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••  Come,  now,  s'pobing  we  strike  up  a  trade.  I've  took  a  sort  of  a  sneaking 
notion  to  that  are  new-fashioned  side-saddle.  So,  if  you'll  throw  in  the  tackling, 
I'll  give  you  ten  dollars  for  it,  cash  on  the  nail."— ftp*  160. 


"  So  I  bolted  the  last  Fpoonful  of  presarves,  and  took  out  my  red  Bilk  handker- 
cher  to  wipe  my  mouth.  I  thought  it  eome  out  of  my  pocket  purty  hard,  so  I 
gave  it  a  twitch,  and  hurra!  out  come  three  of  the  dough  nuts." — Pbge  110. 


HIGH   LIFE  IN   NEW  YORK. 


BY 


JONATHAN  SLICK,  ESQ., 


OF 


WEATHERSFIELD,  CONNECTICUT. 

s.  M. 


A    8KEIB8 


TO    MB.  ZEPHABIAH   SLICK,    JUSTICE    OF   THE  PEACE,   AND 
DEACON  OF  THE  CHDBCH  OVEB  TO  WEATHEBSFIELD 
IN  THE  STATE  OF  CONNECTICUT. 


EMBELLISHED  WITH  ILLUSTRATIVE  ENGRAVINGS. 


T.    B.    PETEESON   AND   BROTHERS, 

306    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


ENTKBKD  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  m  t!«  year  18&4,  cy 

BUNCE  *  BROTHER, 
in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Southern  District  of  Few  Yotk 


JONATHAN  SENDS  A  PREFACE 


A  letter  was  dispatched  to  Weathersfield  requesting  Mr. 
Slick  to  forward  a  preface  for  his  volume  of  epistles,  bat 
that  gentleman  instead  sent  the  following  letter,  which  is  so 
full  of  his  own  peculiar  humor  that  his  friends  will  no  doubt 
gladly  accept  of  it  in  lieu  of  one. 

THE  PUBLISHERS. 

WttTRUtsniLD,  Cosy.,  September,  1354. 

GENTLEMEN,  SDKS  : 

Your  letter  got  tu  the  old  humstead  last  night,  nigh  upon 
bed  time,  and  it  eenamcst  upsot  me  to  think  that  a  feller 
that's  printed  so  many  smashing  books,  had  got  a  notion  tu 
print  my  Letters  tu,  and  asked  my  consent  jest  as  mealy 
mouthed  as  a  feller  asks  the  gal  he's  been  a  courting  to  yoke 
in  with  him  for  life. 

Now  about  the  price  of  them  are  letters  when  they  are 
all  fixed  out  in  a  book.  I  ain't  much  acquainted  with  that 
sort  of  trading  ;  but  I  reckon  you'll  have  to  go  a  notch 
higher  yit.  I  never  yit  heard  of  a  Slick's  taking  the  fust 
offer  for  any  thing,  and  I've  cut  my  eye  teeth  as  well  as  the 
rest  on  'em,  if  I  du  write.  Say  ten  or  fifteen  dollars  more 
now,  and  mebby  it  '11  du,  providing  you  give  in  a  set  of  them 
are  stories  of  the  Revolution  with  picters,  and  some  of  the 
smashing  novels  that  have  got  your  names  tu  them,  for  my 
book-shelf  in  the  back-room.  Come  up  tn  the  mark  on  this 
point,  and  I'll  agree  tu  sign  off  any  time  you  want  me  tu, 
and  I  hope  the  book  '11  go  off  like  a  flash  of  lightning  dowa 
a  forked  rod. 

(3) 


IT  PKEKAOE. 

But  you  want  me  to  write  something  with  a  pesky  new 
fangled  name  that  has  eenamost  upsot  me.  Write  a  preface! 
What  on  arth  is  a  preface  ?  I  can  pull  an  even  yoke  with 
any  York  chap  yet,  at  writing  a  letter  ;  but  when  you  come 
to  talk  of  prefaces,  darn  me  if  I  know  what  the  critters  are. 
Your  letter  kinder  riled  me  up.  The  fi^st  thing  I  did  was 
to  get  down  the  old  goose  quill  and  ink-bottle  and  go  to 
work.  I  was  a'most  tuckered  out  a  grinding  cider  all  day, 
but  the  thoughts  of  having  my  name  on  the  kiver  of  a 
smashing  book  with  picters  in  it,  sot  my  genius  to  working 
like  a  yeast  pot ;  but  then  how  tu  begin  with  this  new 
fangled  consarn — there  it  was  agin.  I  got  the  old  diction 
ary  and  tried  to  find  out  what  a  preface  was  ;  but  I  might 
as  well  have  tried  to  make  timber  out  of  pine  shavings. 
"Something  to  go  before  a  speech,  or  a  book,  or  an  essay, 
to  tell  what  they're  about."  Now  if  it  had  said  an  old  hoss 
leading  off  an  ox-team  with  a  cart  behind,  I  could  have  sent 
the  animal  at  once,  fresh  and  chirk  from  the  cider  mill ; 
but  how  to  tackle  an  idea  on  a  book  and  make  it  pull,  is 
more  than  I  am  up  to,  without  knowing  more  about  the  sort 
of  literary  animal  you  want  to  use,  and  the  harness  that  fits 
him.  I  ain't  rusted  out  yit,  by  no  manner  of  means  ;  but  I 
don't  mean  to  make  a  coot  of  myself  by  tackling  in  with  any 
strange  animal  till  I  know  what  he  is.  Now  take  a  pen  in 
hand  tu  once  and  let  me  know  what  it  is  that  you  want,  and 
you  can  depend  on  me,  fodder  or  no  fodder  ;  but  keep  dark 
about  my  having  to  ask  about  it.  I  don't  want  all  tho 
literary  chaps  in  York  a  poking  fun  at  me. 

Wai,  yes,  I  ain't  ashamed  to  own  it,  I  am  tickled  eena 
most  tu  death  with  the  idee  of  my  letters  being  printed  in  a 
harnsome  book  with  tip-top  picters  in  it.  But  about  my 
likeness,  taken  for  the  Morning  Express  when  I  first  come  tu 
York,  with  the  corn-colored  coat  and  pepper-and-salt  trow- 
sers  and  old  bell  crown — gauly,  how  I  sot  by  that  old  hat '. 
Wai,  as  I  was  saying  about  that  are  likeness,  I  han't  DP 


PRF.KACK.  T 

objections  tu  its  going  inside  the  kiver  jest  as  it  was.  But 
like  all  great  literary  characters,  I  reckon  there's  been  a 
pretty  considerable  improvement  in  me  since  I  began  to 
write,  and,  like  our  old  barn  that's  been  shingled  and  clap- 
boarded  over,  I'm  the  same  critter  yet,  timbers  and  all;  but 
I  reckon  you'll  find  that  I've  slicked  up  the  outside  a  few, 
and  grown  a  little  more  pussy  since  the  old  pepper-and-salt 
saw  the  day. 

Now  I'll  tell  you  jest  how  you'd  better  manage  it.  Put 
the  picter  you  speak  on  inside  the  kiver  ;  but  on  the  outside 
jest  have  me  pictered  out  in  a  bran  new  hat,  that  Mr. 
Genin  sent  me  jest  afore  I  left  York.  It's  about  as  near 
like  the  old  one,  as  a  son  ought  to  be  like  his  par.  Don't 
forget  my  velvet  vest,  finefied  off  with  curlecues,  and  my 
blue  coat  with  the  shining  buttons  ;  and  if  you  don't  git  a 
picter  that'll  make  the  gals'  eyes  water,  your  artists  down 
there  in  York  don't  know  a  good  looking  chap  when  they 
see  him,  or  can't  paint  him  if  they  du. 

Now  about  writing  another  book,  I  raly  don't  know  what 
tu  say.  Them  letters  of  mine  eenamost  tuckered  me  out  at 
the  time  ;  but  somehow  I'd  give  all  creation  to  be  at  'em 
again,  and  one  of  these  days  I  may  pluck  up  grit  and  take 
a  trip  over  tu  England.  If  I  du,  by  the  living  hokey,  you'll 
find  John  Bull  in  a  tantrum  by  the  time  I've  got  through 
with  him.  That  are  English  lord  that  I  writ  about  in  my 
letters,  gave  me  an  invite  tu  come  tu  England,  and  mebby 
he'll  see  a  good  looking  chap  about  my  size  on  t'other  side 
the  fishing  pond  some  day  or  other.  Who  knows  ? 

You  want  to  know  if  I  feel  content  to  give  up  life  among 
the  big  bugs  in  New  York,  and  settle  down  here  in  the 
country.  Wai,  now,  between  you  and  I  and  the  post,  I  du 
feel  a  trifle  melancholy  now  and  then.  Foddering  cattle, 
going  tu  mill  and  chopping  ovenwood  ain't  jest  the  thing  tu 
rile  up  the  poetry  in  a  feller's  bosom  ;  and  onion  tops  and 
garden  sars  generally  ain't  considered  the  sort  of  greens 


Yl  PREFACE. 

that  a  literary  chap  wants  put  round  his  head,  though 
they're  awful  refreshing  to  the  stomach.  But  then  again, 
my  par,  the  deacon,  is  getting  to  be  a  purty  old  man,  and 

Judy ;  but  what's  the  use  of  talking  arter  a  feller's 

under  the  harrow  ? 

Wai,  if  I  ain't  contented,  I  sartinly  ought  to  be,  if  the 
women  folks  are  judges,  and  it's  quite  a  considerable  time 
since  I've  thought  it  worth  while  to  have  a  tussel  for  any 
opinion  of  my  own.  But  tu  own  right  up,  I  du  hanker 
awfully  tu  gat  off  into  the  world  agin  ;  but,  for  gracious, 
sake,  don't  say  a  word  about  it.  I  should  never  hear  the 
last  of  it,  if  you  did,  for  Judy  hates  city  gals  like  rank 
pisin,  and  is  allfired  jealous  that  I'm  hankering  to  git  among 
'em  again. 

I  don't  know  how  I  ever  cum  to  write  this  ere  long  letter, 
but  somehow,  when  I  set  down,  pen  in  hand,  the  old  natuf 
will  bile  up  and  run  on. 

Now  about  that  are  consarned  preface,  jest  set  down  tu 
once  and  describe  the  way  it's  to  be  done,  and  I'll  undertake 
it,  for  I  want  tu  make  the  book  first  chop  ;  and  if  you  want 
more  team,  I'm  the  chap  tu  hitch  it  on,  the  minit  you  let  a 
feller  know  what's  wanted.  So,  hoping  you'll  be  particular 
about  the  preface, 

I'm  yours  tu  'ommand, 

JONATHAN  SLICK 

To  MR.  BUNCE  AND  BROTHER, 
Nassaw  street,  down  in  York. 

P.  S. — Don't  forget  to  have  my  watch  chain  and  things 
a  hanging  outside  of  the.  vest,  and  put  my  two  big  rings 
with  stones  in  'em,  on  my  left  hand.  I  say  nothing,  but 
there  may  be  gals  in  New  York  that  would  like  tu  see  them 
are  rings  agin,  but  take  them  off  from  all  the  kivers  you 
send  into  these  parts  now,  I  tell  you.  J.  S. 


CONTENTS, 


LETTER  L 

•Mi 

First  Impressions  of  New  York — Visit  to  the  Counting-room  of  a 
City  Cousin — Advice  to  his  Clerk — Description  of  a  City  Resi 
dence  and  its  Inmates . .  13 


LETTER  H. 
The  Family  Dinner  and  Effects  of  July  Cider 23 

LETTER  HI. 

Jonathan  visits  the  Express  Office — Sensations  on  seeing  himself 
in  Print 27 

LETTER  IV. 
The  Political  Meeting  and  its  Disasters 33 

LETTER  V. 
A  Little  of  Jonathan's  Private  Love  Affairs 39 


VJ11  CONTEXTS. 

?AQ1 

LETTER  VI. 

Jonathan's  Opinions  of  Ministerial  Interference — A  Card  of 
Invitation,  and  an  Evening  Party  at  Cousin  Beebe's,  in  which 
Jonathan  makes  some  Mistakes  and  a  Lady  Acquaintance ....  44 

LETTER  VH. 

Scenes  in  Broadway — Jonathan's  Interview  with  the  Count 
and  Flirtations  with  Miss  Miles 69 

LETTER  VTIL 
The  Morning  Call — A  Coquette- s  dressing  koom 78 

LETTER  IX. 

A  New  York  Parvenu — Jonathan's  Account  of  his  Cousin  Jason 
Slick,  and  how  Jason  was  too  lazy  to  work,  and  got  rich  on 
soft  sodder — The  dinner  of  a  Connecticut  Coaster — A  New 
York  Coat  of  Arms,  lions  couchant  and  levant — Yankee  An 
cestry — The  way  a  Yankee  speculates,  and  gets  up  States, 
Railroads  and  Banks,  by  soft  sodder 87 

LETTER  X. 

New-Year's  Calls— A  real  Yankee's  New-Year's  Treat  of  Dough-     , 
nuts  and  Cider — Jonathan's    ideas    of   the    real    difference 
between  a  real  lady's  House  and  Furniture  and  the  House  of 
a  stuck-up  Parvenu — Jonathan's  ideas  of  Love  and  Ladies . .     99 

LETTER  XL 

Visit  to  the  Park  Theatre — First  Impressions  of  the  Poetry  of 
Motion,  as  written  on  the  air,  in  the  aerial  feats  of  Mademoi 
selle  Celeste — First  shock  at  the  exhibition  of  a  Ballet  Cos 
tume  accompanied  by  the  "  twinkles"  of  Celeste's  feet — with 
her  pigeon  wings,  double-shuffles,  gallopades,  and  pirouettes,  117 

LETTER  XII. 

.Jonathan  receives  an  Invitation  to  a  Fancy  Ball — Dilemma 
about  the  Dress — Choice  of  a  Character,  &e 129 


CONTENTS. 


LETTER  XIII. 

Jonathan  Slick  and  the  Grand  Fancy  Ball  —  Jonathan  in  the 
character  of  an  Injun,  and  Cousin  Beebe  in  the  character  of 
Jonathan  —  Cousin  Mary  as  Jonathan's  Squaw  —  Jonathan 
among  Kings  and  Queens,  Spaniards,  Turks  and  Jews  — 
Jonathan  meets  his  pussey  Cousin  in  the  character  of  a 
Turk  —  Jonathan  cuts  his  pussey  Cousin  ....................  133 

LETTER  XIV. 

Advice  to  Jonathan  from  the  Humstead  —  Jonathan's  Criticism 
on  his  Brother  Sam's  book  —  The  Ennui  of  Jonathan  in  good 
Society  —  Jonathan's  entree  into  a  Milliner's  Establishment,  and 
sad  mistake  about  a  Side-saddle  .........................  143 

LETTER  XV. 

Jonathan  visits  the  Milliner  Girl—  Reflections  about  her  Sit 
uation  ...............................................  164 

LETTER  XVI. 

In  which  Jonathan  shows  up  the  Hardships  of  Sewing  Girls  — 
Describes  a  Tammany  Hall  Ball  —  Milliner  Aristocracy  and 
Exclusiveness  —  Informs  the  reader  how  Miss  Josephine  Bur 
gess  took  a  tall  man  with  whiskers  into  her  Establishment, 
who  took  her  in  in  return  —  The  desperation  of  a  little  Apo 
thecary  —  His  Marriage,  and  the  Ascent  of  Miss  Josephine  Bur 
gess  from  the  front  store  to  a  work  room  a  little  higher  up.  .  156 

LETTER  XVH. 

Jonathan  gets  111  and  Homesick  —  Resists  all  entreaties  to  ga 
to  Washington,  and  resolves  on  going  back  to  "  the  Humstead71 
with  Captain  Doolittle  ..................................  ITS 

LETTER  XVIIL 

Jonathan's  Arrival  in  New  York  from  the  Onion  Beds  at 
Weathersfield  —  Jonathan  puts  up  at  the  Astor  House  —  His 
notion  of  that  great  Heap  of  Stones  —  Jonathan's  Ideas  of  a 
New  York  Cab,  and  the  usual  quarrel  of  a  Stranger  with 
Cabmen  —  A  Sensation  is  created  at  the  Astor  ..............  180 


X  CONTENTS. 

MM 
LETTER  XIX. 

A  live  Yankee  and  the  Parisian  Danseuse — Fanny  sends  her 
Card  and  Jonathan  makes  a  call — Down  East  Yankee  and 
French-English  rather  hard  to  be  understood — Jonathan  quite 
killed  off  by  Fanny's  Curchies  and  Dimples — A  little  sort  of 
a  Flirtation — An  Invitation  to  see  Fanny  in  Nathalie,  which  is 
accepted 188 

LETTER  XX. 

Jonathan  goes  to  the  Express  Office — His  Opinion  of  Zeke  Jones 
and  the  "Brother  Jonathan"  Newspaper — Explains  his  Ab 
sence,  and  enters  into  a  new  Agreement  with  the  Editors ....  197 

LETTER  TTT. 

Jonathan  Visits  Mr.  Hogg's  Garden  and  gets  a  Bouquet — Puz 
zled  about  the  propriety  of  Paying  for  it — Purchases  a  Ribbon, 
and  starts  for  the  Theatre 202 

LETTER  XXII. 

Jonathan  gives  a  Description  of  the  Theatre,  Private  Boxes, 
Drop  Scene,  Ac. — His  Ideas  of  Miss  Elssler's  Dancing,  and 
Dancing  Girls  in  general — Jonathan  mistakes  Williams  in  his 
Comic  Song  of  "  Old  Maids  and  Old  Bachelors  to  Sell,"  for 
an  Auctioneer  who  is  knocking  off,  "  La  Belle  Fanny,"  to  the 
Highest  Bidder — Jonathan  is  indignant  that  she  is  not  his, 
after  BO  much  hard  bidding,  by  winks,  &c. — He  flings  hia 
Bouquet  at  Fanny's  Feet — Jonathan's  Visit  Behind  the  Scenes, 
and  his  Idea  of  Things  seen  there — Gallants  Fanny  home  to 
the  Astor  House 206 

LETTER  YYTTT. 

Jonathan  gets  out  of  love  with  Fanny  Elssler — Doctors  the  Ague 
In  her  Face  and  Leaves  her — Receives  an  Invitation  from 
his  Pussey  Cousin  to  a  Thanksgiving  Dinner,  with  a  three  cor 
nered  Note  for  Lord  Morpeth — Jonathan's  Opinion  of  the 
Travelling  Lords  and  Democratic  Hospitality 220 


CONTENTS. 


LETTER  XXIV. 


Description  of  Cousin  Jason's  Equipage-Figure  cut  by  Mrs.  Ja 
son  Slick  and  her  Daughter-Manners  of  a  Noble  Lord— The 
Dinner— Jason  boasts  of  his  Birth  ,Heraldry,  and  Coat  of 
Arms-Jonathan  creates  great  Consternation  by  proclaiming 
the  Head  of  the  Family  as  a  Shoemaker-Makes  a  Speech. .  224 


LETTER  XXV. 

Jonathan  rides  to  Mill-The  Millerite  Excitement-ffis  Mann 
waits  for  the  World  to  come  to  an  End-Letter  from  New 
York— The  old  White  Horse 244 


LETTER  XXVI. 

Jonathan  arrives  in  New  York-Travels  on  the  Deacon's  Mare- 
Has  Trouble  with  the  Colt— Embarks  from  Peck  Slip,  on 
Capt.  Doolittle's  Sloop,  to  meet  the  President-His  Intro 
duction-Jonathan's  Idea  of  the  Cold  Collation— The  Recep 
tion—Landing  at  Castle  Garden— Review  of  the  Troops— The 
Procession,  &c 

LETTER  XXVII. 

Jonathan  attends  the  President  at  the  Howard  House— Visits 
the  Park  Theatre  with  the  President  and  his  Handsome  Girl 
—Goes  with  Mr,  Robert  Tyler  to  have  his  Hair  Cut  at  Clair- 
hugh's— Takes  Refreshments  with  the  Ladies  at  the  Howard 
House— Bed-chamber  Scene  with  the  President— Serenade,  &c.  268 

LETTER  XXVHI. 

Jonathan  goes  to  see  Mr.  Macready— Description  of  the  Theatre 
—Introduces  himself  to  a  Handsome  Girl  at  the  Theatre- 
Enters  into  a  Flirtation— Promises  to  Visit  her— Jonathan 
takes  a  Novel  Method  of  providing  himself  with  a  Fashionable 
Dress— Quarrels  with  Captain  Doolittle— Is  reconciled,  and 
starts  off  to  make  a  Morning  Call  on  the  Handsome  Girl 273 


HI  COXTKNTS. 

•MM 
LETTER  XXIX. 

Jonathan  Visits  the  Handsome  Girl — Describes  a  Gambling- 
House  in  the  Morning  before  it  is  put  to  rights — Visits  the 
Lady's  Boudoir — Describes  the  Furniture,  the  Lady,  her  Dress, 
and  Conversation — Is  Interrupted  by  the  Gentleman  of  the 
House — And  leaves  with  a  promise  to  return  and  escort  Miss 
Sneers  to  Mad.  Castellan's  Concert 275 

LETTER  XXX. 
The  Gambling  House — Jonathan  is  taken  in  with  Cards 285 


fife  in 


LETTER  I. 

First  Impressions  of  New  York — Visit  to  the  Counting-room  of  a  City 
Cousin — Advice  to  his  Clerk — Description  of  a  City  Residence  and 
its  Inmates. 

To  Mr.  Zephania  Slick,  Justice  of  the  Peace,  and  Deacon  of  the  Church,  over  to 
Weathersfield,  in  the  State  of  Connecticut : 

DEAR  PAK  : 

I  arrived  here  safe  and  sound,  arter  a  long  and  tedions  voyage 
down  the  river  and  along  shore  to  this  place.  The  Captain  left 
me  to  navigate  the  sloop  purty  much  alone.  The  lazy  coot  did 
nothing  on  arth  but  eat  raw  turnips  and  drink  cider  brandy  all 
the  way  down.  I'll  be  whipped  if  he  warn't  more  than  half 
corned  the  hull  time.  Now  it's  my  opinion  that  the  best  thing 
you  can  do  with  that  chap  is  to  send  him  eend  foremost  about 
his  business  jest  as  quick  as  he  gits  back.  He  don't  am  salt  to 
his  porrage,  nor  never  did.  The  first  thing  I  did  arter  the  sloop 
was  hauled  up  to  the  wharf  at  Peck  slip,  was  to  go  down  to  the 
stores  about  Fulton  market  and  peddle  off  the  cider  brandy  and 
garden  sarce.  Captain  Doolittle  wanted  to  go  with  me,  but  you 
sent  me  down  here  as  a  sort  of  a  supercargo,  and  I  warn't  likely 
to  let  him  stick  his  nose  into  my  business. 

By  gracious,  if  it  didn't  make  me  stare  to  see  the  purty  gals 
and  the  harnsome  married  wimmen  a  walking  up  and  down  the 
market  among  the  heaps  of  beets  and  cabbages.  They  looked 
around  mighty  kn«  wing,  and  I  rather  guess  I  get  my  share  of 

(13) 


14  HIGH    I. Ui;    IN    KKW    YOKK. 

attention ;  bat  somehow  it  made  me  feel  kinder  streaked  to  have 
them  a  looking  at  me  so  steady,  for  I  hadn't  nothing  on  but  my 
every  day  clothes,  besides,  the  stock  that  marm  made  me  out  of 
her  old  bombasine  petticoat,  propped  up  my  chin  so  that  I  couldn't 
a  stooped  to  look  into  a  woman's  face  if  I'd  a  wanted  tu  ever  so 
much.  I  do  believe  marm  and  Judy  White  must  a  put  more  than 
a  peck  of  tatur  starch  into  the  lining.  It's  allfired  stiff,  that's  a 
fact. 

Wai,  I  sold  out  the  lading  to  purty  good  advantage,  consider 
ing  the  times.  Then  I  went  down  to  the  sloop,  and  slicked  up 
in  my  Sunday  clothes,  and  started  off  full  chisel  to  go  and  see 
cousin  John  Beebe.  They  told  me  that  he  kept  store  away  down 
Pearl  street,  eenamost  to  the  Battery  ;  so  I  went  on,  as  fast  as  I 
could  git  along  through  the  boxes  and  barrels  that  lay  in  the 
street,  till  I  come  to  a  great  high  brick  store  that  had  cousin 
John's  name  over  the  door.  It  seems  that  John  has  gone  into 
partnership  with  a  Mr.  Co,  for  that  feller's  name  is  on  the  sign 
arter  his'n  as  large  as  life.  I  knew  that  he  and  John  Wheeler 
went  into  company  together,  but  I  suppose  they  wanted  more 
chink  than  either  on  'em  could  raise,  and  so  engaged  this  Mr. 
Co  to  help  'em  along. 

I  swan  if  it  warn't  enough  to  make  a  feller  dry  to  see  the  hogs 
heads  of  rum  and  molasses,  and  the  heaps  of  tea  boxes  and  sugai 
barrels,  piled  up  inside  the  store ;  it  looked  like  li ving,  I  can  tell 
you.  I  went  through  clear  to  the  other  eend  of  the  store,  for 
they  told  me  that  cousin  John  was  in  tl\g  counting-room,  away ' 
back  there. 

Wai,  I  got  into  the  counting-room  at  last,  and  a  harnsome  little 
room  it  was,  all  carpeted  and  fixed  out  like  some  of  our  best  rooms 
in  Connecticut.  I  hain't  seen  so  purty  a  store  scarce  ever.  John 
•wasn't  there,  but  I  could  see  that  he  hadn't  got  over  all  his  old  tricks, 
for  a  lot  of  chestnut  shells  were  trod  down  round  the  stove,  and 
there  wasn't  a  few  empty  bottles  standing  round  under  the  table 
and  back  of  the  desks.  It  was  enough  to  turn  one's  stomach  to 
look  at  the  spit  box;  it  was  more  than  half  filled  np  with  pieces 
of  segars,  and  ends  of  tobacco,  that  looked  as  if  they  had  been 
chawed  over  a  dozen  times  or  more.  I  don't  see  where  cousin. 
John  got  that  trick  of  smoking  and  chawing ;  I  defy  any  body 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  16 

to  say  he  larned  it  in  old  Connecticut.  They  needn't  talk  to  us 
about  the  Yankees,  for  these  Yorkers  beat  us  all  holler  in  tliem 
things ;  I  hain't  forgot  the  time  when  John  would  a  turned  up 
his  nose  at  a  long  nine,  as  if  it  had  a  been  pison,  but  now  he's  sot 
himself  up  for  a  gentleman  there  is  no  knowing  what  he  hain't 
taken  tu. 

There  was  a  chap  standing  by  one  of  the  desks,  with  the  edge 
of  his  dickey  turned  over  his  stock — like  an  old-fashioned  baby's 
bib,  put  on  wrong  side  afore — and  with  his  hair  curled  and  friz 
zled  up  like  a  gal's.  I  knew  in  a  minit  that  this  feller  couldn't 
be  cousin  John,  so  I  went-up  to  him,  and  sez  I : — 

"Friend,  can  you  tell  me  when  Mr.  Beebe  'ill  be  in?"  The 
chap  took  a  watch  out  of  his  vest  pocket  about  as  big  as  a  nine- 
pence,  and  sez  he — 

"  I  don't  know  positively,  but  I  s'pose  in  the  course  of  half  an 
hour  or  so.  It's  about  time  for  the  banks  to  close." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  s'pose  I  may  as  well  wait  for  him,  as  I  ain't 
in  much  of  a  hurry  jest  now."  So  I  sot  down  in  a  chair,  and 
arter  histing  my  sole  leather  onto  the  top  of  the  stove,  I  begun 
to  scrape  acquaintance  with  the  chap,  as  I  went  along. 

"  Tough  times  with  you  marchants,  now,  ain't  they  ?"  sez  I,  a 
looking  over  the  top  of  the  paper. 

"  V:.  j,  •  sez  he,  a  mending  his  pen.  "  It's  as  much  as  we  can 
«du  to  make  both  eends  meet  afore  the  bank's  shut  up  days.  Mr. 
Beebe's  out  a  shinning  now." 

"A  what?"  sez  I.      . 

"  A  shinning,"  says  he — "  borrowing  money  to  take  up  his 
own  notes  with,  and  if  he  don't  get  it,  I  don't  know  what  we 
shall  du" 

"Oh  !"  sez  I  to  myself,  "  this  is  the  new  partner,  Mr.  Co  ;  he 
must  have  a  good  chance  of  money  in  the  consarn,  or  he  wouldn't 
feel  so  oneasy." 

"  "We  was  doing  a  beautiful  business,"  sez  he,  a  shaking  his 
head,  "  till  some  of  the  banks  stopped  specie  payments.  I  wish 
they'd  a  been  sunk." 

"No,"  sez  I,  "  that  ain't  fair,  but  it's  human  natur,  I  s'pose  to 
give  banks  as  well  as  people,  a  helping  kick  when  they're  going 
down  hill.  I  don't  understand  much  of  these  things,  Mr.  Co." 


16  HIGH    LIFE    Iff    KEW   YORK. 

"  My  name  isn't  Oo,"  sez  he,  a  staring ;  "  it's  Smith." 
"What,"  sez  I,  "  have  they  got  another  in  the  company ?w 
"  No,"  sez  he,  kinder  coloring  np ;  u  I'm  the  assistant  book 
keeper." 

I  couldn't  but  jest  keep  from  giving  a  long  whistle  right  out, 
the  stuck  up  varmint  1  u  "Wai,"  sez  I,  arter  a  minit,  "  Mr. 
Smith,  let  me  give  you  one  piece  of  advice — don't  be  so  ready  to 
say  we,  and  to  talk  over  your  employers'  business  with  strangers 
next  time.  Such  things  do  no  good  any  "way,  but  they  may  do  a 
good  deal  of  harm.  It's  the  duty  of  a  dark,  amo  ag  us,  to  attend 
to  that  he's  paid  for,  and  if  he  attends  to  much  else,  we  purty 
ginerally  find  out  that  he  ain't  good  for  much  in  the  long  run." 

You  never  saw  a  feller  look  so  mean  as  he  did  when  I  said  this; 
he  turned  all  manner  of  colors,  and  acted  mad  enough  to  eat  me. 
I  didn't  seem  to  mind  him,  but  took  up  a  newspaper  and  begun 
to  read,  jest  as  if  he  wasn't  in  the  room ;  and  by-am-by  I  got  so 
deep  in  the  paper,  that  I  forgot  all  about  him  or  cousin  Beebe 
either. 

Look  a-here,  Par,  if  you  hain't  seen  the  New  York  Evening 
Express,  jest  stretch  your  purse-strings  a  leetle,  and  subscribe  for 
it.  It's  a  peeler  of  a  paper,  I  can  tell  you.  You  needn't  take  my 
word  for  it  though,  for  I've  made  this  letter  so  tarnal  long,  that 
it'd  cost  more  than  the  price  of  a  paper  a  hull  year  to  pay  the 
postage,  so  I've  a  notion  to  git  the  editors  to  print  this  for  me  in 
their  primest  evening  paper,  and  so  you'll  git  my  letters  and  paper 
tu,  all  for  five  cents.  I'll  jest  give  you  a  little  notion  how  they 
make  the  Express,  for  I  read  it  eenamost  through,  afore  cousin 
John  come.  The  editors  get  all  the  papers  in  the  country  to 
gether,  jest  as  we  pick  out  our  apples  in  cider  time,  and  they  go 
to  work  and  git  all  that's  worth  reading  out  on  'em,  and  put  it 
all  in  one  great  paper,  which  they  sell  for  two  cents ;  so  that  a 
feller  can  know  what's  said  by  every  editor  North  and  South,  on 
one  side  and  t'other,  without  the  trouble  of  reading  but  one  pa 
per  ;— jest  as  we  can  git  the  juice  of  a  bushel  of  apples  all  in  a 
pint  of  cider,  after  it's  once  been  through  the  mill.  I  raly  think 
it's  one  of  the  beat  plans  I  ever  heard  on,  and  I'm  so  sartin  that 
every  body  will  Uke  it  by-am-by,  that  I've  a  notion  that  if  you'd 
jest  as  live  let  me  throw  up  the  onion  trade,  I'll  try  and  get  in  to 


BV    JONATHAN    SI.IUK.  17 

write  for  it,  bat  we'll  talk  all  that  over  by-am-by,  arter  I've  seen 
the  editors.  Major  Jack  Downing  is  writing  for  them  already, 
and  perhaps — but  I  hain't  made  up  my  mind  about  it  yit,  though 
I  kept  a  thinking  it  over  all  the  while  I  was  a  reading  in  the 
counting-room. 

Wai,  I  was  jest  taking  a  dive  inter  the  advertisements,  when 
cousin  John  came  in.  I  raly  believe  you  wouldn't  know  the  crit 
ter,  he's  altered  so.  He's  grown  as  fat  and  pussy  as  old  lawyer 
Sikes  in  our  parts,  but  I  raly  think  he  Inoks  better  for  it.  I  tell 
you  what,  his  clothes  must  cost  him  a  few.  He  had  on  a  super 
fine  broadcloth  coat,  that  didn't  cost  a  whit  less  than  ten  dollars 
a  yard,  I  wouldn't  be  afraid  to  bet  a  cookey.  You  could  a  seen 
your  face  in  his  boots,  and  his  hair  was  parted  on  the  top  of  his 
head,  and  hung  down  on  the  sides  of  his  face  and  all  over  his 
coat  collar,  till  he  looked  more  like  a  woman  in  men's  clothes 
than  any  thing  else.  I  thought  I  should  a  haw-hawed  out  a  lar- 
fin,  all  I  could  dti,  though  it  made  me  kinder  wrathy  to  see  a 
feller  make  such  an  etarnal  coot  of  himself.  I  thought  I'd  see 
if  he'd  know  me  agin,  so  I  on'y  jist  crossed  one  foot  over  t'other 
on  the  top  of  the  stove,  and  tipt  my  chair  back  on  its  hind  legs, 
and  kept  on  reading  as  independent  as  a  corkscrew,  jest  ter  see 
how  he'd  act. 

Wai,  he  cum  right  up  to  the  stove,  and  took  his  coat  tail  un 
der  his  arms,  and  begun  to  whistle  as  if  there  warn't  nobody  in 
the  room.  Once  in  a  while  as  I  took  a  peek  over  the  top  of  the 
paper,  I  could  see  that  he  was  a  looking  at  me  kinder  sideways, 
as  if  he  couldn't  exactly  make  up  his  mind  whether  he  knew  me 
or  not.  I  felt  my  heart  kinder  rising  up  in  my  throat,  for  it  put 
me  in  mind  of  old  times  when  we  used  to  weed  onions  and  slide 
down  hill  together.  At  last  I  couldn't  stand  it  no  longer,  so  I 
jumped  up  and  flung  down  the  paper,  and,  says  I,  "Cousin 
Beebe,  how  do  you  du? " 

He  stared  like  a  stuck  pig  at  fust,  but  I  raly  believe  the  feller 
was  glad  to  see  me  when  he  found  out  who  I  was,  for  he  shook 
my  hand  like  all  natur.  Sez  he,  "  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  he,  "  I'm  glad 
to  see  you  down  in  the  city ;  how's  the  deacon,  and  aunt  Eunice, 
and  the  Mills  gals  ?  You  see  I  han't  forgot  old  times." 

With  that  we  sot  into  a  stream  of  talk  about  Weathersfield  peo^ 
2 


18  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YOKK. 

pie,  and  so  on  that  lasted  a  good  two  hours,  by  the  town  clock. 
Arter  a  while  cousin  John  took  oat  his  watch,  all  gold  inside 
And  out,  and  sez  he, 

uCome,  Mr.  Slick,  it's  about  four  o'clock — go  up  and  take  a 
family  dinner  with  us." 

I  rather  guess  I  stared  a  few,  to  think  of  being  axed  to  eat  din 
ner  at  that  time  o'  day;  but  as  I  hadn't  eat  any  thing  but  a  cold 
bite  aboard  the  sloop  since  morning,  the  thoughts  of  a  good 
warm  dinner  warn't  by  no  means  to  be  sneezed  at. 

u  Better  late  than  never,"  sez  I  to  myself,  arter  I  had  put  on 
my  hat  and  stuck  my  hands  in  my  pantaloons'  pockets  ready  for 
a  start.  But  jest  as  we  wnr  a  going  out,  there  come  a  feller  in  to 
talk  over  some  bisness  matters,  so  sez  Cousin  Beebe,  sez  he — 

''Here,  Mr.  Slick,  is  the  number  of  our1  house — supposin  you 
go  along  and  tell  Mrs.  Beebe  that  I'll  be  home  as  soon  as  I  can  get 
through  a  little  bisness — she  wont  make  a  stranger  of  you." 

"I  rather  guess  she  won't,"  sez  I,  a  taking  the  little  piece  of 
paper  which  he'd  been  a  writing  on ;  u  if  she  does  there  must  a 
beon  an  almighty  change  in  her  since  we  used  to  go  to  singing 
school  and  apple  bees  together.1* 

John  looked  kind  a  skeery  toward  the  stranger,  and  begun  to 
fidget  about ;  so  I  told  him  I  could  find  the  way  and  made  my 
self  scarce  in  less  than  no  time — for  I  thought  as  like  as  not  the 
feller  cum  to  git  him  to  put  his  name  to  a  note,  or  something  of 
that  sort ;  so  I  thought  I'd  give  him  a  chance  to  say  no,  if  he 
wanted  tu. 

By  gracious !  Par,  I'd  give  a  quart  of  soap  if  you  and  marm 
could  a  been  with  me  in  Broadway  as  I  went  along.  I  couidu't 
help  stopping  eenainost  every  other  ininit  to  look  into  the 
winders. 

Some  of  them  was  chuck  full  of  watches  and  ear-rings,  and 
silver  spoons  spread  all  out  like  a  fan,  and  lots  on  lots  of  linger 
rings  all  stuck  over  a  piece  of  black  cloth  to  make  'em  shine. 
I'll  be  darned  if  it  didn't  make  my  eyes  ache  as  if  I'd  been  snow 
blind  a  week,  only  jest  to  look  at  'em  as  I  went  along !  I  stopped 
into  one  store  jest  by  the  Park,  and  bought  a  silver  thimble  for 
marm.  and  it  was  as  much  as  I  could  du  to  keep  from  going  into 
one  of  the  stores  where  I  saw  such  a  heap  of  calicos,  to  git  her  a 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  19 

now  gown  tu.  But  I  can't  begin  to  write  more  than  a  j  riming 
of  what  a  feller  may  see  as  he  goes  up  Broadway.  It  fairly  made 
me  ashamed  of  our  horses,  old  Polly  in  perticlar,  when  I  saw 
the  harnsome  critters  that  the  niggers  drive  about  them  coaches 
with  here.  I  tell  you  what,  they  make  a  glistening  and  a  shin 
ing  when  they  go  through  the  streets  chuck  full  of  gals  all  in 
their  feathers  and  furbelows !  That  Broadway  is  a  leetle  lengthy, 
and  no  mistake.  I  believe  I  footed  it  more  than  two  miles  on 
them  tarnal  hard  stun  walks,  afore  I  got  to  Bond  street,  where 
Cousin  Beebe  lives,  I  swan!  I  thought  my  feet  would  a 
blistered. 

Wai,  arter  all,  I  thought  I  never  should  a  got  into  the  house 
when  I  did  git  to  it.  It  was  so  allfired  high,  and  a  heap  of  stun 
steps  went  up  to  the  door,  with  a  kind  of  picket  fence  made  out 
of  iron,  all  curlecued  over  on  the  sides.  I  looked  all  over  the 
door  for  a  knocker,  but  couldn't  find  nothing  in  the  shape  of  one, 
cnly  a  square  chunk  of  silver,  with  cousin  Beebe's  name  writ  on 
it.  I  rapped  with  my  fist  till  the  ski  a  eenamost  peeled  off  rny 
knuckles,  but  nobody  seemed  to  hear,  and  I  begun  to  think  the 
folks  warn't  to  hum,  and  that  I  should  lose  my  dinner  arter  all. 
I  was  jest  beginning  to  think  it  best  to  make  tracks  for  Peck 
slip  agin,  when  a  feller  come  by  and  kinder  slacked  tackle,  and 
looked  as  if  he  was  a  going  to  speak. 

"  Look  a  here,  you,  sir,"  sez  I,  "  can  you  tell  me  whether  the 
folks  that  live  here  are  to  hum  or  not  ?  I  can't  make  nobody 
hear." 

"  Why  don't  you  ring  the  bell  ?"  sez  he,  a  looking  at  me  as  if 
he  never  see  a  man  afore. 

I  went  down  the  steps  and  looked  up  to  the  ruff  of  the  house, 
but  it  was  so  darned  high  that  I  couldn't  a  seen  anything  in  the 
shape  of  a  belfry  if  there'd  been  a  dozen  on  'em. 

"  I'll  be  darned  if  I  can  see  any  bell,"  sez  I  to  the  man,  and 
then  he  kinder  puckered  up  his  mouth,  and  looked  as  if  he  waa 
a  going  to  larf  right  out. 

"You  seem  to  be  a  stranger  in  the  city,"  sez  he.  a  trying  to 
bite  in,  for  I  s'pose  he  see  that  my  dander  was  a  gitting  up. 

"Ye?,"  sez  I,  "I  am,  and  what  of  that?" 

"  Oh,  nothing,"  sez  he,  a  hauling  in  his  horns  quite  a  consider* 


20  HIGH   LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK, 

able.  "Jest  pull  that  little  silver  knob  there,  and  I  rather  think 
yon  can  nmke  them  hear." 

With  that  I  went  up  the  steps  agin,  and  give  the  knob,  as  l»o 
called  it,  an  almighty  jerk,  for  I  felt  a  little  riled  about  being 
larfed  at.  It  warn't  half  a  jiffy  afore  the  door  was  opened,  and 
a  great  strapping  nigger  stood  inside,  staring  at  me  as  if  he 
meant  to  swaller  me  hull,  without  vinegar  or  gravy  sarce. 

"Wai,"  sez  I,  "you  snowball  you,  what  are  you  staring  at? 
Why  don't  you  git  out  of  the  way  and  let  me  cum  in?" 

"  Who  do  you  want  ?"  sez  he,  without  so  much  as  moving  an 
inch — the  impudent  varmint. 

"  What's  that  to  you,  you  darned  lump  of  charcoal  ?"  sez  I ; 
"jest  you  mind  your  own  bisness  and  git  out  of  the  door." 
With  that  I  give  him  a  shove  and  went  into  the  entry-way. 
When  the  nigger  had  picked  himself  up  agin,  I  told  him  to  go 
and  tell  Miss  Beebe  that  her  cousin  Jonathan  Slick,  from  Weath- 
ersfield,  Connecticut,  wanted  to  see  her. 

I  wish  you  could  a  seen  how  the  feller  showed  the  whites  of 
his  eyes  when  I  said  this.  I  couldn't  keep  from  larfin  to  see  him 
a  bowing  and  scraping  to  me. 

"Jest  step  into  the  drawing-room,"  sez  he,  a  opening  a  door; 
"I  will  tell  Miss  Beebe  that  you  are  here." 

By  the  living  hokey!  I  never  stepped  my  foot  in  snch  a  room 
as  that  in  all  my  born  days.  I  raly  thought  my  boot  was  a  sink 
ing  inter  the  floor,  the  carpet  was  so  thick  and  soft.  It  seemed 
jest  like  walking  over  the  onion  patches,  when  they've  jest  been 
raked  and  planted  in  the  spring  time.  The  winder  curtains  were 
ah1  yaller  silk  with  a  great  heap  of  blue  tossels  hanging  round  the 
edges,  and  there  was  no  eend  to  the  little  square  benches,  about 
as  big  as  marm's  milking  stool,  all  kivered  over  with  lambs  and 
rabbits  a  sleeping  among  lots  of  flowers,  as  nat'ral  as  life.  The 
backs  of  the  chairs  were  solid  mahogany  or  cherry-tree  wood,  or 
something  like  it,  and  they  were  kinder  rounded  off  and  curled 
in  like  a  butter  scoop  turned  handle  downward.  Then  there 
were  two  chairs,  all  stuffed  and  kivered  with  shiney  black  cloth, 
with  a  great  long  rocker  a  poking  out  behind,  and  on  the  mantle 
shelf  was  something  that  I  couldn't  make  out  the  use  on — it  was 
a  heap  of  stuff  that  looked  like  gold,  with  a  woman,  all  kivered 


B7    JONATHAN    SLICK.  21 

over  with  something  that  made  her  shine  like  a  gilt  button, 
lying  on  the  top.  I  wanted  to  finger  it  awfully,  but  there  was  a 
glass  filing  put  over  it,  and  I  couldn't;  but  I  hadn't  pecked 
about  long  afore  I  found  out  that  it  was  one  of  these  new- 
fashioned  clocks  that  we've  heard  about;  but  it's  no  more  like 
them  clocks  that  our  Samuel  peddles,  than  chalk  is  like  cheese. 

There  were  two  other  things,  kinder  like  the  clock,  on  both 
tends  of  the  mantle  shelf,  but  they  warn't  nigh  so  big,  and  they 
haan't  no  pointers  nor  no  woman  on  the  top,  and  instead  of  the 
glass  kiver  there  was  long  chunks  o'  glass  hanging  down  all 
round  them,  like  icicles  round  the  nose  of  our  pump  in  the 
winter  time.  I  give  one  on  'em  a  little  lift  jest  to  find  out  what 
it  was,  but  the  glasses  begun  to  gingle  so  that  it  scared  me  out 
of  a  year's  growth,  and  I  sot  down  agin  mighty  quick,  I  can 
tell  you. 

Wai,  arter  a  while  I  begun  to  grow  fidgety,  so  I  sot  down  on 
a  settee  all  kivered  over  with  shiney  cloth  like  the  chairs,  but  I 
guess  I  hopped  up  agin  spry  enough.  I  never  saw  anything  giv 
as  the  seat  did,  I  thought  at  first  that  I  was  a  sinking  clear 
through  to  the  floor,  clothes  and  all.  It  makes  me  fidgety  to  be 
shut  up  in  a  room  alone,  so  I  begun  to  fix  a  little  ;  but  all  I  could 
du,  them  new  cassimere  pantaloons,  that  Judy  White  made  for 
me,  would  keep  a  slipping  up  eenamost  to  the  top  of  my  boots. 
I  don't  see  how  on  arth  the  chaps  in  New  York  keep  their  trou 
sers'  legs  down  so  slick ;  one  would  think  they  had  been  dipped 
into  'em  an  marm  makes  her  taller  candles,  they  fit  so. 

Wai,  arter  I'd  worked  long  enough  on  the  tarnal  things,  I  went 
up  to  a  whapper  of  a  looking-glass,  that  reached  eenamost  from 
the  top  to  the  bottom  o'  the  room,  and  jest  took  a  peep  at  a  chap 
about  my  size  on  t'other  side.  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  the  feller 
there  warn't  to  be  sneezed  at  on  a  rainy  day,  if  he  did  cum  from 
the  country  ;  though  for  a  sixfooter  he  looked  mighty  small  in 
that  big  looking-glass.  I  guess  you'd  a  larfed  to 'a  seen  him  try 
ing  to  coax  his  dickey  to  curl  over  the  edge  of  that  plaguey  stiff 
bombazine  stock  that  marm  made,  and  to  a  seen  him  a  pulling 
down  them  narrer  short  risbands  so  as  to  make  them  stick  out 
under  his  cuff,  and  a  slicking  down  his  hair  on  each  side  of  his 
face  with  both  hands;  but  it  wouldn't  stay  though.  Nothing  on 


72  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

arth  but  a  hog  is  so  contrary  as  a  feller's  hair,  when  it  once  gits 
to  sticking  up,  I  du  think. 

I'd  fixed  up  purty  smart,  considering,  and  was  jest  sticking  in 
breast-pin  a  leetle  mere  in  sight,  when  the  door  opened 
cousin  Mary  come  in.    If  I  hadn't  expected  it  was  her,  I  m  Bar- 
tin  I  shouldn't  a  known  her  no  more  than  nothing,  she  was  so 
puckered  up.    She  had  on  a  silk  frock  ruffled  round  the  bottom, 
and  her  hair  hung  in  great  long  black  curls  down  her  neck,  eer 
amost  to  her  bosom,  and  she  had  a  gold  chain  wound  all  round 
her  head,  besides  one  a  hanging  about  her  neck,  and  her  waii 
warn't  bigger  round  than  a  pint  cup.     I  never  was  so  struck 
in  my  life,  as  I  was  tu  see  her.    Instid  of  coming  up  and  givin 
me  a  good  shake  o*  the  hand  or  a  buss-there  wouldn  t  a  been 
anvharmin'taswe  were  cousins-she  put  one  foot ,  tor  ard  i 
little  and  drew  t'  other  back  kind  o'  catecornering,  and  then  she 
sorto'  wriggled  her  shoulders,   and  bent  for'ard  and  made  i 
cun-hv,  city  fashion.    Sez  I  tu  myself.  «'  If  that's  what  you  re  up 
tu   I'll  lest  show  you  that  we've  had  a  dancing  school  in  Wea- 
thlrsfield'since  you  left  it,  Miss  Beebe."     So  I  put  out  my  right 
foot  and  drew  it  up  into  the  holler  of  t'other  foot    and  let  my 
arm,  drop  down  a  sort  a  particular,  and  bent  for  nrd-jert 
{x  feller  shuts  a  jack  knife  when  he's  afeard  of  cutting  his  lingers 
-mid  keeping  my  eyes  fixed  on  her  face,  though  I  did  have  to 
roll  'em  up  a  leetle-I  reckon  I  give  her  a  purty  respectable 

.ample  of  a  Weathersneld  bow  to  match  her  1  ork  curches 
«  Pray  be  seated,  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  ,lie,  a  screwing  her  month  up 

into  a  sort  of  a  smile ;  but  when  I  saw  how  she  was  stuck  up  I 

wam't  a-going  to  be  behind  hand  with  her,  so  I  puckered  up  my 

mouth  tu,  though  it  was  awful  hard  work,  and  sez  I,     arter  y« 

is  manners  for  me,  Miss  Beebe.1' 
With  that  she  sot  down  in  one  of  the  rocking-chairs  and  stuck 

ncr  elbow  on  her  arm  and  let  her  head  drop  into  her  hand  as  if 

,he  warn't  more  than  half  alive,  and  sez  she- 
"  Take  an  ottoman,  Mr.  Slick." 
I  ,uess  I  turned  red  enough,  for  I  hadn't  no  idee  what  she 

meat,  but  I  sot  down  on  one  of  the  foot-stools  at  a  ventur,  an< 

then  slio  said,  ..  „ 

•  H  low  do  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Slick  du  ?    I  hope  they  re  well. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  23 

I  felt  my  ebenezer  a  gitting  up  to  hear  her  call  her  husband's 
own  uncle  and  aunt  sicli  stucK  up  names,  tiud  sez  I, 

"  Your  uncle  and  aunt  are  purty  smart,  so  as  to  be  jogging 
about,  thank  you,  Miss  Beehe."  I  hadn't  but  jest  got  the  words 
out  of  my  mouth  when  there  was  a  bell  rung  so  as  to  make  me 
jump  up,  and  in  a  minit  arter  cousin  John  come  in' 

Youi  loving  son, 
.  JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  II. 
The  Family  Dinner  and  Effects  of  July  Cider. 

DEAR  PAR: 

"Wai,  I  see  you've  found  the  way,  cousin  Slick,"  sez  1,3. 
u  Mary,  my  dear,  is  dinner  ready  ?" 

She  hadn't  time  to  speak  before  two  great  doors  slid  into  the 
partition,  and  there  was  another  room  jest  as  much  like  the  one 
we  was  in,  as  two  peas  in  a  pod.  A  table  was  sot  in  the  middle 
of  the  room,  all  kivered  with  rale  China  dishes,  and  first  rate 
glass  tumblers,  and  a  silver  thing  to  set  the  pepper  box  in — yon 
hain't  no  idee  how  stilish  it  was.  But  as  true  as  you  live,  there 
stood  that  etarnal  nigger,  close  by  the  table,  as  large  as  life.  I 
didn't  know  what  to  make  on  it,  but  sez  I  to  myself,  if  cousin 
John's  got  to  be  an  abulitionist  and  expects  me  to  eat  with  a 
nigger,  he'll  find  himself  mistaken,  I'll  be  darned  to  darnation 
if  he  don't!  But  I  needn't  a  got  so  wrathy  ;  the  critter  didn't 
offer  to  set  down,  he  only  stood  there  to  git  anything  that  we 
wanted. 

"Do  you  take  verminsilly,  Mr.  Slick?"  says  Miss  Beebe,  biting 
off  her  words  as  if  she  was  afraid  they'd  burn  her.  With  that 
she  took  the  kiver  off  one  of  the  dishes,  and  begun  to  ladle  out 
some  soup  with  a  great  silver  dipper  as  bright  as  a  new  fifty 
cent  piece. 

"  No,  thank  you,"  says  I,  a  but  I'll  take  some  of  that  are  soup 
instead,  if  you've  no  objection."  The  critter  was  jest  beginning 


4  HIDE    LIKE    IN    NKW    YOKK. 

to  pucker  np  her  month  again,  as  if  she'd  found  oat  something 
to  poke  fun  at,  but  cousin  John  looked  at  her  so  etarnal  cross 
that  she  was  glad  to  choko  in.  I  s'pose  cousin  John  see  that  I 
felt  dreadful  oueasy,  so  he  said,  kind  a  coaxiug, 

"She  meant  verminsilly  soup,  cousin  Slick.  Let  her  help  you 
to  some,  I'm  sartin  you'll  like  it." 

44  Wai,"  says  I,  "  I  don't  care  if  I  du."  So  I  took  np  a  queer 
looking  spoon  that  lay  by  my  plate,  and  tried  to  eat,  but  all  I 
could  du,  the  soup  would  keep  a  running  through  the  spoon  into 
the  dish  agin.  I  tried  and  tried  to  git  one  good  mouthful,  but  I 
might  jest  as  well  have  detarmined  to  dip  up  the  Connecticut 
river  in  a  sieve,  and  the.  most  1  could  git  was  two  or  three 
sprangles  of  little  white  things  that  I  stirred  up  from  the  bottom 
of  the  plate,  that  didn't  taste  bad,  but  to  save  my  life  I  couldn't 
make  out  what  they  were  made  out  on.  Arter  I'd  been  a  fishing 
and  diving  ever  so  long,  a  trying  to  git  one  good  spoonful,  so  that  I 
could  tell  what  it  was,  I  looked  up,  and  there  was  the  nigger 
showing  his  teeth,  and  rolling  about  his  eye?,  like  a  black  cat  in. 
the  dark.  It  made  me  wrathy,  for  I  surmized  that  he  was  a 
larfing  to  see  me  a  working  so  hard  to  git  a  mouthful  of  some 
thing  to  eat.  I  couldn't  hold  in  any  longer,  so  I  jumped  up  and 
Hang  down  the  spoon  upon  the  floor,  as  spiteful  as  could  be,  and 
sez  I  to  the  nigger,  sez  I, 

"  What  do  you  stand  a  grinning  at  there,  woolly  head  1  go  and 
git  me  a  spoon  that  hain't  got  uo  slits  in  it.  I'd  as  lief  eat  with  a 
rake  as  that  are  thing." 

"  Ha,  ha,  haw,"  larfed  out  the  etarnal  black  varmint,  4*  I 
thought  you  would  not  make  the  fork  hold." 

With  that  Miss  Beebe  giggled  right  out,  and  cousin  John 
looked  as  it'  he  would  a  burst  to  keep  from  larfing  too. 

"Stop  your  noise,  sir,"  says  he  to  the  nigger,  "pick  up  the 
fork,  and  give  Mr.  Slick  a  spoon." 

I  bk-gun  to  feel  awful  streaked,  I  can  tell  you ;  but.  I  sot  down 
a^nn,  and  took  up  the  real  spoon,  which  lay  on  a  kind  of  towel 
folded  up  by  my  plate,  and  I  begun  to  eat,  without  saying  a 
•word,  though  I'd  gin  a  silver  dollar  if  they  would  a  let  me  got 
up  and  licked  the  nigger. 

Wai,  arter  I'd  got  a  good  mouthful   of  th*  soup,  I  couldn't 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  25 

make  out  what  it  was  made  of,  for  I  couldn't  remember  of  ever 
seeing  the  came  Miss  Beebe  called  it  by,  in  the  dictionary. 
M;iybe  it's  Latin,  &ays  I,  to  myself,  and  then  I  tried  to  think  over 
what  it  could  mean,  and  if  nobody  had  told  me  what  the  defini 
tion  was  in  the  Latin  school  which  you  sent  me  tu  there  in 
Weathersfield.  Verminsilly !  Verminsilly !  Verminsilly !  kept 
a  running  through  my  head  all  the  time.  I  knew  what  silly 
meant  well  enough,  and  then  it  popped  into  my  head,  all  at 
once,  that  vermin  comes  from  the  Latin  vermis,  which  means 
worms.  Worm  soup !  my  gracious,  the  very  idee  of  it  made 
me  feel  awful  bad  at  the  stomach  !  But  I  might  have  known  it 
by  the  looks,  and  I  should  if  I'd  ever  heard  of  sich  a  thing,  for 
the  h'ttle  slim  critters  swimming  round  in  the  liquor,  looked  as 
much  like  angle- worms  biled  down  white  as  could  be.  Arter  I 
found  out  what  it  was  made  of,  I  rather  guess  they  didn't  catch 
me  a  eating  any  more  of  their  Verminsilly  soup  ;  so  I  pushed  it 
away  half  across  the  table,  and  wiped  my  mouth  purty  consider 
ably  with  my  pocket  handkercher.  The  nigger  took  the  whole 
on't  away,  and  I  declare  I  was  glad  enough  to  get  rid  of  it. 

"  What  on  arth  have  they  put  this  towel  here  for  ?"  says  I  to 
myself;  and  then  I  stole  a  sly  look  over  to  cousin  Beebe,  to  see 
if  he'd  got  one,  or  if  they  only  gave  towels  to  company.  Cousin 
Joh.u  had  one  jest  like  mine,  but  he'd  spread  it  out  on  his  lap, 
so  I  jest  took  up  mine  and  kivered  over  my  cashmeres  with  it 
tu. 

Considering  there  was  no  onions  on  the  table,  I  made  out  a 
purty  fair  dinner.  I  was  a  beginning  to  think  about  moving 
when  the  nigger  brought  a  lot  of  blue  glass  bowls  about  half  fuJ 
of  water,  and  sot  one  down  by  each  of  us.  What  they  could  be 
for  I  hadn't  the  least  notion,  but  I  kept  a  bright  look  out  to  see 
what  cousin  John  did,  and  when  I  saw  him  dip  his  fingers  into 
his  bowl  and  wipe  'em  on  a  sort  of  red  towel  which  the  nigger 
brought  along  with  the  bowls,  I  jest  went  over  the  manoeuvre 
as  natural  as  life. 

Wai,  while  we  were  talking  about  the  banks,  and  old  times, 
and  Weathersfield  folks  dying  off  so,  that  coot  of  a  nigger  cleared 
the  table  right  off  as  slick  as  a  whistle,  and  afore  I  hardly  knew 

2 


26  HIGH    LIFE    FN    NEW    YORK. 

what  the  fellow  was  up  tu  lie  come  along  and  sot  down  a  set  of 
decanters,  and  two  cider  bottles  with  the  necks  all  covered  over 
with  sheet  lead,  and  then  he  brought  two  baskets  made  out  of 
silver,  one  on  'em  was  filled  chuck  full  of  oranges,  and  t'other 
was  heaped  up  with  great  purple  grapes;  I  declare  it  eenamost 
made  my  mouth  water  to  see  the  great  bunches  a  hanging  over 
the  edge  of  the  basket.  I'd  jest  put  a  whopper  of  a  bunch  on 
the  little  Chena  plate  which  the  feller  set  for  me,  and  was  con 
sidering  whether  it  would  be  genteel  to  cut  the  grapes  in  tu  with 
the  cunning  little  silver  knife  which  was  put  by  the  plate,  when 
all  tu  once,  pop  went  something,  eenamost  as  loud  as  a  pistol, 
close  by  me.  I  jumped  up  about  the  quickest,  I  can  tell  you; 
but  it  was  only  the  nigger  a  opening  one  of  the  cider  bottles ;  he 
poured  out  some  for  me  in  a  great  long  glass  with  a  spindle  neck, 
and  I  drunk  it  all  at  a  couple  of  swallers,  without  stopping  to 
breath.  By  jingo !  but  it  was  capital  cider !  arter  I'd  drunk  one 
glass  I  begun  tu  feel  as  spry  as  a  cricket. 

"Here,  snowball,"  says  I,  "give  us  another;  these  glasses  are 
awful  small ;  now,  I  like  to  drink  cider  out  of  a  pint  mug." 

"  Take  care,"  says  cousin  Beebe,  "  I'm  afeard  you'll  find  the 
cider,  as  you  call  it,  rather  apt  to  get  into  your  head." 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it,"  sez  I,  "  I  can  stand  a  quart  any  day.  Here, 
cousin  Mary,  take  another  glass,  you  hain't  forgot  old  times  have 
you?  though  I  s'pose  they  don't  have  applecuts  and  quillings 
here  in  York,  du  they  ?" 

I  don't  remember  what  she  said,  but  I  know  this,  my  eyes  be 
gun  to  grow  allfired  bright,  and  afore  I  got  up  tu  go  hum  that 
iiigirer  luust  have  put  more  than  twenty  baskets  of  grapes  on  the 
table,  and  the  oranges  seemed  to  grow  bigger  and  bigger  every 
minit,  and  I  know  there  wur  more  than  three  times  as  many 
glfisses  and  decanters  on  the  table,  as  there  was  at  fust. 

I  ruther  think  it  was  purty  nigh  tea  time  when  I  got  up  to  go 
back  to  the  t<loop  agin.  I  insisted  on  giving  cousin  Mary  a  buss 
afore  I  went ;  and  I  won't  be  sartin,  but  I  kinder  seem  to  remem 
ber  shaking  hands  with  the  nigger,  cousarn  him,  jest  afore  I  wen) 
down  the  steps. 

I  don't  feel  very  bright  this  morning,  and  I  begin  to  think  tha' 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  27 

mayoe  I  shall  come  back  to  Weathersfield  arter  all.    The  York 
cider  don't  seem  to  agree  with  me.    I've  felt  dredful  peaked  ever 
since  I  drunk  it,  and  kinder  hum  sick  tu  boot. 
Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  HI. 

Jonathan  visits  the  Express  Office — Sensations  on  seeing  himself  in 
print. 

DEAE  PAE : 

Since  I  wrote  my  last  letter  there's  been  no  eend  to  the  things 
that  I've  had  to  du.  Arter  thinking  about  it  eenamost  two 
nights,  I  about  made  up  my  mind  tu  settle  down  here  in  York 
a  spell,  and  send  you  a  grist  of  letters  now  and  then,  which  I 
mean  to  git  printed  in  the  New  York  Express,  the  way  I  told 
you  of. 

I've  been  up  to  see  the  editors,  and  they  want  me  to  stay  pro 
perly,  and  I  don't  think  I  shall  ever  git  so  good  a  chance  to  take 
up  this  literary  way  of  gitting  a  living,  as  they  call  it,  if  I  don't 
snap  at  this  offer  tu  once. 

I  thought  at  first  that  I'd  try  some  other  newspaper,  and  see 
if  I  could  git  a  higher  bid,  but  somehow  I'd  taken  a  shine  to  the 
Express,  and  thought  it  wasn't  worth  while.  It  warn't  because 
there  wasn't  papers  enough,  for  you  can't  step  three  steps  here 
in  York,  without  stumbling  over  a  little  stuck  up  newspaper 
office.  Besides,  there's  no  eend  to  the  papers  carried  round  in 
the  streets.  You  can't  go  any  where  but  some  little  dirty  shaver 
or  other,  about  knee  high  to  a  toad,  will  stick  a  paper  out  under 
your  nose,  and  ask  you  to  buy  it,  as  crank  as  can  be.  Somehow, 
it  kinder  seemed  to  me  that  the  New  York  Express  took  the  shine 
off  the  papers  that  I'd  seen  among  'em  all,  though  they  was  as 
thick  as  toads  arter  a  rain  storm.  I  had  a  notion  to  write  for  it, 
from  the  first,  because,  think  sez  I,  that  prime  feller,  Major  Jack 
Downing,  writes  a  g(.od  deal  for  it,  and  I  rather  think  we  shall 
hitch  tackle  like  any  thing. 


28  HIGH    L1FK    IN    NEW    YORK. 

"Wai,  jest  as  soon  as  I  made  up  my  mind  about  it,  I  went  riglit 
off,  full  chisel,  to  the  Express  Office.  I'd  been  round  there  once 
a  to  re  to  put  my  t'other  letter  into  the  Post  Office,  and  so  the 
uiinit  I  corne  to  the  corner  of  Wall  and  Nassau  Street,  and  saw 
a  house  with  the  "  New  York  Express  Office"  writ  on  the  eeiid, 
I  knew  it  was  the  office  without  asking.  So  I  crossed  over,  and 
kinder  hung  about  a  leetle,  jest  to  make  my  heart  stop  a  beating 
so,  afore  I  went  in.  I  swanny  if  I  ever  felt  so  in  my  life!  I 
was  so  anxious  about  that  long  letter  that  I  sent  to  them  to  get 
printed  for  you,  that  I  was  dreadful  loth  to  go  in,  and  eenamost 
made  up  my  mind  to  turn  about  and  make  tracks  for  the  sloop 
agin! 

Wai,  sez  I  to  myself,  it  won't  do  any  hurt  jest  to  take  a  look 
about  the  premises  afore  I  go.  A  feller  can  find  out  a  good  deal 
about  a  man's  natur,  by  the  looks  of  things  about  the  place  he 
lives  in  ;  so  I  drew  up  before  a  board,  all  stuck  over  witli  picters, 
and  pieces  of  old  newspaper,  by  the  eend  of  the  building,  and 
putting  my  hands  in  my  pockets,  I  stood  still,  and  looked  up'ards 
to  see  what  I  could  make  out.  But  instid  of  taking  an  observa 
tion  of  the  premises,  I  begun  to  think  about  the  cattle  and  the 
spring  shotes  that  Judy  White  used  to  take  sich  care  on,  till  the 
tears  eenamost  cum  into  my  eyes,  I  was  so  humsick. 

Wai,  I  was  standing  there  on  the  stun  walk,  with  both  hands 
buried  considerable  deep  in  my  trousers'  pockets,  a  looking  up  at 
the  sign  writ  out  on  the  eend  of  the  office,  when  a  feller  cum  up 
and  begun  to  read  the  pieces  of  paper  stuck  on  the  board  jest 
outside.  So  I  wiped  the  tarnal  tears  away  with  the  cuff  of  my 
coat,  for  it  made  me  feel  kinder  cheap  to  have  anybody  see  a  fellow 
of  my  size  boo-hooing  in  York  streets  because  he  happened  to 
think  about  hum  and  old  times;  and  I  got  up  a  leetle  grit,  and 
went  right  straight  down  into  the  office,  for  it's  half  under 
ground.  A  chap  that  sot  buck  of  a  sort  of  counter,  where  there 
was  a  lot  of  papers  folded  up,  lifted  his  head  once,  and  went  to 
vr  ting  sigin  as  if  1  warn't  nobody. 

"  Do  you  print  the  Evening  Express  here  ?"  sez  I  kinder  low, 
fir  I  felt  so  dreadful  anxious  al  out  the  letter,  that  I  was  eenamo.>t 
-hoked. 

**  Yes  "  scz  he,  a  g'tting  np,  u  do  you  want  one  i" 


BT    JONATHAN    SLICK.  2D 

"  Wai,  I  don't  care  if  I  take  one,"  sez  1,  a  forking  out  a  four- 
pence-halfpenny  from  my  trousers'  pocket.  "  Anything  parti 
cular — that  is  purty  smart  in  it  to-day  ?" 

"  Nothing  very  remarkable  to-day,"  sez  he,  "but  if  you  cah 
to-morrow  we  t-hall  print  a  capital  letter  from  one  Mr.  Jonathan 
Slick  of  Weathersfield." 

I  swanny  if  my  heart  didn't  jump  like  a  rabbit  at  the  sight  of 
a  piece  of  sweet  apple  in  snow  time  !  "  You  don't  say  so,"  sez 
I,  and  I  tried  not  to  look  tickled  all  I  could,  but  somehow  my 
mouth  wouldn't  stay  still ;  and  I  hain't  the  least  dout  but  that 
I  kept  grinning  in  the  feller's  face,  jest  like  a  monkey  over  a  hot 
chesnut.  It  was  as  much  as  I  could  du  to  keep  from  jumping 
over  the  counter  and  hugging  him,  I  was  so  allfired  glad. 

He  didn't  seem  to  mind,  but  sot  down  and  begun  to  write  agin 
as  if  nothing  was  the  matter,  and  so  I  took  up  the  paper  and 
went  off;  but,  I  ruther  guess  I  stepped  high,  for  I  kept  thinking 
what  you  and  marm  and  Judy  White  would  say  when  you  saw 
yourselves  all  in  print  as  large  as  life. 

"When  I  went  out,  there  stood  the  chap  a  reading  the  pieces  of 
newspapers  yit.  I  wanted  to  go  up  and  shake  hands  with  him. 
and  tell  him  all  about  it,  I  was  so  full  of  what  the  chap  inside 
said  about  my  letter,  but  I  didn't  though.  I  went  down  to  the 
sloop,  and  I  wanted  to  tell  Captain  Doolittle  about  it.  But,  sez 
I  to  myself,  I'll  choke  in  to-day,  but  if  his  eyes  don't  stick  out 
to-morrow  I'll  lose  my  guess. 

I  ruther  think  that  I  didn't  let  the  grass  grow  under  my  feet, 
when  Thursday  cum,  but  up  I  went  at  the  Express  Office  like  a 
house  a-fire.  It  raly  seem'd  as  if  my  heart  would  bust,  I  was  so 
dreadful  anxious  to  see  the  paper.  I  didn't  stop  to  ketch  breath 
but  went  right  into  the  office,  and  there  sot  a  couple  of  fellers 
that  looked  as  stiff  and  knowing  as  could  be,  back  of  the  counter. 
Sez  I  to  myself,  I  guess  I've  found  the  editors  this  time  anyhow. 

"  I  want  to  get  five  papers  right  off,"  says  I  (laying  a  quartet 
o'dollar  on  the  counter) ;  with  that  one  of  the  editors  got  up,  as 
mealy-mouthed  as  could  be,  and  he  put  the  quarter  back  in  my 
hands — sez  he, 

"Mr.  Slick,  we  shan't  take  money  from  you;  here  are  the 


80  HIGH    LIFE    IK    NEW    YORK. 

papers — come,  take  a  seat  back  of  the  counter  here — wo  want 
to  have  a  little  talk  with  you." 

Wai,  I  went  back,  and  the  tallest  of  the  two  chaps  got  up,  and 
gin  me  his  chair,  and  says  he,  "Mr.  Slick,  we've  printed  your 
letter,  and  should  like  to  have  some  more  on  'em." 

I  hitched  a  little  in  my  chair,  and  sez  I,  "  "Wai,  if  we  can  agree 
about  the  price,  I  don't  care  if  I  send  you  a  few  more  now  and 
then." 

"What  subjects  do  you  mean  to  take  up,  Mr.  Slick?"  says  the 
shortest  one. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  hain't  made  up  my  mind  yit,  but  I  reckon 
a'most  anything  that  turns  up." 

"  Supposing  you  try  politics,"  sez  the  tall  feller.  "  Major  Jack 
Downing  has  done  purty  well  in  that  line.  The  'lection  comes 
on  soon,  and  it'll  be  a  good  time  for  you  to  begin." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  ill  go  about  a  little,  and  see  how  I  like  it." 

"  That's  settled,  then,"  sez  t'other.  "  Now,  Mr.  Slick,  if  we 
ain't  making  too  bold,  I  should  like  to  know  how  long  you  have 
been  in  New  York  ?" 

I  kinder  larfed  in  my  sleeve  to  hear  the  sly  coot  try  to  come 
round,  and  find  out  who  I  was  and  all  about  me.  Sez  J  to  my 
self,  I  ain't  quite  sartin  about  the  tall  chap  there,  but  I'll  be  blamed 
if  you've  the  least  bit  of  Yankee  in  you.  Now  a  feller  of  rale 
ginuine  grit  would  cum  up  to  the  mark  tu  once,  and  would  a  jest 
asked  a  feller  right  out  who  he  was,  and  where  he  cum  from,  and 
how  much  he  was  worth,  and  how  much  he  owed,  besides  some 
cute  questions  about  his  wife  and  children,  if  he  wanted  tu. 
Wai,  thinks  I,  the  man  hain't  been  brought  up  to  these  things, 
and  he  ain't  to  be  blamed  for  not  knowing  how.  So  I  put  one 
leg  over  t'other,  and  sez  I, 

"Wai,  gentlemen,  it  ain't  of  no  use  to  go  circumventing  round 
the  subject,  as  old  Deacon  Miles  used  to  in  his  exhortation?, 
that  had  neither  eend,  middle,  or  beginning.  So  I'll  jest  up  and 
tell  right  out  who  I  am,  and  what  I  mean  to  du. 

"  I  s'pose  you've  heard  of  Samuel  Slick,  that  feller  that  wrote 
that  tarnal  smart  book  about  Canada,  wooden  clocks,  and  matters 
and  things  in  giner&I  ?" 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  31 

"Sam  Siick,  you  mean,"  sez  the  tall  editor. 

"  No,  I  don't,"  sez  I,  setting  up  straight ;  "  he  was  "baptized- 
Samuel  in  the  old  Presbyterian  Meeting-house  in  Weathersfield, 
and  nobody  but  the  newspaper  chaps  ever  thought  of  calling  him 
Sam.  It's  too  had  this  notion  of  cutting  off  the  latter  eend  of  a 
feller's  name ;  it's  a  whittling  things  down  a  leetle  too  close,  and 
looks  as  if  a  feller's  father  was  so  awful  poor,  that  he  couldn't 
afford  to  give  a  hull  name  to  his  posterity.  "Wai,  Samuel  Slick, 
Esquire,  is  rny  own  natral  born  brother — I  hain't  no  idee  of  brag 
ging  ahout  my  relation,  because  it's  my  notion  that  in  a  free 
country  every  feller  ought  to  cut  his  own  fodder ;  but  when  a 
man's  relations  is  getting  up  in  the  world,  it's  of  no  use  to  be 
mealy-mouthed  about  owning  'em." 

"Yes,"  says  the  tall  chap.  "Mr.  Samuel  Slick  is  a  relation 
which  any  man  might  be  proud  to  own." 

I  larfed  a  little.  "  Sartinly,"  sez  I,  "  Samuel  has  contrived  to 
come  his  '  soft  sodder'  over  you  newspaper  chaps  about  the  nicest. 
I've  a  notion,  too,  that  they'll  find  out  that  I  haint  much  behind 
hand  with  him  ;  but  I  mean  to  write  something  about  my  life  in 
"Weathersfield  one  of  these  days,  and  send  it  to  you  to  print. 

"  Now,  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  I've  a  notion  to  hire  an  office 
somewhere  down  in  Cherry  street,  and  if  you'll  print  my  letters, 
why,  I  reckon  I  can  make  out  to  get  a  living  out  of  these  Yorkers, 
by  hook  or  by  crook.  I  mean  to  du  things  above  board,  and  in 
an  independent  way,  jest  to  see  how  the  experiment  'ill  work, 
but  if  I  find  that  it  won't  do,  I'll  take  up  Samuel's  plan,  and  go 
the  soft  sodder  principle ;  his  mode  'ill  work  tarnation  well,  and 
if  they  don't  find  Jonathan  Slick,  your  most  obedient  servant  to 
command,  a  chip  from  the  same  block,  I'll  lose  my  guess,  that's 
all!" 

When  I  said  this,  I  got  up  and  put  on  my  hat,  and  then  I  hap 
pened  to  think  about  the  fourpence  halfpenny,  and  I  turned  to 
the  chap  that  sot  writing,  and  sez  I — 

"  Look  a  here !  I  believe  I  forgot  to  take  change  for  fourpence 
t'other  day.  I'll  take  that  three  cents  now,  if  you've  no  objec 
tion."  The  feller  handed  over  the  three  coppers,  and  I  pocketed 
'em  as  I  went  out  of  doors.  **A  penny  saved  ia  worth  two 
arned,"  says  I  to  myself. 


32  HIGH    LIFE    IN    KKW    YORK. 

The  very  minit  I  got  into  the  street,  I  couldn't  hold  in  any 
]  >pger.  So  I  jest  stopped  on  the  walk  by  the  Post-office  and 
opened  one  of  the  papers.  By  the  living  hokey!  if  the  first 
thing  I  see  wasn't  a  picter  of  ray  own  self,  as  large  as  life  and 
twice  as  nat'ral,  a  standing  up  on  the  top  of  the  paper  as  crank 
as  could  be.  There  was  the  Express  office  jest  as  it  was  when 
I  fust  see  it.  I  swan !  if  I  didn't  haw-haw  right  out  loud  in  the 
street !  Down  I  went  to  the  sloop,  about  the  quickest,  and  I  up 
and  told  Captain  Doolittle  all  about  it.  I  thought  the  tarual 
critter  would  a  gone  off  the  handle,  he  larfed  so  when  he  saw 
how  nat'ral  the  picter  looked ;  but  he  larfed  on  t'other  side  of 
his  mouth,  I  reckon,  when  he  read  what  I'd  said  about  him  in 
the  letter.  He  got  awful  wrathy,  but  I  only  sot  still  and  took  it 
as  if  nothing  had  been  the  matter. 

"  Look  a  here,  Captain  Doolittle,"  sez  I,  "  aint  Editors  and 
Lawyers  always  abusing  one  another  in  print?  Don't  they  call 
each  other  all  kinds  o'  names,  and  then  don't  they  shake  hands 
and  come  soft  sodder  over  each  other  when  they  come  face  to 
face  ?  If  you  have  the  honor  of  going  about  with  a  man  that 
writes  for  the  newspapers,  you  must  be  an  etarnal  coot  if  you  git 
mad  because  he  prints  that  you  love  cider-brandy  and  eat  raw- 
turnips.  I  can  tell  you  what,  you  wouldn't  find  many  news 
paper  chaps  that'd  stick  to  the  truth  as  close  as  I  did.  So  jest 
haul  in  your  horns,  and  I'll  write  a  private  letter  to  Par,  and  tell 
him  all  I  said  about  you  was  '  poetical  license,'  as  the  editors  call 
it  when  they've  told  a  whopper,  or  a  leetle  too  much  truth — 
for  one's  as  bad  as  t'other  now-a-days." 

"  Wai,"  sez  he,  "  if  you'll  du  that,  I'll  make  up ;  yit  it's  allfired 
hard.  But  I  say,  Jonathan,  you'll  stand  treat,  won't  you?" 

I  felt  sorry  for  the  critter,  and  so  I  went  to  a  grocery  with 
him,  and  I  guess  the  long  nines  and  the  New  England  rum  that 
I  called  for  sot  all  things  tu  rights  in  less  than  no  time. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLIOK. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  S3 


LETTER  IV. 

The  Political  Meeting  and  its  Disasters. 
DEAB  PAB  : 

Wai,  a  few  nights  ago,  I  thought  I'd  try  one  of  them  politic** 
meetings  the  Editor's  wanted  me  to  attend  and  see  how  they 
carried  on  there.  So  Captain  Doolittle  and  I  went  to  one  of  the 
great  halls  hired  for  caucuses  and  crowded  in  by  degrees,  for  the 
hull  building  was  jammed  full  of  human  live  stock  long  afore  we 
got  there.  Arter  a  good  deal  of  scuffling,  we  got  up  by  one  of 
the  winders  where  we  could  see  purty  much  all  that  was  going 
on.  I  never  in  all  my  born  days  saw  such  a  lot  of  horned  cattle 
together.  Some  on  'em  was  barefooted,  and  a  good  many  hadn't 
more  than  a  coat  and  a  pair  of  trousers  among  four  or  five  on 
'em.  One  feller  close  by  me  had  the  rim  of  his  hat  ripped  off 
till  it  hung  down  on  his  shoulders :  the  top  was  stove  in,  and  he 
had  a  black  eye,  besides  another  that  wouldn't  see  straight. 
"  Look  a  here,"  sez  he,  to  me,  "  why  don't  you  shout  when  we 
du?" 

"  Because  I  aint  a  mind  tu,"  sez  I ;  "  how  are  you  going  to 
help  yourself  2"  Jest  then  a  leetle  pussy  lawyer  cum  a  crowding 
through  the  gang,  and  at  the  sight  of  him  they  all  sot  up  a  noise 
that  made  my  hair  stand  on  eend. 

I  never  heard  anything  like  it ;  they  yelled  and  hollered  enough 
to  split  the  ruff  of  the  house.  The  chunked  feller,  with  his  hat 
knocked  into  the  middle  of  next  week,  poked  about  with  his 
elbows  till  he  got  room  to  draw  his  fiddle  bow  across  a  rickety 
fiddle,  that  had  two  of  the  strings  broke  off  and  was  cracked 
from  eend  to  eend.  Squeak,  squeak,  went  the  fiddle  close  to  my 
ear,  like  a  pig  when  he's  being  yoked.  With  that,  a  lot  of  fellers, 
some  with  their  coat  tails  tor<r  off,  and  some  with  their  trousers 
held  up  with  a  piece  of  list  instead  of  galluses,  and  every  one  on 
'em  as  ragged  as  year  old  colts,  begun  to  dance  up  and  down  the 
room,  but  such  double  shuffles  and  pigeon  wings  was  enough  to 
3 


34,  HIGH   LIFE   IN   NEW   YORK. 

make  a  feller  die  a  larfin.  Our  old  white  cow  used  to  danc« 
twee  as  well  when  she  got  into  one  of  her  tantrums.  "  Hurra 
for  our  side!  hurra  1  hurra!"  yelled  out  a  tall  feller  close  by  the 
fiddler,  with  a  mouth  that  twisted  one  way  and  his  nose  curling 
off  on  t'other  side,  as  if  they  hated  each  other  like  cats  and  dogs ; 
and  with  that  he  took  off  his  old  straw  hat  and  shied  it  off  into 
the  middle  of  the  dancers.  It  lodged  on  the  top  of  a  feller's 
head  that  was  jest  then  trying  to  cut  a  pigeon  wing  over  one  of 
the  benches. 

"  Helloa,  you  feller  you,  jest  toss  back  that  hat,  will  you  ?" 
sung  out  the  tall  feller,  a  pitching  for'ard  head  over  heela  arter 
his  hat. 

"  No  I  wont,  I'll  be  rumbusticated  if  I  dn ;"  sez  the  t'other 
chap,  a  pushing  toward  the  door,  holding  the  hat  down  with 
both  hands,  as  if  he  warn't  used  to  them  kind  o'  things ;  "  all 
fair  in  lection  time.  Hurra  for  equal  rights!" 

Jest  then  there  cum  in  a  grist  of  fellers  a  yelling  and  a  kicking 
up  their  heels  like  all  possessed.  They'd  brought  in  some  more 
'lection  news. 

"Who  on  arth  can  these  critters  be?"  sez  I  to  Cap  tin 
Doolittle. 

"  Oh  that's  a  squad  of  Irishmen ;  don't  you  see  how  the  hair's 
all  worn  off  their  heads  a  carrying  brick  hods  on  'ein  ?"  says  the 
Oaptin. 

"  You  don't  say  so  ;  now  by  gracious  how  they  du  blather  o'lt 
their  words,  dont  they  ?"  sez  I,  but  I  might  as  well  a  been  talk 
ing  to  a  stun  fence,  for  jest  that  minit  the  hull  on  'em  sot  up  a 
noise  that  was  enough  to  make  a  feller's  eye  teeth  jump  out  of 
his  head. 

Did  you  ever  hear  four  hundred  thousand  wild  cats,  and  bears, 
and  wolves,  and  screech  owls,  a  squalling,  and  a  howling,  and  a 
squeaking  together  ?  If  you  haint,  there's  no  use  trying  to  make 
you  have  the  least  idee  how  that  etarnal  crowd  of  critters  did 
hoot  and  yell.  There  they  were  a  screaming,  and  a  stamping,  and 
a  dancing,  and  a  fiddling,  all  in  a  heap,  till  a  feller  couldn't  hear 
himself  think,  and  wouldn't  a  known  what  he  was  thinking 
about  if  he  did  hear. 

Now  says  a  leetle  man  by  the  winder,  clear  your  pipes,  feller 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  35 

citizens;  ht's  give  'em  a  song.  I've  got  one  printed  off  here  so 
that  you  can  all  jine  in.  Them  that  can't  read  or  don't  know 
the  tune  can  sing  Yankee  Doodle  or  Hail  Columbia. 

With  that  he  flung  a  hull  grist  of  papers  among  the  crowd 
and  begun  tu  raise  his  ebenezer  rather  strong  afore  the  rest  sot 
in.  By-am-by  they  all  got  a  going,  and  the  way  they  roared  out 
the  song  was  awful,  I  can  tell  you.  Some  of  'em  sung  in  one 
tune  and  some  in  another — every  man  went  on  his  own  hook. 
The  pussy  little  feller  pulled  away  on  the  fiddle  like  all  natur, 
and  the  chap  with  the  skewed  nose  made  a  plaguey  squeaking 
with  a  split  fife  that  he  had.  The  feller  that  hadn't  no  crown  in 
his  hat  bellered  out  Auld  Lang  Syne,  and  I  see  another  chap 
holding  his  paper  upside  down,  and  blowing  away  at  Old  Hun 
dred  like  all  natur.  When  they  begun  to  drop  off,  for  it  warn't 
to  be  expected  that  sich  a  heap  of  critters  could  stop  all  together, 
the  pussy  feller  with  the  fiddle  yelled  out,  "  Hurra  for  the  song ! 
— Three  cheers  for  singing !"  And  then  they  went  at  it  agin,  a 
hooting  and  tossing  up  their  hats — them  that  had  'em — as  if  Old 
Kick  himself  had  kicked  'em  on  eend.  By  gracious !  I  don't 
believe  such  a  lot  of  white  Inguns  ever  got  together  before,  or 
ever  will  agin.  There  was  one  great  feller,  as  pussy  as  a  bag  of 
bran  in  harvest  time,  that  roared  out  his  words  like  a  hog  that 
had  been  larned  to  talk. 

"•That's  a  Yorkshireman,"  sez  Captin  Doolittle,  "I'll  treat  if 
it  aint." 

"  Wai.  who  on  arth  is  that  feller  there  a  talking  to  that  little 
stuck  up  chap  with  the  peaked  nose  ?  What  in  the  name  of 
-natur  does  he  mean  by  his  spracks  and  his  yaws?  If  I  was  the 
little  feller,  I'd  jest  thank  him  not  to  bark  in  my  face  that  way ; 
he  opens  his  mouth  as  if  he  was  a  going  to  swaller  the  poof 
critter  hull,  every  time  he  speaks — du  tell,  who  can  he  be, 
Captin?" 

"  Wai,"  sez  the  Captin,  "  I  don't  know  sartin,  but  I  ruther 
guess  he's  one  of  them  Dutch  fellers,  by  his  lingo." 

"There,  now,  look  a  there,"  sez  I,  a  pinting  to  a  feller  that 
had  jest  come  up  to  the  Dutch  chap.  He  wasn't  over  clean, 
anyhow,  but  he  had  a  great  brass  handkercher-pin  stuck  in  his 
bosom,  and  he  strutted  so  that  a  common  chap  couldn't  a  touched 


36  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    TORK. 

him  with  a  ten  foot  pole.  I  poked  my  elbows  into  Captin  Doolit- 
tie's  ribs,  to  try  and  make  him  tell  me  what  he  was;  but  he  wan 
a  looking  t'other  way,  and  wouldn't  mind  me.  By-am-by  the  fel 
ler  begun  to  talk  to  the  Dutch  chap,  lie  kept  a  flinging  lii* 
arms  about  every  which  way,  and  a  jabbering  over  a  mess  of 
lingo  that  was  enough  to  make  a  man  larf  in  his  face.  The 
words  all  run  together  like  marm's  curd  when  the  cheese  gets 
€ontrary  and  wont  set.  The  Dutch  feller  kept  a  opening  his 
mouth,  and  once  in  a  while  a  word  would  come  out  full  chunk 
right  in  t'other's  face.  Think  sez  I,  if  this  aint  a  touch  of  the 
dead  languages,  it  ought  to  be,  that's  all — for  it's  enough  to 
make  a  feller  die  right  off  to  hear  it.  He  seemed  to  be  ashamed 
of  himself  at  last,  and  begun  to  try  to  t&lk  genuine  American, 
but  he  made  awful  work  on't.  By-am-by  I  found  out  that  ho 
was  a  Frenchman ;  for  a  tall  laathy  feller,  that  I'd  a  took  my 
Bible  oath  cum  straight  off  the  Green  Mountains,  went  up  to 
him,  sort  (>'  wrathy,  and  sez  he,  "  Hold  your  yop,  you  tarnal 
Frenchman ;  if  you  don't  like  this  country  and  what  we're  a 
doing,  you'd  better  go  back  hum  agin.  I  haint  no  doubt  but 
you  can  git  enough  frog  soup  without  coming  here  to  run  ua 
down." 

The  French  feller  turned  as  red  as  a  turkey's  topping,  and  ho 
began  to  sputter  away  as  mad  as  he  could  be.  But  t'other  chap 
jest  put  his  hands  in  his  pocket?  and  sez  he — "you  go  to  grass." 
I  don't  know  what  else  he  said,  for  that  minit  they  all  sot  up  one 
of  their  almighty  roars  and  yelled  out — ''a  speech,  a  speech." 
Then  a  feller  with  spectacles  on,  got  up  to  make  a  speech,  and 
arter  rolling  up  his  shirt  sleeves  and  spitting  on  his  hand.3  as  if 
he  was  going  to  chopping  wood,  he  went  at  it  shovel  and  tongs. 

I'll  be  darned  to  darnation  if  it  didn't  make  my  blood  bile  to 
hear  how  he  went  on.  Sich  a  stream  o'  talk  I  never  did  hear 
cum  from  one  human  critter.  At  last  I  got  so  wrathy  that  I 
couldn't  stand  it  no  longer,  and  bust  right  out  the  minit  he'd 
got  through. 

"Feller  citizens  of  New  York,"  sez  I,  a  mounting  myself  on 
the  winder  sill,  and  sticking  my  right  arm  out  as  stiff  as  a  crow 
bar,  "  I  aint  much  used  to  public  speaking,  but  I  must  say  a  few 
words." 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  37 

"  Hnrra  for  the  Yankee — go  it  green  horn — tip  us  a  speecn,  a 
rale  downright  Roarer !"  sung  out  more  than  a  dozen  on  'em, 
and  all  the  men  about  me  turned  their  jaws  up,  and  opened  their 
mouths  as  if  I'd  been  histed  up  there  for  a  show. 

"Feller  citizens,"  sez  I,  "I've  been  a  listening  to  you  here  this 
night  (they  kept  as  still  as  mice  now),  and  the  rale  American 
blood  has  been  biling  in  my  heart  to  see  sich  carryings  on  and  to 
hear  sich  things  said  as  that  feller's  been  a  talking,"  ("  Hustle 
him  out,"  sez  they,  "throw  him  over;  go  it  ye  cripples;")  but 
when  they  got  still  sez  I,  "  Since  I've  cum  here  to  this  city  I've 
almost  made  up  my  mind  that  there  aint  a  ginuine  teetotal  pa 
triot  among  ye  all,  on  one  side  or  t'other,  and  that  the  least  shake 
of  a  truth  would  suit  a  downright  politic  feller  as  well  as  water 
would  a  mad  dog,  and  no  better  ! "  ("  Hurra  for  the  Yankee,1' 
sez  they.)  "  Now,"  says  I,  a  sticking  out  both  arms  tu  once,  "  In 
revolutionary  times  it  was  worth  while  to  a  public  character  to 
turn  solger,  or  patriot,  or  politician,  for  in  them  times  folks  found 
so  much  to  du  that  they  couldn't  git  time  to  lie  so  like  all  natur 
as  they  du  now-a-days.  In  them  glorious  times  a  feller  could 
shoulder  his  bagonet  and  write  out  his  politics  on  the  heart  of 
the  enemy,  and  there  warn't  no  mistake  in  the  handwriting. 
(What  a  clapping  and  stomping  they  made  here !)  "When  they 
sung  out  liberty,  I  reckon  the  British  knew  the  meaning  on't." 
("  Three  cheers  for  the  Yankee,"  sez  they  again,  "  Three  cheers 
for  the  Yankee,")  and  then  they  hollered  and  yelled  and  whooped 
and  stomped,  and  whooped  and  yelled  agin  and  agin,  like  so 
many  Injuns  jest  broke  loose, — then  sez  I — for  I  was  skeered  by 
the  noise  they  made,  and  my  hair  stood  up  on  eend  I  felt  so 
dandery.  "  Feller  citizens,  as  true  as  I  live,  it  eenamost  makes 
me  cuss  and  swear  to  think  on't,  though  my  par  is  the  deacon  of 
a  church.  When  the  people  of  these  times  sing  out  liberty,  a 
feller  can't  tell  whether  they  mean  to  tear  down  a  flour  store  or 
roast  a  nigger  alive."  (But  don't  you  think,  that  when  I  got  as 
fur  as  here,  as  much  as  two  thousand  on  'em  was  taken  dreadful 
siok  all  tu  once,  and  groaned  out  iu  rale  agony,)  "  but,"  sez  I,  "  I 
don't  wonder  the  old  Revolutionary  Patriots  die  off  so.  What 
I've  seen  of  politics  is  enough  to  send  every  one  on  'em  into  the 
grave  with  their  tough  old  hearts  broken  and  their  foreheads  wrin- 


33  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

kled  with  shame  at  the  news  they  have  got  to  carry  to  Gineral 
Washington  in  t'other  world ! " 

I  stopped  to  catch  a  little  breath  and  was  jest  poking  out  my 
arm  agin  to  go  on,  for  I  felt  as  bold  as  a  lion,  and  the  words  cum 
a  flowing  into  my  mouth  so  thick,  I  couldn't  but  jest  find  room 
for  'em.  But  the  etarnal  pack  of  varmints  set  up  a  yell  that 
would  a  frightened  any  man  out  of  a  year's  growth ;  and  afore  I 
knew  which  eend  my  head  was  on,  they  got  hold  on  me  and 
pitctied  me  down  stairs,  and  left  me  a  wallering  in  the  gutter. 
The  first  thing  I  knew  I  felt  something  floundering  about  under 
me,  and  a  great  black  hog  that  had  been  lying  in  the  gutter  give 
a  grunt,  and  pitched  me  for'ard  on  my  face  and  went  off  squeal 
ing  a  little  as  if  he  was  used  to  being  driv  up  by  company  any 
time  of  night  in  them  quarters. 

Wai,  I  picked  myself  up  as  well  as  I  could,  and  I  went  down 
to  the  Express  office  like  a  streak  of  chalk.  I  found  the  tall 
editor  a  setting  there  counting  up  some  'lection  figgers,  and  he 
looked  eenatnost  tuckered  out.  Sez  I,  "  Mister  Editor,  look  a 
here,"  and  with  that  I  showed  him  where  they'd  bust  out  the 
back  of  my  coat  a  flinging  me  down  stairs,  and  how  that  plaguy 
nog  had  kivered  my  new  cassimere  trousers  all  over  with  mud. 
Sez  he,  and  he  couldn't  help  from  larfing,  "  don't  mind  it,  Mr. 
Slick  ;  I've  got  wuss  usage  than  that  many  a  time." 

"  Yis,"  sez  I,  as  wrothy  as  all  natur,  "but  I  guess  you  haint 
been  pitched  head  for'ard  into  the  gutter  with  that  tarnal  hog." 

"Wai,"  sez  he,  a  trying  to  keep  from  larfin  all  he  could,  "  try 
it  again,  Mr.  Slick,  you'll  get  used  to  these  things  by-am-by." 

"I'll  be  darned  to  darnation  if  I  du,  and  that's  the  eend  on't!" 
sez  I,  a  doubling  up  my  fist.  "  If  I  can't  find  nothing  but 
politics  to  write  about,  I'll  go  back  to  Weathersfield  about  the 
quickest,  I  can  tell  you  that." 

Wai,  the  long  and  the  short  on  it  was,  I  got  back  to<he  sloop 
and  turned  in  awfully  womblecropped,  and  as  sore  all  over  as  a 
bile.    I  can't  go  out  to-day,  so  I  have  writ  this  letter. 
From  your  loving  son^ 

JONATHAB  SLICK. 


BV   JONATHAN    SLICK.  80 


LETTER  V. 
A  Little  of  Jonathan's  Private  Love  Affairs. 

To  THE  EDITOES  OF  THE  EXPBESS  : 

Wai,  you  see  I'm  as  good  as  my  word.  I  hadn't  hardly  read 
t'other  letter  through,  afore  I  sot  right  down  and  begun  this  right 
off  the  reel.  By  the  living  jingo  1  how  it  makes  the  blood  bile 
and  tingle  in  a  fellow's  heart  to  see  his  writing  printed,  and  to 
hear  people  a  talking  about  it.  I  wish  you  could  a  seen  my 
office  the  morning  arter  that  fust  letter  cum  out.  I  thought  my 
neck  would  V  got  the  cramp,  I  had  to  bow  so  much  to  the  folks 
that  cum  in  to  give  me  advice  about  my  letters.  One  feller  got 
awful  wrathy  about  what  I  writ  about  politics,  but  I  jest  told 
him  to  mind  his  own  bisness,  for  I  gaessed  my  eye  teeth  was  cut 
if  I  did  cum  from  the  country.  He  begun  to  git  a  leetle 
imperdent,  so  I  got  up  and  showed  him  the  door;  and  when 
he  wouldn't  go  peaceably,  I  jest  give  him  a  specimen  of 
Weathersfield  sole-leather,  but  it's  no  use  writing  about  such 
varmint. 

Now  you  know  who  I  be,  you  won't  think  it  very  odd  when 
I  tell  you  how  awful  womblecropt  I  felt  to  think  what  a  chance 
the  old  folks  gave  Samuel  to  see  the  world,  while  they  kept  me 
tied  down  to  the  onion  beds  as  tight  as  marm  Jones  used  to  be 
to  that  leetle  squalling  youngen  of  hern,  that  was  so  cross  that 
its  teeth  couldn't  cut  straight,  but  stuck  out  catecorning  all 
ronnd  its  gums. 

It  made  me  choke  awfully  to  see  Samuel  drive  off  with  his 
wagon  chuck  full  c  f  wooden  clocks,  all  painted  and  varnished  up 
as  neat  and  shining  as  one  of  your  New  York  gal's  faces  on  a 
Sunday.  I  could  bit  a  tenpenny  nail  right  in  two  without  feel 
ing  it  a  morsel;  but  it  was  no  use  quarrelling.  The  old  man 
said  I  hadn't  got  my  growth  yit,  which  was  true  enoimh,  for  it 
kinder  stunted  me  to  be  always  a  bending  over  the  darnatioa 


40  HIGH    L1KK    IN    M-;n'    YOKK. 

onion  patches.  It  was  awful  hard,  I  can  tell  jou.  I  do  believe, 
if  it  hadn't  been  for  the  resting  spells  I  got  in  the  winter,  I  slionld 
a  been  as  bow  backed  as  an  ox  yoke.  I'll  be  darned,  if  it  didn't 
take  me  from  fall  till  planting  time  to  get  the  kinks  out  of  my  back. 

Wai,  I  grinned  and  bore  it  purty  well,  considering,  and,  to 
own  the  truth,  it  wasn't  so  terrible  hard  while  Judy  White  lived 
with  marm.  For  a  hired  gal,  Judy  was  a  tarnal  smart  critter ; 
there  wasn't  a  gal  in  all  "Weathersfield  could  pull  an  even  yoke 
with  her  a  stringing  onions.  Nothing  on  arth  puts  a  feller  to 
his  stumps  like  pulling  in  the  same  team  with  a  purty  gal — and 
between  us,  it  aint  no  ways  disagreeable  to  sit  down  in  the 
middle  of  a  patch  of  onions  all  running  to  seed,  to  work  \\  ith  a 
gal  like  Judy.  I  say  nothing,  but,  by  gracious!  if  my  heart 
hasn't  beat  like  a  partridge  on  a  dry  log,  sometimes  when  I've 
catched  her  a  looking  at  me  from  under  her  great  sun-bonnet ; 
but  as  for  courting  or  anything  of  that  sort,  she  kept  a  feller  at  a 
distance,  I  can  tell  you.  I  ruther  guess  my  ears  catched  it  once, 
but  I  reckon  I  won't  tell  of  that  though ;  it's  better  to  think 
about  than  talk  over. 

I  don't  mean  to  say  that  Judy  had  anything  agin  sparking  in 
a  regular  way,  on  Sunday  nights  in  the  east  room,  when  the 
paper  curtains  was  all  down,  and  the  old  folks  had  gone  to  bed. 
It  cum  kinder  nateral  to  set  up  till  two  or  three  o'clock,  and 
Judy  warn't  by  no  means  old-maidish.  But  by-am-by  the  old 
woman  began  to  make  a  fuss  cause  we  burned  out  so  many  of  her 
candles.  She  needn't  a  made  such  a  rout,  for  they  warn't  inado 
of  nothing  but  soap  grease  with  tow  wicks ;  and  I'm  sartin  it 
wasn't  my  fault  if  we  burnt  so  many.  I'd  a  been  glad  enough 
to  have  sot  in  the  dark,  but  Judy  wouldn't  hear  a  word  on't. 

The  old  woman  got  into  a  tantrum  one  Monday  morning  afore 
breakfast.  She  called  Judy  all  sorts  of  things  but  a  good  jil 
and  a  lady,  and  twitted  her  about  being  poor  and  setting  her  cap 
for  me.  At  last  Judy  got  her  grit  up,  and  I  ruther  guess  she 
finished  off  the  old  woman  in  fine  style.  I  suffered  a  low 
between  them,  I  can  tell  you.  The  old  woman  began  to  brag 
about  Samuel,  for  she's  felt  mighty  crank  about  him  ever  since 
lie  had  that  great  dinner  give  to  him  down  on  the  Canada  line 
there — and  sez  she  to  Judy,  sez  she  — 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  41 

"  I  don't  see  how  on  artli  you  aim  to  think  of  such  imperdence 
as  sitting  up  with  my  Jonathan.  Why,  aint  my  Samuel  one  of 
the  higgest  authors  in  the  country,  aint  he  hand  and  glove  with 
all  the  judges  and  lawyers,  and  the  New  York  editors,  and  all  the 
big  bugs  fur  and  near?  I'd  have  you  to  know  my  boys  aint  men 
cf  the  common  chop,  and  I  guess  any  on  'em  will  look  a  plaguey 
sight  higher  than  to  take  up  with  a  hired  gal.  Why,  who  knows 
but  Jonathan  will  be  as  illustrated  a  man  as  his  brother  one  of 
these  days!" 

I  couldn't  begin  to  give  the  least  idea  of  the  stream  o'talk  the 
old  woman  let  out  on  the  poor  gal.  But,  by  gracious,  I  rather 
guess  she  missed  it  a  few.  I  wish  you  could  a  seen  Judy  White's 
face,  for  by  the  living  hokey,  if  it  didn't  turn  five  hundred 
colours  in  a  minit.  I  raly  thought  the  critter  would  a  jumped 
out  of  her  skin  she  was  so  awful  mad. 

"  I  don't  care  that  for  your  son,  Miss  Slick,"  sez  she,  a  snapping 
her  fingers  in  the  old  woman's  face,  "  I  can  marry  his  betters  any 
day.  I  wouldn't  have  him,  not  if  every  hair  in  his  head  was 
shining  with  diamonds ;  no,  not  if  he'd  go  down  on  his  knees  to 
me ;  you  make  a  terrible  fuss  cause  Sam's  gone  sneaking  about 
among  decent  people,  bur,  after  all,  what  is  he  but  a  wooden 
clock  pedler,  and  as  for  you,  you  old  vinegar-faced  good  for 
nothin ." 

She  was  a  going  on  to  give  poor  marm  an  awful  drubbing,  but 
I  always  think  a  feller  must  be  a  mean  shote  that  'ill  stand  mum 
and  hear  any  body  call  his  mother  names,  whether  she  desarves 
them  or  not.  So  I  stepped  up  and  stood  right  afore  Judy,  and  I 
looked  her  straight  in  the  face,  and,  sez  I,  "  Miss  Judy,"  sez  I, 
"  I  don't  want  to  hear  no  more  of  this  ere  ;  come  now,  you  and 
marm  jest  hush  up,  and  don't  let  me  hear  another  darned  word, 
for  I  won't  stand  it." 

With  that  marm  put  her  linsey  woolsey  apron  up  to  her  face, 
and  begun  to  boo  hoo  right  out,  and,  sez  she,  ''It  comes  awful 
tough  to  be  trod  on  in  one's  own  house ;  I  won't  bear  it,  so  there 
now." 

"Now.  Judy,"  sez  I,  kinder  coaxing,  "jest  go  and  make  up; 
marra's  a  good-hearted  critter,  and  you  know  it's  kinder  nateral 
for  wimmin  folks  to  git  a  little  crabbed  once  in  a  while." 


42  HIGH    LIFJE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

By  gracious,  if  I  wouldn't  rather  break  a  yoke  of  steers  anj 
day,  than  try  to  make  up  a  quarrel  between  two  wimmin  when 
they  once  get  their  dander  up ;  and  of  all  horned  cattle  Judy 
White  did  take  the  rag  off  the  bush  when  she  once  got  agoing. 

"  Git  out  of  my  way,  yeu  mean,  snaeking  critter  you,"  sez  she, 
hitting  me  a  slap  over  the  chops  that  made  my  teeth  rattle ;  "  I 
•won't  make  up,  nor  touch  tu ;  I  only  feel  sorry  that  I  ever  de 
meaned  myself  to  set  up  with  you ;  I'll  leave  the  house  this 
minnit." 

Out  of  the  room  she  went  like  a  she-hurricane,  and  after  she 
had  picked  up  her  duds  she  made  tracks  for  home,  without  as 
much  as  bidding  one  of  us  good  by. 

It's  curios  how  men  will  git  used  to  eenamost  any  thing;  now  I 
don't  purtend  to  say  that  I  hadn't  a  kind  of  a  sneaking  notion  after 
Judy  White,  but  somehow  when  I  seen  the  tears  come  into  the 
old  woman's  eyes,  dimming  her  old  steel-bowed  spectacles,  the 
water  always  would  start  into  my  own  eyes,  spite  of  all  I  could  do 
to  keep  it  out ;  so  it  wasn't  to  be  expected  that  I  should  not  feel 
disagreeable  when  the  two  got  their  dander  up,  and  went  into 
such  a  tantrum  with  each  other.  But  there  sot  the  old  man  a 
chonking  an  apple,  and  kinder  larfin  inside  of  him  all  the  time, 
jest  as  he'd  a  lo&ked  on  to  see  two  cats  scratch  and  spit  at  one 
another.  I  axed  him  how  he  could  du  so,  and  lie  tossed  the 
apple  core  out  of  the  winder,  and  puckered  up  his  mouth  and 
said,  ".I  hadn't  got  used  to  the  wimmen  folks  yit;  the  best  way 
•with  them  kind  o'  things  was  to  let  'em  alone." 

Now  it  wouldn't  a  been  much  of  a  chore  to  have  gone  over 
to  old  Mr.  White's  two  or  three  times  a  week,  and  if  Judy  had 
done  the  clean  thing  toward  the  old  woman,  I  don't  know  but  I 
should  a  gone  to  see  her  over  there,  but  somehow  a  gal  kicks 
over  the  milk  pail  when  she  lets  her  ebenezer  git  up  before  a 
feller,  jest  as  he's  beginning  to  hanker  arter  her.  I  couldn't 
make  up  my  mind  to  tackle  in  witli  a  critter  that  had  shown 
such  an  allfired  spiteful  temper,  so  the  next  Sunday  night  I  let 
Ler  go  home  from  singing  school  alone.  I  saw  her  look  back 
kXider  anxious  two  or  three  times,  and  jest  for  the  minit  my 
heart  riz  up  in  my  throat  tiU  it  eenamost  choked  me.  But  I  kept 
a  stiff  upper  lip,  and  went  on  without  seeming  to  mind  her; 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  43 

and  then  she  tossed  up  her  head  and  begun  to  sing,  as  if  she 
•wanted  to  show  me  that  she  didn't  care  a  cent  for  all. I  could 
do. 

I  felt  awful  bad  for  a  day  or  two,  but  a  feller  must  be  a  sap- 
head  if  he  can't  make  up  his  mind  to  give  a  gal  the  mitten  when 
he  thinks  she  desarves  it.  Now  if  Judy  had  had  the  small-pox, 
and  had  been  pitted  all  over  like  a  honey  comb,  I'd  a  stood  by 
her  to  the  last  minnit ;  but  somehow  I  couldn't  git  over  the 
awful  basting  she  gave  inarm.  I  do  like  to  see  old  folks 
treated  well,  let  'em  do  what  they  will,  and  a  gal  can't  be  fit  to 
bring  up  a  family  if  she  doesn't  know  how  to  keep  her  own 
temper.  Besides,  she  hasn't  much  true  ginuine  love  for  a  chap, 
when  she  won't  try  to  put  up  with  the  faults  of  his  relations  for 
his  sake. 

"Wai,  the  long  and  the  short  of  it  was,  I  gin  Judy  White 
the  sack  right  off  the  reel,  without  stopping  to  chew  the  matter 
a  til. 

Wall,  arter  this,  working  alone  grew  awful  tedious,  and  I  begun 
to  hanker  to  see  the  world.  So  as  father  was  loading  up  a  sloop  to 
send  down  to  New  York,  I  came  a  little  of  Samuel's  soft  sodder 
over  the  old  man,  and  told  him  how  much  better  I  could 
sell  off  the  onions  and  red  cabbages,  than  eenamost  any  body  else ; 
and  at  last  he  said  I  might  come  down  as  a  kinder  supercargo. 
So  he  filled  up  the  hold  with  potaters,  real  blue  noses,  I  can  tell 
you,  and  piled  up  a  whole  crop  of  garden  sarce  on  the  deck,  and 
we  sot  sail  down  the  river. 

Now,  I'd  made  up  my  mind  to  stay  in  the  city  when  I  once 
got  clear  of  the  hutnstead,  but  you  may  guess  I  didn't  let  out  a 
word  to  the  old  folks,  for  it  al'es  hurts  my  feelings  to  see  marm 
take  on,  and  I  didn't  like  to  make  the  old  man  rip  out  too  much, 
for  he  was  a  deacon  of  the  Presbyterian  Church.  We  was  three 
days  a  coming  down  the  river,  and  it  made  me  awful  wrathy  to 
see  that  lazy  old  critter,  "  the  Cleopatra,"  go  by  us  on  her  way 
to  the  city  and  back  agin  before  we  got  into  the  East  river.  We 
give  her  two  cheers  each  time,  but  neither  on  'em  come  from 
below  the  palate,  I  can  tell  you.  We  got  into  Peck  slip  at 
last  safe  and  sound,  and  if  I  didn't  jump  on  to  the  wharf  as 


44  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

spry  as  a  cricket,  then  there's  no  snakes  on  the  green  mountain 
that's  all. 

I  am  your  humble  servant  to  command, 

JONATHAN  SLICE. 


LETTER  VL 

Jonathan's  Opinions  of  Ministerial  Interference — A  Card  of  Invita 
tion,  and  an  Evening  Party  at  Cousin  Beebe's,  in  which  Jonathan 
makes  some  Mistakes  and  a  Lady  Acquaintance. 

DEAR  PAR : 

I  have  just  received  your  letter,  and  so  I  sot  right  down  to 
answer  it ;  for  what  you  writ  about  my  treating  Captin  Doolittle, 
and  using  sich  bad  language,  made  me  feel  bad  enough.  I  don't 
know  the  reason  on  it,  but  when  a  feller's  away  from  hum,  it 
makes  him  feel  awful  oneasy  to  think  that  he's  done  anything  to 
hurt  his  par  or  mar's  feelings. 

Now,  about  that  Captin  Doolittle  business,  I  don't  think  arter 
all,  I  was  much  to  blame.  "What  I  writ  about  him  hurt  the  crit 
ter's  feelings  a  good  deal,  and  I  didn't  know  of  any  way  to  make 
up  but  to  treat,  and  so  I  did  give  him  a  drink  of  New  England 
and  a  long  nine  or  so,  but  I  didn't  drink  any  myself,  not  a  single 
horn,  and  it  warn't  more  'an  half  fair  for  the  minister  to  begin 
at  you  about  it  arter  meeting  last  Sunday,  and  to  tell  you  that 
you  hadn't  brought  me  up  in  the  virtue  and  admonition  of  the 
Lord,  and  to  say  that  "  you  be  darned"  and  "  darnation,"  is  jest 
as  bad  as  cussing  and  swearing  right  out.  For  him  to  take  it  on 
himself  to  twit  you,  and  say  that,  "  jest  as  the  twig  is  bent  the 
tree's  inclined,"  is  consarned  mean,  and  I  wouldn't  bear  it  nor  a 
touch  tu  if  I  was  you.  He  knows  as  well  as  can  be,  that  if  I 
warn't  bent  right  it  wasn't  no  fault  of  your'n,  for  I'm  sartin  it 
wouldn't  a  been  in  the  natnr  of  things  to  have  twisted  me  any 
other  way  than  head  for'erd,  if  you  calculated  on  my  weeding 
the  onions  as  they  ought  to  be. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  45 

Now,  the  truth  on  it  is,  I  begin  to  think  that  your  ministers 
there  in  Connecticut  pull  the  bit  on  the  church  members  a  leetle 
too  tight  sometimes,  and  instid  of  giving  you  good  holesome  doc 
trine,  right  pure  out  of  the  Bi' }le,  and  taking  the  potaters  and 
apples  and  wood  and  chickens  and  turkies  that  the  deacons  and 
old  maids  send  to  them  as  part  pay,  they  sometimes  contrive  to 
make  their  being  ministers  an  excuse  for  poking  their  fingers  into 
every  body's  pie  as  well  as  their  own. 

I  am  afeard  you  won't  like  to  hear  me  say  so ;  but  it  does  make 
me  awful  wrothy  to  hear  that  the  minister  threatened  to  turn 
you  out  of  the  church  if  you  let  me  go  on  so — but  you  needn't 
be  a  bit  consarned  about  that.  He'd  no  more  turn  you  out  of 
the  meeting  than  he'd  strike  his  own  granny,  not  as  long  as  you 
own  the  best  farm  in  all  Weathersfield,  and  send  him  a  fat  tur 
key  every  thanksgiving  day,  besides  paying  pew  tax  and  all  the 
other  taxes,  as  you  du.  I  don't  know  what  he  might  du  if  you 
was  to  fail  and  bust  up  ;  for  as  soon  as  a  man  begins  to  get  poor, 
the  ministers  grow  awful  particlar  about  his  morality  and  reli 
gion  ;  but  there's  no  fear  of  that ;  so  jest  tell  him  the  next  time 
he  threatens  to  church  you  for  what  I'm  a  doing  down  here  in 
York,  that  you'll  serve  him  as  the  parliament  in  England  used  to 
fix  their  King  when  he  begun  to  grow  obstropulous,  and  as  they 
would  sarve  that  little  skittish  Queen  of  theirn  if  she  wanted  to 
have  a  way  of  her  own.  Tell  him  you'll  "  stop  his  supplies." 
Don't  send  him  a  turkey  next  thanksgiving,  and  tell  marm  not 
to  carry  a  single  doughnut  nor  a  skein  of  tow  yarn  to  the  next 
spinning-bee  that  his  church  members  make  for  him.  I  ruther 
guess  that  this  will  bring  him  to  his  senses.  As  for  me,  tell  him 
to  go  to  grass  and  eat  bog  hay  till's  he  as  fat  as  Nebuchadnezzar. 
I  aint  one  of  his  church  members  any  how,  and  if  I  was,  I 
shouldn't  ask  him  to  take  care  of  me.  I  know  what  I'm  about, 
and  he  needn't  be  scared  on  my  account.  I  know  as  well  as  he 
does  that  York  has  a  tarnal  sight  of  bad  people  in  it ;  and  I 
know,  too,  that  there's  a  good  many  rale  down  right  honest,  hull- 
hearted  fellers  here,  tu.  As  for  the  wimmen,  though  they  are 
dreadfully  stuck  up,  and  eenamost  ruin  their  husbands  with  dress 
ing  fine  and  giving  parties,  there's  some  of  them  that  aint  to  be 
sneezed  at  in  a  fog,  I  can  tell  you.  I  don't  want  to  say  any 


46  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

thing  to  hurt  the  minister's  feelings,  but  he  needn't  cnm  his 
church  threats  over  me,  for  it  won't  du  no  good,  I'll  bo  darned 
if  it  will. 

Wai,  now  that  I've  gin  the  minister  a  piece  of  my  mind,  free 
gratis  for  nothing,  I  may  as  well  write  what's  been  *  going  on 
down  here  in  York. 

One  morning  a  little  black  boy  cum  into  my  office  with  a  heap 
of  letters,  and  he  give  me  one  without  speaking  a  word,  and 
went  off  agin.  I  opened  the  letter,  and  there  dropped  out  a 
square  piece  of  white  pasteboard,  and  on  it  was  printed,  in  leetla 
finefied  letters,  "  Mrs.  Beebe  at  home — Thursday  evening." 

Wai,  sez  I  to  myself,  if  this  don't  take  the  rag  off  the  bush — 
cousin  Mary's  got  to  gadding  about  so  much,  that  she  has  to 
send  round  word  when  she  is  a  going  to  stay  at  hum  one  even 
ing.  I  do  wonder  how  Mr.  Beebe  can  stand  it.  I  shouldn't 
blame  him  if  he  took  to  drink,  or  got  into  bad  company,  if  his 
wife  goes  on  so  ;  for  if  a  woman  won't  stay  to  hum  nights,  and 
keep  every  thing  nice  and  snug  agin  her  husband  comes  away 
from  his  bisness,  a  feller  must  have  an  allfired  good  heart,  and  4 
good  head  tu,  if  he  don't  go  off  and  git  into  scrapes  on  his  own, 
hook. 

I  sot  down  and  histed  my  feet  on  the  top  of  the  stove,  and 
begun  to  think  it  all  over,  till  it  seemed  to  be  my  duty  to  go  and 
talk  to  cousin  Mary  about  the  way  she  was  a  going  on.  I  re 
membered  what  a  purty,  smart  little  critter  she  used  to  be  when 
she  lived  in  Connecticut,  and  how  kind  hearted  she  was ;  and 
then  I  thought  of  her  queer  stuck  up  ways  since  I'd  seen  her 
here  ;  and  it  was  as  much  as  I  could  du  to  keep  the  tears  out  of 
my  eyes,  for  if  cousin  Mary  had  been  my  own  sister,  I  couldn't 
a  liked  her  better  than  I  did  when  she  was  a  gal. 

Wai,  arter  thinking  it  all  over,  I  made  up  my  mind  to  go  and 
ask  John  if  he  didn't  think  it  best  for  me  to  go  and  talk  to  her. 
for  I  felt  kinder  loth  to  meddle  with  his  business,  if  lie  didn't 
want  me  tu  ;  and  anyhow,  I  didn't  expect  much  thanks  for  giv 
ing  her  advice — for  when  a  feller  steps  in  between  man  and  wife, 
It's  like  trying  to  part  a  cat  and  a  dog,  and  he  is  lucky  enough 
if  he  don't  git  scratched  by  one  and  worried  to  death  by  t'other  ; 
but  I  looked  at  the  piece  of  paste-board  agin,  and  made  up  my 


BT    JONATHAN    SLICK.  47 

mind  that  something  ought  to  be  done,  and  if  John  didn't  take 
it  up,  I  would ;  for  if  there's  any  thing  I  du  hate  on  arth,  it's  a 
gadding  woman — and  I  didn't  feel  as  if  I  could  give  cousin  Mary 
up  quite  yit. 

Wai,  I  took  my  hat,  and  put  my  hands  in  my  trousers'  pockets, 
and  walked  along  kinder  slow  through  Cherry  street,  till  I  cum 
to  Franklin  Square.  I  did'nt  seem  to  mind  any  body,  for  my 
heart  felt  sort  a  heavy  with  thinking  of  old  times.  I  kept  a 
looking  down  on  the  stun  walk,  and  felt  eenamost  as  much  aloue 
as  if  I'd  been  in  a  Connecticut  crarnberry  swamp ;  yit  there  was 
more  than  fifty  people  a  walking  up  and  down  the  Square.  I'd 
got  jest  agin  the  old  Walton  House,  that  was  built  afore  the 
revolutionary  war,  but  was  so  busy  a  thinking,  that  I  forgot  to 
look  up  at  the  arms  and  figgers  carved  out  over  the  door,  every 
one  of  'em  put  up  there  by  a  British  tory  family  afore  Gineral 
Washington  drove  them  out  of  house  and  hum — when  all  to  jnce 
somebody  hit  me  a  slap  on  my  shoulder  that  made  me  jump 
eenamost  into  the  middle  of  next  week.  I  looked  up,  and  there 
was  cousin  Beebe  a  larfin  like  all  natur  because  he'd  made  me 
jump  so. 

"Hello,  cousin  Jonathan  I'  sez  he,  "what  the  deuce  are  you 
thinking  about  ?" 

"  About  that,"  says  I,  a  forking  out  the  piece  of  pasteboard 
from  my  trousers'  pocket,  "a  little  stuck  up  nigger  jest  gin  me 
that  ere." 

"Wai,  what  of  it?"  says  cousin  John,  "it's  all  right  I  see,  I 
suppose  you'll  come  of  course?" 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  I  was  a  jest  a  going  down  to  see  you  about  it, 
and  if  you'd  jest  as  livs  I'll  go  right  straight  up  and  talk  to  her 
now ;  I  feel  as  if  I  could  say  enough  to  break  her  heart,  if  it  has 
got  ever  so  tough." 

With  that  Cousin  Beebe  bust  right  out  a  larfin.  "That's 
right,"  says  he,  "you're  coming  on  bravely,  don't  talk  about  one 
heart,  I  havn't  the  least  doubt  but  you'll  break  a  dozea — you 
literary  chaps  carry  all  before  you  in  that  way." 

I  felt  kinder  unsartin  how  to  take  his  meaning,  for  it  seemed 
as  if  he  was  a  poking  fun  at  me,  for  wanting  to  give  his  wifa 
some  good  advice ;  at  last  I  spoke  up,  and  sez  I — 


48  HIGH    LIFE    IK    NEW    YORK. 

"  If  cousin  Mary  has  got  one  good  sound  heart  left  to  break, 
since  she  came  here  to  York,  she's  a  good  deal  better  off  than  I 
took  her  to  be." 

With  that  John  begun  to  stare,  and  at  last  he  bust  out  a  larfin 
again. 

"Why,"  sez  he,  "you  haiut  no  idee  of  getting  up  a  flirtation 
with  Mary,  have  you  ?  upon  my  word,  cousin  Slick,  you  are  a 
shaking  off  all  your  steady  habits  in  a  hurry.  It  generally  takes 
a  feller,  though,  some  months'  training,  in  fashionable  society, 
before  he  can  bring  himself  to  make  lovo  to  another  man's 
wife." 

"  Now,"  sez  I,  "  cousin  Beebe,  what  on  arth  do  you  mean  ?  as 
irue  as  I  live  I  shall  git  wrathy  if  you  keep  on  in  this  way.  Aint 
my  father  a  deacon  of  the  church?  Aint  I  sot  under  Minister 
Smith's  preaching  since  I  was  knee  high  to  a  toad?  It's  an 
allfired  shame  for  you  to  talk  to  me  as  if  I  was  a  going  to  demean 
myself  by  making  love  to  anybody,  much  less  to  another  man's 
wife.  When  I  du  make  love,  sir,  I  can  tell  you  what,  it  will  be 
with  a  hull  heart  and  an  honest  one  tu ;  I'll  never  be  afeard  to 
look  a  girl  in  the  face  when  I  ask  her  to  take  me,  or  to  let  her 
look  in  mine  for  fear  she'll  see  villain  writ  out  in  my  eyes.  As 
for  your  married  women,  they  needn't  be  nfeared  that  anybody, 
I  don't  care  how  imperdent  he  is,  will  make  love  to  them,  with 
out  they  begin  first.  Now,  Cousin  Beebe,  seeing  as  we've  gono 
so  far,  jest  look  a  here,  see  what  your  wife  has  sent  to  me !" 

With  that  I  give  him  the  paper  which  the  pasteboard  was  done 
tip  in,  where  Cousin  Mary  had  writ,  "Mrs.  Beebe  hopes  Mr. 
Slick  will  not  fail  to  come." 

Cousin  John  read  it,  and  sez  he,  "Wai,  what  harm  is  there  in 
this?  I'm  sure  it  was  very  thoughtful  of  Mary,  and  I'm  glad  she 
did  it.  You  will  go  of  course ;  there  will  be  a  good  deal  of  com 
pany,  and  they  are  all  anxious  to  see  you  since  yoar  letters  come 
out  in  the  Express." 

"What,"  sez  I,  "  is  Miss  Beebe  a  going  to  have  a  party — why 
didn't  she  say  so  then?" 

"  Oh  it's  only  a  swarry,  she  often  has  them,"  says  ne. 

"  A  what?"  sez  I. 

uA.iwarry — a  oonversatumanny"  sez  he.    I  couldn't  think 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  IS 

what  he  meant,  but  I  remembered  that  jest  afore  Mary  was 
married  she  used  to  have  hysteric  fits,  now  and  then,  and  I 
thought  they  give  them  things  some  other  name  down  here  in 
York. 

"  Dear  me,"  sez  I,  "  I'm  sorry,  but  if  I  can  do  any  good  I'll 
come  up,  I  s'pose  you'll  have  a  doctor." 

"  Oh  yes,"  sez  he,  "  there'll  be  two  or  three,  besides  lots  of 
lawyers,  and  poets,  and  editors." 

"  You  don't  say  so,"  sez  I,  "  why  what  will  you  du  with  them 
all  ?" 

"Oh  Mary  will  take  care  of  them,"  sez  he,  "she  does  those 
things  very  well,  indeed,  considering  she  was  brought  up  in  the 
country." 

"  But  I  thought  you  wanted  us  to  take  care  of  her,"  sez  I. 

"  Why,  of  course  you  will  all  make  yourselves  as  agreeable  as 
you  can ;  there  will  be  lots  of  harnsome  wimmen  there,  and  I 
haint  the  least  doubt  we  shall  have  a  pleasant  party." 

"A  party!"  sez  I,  "is  Miss  Beebe  a  going  to  have  a  party  ?" 

"  Certainly,"  sez  he,  a  looking  puzzled ;  "  didn't  you  under 
stand  that  by  the  card  and  the  note  ?  "  I  felt  my  heart  rise  up 
in  my  mouth,  and  I  could  have  begun  to  dance  on  the  stun  walk. 
I  do  believe  nothing  on  arth  makes  a  feller  feel  so  happy  as  to 
find  out  that  somebody  he  can't  help  but  like,  but  has  been  a 
thinking  hard  things  about,  don't  desarve  them.  Cousin  John 
kept  a  looking  at  me,  and  I  begun  to  feel  awful  streaked,  for  it 
Deemed  to  me  as  if  he  suspected  all  that  I'd  been  a  thinking  agin 
his  wife.  Arter  a  minit,  I  up  and  took  my  hand  out  of  my 
pocket,  and  I  took  hold  of  his'n,  and,  sez  I — 

"Cousin  John,  I've  been  making  a  darned  fool  of  myself;  I 
didn't  know  what  this  ere  piece  of  pasteboard  meant,  and  I " — 

"  Fever  mind,  Cousin  Jonathan,"  sez  he,  all  of  a  sudden  shak 
ing  my  hand,  "  you  know  what  it  means  now — so  come  up  on 
Thursday.  Now  I  think  of  it — you  had  better  git  a  new  suit  of 
clothes ;  that  blue  coat  and  those  shiny  brass  buttons  did  very 
well  for  "Weathersfield ;  but  here  something  a  little  more  stylish 
will  be  better — supposing  you  go  over  to  the  Broadway  tailors 
and  let  them  fit  you  out." 

"  Not  as  you  know  on,"  sez  I,  a  taking  hold  of  the  edge  of 
4 


50  HICU    L1FK    IN    KKW    VOKK. 

my  ooat,  and  a  dnstin  off  the  buttons  with  tnv  red  silk  pocket 
Landkercher.  "The  picter  that  they  printed  of  me  in  the  Ex 
press  newspaper  was  taken  in  these  clothes ;  and  if  you'd  Jest  as 
livs,  I'll  keep  'em  on." 

Cousin  John  warn't  to  be  put  off  so,  and  at  last  he  cum  his 
soft  sodder  over  me,  till  I  agreed  to  get  another  suit  of  clothes, 
New  York  cut,  for  parties  and  meetings.  So  we  shook  hands, 
and  he  turned  and  went  back  to  his  store  agin,  for  he  was  a 
coming  up  to  my  office ;  and  I  jest  turned  into  a  narrer  street, 
and  took  a  short  cut  across  to  the  Express  Office.  The  Editors 
give  me  some  money,  for  they  aint  no  ways  mean  about  paying 
me  for  what  I  write  for  their  paper ;  and  they  put  on  the  soft 
sodder  purty  strong  about  my  letters.  They  said  that  everybody 
was  a  reading  them  and  a  trying  to  find  out  something  about  me, 
and  that  lots  of  young  ladies  had  seen  my  picter  aud  were  a  dy 
ing  to  git  acquainted  with  me.  I  warn't  much  surprised  at  it. 
Artor  putting  the  poetry  into  my  letters  so  strong,  I  was  sartin 
that  all  the  gals  would  be  a  talking  about  me.  Nothing  takes 
with  them  like  poetry.  I  had  my  eye  teeth  cut  when  I  wrote 
that,  I  can  tell  you.  I  couldn't  help  but  feel  tickled  to  hear  them 
praising  me  so;  but  somehow  one  gits  used  to  being  puffed  up, 
and  arter  a  little  while  a  feller  don't  seem  to  care  so  much 
about  it.  • 

Wai,  I  pocketed  the  casb.  and  went  to  the  tailors'  store ;  it  was 
a  plaguy  harusome  place,  and  there  were  two  or  three  spruce- 
looking  chaps  standing  about;  but  they  looked  at  me  kinder 
slanting,  as  if  they  thought  I  didn't  want  to  buy  anything ;  and 
I  could  see  one  on  them  looking  arnestly  at  my  coat,  as  if  he 
didn't  like  the  fit  on't.  I  declare  I  begun  to  get  ashamed  of  the 
old  blue,  when  I  cum  to  see  the  harnsome  coats  and  vests  and 
trousers  hanging  around. 

"  Have  you  got  any  first  rate  superfine  broadcloth  coats  and 
trousers  to  sell  here?"  sez  I,  a  chinking  the  loose  change  in  rny 
trousers'  pocket  a  leetle,  jest  to  show  them  that  I  was  as  good  aa 
the  city  banks,  and  held  out  specie  payments  yit. 

''  Yes,"  sez  one  of  the  clerks,  a  bowing.  "  What  color  do  you 
wish  to  look  at?" 

kl  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  ruther  think  I'll  take  that  color  that  looks  :» 


B¥    JONATHAN    SLICK.  51 

much  like  burnt  coffee,  or  else  a  rale  indigo  blue,  I  aint  particular, 
only  I  want  it  in  the  tip  of  the  fashion — a  rale  harnsome  fit,  and 
all  that,  for  I'm  a  going  to  a  swarry  and  a  conversationanny,  and 
J  want  to  shine  like  a  new  pin." 

While  I  waa  a  talking,  a  knowing  sort  of  a  feller  cum  out  of  the 
back  room,  and  when  he  see  me  a  looking  at  a  coat  that  I  seemed 
to  take  a  notion  tu  he  cum  up  and  begun  to  talk  about  it — he 
pinted  out  the  silk  lining  and  the  way  it  was  stuffed  and  quilted 
under  the  arms,  and  would  have  me  try  it  on.  So  I  stripped  off 
the  old  coat  and  put  the  new  one  on.  I  can  tell  you  it  sot  as 
slick  as  grease ;  there  warn't  a  wrinkle  or  a  pucker  in  it,  from  the 
top  of  the  velvet  collar  to  the  eend  of  the  flap.  I  looked  as  trim 
and  as  genteel  as  could  be  in  it — when- it  was  buttoned  over  tight 
it  seemed  to  me  that  I  warn't  bigger  round  than  a  quart  cup. 

Sez  the  gentleman,  sez  he,  "  that's  a  capital  fit,  sir,  you  won't 
lu  better  than  to  take  it." 

"Wai,"  sez  I,  "I  don't  know  as  I  shall,  I  kinder  seem  to  like 
:nyself  in  it — how  much  do  you  ask,  hey  ?" 

"Why,"  sez  he,  "that's  a  fust  rate  coat,  superfine  cloth  and 
beautiful  trimmings ;  but  the  times  are  hard,  and  I'll  let  you  have 
it  low  for  cash ;"  and  then  he  sot  his  price ;  "  but,"  sez  he,  "  you 
'mustn't  tell  how  cheap  you  got  it,  for  I  couldn't  sell  any  more  at 
that  price." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  ruther  guess  I'll  take  it ;  now  let  us  look  at 
some  of  your  vests  and  trousers.  I  shall  have  to  beat  you  down 
a  leetle  on  them,  for  I'm  raly  afeard  my  money  won't  hold  out." 
"  Not  much  fear  of  that,"  sez  he,  and  he  opened  a  drawer  and 
took  out  an  allfired  heap  of  trousers.  Arter  I'd  tumbled  'em  over 
awhile,  I  picked  out  a  pair  of  rale  harnsome  checkered  ones,  and 
then  I  bought  a  black  vest  with  yaller  stripes  all  over  it,  and  be 
tween  us,  I  ruther  guess  it  made  a  considerable  hole  in  the  money 
that  I  got  from  the  editors  of  the  Express,  to  pay  for  'em  all 
The  man  had  done  'em  up,  and  I  was  jest  a  going  to  take  them 
hum  under  my  arm,  but  sez  he — 

"  Where  will  you  have  them  sent,  sir  ?" 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  arter  thinking  a  minit,  "  you  may  direct  them  to  , 
Mr.  Jonathan  Slick,  and  send  them  round  to  the  Express  office, 
if  you've  no  objection." 


62  HIGH  LIFE  IN  NEW  YORK. 

I  wish  you  could  a  seen  the  feller !  he  seemed  to  he  all  struck 
tip  into  a  heap  when  I  said  this,  and  the  clarks  looked  at  each 
other,  and  cum  toward  us  as  if  they  had  never  seen  anybody  that 
wrote  for  newspapers  afore. 

"  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  the  head  man,  making  a  how  eenamost  to  the 
ground,  "  I'm  much  obliged  for  your  custom,  and  I  hope  you'll 
cum  agin.  If  you  find  the  clothes  suit  you,  perhaps  you'll  send 
any  of  your  friends  to  our  establishment,  who  happen  to  want 
any  thing  in  our  line.  We  shall  always  be  happy  and  proud  to 
sarve  Mr.  Slick  or  any  of  his  friends." 

Here  he  made  another  bow,  and  I  stepped  back,  and  bent  for- 
'ard  a  trifle,  jest  to  let  him  see  that  his  soft  sodder  warn't  put  on 
at  all  coarse ;  and,  sez  I,  "  Wai,  I'll  try  the  clothes,  and  if  they 
turn  out  fust-rate,  mebby  I'll  mention  where  I  got  them  in  one 
of  my  letters.  There  is  a  good  many  chaps  jest  a  going  to  be 
married  about  Weathersfield,  and  it  won't  do  them  no  harm  to 
know  where  to  come  for  the  wedding  clothes." 

With  that  the  tailor  bowed  agin,  and,  sez  he,  "  Mr.  Slick,  where 
shall  I  have  the  honor  of  sending  you  one  of  my  fust-rate  vests, 
or  a  pair  of  harnsomo  pantaloons  ?  I'll  take  your  measure,  and 
Lave  them  made  on  purpose  for  you." 

"  Wai,  now,  I  don't  know  as  I  can  afford  to  buy  any  more  jest 
yit,"  sez  I;  "but  when  these  are  wore  out,  I  think  as  likely  as 
not  I  shall  cum  agin." 

"  Oh,"  sez  he,  a  rubbing  his  hands  a  little,  and  a  smiling  and 
towing  agin,  "let  us  take  your  measure,  and  we  shan't  quarrel 
about  the  pay,  we  shall  be  most  proud  to  supply  you  with  a  good 

article ;  and  if  you  will  accept  of  them,  the  honor" 

"Oh,"  sez  I,  a  bowing,  "you  are  very  obliging,  I'm  sure, 

Mr. ." 

"  Where  shall  we  send  them  when  they  are  done  ?"  says  he. 
"  Direct  them  as  you  did  the  others,  to  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick,  to 
the  care  of  the  Editors  of  the  Express.    And  look  a  here, 

Mr. ,  I  wish  you'd  try  and  make  the  trousers  so  they  will 

stay  down,  and  not  keep  a  hitching  up  to  the  top  of  my  boots,  if 
"  yon  can." 

"  Depend  on  it  they  will  please  you,"  sez  he,  a  follering  me  to 
the  door,  "  Good  morning,  Mr.  Slick,  I'm  very  much  obliged  to 


BT   JONATHAN   SLICK.  63 

you  for  calling ;"  and  with  that  he  made  another  how,  and  I  give 
him  one  back  again,  and  made  tracks  for  Cherry  street,  as  tickled 
as  could  he. 

Wai,  when  Thursday  cum,  I  begun  to  feel  mighty  anxious  about 
the  party  ;  I  had  all  the  clothes  sent  down  to  my  office,  besides 
a  prime  hat,  which  I  got,  and  a  pair  of  real  dandy  boots  that  sot 
to  my  foot  like  wax. 

As  soon  as  it  was  dark  I  shut  myself  up  and  begun  to  fix.  I 
declare  I  never  did  see  anything  fit  as  them  checkered  trousers 
did ;  they  sot  to  my  legs  like  the  tin  moles  to  a  pair  of  tallow 
candles  in  freezing  time,  and  I  felt  as  if  I'd  been  jest  corked  up 
in  a  junk  bottle,  foot  foremost.  Arter  I  got  them  on,  and  all 
buttoned  up  tight,  I  begun  to  think  that  I  should  have  to  go  to 
the  party  in  the  blue  mixed  socks  that  marm  knit  for  me,  the 
last  thing  afore  I  cum  away  from  hum ;  for  my  feet  had  got  hung 
in  a  slip  of  leather,  that  was  sowed  across  the  bottom  of  the 
trousers'  legs,  and  how  to  get  'em  out,  so  as  to  put  on  my  boots, 
I  couldn't  tell.  I  pulled  and  kicked  till  I  eenamost  bust  off  my 
gallows'  buttons  but  they  wouldn't  give  a  morsel,  and  at  last  I 
jest  took  hold  on  the  leathers,  and  I  give  them  an  allfired  jerk 
till  they  slipped  over  my  heel,  and  arter  that  I  made  out  to  roll 
up  the  trouser's  legs  till  I  could  pull  my  boots  on.  "When  I  pulled 
them  down  again  the  leathers  stuck  out  from  the  heel  of  my  boot 
behind,  as  if  I  had  got  spurs  on ;  I  didn't  exactly  like  the  feel  ol 
it,  but  "  "Who  cares,"  sez  I  to  myself,  "  a  feller  may  as  well  be  out 
of  the  world  as  out  of  the  fashion,  especially  down  here  in  York." 

As  soon  as  I'd  got  my  trousers  purty  well  braced  up  I  put  on 
the  vest,  and  it  sot  like  a  button,  for  there  wur  holes  behind  and 
strings  that  laced  up  like  a  gal's  corsets,  and  I  girted  up  purty 
tight  I  can  tell  you.  I  snuggers,  them  yaller  sprigs  did  glisten, 
and  arter  I'd  put  on  the  new  stock  that  I  bought  along  with  the 
clothes,  I  ruther  guess  I  cut  a  dash.  It  was  all  bowed  off  and 
curlacued  over,  with  red  and  yaller  sprigs,  and  it  made  my  neck 
look  as  slim  and  shiney  as  our  big  red  rooster's  used  to  when  he 
stretched  his  head  out  in  the  sun  to  see  how  many  old  hens  and 
spring  pullets  he'd  got  about  him. 

I  swanny,  if  I  hadn't  been  in  such  a  hurry  to  git  on  my  new 
things  that  I  forgot  to  wash  my  hands  and  face  till  jest  as  I  was 


54  HIGH   LIFE   IK   NEW   YORK. 

a  putting  on  my  coat  I  I  peeked  in  the  little  looking-glass  that 
I've  got  hung  up  in  my  office,  and  my  hair  was  standing  out  every 
which  way ;  and  somehow  my  teeth  looked  as  yaller  as  if  I'd 
been  chawin  tobaccy  a  hull  week.  What  to  du  I  couldn't  tell, 
but  I  picked  up  the  Express,  and  looked  into  the  advertisements 
to  see  if  I  could  find  out  anything  to  make  my  grinders  white — 
there  warn't  nothing  there  ;  but  I  happened  to  think  that  I'd 
seen  Doctor  Sherman's  tooth-paste  puffed  in  some  of  the  papers  : 
and  though  I  don't  mean  to  patronize  anybody  that  don't  adver 
tise  in  our  paper,  I  thought,  seeing  as  I  was  in  a  hurry,  per'aps 
it  would  be  as  well  to  go  out  and  get  some  of  it.  I  slipped  on 
my  old  coat,  and  down  I  went  into  Nassau  street,  eenamost  to  the 
corner  of  Fulton  street,  and  I  bought  a  little  cheny  box  full  of 
red  stuff,  about  as  thick  as  hasty  pudding,  and  as  sweet  as  honey, 
and  back  I  went  again  to  the  office  like  a  streak  of  lightning. 

I  didn't  know  how  to  use  the  stuff,  but  think  siz  I,  they  must 
rub  it  on  their  teeth  somehow,  so  I  spread  some  on  the  corner  of 
my  towel,  and  began  to  polish  away  like  all  natur.  It  warn't 
two  minits  afore  my  teeth  was  as  white  as  a  nigger's;  so  I  jest 
washed  them  off  in  the  hand  basin,  and  went  at  my  hair,  tooth 
and  nail. 

How  on  arth  these  York  chaps  make  their  hair  curl  so,  I  can't 
guess — I  tried  to  coax  mine  to  twist  up  a  little,  on  each  side  of 
my  face,  but  it  warn't  of  no  use.  I  combed  it  out  with  a  fine 
tooth  comb,  and  I  put  some  hog's  lard  scented  with  some  of  the 
essence  of  peppermint  that  marm  give  me  to  use  if  I  should  git 
the  stomach  ache  down  here,  and  I  twisted  it  round  ray  fingers, 
but  it  wouldn't  stay  curled  a  minit ;  so  at  last  I  gave  it  up  for  a 
bad  job,  and  put  on  my  new  coat  as  mad  as  could  be. 

I  ruther  guess  you  couldn't  have  found  a  better  looking  chap 
of  my  size  anywhere  about,  than  I  was,  when  I  put  on  my  yaller 
gloves,  and  fixed  my  new  red  silk  hankercher  in  my  coat  pocket, 
BO  as  to  let  one  eend  hang  out  a  leetle,  arter  I'd  put  a  few  of  the 
peppermint  drops  on  it — and  the  way  I  pulled  foot  up  Pearl  street 
and  toward  Broadway,  wasn't  slow  I  can  tell  you.  It  takes  a 
feller  forever  to  fix  here  in  York — I'd  ruther  slick  up  for  twenty 
qniltings  and  apple-bees,  than  for  one  swarry,  I  can  tell  you.  I 
was  a'most  skared  to  death,  for  fear  I  should  be  too  late,  for  it 


J5Y   JONATHAN    SUCK.  55 

was  eenajest  dark  afore  I  left  the  office,  K>  I  didn't  let  the  grass 
grow  under  my  feet  on  the  way  to  cousin  Beebe's,  you  may  be 
sartin. 

"When  I  got  to  cousin  Beebe's  door,  I  pulled  the  silver  knob 
kinder  softly,  for  I  felt  a  sort  of  palpitation  of  the  heart  at  going 
into  a  room  chuck  full  of  quality  ;  and  I  jest  pulled  up  my  dickey 
a  little,  and  felt  to  see  if  my  hankercher  hung  out  of  my  pocket 
about  right,  afore  the  nigger  opened  the  door.  At  last  he  made 
out  to  cum,  and  when  I  asked  if  all  the  folks  was  tu  hum,  he 
begun  to  show  his  chalkies  jest  as  he  did  afore,  and  sez  he, 

"  Yes,  but  they  haint  come  down  yit." 

"With  that  I  pitched  in,  and,  sez  I,  "  Look  a  here,  Cuffy,  none 
of  your  grinning  at  me,  but  jest  mind  your  own  bisness.  I've 
come  to  see  the  swarry  that  Mr.  Beebe's  been  a  buying  to  treat 
his  company  with ;  so  jest  shut  your  darned  liver  lipa,  and  show 
it  to  me." 

"  Oh,"  sez  he,  a  trying  to  choke  in,  "  the  swarry  is  going  to  be 
in  the  drawing  room  there,  walk  in." 

"  What,  haint  it  come  yit,"  sez  I,  "  and  where's  all  the  folks  ? 
— I  thought  he  was  going  to  have  a  party,  too." 

"  Wai,  so  he  is,"  sez  the  nigger,  "  but  they  haint  begun  to  come 
yit." 

"  Wai,  now,"  sez  I  to  myself,  "  If  this  don't  beat  all  creation. 
Now,  in  Connecticut  it  would  a  been  eenamost  time  to  go  hum 
agin ;  these  Yorkers  du  beat  all  for  laziness."  With  that  I  went 
into  the  room.  By  the  living  hokey,  I  never  see  anything  like 
it !  It  was  enough  to  dazzle  one's  eyes ;  the  two  doors  were  slid 
back  into  the  partition,  and  it  seemed  like  one  great  ball-room ;  • 
and,  besides  that,  there  were  too  great  winders  at  the  further 
eend,  that  opened  into  a  place  that  seemed  kinder  like  a  garden. 
I  didn't  know  what  to  make  of  it,  for  it  was  chuok  full  of  posies 
that  looked  as  bright  and  as  green  as  if  it  was  the  fourth  of  July, 
and  yit  it  was  a  freezing  like  everything  out  of  doors.  I  went 
down  the  room  and  stuck  my  head  through  the  winder,  and  as 
true  as  I  live  it  was  a  little  room  all  full  of  bushes  and  roses 
sot  up  on  benches ;  it  had  a  glass  ruff,  and  the  sides  were  one  all- 
fired  great  winder,  with  little  vines  a  hanging  down  over  it,  and 


56  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

a  great  tree  chuck  full  of  something  that  looked  like  oranges,  a 
standing  up  agin  it. 

There  were  five  or  six  cages  full  of  little  yaller  birds  a  hanging 
among  the  bushes,  and  right  back  of  the  tree  stuck  over  with 
oranges,  stood  a  marble  woman  a  holding  up  a  bunch  of  grapes 
cut  out  of  marble,  with  a  lot  of  green  leaves  twisted  round  it  as 
nateral  as  could  be.  It  was  awful  harnsome,  but  I  swan  if  it 
didn't  make  me  feel  streaked  to  look  at  her  a  standing  there 
among  the  bushes,  for  she  hadn't  the  least  rag  of  kivering  on, 
and  it  raly  was  enough  to  make  a  feller  blush  to  see  her  a  holding 
the  grapes  over  her  head,  as  if  she  wanted  to  make  people  look 
at  her. 

Think  sez  I,  is  this  the  swarry  that  Cousin  Beebe  has  bought 
to  show  his  company:  I  reckon  he'd  better  have  bought  a  calico 
frock  or  something  of  that  sort  to  kiver  over  it.  I  couldn't  bear 
to  look  at  it,  and  so  I  jest  turned  about  and  stood  still  by  the 
•winder  with  my  eyes  wide  open,  for  at  the  t'other  eend  of  the 
room  was  another  garden  with  a  naked  swarry  and  bushes  in  it, 
as  much  like  the  one  I'd  been  a  looking  in  as  could  be.  I  went 
toward  it,  but  stopped  short,  and  burst  out  a  larfin  all  by  myself, 
for  it  was  nothing  but  the  same  garden  a  shining  in  the  great  big 
looking  glass,  that  I  wrote  to  you  about,  that  hung  up  right 
afore  me. 

Arter  I'd  stole  another  sly  look  at  the  orange  tree  and  the 
swarry,  I  jest  stuck  my  hands  in  my  pockets  as  well  as  I  could, 
considering  they  were  so  tight,  and  stickin  out  one  foot,  leaned 
back  again  the  winder  frame  and  looked  around  the  room.  A 
hot  sweltering  sun  in  dog  days  could  not  have  been  brighter  than 
everything  was.  There  were  two  great  things  hung  by  chains 
from  the  middle  of  both  rooms,  with  hundreds  and  hundreds  of 
chunks  of  glass  a  hanging  all  over  them  ;  and  they  were  stuck 
full  of  candles  as  white  as  curd,  all  a  burning  and  blazing,  till 
they  looked  like  a  heap  of  ice  and  snow  hung  up  to  melt  in  a 
fire.  Both  the  mantle  shelfs  were  kivered  over  with  them  tilings 
that  I  told  you  about  that  looked  so  much  like  gold  ;  some  on 
•em  were  lamps,  and  some  had  great  white  candles  stuck  into 
them;  and  there  were  lots  on  lots  of  flowers  set  in  among  them 


"  Think,  says  I,  is  this  the  swarry  that  Cousin  Beebe  has  bought  to  show  his 
company:  I  reckon  he'd  better  have  bought  a  calico  frock  or  something  of  that 
sort  to  kiver  over  it."— Page  56. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  57 

that  smelt  as  sweet  as  new  hay,  and  such  a  shining  and  glistening 
I  never  did  see.  The  best  on  it  all  was,  that  the  whopping  look 
ing  glasses  on  hoth  eends  the  rooms  made  them  seem  twice  as 
long,  and  as  if  they  had  a  great  many  more  things  in  them  than 
they  raly  had.  There  were  two  round  tables  made  out  of  some 
kind  of  cloudy  stun,  about  as  large  as  marm's  cherry-wood  tea- 
table,  a  standing  at  both  eends  of  the  rooms,  all  kivered  over 
with  leetle  picters  and  all  sorts  of  play-things,  besides  heaps  of 
books  with  morocco  backs  and  sprigged  off  with  gold,  all  lying 
among  them  every  which  way,  as  if  somebody  had  been  in  a 
hurry,  and  had  pitched  them  on  the  tables  without  staying  to 
pile  them  up. 

Besides  all  that,  they  had  brought  in  a  whole  heap  more  of 
them  footstools  that  I  told  you  about,  and  they  had  put  square 
kind  of  back  pillows  all  tossled  off  and  kivered  over  with  flowers 
at  the  eends  of  the  two  settees,  besides  a  good  many  other  things 
that  I  haint  time  to  write  about.  "  Wai,"  sez  I  to  myself,  "  if 
Cousin  Beebe  don't  take  the  shine  off  these  New  Yorkers  in  his 
party  I  lose  my  guess ;  but  I  wonder  where  on  arth  he  contrives 
to  raise  money  to  do  it  with  these  hard  times,  for  all  this  must 
have  cost  him  a  few,  I'm  sartin." 

Jest  as  I  was  thinking  this,  the  cuffy  come  into  the  room,  and 
sez  I — 

"  Look  a  here,  snow  ball,  when  is  the  party  a  coming,  I've  seep 
the  swarry  all  I  want  tu,  and  I'm  eenamost  tired  of  standing 
here  and  doing  nothing." 

"  "Wai,"  sez  he,  "  I  s'pose  they'll  be  here  in  an  hour  or  two, — 
it  aint  mor'n  eight  o'clock  yit." 

"  I  rather  guess  I  shan't  stay  here  all  alone  any  longer,"  sez  I, 
and  with  that  I  buttened  up  my  coat,  and  jest  took  a  walk  into 
the  Apollo  gallery  to  see  the  picters,  till  it  was  time  for  the  party 
to  cum.  I  haint  time  to  say  anything  about  the  heap  of  harn- 
some  picters  that  I  saw,  and  besides,  I  mean  to  write  you  all 
about  them  some  day  afore  long,  for  they  are  curios  I  can  tell 
you.  I  felt  so  much  pleased  with  looking  at  'em,  that  it  was  long 
after  nine  afore  I  thought  of  it.  So  I  jest  started  off  agin  for 
Cousin  Beube's.  When  I  went  in  this  time  the  rooms  were  brim 
full  of  people,  and  I  was  eenamost  scared  to  death.  I  unbuttoned 


68  HIGH    LIFK    IN    NEW    YORK. 

my  coat  and  pulled  up  my  dicky  a  leetle,  besides  giving  my  hair 
a  brash — and  then  1  went  in  with  my  head  straight  np,  and  my 
new  fur  hat  in  my  hand ;  jest  as  I  used  to  go  in  the  singers'  seat, 
there  in  Weathersfield.  Think  sez  I,  I'll  jest  let  'em  know  that 
I  haint  been  to  dancing  school  for  nothing.  So  I  held  my  hat  a 
leetle  afore  me  by  the  rim,  and  I  made  a  genteel  bow,  first  to  ono 
side  and  then  to  t'other.  Arter  that,  I  went  and  sot  down  on 
one  of  the  settees,  and  I  looked  round  for  cousin  Mary,  for  I  felt 
kinder  awk'ard ;  and  I  hadn't  the  least  idee  that  she  wouldn't 
have  come  up,  as  she  used  to  in  Weathersfield,  and  put  out  her 
hand  and  ask  me  if  she  should  take  my  hat.  But  there  I  sot  with 
it  between  my  hands,  a  fingering  it  over  as  if  it  had  been  a  hot 
potater,  and  she  never  cum  near  me.  I  felt  dreadfully,  for  there 
was  a  lot  of  harnsome  gals  a  staring  at  me,  and  a  puckering  up 
their  purty  leetle  mouths,  as  if  they  would  a  gin  the  world  to  larf 
right  out.  Arter  a  minit  cousin  John  cum  up  to  me,  and 
sez  he, 

"  Cousin  Slick,  I'm  glad  you've  cum,  step  in  the  next  room  und 
take  a  glass  of  wine  with  me.  Mrs.  Beebe  is  so  crowded  you 
won't  get  near  her  jest  yit." 

I  got  up,  and  we  went  into  the  entry  way  together,  and  then 
says  cousin  Beebe  to  the  nigger,  "  Here,  Ben,  take  Mr.  Slick's 

hat." 

The  nigger  took  my  hat  and  carried  it  off  up  stairs,  and,  arter 

a  few  minits,  cousin  John  went  back  into  the  room  where  the 
company  was,  without  saying  another  word  about  the  wine. 

"You  had  better  go  up  and  speak  to  Mary,  now,"  sez  he, 

kinder  low ;  "  there  she  stands  by  Count ."  I  didn't  hear 

the  name,  but  it  was  some  darned  crabbed  word,  that  was  enough 
to  choke  a  feller. 

I  hadn't  looked  round  much  when  I  cum  in  before,  for  some 
how  my  head  didn't  feel  steddy ;  but  arter  cousin  John  cum  and 
spoke  to  me,  I  didn't  seem  to  mind  it,  so  I  jest  looked  round  as 
bold  as  could  be.  I  declare  I  never  did  see  any  body  dressed  out 
as  cousin  Mary  was.  She  had  on  a  frock  of  shining  satin,  with 
harnsome  pink  sprigs  all  over  it,  and  there  was  a  great  wide 
ruffle  round  the  bottom,  made  out  of  something  that  looked  as 
white  and  thin  as  a  gal's  veil  the  day  arter  she's  married ;  and 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  59 

that  was  hitchetl  up  on  one  side  half  way  to  her  waist,  with  a 
pink  rose,  made  out  of  ribbon  with  long  eends,  that  fell  down 
eenarnost  to  the  floor.  A  heap  of  some  kind  of  shiney  thin  stuff 
was  ruffled  round  her  bosom,  and  hung  down  round  her  arms,  for 
her  frock  sleeves  were  short,  and  made  like  a  little  gal's ;  and  she 
had  on  a  pair  of  white  gloves,  with  ribbon  tops  to  'em.  One  on 
'em  was  fastened  round  her  wrist  with  a  wide  piece  of  gold,  and 
three  or  four  bands  set  full  of  shiny  stuns  wos  on  t'other  arm, 
which  was  plaguey  white,  or  else  I  suppose  she  would  not  have 
let  folks  see  it. 

Mary  al'ers  had  a  tarnal  purty  little  foot,  but  I  never  see  it  look 
so  small  as  it  did  in  that  glistening  white  shoe  of  hern,  and  to 
own  the  rale  downright  truth,  she  didn't  seem  to  be  much 
ashamed  to  show  it,  but  kept  it  stuck  out  from  under  her  ruffler, 
as  if  she'd  made  up  her  mind  to  be  ready  to  make  a  curchy  any 
minit.  There  was  one  thing  that  kinder  puzzled  me  a  good 
deal ;  Mary's  skin  never  was  over  white,  but  somehow  it  looked 
like  wax  work,  that  night,  and  you  never  see  a  meadow  pink 
look  brighter  than  her  cheeks  did ;  but  instead  of  coming  into 
her  face  and  going  away  again,  as  every  man  loves  to  see  the 
color  in  a  gal's  face  when  she's  a  talking,  and  knows  that  he's  a 
looking  at  her,  Mary's  always  kept  jest  so ;  it  didn't  seem  as  if 
an  earthquake  would  make  her  turn  pale.  The  hair  hung  in  long 
curls  down  her  cheeks  and  on  her  shoulders,  jest  as  it  did  the 
other  day,  and  she  had  a  great  white  rose  stuck  in  among  the 
curls,  on  one  side  of  her  head,  that  looked  as  if  it  hadn't  but  jest 
been  picked  off  the  bushes. 

I  looked  at  her  putty  earnestly,  I  can  tell  you,  and  I  do  think 
she  would  have  been  a  critter  that  John  might  be  proud  of,  if  it 
warn't  for  that  stuck  up  way  which  she's  got  since  she  cum  down 
here  to  York.  She  don't  du  nothing  on  arth  nateral,  and  as  she 
did  when  she  was  a  gal  in  Connecticut.  Instead  of  standing  up 
straight,  and  speaking  to  her  company  as  if  she  was  glad  to  see 
them,  she  stood  with  one  foot  stuck  out  and  her  hands  jest 
crossed  afore  her,  and  kinder  stooping  for-ard,  as  if  she  couldn't 
but  jest  stand  alone ;  I  never  see  a  critter's  back  stuck  up  as 
her's  was,  I  raly  thought  she  was  a  getting  the  rickets,  and  T  felt 


60  HIGH   LIFE    IN   NEW   YORK. 

so  anxious  about  it  that  I  turned  to  cousin  Beebe,  afore  I  went 
up  to  speak  to  her,  and  sez  I,  a  sort  of  low — 

" Cousin  John,  how  did  your  wife  hurt  her  back  so?  I  declare 
it  makes  me  feel  awfully  to  see  what  a  great  hump  she's  got  a 
growing  since  she  cum  away  from  Connecticut!" 

"With  that  cousin  John  looked  at  her  and  larfed  a  little,  but  I 
could  see  he  didn't  feel  jest  right,  and  arter  a  minit  he  said, 
sez  he, 

"Hush,  cousin,  you  must  not  speak  so  loud;  it's  true  Mary  has 
put  on  rather  too  much  bustle,  but  it's  the  fashion,  you  see."  I 
looked  round,  and  as  true  as  you  live  there  warn't  a  gal  in  the 
room  that  hadn't  her  back  a  sticking  out  jest  the  same  way. 
Such  a  set  of  humpbacked  critters  I  never  did  put  my  eyes  on, 
and  yit  they  all  stood  about  a  smiling  and  a  talking  to  the  fellers 
as  if  nothing  ailed  them,  poor  things!  I  never  see  a  set  of  folks 
dressed  out  so  much,  and  so  awfully  stuck  up  as  they  were. 
Some  of  the  gals  had  feathers  in  their  hair,  and  some  had  flowers 
or  gold  chains  twisted  among  their  curls,  and  I  didn't  see  one  there 
that  wasn't  dressed  up  in  her  silks  and  satins  as  crank  as  could 
be.  As  for  the  men,  I  thought  I  should  have  haw  hawed  right 
out  a  larfin  to  see  some  of  'em ;  there  was  one  chap  talking  to 
Miss  Beebe  with  his  hair  parted  from  the  top  of  his  head  down 
each  side  of  his  face,  and  it  hung  down  behind  all  over  his  coat 
collar  like  a  young  gal's  just  before  she  begins  to  wear  a  comb; 
and  there  was  two  bunches  of  hair  stuck  out  on  his  upper  lip  right 
under  his  nose,  like  a  cat's  whiskers  when  she  begins  to  get  her 
back  up.  Every  time  he  spoke  the  hair  kinder  riz  up  and  moved 
about  till  it  was  enough  to  make  a  feller  crawl  all  over  to  look  at 
him.  Think  sez  I,  if  it  wouldn't  be  fun  to  see  that  varmint  try  to 
eat.  If  he  didn't  get  his  victuals  tangled  up  in  that  bunch  of 
hair,  he  must  know  how  to  aim  allfired  straight  with  his  knife 
and  fork. 

When  I  cum  to  look  round  there  were  more  than  a  dozen  chaps, 
rale  dandy-looking  fellers,  with  their  lips  bristled  out  in  the  same 
way.  Think  sez  I,  there  are  some  men  that  would  be  hogs  if  they 
only  had  bristles,  as  we  say  in  Connecticut,  but  these  chajia 
needn't  keep  out  of  the  gutters  for  want  of  them,  they  are  ready 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  61 

for  sarvice  any  time.  There  were  two  or  three  rather  good- 
looking  chaps,  that  didn't  4et  the  hair  grow  on  their  upper  lips, 
but  it  come  up  in  a  pint  like  a  letter  A  from  the  tip  of  the  china 
eenamost  to  their  mouths.  These  fellers  had  great  hairy  whis 
kers  that  made  them  look  as  if  they  had  run  all  to  head  like  a 
seed  onion.  I  swanny,  I  never  did  see  such  a  set  of  infarnal 
looking  coots  in  all  my  life — a  tribe  of  ribbed  nosed  babboons 
•would  have  looked  ten  times  as  much  like  men;  and  yet  they 
did't  seem  the  least  bit  ashamed  of  themselves,  but  strutted  round 
among  the  gals  as  large  as  life,  showing  off  with  their  white 
gloves  on  and  white  cambric  handkerchers,  that  I  s'pose  they 
borrowed  from  their  sisters,  stuck  into  their  pockets. 

I  wouldn't  go  up  and  speak  tu  Miss  Beebe  till  that  ninniham- 
mer  with  the  brustles  went  away  from  her,  for  I  was  afeard  that 
I  couldn't  hold  in,  but  should  haw  haw  right  out  in  his  face,  if  I 
got  tu  looking  at  him  too  stiddy.  I  raly  didn't  know  which  looked 
the  worst,  men  running  about  among  decent  people  with  dirty 
brustles  under  their  noses,  or  women  a  trying  tu  make  themselves 
look  humpbacked  so  as  tu  be  in  the  fashion. 

At  last  the  chap  with  the  brustles  went  off  with  a  young  gal 
into  the  room  where  the  bushes  were,  to  look  at  the  swarry,  I 
s'pose,  and  so  then  I  went  up  tu  Miss  Beebe  and  I  made  a  bow, 
and  sez  I — 

"It's  a  pleasant  evening,  Miss  Beebe." 

"Yes,"  sez  she,  "it  is  very  pleasant." 

I  didn't  seem  tu  stand  easy,  so  I  put  t'other  foot  for'ard,  and 
wiped  my  nose  a  little  with  my  red  hankercher. 

"Any  news  a  stirring?"  sez  I. 

"Nothing  particular  that  I  know  on,"  sez  she. 

I  changed  feet  agin. 

"I  ruther  thought  it  was  a  going  tu  rain,  but  I  guess  it  won't 
now,"  sez  I. 

"No,  I  ruther  think  not,"  sez  she. 

We  stood  stock  still  a  minit,  and  then  I  put  my  hankercher  in 
my  coat  pocket  agin,  and,  sez  I — 

"I  swanny,  Miss  Beebe,  you've  got  a  grist  of  harnsome  gals 
here  to-iiight.  I'll  be  darned  if  I  aint  eenamost  in  love  with 
some  one  on  'ern." 


C4  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

their  cambric  hankerchers  into  their  mouths,  and  the  yonng  gals 
puckered  up  their  mouths  as  if  I'd  done  something  tu  poke  fun 
at.  But  instid  of  sneaking  off  and  letting  the  stuck  up  varmints 
think  they'd  scared  me  so  I  darsn't  dance,  I  felt  my  dander  a  get 
ting  up,  and  sez  I  tu  myself,  "  I  guess  I'll  let  'em  see  that  I  warn't 
brought  up  in  the  woods  to  be  scared  at  owls,  any  how ;"  so  I 
jest  turned  tu  the  black  eyed  gal  that  was  my  partner,  and  sez  I, 

*'  Cum  now,  Miss,  let  us  show  'em  how  it's  done,"  and  with 
that  I  begun  tu  put  it  down  right  and  left  like  a  streak  of  light 
ning.  It  warn't  more  than  two  minits  afore  I  heard  the  gals  a 
talking  tu  each  other,  and  a  saying. 

"  How  odd — how  strange — quite  the  eccentricity  of  genius — 
these  literary  lions  never  do  anything  as  other  people  do  1 — I 
don't  wonder  Miss  Beebe's  proud  of  him." 

The  young  fellers  joined  in  and  stopped  larfin  as  quick  as  could 
be,  the  minit  they  begun  to  see  how  the  wind  was  a  blowing  up 
iu  my  quarter,  and  when  I  finished  off  and  led  the  black  eyed 
gal  tu  one  of  the  footstools,  there  was  no  eend  tu  the  soft  sodder 
they  all  put  on  tu  me.  Sez  I  tu  myself,  nothing  like  keeping  A 
stiff  upper  lip  with  these  stuck  up  fashionables,  for  arter  all  they 
aint  more  than  half  sartin  what's  genteel  and  what  aint. 

Jest  then  the  music  begun  agin,  and  one  of  them  tall  hairy 
lipped  fellers  got  up  with  a  purty  little  gal,  that  didn't  look  more 
than  eighteen  years  old,  and  he  put  his  white  gloves  on  a  little 
tighter,  and  then  I'll  be  darned  if  he  didn't  begin  to  hug  her 
right  there  afore  all  on  us.  He  put  one  arm  round  her  little 
waist  jest  above  the  hump  on  her  back,  and  he  took  one  of  her 
hands  in  his'n,  and  then  she  looked  up  into  his  eyes  and  he 
looked  down  into  hers  as  loving  as  two  pussy  cats,  and  then  they 
begun  to  make  cheeses  on  the  carpet  till  you  couldn't  have  told 
which  was  which. 

I  never  felt  my  blood  bile  so  in  all  my  life ;  it  raly  didn't  seem 
decent,  and  if  she  had  been  a  relation  of  mine,  I'll  be  darned  to 
darnation  if  I  wouldn't  have  knocked  that  pesky  varmint  into  a 
cocked  hat  in  less  than  no  time.  I'd  a  made  him  glad  to  eut 
himself  up  hair  and  all,  greasy  as  it  must  a  tasted,  tu  have  got 
out  of  my  way.  Oh !  but  I  was  wrathy  with  the  coot  for  a  minit ; 
and  then  says  I  to  myself,  "  I  don't  know  as  the  chap's  so  much 


B?    JONATHAN    SLICK.  65 

V 

to  blame,  arter  all,  it's  the  gal's  own  fault ;  if  she  likes  to  be 
hugged  and  whirled  round  so  afore  the  folks,  the  feller  must  bo 
an  allfired  fool  not  to  like  it  as  much  she  does;  but,  thinks  I,  if 
the  gal  means  to  git  married,  her  bread  will  be  all  dough  agin, 
arter  this,  for  no  decent  honest  man  would  want  to  marry  a  gal 
arter  he'd  seen  her  tousled  about  afore  fifty  people,  by  such  a 
shote  as  that  chap  is." 

As  soon  as  the  two  critters  sot  down,  the  fellers  and  the  gals 
all  locked  arms  and  begun  to  stream  out  of  the  room.  I  thought 
I  might  as  well  see  where  they  were  a  going,  so  I  jest  crooked 
my  arm,  and  the  black  eyed  gal  put  hers  through  it,  and  out  we 
went  into  the  entry  way  tu  a  room  further  back^  where  all  the 
company  was  standing  about  round  a  table  sot  out  with  every 
thing  good  on  arth  that  a  feller  ever  thought  of  eating. 

I  thought  the  table,  when  I  eat  dinner  at  cousin  John's,  took 
the  shine  off  from  everything  that  I'd  ever  seen  afore  in  my  life, 
but  it  warn't  a  circumstance  to  this.  There  was  no  eend  to  the 
silver  dishes  and  baskets  all  sot  out  with  flowers,  and  a  running 
over  with  bunches  of  white  grapes  and  oranges,  and  everything 
else  good  that  ever  grew  on  arth  !  and  there  were  more  than 
half  a  dozen  little  steeples,  all  made  out  of  red  and  white  sugar 
candy,  hung  over  with  flowers  and  curlecued  about  with  littJc 
Bugar  images,  and  sich  lots  of  cake,  and  presarves,  and  jelly,  ant 
things  that  I'd  never  seen  afore  in  my  life.  Everything  glittered 
and  shone  so  it  fairly  took  away  my  appetite.  There  was  another 
little  table  kivered  over  with  decanters  and  with  a  lot  of  them 
cider  bottles  that  I've  told  you  about,  standing  on  it;  but  I 
kept  purty  clear  of  that,  I  can  tell  you.  Cousin  Beebe  cum  to 
ine  with  one  of  'eiu  in  his  hand,  and  sez  he,  sort  of  larfin, 

"  Come,  cousin  Slick,  take  a  glass." 

Says  I,  "  No,  if  you'd  jest  as  lives,  I'd  a  little  ruther  not,  your 
York  cider  don't  agree  with  me." 

"  Oh,"  sez  he,  "  it's  only  sham  pain,  try  a  little." 

"  I'm  jest  as  much  obliged  to  you,  but  I'd  a  little  ruther  not,  it 
warn't  sham  pain  that  I  had  in  my  head  the  day  arter  I  drunk  it 
before,  I  can  tell  you." 

With  that  cousin  Beebe  larfed,  and  sez  he,  "  you  must  be  gal 
lant,  and  help  Miss  Miles,  she  hasn't  got  no  refreshments  v't  "     f 
5 


66  HIGH   LIFE   IN   NEW   YORK. 

looked  toward  the  black  eyed  gal,  and  sure  enough,  there  she 
stood  as  mute  as  could  be,  looking  on,  while  all  the  rest  was  a 
eating.  I  went  up  to  her  again,  and  I  made  her  a  bow,  and  sez  I, 

u  Miss  Miles,  what  will  you  take  ?  arter  you  is  manners  for  me, 
and  I  begin  to  feel  a  little  as  if  I  should  like  a  bite." 

I  could  see  that  tarnal  purty  mouth  of  hern  begin  to  tremble, 
as  if  it  wanted  to  say  something  funny,  but  she  looked  in  ruy 
face,  and  sez  she, 

"  I'll  take  a  little  blue  monge  if  you  please." 

I  didn't  know  what  she  could  mean,  but  there  was  some  stuff 
in  some  little  blue  glasses,  that  looked  as  much  like  soap  suds  as 
anything  else,  and  I  took  one  of  'em  out  of  the  silver  thing  that  it 
stood  in,  and  I  jest  stirred  it  up  a  little  with  the  spoon,  afore  I  give 
it  to  her.  I  dont  know  what  on  arth  become  of  the  blue  monge, 
but  I  hadn't  more  than  touched  it  when  off  it  went,  and  left 
the  glass  eenajest  empty.  Miss  Miles  larfed  a  little,  and  says  she, 

"  Thank  you,  the  syllabub  will  do  jest  as  well.  A  few  grapes, 
and  a  trifle  of  that  jelly,  if  you  please." 

"  But,"  sez  I,  holding  the  glass,  and  a  lookin  down  on  the 
carpet  and  over  my  new  trousers,  "  where  on  arth  can  that  monge 
have  gone  tu !  I  hope  there  aint  none  of  it  got  on  tu  your  silk 
frock,  Miss  Miles." 

"  Oh,  no,"  sez  she,  "  don't  mind  it,  the  grapes  will  do  jest  as 
well." 

I  took  up  a  plate  and  gave  her  a  great  whopping  bunch  from 
off  one  of  the  dishes,  and  then  I  made  another  bow,  and,  sez  I — 

"  Anything  else,  Miss  Miles  ?  I'd  do  anything  on  arth  to 
oblige  you." 

She  twisted  up  that  plump  little  mouth  of  hern  in  one  of  the 
handsomest  smiles  I  ever  see,  and,  sez  she,  "  I'll  take  that  rose 
bud  that  dropped  from  the  grape  basket  when  you  took  these  out." 

I  swan,  but  she  looked  plaguy  harnsome,  I  couldn't  but  jest 
keep  from  staring  right  in  her  face  all  the  time.  I  felt  my  heart 
a  floundering  about,  like  a  pullet  with  its  neck  twisted,  when 
she  said  this,  and  I  took  up  the  rose  bud  between  the  fingers  of 
my  yaller  gloves,  and  I  stepped  back  and  made  as  genteel  a  bow 
as  I  could,  considering  I  hadn't  room  to  square  my  elbows,  and, 
wzl — 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  67 

"  I  hope  you'll  keep  that  ere  to  remember  me  by." 

She  gave  me  another  of  them  tarnation  bright  smiles,  and  she 
stuck  the  rose  in  her  bosom,  and  sez  she,  kinder  larfin  a  little — 

"  What  shall  I  give  you,  Mr.  Slick?  This  myrtle  sprig?  it'll 
keep  green  longer  than  your  rose." 

u  No  thank  you,"  sez  I,  a  looking  at  her  as  killing  as  could  be, 
"  I'll  take  it ;  but  I  don't  want  anything  to  make  me  remember 
you.': 

I  kinder  expected  that  she'd  have  blushed  a  little  when  I  said 
that ;  but  somehow  these  city  gals  don't  color  up  very  easy.  She 
smiled  again,  and  sez  she — 

"  "Well,  Mr.  Slick,  you  must  call  and  see  how  well  your  rose 
keeps  with  ine.  Mrs.  Beebe,  will  come  with  you  any  time." 

Sez  I,  "  but  I  aint  sartin  as  you'll  be  glad  to  see  me,  you  must 
have  a  great  many  beaus,  and  I  may  be  in  the  way." 

She  was  a  going  to  answer  me,  but  jest  then  that  tarnal  var 
mint  with  the  hair  come  up  with  a  plate  in  his  hand,  and  sez  he 
— "  Let  me  help  you  tu  a  jelly,  Miss  Miles." 

I  could  have  knocked  the  critter  into  the  middle  of  next  week, 
I  was  so  tarnal  mad  ;  but  there  he  stood  a  bowing  and  a  smiling 
through  his  hair  lip  like  an  etarnal  monkey  that  had  got  the 
stomach  ache,  and  I  couldn't  get  a  word  in  edge  ways.  I  couldn't 
eat  a  morsel,  but  I  took  up  one  of  the  cider  bottles  without  a 
thinking  what  I  was  a  doing,  and  I  drunk  two  glasses  right  off, 
and  arter  that  I  felt  a  little  better ;  but  I'll  be  darned  if  it  didn't 
make  me  grit  my  teeth  tu  see  that  stuck-up  coot  work  bis  arm 
as  if  he  warnted  to  go  into  t'other  room  with  Miss  Miles.  She 
looked  round  as  if  to  see  where  I  was,  and  then  I  went  right 
straight  up,  and,  sez  I  tu  him — 

"  Arter  me  is  manners  for  you" 

"With  that  I  took  her  little  hand  in  my  yaller  glove,  and  I  put 
it  into  my  arm  as  genteel  as  could  be,  and  walked  straight  into 
t'other  room  with  her.  She  sot  down  on  one  of  the  settees,  and 
I  jest  pulled  one  of  the  footstools  close  up  to  her,  and  there  we 
both  sot  as  sociable  as  could  be  till  the  folks  all  come  back  agin. 
Arter  that  I  had  to  git  up  and  give  a  pale-looking  gal  my  seat ; 
but  I  kept  a  standing  up  by  the  eend  of  the  settee,  till  Cousin 
Beebe  come  up  tu  me,  and,  sez  he — 


68  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

"  Consin  Slick,  jest  step  this  way  a  minit." 

He  went  right  between  the  silk  winder  cnrtins  into  the  place 
wnere  the  bushes,  and  the  birds,  and  the  swarry  was,  and  sez 
he— 

"Consin  Jonathan,  did  you  know  that  the  straps  to  your  pan 
taloons  have  slipped  out  from  under  you  boots?" 

"  You  don't  say  so,"  sez  I,  a  looking  down  at  hisen,  tu  see  how 
he  fixed  them,  for  I  didn't  want  him  to  think  that  I'd  left  'em  so 
on  purpose  ;  but  I  felt  awful  streaked  when  I  see  his  was  buttoned 
under  the  sole  of  his  dancing  pumps. 

"  Here,  jest  lift  up  your  foot,"  sez  he. 

I  histed  my  foot  up,  and  he  jirked  the  strops  down  quick 
enough ;  but  I  swan  if  I  didn't  feel  as  if  he'd  corded  me  up  tu  see 
how  long  I'd  keep.  I  didn't  wonder  the  chaps  sidled  and  wrig 
gled  about  so  when  they  tried  tu  dance,  a  feller  couldn't  take  a 
regular  strong  step  tu  save  his  life,  girt  up  in  a  pair  of  these  new- 
fashioned  trousers. 

"Look  a  here,  cousin  Beebe,"  sez  I,  jest  as  he  was  a  going  out, 
and  I  pinted  tu  the  naked  marble  woman  a  standing  among  the 
bushes,  with  the  light  a  coming  in  from  t'other  room  onto  her, 
till  she  looked  liKe  a  harnsome  ghost  a  walking  among  the 
bushes  by  moonlight ;  "  if  you'll  take  a  fool's  advice  you'll  buy  a 
frock  and  petticoat  for  that  purty  swarry  of  yourn,  afore  you 
have  another  party.  How  should  you  feel  if  some  of  them  young 
gals  was  tu  cum  in  here  ?" 

John  bust  out  a  larfin,  and  I  raly  thought  the  critter  would 
never  stop. 

"Now  what  are  you  a  haw-hawing  about?*'  sez  I,  sort  a 
wrathy,  "  because  I  cum  here  with  my  trousers  slipped  up  a 
leetle.  I  don't  s'pose  anybody  but  you  see  them." 

"  Oh  never  think  about  it,"  sez  he,  a  biting  in,  but  the  tears 
kept  a  running  down  his  cheeks,  for  all  that.  "If  they  did  see 
it,  they'll  set  it  down  for  the  eccentricity  of  genius,  as  the  young 
ladies  say.  You  literary  chaps  can  do  a'most  anything  now-a-days.' ' 

"I  begin  to  think  we  can,"  sez  I,  for  jest  that  minit  I  remem 
bered  all  that  tarnal  sweet  critter,  Miss  Miles,  had  been  a  saying 
to  me,  and  I  looked  down  tu  see  if  the  sprig  of  inyrtlo  was  in  my 
button-hole  yit. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  69 

'When  we  went  into  the  room,  there  warn't  scarce  any  of  the 
party  left.  I  stood  hy  one  of  the  doors  till  I  saw  Miss  Miles  com 
down  with  her  purty  face  half  buried  up  in  a  great  silk  hood — so 
I  jest  went  with  her  to  the  door,  and  there  stood  a  carriage  with 
a  nigger  a  standing  by  the  door — so  I  jest  took  hold  of  her  hand 
and  helped  her  to  git  in ;  and  arter  that  I  felt  so  lonesome,  I  bid 
cousin  Mary  good  night  and  made  tracks  for  my  office.  I  ruther 
think  I  won't  tell  what  I  dreamed  about — you  old  steady  folk?  do 
love  to  larf  at  a  young  chap  so — and  as  I  ruther  think  I  shall 
cum  hum  tu  thanksgiving,  I  don't  mean  to  let  you  all  poke  too 
much  fun  at  me. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  VII. 

Scenes  in  Broadway — Jonathan's  Interview  with  the  Count  and 
Flirtations  with  Miss  Miles. 

DEAR  PAR: 

I  am  eenamost  sartin  that  you  was  disappinted  because  I  didn't 
come  hum  to  thanksgiving,  but  somehow  I  couldn't  raise  pluck 
enough  to  start,  all  I  could  du.  I  raly  don't  know  what  seemed 
to  be  the  matter  with  me ;  but  arter  Miss  Beebe's  party,  I  begun 
to  git  as  peaked  and  wamblecropped  as  could  be.  I  swanny,  if 
it  didn't  set  me  all  in  a  fluster  the  next  morning,  when  I  got  up 
and  found  the  sprig  of  myrtle  that  Miss  Miles  give  me  a  lying  on 
the  floor  jest  where  it  had  dropped  from  the  button  hole  of  my. 
new  coat. 

I  didn't  hardly  give  myself  time  to  put  on  my  clothes,  afore  I 
went  out  to  a  crockeryware  stand  and  bought  a  tumbler  to  put 
it  in ;  and  then  I  set  it  on  my  desk,  and  tried  to  write  a  little,  for 
I  didn't  feel  jest  like  eating  any  breakfast.  But  it  warn't  of  no 
use  trying — all  I  could  du,  every  idee  in  my  head  got  fixed  OE 
the  myrtle,  and  Miss  Miles,  and  the  party.  I  didn't  write  two 
words  together,  but  scrabbled  ah1  over  the  paper,  and  figgered  out 
little  heads,  and  meeting-houses,  and  hay-stacks  on  it,  as  nat'ral 


70  HIGH    LIFB    IN    KEW    YORK. 

as  conld  be ;  but  if  I'd  been  bang  and  choked  to  death,  I  couldn't 
a  wrote  two  rale  ginuine  lines.  I  felt  sort  of  odd  all  over,  and  I 
hadn't  the  least  notion  what  could  ail  me;  it  warn't  a  very 
tedious  feeling,  though,  but  it  seemed  as  if  I  was  a  dreaming  yit, 
and  all  about  that  tarnation  little  Miss  Miles.  I  kept  a  seeing 
them  bright  black  eyes  and  them  long  curls  of  hern  all  the  time, 
as  plain  as  day.  I'll  be  choked  if  I  didn't  git  afeared  that  I  was 
a  beginning  to  have  a  kind  of  a  sneakin  notion  arter  her,  and  sez 
I  to  myself,  u  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick,  this  won't  do  no  how.  Arter 
what  you've  seen  of  woman  natur  in  that  Judy  White,  you  must 
be  a  darned  crazy  shote  to  poke  your  fingers  in  that  fire  agin." 
But  a  feller  may  as  well  drink  tn  much  lickor  and  ask  it  not  to 
make  him  stagger,  as  to  git  bis  bead  chock  full  of  the  gals  and 
then  try  to  talk  common  sense  to  hisself.  It  is  like  giving  advice 
to  a  rat  when  his  leg  is  in  the  trap. 

The  long  and  short  of  it  was,  I  couldn't  set  still,  and  I  couldn't 
think  of  anything  on  arth  but  that  gal,  so  I  'jumped  up  all  tu 
once  and  sez  I  to  myself — "  Wai,  one  way  or  t'other,  by  hook  or 
by  crook,  I'll  see  her  agin — I  will,  by  bokey  I  it's  of  no  use  to 
git  down  in  the  mouth  about  it,  she  can't  do  more  than  give  me 
the  mittin,  any  how,  and  it  will  be  the  first  gal  I  ever  got  it  from, 
if  she  does,  I  can  tell  her  that." 

I  was  so  anxious  that  it  seemed  forever  afore  I  got  on  my  dandy 
coat  and  trousers  agin.  My  hankercher  smelt  purty  strong  yit 
of  the  essence  of  peppermint,  so  I  fixed  it  right  in  my  pocket, 
put  on  my  yaller  gloves,  and  stuck  the  sprig  of  myrtle  in  my 
bosom  afore  I  gin  the  last  peak  into  the  leetle  looking-glass  that 
bangs  in  a  corner  of  my  office.  I  don't  think  there  could  be 
much  said  agin  my  looks,  as  I  went  down  Cherry  street  with  my 
head  flung  back,  sort  of  independent,  and  the  tip  eend  of  my 
yaller  gloves  stuck  in  my  pocket.  Consarn  that  Broadway 
tailor !  he  made  the  trousers  so  tight  that  I  couldn't  get  a  hull 
hand  in  no  more  than  I  could  fly. 

ML«s  Miles  lives  clear  up  to  the  further  eend  of  Broadway,  so 
I  took  a  short  cut  across  the  Park,  and  went  along  by  the  Astor 
House.  A  lot  of  dandyfied  looking  chaps  stood  on  the  steps  a 
staring  at  the  harnsome  gals  as  they  went  by,  all  furbelowed  and 
finefied  out  like  a  stream  of  garden  flowers  all  in  full  blow. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  71 

They  may  talk  about  England  and  France  and  Garmany,  as 
well  as  all  the  other  big  places  that  a  feller  can  pint  out  on  the 
map ;  but,  for  my  part,  I  don't  believe  there  is  a  place  on  the 
arth  where  the  wimmen  dress  so  allfired  costly  as  they  du  here 
in  York.  It  raly  is  enough  to  make  a  feller  grit  his  teeth  to  see 
the  harnsome  critters  sideling  and  curchying  along  the  stun  walks, 
•wrapped  up  in  silks  and  satins  and  velvets,  and  all  sorts  of 
feathers,  as  long  as  them  that  Captain  Jones  wore  in  his  training 
cap,  as  if  it  only  wanted  a  fiddler  to  set  them  all  a  dancing,  when 
their  husbands  are  out  a  shinning  and  working  themselves  to 
death  to  keep  their  notes  from  being  sued  by  the  lawyers.  It 
don't  seem  right,  but  yit  they  do  look  tarnal  killing  in  their  fur 
belows — it's  of  no  use  denying  that. 

But  one  thing  did  raise  my  dander  a  leetle  as  I  went  along, 
that's  a  fact.  Any  body  that  had  half  an  eye  could  see  that  all 
the  young  gals  were  possessed  after  them  foreign  chaps  with  the 
brustles  and  whiskers.  Every  once  in  a  while  one  of  the  indecent 
varmints  would  come  along  with  his  head  twisted  round  under 
Borne  purty  woman's  bonnet,  talking  as  soft  and  as  mealy-mouthed 
as  could  be,  like  an  old  grey  cat  mewing  round  a  bird  cage,  and 
the  gals  seemed  all  in  a  twitter,  they  were  so  tickled,  and  screwed 
up  their  mouths,  and  smiled  to  show  their  teeth,  and  looked  as 
proud  as  peacocks  of  the  etarnal  impudent  critters.  I'll  be 
darned  if  I  don't  believe  every  one  of  them  chaps  are  barbers  or 
chair-makers  when  they  are  to  hum,  and1  hearing  what  a  chance 
the  York  gals  give  every  kind  of  animals  that  come  from  foreign 
parts,  and  how  they  begin  to  turn  up  their  noses  at  a  rale  true 
born  American,  whenever  they  can  git  a  chance  to  make  foola 
of  themselves  with  them  hairy  lipp'd  fellers,  they've  come  over 
here  to  York  to  court  the  gals  and  git  up  a  new  crop  of  hair  to 
begin  bisness  with  when  they  git  hum  agin.  Think  sez  I,  it 
•wouldn't  be  a  bad  joke  sometime  about  six  months  arter  this,  if 
some  of  them  same  gals  that  don't  think  nothing  of  chasing  arter 
them  fellers,  should  buy  his  whiskers  and  all  the  rest  on  'em  that 
they  fall  in  love  with,  stuffed  into  a  footstool,  sich  as  I  saw  at 
Miss  Beebe's.  Stranger  things  than  that  has  happened  afore 
now,  I  reckon. 

It  raly  made  me  feel  bad  to  see  tall,  harusome-looking  fellers, 


72  HIGH   LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

ginuine  Americans,  with  revolutionary  blood  in  their  hearts,  a 
standing  on  the  tavern  steps,  and  a  walking  all  alone  up  and 
down  the  streets  as  melancholy  as  mice  in  an  empty  mill,  while 
their  own  wimmen  folks,  that  ought  to  feel  ashamed  of  them 
selves,  were  a  talking  and  smiling  and  giggling  with  that  pack  of 
varmints.  It  made  my  blood  bile  to  see  it,  I  can  tell  you. 

You  wont  think  it  exactly  like  a  Christian  to  run  on  as  I  da 
about  them  fellers,  I'm  afeard ;  but  the  truth  of  it  is,  I  do  hate 
'em  like  pison.  If  I  owned  a  caravan  of  living  animals,  darn  me, 
if  I  wouldn't  catch  some  on  'em  for  specimens,  and  cage  'em  up 
for  a  show.  They  wouldn't  be  a  strutting  up  Broadway  and  a 
showing  themselves  for  nothing  much  longer,  I  can  tell  then 
that !  They  talk  about  Yankee  speculations ;  I  reckon  this  woul  J 
be  a  prime  one — wouldn't  it  ?  If  a  feller  could  only  get  a  good 
trap  made,  there  wouldn't  be  no  difficulty  but  we  could  find 
purty  gals — them  that  live  in  fine  houses  and  hold  up  their  heads 
as  if  they  were  queens  too — that  wo"M  be  willing  enough  to  let 
you  use  them  for  bate. 

You  wont  be  surprised  that  I  am  wrothy  about  them  chaps  when 
I  tell  you  how  I  was  struck  up  jest  arter  I  went  by  the  Astor 
House.  I  was  thinking  about  one  thing  or  another,  when  all  to 
once  I  lifted  my  head  and  there  was  Miss  Miles  a  coming  toward 
me  a  looking  as  fresh  and  harnsome  as  a  full  blown  butter  cup, 
and  close  to  her  side,  that  Count  with  the  crabbed  name  that  I 
saw  at  Miss  Beebe's  was  a  twistifying  himself  along,  with  his 
head  bent  sideways  till  the  great  long  white  feather  that  she  wore 
in  her  bonnet  all  but  swept  across  his  eyes.  I  eenamost  felt  as  if  I 
should  holler  out,  and  I  raly  believe  I  should  have  boo  hooed 
right  in  the  street  if  I  hadn't  been  so  allfired  wrathy  at  the  sight 
of  him.  Oh !  but  my  Yankee  grit  did  rise — I  dug  my  hands  down 
in  my  trousers'  pocket  and  walked  right  straight  up  to  them  a 
grinning  like  a  hyena,  for  I  was  detarmined  to  let  them  see  that 
I  didn't  care  a  copper  how  much  they  walked  together.  They 
were  so  busy  twisting  their  heads  about  and  a  looking  soft  sodder 
at  each  other  that  they  didn't  see  me  till  I  stood  right  afore  them 
oa  stiff  as  an  iron  crowbar,  with  my  head  up  straight,  and  one  foot 
e-tuck  out  for'ard,  as  an  independent  and  true  born  Yankee  oughA 
to  do  when  he  sees  himself  imposed  on. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  73 

There  was  no  mistake  in  Miss  Miles  this  time  any  how.  She 
gave  a  little  scream  and  blushed  as  red  as  a  turkey's  oomb,  and 
then  she  looked  about  sort  of  skeery  as  if  she  was  afeard  some 
body  would  see  how  slick  I'd  caught  her.  I  was  mad  as  all  natur, 
but  as  true  as  you  live  I  couldn't  but  jest  keep  from  haw  hawing 
right  out  to  see  how  that  hair  lipp'd  Count  acted  when  he  saw  me 
a  standing  up  afore  him.  He  kinder  stepped  back  and  stuck  out 
one  foot  a  little  sideways,  jest  as  if  he  was  a  going  to  make  a  bow, 
and  he  twisted  his  little  stuck  up  waist  round  till  his  head  poked 
out  like  a  mud  turtle  when  he  wants  to  see  if  anybody  is  near. 
Then  he  took  a  thing  out  of  his  vest  pocket  hitched  to  a  gold 
chain  that  he  wore  round  his  neck,  and  held  it  up  to  one  eye,  and 
there  he  stood  a  staring  at  me  and  twisting  his  face  and  a  brust- 
ling  up  his  hair  lip,  like  an  etarnal  monkey.  I  didn't  seem  to 
mind  him,  but  looked  right  straight  at  Miss  Miles,  and  sez  I — 

"How  do  you  du,  Miss  Miles?" 

She  didn't  seem  to  know  *o\v  to  take  me  at  first,  so  she  looked 
at  the  feller  and  then  at  me,  and,  arter  a  while,  sez  she — 

"Oh!  Mr  Slick,  is  it  you?" 

"Wai,  I  ruther  guess  it  is,"  sez  I,  "but  I  s'pose  my  room's  as 
good  as  my  company,  I  don't  want  tu  keep  you  from  talking  tu 
your  beau  there." 

"  Oh !  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  she,  a  twisting  up  her  mouth  and  a  looking 
in  my  face,  jest  as  she  did  the  night  afore,  "how  odd  you  men  of 
genius  are !  The  Count,  I'm  sure,  will  be  happy  to  meet  you, 
won't  you,  Count?" 

She  called  the  coot  by  his  hull  name,  but  how  she  could  twist 
that  little  mouth  of  hern  so  as  to  git  the  word  out,  I  can't  tell. 
Arter  that  she  turned  her  head  a  little,  and  said  something  sort 
of  low  to  him.  She  smiled  so  harnsome,  and  her  voice  was  so 
soft  and  coaxing,  that  I  had  eenamost  forgot  the  chap,  but  her 
talking  to  him  made  me  rile  up  agin — and  jest  as  he  was  letting 
that  half  of  a  pair  of  spectacles  down  from  his  eye,  and  was  a 
beginning  to  put  his  face  ship  shape  agin,  I  walked  right  straight 
up  to  him,  and  sez  I — 

"Look  a  here  you  chap,  I  ruther  guess  you  mean  to  know  -vrhp 
I  am  the  next  time  you  see  me." 


74  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

"Sare?"  sez  he,  a  standing  up  straight  and  tpening  his  great 
black  eyes  till  they  seemed  chuck  full  of  fire  and  brimstone. 

''Wai,  what  on  it?"  sez  I. 

"You  are  impertinent,"  sez  he. 

"  Wai,  now  I  reckon  that  aint  what  I  was  baptized.  I'll  tell 
you  what,  Mr.  Hair-lip,  I  haint  a  going  to  let  you  nor  any  body 
else  call  me  names,"  sez  I,  a  taking  both  hands  out  of  my  trousers 
pockets,  and  a  pulling  up  my  yaller  gloves,  as  spiteful  as  could  be, 
jest  to  show  him  that  my  mawlers  were  fit  for  use. 

The  feller's  lips  began  to  grow  white,  but  he  twisted  them  up 
as  if  he  wanted  to  make  me  think  he  didn't  care  for  what  I  said. 

"Sare,"  sez  he,  "do  you  know  whom  you  are  speaking  to?" 

"Wai,"  sez  I,  larfin  in  his  face  a  leetle,  "I  ruther  guess  I  du, 
though  I  haint  just  made  up  my  mind  what  kind  of  horned  cattle 
you  call  yourself  yit:  they  give  all  sich  stranger-critters  a  name, 
and  I  s'pose  you'll  git  one  by-am-by,  as  well  as  the  rest  on  'em." 

With  that  he  turned  as  white  as  a  tub  of  curd,  and  sez  he — 

"This  is  too  much,  sare;  remember  you  are  speaking  to  a 
Count."  Here  he  out  with  a  name  as  long  and  crooked  as  a 
sassafras  root. 

"You  don't  say  so!"  sez  I. 

"I'm  a  nobleman!"  sez  he,  and  he  was  a  going  on  to  give  me 
another  string  of  foreign  jaw-breakers;  but  I  jest  sot  down  my 
foot,  and  fez  I, 

"Look  a  here,  you  feller — I  don't  care  the  value  of  a  butnut- 
shell  how  many  names  you've  got;  we  don't  own  no  Counts  in 
this  ere  free  land  of  liberty,  but  them  that  can  count  down  the 
most  hard  chink,  and  they  have  to  work  tarnation  hard  afore 
they  git  the  title,  I  can  tell  you.  As  for  your  noblemen,  we 
have  raised  a  new-fashioned  sort  of  'em  in  this  land  of  liberty. 
In  the  Revolutionary  War  a  hull  grist  on  'em  sot  their  titles  down 
on  our  glorious  Declaration  of  Independence,  and  there  they'll 
stay,  as  bright  as  the  stars,  to  all  etarnity,  and  a  day  longer.  We 
don't  ask  our  noblemen  who  their  father*  were,  or  how  they  got 
a  living.  Great  deeds  and — what's  the  same  thing — good  de»ju» 
make  noblemen  here.  Every  man  has  to  work  out  his  own  t>.ie 
and  when  he  dies,  instid  of  leaving  it  to  some  booby  of  a  sc/nt  "."* 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  Y5 

•writes  his  date  out  in  the  history  of  his  country,  and  takes  it  back 
to  him  who  gave  the  power  to  arn  it.  As  for  any  other  noblemen 
— though  I  believe  arter  all  that  the  true  ginuine  lords  and  counts 
that  come  out  here  are  as  scarce  as  hen's  teeth — "  (here  the  count 
didn't  seem  to  stand  easy,)  "we  true  Americans,  rale  full-blooded 
Yankees,  don't  care  any  more  for  their  titles  than  we  do  for  the 
stuns  under  our  feet.  It's  only  your  half-blooded  Americans  that 
have  been  baked  over  in  Europe,  and  our  silly  finefied  gals  that 
chase  after  you.  An  honest  straight  for'ard  Yankee  gal  would  take 
you  for  jest  what  you  are  worth  as  men,  and  when  they  du  that, 
T  rather  guess  we  can  pull  an  even  yoke  with  any  of  you  that 
come  from  t'other  side  the  water." 

Here  I  gave  Miss  Miles  a  squint  that  made  her  wilt  like  a  bro 
ken  rose  in  the  hot  sun !  "  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  she,  eenamost  crying, 
"I  beg,  I  entreat,  let  us  walk  on.  See  how  the  people  are 
remarking  us." 

"  "Wai,"  sez  I,  sort  of  mollified,  "  I  aint  doing  nothing  to  bo 
ashamed  on,  am  I  ? " 

"  Oh,  no,"  sez  she,  "  I  didn't  mean  to  say  that." 

"  Wai,  there  aint  nothing  on  arth  that  I  wont  du  to  oblige  a 
harnsome  critter  like  you,"  sez  I,  a  going  round  to  the  other  side 
on  her.  She  gave  me  another  of  her  prime  smiles,  and  that 
iseemed  to  pacify  me.  So  we  all  three  walked  along  together  till 
we  got  agin  the  Astor  House  once  more.  The  Count  lookud  as 
sour  as  a  vinegar  barrel — I  suppose,  because  I  was  detarmined 
to  hang  on,  but  I  kept  a  stiff  upper  lip,  and  marched  down  the 
stun  walk  as  straight  as  a  bean  pole  stuck  up  on  eend.  Miss 
Miles  begun  to  smile  agin,  and  she  talked  to  him  as  sweet  as 
could  be,  but  I  couldn't -make  out  a  word  she  said,  for  she  didn't 
speak  rale  American,  but  every  now  and  then,  jeat  as  I  was  begin 
ning  to  get  rily  about  it,  she  would  turn  her  face  to  me,  and 
pucker  up  her  mouth  so  coaxing,  that  somehow  I  couldn't  git 
right  down  wrathy  if  I  tried  ever  so  much. 

"When  the  Count  saw  that  I  wasn't  to  be  scared  away,  he  jest 
give  me  a  good  long  stare  right  in  the  eyes,  and  then  bending  a 
lutle  for'ard  to  Miss  Miles,  he  lifted  his  hat  about  &n  inch  from 
his  head  and  went  into  the  Astor  House.  I  don't  know  what  on 
arth  could  be  the  matter,  out  the  minit  he  left  us  I  begun  to  feel 


6  HIGH    LIFE    IN   NEW   TORE. 

as  sheepish  as  could  be.  I  didn't  know  what  in  nature  to  talk 
about — so  I  jest  took  my  red  silk  handkercher  and  gave  it  a  flirt 
out  of  my  pocket,  and  then  put  it  back  agin. 

"  Do  you  like  the  smell  of  essence  of  peppermint,  Miss  Miles?" 
eez  I. 

"  I'm  very  fond  of  perfume,"  sez  she. 

"  I  hope  you  didn't  like  the  stuff  that  are  Count  had  on  his 
handkercher,"  sez  I.  "  I  swanny,  It  eenamost  made  me  sick ; 
he  smelt  more  like  a  musk-rat  than  anything  else." 

"You  can't  expect  every  body  to  have  your  taste  in  selecting 
perfumes  for  his  toilet,  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  she,  a  puckering  up  her 
mouth  till  it  looked  like  a  red  clover  top  full  of  honey. 

"  I  swow,  Miss  Miles,  you  look  as  harnsorae  as  a  full  blown  rose 
this  morning,"  sez  I ;  "it  aint  a  mite  of  wonder  that  I  couldn't 
sleep  a  bit  last  night." 

With  that  I  jest  took  a  good  squint  at  her  as  we  went  along, 
for  I  couldn't  think  what  to  say  next.  I  don't  believe  the  things 
she  had  on  cost  one  cent  less  than  fifty  dollars,  enough  to  rig  out 
all  the  gals  in  Weathersfield  with  boughten  finery ;  her  cloak  was 
the  queerest  thing  I  ever  did  see  ;  it  only  reached  jest  down  to 
her  knees,  and  was  made  out  of  rale  silk  velvet.  I  know  it  was 
silk,  for  I  jest  slipped  off  my  yaller  glove,  and  felt  on  it  to  be  sar- 
tin,  as  we  walked  along.  It  was  kinder  purply,  like  the  damsons 
that  grow  in  our  corn  lot,  and  was  loaded  down  with  some  kind 
of  long  fur.  Under  that  she  wore  another  dress  of  black  silk  vel 
vet,  that  shone  in  the  sun  like  a  crow's  back.  The  cloak  had 
great  open  sleeves,  edged  with  fur,  a  hanging  round  her  arms ; 
and  I  could  see  the  corner  of  a  hankercher  a  sticking  out  from 
the  eend  of  her  little  black  muff  jest  enaugh  to  show  how  harn- 
somely  it  was  figger'd  off;  a  bunch  of  red  flowers  was  stuck  agin 
each  side  of  her  face  under  her  bonnet,  and  her  eyes  looked  bright, 
and  her  cheeks  rosy  enough  to  make  a  feller  catch  his  breath. 
The  more  I  looked  at  her,  the  more  uneasy  I  got  about  that 
Count.  I  wanted  to  say  something  to  her  about  him  dreadfully, 
but  some  how  I  didn't  know  what  to  say  first.  I  took  out  my 
hankercher  agin,  and  then  I  wiped  my  nose  and  put  it  back ;  then 
I  begun  to  examine  the  fingers  of  my  yaller  gloves,  to  see  how 
they  stood  the  weather.  Finally,  I  lost  step,  and  it  took  me  three 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  77 

minits  to  get  the  right  hitch  agin ;  at  last  I  bust  ~ght  out,  and, 

6CZ  I 

"  Now,  Miss  Miles,  between  you  and  I  and  the  post,  jest  tell  me 
do  you  raly  care  anything  about  that  are  Count?  " 

She  turned  her  roguish  black  eyes  to  my  face,  and,  sez  she, 
"Why,  Mr.  Slick,  how  can  you  ask  sich  a  question?  " 

"  Now  that's  Yankee  all  over,"  sez  I,  "  you  aint  told  me  yet : 
only  asked  me  another  question  to  match  mine." 

"  What  do  you  want  to  know  for?"  sez  she,  sort  of  softly. 

"  Oh,  not  much  of  anything ;  I  should  kinder  like  to  know, 
that's  all,"  sez  I.  With  that,  think  sez  I,  I'll  try  and  make  her 
jealous  a  leetle,  and  sez  I, — 

"Do  you  know,  Miss  Miles,  that  they've  been  a  printing  my 
picter  clear  off  in  Michigan  and  down  in  Cincinnati  ?  I  guess  I 
shall  go  out  there  one  of  these  days  and  see  how  I  like  the  folks 
out  West,  I  begin  to  git  eenamost  tired  of  York."  I  warn't 
wrong ;  that  brought  her  to  her  senses  purty  quick. 

"  You  don't  really  intend  to  leave  the  city,"  sez  she,  a  looking 
at  me  as  arnest  as  could  be. 

"  Wai,  I  don't  know,"  sez  I,  "  them  Western  editors  want  me 
to  come  dreadfully.  One  on  'em  sent  me  word  that  they  had  a 
grist  of  harnsome  gals  in  his  State." 

"  Is  the  picter  out  West  so  very  well  painted?"  sez  she. 

u  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  it's  a  purty  good  likeness,  considering  it  was 
took  in  my  old  clothes,"  (and  with  that  I  took  out  the  paper  and 
I  showed  it  to  her.  "  I  ruther  think  it  will  be  best  for  me  to  go 
on  there,"  sez  1,  a  putting  up  the  picter;  "that  are  Count  will 
think  I  want  to  cut  him  out,  I'm  afeard." 

I  looked  straight  at  her  as  I  said  this,  but  she  begun  to  smootli 
down  the  fur  on  her  muff  with  her  little  hand,  and  when  she  did 
speak  I  had  to  bend  my  head  down  to  hear  -w>>at  she  was  a 
saying. 

Afore  I  could  make  out  what  she  meant  to  say,  a  couple  of 
harnsome  young  gals  cum  along  and  they  stopped  as  if  they  were 
tickled  to  death  to  see  her ;  I  thought  there  warn't  much  chance 
for  me  to  git  another  word  in  edgeways;  so  I  cut  for  the, office 
and  left  them  a  talking  as  they  went  along. 

Think  sez  I,  as  I  was  a  going  along  through  the  Park,  arter  all, 


"8  HIGH    LIFK    151    NEW   YORK. 

human  natur  is  purty  much  the  same  in  all  places.  I  don't  see 
as  there's  much  difference  between  our  gals  there  in  "Weathers- 
field,  that  wear  calico  frocks  and  straw  bonnets,  and  these  York 
jftippies  that  go  out  all  furbelowed  off  in  their  silks  and  satins. 
They  are  six  of  one  and  half  a  dozen  of  t'other  the  world  over. 
If  it  hadn't  been  for  that  are  Count  I  should  not  have  been  much 
at  a  loss  to  know  how  to  take  Miss  Miles.  When  a  gal  begins  to 
talk  down  her  throat,  and  fingers  her  muff  as  she  did,  it's  a  purty 
sure  symptom  that  there'll  be  a  change  of  weather  in  her  heart 
afore  long,  but  somehow  that  tarnal  Count,  consarn  him,  put  me 
all  out  on  my  natural  reckoning.  But  who  cares?  sez  I  to 
myself.  I'll  bet  a  cookey  if  there  warn't  but  two  men  in  the 
world,  and  them  were  that  darned  feller  and  Jonathan  Slick,  and 
she'd  got  to  marry  one  or  t'other,  she  wouldn't  be  long  a  making 
up  her  mind  whether  to  take  a  chap  for  what  he's  got  in  his 
head  or  for  the  hair  that  grows  outside  on  it ;  for  a  gal  with  half 
an  eye  might  see  that  when  a  feller's  brains  all  run  to  hair,  he 
can't  have  much  sense  left. 

But  when  these  fellers  are  so  chased  after  by  all  the  gals,  there 
is  no  saying  what  kind  of  a  chance  a  plain,  honest  chap  like  me 
might  have  among  'em.  But  any  how,  I'll  try  my  luck  to 
morrow,  for  if  I  don't  go  tu  see  her  I  shall  be  sick  abed,  that's 

sartin. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  VHI. 
The  Morning  Call — A  Coquette's  Dressing  Room. 

DKAE  PAE  : 

Arly  the  next  morning,  I  got  up  and  put  on  my  new  clothes 
agin,  and  sot  afore  the  fire,  thinking  of  eenamost  every  thing  on 
arth,  till  the  clock  struck  nine ;  then  I  slicked  down  my  hair  a 
leetle,  and  pulled  foot  up  Broadway  agin.  I  kinder  expected 
every  minit  that  I  should  meet  Miss  Miles,  as  I  did  yesterday ; 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  79 

Dnt  somehow  there  didn't  seem  tu  be  any  body  a  stirring.  There 
warn't  a  single  one  of  them  whiskered  chaps  in  sight,  and  all  the 
women-folks  that  I  could  see,  up  or  down,  seemed  tu  haye  on 
nothing  but  their  everyday  clothes.  I  saw  tew  or  three  rale 
homespun,  modest-looking  young  critters,  but  they  warn't  dressed 
up,  and  some  on  'em  were  a  carrying  band-boxes  and  sich  things 
afore  them.  Once  I  got  allfired  wrathy,  for  a  nigger  woman 
stood  out  on  the  stun  sido-walk  with  a  great  long  brush  in  her 
hand,  a  scrubbing  the  winders  of  a  big  house  with  it ;  and  jest  as 
I  come  along,  she  give  the  brush  a  flourish,  and  sent  a  hull 
thunder-shower  of  dirty  water  all  over  my  new  clothes. 

"You  etarnal  black  nigger,  you!  you'd  better  look  out,  and 
keep  your  soap-suds  for  them  that  wants  washing,"  sez  I. 

But  she  hee-he'd  out  a  larfin,  and  begun  tu  brush  away  agin 
jest  as  if  I  hadn't  said  a  word  tu  her.  Think  sez  I,  it  wouldn't 
be  jest  the  thing  for  any  body  tu  see  me  a  jawing  here  with  a 
nigger  wench,  so  I  may  as  well  grin  and  bear  it,  for  I  don't  know 
of  anything  that  proves  a  feller  a  leetle  soft  in  the  garret,  so 
much  as  keeping  up  a  quarrel  with  a  person  that  is  so  much 
beneath  him  that  there  aint  nothing  tu  be  gained,  though  you  du 
git  the  upper  hand.  So  I  choked  in,  and  took  out  my  hankercher 
and  wiped  off  my  coat-sleeves,  and  went  along ;  but  it  warn't  no 
easy  matter  tu  navigate  so  as  not  tu  git  a  second  ducking,  for 
every  nigger  in  York  seemed  to  be  out  a  washing  winders.  I 
come  near  slipping  up  tew  or  three  times,  the  stuns  were  so  wet 
afore  all  the  housen.  I  can  tell  you  what,  this  going  tu  make 
morning  calls  ain't  no  joke,  especially  if  a  feller  happens  tu  be 
dressed  up.  The  niggers  will  sponge  his  coat  for  him,  if  the 
tailor  forgot  tu,  without  charging  him  for  the  trouble. 

Jest  afore  I  got  up  tu  the  great  four-story  house  where  Miss 
Miles  lives,  I  begun  to  feel  sort  of  anxious  agin.  Think  sez  I, 
what  on  arth  shall  I  say  tu  her  when  I  du  get  there  ?  So  I  kept 
a  thinking  over  a  capital  leetle  speech  that  I  i>ieant  tu  make. 
I'd  read  in  story-books  about  lovers .  that  always  went  down  on 
their  knees  when  they  talked  soft  sodder  to  sich  etuck-up  gals  83 
Miss  Miles ;  but  tu  save  my  life,  I  couldn't  make  up  my  mouth 
to  it ;  the  gal  must  be  something  more  than  common  flesh  and 
blood  that  would  evjr  bring  Jonathan  Slick  on  his  marrow  bones, 


80  HIGH    LIFK    IN    NEW    YOKE.. 

I'm  thinking ;  so  if  she  calculates  that  I'm  a  going  to  make  such 
a  mean  coot  of  myself  as  that,  why  she  may  gc  to  grass  for 
what  I  care. 

Besides,  sez  I  tu  myself,  how  on  arth  would  I  kneel  down  in 
these  new-fashioned  trousers,  if  I  wanted  tu  ever  so  much ;  when 
arter  putting  one  thing  and  another  together,  I  made  up  my 
mind  that  kneeling  down  tu  the  gals  must  have  gone  out  of 
fashion  here  in  York  when  the  chaps  give  up  wearing  them 
trousers  puffed  in  at  the  waistbands.  This  kinder  made  my  mind 
easy  on  that  point ;  so  I  went  on  thinking  over  what  I  should 
say  tu  Miss  Miles  when  I  got  tu  her  house. 

Now  it  ain't  no  ways  hard  to  make  first-rate  speeches  up  in  a 
feller's  head,  when  he's  a  going  tu  see  a  gal  that  he's  a  beginning 
tu  take  a  shine  arter ;  but  somehow  the  worst  on  it  all  is,  a  chap 
al'ers  forgets  every  word  on  it  when  he  comes  where  the  gal  is. 

I  begun  to  grow  awful  uneasy  jest  afore  I  got  to  the  house, 
and  my  heart  sot  to  beating  in  my  bosom,  like  the  pestle  in  an 
old  fashioned  samp  mortar.  It  seemed  to  me  as  if  somebody 
was  a  looking  arter  me,  and  as  if  they  knew  that  I  was  going  a 
courting  in  broad  daylight,  which  was  enough  to  make  any 
decent  chap  look  sheepish  that  had  never  thought  of  making  up 
k>  the  gals  only  on  a  Sunday  night  arter  dark,  when  these  things 
*eem  to  come  nat'ral. 

Wai,  when  I  got  agin  the  house,  I  took  a  squint  up  to  the 
winders,  for  I  thought  inebby  Miss  Miles  would  be  a  looking  out ; 
but  there  warn't  nobody  to  be  seen,  so  I  went  up  the  wide  mar 
ble  steps,  that  looked  as  white  as  snow,  with  a  great  chunk  of 
marble  a  curling  down  each  side  on  'em,  and  there  I  stood  stock 
still,  for  my  heart  floundered  about  so  that  it  eenainost  choked 
me,  and  if  I'd  been  hung  I  couldn't  a  got  up  pluck  to  pull  the 
silver  knob  and  make  somebody  come  and  let  me  in  ;  for  all  tho 
York  people  keep  their  doors  fastened  in  the  day  time,  so  that  if 
a  feller's  in  ever  so  much  of  a  hurry,  he's  gut  to  stand  out  doors 
till  a  nigger  conies  to  let  him  in. 

By-am-by  a  black  gal  stuck  her  head  up  from  under  the  steps, 
%s  if  she  was  a  going  tu  speak ;  so  I  turned  my  back  to  the  door, 
and  stuck  both  hands  in  my  pockets  and  began  to  whistle,  as  in 
dependent  as  could  be,  jest  to  let  her  see  that  I  didn't  feel  anxious 


BY    JONATHAN    SUCK.  81 

to  get  in.  Arter  that  I  went  down  ihe  steps  agin,  jest  giving  a 
leetle  touch,  of  Yankee  Doodle,  sort  of  easy,  as  I  walked  up  and 
down  on  the  stun  walk  afore  the  house,  a  trying  to  git  up  courage. 
At  last  a  gal  come  to  the  door  with  a  tin  hasin  in  her  hands,  and 
begun  to  scour  the  silver  knobs  so ;  I  jest  went  right  up  the  steps 
agin  like  a  house  a  fire,  and  sez  I  to  the  gal — 

"  Is  Miss  Miles  tu  hum  ?" 

She  kinder  stared  at  me,  as  if  she  was  a  going  to  ask  what  I 
wanted,  but  I  warn't  a  going  to  stand  there  a  talking  to  her,  so 
I  jest  pushed  ahead,  and  went  into  the  entry  way.  There  warn't 
nobody  there,  but  one  of  the  mahogany  doors  that  opened  on 
one  side  was  wide  open,  and  I  went  in. 

If  any  thing,  the  two  great  rooms  was  more  harnsome  than 
them  at  Cousin  Beebe's :  the  footstools  and  the  settees  and  the 
chairs  were  all  kivered  with  shiny  red  velvet,  figgered  off  like  all 
natur ;  but  they  stood  about  over  the  carpet  every  which  way. 
Two  or  three  little  stun  tables  stood  out  in  the  middle  of  the 
room ;  one  on  'em  was  kivered  with  decanters  and  wine  glasses, 
and  some  of  the  books  lay  all  kivered  with  gold,  a  glittering  and 
shining  on  the  carpet.  The  grates  were  all  lined  with  solid  silver, 
but  there  warn't  a  spark  of  fire  in  either  on  'em  yit,  and  the 
ashes  lay  all  scattered  out  over  the  stun  hearths  as  thick  as  could 
be.  A  part  of  the  great  silk  winder  curtains  were  hitched  up, 
and  the  rest  on  'em  fell  clear  down  to  the  floor  over  the  winders, 
till  the  sunshine  that  come  a  pouring  through  them  looked  as 
light  and  red  as  a  hundred  glasses  full  of  currant  wine.  Thinks 
I,  what  on  arth  has  become  of  all  the  folks  ?  One  would  think 
that  they  hadn't  eat  breakfast  yit,  by  the  looks  of  things ;  yit 
that  couldn't  be,  for  by  that  time  it  was  eenamost  ten  o'clock, 
and  any  body  that  has  the  least  idee  of  gitting  a  living  won't 
wait  arter  six  for  his  breakfast. 

Wai,  arter  wandering  about  the  rooms  a  good  while,  I  went 
into  the  entry  way  agin ;  by  that  time  the  gal  that  Fd  seen  at 
the  door  had  got  up  on  a  chair,  and  was  a  hauling  down  a  great 
round  glass  thing,  which  was  hung  by  a  sort  of  chain  up  to  the 
ruff  of  the  entry.  "When  she  see  me  a  coming  out  of  the  two 
rooms,  she  yelled  out  as  if  she  didn't  know  that  I  was  there 
afore. 

6 


82  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

"  What  do  you  want  here  ?"  sez  she,  as  impendent  as  could  be. 

"  Hold  your  tarnal  yop,  you  critter  you,"  sez  I,  ';  and  jest  tell 
me  where  Miss  Miles  is  ;  I've  come  to  make  her  a  morning  call." 

The  gal  seemed  a  leetle  mortified  by  that,  and  sez  she  to  a  leetle 
stuck  up  cuffy  boy  that  cum  up  stairs  jest  then,  "  Here's  a  gen 
tleman  wants  to  see  Miss  Miles — is  she  up  yet  ?" 

Wai,  now,  think  sez  I,  if  this  York  aint  the  beatumest  place 
that  ever  I  did  see  — there  aint  a  nigger  in  it  but  what's  a  pok 
ing  fun  at  you  or  a  throwing  water  or  some  tarnal  tiling  or 
another.  I  wonder  if  these  leetle  coots  think  I'm  soft  enough  to 
believe  that  an  honest,  harnsome  gal  like  Miss  Miles,  lies  abed  till 
ten  o'clock.  They  don't  stuff  me  up  that  way,  any  how,  if  I  did 
come  from  the  country. 

"  What  name  shall  I  take  up  ?"  sez  the  teinty  cuffy,  "a  bowing. 

"  Oh,  I  haint  parlic'lar,"  sez  I ;  "  you  may  take  up  any  you 
like  best — but  I  wish  you'd  jest  tell  me  where  she  is,  for  I  begiu 
to  feel  eenamost  tuckered  out,  a  walking  and  a  standing  round 
here." 

The  leetle  cuffy  looked  at  the  gal,  and  then  they  both  begun 
to  giggle  and  tee-hee  like  any  thing. 

"  Look  a  here,  you  damination  copper  colored  image  you,"  sez 
I  to  the  nigger,  ''jest  you  step  up  this  minit  if  you  don't  want 
to  git  an  allfired  thrashing!" 

The  poor  leetle  varmint  looked  soared  out  of  a  year's  growth, 
and  sez  he,  as  humble  as  could  be,  "  Who  shall  I  say  wants  to 
eee  Miss  Miles  ?" 

"  Never  you  mind  that."  sez  I,  "  go  ahead,  and  I  guess  she 
won't  be  long  a  finding  out." 

With  that  the  nigger  went  up  stairs,  and  I  arter  him  full 
chisel ;  he  looked  round  as  if  he  wanted  to  say  something  jest  as 
he  stopped  by  a  door  in  the  upper  entry  way  ;  but  I  told  him  to 
go  ahead  and  hold  his  yop,  for  I  warn't  a  going  to  wait  any 
longer.  So  he  rapped  at  the  door  and  somebody  said,  "  Come 
in."  My  heart  riz  in  rny  throat,  for  I  knew  whose  voice  it  was, 
and  I  begun  to  feel  as  if  I'd  pitched  head  for'ard  into  a  mill  dam. 
The  cuffy  opened  the  door,  and  sez  he,  "  Ma'am  here's  a  gentle 
man  that  would  come  up." 

1  heard  somebody  give  a  leetle  scream,  and  with  that  I  jest 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  83 

pushed  the  nigger  out  of  the  way,  and  sez  I,  "  Miss  Miles,   how 
du  you  du  ?" 

I  sniggers,  if  I  didn't  raly  pity  the  poor  gal,  she  looked  so 
struck  up  in  a  heap  ;  but  what  on  arth  made  her  act  so  I  couldu't 
tell  at  fust,  for  I  felt  kinder  streaked  as  if  I'd  done  something  that 
wasn't  exactly  right,  though  I  couldn't  think  what,  and  it  was  as 
much  as  a  minit  afore  I  looked  right  in  her  face.  But  jest  as  I 
lifted  up  my  head,  and  drew  up  my  foot,  arter  making  one  of  my 
fust  cut  bows,  she  stood  jest  afore  me.  By  the  living  hokey,  I 
never  was  so  struck  up  in  my  born  days  !  You  know  what  I've 
told  you  about  Miss  Miles,  about  her  plump  round  form,  her  red 
lips,  and  her  rosy  cheeks.  Well,  I'll  be  darned  if  there  was  one 
of  them  left — I  shouldn't  have  known  her  no  more  than  nothing, 
if  it  hadn't  been  for  her  eyes  and  the  way  she  spoke.  Her  neck 
and  for'ard  that  always  looked  so  white  and  harnsoine,  when  I  see 
her  at  Cousin  Mary's,  and  in  Broadway,  was  as  yaller  as  a  safron 
bag.  There  warn't  the  least  mite  of  red  in  her  face,  and  her 
hair  was  all  frizzley,  and  done  up  in  a  leetle  bunch,  about  as  big 
as  a  hen's  egg  behind !  She  had  on  a  great  loose  awk'ard-looking 
gown,  that  made  her  seem  twice  as  chunked  as  she  used  to,  and 
that  looked  more  like  a  man's  shirt  cut  long  and  ruffled  round 
than  any  thing  else.  It  warn't  any  too  clean  neither,  and  both 
her  leetle  shoes  were  down  to  the  heel. 

There  I  stood  a  looking  at  her  with  all  the  eyes  in  my  head- 
nay  foot  was  drawed  up  tight,  and  my  arms  were  a  hanging 
straight  down,  jest  as  they  swung  back  arter  I'd  made  my  bow. 
I  kinder  seemed  tu  feel  that  my  mouth  was  open  a  leetle,  and 
that  I  was  a  staring  at  her  harder  than  was  manners  for  me. 
But  if  you'd  a  given  me  the  best  farm  in  all  Weathersfield,  I 
couldn't  have  helped  it,  I  was  so  struck  up  in  a  heap  at  seeing  her 
in  sich  a  fix.  I  guess  it  was  as  much  as  two  minits  afore  either 
on  us  said  a  word ;  and,  at  last,  Miss  Miles  turned  to  the  nigger 
as  savage  as  a  meataxe,  and,  sez  she, 

"  Why  didn't  you  show  Mr.  Slick  into  the  drawing  room?" 

u  Oh,  don't  seem  to  mind  it,"  sez  I  a  walking  into  the  room, 
and  a  setting  down  on  a  chair  with  my  hat  between  my  knees, 
I'd  jest  as  livs  set  up  here  as  any  where." 

She  looked  as  if  she'd  burst  right  out  a  crying,  but  at  last  ah« 


84  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

sot  down  and  tried  to  act  as  if  she  was  glad  to  see  mo.  She 
begun  to  make  excuses  about  herself  and  the  room,  and  said  she 
•wasn't  very  well  that  morning,  that  she  took  a  new  book,  and 
sot  down  jest  as  she  was  to  read  it. 

"  Oh,"  sez  I,  "  don't  make  no  excuses ;  it  aint  the  fust  time 
that  I  ve  ketched  a  gal  in  the  suds.  Mann  used  to  say  that  she 
never  looked  worse  than  cpmmon  that  somebody  wasn't  sartin 
to  drop  in." 

u  Will  you  excuse  me  one  instant,  Mr,  Slick,"  sez  she,  a  minit 
arter  I'd  said  this,  and  a  looking  down  on  her  awk'ard  dress,  as 
if  she  couldn't  help  but  feel  streaked  yit. 

"  Sartinly,"  sez  I ;  "  don't  make  no  stranger  of  me." 

"With  that,  she  opened  the  door  and  went  into  a  room  close  by. 
I  jest  got  a  good  peak  into  it  as  she  went  through  the  door,  and 
an  allfired  harnsome  room  it  was.  There  was  a  great  mahogany 
bedstead  a  standing  in  the  middle,  with  a  high  goose  feather  bed 
on  it,  kivered  all  over  with  a  white  quilt  and  great  square  pillows 
all  ruffled  off,  and  the  winder  curtains  were  part  white  and  part 
sort  of  indigo  blue.  I  couldn't  git  a  chance  to  see  what  else 
there  was,  she  shut  the  door  so  quick.  "  By  gracious,"  sez  I  to 
myself,  arter  she  went  out,  "  who  on  arth  would  ever  have 
thought  that  Miss  Miles  was  so  old.  When  I  saw  her  yester 
day,  I'd  a  took  my  Bible  oath  that  she  warn't  more  than  eight 
een,  but  now  I'll  be  choked  if  she  don't  look  as  ancient  as  the 
hills.  If  ever  she  sees  thirty  agin  she'll  have  to  turn  like  a 
crab  and  walk  backwards  five  or  six  years."  What  puzzled  me 
most  was  how  in  creation  she  contrived  to  look  so  young — but  it 
warn't  a  great  while  afore  I  made  it  out  as  clear  as  one  of  Dea 
con  Sykes'  exhortations.  Arter  she'd  gone  out  I  jest  got  up  and 
took  a  sort  of  survey  of  the  room  ;  everything  was  t'other  eend 
up,  helter  skelter  in  it;  there  was  no  eend  to  the  finery  and 
harnsome  furniture,  but  it  don't  make  much  odds  how  extrava 
gant  one  is  a  laying  out  money  if  things  aint  kept  neat  and  snug 
in  their  places.  The  more  things  cost,  the  more  it  seems  to  hurt 
a  feller's  feelings  to  see  them  flung  about  topsy  turvy,  as  they 
were  in  that  room.  I  ruther  think  she  didn't  have  her  company 
up  there  very  often — but  a  gal  that's  got  a  good  bringing  up  will 
bo  jest  as  particular  about  the  place  she  keeps  for  herself,  and 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  85 

•which  company  never  sees,  as  if  it  was  likely  to  be  seen  every 
day  of  her  life. 

I  begun  tu  be  allfired  glad  that  I  didn't  ask  her  to  have  me 
yesterday,  for  if  she'd  been  as  young  as  she  seemed  tu  be,  and  as 
harnsome  as  an  angel,  I  wouldn't  a  had  her  arter  seeing  that 
room  of  her'n.  A  pocket  hankercher,  worked  and  sprigged,  and 
ruffled  off  with  lace,  was  a  lying  on  the  settee,  but  it  was  all 
grimmed  over  with  dirt,  and  looked  as  if  it  would  a  gin  any 
thing  for  a  sight  of  the  wash  tub.  The  carpet  was  as  soft  and 
thick  as  could  be,  and  it  was  all  kivered  over  with  bunches  of 
posies  as  nat'ral  as  life ;  but  there  was  a  great  grease  spot  close 
by  the  fire,  where  somebody  had  upsot  a  lamp,  and  all  around 
the  edges  and  in  the  corners  it  looked  as  if  it  hadn't  been  swept 
for  ever  so  long.  A  chest  of  drawers,  solid,  shiny  mahogany — • 
with  a  great  looking-glass,  swung  between  two  pieces  of  mahogany 
on  the  top,  stood  on  one  side  of  the  room,  and -there,  a  hanging 
over  the  edge  on  'em,  as  true  as  I  live,  were  the  long,  harnsome 
curls  that  I'd  seen  on  Miss  Miles  when  she  was  tu  cousin  Mary's 
party!  Wai,  think  sez  I,  if  this  don't  take  the  rag  off  the  bush! 
What  du  you  think  I  saw  next  ?  A  glass  tumbler  about  half  full 
of  water,  with  three  nice,  leetle,  white  teeth  a  lying  in  the  bot 
tom  on  it!  I  couldn't  help  but  give  a  leetle  whistle  when  I  saw 
them.  Think  sez  I,  it's  jest  as  like  as  not  that  Miss  Miles  wont 
pucker  up  her  mouth  and  smile,  quite  so  much  this  morning  as 
she  did  yesterday,  any  how. 

There  were  two  leetle  china  cups  with  the  kivers  a  lying  down 
by  them ;  one  was  filled  with  white  stuff,  kinder  like  flour,  only 
ruther  more  gritty,  and  t'other  was  full  of  something  that  looked 
as  much  like  rose  leaves  ground  down  to  powder  as  anything.  A 
leetle  chunk  of  cotton  wool  was  stuck  into  it,  but  what  on  arth 
it  was  for,  I  couldn't  make  out.  There  were  two  or  three  silk 
cushions  chuck  full  of  pins,  on  the  drawers,  and  there  was  no 
eend  tu  the  leetle  glass  bottles  all  sprigged  off  with  gold,  a  lying 
round  on  the  mantle-shelf,  as  well  as  on  the  tables  and  the  ehest 
of  drawers. 

In  one  corner  of  the  room  there  stood  a  great  looking-glass,  a 
swinging  between  two  leetle  posts  cut  out  of  mahogany,  and  right 
over  it  two  silk  frocks  were  tumbled  up  together.  I  begun  to 


86  HIGH    LIFK    IN    NEW    YORK. 

finger  them  a  !5etle,  for  somehow  I  felt  curious  tu  know  how  the 
tarnal  cunning  critter  contrived  tu  make  herself  look  so  plump 
and  round.  It  didn't  want  much  cyphering  tu  find  her  out.  The 
tops  of  her  frocks,  both  on  'em,  were  all  stuffed  full  of  something 
soft  that  made  them  stand  out  as  nat'ral  as  life.  I  hadn't  bat 
jest  time  tu  drop  the  frock  and  set  down  agin — looking  as 
innocent  as  if  butter  wouldn't  melt  in  my  mouth — when  Miss 
Miles  come  back  agin.  She'd  put  on  another  frock,  all  ruffled 
off,  and  somehow  or  other,  had  fixed  up  her  hair  so  as  to  look 
ruther  more  ship  shape;  but  she  hadn't  had  time  to  put  herself 
all  together,  though  her  face  did  look  a  leetle  whiter  than  it  did 
when  I  fust  went  in.  There  warnt  a  bit  of  a  hump  on  her  back, 
and  she  was  nat'ral  all  the  way  round  I 

I  felt  ruther  uneasy,  for,  think  sez  I,  it's  jest  as  like  as  not  she'll 
expect  me  to  talk  over  a  leetle  soft  sodder  with  her,  as  I  did  yes 
terday  ;  but  I'll  be  darned  if  it  don't  make  me  sick  tu  think  on  it. 
I  hitched  about  on  my  chair,  and  I  looked  at  every  thing  in  the 
room  but  her,  then  I  took  up  my  hat  and  begun  to  balance  it  on 
my  two  fore  fingers,  and  at  last  sez  I — 

"  Wai,  Miss  Miles,  I  s'pose  I  may  as  well  be  a  jogging." 

"  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,"  sez  she,  a  trying  tu  smile,  but  without 
opening  her  lips  a  bit,  "I  hope  you  won't  make  strangers 
of  us." 

I  let  my  hat  drop,  and  picked  it  up  again. 

"  "What  book  was  that  that  you've  been  a  reading?"  sez  I,  de- 
tarmined  tu  say  something. 

"  Oh,  that's  the  Countess  of  Blessington's  last  work,"  sez  she ; 
41  it's  a  charming  book.  Do  you  like  her  writings,  Mr.  Slick  ?" 

"  Wai,  I  don't  know,"  sez  I;  "I  never  read  any  of  her  books,  but 
it  kinder  strikes  me  that  she  aint  no  great  shakes  herself,  anyhow." 

"Oh,  you  shouldn't  be  censorious,  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  she.  "You 
know  Mr.  Willis  visited  her  and  was  delighted." 

"Wai,  now,"  sez  I,  "it's  my  opinion  that  Mr.  K  P.  Willis 
couldn't  be  over  hard  to  please,  if  a  woman  only  had  a  title  to  her 
name;  but  I  wonder  how  on  arth  he  contrived  tu  git  so  thick 
with  the  quality  over  there  in  England.  I  ruther  think  I  shall 
go  over  there  and  try  my  luck  one  of  these  days,  in  his  way,  they 
seem  to  be  so  taken  up  with  us  Yankees,  but  artcr  all  if  a  feller 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  87 

hks  to  go  over  England  to  let  them  lords  and  editors  puff  him, 
aiore  anybody  will  take  notice  on  him,  he'd  better  take  tu  some 
other  bisness.  There  ain't  a  man  in  all  this  country  that  ever 
wrote  more  genuine  things  than  that  chap  did  when  he  was  a 
leetle  shaver  in  Yale  College,  and  yet  nobody  would  believe  a 
word  on't  till  he  went  off  to  England.  Now  it's  my  opinion  that 
he  never  wrote  anything  arter  he  went  off,  half  so  much  to  his 
credit  as  he  did  afore,  and  when  he  came  here  to  York  from  about 
our  parts,  jest  as  I've  come  now,  if  he  didn't  desarve  tu  be  treated 
well  then,  why  he  don't  now,  that's  sartin.  But  I  used  to  know 
him  down  East,  and  it's  my  opinion  that  he's  a  first  rate,  hull- 
hearted  feller,  and  a  rale  ginuine  poet  tu  boot!  But  I  swanny! 
Miss  Miles,  I  must  be  a  going,  you  hain't  no  idea  how  much  I've 
got  to  du  I" 

With  that  I  got  up  and  made  a  bow.  She  made  a  ourchy, 
and,  sez  she,  "Mr.  Slick,  call  agin,  we  shall  always  be  glad  to 
see  you." 

"Sartinly,"  sez  I;  so  I  made  another  bow  and  cut  stick  down 
stairs  into  the  open  street.  But  if  Miss  Miles  ever  ketches  me 
on  her  premises  again,  she'll  ketch  a  weasel  asleep.  That  Count 
may  marry  her — what  there  is  left  of  her — and  go  to  grass,  for 
what  I  care. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  IX. 

A  New  York  Parvenu. — Jonathan's  Account  of  his  Cousin  Jason 
Slick,  and  how  Jason  was  too  lazy  to  work,  and  got  rich  on  soft 
sodder. — The  dinner  of  a  Connecticut  Coaster. — A  New  York  Coat 
of  Arms,  lions  couchant  and  levant. — Yankee  Ancestry. — The  way 
a  Yankee  speculates,  and  gets  up  States,  Railroads  and  Banks,  by 
soft  sodder. 

DEAB  PAR: 

It  is  eenamost  twelve  o'clock,  jest  arter  New  Years,  and  here 
I  be  as  wide  awake  as  a  night  hawk,  and  a  feeling  purty  con 
siderably  rily  in  the  upper  story.  So  I  believe  itl!  be  about  the 


88  HIGH    LIKE    IX     Ni:\V    YtfKK. 

best  thing  I  can  da  ta  clap  down  and  tell  you  all  about  Now 
Year's  Day  here  in  York. 

Bat  first  I  want  tu  tell  yon  something  about  all  the  "trials  ana 
troubles  that  I've  had  tu  go  through  since  I  wrote  my  last  letter 
— I  don't  believe  there  ever  was  a  human  critter  so  chased  artei 
as  I've  been.  They  talk  about  Cherry  street  not  being  fashion 
able,  but  I'll  be  darned  if  I  believe  there's  a  more  genteel  street 
in  the  city.  It's  the  folks  that  live  in  a  place  that  make  it  gen 
teel  or  not,  and  if  Cherry  street  aint  at  the  top  of  the  mark 
afore  many  more  weeks,  it'll  be  because  I  move  my  office  out  OD 
it,  for  there's  no  eend  to  the  great  shiny  carriages  that  come 
down  and  stop  afore  my  door,  eenamost  every  hour  in  the  day. 
It  raly  does  look  funny  enough  to  see  great  pussey  fellers,  as  big 
as  the  side  of  the  house,  a  sitting  in  them  things  all  bolstered  up 
with  cushions  and  kivered  over  with  skins,  like  a  baby  shut  up 
in  a  go-cart  afore  it  begins  tu  run  alone. 

T'other  day  there  was  one  of  these  fat  chaps  come  into  my 
office,  and  sot  out  tn  make  me  believe  that  he  was  a  sort  of  a 
relation  of  mine.  I  didn't  feel  jest  right,  for  since  I  begun  to 
print  my  letters  in  the  Express  it  beats  all  natur  how  many  rela 
tions,  that  I  never  heard  on  afore,  have  been  a  trying  tu  scrape 
an  acquaintance  with  me.  Wai,  after  a  good  deal  of  beating  about 
the  bush,  this  chap  at  last  made  out  purty  tolerably  clear  that  he 
was  a  kind  of  a  great  toe  cousin  of  our'n,  and  that  he  was  born 
and  brought  up  in  Weathersfield.  He  come  his  soft  sodder  over 
me  mighty  smooth,  and  had  a  good  deal  to  say  about  how  much 
he  thought  of  us  all,  and  how  fond  he'd  been  of  Sam  and  me.  I 
wish  you  could  a  seen  how  he  pnssed  out  his  month  and  breathed 
through  his  nose,  and  what  a  heap  of  pomposity  he  put  on  when 
he  was  a  talking.  He  acted  jest  like  our  old  turkey  gobler,  when 
he  goes  training  the  young  turkeys  round  the  barnyard,  with  his 
wings  feathered  out  and  his  tail  spread.  Wai,  arter  talking  all 
Kinds  of  rigmarole  for  about  an  hour,  he  begun  to  tell  how  hard 
it  was  for  a  young  man  tu  start  in  the  world,  and  git  along  with 
out  somebody  tu  give  him  a  push  up  the  hill,  and  that  it  didn't 
make  much  odds  how  ranch  genius  a  man  had,  or  how  smart  he 
was.  if  he  hadn't  some  rich  and  influential  friend  tu  back 
him  up. 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  69 

"Now,"  sez  he,  "cousin  Slick,"  and  you  can't  think  how 
easy  he  seemed  tu  call  me  cousin;  "you've  done  purty  well 
since  you  come  to  York,  considering  that  you  hadn't  nobody 
to  help  you  along  but  Mr.  Beebe;  but  you  must  git  a  peg 
higher  yit ;  we  must  introduce  you  among  the  aristocracy." 

"The  what?"  sez  I. 

"The  aristocracy,"  sez  he  agin,  strutting  back,  and  poking 
one  hand  down  into  his  trousers'  pocket,  as  if  he  was  a  going  tu 
take  something  out. 

"Wai,  think  sez  I,  I  s'pose  arter  he's  fumbled  about  long  enough, 
he'll  show  me  what  aristocracy  is,  if  he  carries  it  about  in  his 
pocket  like  the  rest  on  'em ;  but  he  only  took  out  a  piece  of 
pinted  gold,  and  begun  to  poke  it  between  his  teeth ;  and  arter 
he'd  got  through,  he  made  out  tu  finish  what  he  was  a  saying. 

"Now,"  sez  he,  "  I  think  I've  seen  Mr.  Beebe  at  the  New  En 
gland  dinner,  and  at  one  or  two  places  of  that  sort  where  one 
meets  almost  every  body,  and  for  a  merchant  that  hasn't  made 
euough  to  leave  off  business,  I  dare/  say  he's  a  very  respectable 
sort  of  a  man,  but  he  don't  exactly  belong  tu  the — the ;  that  is, 
tu  the  class — who— which  I  mean  tu  take  you  inter,  Mr.  Slick  ; 
a  class  that  claim  some  standing  from  their  ancestors — men  of 
family,  that  can  be  traced  back  like  our's,  cousin." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  sort  o'  pleased,  "  I  believe  we  never  had  many 
relations  tu  be  ashamed  on.  Par  always  used  to  say  that  grandpa 
Slick  could  make  about  the  harnsomest  pair  of  cow-hide  boots 
of  any  feller  in  Weathersfield ;  and  as  for  uncle  Josh,  I'd  be 
darned  if  ever  I  saw  his  equal  at  shoeing  a  hos.  .  They  were 
prime  old  chaps  both  on  'em — rale  peelers,  I  can  tell  you.  Now, 
come  tu  think  on  it,  there  was  one  lazy  coot  of  a  feller  that  never 
would  work  for  a  living ;  but  he  went  off  when  I  was  a  little 
shaver,  and  our  folks  don't  know  what  became  of  him.  He 
warn't  much  credit  to  us,  that's  a  fact." 

"  I  don't  know  what  on  arth  made  my  pussey  cousin  get  so 
fedgety  all  tu  once,  but  he  begun  to  hitch  about  in  his  chair,  and 
turned  as  red  as  a  winter  appl3 ;  and,  sez  he — 

"  Cousin  Slick,  this  isn't  the  way  we  gentlemen  prove  that  we 
are  men  of  family.  If  that  was  the  way  we  did  it,  there  aint 
many  men  in  the  country  that  would  go  back  two  generations 


90  HIGH    Ut'K   IN    NKW    YORK. 

without  breaking  their  neck  over  a  lap  stone  or  an  anvil.  NoM 
1  have  taken  a  good  deal  of  pains  to  trace  out  our  family  line, 
and  the  only  way  I  could  du  it  was  to  skip  all  the  mechanics  and 
fanners,  jest  touch  slightly  on  the  merchants,  lawyers  and 
ministers,  but  to  dwell  purty  particularly  hard  on  them  that  lived 
high  and  did  nothing ;  now  a  days  it  helps  a  feller  along  a  good 
deal  if  he  can  count  up  an  author  or  so  ;  and  it  was  considered 
something  of  a  feather  in  a  man's  cap  if  any  of  his  relations 
were  sent  to  Congress  a  few  years  ago ;  but  now,  since  they've 
got  a  kicking  up  a  dust  every  other  day  in  the  Capitol,  and  to 
spitting  fire  at  each  other  like  dogs  and  cats,  it  don't  help  a  man 
much  to  claim  any  of  them  for  connexions  except  here  and  there 
one  that  has  got  decency  enough  to  be  ashamed  of  the  rest.  I 
begin  to  be  glad  that  none  of  our  family  ever  got  into  politics 
much ;  but  step  to  the  door  cousin  Slick,  and  I'll  show  you  the 
coat-of-arrns  that  I've  got  on  my  carriage." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  don't  care  if  I  du,  though  it  comes  kinder 
twugh  to  leave  the  stove  this  cold  day."  With  that  I  tipped 
down  my  chair,  and  took  my  feet  off  from  the  stove  and  went  to 
the  door.  By  gracious  1  but  he  had  a  smasher  of  a  coach  stand 
ing  there.  It  glistened  and  shone  in  the  sun  like  a  house  afire. 
A  great  strapping  nigger  sot  on  a  kind  of  double  chair  with  a 
low  narrer  back,  kivered  over  with  fine  brown  broadcloth,  all 
fringed  and  tossled  off  like  any  thing — and  a  great  bear  skin  was 
hauled  tip  over  his  legs,  all  scolloped  off  with  red  cloth  and  stuck 
over  with  coons'  tails.  The  horses  beat  all  live  critters  I  ever 
did  see ;  they  were  as  black  as  crows,  and  I  couldn't  say  which 
glistened  the  most,  their  tarnal  smooth  coots,  or  the  harness  put 
over  them.  They  were  all  kivered  over  and  sot  out  with  silver. 
The  horses  had  great  yaller  roses  stuck  on  the  sides  of  their 
heads,  like  a  gal  when  she's  dressed  up  for  a  party.  My  pussey 
cousin,  he  opened  the  door,  and  sez  he, 

"Look  a  here,  cousin,  haint  this  purty  well  got  up?" 
I  looked  inside,  and  there  was  a  leetle  sort  of  a  room  about 
big  enough  for  cousin  Beebe  to  put  his  swarry  in,  if  he  wanted 
to  carry  it  abort  with  him.    It  was  all  lined  off  and  stuck  full 
of  cushions,  and  tossled  and  fringed  like  a  curtained  bed.    Tw.- 
h-potled  skins  lay  tumbled  up  in  the  bottom,  and  there  were 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  91 

Beetle  glass  doors  with  steps  to  them  on  both  sides ;  it  raly  waa 
harnsome  enough  to  make  a  feller's  eyes  feel  snow-blind. 

'•  Wai,"  sez  I,  a  1  joking  at  my  pussey  cousin ;  "  this  does  about 
take  the  shine  off  eenamost  all  the  coaches  that  ever  stopped  to 
my  office — and  there's  been  a  grist  on  'em,  I  cap  tell  you,  and 
some  with  tarnal  handsome  ladies  in  them  too." 

"  Yes,"  sez  he,  sort  of  interrupting  what  I  was  going  to  say  ; 
"  but  yon  haint  a  looking  at  the  coat  of  arms — that  is  what  I 
want  you  to  see." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  a  giving  the  nigger  a  purty  general  survey,  that 
*ot  back  of  the  horses  dressed  up  in  sort  of  regimentals,  all  fine- 
tied  off  with  buttons  and  yaller  cloth ;  "  The  coat  is  well  enough 
— I  don't  see  much  to  find  fault  with  in  it,  though  to  own  the 
truth,  Oaptin  Wolf,  of  the  Weathersfield  Independent  Company, 
had  a  training  coat  that  beats  it  all  tu  nothing.  As  for  the  crit 
ter's  arms,  niggers  may  be  different  to  white  people  in  that  way, 
but  I  don't  see  much  odds — mebby  you  mean  this  other  chap's, 
and  his  are  long  enough,  that's  a  fact." 

With  that  I  jest  took  a  good  squint  at  a  great  tall  shote  of  a 
feller,  with  arms  like  a  pair  of  flails  hung  up  arter  threshing. 
lie  was  a  standing  up  back  of  the  coach,  and  a  hanging  on  to  a 
couple  of  great  tossels  fastened  to  it,  as  independent  as  a  monkey 
in  a  show.  His  coat  and  trousers  were  ju?t  like  the  nigger's,  and 
he  had  a  great  wide  band  of  gold  stuff  round  his  hat !  my  pussey 
cousin  only  shook  his  head  when  I  looked  at  the  chap.  The 
nigger  twisted  his  neck  round,  and  the  tall  varmint  stuck  his'n 
up,  and  they  begun  to  grin  and  tee  hee  at  each  other  over  the 
coach. 

"  See  here,  this  is  what  I  mean,"  sez  my  cousin ;  and  his  fat 
cheek  begun  to  grow  red  with  the  cold  or  something.  With  that 
he  put  his  finger  on  a  picter,  all  sprigged  out  with  gold  that 
was  figgered  on  the  door,  and  sez  he,  "  this  is  the  coat  and 
arms." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I've  seen  a  good  many  picters,  but  I  never 
heard  them  called  by  that  name  afore.  I  s'pose  this  is  .some  York 
action  that  you've  picked  up,  aint  it  ?" 

"  It's  the  ginuine  thing,"  sez  he,  "  and  I  paid  a  deal  of  money 
*ur  it,  I  can  tell  j  ou." 


92  HIGH    Lli'K    IX    KhW    YOKX. 

44  "Wai,"  sez  I,  a  looking  at  the  consarn  purty  sl^rp  ;  4l  tliem 
two  critters  a  lying  down  there  cut  a  considerable  of  a  dash, 
that's  a  fact ;  but  the  rooster  on  the  top,  that  are  beats  all.  It's 
so  nat'raL,  it  seems  to  me  as  if  I  could  hear  it  cockadoodledoo 
right  out." 

4'  Yes,"  sez  my  cousin, 4'  that  is  well  done,  aint  it  ?  But  I  pee 
you  don't  exactly  comprehend  the  science  of  heraldry.  Now  all 
these  things  mean  something." 

44  You  don't  say  so !"  sez  I. 

44  These  are  lions  couchant,"  sez  he,  a  pinting  tu  the  wild 
critters. 

44  You  don't  say  so !"  sez  I  agin ;  "  I've  seen  a  good  many  lions 
in  the  shows  that  travel  through  "Weathersfield,  but  I  never  saw 
a  croushong  afore.  They  look  purty  much  alike,  don't  they 
though?" 

With  that  the  two  varmints  stuck  up  at  each  eend  of  the 
carriage  begun  tu  tee  hee  agin,  and  my  pussey  cousin,  sez  he, 
44  Mr.  Slick,  supposing  we  go  in." 

44  Wai,"  sez  I,  "but  if  you'd  jest  as  lives,  I  should  kinder  like 
tu  know  what  the  rooster  means  afore  we  go." 

44  Can't  you  guess  what  part  of  the  Slick  family  that  belongs 
to  ?"  sez  he,  a  strutting  up  and  rubbing  his  hands  together  as 
proud  as  could  be. 

44  Wai,"  sez  I,  44I  don't  know,  without  it  belongs  to  Aunt 
Lydia— par's  old  maid  of  a  sister;  she  sartinly  did  beat  all  natur 
at  raising  chickens.    You  never  heard  of  an  egg  turning  out  rot 
ten,  or  a  duck  gitting  drowned,  on  her  premises." 

With  that  the  two  chaps  giggled  right  out,  and  stuck  their  fists 
into  their  darn'd  great  tatur-traps  as  if  they  felt  a  cold ;  and  my 
pussey  cousin,  sez  he,  4l  it's  a  gitting  cold — less  go  in." 

44  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  don't  care  if  we  du ;  but  I  tell  you  what,  if 
them  two  chaps  don't  jest  liush  up  tlieir  yop,  I'll  give  them  both 
an  allfired  thrashing — I  will,  by  gosh!" 

I  ruther  guess  the  two  mean  critters  hauled  in  their  horns  a 
few  at  this ;  and  arter  I'd  gin  them  both  a  purty  savage  look,  we 
went  into  the  office  agin. 

44  Now,"  sez  my  pussey  cousin,  jest  as  soon  as  we'd  both  sot 
agin,  4'  Cousin  Slick,  I've  found  you  out,  and  I  mean  to  du 


BY   JONATHAN    SUCK  93 

something  for  you — something  harnsome,  you  may  depend  on't. 
Jest  yon  call  up  to  my  house  next  New  Year's  day,  and  git  ac 
quainted  with  my  folks,  and  arter  that  you  needn't  be  consarned 
about  anything.  I'm  purty  well  known  here  in  the  city,  and  my 
relation  can  hold  up  his  head  almost  anywhere,  I  should  think! 
I  was  down  tu  the  Astor  House  t'other  day,"  sez  he,  a  stopping 
to  git  breath  and  stretching  both  his  legs  out  straight,  while  he 
stuck  both  hands  in  his  pockets,  mighty  big,  "  and  there  was  that 
foreign  Count  and  Miss  Miles's  brother  running  on  about  you, 
and  swearing  that  they'd  skin  you  alive  the  first  time  they  caught 
you  in  Broadway ;  but  I  went  up  tu  them,  and  sez  I,  '  that  young 
gentleman  is  a  near  relation  of  mine,  and  anything  you  say  agin 
him,  I  take  tu  myself.'  You  can't  think,  cousin  Jonathan,  what 
an  impression  it  made!  So  you  needn't  have  the  least  fear 
of  what  they  can  du  while  I  stand  by  you — they  know  me." 

With  that,  my  pussey  cousin  got  up — and  arter  he'd  shook 
hands  with  me,  he  went  off,  carriage  and  all.  I  say,  par,  I  wish 
I  could  give  you  some  idee  of  him.  Did  you  ever  see  a  great 
spotted  toad  a  swelling  under  a  harrer,  or  a  turkey  gobbler  jest 
afore  thanksgiving? 

I  say  nothing ;  but  didn't  I  larf  arter  he'd  gone.  The  great 
stuck-up  bear,  with  his  family,  and  his  hens  and  roosters — he  go 
to  grass. 

Wai,  jest  as  soon  as  my  pussey  cousin  had  cleared  out,  I  put  on 
my  hat,  and  streaked  it  down  to  Peck  slip,  for  Captin  Doolittle 
lias  jest  put  in  agin  with  another  load  of  garden  sarce ;  and  think 
sez  I,  mebby  he  can  tell  me  something  about  this  chap,  for  he 
knows  eenamost  everybody  that  ever  lived  anywhere  about 
Weathersfield. 

The  Captin  had  jest  sot  down  to  dinner,  and  was  a  digging 
away  like  all  natur,  at  a  hunk  of  cold  pork  and  a  raw  onion ;  a 
mug  of  something  hot  stood  on  the  locker  afore  him,  and  ho 
looked  like  live,  I  can  tell  you. 

"  Wai,  Jonathan,"  sez  he,  a  looking  kinder  skewing  at  my  new 
trousers,  "  Wont  you  set  by  and  take  a  bite  ?" 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  shoudn't  mind  if  I  did,  but  to-morrow  is 
JSTew  Year's,  and  I've  got  tu  go  and  see  a  hull  heap  of  thejse  York 
gals,  and  I'm  afeard  my  breath  will  smell  of  the  onions." 


94  HIGH   LIFE   IN   NEW   TORE. 

I  wish  you  could  a  seen  how  Captin  Doolittle  stared,  as  h« 
stuck  his  face  close  up  tu  mine,  giving  his  jack-knife  a  grip,  h« 
struck  the  butt  eend  of  it  down  on  the  locker,  and  sez  he, 

"  Jonathan,  they're  a  spiling  you  down  here  in  York,  they  be, 
by  hokey !  Go  hum,  I  tell  you,  and  marry  Judy  White — she 
knows  what's  what,  and  I  can  tell  you  these  York  gals  that  turn 
up  their  noses  at  the  smell  of  onions,  can't  have  decent  bringiug 
~ip  any  how.  They've  sot  you  agin  onions  already,  and  it  wont 
»>e  a  great  while  afore  you'll  turn  agin  your  own  relations." 

"  Now,"  sez  I,  "  Captain  Doolittle,  don't  say  that  are,  it  makes 
ie  feel  bad,  and  I  don't  desarve  it.  A  feller  that  will  let  money, 
rr  a  stuck  up  name,  or  the  handsomest  gal  that  ever  trod  shoe 
.eather  set  him  agin  his  own  father  and  mother,  desarves  tu  be 
kicked  tu  death  by  grasshoppers." 

This  seemed  to  sort  of  mollify  the  captin,  but  he  stripped  the 
peel  off  another  onion  mighty  wrothy,  and  arter  a  minit  sez  he, 
"  Wai,  Jonathan,  I'm  glad  to  hear  that  you've  got  some  of  your 
old  notions  left,  but  I  always  make  a  pint  not  to  talk  when  I'm  a 
eating,  so  if  you  won't  set  by,  why  just  keep  a  stiff  jaw  while  I 
stow  away  another  slice  of  pork  and  this  piece  of  onion,  and  then 
I'm  the  man  for  you." 

With  that  he  went  to  cutting  off  a  chunk  of  pork  and  a  chunk 
of  onion  to  hand  about,  till  it  fairly  made  my  eyes  water  to  see 
him  crunch  them  down.  Arter  a  while  he  wiped  his  jack-knife 
on  his  cuff,  shut  it  tew  with  a  jerk,  and  put  it  in  his  trousers' 
pocket;  then  he  took  a  pull  at  the  mug,  and  arter  he'd  got  along 
nine  purty  well  a  going,  he  stretched  out  his  legs,  and  sez  he : 

"  Wai,  Jonathan,  what  did  you  come  for,  if  you  didn't  want 
nothing  to  eat?" 

With  that  I  sot  down  and  told  him  all  about  my  pussey  cousin. 
I  could  see  that  the  critter  had  heard  on  him  afore  by  the  way 
he  twistejl  his  mouth  around  about  the  long  nine  ;  but  when  I 
told  him  about  the  carriage  and  rooster  and  so  on,  he  jest  took 
and  gave  the  long  nine  a  fling,  clapped  his  thumb  agin  the  side 
of  his  nose,  and  winking  one  eye,  make  his  fingers  t  winkle  up  aivl 
down  for  as  much  as  a  minit  without  saying  a  word ;  arter  n 
while  he  asked  the  critter's  name,  and  when  I  told  him,  he  jump- 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  95 

ed  up,  cut  a  pigeon  wing  over  the  locker,  and  stopping  right  afore 
me,  winked  t'other  eye,  and  sez  he — 

"  Look  a  here,  Jonathan,  didn't  your  par  never  tell  you  about 
Jase  Slick,  the  great  lazy  coon,  that  got  married  and  went  off 
"West,  because  he  was  so  allfired  lazy  that  he  couldn't  git  a  living 
like  other  folks?  Jest  let  me  cool  off  a  leetle,and  I'll  tell  you  all 
about  him." 

With  that  the  Captin  brushed  away  the  onion  skins  and  we  sot 
down  together  on  the  locker,  and  sez  he — "  Mebby  your  par 
never  told  you  what  an  etarnal  lazy  shote  Jase  was,  but  he  did 
beat  all  natur  for  doing  nothing  but  swop  jack-knives  and  pitch 
coppers.  He  was  a  tickler  though  at  trapping  mushrats  and 
shooting  foxes,  and  he  use  to  send  the  skins  down  here  to  York. 
Now  it  aint  common  that  you'll  find  a  lazy  shack  of  a  feller  very 
tight  about  money,  but  Jase  was  as  close  as  the  bark  of  a  tree  ; 
he'd  a  skinned  a  musketoe  any  day  for  the  hide  and  taller.  I 
don't  believe  the  critter  ever  stood  treat  in  his  hull  life;  I  don't, 
by  gracious. 

"AVal,  arter  all,  he  warn't  a  bad  hearted  feller;  but  when  he 
see  that  all  the  gals  turned  up  their  noses  at  him,  and  didn't  give 
him  invites  to  their  quiltings  and  so  on,  he  coaxed  me  to  let  him 
work  his  passage  down  here  to  York.  He  used  to  send  his  skins 
by  me,  and  so  I  kinder  felt  for  him,  and  kept  track  on  him  a  good 
while  arter  he  got  here.  He  did  purty  tolerably  well  at  first, 
considering  who  it  was — he  bought  a  hand-cart,  and  took  people's 
trunks  and  sich  things  up  from  the  steamboats  and  sloops  that 
put  into  Peck  slip ;  but  there  was  too  much  work  about  that  to 
suit  him ;  so  he  got  somebody  to  lend  him  a  little  money  and  sot 
up  a  rum  shop  close  by  the  slip. 

"  Arter  that,"  sez  the  Captin,  a  picking  up  his  long  nine  and  a 
lighting  it,  "  arter  that  I  kinder  lost  track  on  him,  but  somebody 
told  me  that  he'd  swopped  off  his  stock  and  gone  out  West.  Wai, 
two  years  go  by  purty  quick,  you  know,  Jonathan — or  if  you 
don't  know,  you  will,  when  you  git  to  be  as  old  as  I  am — and  I 
couldn't  but  jest  believe  it  was  so  long  since  I'd  seen  the  critter, 
when  I  met  him  smash  in  the  face  one  day  when  I  was  a  scoot 
ing  up  Wall-street,  to  get  specie  for  a  five  dollar  bill.  Graciou? 


Oft  HIGH    MFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

me!  bow  he  was  a  strutting  up  the  side-walk — didn't  he  cut  a 
Bwarth — with  his  shiney  black  coat  and  the  bunch  of  golden  seals 
a  hanging  down  from  his  watch  fob !  He  didn't  seem  to  know 
me  at  fust,  but  I  went  right  straight  up  to  him  and  sez  I — 

" '  Wai,  Jase,  how  do  you  do  ?'  I  never — how  he  did  look ! 
First  he  kinder  held  out  his  hand  a  leetle,  and  then  he  hauled  it 
back  agin,  and,  sez  he,  'how  do  you  du,  sir?'  but  he  seemed  to 
be  all  in  a  twitter.  I  didn't  seem  to  mind  it,  but  I  stuck  my 
hands  in  my  pockets  jest  as  you  do,  Jonathan,  there  in  your  pic- 
ters — and  sez  I — 

"  '  Tough  and  hearty  as  ever.  How  does  the  world  use  you 
about  these  times  ?' 

"  It  was  as  much  as  I  could  du  to  keep  from  larfin  right  out, 
to  see  the  etarnal  pussey  critter  skew  his  head  round  and  look  at 
the  stream  of  men  that  was  a  going  up  and  down  on  each  side  of 
the  way,  as  if  he  was  afraid  that  some  on  'em  would  see  us,  the 
mean  sneaking  coot !  Arter  a  minit  he  sez,  sez  he,  '  Captin,  I'm 
in  a  hurry  now,  but  I  s'pose  you  can  be  found  in  the  old  place. 
Good  morning.' 

"  With  that  he  jest  put  both  hands  under  his  coat  tail,  and 
tilting  it  up  a  leetle,  went  sailing  along  up  the  side-walk  like  a 
prize  hog  jest  afore  killing  time.  I  snorted  right  out  all  I  could 
du  to  help  it.  Then  I  bent  down  my  knees  a  leetle,  and  stuck  my 
hands  down  hard  in  both  pockets,  and  I  ruther  guess  the  whistle 
I  sent  arter  him  made  all  the  folks  stare  a  few.  It  wasn't  good 
manners,  but  I  sarved  him  right.  Jonathan,  I'd  been  a  friend  to 
the  critter  when  he  wanted  one  bad  enough,  and  any  man  on 
arth  that's  ashamed  of  his  acquaintances  because  he's  got  a  peg 
above  them  in  the  way  of  money  is  a  coward  and  a  mean 
shote, — there's  no  two  ways  about  that. 

"  Wai,  arter  seeing  Jase  in  the  street  so  stuck  up,  I  jest  in 
quired  a  little  about  him,  what  he'd  been  a  doing  and  so  on ;  and 
arter  a  while,  I  found  out  what  made  him  so  mighty  obstropor- 
ons.  You  see  he'd  found  out  it  warn't  so  easy  tu  git  a  living  in 
York  without  doing  some  kind  of  work,  so  he  absquatelated,  as 
they  say  down  here — but  I  don't  think  that's  a  ginuine  word— 
and  went  off  West. 

"  There  he  mushquashed  round  in  the  woods  till  he  got  tired 


BY    JONATHAN    SMCK.  97 

of  that  kind  of  fun,  and  then  he  squat  down  on  a  section  of  wild 
land,  cogitating  a  way  tu  git  a  living  without  grubbing  for  it. 
Arter  a  while  he  went  round  to  all  the  places  that  had  any  peo 
ple  to  brag  on,  and  put  up  to  the  taverns,  and  told  every  body  he 
met  there  about  the  spot  where  his  land  lay — what  capital  land 
it  was — what  good  water  and  allfired  heavy  timber.  He  sent 
here  tu  York  and  got  him  a  map  all  pictured  out  chuck  full  of 
water  privileges  and  all  sorts  of  things,  till  he  raly  made  the 
people  believe  that  he'd  found  the  very  spot  where  the  millinium 
was  a  going  tu  begin ;  a  place  where  every  holler  tree  was  stuck 
full  of  honey  comb,  where  the  wild  cats  went  pouring  about 
like  so  many  rabbits,  and  the  hen  hawks  cum  down  as  kind  as 
could  be  to  tu  help  the  hens  feed  their  little  chickens. 

"Wai,  it  warn't  long  afore  his  soft  sodder  begun  to  work 
among  the  greenhorns  like  yeast  in  a  kneading  trough  full  of 
dough.  Jonathan,  if  you  ever  see  a  flock  of  sheep  shut  up  in  a 
paster,  you  know  something  worth  while  about  human  natur. 
The  minit  one  takes  it  into  his  head  to  clear  the  stun  wall  for 
another  lot,  the  others  all  foller  hilter  skilter,  as  if  the  old  Harry 
had  kicked  them  on  eend.  Your  Cousin  Jase  knew  a  thing  or  two 
about  the  natur  of  mankind — he  got  the  first  sheep  to  make  a  jump, 
and,  hurra !  it  warn't  no  time  before  his  section  was  all  cut  up  into 
town  lots,  and  grist  mills  whirling  three  stuns,  wherever  there 
was  a  quart  of  water  tu  make  them  go ;  and  there  was  no  eend 
to  the  corduroy  roads  and  log  bridges,  and  great  kivered  wag 
gons,  chuck  full  of  women  and  children  and  other  housen  stuff1, 
•with  baskets  and  brass  kittles  a  hanging  on  behind,  that  trav 
elled  over  them  eenamost  from  one  year  tu  another.  When 
folks  began  tu  wonder  what  on  arth  he'd  du  next,  the  critter  got 
his  territory  transmogrified  into  a  State,  and  then  he  sot  rail 
roads  a  twistyfying  every  which  way  all  through  his  lands ;  and 
that  made  things  rise  in  value  like  a  toad  stool  in  a  hot  night. 

"  By  the  living  hokey,  the  critter  wasn't  content  with  this,  but 
he  got  another  kink  into  his  head  that  did  beat  all.  One  way  or 
t'other,  I  don't  know  how,  he  got  all  his  land  and  railroads  and 
so  on,  worked  up  into  pieces  of  paper  that  they  call  scrip ;  he 
jundled  them  all  into  his  great  coat  pocket  and  come  down  tp 
t 


08  HIGH   LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

York  again.  And  in  less  than  no  time  he  had  the  scrip  all  cat 
up  into  these  red-backed  bills  with  picters  on  'em,  that  they  offer 
here  in  York  for  money — then  he  sot  up  a  bank  on  hi*  owu  hook, 
where  he  keeps  a  making  money  hand  over  fist.  He  has  a  good 
chance,  I  tell  you,  for  he  owns  all  in  the  bank ;  so  he's  President, 
Cashior,  and  everything  else,  all  himself,  and  arter  all  his  lazi 
ness,  he's  worth  an  allfired  grist  of  money  considering  how  ha 
got  it." 

I  swanny,  I  couldn't  hardly  keep  still  while  Captin  Doolittle 
was  a  talking.  I  felt  all  over  in  a  twitter,  and  my  mouth  would 
keep  a  sort  of  open  with  thinking  so  eager  of  what  he  was  a 
aaying.  The  miuit  he'd  done  I  jumped  up  and  hollered  right  out- 

"  Hurra,"  sez  I,  "  if  that  aint  Yankee  all  over.  I  haint  the 
least  doubt  now  but  the  critter  is  jest  what  he  says  he  is — Slick 
to  the  back  bone.  Do  you  s'pose  there  is  any  animal  on  arth 
besides  a  full-blooded  Connecticut  Yankee  that  would  have  gone 
that  way  to  get  rich — all  soft  sodder  and  no  work  ?  I  tell  you 
what  it  is,  captin,  I'm  raly  proud  tu  own  the  critter.  He's  done 
some  good  in  his  day  and  generation,  if  he  is  so  stuck  up ;  for  it 
aint  in  the  natnr  of  things  for  a  feller  to  git  rich  himself  without 
making  a  good  many  others  better  off.  To  help  himself  a  great 
deal  a  chap  must  help  others  a  little,  that's  my  notion." 

"Yes,"  sez  the  captin,  "but  it's  an  etarnal  shame  for  these 
chaps  tu  curl  up  their  noses  at  honest  men." 

"  Jest  so,"  says  I. 

"With  that  I  put  on  ray  hat,  and  was  jest  a  going  to  cut  stick — 
but  Captin  Doolittle,  sez  he — 

"  Look  a  here,  Jonathan,  if  I  was  you,  I'd  make  this  chap  pay 
over  a  little  of  his  chink,  or  else  I  wouldn't  ride  about  with  him 
— I  wouldn't,  by  gracious !  He's  tickled  tu  death  -tn  get  hold  of 
a  chap  like  you  to  brag  on ;  for  now  that  he's  got  rich,  you  haint 
no  idee  how  anxious  ho  is  to  make  people  think  he  knows  some 
thing  and  always  did.  He  talks  about  his  aristocracy.  The  men 
of  genius  and  talons  make  the  real  aristocracy  in  this  country, 
and  he's  in  hopes  of  getting  among  'em  by  claiming  relationship 
with  you  because  you  write  for  the  papers.  Supposing  you  ask 
film  to  lend  you  a  couple  of  thousand  dollara." 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  99 

"No,"  sez  I,  "  I'll  be  darned  if  I  du.  If  I  can't  cut  my  own 
fodder  I'll  go  hum  agin." 

"Wai,"  sez  the  Captin,  "mebby  you  can  git  him  tu  help  you 
print  your  letters  in  a  book.  Your  par  would  be  tickled  tu 
death  if  you  could  print  a  book  like  that  Sam  writ." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  sort  o'  proud,  "  there  needn't  be  no  hurry  about 
that  are ;  but  if  I  du  print  one,  and  it  can't  pay  its  own  expenses 
and  a  leetle  over,  it  may  go  tu  grass !" 

With  that  I  bid  Captin.  Doolittle  good-bye,  and  made  tracks 
for  my  office  agin. 


LETTEE  X. 

New-Year's  Calls — A  real  Yankee's  New- Year's  Treat  of  Dough-nuts 
and  Cider  — Jonathan's  ideas  of  the  real  difference  between  a  real 
lady's  House  and  Furniture  and  the  House  of  a  stuck-up  Parvenu 
— Jonathan's  ideas  of  Love  and  Ladies. 

DEAR  PAR: 

I  made  a  leetle  inquiry  about  how  people  did  a  New  Year's 
Day,  and  found  out  that  it  was  the  fashion  for  the  wimmen  tu 
stand  treat  that  day,  to  set  out  things,  and  invite  everybody  that 
come  tu  take  a  bite.  So  arly  in  the  morning  I  put  a  clean  white 
towel  on  the  leetle  table  in  my  office.  Then  I  went  into  the 
cubby  house  room,  where  I  keep  my  new  clothes  and  kindling 
wood,  besides  my  tooth  brush  and  sich  things  as  I  don't  want  to 
use  every  day,  and  I  drew  a  quart  mug  of  that  outrageous  good 
cider,  that  you  sent  me  by  Captin  Doolittle.  I  guess  I  looked 
like  live  when  I  went  out  agin,  with  the  rnng  brimming  over  in 
one  hand,  and  the  pillow-case  stuffed  full  of  dough-nuts,  that 
marm  sent  me  t'other  day — besides  the  hunk  of  cheese,  and  the 
lot  of  baked  sweet  apples,  tucked  under  t'other  arm.  I  heaped 
up  a  pile  of  the  dough-nuts  on  one  corner  of  the  table,  and  sot 
the  apple-box  on  the  other,  an  made  room  for  the  cheese  and  the 
cider  in  the  middle ;  and  it  raly  made  me  feel  sort  of  bad  because 
marm  couldn't  see  how  nice  I'd  fixed  it  all.  Think  sez  I,  there 
wont  be  many  people  in  York  that'll  set  a  better  treat  afore  their 


100  HIGH    LIFE    INT    \KW    YORK. 

visfters  than  th.s  I  reckon,  any  how,  and  as  marra  aint  here  I'll 
stand  treat  to  every  body  that  comes  in  for  her  sake. 

"Wai,  who  should  be  the  fust  critter  that  come  in  but  cousin 
John  Beebe,  tu  see  what  I  was  a  going  tu  du  with  myself  all  day. 
Arter  I'd  sot  him  a  chair  by  the  stove,  I  went  up  to  the  table, 
and  sez  I, 

"  Cousin  John  supposing  we  take  a  drink  ;  it's  an  allfired  cold 
day,  and  you  look  as  if  you  couldn't  stand  it."  My  gracious,  but 
didn't  his  eyes  snap  when  he  saw  what  I'd  got.  I  mixed  the 
cider  up,  purty  hot  with  ginger,  and  then  I  sot  it  on  the  stove, 
and  kept  a  stirring  on  it  up  with  a  little  ivory  thing  that  a  purty 
gal  sent  me  tu  fold  my  letters  with  ;  it  begun  to  foam  and  sparkle 
like  anything ;  then  I  took  a  sip  jest  to  try  it,  and  handed  the 
mug  over  to  cousin  John. 

"  Here,"  sez  I,  "  take  a  swaller ;  it  aint  like  the  pesky  stuff 
you  give  me  when  I  eat  dinner  up  to  your  house.  Instid  of 
kicking  up  a  dust  in  your  tipper  story,  it  goes  tu  the  right  spot 
tu  once,  and  makes  a  feller  feel  prime  all  over  in  a  giffy."  I 
ruther  seem  to  think  that  cousin  John  warn't  much  afeanl  of  the 
mug  anyhow ;  he  gave  a  sneezer  of  a  pull  tu  it,  and  then  his 
eyes  begun  to  glisten,  and,  sez  he — 

"I'm  beat,  Jonathan,  if  this  aint  prime;  whereon  arth  did 
you  find  it  ?  I've  sarched  from  one  ecnd  of  York  tu  t'other  for 
it  a  dozen  times,  but  never  made  out  tu  get  a  drop  yit."  With 
that  he  sot  into  it  agin  like  all  natur.  "  I  declare,"  sez  he,  agin, 
choaking  off  long  enough  tu  ketch  his  breath,  "  this  does  taste 
nat'ral." 

"  Aint  it  the  rale  critter?"  sez  I,  a  bending  for'ard  and  rubbing 
both  hands  together  a  leetle  easy.  "  It  eenamost  make  me  hum- 
sick  when  I  first  tasted  on  it,  it  put  me  so  in  mind  of  Weathers- 
field.  Par  sent  me  a  whole  cag  on  it,  by  Capt.  Doolittle." 

"  Then  it  did  come  from  the  old  humstid  ?"  sez  he,  a  eying  the 
mug  agin — "I  must  drink  a  leetle  more,  for  the  sake  of  them 
that  sent  it."  With  that,  he  jest  finished  up  the  mug ;  and  when 
he  sot  it  down,  he  drew  a  long  breath,  and  sez  he  agin,  "  that's 
prime,  Jonathan." 

"Aint  it,"  sez  I,  starting  off  tu  fill  up  the  mug  agin,  for  it 
tickled  me  tu  see  how  he  took  tn  the  drink,  and  how  much  ho 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  101 

made  himself  tu  hum  in  my  office.  When  I  cum  out  of  the 
leetle  room  agin,  John  he  looked  sort  of  eager  at  the  mug,  ani 
then  at  the  eatables  laid  out  so  tempting. 

"  I  declare,"  sez  he,  "  I  begin  tu  feel  as  I  use  tu  when  we  were 
boys,  Jonathan."  With  that  I  sot  the  table  between  us,  and  the 
way  we  laid  into  the  provinder  was  a  compliment  to  marm. 
Arter  cousin  Beebe  had  eat  ten  of  the  doughnuts,  and  a  hunk 
of  cheese  as  big  as  your  fist,  he  stopt  short,  and  sez  he — 

"  Cousin,  this  wont  du ;  if  we  keep  on  eating  as  much  as  we 
want,  we  shan't  find  room  for  all  the  eatables  and  drinkables  that 
the  folks  will  give  us  to-day,  when  we  make  our  calls." 

"  Look  a  here,  cousin  Beebe,"  sez  I,  kinder  anxious,  "  you  know 
I'm  a  sort  of  a  greenhorn  about  New  Year's,  for  we  don't  have 
no  sich  things  over  amongst  us.  Supposing  you  jest  tell  me  how 
they  act  and  soon.  I  don't  want  tu  make  a  coot  of  myself; 
and  that  pussey  cousin  of  mine  is  a  coming  tu  take  me  round  in 
his  carriage,  where  I  suppose  he  means  tu  stick  me  up  like  a 
swarry  for  folks  tu  look  at ;  and  if  I  don't  du  everything  accord 
ing  to  gunter,  he'll  be  turning  red  and  fussing  about  like  an  old 
hen  that's  got  ducks  for  chickens.  What  on  arth  shall  I  say  to 
the  gals,  and  what  will  they  expect  me  to  du  ?" 

Cousin  Beebe  he  sot  still  a  minit,  kinder  nibbling  away  at  the 
end  of  a  dough-nut,  for  he  seemed  mortal  loth  to  choke  off,  and 
at  last  sez  he — 

"  When  you  come  tu  a  house  where  you  want  tu  call,  jest  go 
into  the  room  where  the  ladies  will  be  a  waiting  tu  see  folks, 
and  arter  a  while  they'll  ask  you  to  take  some  refreshments : 
with  that  they'll  go  up  tu  a  table  where  there's  wine  and  so  on, 
if  they  hain't  teetotalists,  and  if  they  be " 

"  It  don't  make  no  odds  tu  tell  me  how  they  act,"  sez  I,  "  for 
I  don't  call  on  anybody  that  sets  up  to  be  wiser  than  our  Savior ; 
he  turned  water  into  wine,  and  when  I  set  up  tu  be  better  than 
him,  I'll  turn  up  my  nose  at  it,  but  not  afore.  I  wish  you  could 
a  heard  par  argufy  that  question  with  the  ministers.  I  rather 
guess " 

Here  cousin  Beebe  sot  in,  and  sez  he,  "  Well,  jest  fill  up  a 
glass  for  the  lady  about  half  full,  not  a  drop  more,  then  pour  out 
a  glass  for  yourself " 


102  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

"  What,  full  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Sartinly,"  sez  he. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  that  seems  kinder  hoggish  tu  give  yourself 
more  tlian  you  du  to  the  lady ;  I  don't  seem  tu  like  that." 

"  It's  the  fashion,"  sez  he. 

"  01),  is  it  ?"  sez  I ;  "  wal  I  think  as  like  as  not  they  know  how 
to  help  themselves  arter  a  feller's  gone.  I  always  notice  that  the 
gals  that  are  so  mighty  stuck  up  as  if  they  couldn't  swaller  any 
thing  but  air  before  folks,  stuff  like  all  natur  back  of  the  pantry 
door." 

John  larfed  a  leetle  as  if  he  agreed  with  me,  and  sez  he, 
"  Never  mind  that  now,  but  when  you've  poured  out  the  wine, 
jest  step  back  and  make  a  bow,  and  say,  '  The  compliments  of 
the  season,'  or  any  other  interesting  tiling  that  you  like.  A 
person  of  your  genius  should  not  be  at  a  loss  for  pleasant  say 
ings — and  after  that  drink  off  the  wine,  take  a  leetle  of  anything 
else  that  is  on  the  table,  and  go  away  agin." 

"Wal  now,"  sez  I,  "I  can  remember  what  to  say  well 
enough,  though  it  does  seem  to  me  that  there  would  be  a  leetle 
too  much  soft  sodder  in  the  speech,  if  it  warn't  made  to  a  lady ; 
but  suppose  you  jest  go  over  the  manoeuvre  about  the  wine,  so 
that  I  can  git  the  kink  on  it,  if  you  hain't  no  objection." 

"  Very  well,"  sez  he,  "  remember  I'm  you,  and  you  are  the 
lady." 

"  Jest  so,"  sez  I. 

"  Wal,"  sez  he,  a  taking  up  the  cider  mug,  u  observe  me." 
With  that  he  made  a  purlite  bow,  and  give  another  allfired  pull 
at  the  drink.  I  see  what  the  critter  was  at ;  but  think  sez  I,  I 
ruther  think  you've  Lad  your  share  of  the  cider.  With  that,  I 
put  out  both  hands  a  leetle  easy,  and  took  the  mug  from  his 
mouth. 

"  See  if  I  hain't  larnt  it,"  sez  I,  as  sober  as  a  deacon ;  and  -with 
that  I  made  him  a  low  bow,  and  while  I  was  a  drinking  off  the 
cider,  I  jest  winked  one  eye  over  the  top  of  the  mug,  tu  let  him 
see  that  I  was  up  tu  a  thing  or  two.  The  ininit  I  pulled  up,  he 
began  tu  laugh  as  good-natured  as  a  kitten ;  and  arter  I'd  got 
my  breath,  I  sot  in,  and  we  had  a  good  haw-haw  right  out  in  the 
office. 


BV   JONATHAN    SLICK.  103 

Arter  we'd  both  got  sobered  down,  John  he  gave  me  an  invite 
to  come  up  and  see  Mary,  and  then  he  cut  stick  tu  go  home  and 
fix  for  visiting.  I  hadn't  but  jest  time  to  run  out  and  git  a  piece 
of  Injun  rubber  to  clean  my  yaller  gloves  with,  and  begin  tu  fix 
up,  when  my  pussey  cousin  come  up  the  street,  hurra  boys,  car 
riage  and  all,  arter  me.  The  tall  chap  let  himself  down  from 
behind  the  carria-ge,  and  knocked  at  the  door. 

"  Come  in,"  sez  I,  a  poking  round  the  office  arter  a  pin  tu  stick 
my  shirt-color  together,  where  the  etarnal  washerwoman  had 
washed  the  button  off,  consarn  her ! 

The  feller  was  dressed  up  like  a  Connecticut  Major-General, 
all  in  yaller  and  blue,  as  fine  as  a  fiddle ;  he  kinder  grinned  a 
little  when  he  see  my  table,  and  that  I  hadn't  got  my  fix  on  yet ; 
but  when  I  looked  in  his  face,  he  choked  in,  and,  sez  he,  as  hum 
ble  as  could  be — 

"  Mr.  Slick,  my  master  is  a  waiting." 

"  Tell  him  not  tu  be  in  a  pucker,"  sez  I.  "  I  ain't  quite  spruced 
up  yet."  With  that  he  went  out — I  pitched  on  my  clothes  in 
less  than  no  time,  stuffed  a  baked  apple  and  a  few  dough-nuts 
into  my  coat  pocket,  for  fear  of  accident,  and  follered  arter. 
There  he  stood  a  holding  open  the  glass  door,  and  a  set  of  little 
eteps,  all  carpeted  off,  nung  down  tu  the  ground  ;  and  there  was 
the  fat  nigger  a  twis'tifying  his  whip-lash  round  the  horses' 
heads,  as  crank  as  a  white  man.  I  jest  had  time  tu  see  that  Jase 
had  got  his  lions  and  roosters  and  crouchants  pictered  off  on  the 
curtain  that  hung  round  his  seat ;  and  then  I  jumped  into  the 
carriage  as  spry  as  a  cricket.  The  tall  chap  folded  up  the  steps 
as  quick  as  rnarm  could  undu  a  cat's  cradle,  and  shet  the  door 
tu,  and  away  we  went  like  a  house  a-fire.  I  swanny !  but  these 
coaches  du  go  over  the  ground  as  slick  as  grease  ;  it  seemed  jest 
like  being  bolstered  up  in  a  rocking-chair  !  My  pussey  cousin 
seemed  tu  swell  up  bigger  and  bigger  every  minit,  when  he  see 
how  surprised  I  was  with  the  spring  of  it ;  and,  sez  he — 

"  Now,  cousin,  I'm  going  tu  take  you  tu  see  somebody  worth 
knowing,  and  when  they  know  that  you're  my  relation,  they'll 
take  a  good  deal  of  notice  of  you ;  so  jest  put  your  best  foot  fore 
most." 

Think  sez  I,  it's  looky  that  I  got  cousin  Beebe  tu  show  me  bow 


104  BlOn    LIFE    IN    NEW    TUUK. 

it's  done ;  but  I  kept  a  close  lip  and  said  nothing,  fur  it  was  slip 
ping  cold,  and  a  feller's  words  seemed  as  if  they'd  turn  tu  ice, 
before  he  spoke  'em. 

The  nigger  driv  like  fire  and  smoke,  and  it  didn't  seem  no 
time  afore  we  stopped  by  a  great  house  clear  up  town,  and  the 
tall  shote  opened  the  door  and  undid  the  steps  again,  as  if  he 
expected  us  tu  git  out. 

"This  is  my  house,"  sez  my  pussey  cousin,  "you  go  in  and 
call  on  the  ladies,  and  I'll  dive  round  to  one  or  two  houses,  and 
take  you  with  me  again,  by  and  by." 

I  got  up  sort  of  loth,  for  it  seemed  kinder  awk'ard  to  go  in 
alone ;  but  afore  I  had  a  chance  to  say  so,  the  tall  shote  shet  tu 
the  stairs,  gin  the  door  a  slam,  hopped  up  behind  agin,  and  away 
they  went  like  a  streak  of  lightning. 

I  stood  a  minit,  a  looking  about.  It  was  cold  enough  to  nip  a 
feller's  ears  off,  so  I  jest  tucked  my  hands  into  my  pockets  as 
well  as  I  could,  and  begun  tu  stomp  my  foot  on  the  stun  walk. 
It  raly  was  fun  to  see  the  streets  chuck  full  of  fellers  running  up 
and  down,  hither  and  yon,  as  if  the  old  Nick  had  kicked  them, 
on  eend.  Every  one  on  'em  was  dressed  up  in  his  Sunday-go-to- 
meeting  clothes,  and  they  all  had  their  hair  slicked  down  exactly 
alike,  and  most  on  'em  looked  more  like  gals  in  boys'  clothes  than, 
anything  else.  Not  the  shadow  of  a  petticoat  could  a  feller  see, 
from  one  eend  of  York  tu  the  other — it  seemed  as  if  the  hull  city 
had  run  tu  boys  for  one  day.  The  streets  raly  looked  lonesome ; 
for,  arter  all,  it  don't  seem  nat'ral  to  go  out  and  not  see  gals  and 
women  a  walking  about  with  their  pnrty  faces  and  fine  clothes. 
A  city  without  them,  looks  like  a  piece  of  thick  woods  without 
any  sweet,  green  under-brush  and  harnsome  flowers.  I  don't 
know  exactly  why,  but  when  I  go  into  a  place  where  there's 
nothing  but  men,  it  seems  as  if  all  the  sunshine  and  posies  of 
human  natur  was  shet  out ;  and  as  I  stood  there  afore  my  pussey 
cousin's  house,  it  made  me  feel  sort  of  melancholy  not  to  see  the 
least  glimpse  of  a  red  shawl  or  a  furbelow  nowhere  about. 

I  believe  arter  all,  that  when  a  chap  is  a  leetle  scared  about 
doing  a  thing,  the  best  way  is  tu  pitch  for'ard,  hit  or  miss, 
without  thinking  on  it.  So  as  soon  as  I'd  got  a  leetle  grit  raised, 
1  up  and  pnlled  the  door  knob  as  savage  as  could  be.  It  was  an 


BY"    JONATHAN    SLICK.  105 

allfired  big  chunk  of  silver  though,  and  the  piece  spread  out  on 
the  door  was  as  big  as  a  dinner-plate,  and  there  was  "  JASON 
Si,ic£"  cut  out  on  it  in  all  sorts  of  flourishes  and  curlecues. 
Think  sez  I,  my  pussey  cousin  means  to  hang  out  a  specie  sign, 
anyhow.  I  wonder  he  didn't  have  his  rooster  and  lion  and 
crouchants  pictered  off  in  his  door  too. 

Arter  a  minit  a  tall  chap  that  looked  like  a  twin  tu  the  feller 
that  stood  behind  the  carriage,  all  dressed  out  jest  as  lie  was, 
too,  like  a  major-gineral,  stood  a  bowing  and  shuffling  in  the 
hall,  as  if  he  wanted  to  larn  me,  how  to  dance.  The  way  he 
sidled  and  bowed  and  spread  out  his  hands  as  he  opened  the 
parlor  door  for  me,  was  enough  to  make  a  feller  bust  with  larfin. 
AVal,  afore  I  knew  which  eend  my  head  was  on,  there  I  stood  in 
the  middle  of  a  great  long  room,  that  was  enough  to  dazzle  a 
teller's  eyes  for  a  month,  eenajest  to  look  at  it.  The  settees  were 
all  bright  red,  and  glistened  with  thick  velvet  cushions.  Great, 
heavy,  yaller  curtains  hitched  up  with  spears  and  poles,  made 
out  of  gold,  or  something  plaguey  like  it,  hung  over  all  the  win 
ders — all  furbelowed  and  tossled  off  with  great,  blue  balls,  mixed 
up  with  red  fringe.  The  carpet  was  the  brightest  and  softest 
thing  I  ever  did  see — but  it  was  enough  tu  make  a  feller  stun 
blind  tu  look  at  it,  the  figgers  on  it  were  so  allfired  gaudy. 
Everything  in  the  room  was  as  costly  and  harnsome  as  could  be ; 
but  somehow  it  seemed  as  if  every  individual  thing  had  come 
there  on  its  own  hook,  and  was  so  proud  of  itself  that  it 
wouldn't  agree  with  its  neighbors.  The  chairs  looked  dread 
fully  out  of  sorts  with  the  settees,  and  the  great  looking-glasses 
made  everything  seem  ten  times  more  fiery  and  bright  with 
their  glistening.  The  hull  room  seemed  more  like  a  garden 
planted  with  poppies,  sun-flowers,  and  marygolds,  than  anything 
I  could  think  on.  There  was  a  table  sot  out  at  one  eend,  jest 
afore  one  of  the  looking-glasses,  that  made  it  seem  as  long  agin 
as  it  raly  was.  It  was  all  kivered  over  with  silver  baskets  and 
knives  and  forks,  and  glasses,  and  everything  that  could  be 
thought  on  tu  eat  and  drink.  At  both  eends  were  leetle  meet 
ing-houses  with  steeples  tu  them,  all  made  out  of  sugar-candy, 
and  hull  loaves  of  cake  with  flowers  and  birds  a  lying  down  on 
top  of  'em ;  besides  some  had  leetle  sugar  lambs  curled  up  on 


106  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

'em.  as  nat'ral  as  life.  I  never  did  see  a  table  so  set  off  in  my 
born  days  ;  it  was  a  signt  to  look  on.  Cousin  Beebe's  warn't  a 
touch  tu  it ;  but  somehow  the  things  were  all  crowded  on  so, 
and  there  was  sich  heaps  of  everything,  that  it  didn't  seem  half 
so  genteel  as  Cousin  Mary's  did.  It  must  have  cost  an  allfired 
swad  of  money,  though. 

I  was  so  struck  up  with  the  room  and  the  table,  that  it  was 
more  than  a  minit  afore  I  found  out  that  there  were  any  folks  in 
the  premises ;  but  by-am-by  I  discovered  a  fat  chunked  woman 
a  sitting  in  a  rocking  chair  all  cushioned  with  red  shiney  velvet. 
She  sot  close  by  the  fire,  but  when  I  stepped  back  and  put  my 
foot  out  to  make  a  bow,  she  got  up  and  made  me  a  curchy — 
but  sich  a  curchy  I  never  did  see — it  was  about  half-way 
between  the  flutter  of  a  hen  and  the  swagger  of  a  fat  duck.  It 
was  as  much  as  I  could  du  to  keep  from  snorting  right  out  to 
see  her;  but  I  choked  in,  and  sez  I,  bowing  again,  "You  see  I 
make  myself  tu  hum,  marm.  Mr.  Slick,  my  pussey  cousin,  out 
there,  wanted  me  to  come  and  make  you  a  New  Year's  call." 

I  wish  you  could  a  seen  how  the  critter  strutted  up  when  I 
said  this ;  but  all  tu  once  she  seemed  to  guess  who  I  was,  for  she 
stuck  her  head  a  one  side,  and  begun  to  smile  and  pucker  up 
her  mouth  like  all  natur.  Up  she  cum  tu  me  with  both  hands 
out,  and  sez  she — 

"  Cousin,  I'm  delighted  to  see  you.  Mr.  Slick  was  telling  me 
about  you  yesterday,  and  sez  I,  invite  him  by  all  means.  It 
ain't  often  we  can  make  free  with  a  relation,  they  are  so  apt  to 
presume  upon  it.  Ealy,  some  of  Mr.  Slick's  family  have  been 
very  annoying,  they  have  indeed ;  they  don't  seem  to  under 
stand  our  position  ;  but  you,  cousin,  you  that  have  so  much  mind, 
can  comprehend  these  things." 

Afore  I  could  get  a  chance  to  stick  in  a  word  edgeways,  she 
took  my  hand,  yaller  glove  and  all,  between  both  her'n,  and  led 
me  along  to  the  fire.  Arter  I'd  sot  down,  she  kept  a  fingering 
over  one  of  my  hands  as  if  it  belonged  to  her.  Think  sez  I, 
what  on  arth  can  the  old  critter  mean?  Ill  be  darned,  if  she 
was  fifteen  years  younger,  I  should  think  she  had  such  a  notion 
|o  the  family,  that  she  wasn't  particular  how  many  on  'em  she 
made  love  tu.  As  soon  as  I  could  git  her  to  give  up  my  hand, 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  l07 

«he  jest  let  her'n  drop  on  my  knee  as  affectionate  as  a  pussy  cat, 
and  sez  she,  a  screwing  up  her  mouth,  and  sticking  her  face  close 
up  to  mine — 

"  Cousin,  you  can't  think  how  delighted  I  was  to  read  your 
letters  in  the  Express.  I  du  like  to  see  such  upstarts  as  the 
Beebe's  taken  off;  only  think  of  the  idee  of  her  giving  parties, 
and  her  husband  not  out  of  business  yit !  When  I  read  that  let 
ter,  sez  I  to  Mr.  Slick,  '  bring  the  young  gentleman  here,  where 
he  can  see  something  of  real  high  life ;  it  would  be  a  pity  to 
have  him  throw  away  his  talons  in  describing  such  low  affairs  as 
Mrs.  Beebe's  must  be.'  "  With  that  she  looked  round  her  blaz 
ing  room  as  proud  as  could  be,  as  if  she  wanted  me  to  give  her 
some  soft  sodder  back  agin ;  but  I  felt  sort  of  wrathy  at  what 
she  said  about  cousin,  and  I  wouldn't  take  the  hint ;  but  sez  I, 
"  I  beg  pardon,  marm,  but  Mr.  Beebe  is  my  friend  and  relation, 
and  a  chap  that'll  set  still  and  hear  a  friend  run  down,  don't 
deserve  one,  according  to  my  notion ;  as  for  cousin  Mary " 

"  Oh,"  sez  Mrs.  Slick,  a  twisting  round  like  an  eel,  "  she  is  a 
lovely  woman,  without  any  dcubt.  I  sartinly  should  have  called 
on  her  long  ago ;  but  then  one  has  so  many  acquaintances  of  that 
sort  to  remember,  that  really  I  have  never  found  time."  Think 
sez  I,  if  you  wont  call  till  Mary  wants  you,  I  don't  think  you'll 
put  yourself  out  in  a  hurry ;  but  I  didn't  say  so,  for  jest  that 
minit  she  seemed  to  remember  something,  and  she  sung  out, 
1 '  Jemima,  my  dear." 

With  that  the  yaller  curtains  by  one  of  the  winders  were 
rustled  and  flirted  out,  and  a  young  gal,  flnefied  off  to  kill,  come 
from  where  she'd  been  standing  back  on  'em  to  look  at  the  fellers 
as  they  went  along  the  street.  I  ruther  guess  there  was  a  flirting 
of  ribbon  and  a  glistening  of  gold  things  when  she  made  her  ap 
pearance.  She  came  a  hopping  and  a  dancing  across  the  room, 
and  when  she  come  jest  afore  me,  she  stopped  short  and  let  off  a 
curchy  that  seemed  more  like  one  of  her  mother's  run  crazy,  than 
any  thing  I  could  think  on.  The  old  woman  she  spread  out  her 
hands,  and  sez  she,  "  Jemima,  my  dear,  this  is  your  cousin,  Mr. 
Slick,  the  gentleman  whose  letters  you  were  so  delighted  with." 

With  that  the  queer  critter  gave  me  another  curchy  and 
looked  as  if  she'  a  been  glad  if  she'd  known  enough  to  say  some- 


108  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NKW    YORK. 

thing;  but  the  old  woman  sot  in  with  a  stream  of  talk  about  her 
till  any  body  on  arth  would  have  sot  her  down  for  an  angel  jest 
out  of  heaven,  dressed  up  in  pink  satin  and  loaded  off  with  gold, 
if  they'd  believed  a  word  her  mother  said.  Think  sez  I  *o  myself, 
as  I  stood  a  looking  at  the  old  woman  and  tlie  gal,  it's  enough  to 
make  a  feller  sick  of  life  to  see  two  such  stuck  up  critters.  The 
gal's  furbelows  didn't  look  so  bad  considering  she  was  so  young, 
yet  it  always  seems  to  me  as  if  heaps  of  jimcracks  and  finery 
piled  on  to  a  young  critter  looked  kinder  unnat'ral.  "Wimmen 
are  a  good  deal  like  flowers  to  my  notion,  and  the  harnsomest 
posies  that  grow  in  the  woods  never  have  but  one  color  besides 
their  leaves.  I've  seen  gals  in  the  country  with  nothing  but  pink 
sun  bonnets  and  calico  frocks  on,  that  looked  as  fresh  and  sweet 
as  full  blown  roses — gals  that  could  pull  an  even  yoke  with  any 
of  your  York  tippies  in  the  way  of  beauty,  and  arter  all  if  I  ever 
get  a  wife  I  don't  think  I  shall  sarch  for  her  among  brick  houses 
and  stun  side-walks. 

The  old  woman  raly  had  mad*  an  etarnal  coot  of  herself  in  the 
way  of  fixing.  She  had  on  a  lot  of  satin,  and  shiny  thin  stuff 
twistified  round  her  head  kinder  like  a  hornet's  nest ;  in  front  on 
it,  jest  over  the  leetle  curls  all  rolled  and  frizzled  round  her  face, 
a  bird — a  rale  ginuine  bird,  all  feathered  off  as  bright  as  a  rain 
bow — was  stuck  with  its  bill  down  and  its  tail  flourished  up  in 
the  air,  as  if  it  had  jest  lit  to  search  for  a  place  to  build  a  nest  in. 
I  never  see  one  of  the  kind  afore,  for  its  tail  looked  like  a  hand 
ful  of  corn-silk,  it  was  so  yaller  and  bright ;  but,  think  sez  I,  it 
must  be  some  sort  of  a  new-fashioned  woodpecker,  for  it's  the 
natur  of  them  birds  always  to  light  on  any  thing  holler — and  if 
h6  was  once  to  get  a  going  on  that  old  woman's  head,  I've  an 
idee  there'd  be  a  drumming.  She  had  a  leetle  short  neck,  all 
hung  round  with  chains,  and  capes,  and  lots  of  things — besides,  a 
leetle  watch,  all  sot  over  with  shiny  stuns,  was  hung  to  her  side, 
and  her  fat  chunked  fingers  was  kivered  over  with  rings,  that 
looked  like  the  spots  on  a  toad's  back  more  than  any  thing  else. 
She  had  a  great  wide  ruffle  round  the  bottom  of  her  frock,*  like 
the  one  cousin  Mary  had  on  at  her  party;  but  she  warn't  no 
where  nigh  so  tall  as  Mary,  and  it  made  her  look  like  a  ban  turn 
hen  feathered  down  to  the  claws.  Wai,  think  sez  I,  if  you 


BY   JONATHAN    SUCK.  109 

wouldn't  make  a  comical  figger-head  for  Captiu  Doolittle's  sloop. 
I  wonder  what  your  husband  would  ask  for  you,  jest  as  you  stand 
— hump,  ruffles  and  all  ?  I  shouldn't  a  taken  so  much  notice  of 
her,  if  she  hadn't  let  off  such  a  shower  of  talk  on  me  about  her 
darter;  but  when  a  woman  begins  to  pester  me  by  praising  up 
her  family,  I  always  make  a  pint  of  thinking  of  something  else  as 
fast  as  I  can.  If  you  only  bow  a  leetle,  and  throw  in  a  "yes 
marm,  sartingly,"  and  so  on,  once  in  a  while,  you're  all  right.  A 
woman  will  generally  soft-sodder  herself,  if  you  let  her  alone 
when  she  once  gits  a  going,  without  putting  you  to  the  trouble 
of  doing  it  for  her. 

Arter  she'd  talked  herself  out  of  breath,  she  went  along  up  to 
the  table,  and  spreading  her  hands,  sez  she,  "Take  some  refresh 
ments,  Mr.  Slick?" 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  haint  much  hungry,  but  I  do  feel  a  leetle  dry 
— so  I  don't  care  if  I  du." 

I  went  up  to  the  table,  and  took  a  survey  of  the  decanters  and 
cider-bottles ;  and  arter  a  while,  I  made  out  to  find  one  decanter 
that  looked  as  if  it  had  something  good  in  it,  and  poured  about  a 
thimble  full  into  two  of  the  wine  glasses,  and  filled  up  one  for 
myself.  Mrs.  Slick  and  her  darter  took  up  the  glasses,  and  then 
I  stepped  back  and  made  a  low  bow,  and  sez  I,  "  The  compliments 
of  the  season ! — or  any  other  interesting  thing  that  you  like.  A 

person  of  your  genius "  Here  I  stuck  fast,  for  somehow  J 

forgot  how  cousin  Beebe  told  me  to  top  off  in  the  speech.  But 
the  old  woman  puckered  up  her  mouth,  and  curchyed  away  as  if 
I'd  said  it  all  out ;  and  the  gal,  she  went  over  the  same  manoeu 
vre,  and  laughed  so  silly,  and  put  back  her  long  curls  with  her 
white  gloves — for  she  had  gloves  on  though  she  was  tu  hum — and 
sez  she,  "  Oh,  Mr.  Slick,"  and  then  her  marm  chimed  in,  and  sez 
she,  "  Now  that  you've  mentioned  genius,  Mr.  Slick,  I  do  think 
my  Jemima  has  a  talent  for  poetry." 

Think  sez  I,  it  raly  is  surprising  how  much  genius  there  is 
buried  up  in  these  York  brick  houses.  I  hain't  been  to  see  a 
family  since  I've  been  down  here  that  hadn't  some  darter  that 
could  write  so  beautiful,  only  she  was  so  proud  and  diffident  and 
modest,  that  she  could  not  be  coaxed  to  have  any  thing  printed. 
Think  sez  I,  if  that  leetle  stuck  up  varmint  has  took  to  poetry, 


110  HIGH    LIFR    IX    XKW    YORK. 

there'll  be  a  blaze  in  the  newspaper  world  afore  long.    She's  sar- 
tin  to  set  the  North  River  on  fire,  if  nobody  else  ever  did. 

I  remembered  what  cousin  Beebe  told  me  about  helping 
myself  to  eatables,  so  I  sot  down  by  the  table  and  hauled  a  plate 
np  to  me,  and  begun  to  make  myself  to  hum.  There  was  no 
eend  to  the  sweet  things  that  I  piled  up  on  my  plate  and  begun 
to  store  away  with  a  silver  knife  and  a  spoon.  Mrs.  Slick,  she 
begun  to  fuss  about,  and  offered  to  help  me  to  this,  that  and 
t'other,  till  I  should  raly  have  thought  she  didn't  care  how  much 
I  eat,  if  she  hadn't  contrived  to  tell  me  how  much  every  thing 
cost  all  the  time.  Jest  as  I  was  finishing  off  a  plate  of  foreign 
preserves,  the  door-bell  rung,  and  in  streaked  five  or  six  fellers, 
dressed  up  tu  kill.  It  raly  made  me  eenamost  snicker  out  to  see 
how  slick  and  smooth  everyone  of 'em  had  combed  his  hair 
down  each  side  of  his  face.  They  all  looked  as  much  alike  as  if 
they'd  been  kidney  beans  shelled  out  of  the  same  pod.  When, 
the  old  woman  and  the  gal  sot  to  wriggling  their  shoulders  and 
making  curchies  to  them,  I  begun  to  think  it  was  time  for  me  to  get 
np  and  give  them  a  chance.  So  I  bolted  the  last  spoonful  of 
preserves,  and  took  out  my  red  silk  hankercher  to  wipe  my 
mouth.  I  thought  it  come  out  of  my  pockets  purty  hard, 
BO  I  gave  it  a  twitch,  and  hurra !  out  come  three  of  the 
doughnuts  that  I'd  tucked  away  to  be  ready  in  case  of  fodder's 
getting  scarce,  and  they  went  helter-skelter  every  which  way  all 
over  the  carpet.  At  fust  I  felt  sort  of  streaked,  for  the  young 
chaps  begun  to  giggle,  and  Miss  Jemima  Slick  she  bust  right  out. 
I  looked  at  her,  and  then  I  looked  at  the  fellers,  and  then,  instead 
of  sneaking  off,  I  bust  right  out,  jest  as  if  I  didn't  know  how  they 
come  there,  and  sez  I, 

"Did  you  ever!" 

I  didn't  say  another  word,  but  jest  made  them  a  low  bow  all 
round,  and  was  a  going  out,  but  Mrs.  Slick  got  hold  of  my  arm, 
and  told  me  not  tu  seem  to  mind  the  doughnuts,  and  said,  sort  of 
low,  that  she'd  tell  the  gentlemen  that  I  was  a  relation  of  her'n, 
and  that  there  warn't  no  danger  of  their  poking  fun  at  me  about 
it.  Think  sez  I,  I  see  how  to  get  out  of  the  scrape:  she'll  think 
I'm  awful  mean  not  to  offer  her  some  of  the  doughnuts,  when  I 
had  them  in  my  pocket,  so  seeing  it's  new-year's  day,  I'll  mako 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  Ill 

her  think  I  brought  'era  tu  make  her  a  present  on,  for  relation's 
eake.  I  jest  went  back,  and  picked  up  the  tarnal  things,  and 
heaping  them  up  in  one  hand,  I  made  a  smasher  of  a  bow  as  I 
held  'em  out  tu  her,  and,  sez  I — 

"I  thought  mebby  yon'd  like  tu  see  how  a  prime  "Weathers- 
field  doughnut  would  taste  agin;  so  I  jest  tucked  a  few  one 
bide,  tu  bring  up  here;  take  'em,  you're  as  welcome  as  can  be; 
I've  .got  enough  more  tu  hum." 

She  looked  at  the  gentlemen,  and  then  she  turned  red,  as  if 
she  didn't  exactly  know  how  tu  take  me. 

"Don't  be  afeard  on  'em,"  sez  I,  "  they're  fust  rate ;  chuck  full 
of  lasses,  and  fried  in  hog's  lard  as  white  as  snow." 

"With  that  she  took  them  out  of  my  hand  and  put  them  on  the 
table,  and,  sez  she,  a  puckering  up  her  mouth,  "you  men  of 
genius  are  so  droll." 

Think  sez  I,  I've  made  a  good  hit  off  this  time,  any  how,  so 
I'll  cut  stick.  I  made  another  bow,  and  out  I  went,  jest  as  the 
chaps  were  all  a  bowing  and  saying,  "  the  compliments  of  the 
season,"  one  arter  another,  like  boys,  in  a  spelling  class. 

I  hadn't  but  jest  got  to  the  door,  when  my  pussey  cousin  driv 
up,  so  I  got  intu  the  carriage,  and  off  we  went,  down  Broadway, 
at  a  smashing  rate,  till  at  last  we  stopped  afore  one  of  the  neat 
est-looking  houses  that  I've  seen  in  York:  it- warn't  crinckled 
and  finefied  off  with  wood-work  and  iron  fences,  but  the  hull  was 
solid  stun.  The  steps  were  made  of  the  same,  with  great  stun 
sides  a  rolling  down  from  the  door  tu  the  side- walk.  The  door 
was  sunk  clear  intu  the  front ;  there  warn't  no  chunk  of  silver 
in  the  middle,  tu  write  the  owner's  name  on ;  so  I  s'pose  he 
thought  that  every  body  ought  to  know  where  a  rale  fashion 
able  chap  lives,  without  his  hanging  out  a  sign  to  toll  folks. 
Jason  was  jest  a  going  tu  give  the  knob  a  twitch,  but  he  seemed 
to  remember,  and,  sez  he,  to  the  tall  chap  that  had  got  down, 

"Why  don't  you  ring?" 

With  that  the  chap  made  a  dive  up  the  steps,  and  it  warn't  a 
second  afore  the  door  swung  open,  and  a  nice  old  feller,  dressed 
np  as  neat  as  a  new  pin,  but  without  regimentals,  stood  inside. 
Arter  making  a  bow,  he  opened  a  mahogany  door,  and  made  a 
little  motion  with  h;s  hand,  as  much  as  to  say — "walk  in." 


112  HlfJl!    I.IKK     IV    XKW    YORK. 

Jason  he  kinder  seemed  loth  to  go  in  fust;  and  arter  all  hia 
money,  I  couldn't  help  but  think  the  old  feller  in  the  hall  looked 
as  well  and  acted  a  good  deal  more  like  a  rale  gentleman,  than 
he  did.  There's  nothing  like  being  rich  to  git  up  a  man's 
pluck  ;  arter  fidgeting  with  his  watch-seals  a  minit,  Jase  stuck 
up  his  head  like  a  mud  turtle  in  the  sun,  and  in  he  went.  I 
follered  arter  as  close  as  a  bur  tu  a  chestnut ;  for  in  my  hull  life 
I  never  felt  so  scared.  ^ 

The  house  didn't  seem  like  Miss  Miles's  nor  Cousin  Beebe's,  nor 
yet  like  my  pussey  cousin's.  Coming  from  his  house  into  that, 
Beemed  like  going  out  of  a  blustering  wind  into  a  calm  snow- 
fetorm.  Every  thing  was  so  slick  and  still,  that  it  didn't  seem 
like  anything  else  that  I  ever  see.  Cousin  Slick  went  in  fussing 
along,  and  a  tall  harnsome  lady  got  up  from  a  chair,  where  she 
sot  by  the  fire,  and  cum  towards  us.  Arter  Jason  had  give  her 
a  little  information  about  the  weather — told  her  it  was  dreadful 
cold,  and  so  on,  he  stepped  back,  and  spreading  out  his  hands 
sort  of  like  his  wife,  sez  he — 

"  Mrs. ,  this  is  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick,  a  young  relation  of 

mine." 

I  declare  it  made  my  heart  beat  to  see  how  purtily  she  smiled 
— her  cnrchy  was  as  soft  and  easy  as  a  bird — she  didn't  wri^rta 
up  her  shoulders  and  stick  out  her  feet  as  some  of  the  rest  of  'em 
did,  but  jest  seemed  to  droop  doAvn  a  little  easy,  and  then  she 
asked  us  to  sit  down ;  and  in  less  than  no  time  we  felt  as  much 
tu  hum  as  if  we'd  known  her  ever  since  she  was  a  nuivnz  baby. 
Instead  of  beginning  to  give  me  a  lot  of  soft  sodder,  as  some  of 
the  other  women  did,  she  jest  set  in  and  began  to  talk  about  old 
Connecticut,  and  sich  things  as  she  must  a  seen  was  likely  to 
tickle  me  like  all  natur,  and  her  voice  was  so  soft,  and  she  kept  a 
smiling  so,  that  I  never  felt  so  contented  in  my  life  as  I  did  a 
talking  with  her. 

At  la^t  she  began  to  ask  Jason  some  questions  about  the  "Wes 
tern  country — so  I  had  a  chance  to  look  about  me  a  leetle.  In 
stead  of  being  dressed  out  like  a  thing  sot  up  for  a  show,  she 
hadn't  nothing  on  but  a  harnsome  silk  frock,  and  a  leetle  nar 
row  velvet  ribbon  tied  round  her  harnsome  black  hair,  that  was 
brushed  till  it  looked  as  bright  as  a  crow's  back.  I  never  did  sec 


BY   JOXATHAN    SI.ICK.  113 

anything  braided  up  so  nice  as  it  was  behind.  She  hadn't  on  the 
leastist  bit  of  gold  nor  furbelows  of  any  kind,  only  jest  a  leetle 
pin  that  glistened  like  a  spark  of  fire,  which  pinned  the  velvet 
ribbon  jest  over  her  white  forehead.  It  raly  beats  me  to  make 
out  why  I  can't  tell  you  what  was  in  the  room,  jest  as  I  du  about 
all  the  other  places;  but  somehow  it  aint  easy  to  tell  the  differ 
ence,  for  there  was  settees,  and  chairs,  and  tables,  and  curtains, 
and  so  on — but  yet  it  warn't  a  bit  like  any  room  I  ever  see 
afore.  There  warn't  no  glistening  and  shining,  and  gold  and 
silver ;  but  I  couldn't  get  the  notion  out  of  my  head  that  every 
thing  cost  a  good  deal  more  than  if  there  had  been  ever  so  much  of 
it.  The  room  seemed  made  exactly  for  the  things  that  were  in 
it,  and  there  warn't  a  thing  that  didn't  fit  exactly  into  its  place 
like  wax-work.  There  was  one  consarn  that  looked  awful  harn- 
some,  and  it  was  rale  ginuine  too  ;  but  at  first  I  thought  it  was 
some  of  these  York  make-believes.  It  was  a  slim  green  tree, 
eenamost  tall  enough  to  reach  my  head,  all  blown  out  and  kiv- 
ered  over  with  as  much  as  twenty  of  the  biggest  and  whitest 
roses  I  ever  did  see.  It  was  sot  jest  below  the  two  winders,  and 
when  the  sun  came  kinder  softly  through  the  curtains  down  into 
the  white  posies  they  seemed  to  sort  o'  blush  like  a  beach  blow ; 
yit  they  raly  were  as  white,  according  to  natur,  as  the  cleanest 
handful  of  snow  you  ever  see.  The  tree  grew  out  of  a  great 
marble  flower-pot,  and  when  I  asked  its  name  of  the  lady,  she 
looked  as  bright  and  sweet  as  one  of  the  flowers,  and  told  me  it 
come  from  Japan,  away  east.  There  was  some  picters  hung  agin 
the  wall,  that  struck  my  eye  so  that  I  couldn't  keep  from  look 
ing  at  'em.  She  see  how  I  was  took  up,  and  sez  she — 

"That's  a  beautiful  picter,  Mr.  Slick,  don't  you  think  so? 
There  is  something  in  Doughtie's  picters  that  I  love  to  look  on ; 
his  grass  and  hillocks  are  so  soft  and  green,  he  does  excel  every 
American  artist  most  certainly  in  his  atmosphere." 

"  Wai,  marm,"  sez  I,  "  I  aint  no  judge  of  picters,  but  sartinly, 
to  my  notion  that  does  outshine  cousin  Jason's  lions  and 
roosters,  and  croushongs,  all  to  nothing.  It  don't  glisten  so 
much,  but  somehow  them  great  trees  du  look  so  nat'ral,  and 
them  cows  lying  down  under  them  so  lazy ;  it  eenamost  makes 
me  hum  sick  to  go  back  to  Weathersfield  when  I  see  it."  Here 
8 


114  niOH    LIFE    IK    NEW   YORA. 

Jase  trod  on  my  toe  with  his  consarned  hard  boot.  "Wai,  think 
sez  i,  what  have  I  said  now ;  and  I  looked  right  in  the  lady'a 
face  to  sea  if  she'd  been  a  laughing ;  but  she  looked  so  sweet  and 
uuconsarned  as  could  be,  and  sez  she,  a  getting  up  and  going 
across  the  room ;  for  Jase  made  a  motion  as  if  he  was  in  a  hurry, 
sez  she — 

"  Let  me  help  you  to  some  cake  and  wine." 

"With  that  she  went  to  a  table  that  had  some  decanters  and 
wine-glasses  on  it,  besides  a  loaf  of  cake  as  white  as  drifted 
snow.  I  sniggers,  but  it  did  look  as  neat  as  a  new  pin.  There 
was  a  heap  of  rale  flowers  and  leaves,  jest  picked  from  the  bush, 
fresh  and  fair,  twisted  round  the  edge  of  the  cake,  and  a  leetle 
white  sugar  dove  snuggled  down  in  the  middle. 

Cousin  Jase  filled  the  glasses  and  he  made  a  leetle  speech — 
but  somehow  it  didn't  seem  to  me  as  if  I  could  go  to  talking  soft 
sodder  tu  that  harnsome  critter — she  looked  so  sweet  yet  so 
proud.  All  I  did  was  jest  to  drink  the  wine,  and  then  bend  my 
head  kinder  softly  to  try  and  match  her  curchy — but  if  I  didn't 
wish  her  a  happy  New  Year  in  my  heart,  I'm  a  lying  coot,  that's 
all.  "When  we  went  away,  she  gave  us  an  invite  to  come 
agin,  and  she  was  mortal  perlite  to  me.  If  I  don't  go,  it'll  be  be 
cause  I'm  afeard,  for  I  don't  know  when  I've  taken  such  a  shine 
to  anything  that  wears  petticoats. 

Jest  as  soon  as  I'd  got  clear  of  the  door,  and  Jase  had  bowed 
«md  scraped  himself  out,  we  got  into  the  carriage  agin,  and  sez 
he— 

"  "Wai,  consin,  how  do  you  like  Mrs. ?" 

"  Like  her !"  sez  I,  "  if  I  don't  there's  no  snakes.  She's  none 
of  your  stuck  up,  finefied,  humbug  critters,  but  a  rale  ginuine 
lady,  and  no  mistake." 

"  It's  a  pity  she  hasn't  more  taste  and  emnlation  to  fix  up  her 
house,"  sez  he.  "  She  raly  don't  know  how  to  cut  a  dash,  and 
yet  her  husband  is  as  rich  as  a  Jew." 

u  Wai,  raly,  I  don't  know  what  to  think  of  that,"  sez  I. 
"  Somehow  when  I  see  everything  in  a  room  kinder  shaded  off, 
one  color  into  another  that's  eenamost  like  it,  till  the  hull  seemed 
to  be  alike,  jest  as  it  is  in  that  lady's  room, — it  seems  to  take  my 
notion  amazingly.  I  can't  tell  you  why,  hut  it  made  mo  feel  aa 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  115 

if  the  room  had  been  made  up  into  a  big  picter,  and  so  it  is  iu 
part,  and  I  begin  to  think  that " 

I  was  a  going  to  say  something  allfired  cutting  about  these 
stuck  up  flashy  houses  and  people  that  I'd  seen  here  in  York — 
when  the  carriage  driv  up  to  another  door.  In  we  went,  eat  and 
drank,  and  then  out  agin ;  and  then  it  was  riding  from  one  house 
to  another,  and  eating  and  drinking  till  it  got  eenajest  dark, 
and  I  was  clear  tuckered  out,  besides  beginning  tu  feel  wamble- 
cropped  a  leetle,  with  the  heap  of  sweet  things  I'd  been  eating 
all  day. 

This  New  Year's  day  here  in  York  is  sartainly  as  good  as  a 
show, — such  lots  of  gals  as  a  feller  sees,  and  such  lots  of  good 
living ;  but  give  me  a  Thanksgiving  dinner  yit  afore  a  York  New 
Year's, — a  gook  turkey  with  plenty  of  gravy  and  tatnr.  I 
swanny,  how  I  wish  I'd  been  a  eatin  them  things  instead  of  this 
heap  of  tarnal  cake  and  sugar  things.  I  shan't  feel  right  agin  in 
a  month,  I'm  sure  on  it. 

I  guess  you  Weathersfield  tee  totalists  would  a  stared  some  tu 
eee  how  the  young  chaps  begun  tu  make  fence  along  the  stun 
side-walks  towards  night ;  some  on  'em  were  purty  well  over  the 
bay  I  can  tell  you.  I  went  to  see  lots  of  women  and  gals,  and 
cousin  Mary  amongst  the  rest,  and  arter  I  got  back  to  my  office 
I  couldn't  get  one  wink  of  sleep.  My  head  was  chuck  full  of 
gals  all  night, — such  a  whirring  and  burring  as  there  was  in  my 
upper  story  you  never  did  know  on, — every  time  I  shet  my 
eyes  the  office  seemed  chuck  full  of  purty  gals  and  feathers 
and  gold  and  decanters,  cut  glass,  till  it  seemed  as  if  I  would  go 
crazy  a  thinking  over  all  I'd  done ;  but  the  last  thing  that  got 
into  my  brain  jest  afore  I  dropped  to  sleep,  was  the  real  lady 
and  my  pussey  cousin's  stuck  up  wife. 

But  I  can't  stop  to  write  you  on  all  my  dreams  that  night.  I 
don't  think  doughnuts  or  sugar  candies  set  well  on  the  stomach, 
and  I  don't  think  seeing  so  many  gals  sets  well  on  my -head. 
There  is  a  terrible  all  over-ish  sort  of  a  feeling  in  a  young  feller 
when  he's  been  cruising  among  the  gals  all  day,  and  comes  1mm 
and  cuddles  up  in  bed  at  night.  "When  he  gits  one  gal  stuck  fast 
in  his  head  and  his  heart,  as  I  had  Judy  "White,  he's  as  quiet  as 
r  -f.ten,  and  his  head's  a  sort  a  settled ;  but  arter  he's  been  a 


116  men    LIFE    IN    JfK\V    YORK. 

Coving  over  the  world  as  I  am  a  doing,  his  natur  gits  ruther  rilyt 
and  there's  nothing  that  sticks  in  it  except  the  dregs,  the  para 
essence  sifting  out  all  through. 

Getting  in  love  is  somewhat  like  getting  drunk,  the  more  » 
feller  loves  the  more  he  wants  tu, — and  when  the  heart  gits  h 
going,  fitly  pat,  pitty  pat,  there  is  such  a  swell,  that  it  busts 
up  all  the  strings,  so  that  it  can't  hold  the  ginuine  grit  at  all. 
"When  Judy  White  fust  took  hold  a  my  arm  I  give  the  coat  sleeve 
a  rale  hearty  smack,  where  her  hand  had  lain,  and  that  coat  I 
raly  did  love  better  than  any  other  I  ever  had  on ;  but  I  never 
think  the  better  of  my  yaller  gloves  for  shaking  the  hands  of  all 
the  gals  in  York.  I've  only  got  Miss  Miles  out  of  my  head,  to  gil 
a  thousand  new  shinin  faces  in.  Lord  knows  what'll  become  of 
me,  Par,  if  I  go  on  to  be  bedivilled  arter  the  women,  as  I  have 
been  this  new  year's  day.  "When  a  feller  is  made  any  thing  on  by 
'em  he  must  have  been  brought  up  under  good  preaching  in 
"Weathersfield  to  stand  it  here  in  York.  I  feel  as  if  I  shouldn't 
be  good  for  much  afore  long,  myself,  the  way  I  am  going  on,  but 
to  skoot  up  and  down  Broadway  like  that  ere  Count,  and  to  hang 
round  gals'  winders  with  fifes,  and  bassoons,  and  drums,  and 
gitars  at  night. 

I  can't  look  full  into  a  purty  gal's  face  all  a  flashing  so,  with 
out  being  kind  a  dazzled  and  scorched.  It  warms  me  up  in 
this  cold  weather,  and  kindles  such  a  touse  in  my  heart,  that  the 
blood  runs  through  it  as  hot  as  if  it  had  scooted  through  a  steam 
boat  pipe.  And  then  the  allfired  critters  have  so  many  sly  ways 
of  coming  over  a  feller,  that  I  don't  think  much  of  a  man  who 
can  see  their  purty  mouths  tremble,  and  not  feel  his  tremble  tu. 
If  they  sidle  up,  I  can't  help  sidling  too  if  I  died ;  and  when 
them  black  eyes  fall  flash  on  me,  I  wilt  right  down  under 
'em  as  cut  grass  in  Weathersfield  on  a  hot  summer  day.  It  is 
natur  all  this,  and  I  can't  help  it  no  how. 

But  you  know,  Par,  I  was  brought  up  under  good  preaching, 
and  1  go  now  to  Dr.  Spring's  meeting  always  as  straight  as 
Sunday  comes  round,  and  twice  a  day.  If  wimmin  do  snarl 
up  a  feller's  heart  strings,  though,  they  keep  him  out  of  other 
scrapes,  anybody  will  tell  yon  that.  A  man  that  is  in  love  a 
leetle  is  not  always  a  running  into  ruiu-holos,  and  other  such 


BV   JONATHAN    SLICK.  117 

places.    He  don't  go  a  gambling,  and  isn't  a  sneakin  ronnd 
nights. 

Love,  according  to  my  notion  on  it,  is  a  good  anchor  for  us  on 
this  'ere  voyage  of  life  ! — it  brings  us  up  so  all  a  standing  when 
we  put  on  too  much  sail.  It  puts  me  in  mind,  now  I  think  on 
it,  of  our  cruise  through  Hell  Gate  in  Captin  Doolittle's  sloop ; 
for  jest  as  the  tide  and  the  wind  was  a  carrying  us  on  the  rocks, 
<ve  dropt  anchor  and  kept  off.  I  look  on  the  uses  of  women 
purty  much  as  I  look  on  the  freshet  that  in  the  spring  brings 
down  the  Connecticut  the  rale  rich  soil  for  the  meadows  in 
Weathersfield.  They  make  a  great  deal  of  splutter  and  fuss  in 
their  spring-time,  with  their  rustles  and  their  ribbons,  and  their 
fooleries,  I  know ;  but  when  they  light  on  a  feller  for  good,  they 
are  the  rale  onion  patches  of  his  existence.  Put  us  together, 
and  the  soil  will  grow  anything ;  but  keep  us  apart,  and  we  are 
his  thistles  and  nettles. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  XI. 

Visit  to  the  Park  Theatre — First  Impressions  of  the  Poetry  of  Motion, 
as  written  on  the  air,  in  the  aerial  feats  of  Mademoiselle  Celeste — 
First  shock  at  the  exhibition  of  a  Ballet  Costume  accompanied  by 
the  "  twinkles"  of  Celeste's  feet — with  her  pigeon  wings,  double- 
shuffles,  gallopades,  and  pirouettes. 

DEAR  PAR  : 

I've  been  a  trying  tu  git  time  tu  write  you  a  letter  this  ever  so 
long ;  but  somehow  I've  had  so  many  parties  tu  go  tu,  besides 
sleigh-rides,  balls,  and  so  on,  that  I  haint  known  which  eend  my 
head  is  on  more  than  half  the  time.  Besides  all  that,  I've  felt 
kinder  loth  tu  write  you,  for  I  aint  jest  sartin  that  you  and  marm 
won't  be  in  a  pucker  about  what  I've  been  a  doing  since  I  writ 
tu  you  before.  But  I've  got  my  pluck  a  stirring  jest  now ;  so 
I'm  detarmined  tu  up  and  tell  you  all  right  out,  jest  as  it  is — for 
arter  all,  a  feller  must  be  a  consarned  coward  that'll  do  a  thing, 
right  or  wrong,  and  then  back  out  from  owning  on  it. 


118  HIGH    LIKE    IX    XEW    YOKE. 

Wai,  t'other  night  Mr.  Beebe  ho  cum  up  tu  my  office  about 
sundown,  and  sez  he,  "  Cousin  Slick,  supposing  we  go  tu  the 
Park  Theatre  to-night,  and  see  Madame  Celeste  dance." 

My  heart  riz  right  up  into  my  throat  as  he  said  this,  for  the 
very  idee  of  going  tu  the  Theatre  set  me  all  over  in  a  twitter. 
Ever  since  I  cum  down  here  tu  York,  I've  had  an  etarnal  hank 
ering  tu  go  and  see  some  of  their  plays ;  but  I  tried  all  I  could 
tu  pacify  myself,  and  thought  over  more  than  forty  times  all  the 
preachings  you  used  to  make  agin  them — bow  you  used  tu  say 
they  were  filled  with  sinful  devices  and  picters  of  the  devil's  own 
painting,  and  that  they  warn't  nothing  more  nor  less  than  scraps 
of  the  infarnal  regions  sot  up  here  on  arth  tu  delude  away  poor 
mortals. 

I  wanted  tu  go  awfully,  but  insted  of  giving  in  tu  cousin  John 
when  he  fust  come,  I  jest  sot  too  and  let  off  one  of  your  preach 
ments  to  him;  he  didn't  seem  to  mind  it  a  mite,  but,  sez  he, 
"  Cousin,  would  yon  think  it  right  if  a  feller  was  tu  cum  out  like 
all  blazes  agin  one  of  your  letters  in  the  Express^  if  he  hadn't 
read 'em?" 

"  I  should  like  to  ketch  a  feller  at  it — I  should,"  sez  1. 

"  Wai,"  sez  he,  "  dn  yon  think  it  fair  tu  run  out  agin  the 
Theatres  till  you've  seen  something  on  'em  ?" 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  don't  know  as  it  is ;  but  haint  my  par  an  old 
man  as  well  as  deacon  of  the  church,  and  hadn't  he  ought  tu 
know  ?  What's  the  use  of  a  man's  experience,  if  his  children 
won't  profit  by  it,  as  long  as  he  can't  turn  about  and  live  his  life 
over  agin  ?" 

u  That's  true,"  sez  cousin  John ;  "  but  are  you  sartin  that  your 
father  was  ever  at  a  play  in  his  life  ?" 

"What,  my  par  at  the  Theatre!"  sez  I,  a  holding  up  both 
hands,  "  Mr.  Zephaniah  Slick,  Esquire,  Justice  of  the  Peace  and 
Deacon  of  the  Church,  at  the  Theatre!  Look  a  here,  cousin 
John,  why  don't  you  ask  if  he  ever  plays  all  fours,  or  *  I  had  as 
many  wives  as  the  stars  in  the  skies,' — he'd  be  about  as  likely  tu 
du  one  as  t'other." 

"  Wai,"  sez  John,  sort  of  parsevering,  "  how  can  he  judge 
abont  them  sort  of  things  without  he's  seen  'em  ?  Come,  come, 
jest  put  on  your  fix  and  let's  go  down." 


BV   JONATHAN    SLICK.  119 

So  with  that  he  come  his  soft  sodder  so  strong  that  I  couldn't 
hold  out  no  longer,  so  I  jest  giv  up,  and  we  started  off;  but  my 
heart  felt  sort  of  queer  all  the  way,  for  I  couldn't  keep  from 
thinking  how  you  and  marm  would  feel  when  you  found  out 
where  I'd  been  tu.  I  don't  think  there's  anything  very  scrump 
tious  about  the  outside  of  the  Theatre  anyhow.  Think  sez  I,  as 
I  looked  up  tu  it,  if  this  is  raly  a  temple  of  Old  Nick,  he  haint 
put  himself  out  much  tu  finefy  it  off.  A  good  many  of  the 
meeting-houses  here  in  York  go  ahead  of  this  all  tu  nothing.  It 
looks  more  like  a  town  hall  or  a  tavern  than  any  thing  else  that 
I  can  think  on. 

"When  we  got  into  the  entry-way,  cousin  Beebe  he  took  out  a 
dollar  bill,  and  went  up  tu  a  little  hole  cut  out  in  the  wall,  and 
stuck  in  his  hand,  and  sez  he,  "  A  ticket." 

Think  sez  I,  wal,  if  this  don't  beat  all !  They  raly  du  mean  tu 
carry  on  all  kinds  of  develtry ;  who'd  a  thought  of  finding  on« 
of  these  darnation  lottery  offices  here. 

"  You  wont  want  a  ticket,"  sez  cousin  John. 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  I  guess  I  don't ;  if  there's  any  thing  on  arth 
that  makes  my  blood  bile,  it's  gambling.  I  was  a  going  on  tn 
give  him  a  piece  of  my  mind,  but  jest  then  he  pushed  a  door 
open,  all  kivered  over  with  green  flannel,  and  give  his  paper  tu  a 
tall  man  that  stood  there,  looking  as  solemn  as  an  owl  in  a 
storm ;  and,  sez  he,  a  pinting  tu  me,  this  gentleman,  belongs  tu 
the  press.  The  feller  looked  at  me  as  sharp  as  a  needle,  and  he 
begun  tu  fumble  over  a  paper,  as  if  he  didn't  know  exactly  what 
lie  wanted;  but  at  last  he  held  out  his  hand,  and  said  it  was 
custom  for  the  press  to  leave  cards  at  the  door.  I  never  was  so 
struck  up  in  my  whole  born  days.  Think  sez  I,  wal,  if  this  don't 
beat  all  natur ;  they  think  because  a  feller  is  green  enough  tu  go 
tu  the  Theatre  that  he  must  play  cards,  and  every  thing  else  that's 
bad.  I  shouldn't  wonder,  sez  I  tu  myself,  if  he  wants  me  tu  begin 
and  cuss  and  swear  next.  I  looked  him  right  in  his  eyes,  and  put 
my  hands  down  in  my  pockets  allfired  hard,  and,  sez  I — 

"  Look  a  here,  you  sir,  I  ain't  no  gambler — none  of  your  foreign 
chaps,  that  git  their  living  by  playing  cards.  You  must  be  soft 
in  the  upper  story  if  you  don't  see  that  the  first  giffy.  You 
don't  see  no  hair  on  my  upper  lip.  I  don't  carry  a  cane  with  a 


120  I11GH    Llb'S    IX    XK\V    YOUK. 

bagonet  in  it,  nor  wear  checkered  trousers,  so  you  needn't  ask 
me  to  give  you  any  cards,  I  haint  touched  one  of  the  pesky 
things  since  marm  broke  the  tin  dipper  over  my  head  for  singing 
out,  '  high,  low,  Jack  and  the  game,  by  gauley,'  one  day  when  I 
and  another  little  shaver  got  hid  away  in  the  corn-house  a  play 
ing  all  fours." 

The  feller  opened  his  eyes  a  few  when  I  said  this,  but  three  or 
four  finefied  young  fellers,  with  white  gloves  on,  and  little  canes 
in  their  hand,  come  to  the  door,  and  stood  a  grinning  at  me  like 
so  many  hungry  monkeys.  Cousin  John  spoke  sort  of  low,  and 
sez  he, — 

"  It  is  your  name  the  man  wants.  If  you  haven't  any  cards, 
write  it  out  on  a  piece  of  paper." 

"With  that  the  man  handed  over  a  piece  of  paper,  and  cousin 
Beebe  give  me  his  gold  pencil. 

Think  sez  I,  u  If  they  will  have  my  name,  I'll  give  'em  a 
smasher," — so  I  flourished  the  "  J"  off  with  an  allfired  long  tail, 
and  curlecued  the  "  8"  up  till  it  looked  like  a  black  snake  in  the 
sun.  I  ruther  seem  to  think  the  feller  stared  a  few  when  he  saw 
the  name.  The  grinning  chaps  cum  and  looked  at  it,  but  made 
themselves  scarce  in  less  than  no  time  arter  they  had  made  it 
out,  and  the  tall  chap,  he  bowed  close  down  to  the  floor,  and  sez 
he— 

"  Walk  in,  Mr.  Slick,  Mr.  Simpson  put  your  name  on  the  free 
list  ever  so  long  ago." 

I  was  going  to  ask  him  to  tell  Mr.  Simpson  that  I  was  very 
much  obligated,  though  I  hadn't  the  least  idea  what  he  meant  by 
his  free  list,  but  that  minit  there  was  such  a  smashing  of  fiddles 
and  drums  and  toot-horns  inside  that  I  eenamost  jumped  out  of 
my  skin.  It  seemed  as  if  a  dozen  training  bands  had  all  been  set 
a  going  tu  once. 

Cousin  John  he  took  hold  of  my  arm,  and  hauled  me  along 
through  a  little  door  into  a  great  big  room  built  off  more  like  n 
meeting-house  than  anything  else — and  yet  it  wasn't  like  that 
neither.  It  was  shaped  kinder  like  a  horse  shoe,  the  floor  was 
chuck  full  of  benches,  kivered  over  with  red  cushions,  and  there 
was  four  galleries  all  pillared  off  and  painted,  and  set  oif  with 
gold  and  great  blazing  glass  things  that  made  every  tiling  look 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  121 

as  bright  as  day.  In  the  second  gallery  there  were  five  or  six 
pens  all  boarded  off  from  the  rest,  with  lots  of  gold  picters  all 
round  them,  and  hung  over  with  silk  curtains,  till  they  looked 
more  like  the  berths  on  board  a  steamboat  than  any  thing  I  could 
t.iink  on.  These  places  were  chuck  full  of  allfired  harnsome  gals 
and  spruce  looking  fellers,  that  were  dressed  off  to  kill,  and 
talked  and  laughed  as  chipper  as  could  be.  The  ruff  was  an  etar- 
nal  way  up  from  the  floor;  it  rounded  up,  and  was  crinkle- 
crankled  off  with  gold  and  picters  till  it  looked  like  the  West  jest 
afore  sundown,  when  the  red  and  yaller  and  purple  lie  in  heaps 
and  ridges  all  over  the  sky. 

Think  sez  I,  if  that's  what  par  means  by  a  device  of  the  devil, 
Old  Nick  is  no  slouch  at  putting  the  shine  on  the  ruff  of  his 
house,  anyhow. 

We  sot  down  on  one  of  the  red  benches  in  the  lowest  gallery, 
and  I  got  a  leetle  over  the  twitter  that  I  was  in  at  fust,  and  jest 
made  up  my  mind  to  look  amongst  the  folks  to  see  what  was 
going  on. 

It  warn't  a  mite  of  wonder  that  the  musicianers  made  me 
jump  so  when  I  was  in  the  entry  way,  for  clear  on  t'other  eend  of 
the  room  was  a  long  pen  chuck  full  and  running  over  with  fid 
dlers,  base  drums,  and  great  brass  horns,  all  pulling  and  blowing 
and  thumping  away  like  all  natur;  didn't  they  send  out  the 
music ! — never  on  arth  did  I  hear  any  thing  like  it !  It  made  me 
choke  and  sigh  and  ketch  my  breath  like  a  dying  hen  ;  and  all  I 
could  du,  my  feet  would  keep  going  over  the  steps,  and  my  yaller 
gloves  seemed  as  if  they  never  would  git  still  agin,  they  kept  so 
busy  a  beating  time  on  the  leg  of  my  new  trousers.  Jest  over 
the  pen  where  the  fiddlers  sot,  hung  a  great  picter  as  big  as  the 
side  of  a  house.  I  thought  of  what  you  said  about  theatres  being 
filled  with  picters  of  the  devil's  own  painting ;  but  I  couldn't 
make  np  my  mind  that  that  was  one  on  'em,  for  it  was  so  green 
and  cold,  and  a  pale  man,  pictered  out  on  a  heap  of  stuns  in  the 
middle  on  it,  looked  as  shivery  as  if  he'd  had  a  fit  of  the  fever 
and  ague — besides  there  was  water  painted  out,  and  every  body 
knows  that  Old  Scratch  aint  tee-total  enough  to  paint  a  picter 
chuck  fall  of  clouds  and  water  and  sich  like,  without  one  spark 
of  fire  to  make  him  feel  to  hum  in  his  own  premises. 


122  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

By-am-by  sich  sights  of  the  people,  all  dressed  off  as  if  they  were 
a  going  to  a  general  training  ball,  kept  a  pouring  in  through  tho 
leetle  doors  in  the  galleries  till  the  seats  were  all  chuck  full ;  such 
a  glistening  of  harnsome  eyes  and  feathers,  and  flowers,  I  never 
did  see.  A  purty  leetle  gal  cum  and  sot  close  down  by  me,  and 
now  and  then  I  took  a  slanting  squint  at  her;  by  hokey,  she  was 
a  slick  leetle  critter,  with  the  consarnedest  soft  eyes  I  ever  looked 
iuto. 

I  wonder  what  on  arth  is  the  reason  that  I  can't  sit  down  by 
a  harnsome  gal,  but  my  heart  will  begin  to  flounder  about  like  a 
fish  jest  arter  he's  hooked.  Think,  sez  I,  if  there's  any  dancing 
a  going  on  to-night,  darn  me  if  I  don't  shin  up  to  that  gal  for  a 
partner.  But,  where  on  arth  the  folks  were  a  going  tu  find  a 
place  to  dance  in  I  couldn't  make  out,  for  in  the  hull  building 
there  warn't  room  enough  tu  hang  up  a  flax-seed  edgeways. 

I  was  jest  a  going  tu  ask  cousin  John  about  it,  when  the  fiddles 
pulled  up  a  minit,  and  all  tu  once  that  great  picter  give  a  twitch, 
and  up  it  went  like  a  streak  of  chalk,  into  the  ruff,  or  the  Lord 
knows  where.  I  jumped  right  on  eend,  I  was  so  struck  with 
what  I  see. 

Clear  back  where  the  curtain  had  been  was  a  purty  little  gar 
den,  as  nat'ral  as  one  of  our  onion  patches.  It  was  chuck  full  of 
trees  and  flowers,  and  a  snug  leetle  house  stood  on  one  side ; 
clear  back,  jest  under  the  edge  of  the  &ky,  lay  the  soft  water, 
looking  as  blue  and  still  as  could  be.  What  to  make  on  it  I 
couldn't  tell;  it  warn't  like  a  picter,  and  yet  I  couldn't  think 
how  on  arth  there  could  be  room  enough  tu  have  sich  a  pl&ce 
near  the  theatre.  While  I  sot  there  a  bending  for'ard  with  one 
of  my  yaller  gloves  pressed  down  on  each  knee,  and  staring  like 
a  stuck  pig  with  my  mouth  a  leetle  open,  a  lot  of  folks  dressed 
ofl  in  short  jackets  and  trousers  cut  off  at  the  knees,  come  a 
dancing  out  of  the  house,  and  begun  tu  talk  all  at  once,  and 
chatter  and  laugh  together  as  chipper  as  a  flock  of  birds.  They 
seemed  as  happy  as  clams  in  high  water ;  and  the  fellers  skipped 
and  hung  round  the  gals  like  good  fellers. 

But  the  gals  were  dressed  out  too  bad.  I'll  be  darned  if  some 
of  'em  didn't  make  me  feel  streaked,  their  frocks  were  so  short. 
They  didn't  seem  tu  make  no  bones  of  showing  their  legs  half- 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  123 

way  ta  their  knees.  I  swanny  if  I  wasn't  ashamed  of  the  purty 
gal  that  sot  by  me.  Think  sez  I,  if  she  don't  blush  and  feel  all 
overish  I'm  mistaken.  Arter  a  while,  I  give  her  a  slantidicular 
squint,  bnt  she  sot  as  still  as  a  kitten,  and  looking  as  if  bntter 
wouldn't  melt  in  her  mouth,  bnt  was  a  staring  right  straight  at 
the  garden  without  seeming  to  mind  the  gals'  legs  a  bit  more 
than  if  they  had  been  so  many  broom  sticks. 

It  warn't  a  great  while  afore  1  didn't  seem  to  mind  it  much 
either,  for  a  little  old  comical  looking  chap  come  out  in  front  of 
the  garden,  and  begun  to  chatter  and  larf,  and  fling  his  arms 
about  every  which  way,  and  to  tell  about  some  young  gal  that 
was  a  going  to  be  married.  Madeline,  he  called  her. 

Wai,  while  he  was  a  talking,  a  feller,  all  in  red  regimentals, 
come  round  the  house,  as  big  as  my  pussey  cousin,  with  a  set  of 
letters  in  his  hand,  and  blowing  a  tin  toot-horn,  as  if  he  wanted 
us  all  tu  come  tu  dinner.  He  turned  to  be  a  sort  of  post-rider, 
with  letters ;  he  give  one  to  the  funny  old  chap  that  owned  the 
house,  but  it  only  had  another  letter  in  it,  and  that  was  for  the 
gal  that  was  a  going  tu  be  married. 

I  begun  to  feel  awful  curious  tu  see  that  gal,  arter  hearing 
them  talk  about  her  so  much ;  but  the  post-office  feller  cut  up 
his  shines,  and  ordered  the  folks  about  as  obstreperous  as  my 
pussey  cousin ;  a  prime  chap  he  was — and  I  took  a  sort  of  a 
notion  to  him,  he  acted  out  so  slick. 

By-am-by  in  come  the  purtyest  looking  critter  that  ever  I  did 
see ;  she  walked  and  sidled  through  the  garden  like  a  bird  among 
the  green  trees,  and  her  voice  sounded  so  funny  when  she  spoke ; 
she  kinder  cut  her  words  off,  and  lisped  'em  out  so  sweet,  that 
every  word  sounded  chuck  full  of  honey.  I  swan  it  made  my 
heart  rise  right  up  in  my  mouth  every  time  she  spoke.  She  had 
tarnal  harnsome  eyes,  as  bright  as  the  biggest  star  in  the  gill- 
dipper,  and  I  could  almost  tell  what  she  was  a  saying  by  the  cut 
of  her  face ;  I  never  did  see  a  critter  look  so  happy.  She  had 
the  cunningest  leetle  white  hat  that  I  ever  did  see,  stuck  on  one 
side  of  her  head,  with  blue  ribbons  streaming  from  it  over  her 
shoulders ;  on  t'other  side  her  long  shiny  curls  hung  down  on  her 
shoulders,  and  a  harnsome  white  rose  was  stuck  in  them  back  of  her 
ear;  but  it  didn't  seetn  much  whiter  than  her  forehead  and  neck, 


124  U1GII    LIFE    IN    NEW    YOHK. 

for  they  were  as  white  as  the  froth  on  a  pail  of  new  milk  afore 
it  is  strained.  She  had  on  a  blue  silk  frock,  cut  off  a  leetle  too 
short  at  the  bottom,  for  my  notion,  and  her  cunning  leetle  feet 
raly  cut  about  in  them  new  shoes  a  leetle  too  spry ;  I  never  did 
see  anything  so  subtle  as  she  was  in  my  life. 

The  minit  she  came  into  the  garden,  all  the  folks  in  the  gal 
leries,  and  on  the  seats  below,  begun  to  stomp,  and  yell,  and  hol 
ler,  till  I  was  afeard  that  I  made  a  mistake,  and  got  into  a  political 
meeting  agin.  She  began  to  curchy,  and  lay  her  hand  on  her 
bosom,  and  curchy  agin,  all  the  while  a  looking  so  sweet  and 
mealy-mouthed  that  I  wanted  to  eat  her  hull,  I  swow  I  did. 
Arter  a  while  they  begun  to  get  tired  of  making  sich  etarnal 
coots  of  themselves,  and  then  she  begun  to  go  round  among  the 
folks  in  the  garden,  and  give  them  presents,  because  she  was  a 
going  to  git  married  in  the  morning,  tu  a  rich  gentleman  that 
lived  close  by. 

All  tu  once  the  comical  old  chap  called  "Madeline!"  and 
give  her  the  letter  the  post-rider  had  brought  for  her. 

Arter  she'd  gone  into  the  house,  he  begun  to  tell  the  folks  all 
about  her — how  she  was  a  poor  leetle  French  gal  that  he'd 
undertook  tu  bring  up  and  keep  out  of  harm,  when  everybody 
in  her  country  was  afeard  of  their  lives — and  how  she'd  got  a 
brother  yet  in  France,  whose  life  wouldn't  be  worth  four-pence- 
half-penny  if  he  should  once  set  foot  over  in  England ;  for  they 
made  believe  that  all  this  garden  and  things  was  a  going  on  in 
England. 

"Wai,  arter  they'd  all  gone  in,  out  come  Madeline  agin  with  the 
letter  in  her  hand.  I  swanny,  but  I  couldn't  help  but  feel  for 
the  poor  critter.  She  looked  as  if  she'd  been  crying  her  eyes 
out,  but  she  kept  a  kissing  the  letter  and  reading  it  sort  of  loud, 
and  a  crying  all  the  time,  so  that  we  all  found  out  it  come  from 
her  brother,  and  that  he  was  a  coming  tu  take  her  away  with 
him  in  the  morning;  and  it  seemed  to  make  her  feel  bad 
because  he  didn't  know  that  she  was  a  going  to  be  married  then. 
When  she'd  read  her  letter  through,  she  went  into  the  house 
agin,  looking  as  peaked  and  mumble-cropped  as  a  sick  lamb. 

When  the  picter  was  rolled  up  agin,  the  garden  wa*  all  gone, 
and  there  sot  the  purly  leetle  Madeline  in  a  room  with  a  chest 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  125 

open  by  her  filled  with  wimmen's  clothing,  and  there  was  a  rale 
harm;ome  young  feller  a  standing  by  her  that  she  seemed  so 
fond  of,  and  that  she  called  her  brother. 

While  they  were  talking  together,  and  afore  she  had  time  to 
tell  him  she  was  a  going  to  be  married,  there  was  as  allfired 
noise  outside  of  the  door,  and  you  never  see  a  cat  jump  up 
spryer  than  she  did.  She  turned  as  white  as  a  sheet,  and  wrung 
her  leetle  hands,  and  seemed  more  than  half  crazy,  for  she  said 
the  officers  had  cum  arter  her  brother  to  hang  him  for  a  spy. 
She  hugged  him  one  minit,  and  then  she'd  wring  her  hands,  and 
look  round  so  anxious  for  some  place  to  hide  him  in.  At  last  she 
run  to  the  chest,  pulled  all  the  clothes  out  on  it,  and  made  him 
git  in  there — she  put  them  all  back  agin,  and  kivered  it  over 
with  a  great  red  shawl.  She  hadn't  but  jest  sot  down  and  took 
up  her  sewing  work,  when  a  great  etarnal  coot  of  a  feller,  that 
made  my  blood  bile  every  time  I  looked  at  him,  cum  into  the 
room  along  with  another  feller,  and  begun  to  sarch  arter  the 
poor  young  chap  that  she'd  hid  away. 

"We  could  see  that  the  poor  gal  was  eenamost  scared  out  of 
her  senses,  for  she  turned  as  white  as  a  ghost — but  she  cocked 
one  foot  over  t'other,  and  went  on  a  sewing  as  fast  as  could  be. 
I  swanny,  it  made  me  wrathy  tu  hear  the  varmint  how  he  run 
on  agin  the  poor  gal.  I  never  did  see  sich  wioked  eyes  as  hisen 
were  in  my  life,  nor  sich  a  ragged  drunken  looking  shark ;  it 
made  my  grit  rise  every  time  he  looked  towards  that  sweet 
gal. 

The  officer  couldn't  find  nobody,  and  wanted  to  go  hum,  but 
the  tall  shack  went  up  to  the  chest,  and  begun  to  poke  about 
among  the  clothes,  and  asked  what  she'd  got  there.  She  looked 
as  if  she  would  go  off  the  handle  at  that ;  but  she  didn't  give 
up.  Arter  a  minit  she  jumped  up  and  took  up  a  gown  and 
showed  it  to  the  officer,  and  then  she  took  up  a  shawl  and  told 
him  it  was  her  wedding  shawl,  and  she  began  to  run  on  and 
smile,  and  talk  so  coaxing,  and  spread  out  the  shawl  all  the 
time,  till  the  young  feller  in  the  chest  crept  out  and  got  into 
another  room,  while  she  held  the  shawl  afore  him.  They  went 
off  grumbling,  and  consarnedly  wamble-cropped,  for  a  reward 
had  been  offered  for  the  purty  French  gal's  brother,  and  the 


126  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   TOltK. 

< 

etarnal  scamp  meant  tu  git  his  revenge  on  her  and  money  tu 
boot. 

I  was  a  looking  steady  into  the  room,  when  all  tu  once  it  slid 
away,  and  there  was  the  garden  agin,  and  the  outside  of  the 
house,  and  it  was  dark  as  midnight  among  the  bushes.  By-am- 
by  out  came  the  ragged  scamp  and  stood  jest  under  the  poor 
French  gal's  winder,  to  see  what  was  a  going  on,  and  while  he 
was  there,  the  good-hearted  chap,  that  she  was  a  going  tu  be 
married  tu,  came  along  tu  look  at  her  winder,  as  fellers  will 
when  they  are  over  head  and  ears  in  luv. 

Then  the  French  gal  cum  to  the  winder,  and  the  young  feller  that 
she'd  been  a  hiding  away,  jumped  out,  and  she  put  his  cloak  on  and 
hugged  him  as  if  her  heart  was  eenamost  ready  to  bust.  When 
she  see  her  brother  clear  off  she  went  back  tu  bed,  but  the  squire 
and  the  ragged  scamp  Iiad  seen  her,  and  sich  a  row  as  it  kicked 
up  never  was  heard  on  afore. 

In  a  little  while  there  was  sich  a  hubbub  in  the  garden ;  all 
the  wiminen  that  she'd  gin  presents  tu,  got  together,  and  begun 
to  run  out  agin  her,  <md  saying  that  they  always  thought  she 
was  no  better  than  she  ought  tu  be.  The  squire  said  he  wouldn't 
marry  her,  and  the  tarnal  old  man  turned  her  out  of  doors. 

I  thought  I  should  a  boo-hooed  right  out,  when  I  see  her  cum 
out  of  the  door  with  a  bundle  in  her  hand,  a  crying  as  if  she 
hadn't  a  friend  on  arth.  She  was  a  going  away  so  slow  and  sor 
rowful,  when  the  squire  cum  up  and  offered  her  some  money,  for 
he  seemed  tu  fe«l  sorry  for  her,  though  he  thought  she'd  been  a 
cheating  him. 

She  looked  at  him  so  still,  and  yit  so  proud,  as  if  her  heart 
•was  brim  full  of  grief,  but  she  wouldn't  take  his  money.  A 
last  he  told  her  that  the  man  she'd  had  was  took  prisoner.  Oh . 
how  she  did  take  on  then  1  She  wrung  her  hands,  and  sobbed, 
and  cried  enough  tn  make  one  feel  wamble-cropped  to  see  her, 
and  she  said  now  that  her  character  was  gone  and  her  brother 
taken,  that  she  wanted  to  die. 

The  squire  felt  dreadfully  when  he  found  out  that  the  man  was 
her  brother.  So  he  made  up  with  her,  and  she  got  on  tu  a  horse 
and  rode  off  full  chisel  tu  get  her  brother's  pardon. 

%-ara-by  she  got  back  with  the  pardon  for  her  brother,  atd 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  127 

there  was  snch  crying  and  kissing  and  shaking  hands,  as  you 
never  heard  on.  I  bellered  right  out  a  crying,  I  was  so  allfired 
glad  tu  see  the  poor  gal  happy  once  more. 

Wai,  by-am-by,  a  bell  tinkled ;  the  picter  rolled  up  agin  and 
the  fiddlers. begun  to  put  on  elbow  grease  till  the  music  carne 
out  slick  enough.  Instead  of  the  garden  there  was  a  long  ball 
room  with  rows  of  great  shiney  pillars  running  all  through  it. 
It  was  as  light  as  day,  for  there  seemed  to  be  candles  out  of  eight 
among  the  pillars,  besides  a  row  of  lamps  that  stood  along  the 
pen  where  the  musicianers  sot.  I  was  staring  with  all  the  eyes  I 
had  in  my  head,  when  the  harnsomest  critter  I  ever  sot  eyes  en 
cum  flying  into  the  middle  of  the  room,  and  there  she  stood  on 
one  foot  with  her  arms  held  out  and  her  face  turned  towards  us, 
looking  as  bold,  and  smiling  as  soft  as  if  she'd  never  done  noth 
ing  else  all  her  life.  I  was  so  scared  when  she  fust  sprung  in, 
that  I  raly  didn't  know  which  een  my  head  was  on.  The  darned 
critter  was  more  than  half  naked — she  was,  by  golley  !  To  save 
my  life  I  couldn't  look  at  her  right  straight  with  that  blue-eyed 
gal  a  setting  close  by  me.  At  fust  I  was  so  struck  up  that  I 
couldn't  see  nothing  but  an  allfired  harnsome  face  a  smiling  from 
under  a  wreath  of  flowers,  and  naked  legs  and  arms  and  neck,  a 
flying  round  like  a  live  wind-mill.  I  thought  I  should  go  off  the 
handle  at  fust — I  felt  sort  of  dizzy,  and  as  if  I  was  blushing  all 
over.  I  don't  think  I  ever  was  in  such  an  etarnal  twitter  in  my 
hull  life.  I  partly  gut  up  tu  go  out,  and  then  I  sot  down  agin  as 
streaked  as  lean  pork,  and  kivered  my  face  with  my  yaller 
gloves,  but  somehow  I  couldn't  hold  my  hands  still  all  I  could 
du — the  fingers  would  git  apart,  so  that  I  couldn't  help  but  look 
through  them  at  that  plaguey,  darned  harnsome,  undecent  crit 
ter,  as  she  jumped  and  whirled  and  stretched  her  naked  arms 
out  toward  us,  and  stood  a  smiling  and  coaxing  and  looking  tu  the 
fellers.  It  was  enough  to  make  a  feller  cuss  his  mother  because 
she  was  a  woman  ;  but  I'll  be  darned  if  there  ever  was  a  feller  on 
arth  that  could  help  looking  at  the  critter. 

I've  seen  a  bird  charmed  by  a  black  snake,  but  it  was  nothing 
tu  this — not  a  priming.  One  minute  she'd  kinder  flutter  round  the 
room  softly  and  still  like  a  bird  that's  jest  beginning  tu  fly,  then 
she'd  stand  on  one  foot  and  twinkle  t'other  out  and  in  against 


128  nrr.u  I.IFIC  ix  NK\V  YOUK. 

the  anklo  so  swift  you  couldn't  but  jest  see  it.  Then  she'd  hop 
for'ard  and  twist  her  arms  up  ou  her  bosom,  and  stick  one  leg 
out  behind  her,  and  stand  on  one  toe  for  ever  so  long,  till  all  on 
us  had  had  a  fair  sight  on  her  that  way.  Then  she'd  take 
another  hop  and  pint  her  right  toe  forward,  and  lift  it  higher, 
till  by-am-by  round  she'd  go  like  a  top,  with  her  leg  stuck  out 
straight  and  whirling  round  and  round  like  the  spoke  of  a  bro 
ken  wnggin  with  a  foot  tu  it.  It  raly  did  beat  all  that  I  ever  did 
see.  "When  she  stood  up  straight,  her  white  frock  was  all 
sprigged  off  with  silver,  and  it  looked  like  a  cloud  of  snow,  but 
it  didn't  reach  half  way  down  tu  hsr  knees,  and  stuck  out  dread 
fully  behind.  I  hadn't  dared  to  unkiver  my  face  yet,  and  was 
sort  of  trembling  all  over  in  a  dreadful  pucker,  wondering  what 
on  arth  she  meant  tu  do  next,  when  she  give  a  whirl,  kissed  her 
hand,  and  hopped  away  as  spry  as  a  cricket,  jest  as  she  came  in. 

I  swan,  if  I  didn't  think  I  never  should  breathe  straight  agin  ; 
I  raly  wouldn't  a  looked  in  that  purty  blue-eyed  gal's  face  for 
anything;  but  somehow  I  happened  tu  squint  that  way,  for  I  felt 
kinder  anxious  tu  see  how  red  a  gal  could  blush,  and  there  she 
sot  a  smiling  and  a  looking  as  she  raly  liked  the  fun.  She  was 
whispering  to  a  young  feller  that  sot  t'other  side,  and  sez  she — 

"  Aint  it  beautiful !     Oh !  I  hope  they'll  call  her  back  !" 

"  She  will  come,  I  dare  say,"  sez  the  feller  a  larfin,  and  begin 
ning  to  stomp  and  clap  hands  with  the  rest  on  'em  that  were  a 
yelling  and  hooting  like  all  possessed.  "  Celeste  treats  the  Ame 
ricans  very  much  as  a  lover  does  his  lady." 

"  How  so  ?"  sez  the  gal,  looking  sort  of  puzzled. 

"Why,  she  can't  leave  them  without  coming  back  again  ana 
again  to  take  farewell!"  sez  he,  a  larfin;  "but  here  she 
comes !" 

True  as  a  book,  there  she  did  cum,  and  begun  tu  sidle  and 
•whirl,  and  cut  up  her  crancums  all  over  agin.  By  leetle  and 
leetle  I  let  my  hands  slide  down  from  my  face,  and  when  she 
give  her  prime  whirl  and  stuck  out  her  toe  the  last  time,  I  sot  a 
staring  right  straight  at  her,  so  astonished  I  couldn't  set  still. 
for  as  true  as  you  live,  the  nice,  leetle  French  gal  that  was  so 
sweet  and  modest,  and  the  bold,  beautiful  critter  with  her  foot- 
out,  her  arms  a  wavering  around  her  head,  and  her  mouth  jest 


BT   JONATHAN    SLICK.  liK) 

open  enough  tu  show  her  teeth,  was  the  same  individual  critter, 
and  both  on  'em  were  Madame  Celeste. 

I  went  hum.    But  I'll  be  choked  if  them  legs  and  arms,  and 
that  frock  with  the  flowers  over  it  didn't  whirl  round  in  my 
head  all  night,  and  they  ain't  fairly  out  yit. 
Your  lovinsr  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  XII. 

Jonathan  receives  an  Invitation  to  a  Fancy  Ball — Dilemma  about 
the  Dress — Choice  of  a  Character,  &c. 

DEAE  PAR: 

I  du  think  this  ere  trade  of  writing  is  about  the  darndest 
bisness  that  a  feller  ever  took  to.  The  minit  a  man  begins  tu 
git  his  name  up  here  in  York,  the  way  the  gals  du  haul  him 
over  the  coals  is  a  sin  to  Crocket,  as  they  say  down  here.  They 
talk  about  the  Yankees  having  a  nack  of  cheating  people  out  of 
their  eye  teeth.  By  gracious!  if  the  York  folks  don't  know 
how  to  hold  up  ther  end  of  the  yoke  at  that  trade,  I'm  a  coot, 
that's  all.  They  may  take  my  grinders  and  welcome,  but  I'll  be 
darn'd  if  I  give  up  my  Christian  name,  without  making  an 
all-fired  rumpus  about  it.  I  can't  go  down  Cherry-street  now 
without  somebody's  stopping  me  to  find  out  who  writes  my 
letters,  jest  as  if  I  didn't  write  'em  myself.  Some  on  'em  seem 
to  think  it's  a  Portland  chap,  an  allfired  smart  critter,  that  come 
from  down  East,  and  that's  been  a  writing  a  capital  history  of 
the  war  down  on  the  territory  that  haint  got  no  boundary;  and 
people  keep  a  coming  to  the  Express  office  every  once  in  a 
while,  to  find  out  if  Major  Jack  Downing  don't  write  'em  and 
sign  my  name.  I  should  like  to  ketch  him  at  it  once!  Let  him 
or  any  other  chap  put  my  name  to  any  thing  that  I  don't  write, 
and  if  I  don't  lick  him  within  an  inch  of  his  life,  then  he  may 
eteal  my  name  and  welcome. 

"N\>w,  $>est  to  git  the  York  people  out  of  the  etarual  twitter 
'9 


130  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

that  they're  in  to  find  out  who  writes  my  letters,  I've  made  up 
uiy  mind  to  tell  'em  here,  in  one  of  my  letters;  and  if  I  don't 
tell  'em  the  truth,  I  hope  I  may  be  hung  and  choked  to  death, 
so  there! 

In  the  first  place,  I  aint  intimate  with  Major  Jack  Downing, 
and  never  sot  eyes  on  him  in  my  life,  till  t'other  night  at  "the 
Grand  Fancy  Ball,"  as  they  call  it.  He's  a  smart  chap,  but  I'll 
be  darned  if  he  ever  writ  a  word  of  one  of  my  letters  in  his  life, 
—  and  more  than  all  that,  he  don't  know  me  from  Adam  ;  no 
more  does  the  Portland  chap,  or  any  of  the  rest  on  'em,  —  and  I 
dn  think  it's  allfired  hard,  if  I  can't  have  the  credit  of  writing 
letters  on  my  own  hook,  and  nobody's  else.  Now  these  two 
chaps  are  prime  fellers,  and  old  hands  at  the  bisness;  but  I 
never  tried  my  hand  at  writing  a  letter  in  my  hull  life,  till  I 
pent  the  fust  one  to  the  Express  —  and  that  I  put  my  name  tu  as 
large  as  life.  Neither  the  Portland  Major  Jack  Downing,  nor 
the  New  York  Major  Jack  Downing,  nor  our  Sam,  nor  nobody 
else,  has  a  finger  in  my  dish  ;  but  all  the  letters  that  has  my 
name  and  picter  to  'em  are  writ  by  me. 


MB.  JONATHAN  SLICK,  ESQ.     g 

JP 

OHEREY    8TBEET. 

•i- 


That's  my  card  !  as  they  say  at  the  theatre,  —  and  now  I  hope 
the  Yorkers  wont  pester  me  any  more,  to  know  who  I  am. 

Arter  going  to  the  Park  Theatre  t'other  night,  I  begun  to 
feel  sort  of  dissatisfied  with  the  carryings  on  in  this  place,  and  I 
eenamost  made  up  my  mind  to  come  back  to  Weathersfield  and 
stick  to  the  old  business  for  life.  Somehow  I  couldn't  git  them 
naked  -legs  and  arms,  and  so  on,  of  Marm-sel  Celeste  out  of  my 
head,  —  and  I  couldn't  help  feeling  awful  streaked  when  I 
thought  of  them  in  the  day-light.  Sich  sights  aint  fit  for  any 
thing  but  candle-light,  and  then  a  feller  must  be  half  corned 
before  he  can  see  them  •»  ithout  feeling  ashamed  of  all  woman 
kind. 


EV    JONATHAN    91.ICK.  131 

I  da  think,  when  a  chap  begins  to  have  a  bad  opinion  of  the 
tnrarain  folks,  it's  a  sign  that  there  is  something  out  of  the  way 
in  his  own  heart;  but  it  comes  frongh  to  keep  a  feller's  heart  in. 
the  right  place,  while  sicli  sweet,  purty,  indecent  critters  as 
that  Celeste,  are  a  kicking  up  their  heels  and  flinging  all  sorts 
of  queer  ideas  into  his  mind.  Arter  seeing  her  flurish  her  white 
short  gown,  without  petticoat,  afore  all  them  folks,  I  begun  to 
hate  the  gals  like  pison ;  it  seemed  to  me  as  if  they  warn't  made 
for  men's  wives,  or  tu  be  mothers  and  sister's.  It  was  a  hull 
week  afore  I  could  make  up  my  mind  to  go  out  of  my  office, 
and  the  sight  of  a  furbelow  raly  made  me  sick.  I  began  to  rale 
out  agin  all  the  feminine  gender  like  all  natur. 

Wai,  one  morning  I  got  up,  and  sat  down  by  the  stove,  with 
my  legs  stretched  out,  and  my  hands  fingering  the  loose  coppers 
in  my  trousers'  pocket,  when  Cousin  John  come  in,  looking  as 
tickled  as  a  puppy  dog. 

"See  here,  Jonathan,"  sez  he,  "I've  got  an  invitation,  for  you 
to  go  to  a  fancy  ball  to-night,  clear  up  town,  so  I've  come  to  see 
what  you'll  wear,  and  all  about  it." 

"Wai,"  sez  I,  kinder  melancholy,  "I've  got  eenamost  tired  of 
sich  things;  it  raly  don't  seem  to  agree  with  me  frolicking  so 
much,  but  I  suppose  I  may  as  well  go." 

"Wai,"  sez  cousin,  "what  do  you  mean  to  wear?" 

"What  du  I  mean  tu  wear?"  sez  I,  "why,  my  new  clothes 
sartinly:  I  ruther  guess  all  the  shine  haint  worn  off  from  them 
yit,  by  a  great  sight." 

"Yes,"  sez  he,  "but  you  must  go  in  character  to  this  ball." 

"Look  a  here,  cousin,"  sez  I,  a rilin  up  a  leetle,  "I  don't  know 
as  you've  ever  seen  me  go  to  any  place  that  was  out  of  character 
yit,  so  you  needn't  say  that." 

John,  he  colored  up  and  larfed  a  leetle,  and  sez  he,  "  Don't  git 
wrothy,  Jonathan — I  didn't  mean  nothing,  but  the  fact  is,  it  will 
be  best  for  you  to  dress  in  something  a  leetle  different  to  your 
common  clothes.  Supposing  you  dress  like  a  Turk?" 

"What!  like  one  of  them  chaps  that  keep  a  hull  caravan  ot 
wives  shut  up  in  their  housen  ?"  sez  I .  "  I'm  much  obligated  to 
you  for  the  idee — but  I'd  a  leetle  ruther  not.  I'd  jest  as  lives  go 
to  sleej/  and  dream  I  was  a  gad  fly  in  a  black  hornet's  nest." 


132  HIGH    LIFE    IM    NEW    YORK. 

"  "Wai,"  sez  he,  "  supposin  you  let  me  dress  you  up  like  an 
Injun — how  would  you  like  that?  I'll  dress  Mary  up  like  a 
squaw,  and  you  can  walk  in  together." 

"  Why,"  sez  I,  sort  of  puzzled  to  find  out  what  he  was  at,  u  I'd 
ruther  be  an  Injun  any  day  than  be  one  of  them  tarnal  Turky 
fellers ;  but  what  will  the  folks  think  of  us  if  we  come  fixed  out 
e>o  ?  I  should  feel  as  streaked  as  a  piece  of  ribbongrass,  I'm  sartin." 
"  Oh,  never  mind  that,  they'll  be  glad  to  have  you  come  like 
an  Injun;  yon  don't  know  what  a  sight  of  folks  are  a  going. 
There'll  be  Kings  and  Queens,  nuns,  Scotch  ladies,  Englishmen, 
and  women  born  two  hundred  years  ago,  and  all  sorts  of  people." 
"Gracious  gaully  how  you  talk!"  sez  I,  all  in  amaze,  for  he 
seemed  as  arnest  as  an  ox  team. — u  Why,  they  haint  sent  invites 
over  the  water,  have  they  ?" 

"  You'll  see,"  sez  John,  a  larfin  a  leetle  easy,  and  rubbing  his 
hands.  "  But  I  want  a  favor, — wont  you  lend  me  them  old  clothes 
of  yours  to  go  in  ?" 

"  What,  old  blue,  with  the  shiney  buttons,  and  the  pepper  and 
salt  trousers !"  sez  I.  "  Wai  now,  I'd  jest  as  lives  you  had  'em 
as  not  ?  but  raly  if  you  want  to  slick  up,  hadn't  you  better  take 
the  new  fix,  it'll  look  a  good  deal  more  scrumptious  ?" 

*'  No,"  sez  he,  "  I  want  them  that  your  pioter  was  took  in, 
they're  jest  the  thing." 

"  They'll  fit  you  to  a  notch,"  sez  I.  "  The  trousers  may  be  a 
leetle  too  short,  but  I  can  get  the  gallus  buttons  sot  on  strong, 
and  the  pockets  are  nation  handy." 

u  Do,"  sez  he,  "  and  I'll  git  your  dress.  Come  up  to  our  house, 
and,  we'll  all  start  together." 

With  that  John  he  went  away,  and  I  sot  down  all  in  a  flustra- 
tion  to  try  and  make  out  what  he  wanted  me  to  fix  up  like  a 
born  Injun  for  ;  but  the  more  I  tho't  the  more  I  got  in  a  pucker 
tbout  it,  so  I  jest  give  it  up,  and  stopped  thinking  about  it  as 

much  as  I  could. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


BV   JONATHAN    SUCK.  138 


LETTER  XIII. 

Jonathan  Slick  and  the  Grand  Fancy  Ball — Jonathan  in  the  charac 
ter  of  an  Injun,  and  Cousin  Beebe  in  the  character  of  Jonathan- 
Cousin  Mary  as  Jonathan's  Squaw — Jonathan  among  Kings  and 
Queens,  Spaniards,  Turks  and  Jews — Jonathan  meets  his  pussey 
Cousin  ia  the  character  of  a  Turk— Jonathan  cuts  his  pussey 
Cousin. 

DEAR  PAK: 

"Wai,  Thursday,  jest  afore  dark,  I  bundled  up  old  blue,  and  the 
pepper  and  salt  trousers,,  and  pulled  foot  for  Cousin  Beebe's  as 
chirk  as  a  grass-hopper.  The  nigger  set  me  in  and  took  me  up 
stairs  to  a  little  room,  where  John  was  sittin  in  a  great  chair, 
with  the  tarnationest  heap  of  feathers  and  things  about  him  that 
ever  you  did  see.  He  jumped  up  as  soon  as  he  saw  me  with 
the*  bundle  under  my  arm,  and  sez  he — 

44  Come,  hurry  now  and  get  off  your  things,  I  want  to  paint 
you."  "With  that  he  come  along  with  a  saucer  of  red  stuff,  and 
begun  to  stir  it  up  mighty  savage. 

"Wai,  think  sez  I,  that  don't  look  over  inviting — but  I  s'pose 
I  may  as  well  die  for  an  old  sheep  as  a  lamb ;  so  I  took 
off  my  coat,  and  unbuckled  my  stock,  and  let  him  brush  away. 
Didn't  he  snake  on  the  paint  though !  Think  sez  I,  I  don't 
know  how  I  shall  feel — but  if  I  don't  look  streaked,  it  wont  be 
the  fault  of  this  ere  leetle  brush  any  how.  Arter  a  while  ho 
begun  to  ri-bob-skew  my  hair  up  on  the  top  of  my  head ;  I 
raly  couldn't  but  jest  wink,  he  drew  it  so  tight;  but  I  grinn'd 
and  bore  it  as  well  as  I  could.  By-am-by  he  made  me  put  on  a 
red  shirt,  and  sich  a  heap  of  nigger  gimcracks  as  would've  made 
you  larf  only  jest  to  look  at.  When  he'd  tied,  and  pinned,  and 
f-tuck  on  all  the  feathers  he  could  find,  he  told  me  to  get  up  and 
look  in  the  glass.  Gauly-oppalus — what  a  darn'd  lookin  critter 
I  was  I  I  raly  thought  I  should  a  bust,  I  larfed  so ;  my  hair  was 
all  girt  on  the  ton  of  my  head,  and  a  hull  grist  of  red 


134  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

feathers  stuck  into  it  every  which  way,  till  my  head  looked  like 
an  allfired  great  beet,  a  running  to  seed — my  face  was  painted  a 
sort  of  a  brick  color,  with  two  or  three  streaks  of  black  and  yal- 
ler,  to  make  it  look  lively  ;  I  had  on  a  sort  of  a  leather  night 
gown,  without  any  sleeves — all  fringed  off  with  beads,  and 
feathers,  and  quills,  that  made  a  noise  every  time  I  moved,  like 
the  loose  ice  rattling  off  a  tree  arter  a  freezing  rain  ;  besides  the 
legs  of  a  pair  of  leather  trousers,  that  only  come  up  to  my  knees, 
but  they  were  fringed  and  finefied  off  to  kill,  I  can  tell  you. 
The  shoes  were  smashers,  though  they  sot  to  my  feet  as  slick  as 
a  biscuit,  and  felt  as  soft  as  a  silk  weed  pod.  You  never  saw 
anything  worked  off  so — purty  leetle  shiney  beads  glistened  all 
over  with  them,  and  they  were  kivered  all  over  with  flowers, 
and  spangled  off  with  silver,  till  they  took  the  shine  off  eenainost 
anything  I  ever  did  see. 

I  don't  know  what  got  into  me,  but  the  minit  I  got  the  Injun 
toggery  on,  I  begun  to  feel  as  subtle  and  slirnpsey  as  an  eel,  and 
the  way  I  flourished  about  and  kicked  up  my  heels,  beat  Miss 
Celeste  all  to  nothing.  I  raly  thought  Cousin  John  would  a  died 
a  larfin.  "  Look  a  here,"  sez  he,  "  don't  kick  up  a  pow-wow  till 
you  get  to  the  ball.  Did  you  ever  see  a  rale  full-blooded 
Injun?" 

"  I  rnther  surmise  so,"  sez  I. 

"  Wai,"  sez  he,  "du  you  think  you  can  act  one  out?" 

"  Can't  I !     Look  a  here — don't  I  du  it  as  slick  as  a  whistle  ?" 
sez  I,  and  with  that  I  looked  as  savage  as  a  meat-axe,  and  be 
gun  to  strut  up  and  down  the  room  like  a  turkey-gobbler  on  the 
sunny  side  of  a  barn-yard. 

"That'll  du,"  sez  John;    "now  you  must  have  some  medi 
cine." 

"  I'll  bet  a  copper  I  don't,  though,"  sez  I ;  "  I  desnise  all  kinds 
of  doctor-stuff,  and  if  you  git  any  o'  your  rhubarb,  o.  oalouael,  or 
Brandreth's  pills  down  me  I'll  lose  my  guess." 

Here  John  went  off  the  handle  agin,  like  a  broken  co."ee  mill, 
and  the  way  he  did  tee-hee  was  enough  to  make  a  feller's  damler 
rise. 

"Look  a  here,"  sez  I,  a  walking  straight  up  to  him,  "you 
needn't  larf,  nor  try  to  come  your  soft  sodder  ov«r  me.  I  don't 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  135 

believe  its  the  fashion  to  take  pills  here  in  York,  afore  a  chap 
goes  to  a  ball ;  and  I  won't  do  it.  There  now,  I've  sot  down  my 
foot." 

It  was  a  good  while  afore  John  could  ketch  his  breath ;  but 
arter  all  he  gin  up — and,  sez  he,  "  Here,  you  haint  no  objections 
to  carrying  this  thing,  and  calling  it  medicine,  have  you  ?" 

"  Not  the  least  in  natur,"  sez  I, — and  with  that  I  took  a  sort 
of  a  young  woodchuck  skin,  stuffed  out  till  it  looked  nat'ral  as 
life,  and  I  tucked  it  under  my  arm,  and  went  down  stairs  to  see 
Low  Cousin  Mary  looked. 

As  sure  as  a  gun  there  she  sot  all  dressed  out  to  kill — her  hair 
•was  braided  in  great  long  tails,  and  all  hung  over  with  silver  and 
gold,  and  leetle  bunches  of  red  feathers.  A  row  of  short  red 
and  yaller  and  blue  feathers  went  round  her  head,  and  was  twisted 
together  on  one  side,  with  a  gold  cord  that  had  two  long  tossels 
made  out  of  gold  and  leetle  shiney  beads,  that  hung  glistening 
over  her  shoulder  as  bright  as  a  handful  of  ripe  currents,  when 
the  sun  strikes  'em. 

I  swow,  but  Mary  did  make  a  purty  leetle  squaw — her  frock 
was  made  out  of  the  whitest  leather  you  ever  did  see,  and  was 
kinder  like  my  no-sleeved  coat,  only  a  great  deal  harnsomer  and 
bull  all  round.  It  didn't  come  clear  down  to  her  feet  and  that 
tarnal  leetle  foot  and  ankle  of  her'n  did  cut  a  swath  in  the  leetle 
glistening  shoes  and  them  figgered  silk  stockings.  It  raly  made 
me  ketch  my  breath  to  look  at  her,  she  was  so  consarned  harn- 
Bome.  I  thought  I  should  a  bust  when  cousin  Beebe  came  into  the 
room  in  my  old  blue  coat  and  pepper  and  salts,  with  his  hat 
etuck  on  the  back  of  his  head,  aud  his.hands  in  his  pockets.  It 
was  me  all  over,  cow-hide  boots,  red  hankercher  and  all. 

By-am-by  the  nigger  come  in  and  said  that  the  carriage  was  at 
the  door,  so  we  all  up  and  got  into  it  about  the  quickest,  and  off 
we  driv  full  split  up  town,  till  we  come  to  a  whopper  of  a  house 
clear  up  to  Seventeenth  street.  When  we  got  eenamost  there, 
the  horses  couldn't  but  jest  git  along,  there  was  sich  a  grist  of 
carriages  streaking  it  one  arter  another  toward  the  house.  They 
put  me  in  mind  of  a  string  of  onions  jest  broke  loose,  they  were 
go  tarnal  thick. 

Arter  a  good  while  we  driv  chuck  up  to  the  stun  walk  that  had 


136  HIGH   LIFE    IK    NEW    YORK. 

a  lot  of  tow  sheets  stretched  out  over  it  to  keep  folks  dry,  and 
went  right  straight  up  to  the  stoop,  where  a  couple  of  s-pruce- 
lo<>king  chaps  with  red  riobons  stuck  in  their  button  holes,  come 
up  and  took  us  through  a  great  long  entry  way,  where  the  lights 
ten-imost  dazzled  a  feller's  eye?,  to  a  sort  of  a  twistilied  pair  cf 
st'iirs. 

I  kinder  wanted  to  stop  by  a  stun  table,  sot  off  in  the  back  pait 
of  the  entry  way,  and  take  a  swig  of  punch,  but  I  hadn't  time  to 
git  a  hull  swaller  afore  John  and  Mary  were  half  way  up  stairs, 
so  I  pulled  foot  and  went  arter  'em  sort  of  wamblecropped  at 
having  to  choke  off  from  the  punch,  for  it  was  tlie  rale  critter,  I 
can  tell  you. 

Mary  she  went  into  a  great  harnsome  room,  chuck  full,  and 
running  over  with  gal.«,  for  I  took  a  sly  peak  through  the  door  as 
she  went  in,  jest  to  see  what  was  a  going  on ;  and  then  Cousin 
Beebe  and  I  went  into  another  room,  and  walked  round  till  she 
cum  out  agin.  Down  we  went  through  the  entry  way  till  we 
come  to  a  door  at  the  further  eend. 

"  Why  don't  you  give  Mary  your  arm  t"  sez  John  to  me,  jest 
as  I  was  walking  along  toward  the  door. 

"  If  I'm  to  play  Injun  to-night,"  eez  I,  "  I'll  do  it  according  to 
my  own  notion  if  you'd  jest  as  livs.  I  never  see  an  Injun  and 
squaw  a  hooking  arms  yet, — so  cousin  Mary  may  jest  walk  behind 
rue,  if  she  aint  too  stuck  up." 

With  that  I  tucked  the  woodchuck  under  my  arm,  and  walked 
right  straight  ahead  as  stiff  as  a  crowbar.  Gracious  me !  what  a 
smasher  of  a  room  we  went  into — it  was  all  set  off  with  yaller 
and  blue  settees  and  benches,  and  every  sich  thing,  eenamost  as 
slick  as  my  pu«sey  cousin's  room,  and  the  darndest  set  of  critters 
were  a  dancing  and  a  sidling  about  that  ever  I  did  see.  There 
warn't  no  carpet  on  the  boards,  and  if  they'd  a  been  a  mind  tu, 
they  might  have  shinned  it  down  about  rijjht,  but  instead  of  that 
they  went  curchying  and  scooting  about,  jest  like  so  many  torn 
tit-<  on  the  bank  of  a  river.  It  raly  made  my  grit  rise  to  see  a  set 
of  folks  come  from  all  the  four  quarters  of  the  globe,  to  a  party, 
that  didn't  know  how  to  dance  an  eight  reel  or  munny-muss  aa 
it  ought  to  be  done.  They  didn't  seem  to  mind  us  when  we  went 
in,  or  else  I  should  a  felt  awful  streaked  a  standing  up  there  like 


BIT    JONATHAN    SLICK,  137 

a  darned  Injun,  with  Mary  by  me.  I  felt  sartin  of  not  being 
known,  and  so  I  kept  a  purty  stiff  upper  lip,  and  looked  on  jest 
to  see  how  foreign  gentry  acted  when  they  were  tu  hum.  There 
was  a  swad  of  tarnal  harnsome  wimmen  in  the  middle  of  the 
room  curchying  and  twistifying  and  wriggling  about  one  another, 
and  making  believe  dance  like  all  natur.  But,  oh  forever !  how 
the}'  were  dressed  out !  One  on  'em  had  on  a  great  long  black 
silk  cloak,  witl)  sleeves  to  it,  and  a  sort  of  white  bib  hanging 
down  before,  for  fear  she'd  spill  the  wine  and  sweet  sarce  on  to 
her  dress  when  she  eat,  I  s'pose,  and  she  looked  sort  a  like  a  nice 
harnsome  chap,  and  sort  a  like  a  gal,  kinder  half  and  half,  like  a 
fence  politician.  There  was  a  gal  close  by  her  dressed  out  to  kill ; 
her  shoes  were  tied  on  with  red  ribbons,  over  a  leetle  stuck  up 
foot,  that  looked  good  enough  to  eat ;  and  she  had  on  three  open 
dresses,  one  over  t'other,  made  out  of  white  silk  and  thin  shiny 
stuff,  bound  and  trimmed  off  with  strips  of  gold;  the  sleeves 
hung  down  like  a  feller's  shirt,  but  there  warn't  no  ristband  to 
'em,  and  they  hung  wide  open,  so  that  her  pesky  white  arm  shone 
out  enough  to  dazzle  a  feller's  eyes.  She  had  two  allfired  great 
breast  pins,  one  on  'em  spread  out  like  a  sun  on  her  bosom,  and 
another  down  to  her  waist,  all  sot  chuck  full  of  stuns,  that  kept 
a  glistening  in  the  light,  like  a  handful  of  sparks  out  of  a  black 
smith's  chimney.  She  wore  another  of  these  glistening  leetle 
suns  on  her  harnsome  white  forehead ;  her  long  shiney  curls  hung 
down  on  her  shoulders,  and  a  white  veil,  that  looked  like  a  cloud 
with  the  sunshine  a  pouring  into  it,  dropped  over  them.  I 
whispered  to  cousin  Mary,  and  asked  who  the  darned  likely  crit 
ter  could  be.  She  said  she  come  from  Peru,  and  was  a  priestess, 
or  something,  of  the  sun.  Before  I  could  get  a  chance  to  n*k 
whose  son  it  was  that  she  preached  tu,  and  1o  say  that  I  shouldn't 
grumble  if  sich  a  critter  as  that  should  preach  a  trifle  easy  to  Mr. 
Zepheniah  Slick's  son — up  come  a  leetle  black-eyed  gal,  about 
knee  high  to  a  toad,  with  a  stick  in  her  hand,  and  curls  a  hang 
ing  all  over  her  shoulders. 

"  Hellow,"  sez  I,  "•  none  of  that  are,"  as  she  hit  my  woodchuck 
a  dab  with  the  stick,  and  run  off  larfin,  ready  to  bust  her  leetle 
sides.  Before  I  knew  which  eend  my  head  was  on.  up  comes 
another  set  of  leetle  queer  looking  gals,  so  young  that  they  didn't 


138  HIGH    LIFE    I1C    NEW    YOHK. 

•eem  much  more  than  babies,  that  ought  to  have  been  spanned 
and  put  to  bed,  instead  of  being  there.  They  were  dressed  off  in 
short  frocks,  and  glistened  like  a  hail  storm ;  but  where  they 
coine  from  I  couldn't  tell,  for  they  all  had  wings  on  their 
shoulders,  and  I  never  read  of  such  winged  critters  on  this  arth, 
and  it  didn't  seem  as  if  children  would  be  sent  from  t'ot.her 
world  to  a  York  ball.  Before  I  could  say  Jack  Robinson,  they 
made  themselves  scarce,  and  then  sich  sights  of  men  and  wim- 
inen  cum  a  walking  about,  some  dressed  like  angels  jest  dropped 
down,  some  in  regimentals,  and  all  sorts  of  ways,  that  ever  a  fel 
ler  dreamed  of.  I  swan,  if  I  didn't  begin  to  git  dizzy  with  look 
ing  at  'em. 

I  kept  by  the  door  yit,  a  huggin  my  woodchuck,  and  a  won- 
derin  how  on  arth  the  man  that  gave  the  party  made  out  to  send 
round  to  all  parts  of  the  world  to  git  his  folks  together,  when  I 
happened  to  give  a  squint  towards  cousin  Beebe,  and  I  bust  right 
out  a  larfin,  all  I  could  du  to  help  it.  There  he  stood  with  hi* 
month  sort  of  open,  and  both  hands  dug  down  into  the  pockets 
of  my  old  pepper  and  salts,  a  staring  about  like  a  stuck  pig. 
Arte^  a  minit,  he  went  up  to  the  slick  leetle  gal,  right  from 
Spain,  with  shiney  black  hair,  eyes  as  bright  as  a  hawk's,  and  a 
great  long  black  veil  a  streaming  down  her  back,  and  he  made  a 
bow  and  asked  her  to  dance  as  genteel  as  I  could  a  done  myself 
Pokehontas  1  but  didn't  he  make  the  old  cowhides  flnrish  about. 
The  way  he  balanced  up  and  played  heel  and  toe  back  agin,  was 
"Weathersfield  all  over.  The  old  blue  and  pepper  and  salts  had 
put  the  grit  into  him  about  right.  I  don't  believe  he'd  felt  s<> 
nat'ral  afore  since  he  left  Connecticut.  I  thought  Mary  would  a 
gone  off  the  handle,  she  was  so  tickled,  and  I  had  to  go  away  to 
keep  from  haw-hawing  right  out. 

I  went  along  through  a  great  wide  door  into  a  room  all  set 
off  with  blue,  that  had  a  pen  full  of  fiddlers  at  the  further  eend, 
where  some  folks  from  Turkey  and  Amsterdam  were  a  whirling 
the  foreign  gals  round  and  round  like  so  many  horses  a  grinding 
cider.  I  couldn't  look  at  'em  without  feeling  my  dander  ri>e, 
yet  I  couldn't  help  but  be  sort  of  glad  that  the  great  people 
from  foreign  parts  made  as  tarnal  coots  of  themselves  as  we  du 
here  to  hum.  There  wasn't  a  cal  dressed  out  like  a  true  born 


xz"    JONATHAN    SLICK.  139 

American  among  'em ;  but  the  way  they  did  flirt  round  with 
the  men  a  hugging  them,  and  the  light  a  pouring  down  from  the 
heaps  of  glass  and  white  candles  over  head,  was  as  bad  as  I  ever 
see  in  a  rale  York  party.  It  kinder  made  me  dizzy  to  look  on, 
BO  I  jest  turned  my  back  and  begun  to  take  an  observation  of 
the  consarned  harnsome  picters  that  hung  agin  the  wall  and  lis 
tened  to  the  music  that  come  a  streaming  from  the  fiddles  and 
horns  and  bass  viols  as  slick  as  a  streak  of  chalk  iled  at  both 
eends.  By-am-by  I  seemed  to  git  tired  of  that,  so  up  I  went  to 
see  if  I  couldn't  find  out  where  the  Kings  and  Queens  had  hid 
to  ;  for  I  had  a  kind  of  a  hankerin  notion  to  see  what  kind  of 
stuff  they  were  made  on. 

Wai,  I  went  along  the  entry-way,  only  jest  stopping  time 
enough  to  take  a  swig  of  drink  from  the  stun  table,  till  I  got 
into  a  room  where  they  kept  the  Kings  and  Queens.  The  light 
come  down  almighty  powerful  over  the  great  thick  red  carpet, 
and  the  settees  and  foot-stools  and  chairs  glistened  out  like  a  bed 
of  tulips  in  a  hot  sun.  But  the  Queens,  it  raly  did  make  me 
ketch  my  breath  to  look  on  'em.  Sich  consarned  beautiful  crit 
ters  I  never  did  see.  They  beat  all  horned  cattle  that  ever  I  sot 
eyes  on.  One  on  'em  sot  on  a  foot-stool,  with  her  feet  sort  of 
crossed  in  a  letter  X.  She  had  shiney  trousers  on,  all  spangled 
off,  and  a  kind  of  a  silk  frock-coat  puckered  up  awfully  at  the 
waist,  with  a  lot  of  them  shiney  stuns  round  her  neck,  and  on 
her  arms,  and  among  her  thick  hair,  and  all  over,  till  she  glis 
tened  as  if  she'd  been  out  among  a  storm  of  firebugs.  There 
was  a  leetle  hump-backed  critter  of  a  man,  all  finefied  off  with 
satins,  and  feathers,  and  velvet,  and  gold;  but  a  darn'd  queer 
ehote  he  was  for  a  king !  So  I  jest  went  by  him,  and  the  odd 
looking  Queen  squat  on  the  foot-stool  that  he  was  a  talking  to, 
as  chipper  as  could  be,  and  sidled  sort  of  bashful,  woodchuck 
and  all,  up  to  a  tall,  harnsome,  stuck-up  looking  Queen,  that 
stood  a  talking  to  a  chap  with  a  great  long  feather  in  his  cap, 
that  they  called  a  Night.  She  had  on  a  great  long  shiney  velvet 
dress,  that  streamed  out  behind  like  the  tail  of  a  comet,  and 
round  her  beautiful  head  was  a  rale  ginuine  crown,  that  seemed 
as  if  it  struck  fire  every  time  she  moved  her  head  ,•  it  raly  made 
my  eyes  snap  to  look  on  it. 


140  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

Think  sez  I  to  myself,  u  Wai,  I  never  did  speak  to  a  Queen 
yit — but,  by  gaully !  I'll  have  a  try  at  it  this  time — Injun  or  no 
Injun." 

I  didn't  exactly  know  how  to  begin,  but  I'd  heard  say  that 
folks  always  got  down  on  their  marrow  bones  when  they  spoke 
to  sich  stuck  up  quality ;  and  think  sez  I,  what's  manners  for  a 
white  man,  must  be  manners  for  an  Injun.  So  I  went  whop 
down  on  my  knees,  and  sez  I — "  Look  a  here,  Marm  Queen, 
shouldn't  you  like  a  nation  well  to  have  a  look  at  a  rale  prime 
Yankee  woodchuck  ?  They  are  curious  critters,  I  call  tell  you !" 

"With  that,  I  held  up  the  consarned  little  critter,  and  begun  to 
stroke  down  his  back  as  if  he'd  been  a  pussy  cat. 

The  Queen  kinder  jumped  and  stepped  back,  and  said,  "  Oh, 
my !"  and  a  leetle  finefied  boy,  dressed  off  to  kill,  that  stood 
behind  her  a  holding  up  the  eend  of  her  frock,  he  begun  to 
snicker,  and  at  last  he  tee-heed  right  out. 

Arter  a  minit,  the  Queen  begun  to  larf  too,  and  she  sartinly 
was  about  the  sweetest  lookin  critter  that  I  ever  did  see,  with 
her  purty  mouth  opening  like  a  red  rose-bud,  and  her  leetle 
white  teeth  a  shining  inside. 

"  Before  I  take  your  medicine,"  sez  she,  "  tell  me  what  tribe 
you  belong  to  ?" 

I  didn't  know  what  on  arth  to  say,  for  I  never  could  twist  my 
jaws  with  one  of  them  crooked  Injun  names — but,  sez  I  to 
myself,  I  calculate  that  a  queen  aint  nothing  but  a  woman  arter 
all,  and  it'll  only  make  her  think  the  more  of  me  if  I  keep  dark, 
so  I  shook  my  head  as  if  there  was  a  good  deal  in  it,  and  sez  I — 

"  Oh,  marm,  that's  telling.  You  aint  the  first  gal  that  has 
tried  to  find  me  out;  but  it's  plaguey  hard  work  a  kneeling  down 
here,  so  if  you'd  jest  a»  livs  I'll  stand  up — but  I  raly  wish  you'd 
let  that  leetle  shaver  of  your'n  tend  my  woodchuck  awhile — I'm 
eenamost  tuckered  out  a  carrying  it." 

Here  the  other  Queens  and  all  the  Kings  and  Nights  come  a 
crowding  round  us  all  in  a  twitter  to  hear  what  we  were  so 
chipper  about.  I  begun  to  feel  a  sort  of  streaked  with  so  many 
of  them  lofty  foreign  cattle  a  •  looking  at  me,  so  I  put  out  my 
elbow,  and  sez  I  to  the  Queen—  sez  I, 

"  Will  you  take  my  arm  and  let's  go  and  see  if  we  can't  find  a 


BT   JONATHAN    SLICK.  141 

bite  of  something  to  eat — I'm  a  gittin  kinder  hungry,  aint 
you?" 

She  seemed  to  hang  back  a  minit  as  if  she  was  loth  to  go,  but 
they  all  begun  to  giggle  and  said  they'd  go  along,  so  she  put  her 
leetle  white  hand  on  my  arm,  and  away  we  went,  the  eend  of 
her  frock  a  streaming  put  behind,  and  the  leetle  chap  a  holding 
on  as  you've  seen  a  kitten  to  an  old  cat's  tail. 

"Wai,"  think  sez  I,  "if  marm  could  see  me  now  a  streaking 
up  these  ere  stairs  with  a  ginuine  Queen  on  one  arm  and  a 
stuffed  woodchuck  under  t'other,  and  a  hull  grist  of  Kings  and 
Queens  coming  arter  us,  it  seemed  to  me  that  she'd  allow  that 
I'd  been  lifted  up  a  notch  or  two  above  the  vulgar  since  I  left 
hum." 

In  all  my  born  days  I  never  saw  a  table  that  could  hold  a  can 
dle  to  the  one  we  found  all  set  off"  in  one  of  the  big  rooms  up 
stairs.  There  was  no  eend  to  the  silver  and  glasses  a  glitterin 
and  flashin  up  among  the  eatables  and  drinkables.  The  visiters 
couldn't  git  to  but  one  side  of  the  table,  and  on  t'other  side  was 
a  hull  grist  of  waiters  and  niggers  a  bustling  about  like  a  swarm 
of  black  wasps  in  a  tantrum. 

I  gin  the  Queen  a  heap  of  good  things,  and  it  raly  did  me  good 
to  see  how  she  nibbled  at  'em ;  the  way  she  stowed  away  the 
jellies  and  presarves  was  as  much  like  any  of  our  York  gals  as 
if  she  hadn't  been  a  Queen. 

"When  she'd  eat  about  enough  I  crooked  my  elbow,  and  wo 
went  down  stairs  jest  as  we  cum  up — Kings  and  Queens  and 
Nights  and  Injuns  and  all — a  rale  mixed  up  squad.  As  soon  as 
I'd  found  a  seat  for  the  queen  I  cut  stick  as  stiff  as  could  be.  At 
fust  I  was  a  going  to  make  her  a  bow  before  I  went  away,  but  I 
wasn't  exactly  sartin  whether  Injuns  ever  larn  them  things,  so  I 
pulled  in  and  cut  away  to  the  big  ball  room  tickled  eenamost  to 
death  with  the  notice  that  had  been  taken  of  me. 

I  was  a  looking  round  arter  Cousin  Mary,  when  a  leetle  slim 
stuck  up  critter  cum  up  to  me  with  her  yaller  hair  all  a  flying 
and  her  wings  spread  like  a  frightened  butterfly,  and  afore  I 
thought,  what  I  was  at,  I  bust  right  out. 

"  Good  gracious,"  sez  I,  "  If  it  aint  my  etarnal  pussey  cousin's 
leetle  finefied  darter  Jemima !" 


142  HICH    LIFiC    IX    NilW    \o\.K. 

The  Critter  heard  me  and  run  up  and  spoke  to  a  fat  old  Turk 
of  a  feller  in  a  frock  and  trousers  and  with  a  red  hankercher 
twisted  round  his  head.  He  got  up  and  whispered  to  a  pusdey 
sort  of  a  woman  all  kivered  over  with  yaller  silk  and  glistening 
like  a  bank  of  ice  with  gold  and  stuns,  and  up  they  all  threo 
cuni  a  fluttering  like  a  fl-ock  of  hens  at  seeing  a  handful  of  corn, 
and  the  woman  she  stuck  out  her  fat  hands  and  squealed  out, — 

"  Oh,  cousin  Slick,  is  that  you?  I  declare  I'm  delighted  that 
Jemima  has  found  you  out.  How  very  bright  of  her  wasn't 
it?  but  then  she  is " 

I  didn't  hear  any  more,  for  the  foreign  quality  turned  round 
and  stared  with  all  the  eyes  they  had  in  their  heads.  I  cut  and 
run — pulled  foot  like  sacred  sheep,  till  I  got  outside  the  door. 
For  there,  as  sure  as  a  gun,  was  my  pussy  cousin  and  his  wife 
turned  Turks.  It  was  bad  enough  to  have  him  a  struttin  round 
to  show  a  feller  off,  in  his  black  coat  and  trousers ;  but  I  raly 
believe  I  should  a  gin  up  if  he'd  a  cum  up  in  his  Turk's  frock 
and  great  wide  silk  trousers  to  claim  relationship  with  me. 

My  heart  riz  up  in  my  throat  at  the  idee  of  going  back  tu  join 
the  stuck  up  varmints,  and  it  was  a  good  while  before  I  could 
make  up  mind  to  skulk  back  and  look  up  Cousin  Beebe  and 
Mary.  She  was  a  dancing  with  the  humped-backed  King,  and 
John  was  a  shinnin  it  down  like  all  natur  with  a  purty  woman, 
that  wore  a  shiney  black  velvet  dress,  all  kivered  over  with 
silver  stars.  It  raly  did  me  good  to  see  him  take  the  double 
shuffle  ;  but  I  was  allfired  anxious  to  git  away,  for  fear  of  seeing 
them  pussy  Turks  agin,  that  he  choked  off,  and  we  went  hum 
about  as  well  tuckered  out  as  ever  you  see  three  critters. 

Arter  all  I  don't  think  these  ere  foreigners  are  anything  to 
speak  on  more  genteel  than  our  ginuine  Americans.  Mebhy  it's 
because  they  hain't  got  used  tu  our  ways  yet,  but  some  on  'em 
seemed  tu  be  rather  awk'ard  in  their  blazin  fine  dresses,  but  I 
e'pose  it  made  'em  feel  bad  tu  see  how  kinder  easy  we  free  born 
Americans  felt  with  them. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  BLIOK. 


BT   JONATHAN   SLICK.  143 


LETTER  XIV. 

Advice  to  Jonathan  from  the  Humstead — Jonathan's  criticism  on  hia 
Brother  Sam's  book — The  ennui  of  Jonathan  in  good  society — 
Jonathan's  entre  into  a  Milliner's  Establishment,  and  sad  mistake 
about  a  Side-saddle. 

DEAB  PAE: 

It  raly  makes  me  feel  bad  to  have  you  keep  a  writin  so  much 
advice  to  me.  I  du  want  to  please  you ;  and  I  don't  think  there 
ever  is  a  time  in  the  world  when  a  chap  can  know  enough  to 
turn  up  his  nose  at  his  father's  advice;  but  it's  my  ginuiue 
opinion,  that  when  you  let  a  feller  go  away  from  hum,  it's  best 
to  let  him  cut  his  own  fodder. 

You've  gin  me  a  first  rate  edecation  for  your  parts,  and  you've 
also  told  me  to  be  honest  and  industrious,  but  sharp  as  a  razor. 
The  truth  is,  you've  sort  of  cultivated  me,  as  you  du  our  onion 
patches,  but  arter  you've  dug  them  up  and  put  the  seed  in,  and 
kept  the  weeds  out  till  the  ginuine  roots  get  stuck  purty  deep 
and  the  tops  shoot  up  kinder  thrifty,  haint  you  also  found  it  to 
du  best  to  leave  'em  grow  accordin  to  natur,  with  nothing  but 
the  night  dew  and  rich  arth  and  the  warm  sunshine  to  help  'em 
along ;  and  don't  they  git  ripe  and  run  up  to  seed  and  down  to 
root,  and  bring  in  the  hard  chink  jest  as  well  as  if  you  kept  dig- 
gin  about  'em  and  trimmin  'em  up  from  morning  till  night?  If 
you  keep  the  weeds  out  when  they're  young,  and  manure  the 
arth  well  in  the  spring,  there  haint  so  much  danger  that  the  soil 
will  grow  barren  all  tu  once,  or  that  the  weeds  can  spring  up  so 
quick  as  to  choke  a  good  tough  onion.  It  ain't  in  natur,  ask  our 
minister  if  it  is. 

Now  don't  you  be  scared  about  me,  if  I  du  go  to  the  theatre 
once  in  a  while,  or  dress  up  like  a  darned  coot  of  an  Injun  jest 
to  see  what  etarnal  ninny-hammers  kings  and  queens  and 
quality  can  make  of  themselves.  I  ain't  in  no  danger,  I  can  tell 
you.  A  feller  that's  ytt  his  eye  teeth  in  his  head  can  al'ers  sea 


f44  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

enough  to  larf  at  in  his  sleeve,  and  to  make  him  pity  hwnan 
natur  without  forgitting  that  lie's  a  man,  and  that  he  was  born 
to  du  good,  and  not  spend  his  hull  life  in  trying  to  cut  a  dash. 
Don't  you  nor  inarm  worry  about  me — I  may  be  a  leetle  green 
at  fust,  but  I  shall  come  out  right  side  up  with  care,  yit,  you 
may  be  sartin  on  it. 

I  feel  sort  of  wamblecropped  to  day,  par,  for  I've  jest  been  a 
reading  our  Sam's  new  book  about  the  Great  Western.  I  was 
np  to  cousin  Beebe's  when  he  brought  it  hum,  and  begun  to  read 
it  to  Mary.  He  hadn't  read  more  than  twenty  pages  afore 
cousin  Mary  made  believe  a  headache,  as  women  always  du 
when  they  feel  oneasy  about  anything,  and  she  cut  and  run  with 
about  the  reddest  face  I  ever  did  see.  I  felt  as  streaked  as  a  win 
ter  apple,  and  cousin  John,  sez  he — 

"  Jonathan,  if  the  folks  off  in  Canada  hadn't  made  Sam  a  judge, 
I'd  stick  to  it  that  he  wasn't  a  relation  of  mine ;  his  book  raly 
ain't  fit  to  read  afore  the  wimmen  folks." 

I  wanted  to  stick  up  for  Sam,  but  I'll  be  darn'd  if  I  could  see 
how  to  du  it,  for  the  book's  an  allfired  smutty  thing,  and  that's 
the  fact;  but  I  thought  what  consarned  rough  words  the  printers 
sometimes  put  in  my  letters  to  you,  when  I've  writ  something 
very  different, — and  so,  think  sez  I,  I'll  put  it  off  onto  the 
printers  and  publishers;  for  I'll  be  choked  if  I  don't  believe 
they've  made  as  much  of  a  mistake  in  publishing  the  book  as 
Sam  did  in  writing  it.  So  sez  I, 

"  Sam's  fust  book  was  a  peeler,  and  a  credit  to  the  family ; 
and  I  haint  the  least  doubt  that  this  one  would  been  jest  as  good, 
if  Sam  hadn't  strained  to  beat  t'other,  and  so  broke  his  bridle 
The  ginuine  grit  aint  all  sifted  out  on  'm,  I'll  bet  a  cookey ;  and 
I  haint  the  least  doubt  that  the  printers  spiled  this  one.  They're 
etarnally  twistifying  my  words  into  some  darn'd  thing  or  other 
that  would  make  a  minister  swear.  Sometimes  they  trans 
mogrify  what  I  write  till  I  shouldn't  know  as  it  was  mine  ;  but 
then  you  know,  cousin  John,  it  aint  everybody  that  knows  how 
tu  spell  out  the  ginuine  English  as  we  du  in  Weathersfield." 
Cousin  John  he  smiled,  and  then  I  kept  on,  and  sez  I, 

"  It  raly  made  me  grit  my  teeth  to  read  sich  things,  and  think 
Mhe  purty  gals  would  believe  that  I  writ  them.  I  didn't  blame 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  145 

my  par,"  sez  I,  "  for  writing  me  a  great  long  letter  of  admonition 
about  sich  words  ;  but  he  ought  to  have  known  better  than  to 
believe  I  put  them  there.  It  aint  in  mynatur  to  write  anything 
that  the  most  mealy-mouthed  gal  on  arth  mightn't  read  out  loud 
afore  all  the  chaps  in  creation  ;  and  if  any  on  'em  see  anything 
that  don't  come  right  up  to  the  chalk,  in  the  way  of  gentility, 
they  may  be  sartin  it  aint  mine.'''1 

My  dear  par,  jest  you  keep  easy  about  me, — and  if  you  and 
marm  want  to  jaw  any  body,  haul  our  Sam  over  the  coals  and 
earmouize  him  ;  you'll  find  fust  rate  picking  on  that  goose, — but 
I  haint  but  jest  begun  to  put  out  my  pin  feathers  yit. 

Wai  now,  I  may  as  well  give  you  a  leetle  notion  of  my  goings- 
on  here,  since  I  went  to  that  smashing  ball,  and  eat  presarve-i 
with  a  rale  queen.  Somehow  I've  begun  to  git  sort  of  tired  ot 
th«  big  bugs  and  the  tippies,  they're  all  too  much  alike,  and  arter 
a  chap's  been  to  a  few  of  their  parties,  and  balls,  and  so  on,  he 
kinder  loathes  their  darned  soft  fineficd  nonsense,  as  well  as  the 
cider  and  sweet  sarse  that  they  stuff  a  feller  with. 

Going  among  quality  is  like  boarding  at  a  fust  rate  tavern. 
At  fust  a  critter  don't  know  what  to  du  with  himself  he's  so 
tickled  with  the  nice  things  on  the  table,  but  by-and-by  his  sto 
mach  begins  to  turn  agin  the  chickens,  and  turkeys,  and  young 
pigs,  and  takes  tu  a  hankering  arter  pot-luck  and  plain  pork  and 
beans. 

This  sort  of  feeling  kinder  settled  on  me  arter  the  ball.  I  raly 
was  eenamost  sot  agin  the  harnsome  critters  that  sidle  up  and 
down  Broadway,  with  leetle  round  things,  made  out  of  silk,  about 
as  big  as  a  good  sized  toad-stool,  stuck  up  before  their  faces,  to 
keep  the  sun  off;  so  I  eenamost  made  up  my  mind  to  put  on  the 
old  pepper  and  salts  agin,  see  a  leetle  of  human  natur  among 
the  gals  that  git  their  own  living,  and  work  themselves  to  death 
to  make  them  stuck  up  critters  in  Broadway  look  as  harnsome 
as  they  du. 

I'd  heard  say  that  there  were  lots  of  purty  gals  to  work  in  the 
milliners'  stores  up  in  Division  street,  and  in  the  Bowery,  bnt 
somehow  I  didn't  exactly  know  how  to  git  acquainted  with  any 
on  'em.  I  never  felt  a  mite  bashful  about  scraping  acquaintance 
with  stuck  up  critters,  like  my  pussey  cousin's  wife  and  Miss 
10 


146  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

Miles ;  but  when  I  see  a  harnsome  innocent  young  gal  a  going 
out  arly  in  the  morning  and  a  coming  home  late  at  night,  and 
working  like  a  dog  to  arn  a  decent  living,  somehow  my  heart 
rises  up  in  my  throat,  and  insted  of  shinning  up  to'  em,  and  talk 
ing  soft  sodder,  as  I  du  to  the  tippies,  I  feel  sort  of  dashed,  and  as 
if  a  chap  ought  to  take  off  his  hat,  and  let  them  see  that  honest 
men  respect  them  the  more  because  they  are  alone,  with  nobody 
to  take  care  of  them. 

I  never  see  one  of  hem  harnsome  young  critters  going  along 
hum,  arter  working  hard  all  day,  to  arn  something  to  live  on, 
and  mebby  to  feed  their  pars  and  mars  with,  but  I  git  to  thinkin 
how  much  a  ginuine  chap  ought  to  prize  them  for  keeping  honest, 
and  industrious,  and  vartuous,  when  they  haint  much  to  encou 
rage  them  to  du  right,  and  generally  have  a  good  deal  to  tempt 
them  to  do-  wrong,  insted  of  turning  up  their  noses  at  'em  afore 
folks,  or  a  tryin  to  tempt  them  into  sin  and  wickedness  behind 
people's  backs.  It  has  raly  made  my  blood  bile  more  than  ever 
to  see  foreign  and  dandefied  chaps,  like  that  hairy  lipped  Connt, 
go  by  them  gals  in  the  day  time,  with  their  noses  up  in  the  air, 
and  a  looking  as  if  the  purty  critters  warn't  good  enough  to  go 
along  the  same  stun  walk  with  them,  and  the  stuck  up  quality 
ladies ;  when  any  body  that  took  pains  to  watch  the  etarnal  var 
ments  arter  dark,  might  ketch  them  a  hanging  round  the  dark 
corners  of  the  streets,  and  a  chasing  arter  them  same  Avorkinjj 
gals  like  so  many  darn'd  yaller  foxes  scouting  round  a  hen  coop, 
arter  the  geese  and  turkeys}  chaps  that  would  run  a  man  through 
with  a  sword-cane  or  a  bagonet  if  he  dared  to  look  sideways  at 
his  wife  or  sister,  will  impose  on  an  honest  gal  if  they  can  git  a 
chance,  and -think  it's  allfired  good  fun  tu.  Darn  such  feller* I 
hangin's  too  good  for  'em  I  I  tell  you  whafc,  par,  you  may  talk 
about  people's  being  born  free  and  equal,  .and  about  liberty,  and 
independence,  and  all  that,  but  it's  my  opinion  that  there  aint  a 
place  on  arth,  where  the  people  try  to  stomp  each  other  down  to 
the  dirt  more  than  they  du  here  in  York. 

Wai,  I  wont  finish  off  this  ere  sarmon,  so  your  minister  needn't 
get  wamblecropped,  for  fear  111  cut  him  out.  But  I'll  jest  tell 
yon  what  put  all  these  sober  notions  into  my  head. 

You  hainj  forgot  that  Judy  "White  had  a  cousin  that  come  here 


BT    JONATHAN    SLICK.  147 

to  York  tx  larn  a  trade.  She  was  a  tarnal  sweet  purty  critter 
when  she  come  away  from  Weathersfield.  as  plump  as  a  par 
tridge,  and  with  cheeks  as  red  as  a  rosy.  Judy  made  me  pro 
mise  a  good  while  ago  that  if  ever  I  come  down  to  York  I'd  go 
and  see  her  cousin  ;  but  somehow  it  does  make  a  teller  forget  old 
friends  to  be  always  going  to  parties  and  dinners  with  these  big 
bugs,  and  it  warn't  till  t'other  day  that  I  thought  anything  about 
Susan  Reed. 

The  fust  minit  she  come  into  my  head  I  up  and  went  straight 
along  the  Bowery,  detarmined  to  find  the  place  that  she  worked 
at,  and  see  how  she  was  getting  along.  I  had  forgot  the  number, 
out  when  I  come  to  a  store  that  was  all  windows  in  front,  and 
that  had  a  smasher  of  a  bonnet  hung  agin  every  square  of  glass, 
besides  beautiful  caps  and  ribbons  and  posies  as  nat'ral  as  life, 
hung  up  between,  I  made  up  my  mind  that  I'd  hit  the  right  nail 
on  the  head,  and  so  in  I  went  as  independent  as  a  wood-sawyer's 
clerk. 

A  leetle  bit  of  a  stuck  up  old  maid  stood  back  of  a  counter,  all 
sot  off  with  bonnets  and  feathers  that  looked  tempting  enough 
to  make  a  feller's  purse  jump  right  out  of  his  trousers'  pocket. 
She  had  on  a  cap  all  bowed  off  with  pink  ribbons,  that  looked 
queer  enough  round  her  leetle  wizzled  up  face,  and  a  calico  frock, 
figgered  out  with  great  bright  posies,  besides  one  of  them  ere 
sort  of  collars  round  her  neck,  all  sprigged  and'ruffled  off  as  slicV 
as  a  new  pin.  Her  waist  warn't  bigger  round  than  a  quart  cup, 
and  she  stuck  her  hands  down  in  the  Dockets  of  her  dashy  silk 
apron,  as  nat'ral  as  I  could  a  done  it  myself.  I  was  jest  a 
going  to  ask  if  Susan  Reed  worked  there,  when  a  lady  come  in 
and  wanted  to  buy  a  bonnet.  At  it  they  went,  hand  over  first, 
a  bargainin  and  a  tfyin  on  red  and  yaller  and  pink  and  blue  bon 
nets. 

The  milliner  she  put  one  sort  on.  and  then  another,  and  went 
on  pouring  out  a  stream  of  soft  sodder,  while  the  lady  peaked  at 
herself  in  a  looking-glass,  aijd  twi&tified  her  head  abofi't  like  a 
bird  on  a  bramble  bush,  and  at  last  said,  she  didn't  know,  she'd 
look  a  leetle  further,  mebby  she'd  call  agin,  if  she  didn't  suit 
herself,  and  a  heap  more  palavar,  that  made  the  leetle  woman 
look  as  if  she'd  been  a  drinking  a  mug  of  hard  cider.  - 


148  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YOKK. 

While  the  lady  was  trying  to  edge  off  to  the  door,  and  the 
milliner  was  a  fullering  her  with  a  blue  bonnet,  and  a  great  long 
white  feather  a  streaming  in  her  hand,  I  jest  took  a  slantindicu- 
lar  squint  at  the  glass  boxes  that  stood  about  chuck  full  of  jira- 
cracks  and  furbelows,  for  there  was  something  in  one  of  'em  that 
raly  looked  curious.  It  was  a  sort  of  a  thing  stuffed  out  and 
quilted  over  till  it  stood  up  in  the  glass  box  as  stiff  and  parpen- 
dicular  as  a  baby's  go-cart. 

I  jest  put  my  hands  down  in  my  pockets  sort  of  puzzled,  and 
stood  a  looking  at  the  critter  to  see  what  I  could  make  on  it. 
Arter  I'd  took  a  good  squint  at  the  consarn,  up  one  side,  down, 
t'other,  and  down  the  middle,  right  and  left,  I  purty  much  made 
up  my  mind  that  it  was  one  of  them  new-fashioned  side-saddles, 
that  I'd  heard  tell  on,  and  I  took  a  notion  into  my  head  that  I'd 
buy  one  and  send  it  to  marm.  So  when  the  leetle  old  maid  cum 
back  from  the  door,  I  jest  pinted  at  the  saddle,  and  sez  I, 

"What's  the  charge  for  that  are  t..ing?" 

"  Why,  that  pair,"  sez  she,  a  sticking  her  head  on  one  side,  and 
a  burying  her  hands,  that  looked  like  a  hawk's  claws,  down  in  the 
pocket  of  her  cunning  short  apron,  "I'll  put  them  to  you  at 
twelve  dollars;  they're  French-made,  'lastic  shoulder  straps, 
stitched  beautifully  in  the  front,  chuck  full  of  whalebone — and 
they  set  to  the  shape  like  the  skin  to  a  bird." 

Lord  a  massey,  how  the  little  stuck  up  critter  did  set  off  the 
the  talk  !  I  couldn't  shove  in  a  word  edgeways,  till  she  stopped 
to  git  breath,  and  then  sez  I, 

"  I  s'pose  you  throw  in  the  martingales,  sirsingle,  and  so  on, 
don't  you  ?" 

"  The  what,"  says  she,  a  stepping  back,  and  squinting  up  in  my 
fiice  sort  of  cross,  as  if  she  didn't  like  to  throw  in  the  whole 
harnessing  at  that  price. 

"The  martingale,"  sez  I,  "and  the  sirsingle;  but  mebby  yon 
have  some  other  name  for  'em  down  here  in  York.  I  mean  the 
straps  that  come  down  in  front  to  throw  the  chest  out,  and  give 
the  neck  a  harnsome  bend,  and  the  thing  to  girt  up  in  the 
middle  with.  Marm  wnnt  know  how  to  use  this  new-fashioned 
tiling  if  I  don't  send  all  the  tackle  with  it." 

"  Oh,"  sez  the  milliner,  "  I  didn't  understand ;  you  want  th« 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  141' 

laces  and  the  steel  in  front ;  sartinly  we  give  them  in.  The  steel 
is  kivered  with  kid,  and  the  laces  are  of  the  strongest  silk." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  never  heard  of  a  steel  martingale,  and  I  should 
be  afeard  they  wouldn't  be  over  pliable." 

"  Oh,"  sez  the,  "  you  can  bend  'em  double,  they  give  so." 

"  How  you  talk,"  says  I,  "  it  raly  is  curious  what  new  inven 
tions  people  du  have,  but  somehow  it  sort  of  .seems  to  me  that  a 
silk  girt  might  be  a  leetle  too  slimpsey,  don't  you  think  so 
inarm  ?" 

"  Lor,  no  sir,"  sez  she,  "  they  are  strong  enough,  I  can  tell  you  ; 
jest  take  a  look  at  the  Broadway  ladies,  they  never  use  anything 
else,  and  they  girt  tight  enough,  I'm  sure." 

I  hadn't  the  least  idee  what  the  critter  was  a  diving  at;  she 
see  that  I  looked  sort  of  puzzled,  and  I  s'pose  she  begun  to 
think  that  I  shouldn't  buy  the  saddle. 

"  Look  a  here,"  sez  she,  a  putting  her  hands  on  both  sides  of  her 
leetle  stuck  up  waist ;  "I've  got  'em  on  myself,  so  you  can  judge 
how  tight  they  can  be  fitted." 

"  Gaully  offalus !"  sez  I,  a  snorting  out  a  larfing,  and  a  eyeing 
the  leetle  finefied  old  maid ;  but  I  didn't  think  it  was  very  good 
manners  to  burst  right  out  so,  and  I  tried  all  I  could  to  choke  in. 
Gracious  me !  think  sez  I,  no  wonder  the  York  gals  have  such 
humps  on  their  backs,  since  they've  got  to  wearing  saddles  like 
horses. 

By-am-by,  arter  I'd  eenamost  bust  myself  a  trying  to  stop  larf 
ing,  it  come  into  my  head  that  the  critter  of  a  milliner  was  a  try 
ing  to  poke  fun  at  me,  cause  I  wanted  to  beat  her  down  :  for  I 
couldn't  believe  the  tippies  quite  so  bad  as  to  girt  up  and  strap 
down  like  a  four  year  old  colt.  Wai,  think  sez  I,  I'll  be  up  to 
her  anyhow;  so  I  looked  jest  as  mealy-mouthed  as  if  I  believed 
her,  and  sez  I,  as  innocent  as  a  rabbit  in  a  box  trap,  sez  I, 

"  If  the  wimmen  folks  have  took  to  wearing  saddles,  I  s'pose 
they  haint  forgot  the  bridles  tu ;  so  I  dont  care  if  I  take  this 
•  ere  pair  for  some  old  maids  we've  got  in  our  parts.  If  I  had  my 
way,  they'd  all  be  bitted  the  minit  they  turned  the  fust  corner. 
Darn'd  talking  critters  them  old  maids  are,  marm,"  sez  I,  a  look 
ing  at  her  sort  of  slanting,  jest  to  let  her  see  she  hadn't  got  hold 
of  quite  so  great  a  greenhorn  as  she  seemed  to  think. 


150  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

Lord  a  Massey,  how  she  did  look !  Her  leetle  wizzled  up 
face  begun  to  twist  itself  up  till  it  looked  like  a  red  winter  apple 
puckered  up  by  the  frost.  I  didn't  seem  to  mind  it,  but  put  my 
hand  down  in  my  pocket  sort  of  easy,  and  begun  to  whistle 
Yankee  Doodle. 

"  You  haint  got  no  bridle's  then  ?"  sez  I,  after  a  minit ;  for  she 
looked  wrathy  enough  to  spit  tire,  and  sot  up  sich  an  opposition 
in  the  pocket  line,  that  I  was  raly  afeard  her  leetle  hands  would 
bust  through  the  silk  or  break  her  apron  strings,  she  dug  down 
BO. 

" Bridles  1  no!"  sez  she,  as  spiteful  as  a  meat-axe  jest  ground, 
"but  I'll  send  out  and  git  a  halter  for  you,  with  all  my  heart." 

"  Gaully  I"  sez  I,  "  but  you're  clear  grit — smart  as  a  steel  trap, 
aint  you  ?" 

u  Yes,"  sez  she,  more  spiteful  yet,  "  when  it  snaps  at  some 
animal  like  you,  that  don't  know  enough  to  keep  out  of  its  teeth?" 

Think  sez  I,  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick,  Esq.,  it's  about  time  for  you 
to  haul  in  these  horns  of  your'n.  You  aint  no  match  for  a 
woman,  anyhow;  there  never  was  a  critter  of  the  feminine 
gender,  that  couldn't  talk  a  chap  out  of  his  seven  senses  in  less 
than  no  time. 

"  Gaully,"  sez  I,  "  you've  about  used  me  up — I  begin  to  feel 
streaked  as  lean  pork  in  the  bottom  of  a  barrel.  I  guess  I  shan't 
tackle  in  with  a  smart  critter  like  you  agin  in  a  hurry  1  but  don't 
git  too  mad ;  it'll  spile  that  harnsome  face  of  your'n.  I  swan  ! 
but  I  should  thiak  you  was  eenamost  thirty  this  minit,  if  I  hadn't 
Been  the  difference  before  you  begun  to  rile  up." 

Didn't  the  puckers  go  out  of  her  face  when  I  said  this  !  She 
•was  mollified  down  in  a  minit.  I  don't  s'pose  she  ever  had  twenty 
years  took  off  from  her  good  fifty  so  slick  afore  in  her  hull  life  ; 
but  it  aint  human  natur  to  come  out  all  to  once, — at  any  rate,  it 
aint  an  old  maid's  natur,  when  her  back  once  gits  up.  So  when 
I  see  her  darned  thin  lips  begin  to  pucker  and  twist  into  sort  of 
a  smile,  I  let  off  a  leetle  more  soft  sodder,  that  wilted  her  down 
like  a  cabbage-leaf  in  the  sun  ;  and  then  sez  I,  a  pinting  to  the 
glass-box— 

*'  Come,  now,  s'posing  we  strike  up  a  trade.  I've  took  a  sort 
of  a  sneaking  notion  to  that  ere  new-fashioned  side-saddle.  So 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  151 

if  you'll  throw  in  the  tackling,  I'll  give  you  ten  dollars  for  it, 
cash  on  the  nail." 

"  That  what  ?"  said  she,  a  looking  fust  at  me  and  then  at  the 
saddle,  with  her  mouth  a  leetle  open  and  her  eyes  sticking  out 
like  peeled  onions.  "That  what?'' 

"  Why,  that  are  saddle,"  sez  I,  beginning  to  feel  my  dander 
rise. 

"That  saddle,"  sez  she,  "that  saddle;  why,  sir,  did  you  take 
that  pair  of  French  corsets  for  a  saddle  ?" 

With  that  she  slumped  down  into  a  chair,  and  kivered  her  face 
with  both  hands,  and  larfed  till  I  raly  thought  the  critter  would  a 
split  her  sides.  The  way  she  wriggled  back'rd  and  fored,  tee- 
heeing  and  haw-hawing,  was  enough  to  make  a  Presbyterian 
Missionary  swear  like  a  sea  captain. 

"That  saddle !"  sez  she,  a  looking  up  from  between  her  hands, 
and  then  letting  off  the  fun  again  as  bad  as  ever.  "  That  saddle  I 
Oh, 'dear,  I  shall  die.  Did  yoji  really  take  that  pair  of  French 
corsets  for  a  side-saddle,  sir?  Oh,  dear,  I  shall  die  a  larfin!" 

Didn't  I  feel  streaked  though !  Only  think  what  an  etarnal 
coot  I  had  made  of  myself,  to  take  a  pair  of  gal's  corsets  for  a 
side-saddle.  "  Darn  the  things,"  sez  I,  and  it  was  as  much  as  I 
could  du  to  keep  from  putting  foot  to  the  glass  case,  and  kicking 
it  into  the  street.  I  felt  the  blood  bile  up  into  my  face,  and 
when  the  old  maid  bust  out  agin,  and  I  see  a  hull  grist  of  purty 
faces  come  a  swarming  to  a  glass  door,  that  they'd  hauled  back 
a  curtain  from,  I  could  have  skulked  through  a  knot  hole,  I  felt 
eo  dreadful  mean.  But  by-am-by  I  begun  to  think  they  had  more 
<sause  to  be  ashamed  than  I  had.  Who  on  arth  would  ever  have 
thought  them  stiff  indecent  looking  things  were  made  for  a  deli 
cate  gal  to  wear?  I  felt  dreadfully  though,  to  think  that  I'd 
been  a  talking  about  a  gal's  under-riggin,  to  a  woman  so  long, 
but  after  a  few  minits  I  begun  to  think  that  I  needn't  fret  myself 
much  about  that.  The  woman  that  stuck  them  things  out  in  the 
street  for  young  fellers  to  look  at,  needn't  go  off  in  a  fit  of  "the 
dreadful  suz,"  because  a  chap  asks  the  price  of  them.  "  So,  who 
cares!"  sez  I. 

The  old  maid  jumped  up,  arter  she'd  larfed  herself  into  a 
caniption  fit,  and  out  on  it  agin — and  she  run  into  the  bacK  room 


162  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   YORK. 

where  the  gals  were.  It  warn't  more  than  a  minit  before  there 
was  in  there  sich  a  pow-wow  and  rumpus  kicked  up, — ihe  gals 
begun  to  hop  about  like  parched  corn  on  a  hot  shovel.  They 
sot  up  sich  a  giggle  and  tee-heeing,  that  I  couldn't  a  stood  it  ono 
minit  longer.  But  all  tu  once  I  heard  somebody  say, 

"My  gracious,  it's  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick,  from  our  parts !" 

At  that  they  all  choked  in,  and  were  as  still  as  mice  in  a  flour 
bin.  I  looked  to  the  glass  door,  and  there  stood  Susan  Keed,  a 
holding  back  the  curtain  with  one  hand  and  peaking  through  a 
square  "of  glass  to  be  sartin  it  was  me.  I  tell  yon  what,  but  the 
gal  looked  like  a  picter,  and  a  darned  purty  picter  tn,  as  she 
stood  a  holding  back  the  heap  of  red  cloth  in  her  dark  colored 
calico  dress,  and  black  silk  apron  that  made  her  neck  and 
face  look  as  white  as  a  lily.  The  rosy  cheeks  that  she  used  to 
have  in  Weathersfield  were  all  gone,  and  her  eyes  seemed  as  if 
they'd  grown  larger  than  they  ever  were  before.  I  don't  know 
when  I've  seen  a  gal  that  has  took  my  notion  as  she  did  while 
she  was  a  standing  in  that  door.  Arter  a  minit  I  see  her  fling 
her  head  back  till  the  long  shiney  curls  streamed  in  heaps  over 
her  shoulder,  and  I  heard  her  say, — 

"  Oh,  let  me  go  out ! — I'm  sure  it's  him." 

"  What  of  that  ?"  I  heard  the  old  maid  squeak  out,  as  sour  as 
vinegar ;  "  he  aint  no  relation,  is  he  ?" 

"  No,  no,"  sez  Susan,  a  droppin  the  curtain,  and  a  speaking  as 
if  her  heart  was  brim  full  and  a  running  over ;  "  but  he  come 
from  "Weathersfield, — we  went  to  school  together ;  he  come  from 
home, — I  must  speak  to  him !" 

With  that  she  opened  the  door  and  come  towards  me,  a  hold 
ing  out  her  hand  and  a  trying  to  smile  ;  but  the  tears  were  a 
standing  in  her  great  blue  eyes,  and  I  raly  thought  she  was  a 
going  to  bust  right  out  a  crying.  I  knew  she  was  a  thinking 
about  the  old  humstead,  and  when  I  remembered  how  them 
darned  lawyers  cheated  her  old  mother  out  of  house  and  hum, 
I  felt  so  bad  I  could  a  cried  tu,  jest  as  well  as  not. 

I  went  right  up  and  shook  hands,  and  sez  I — 

"  How  do  you  du,  Susan  ?  I  swanny  1  but  the  sight  of  you  is 
good  for  sore  eyes ;  it  raly  seems  like  old  times,  only  jest  to  look 
at  you." 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  153 

She  kinder  smiled  a  leetle,  and  sez  she  "  How  are  all  the  folks 
in  Weathersfield  ?" 

u  Oh,  they  were  all  so  as  to  be  crawling  about  when  I  come 
away,"  sez  I.  "Sally  Sikes  has  got  married,  I  s'pose  you 
know." 

"  And  how  is  cousin  Judy  ?"  sez  she. 

"  Pnrty  wall,  sonsiderin,"  sez  I ;  and  you  can't  think  how  all- 
overish  I  felt  to  hear  any  body  speak  of  Judy  so  fur  from  hum. 
I  was  jest  a  going  to  say  something  to  keep  her  from  asking  any 
thing  more  about  the  gal,  when  the  old  maid  she  come  out,  and 
sez  she — 

"  Miss  Reed,  I  don't  hire  you  to  talk  with  young  fellers  in  the 
front  shop." 

Gaully  !  didn't  my  blood  bile,  I  could  a  knocked  the  stuck  up 
leetle  varmint  into  a  cocked  hat,  but  Susan  she  looked  sort  of 
scared,  and,  sez  she, 

"  Call  and  see  me,  Mr.  Slick,  at  my  boarding-house:  I  shall  be 
so  glad  to  talk  over  old  times."  The  tears  bust  right  into  her 
blue  eyes  as  she  spoke,  and  she  looked  so  humsick  I  raly  felt  for 
her. 

"What  time  shall  I  call?"  sez  I,  a  follering  her  to  the  glass 
door. 

"  I  haint  a  minit  that  I  can  call  my  own  till  arter  eight  o'clock 
at  night,"  sez  she ;  "  but  if  you'll  call  some  evening  I  shall  be 
glad  to  see  you." 

"  I  shall  sartinly  come,"  sez  I,  and  arter  shaking  hands  with  her 
agin  I  went  out  of  the  store  and  hum  to  my  office,  a  feeling  purty 
considerably  humsick  and  with  more  ginuine  human  natur  bilin 
ap  in  my  heart  than  I'd  felt  since  I  cum  to  York. 

Tour  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


K4  HIGH    LIFE   IN    NEW    TORE. 


LETTER  XV. 
Jonathan  visits  the  Milliner   girl— Reflections  about  her  situation. 

DEAR  PAB  : 

I  couldn't  seem  to  rest  easy  till  I  went  to  see  Susan.  She 
boarded  in  a  sort  of  a  gloomy  house  eenamos>t  up  to  Dry-dock. 
I  knocked  away  at  the  door  with  my  knuckles  ever  so  long  afore 
I  could  make  any  body  hear.  By-am-by  Susan  come  to  the  door 
herself,  and  she  took  me  up  a  pair  of  stairs,  kivered  with  rag  car 
peting,  into  a  leetle  stived  up  room  with  a  stove  in  it.  Two 
leetle  squalling  brats  were  a  playing  on  the  floor,  ard  a  harnsoiue 
woman,  but  not  over  nice  in  her  fixings,  sot  in  ono  corner,  a 
sewing  on  a  round-about.  Susan  she  was  dressed  up  jest  as  she 
•was  in  the  milliner's  store;  she  looked  peaked  and  eenamost 
tuckered  out,  but  the  rainit  I'd  got  seated,  she  took  hold  with  the 
woman  and  begun  to  sew  away  for  dear  life. 

u  You  seem  to  be  rather  industrious,"  sez  I. 

She  smiled  sort  of  mournful,  and  sez  she,  so  low  I  couldn't  but 
jest  ketch  the  words, 

"  I'm  obliged  to  be  or  starve." 

Think  sez  I,  there's  something  that  aint  right  here,  and  with 
that  I  begun  to  talk  aborit  the  prices  of  the  work,  till  I  found 
out  that  with  all  her  hard  trying,  it  was  more  than  she  could  du 
t»  am  a  decent  living.  I  begun  to  talk  about  hum  and  the  time 
•when  I  used  to  lend  her  my  mittens  when  she  was  a  leetle  gal  and 
her  fingers  were  cold ;  but  all  I  could  do  she  wouldn't  chirk  up, 
l>ut  the  other  woman  she  got  rale  sociable  and  told  me  lots  of 
stories  about  milliners  and  sewing  girls,  and  as  I  was  going  hum 
I  took  it  into  my  head  that  I'd  write  some  on  'em  out  for  the 
Express. 

I  mean  to  send  one  on  'em  next  week,  but  I  raly  think  they 
ought  to  shell  out  more  chink  than  they  du  for  my  letters,  for 
I've  l.ad  to  study  the  dictionary  two  days  a  ready  to  sarch  out 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  155 

long  words,  and  I  Laint  got  half  enough  yit.  I  went  to  Cousin 
Beebe  about  it,  and  he  said  that  raebby  I'd  better  study  some  oi 
the  arly  English  writers  before  I  begun  to  write  stories,  or  else 
"Washington  Irving,  Cooper,  or  some  of  them  chaps  might  cut 
me  out.  I  didn't  jest  know  what  he  meant  by  arly  writers,  but 
made  up  my  mind  that  it  was  them  that  begun  to  write  when  they 
was  shavers,  so  I  went  into  a  bookstore  and  told  them  I  wanted 
to  buy  a  good  book  that  was  writ  by  some  English  youngster. 

"Here's  a  work  by  Boz,"  say  he,  a  handing  down  a  big  book  ; 
"he  begun  the  youngest  and  writes  the  beat  of  any  of  the  folks 
across  the  water."  I  bought  the  book  and  went  back  to  my  of 
fice.  Gaully-oppalus,  bat  aint  that  Boz  Dickens  a  smasher !  if 
he  don't  beat  all  natur,  nobody  does.  If  I  could  write  like  him  I 
raly  should  bust  my  dandy  vest,  I  should  be  so  puffed  up.  I  kept 
on  reading  eenamost  all  night,  and  more  than  once  I  bust  i  ight 
out  a  crying  afore  I  knew  it.  I  swan  to  man  that  leetle  .Jell 
that  he  writes  about  is  the  sweetest,  purtyest  critter  that  any 
body  ever  dreamed  on.  Oh!  how  I  wish  you  would  read  the 
Btory  about  her,  it's  as  good  as  the  Pilgrim's  Progress  any  day. 

Then  there's  a  mean,  etarnal  sneaking  coot,  a  Mr.  Quilp,  that 
drunk  bilin  hot  licker  out  of  a  skillet,  and  licked  a  poor  peaked 
little  critter — his  wife — amost  to  death  every  once  in  a  while, 
and  when  he  hadn't  her  handy  he  took  to  cudgelling  a  wooden 
image.  I  swan  to  man,  it  made  my  blood  bile  to  read  about  sich 
dreadful  carryings  on ;  but  yit  when  I  cum  to  con.>ider  and  think 
on  it  all  over,  it  kinder  seems  to  me  as  if  Boz  Dickens  had  stretched 
his  galluses  a  trifle,  in  writing  out  sich  an  allfired  spiteful  var 
mint.  Human  natur  is  bad  enough,  any  how ;  but  my  papsr  ia 
run  out,  and  I  aint  but  jest  room  to  subscribe  myself 
Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


156  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW   TOIIK. 


LETTER  XVL 

HISS     JOSEPHINE     BURGES8 — A   TALE. 

In  which  Jonathan  shows  up  the  Hardships  of  Sewing  Girls — De 
scribes  a  Tammany  Hall  Ball — Milliner  Aristocracy  and  Exclusive- 
ness — Informs  the  reader  how  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  took  a  tall 
man  with  whiskers  into  her  Establishment,  who  took  her  in  in  re 
turn — The  desperation  of  a  little  Apothecary — His  Marriage,  and 
the  Ascent  of  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  from  the  front  store  to  a 
work  room  a  little  higher  up. 

f 

JLIBS  JOSEPHINE  BURGESS  was  as  purty  a  gal  as  ever  trod  shoe 
leather ;  but  she  was  awfully  stuck  up,  and  got  into  all  kind  of 
finefied  notions,  arter  her  par,  the  old  shoemaker,  died  and  left 
her  his  arnings.  She  was  an  awful  smart  critter  though,  and 
had  a  sort  of  a  notion  which  side  her  bread  was  buttered  on, 
as  well  as  anybody  you  ever  sot  eyes  on.  Instid  of  spending  the 
seven  hundred  dollars,  which  the  stingy  old  coot  of  a  shoemaker 
left  behind  him,  all  in  hard  chink,  she  sot  up  a  milliner's  and 
dress-maker's  store  in  the  Bowery ;  and  it  raly  would  have  done 
the  old  chap's  ghost  good,  to  have  seen  how  she  contrived  to 
turn  the  sixpences  and  half  dollars  that  he'd  been  hoarding  up 
PO  long  in  an  old  pepper-and-salt  stocking,  for  fear  of  losing  'em. 
A  tarnal  snug  bisness  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  was  a  doing,  I  can 
tell  you.  If  she  didn't  know  how  to  make  things  gibe,  there 
"wasn't  a  gal  in  the  Bowery  that  did,  you  may  be  sartin.  She 
raly  had  11  talent  lor  the  bisnes$ — a  sort  of  genius  in  the  bonnet 
•way.  With  her  own  harnsome  leetle  fingers  she  cut  and  snipped 
and  twisted  and  pinned  on  the  shiney  stuff  and  ribbons  to  all  the 
caps  and  bonnets  turned  off  by  the  ten  peeked  looking  thin 
young  girls  that  worked  twelve  hours  out  of  every  twenty-four,  in 
a  garret  bed-room,  in  the  back  of  the  house,  where  Miss  Jose 
phine  Burgess  kept  her  store.  Her  thin  peeked  looking  young 
girls  ini^rbt  have  enjoyed  themselves  if  they  only  had  a  mind  to  I 


BY   JONATHAN   BUCK.  14,7 

There  never  was  such  a  prospect  as  they  had  to  look  upon  when 
they  got  tired.  If  they  jest  turned  their  bright  eyes  up  to  get  a 
peek  at  the  sky,  there  was  a  hull  regiment  of  chimnies,  all  a 
sending  out  smoke  like  a  company  of  Florida  sogers  ;  and  if  they 
looked  down,  there  were  ever  so  many  backyards  cut  up  into 
sort  of  pig  pens,  with  lots  of  bleech  boxes  a  pouring  out  tho 
brimstone  smoke,  and  old  straw  bonnets  strung  out  to  dry,  that 
made  every  thing  look  comfortable  and  like  live.  Miss  Joseph 
ine  Burgess  was  a  purty  good  boss  considerin.  She  let  her 
gals  have  half  an  hour  to  eat  their  dinners  in,  and  if  any  on  'em 
didn't  happen  to  get  to  the  shop  at  seven  o'clock  in  the  morning 
she  never  docked  off  more  than  half  their  day's  wages.  She 
was  rather  apt  to  get  out  of  temper  once  in  a  while ;  but  then 
insted  of  blowing  the  gals  up,  as  some  cross  grained  critters  will, 
she  only  blew  up  their  work,  and  made  them  du  it  all  over  agin ; 
.which  was  a  more  easy  way  of  spitting  out  spite,  and  putting  a 
few  coppers  into  her  own  pocket ;  for  when  it  took  half  of  a  day  to 
du  the  work,  and  another  half  to  alter  it,  she  only  made  the 
poor  gals  lose  a  half  day's  wages ;  and  if  they  didn't  like  that 
she'd  al'rs  give  them  leave  to  get  a  better  place ;  which,  consid 
ering  that  half  the  sewin  gals  in  York  are  always  out  of  work, 
was  raly  very  good  natured  and  considerate  in  her.  Besides  this 
she  had  a  good  many  ginerous  leetle  ways  of  turning  a  copper. 
When  the  peeked,  haggard  young  critters  came  down  from  the 
work-room,  at  twelve  o'clock  Saturday  night — for  Miss  Joseph 
ine  Burgess  was  awful  pious,  it  wasn't  only  once  in  a  great 
while  that  she  made  the  gals  work  over  into  the  Sabberday 
morning — as  she  paid  them  their  wages  Miss  Josephine  always 
found  out  that  some  mistake  had  been  made  in  the  work — a  piece 
of  silk  cut  into,  or  a  bit  of  leghorn  burnt  brown  in  the  bleaching, 
wliich  melted  down  the  twenty  shillings  which  they  ought  to 
have  had  apiece,  to  eighteen,  or  mebby  two  dollars;  all  of  which 
must  sartinly  have  been  to  the  satisfaction  and  amusement  of 
the  pale  troop  of  gals,  who  had  two  dollars  to  pay  for  board,  be 
sides  clothes  and  washing  to  get  along  with,  out  of  the  twenty-five 
cents  that  were  left ;  and  if  they  didn't  seem  to  like  it,  Miss  Jo 
sephine  wasn't  agoing  to  fret  her  herself  about  that.  She  al'rs 
contrived  to  tucker  them  out  with  hard  work  before  she  settled 


158  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORE. 

np,  so  that  there  was  no  fear  of  their  saying  much  agin  what  she 
took  of  their  wages.  Sometimes  the  tears  would  come  into  their 
eyes ;  and  some  on  'em  that  hadn't  no  hum  to  go  tu,  except  the 
leetle  garret  bed-rooms  which  they  were  over  head  and  ears  in 
debt  for,  would  burst  out  and  sob  as  if  they  hadn't  a  friend  oil 
arth ;  but  crying  is  a  good  deal  like  drinking — it  hurts  them  that 
take  to  it  more  tban  it  does  anybody  else.  Miss  Josephine  Bur 
gess  didn't  care  a  copper  for  tears  and  sobs ;  she'd  got  used  to 
'em. 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  raly  had  a  talent  for  her  bisness.  No 
body  ever  learned  so  many  prudent  ways  of  laying  up  money. 
She  used  to  dress  up  like  a  queen,  and  her  Sunday-go-to-meeting 
clothes  were  the  genuine  things  and  genteel  all  over.  Eenamost 
every  Sabberday  she  would  go  to  meeting  in  a  branfire  new  bon 
net;  and  if  some  of  her  good  natured  customers  that  staid  to 
hum  because  theirs  warn't  finished,  had  one  just  like  it  come  to 
the  door  on  Monday  morning,  the  leetle  gal  that  waited  for  the 
band-box  only  had  to  say,  that  she  sarched  and  sarched  on  Sa 
turday  night  and  couldn't  find  the  house.  It  doesn't  hurt  a 
dashing  bonnet  to  wear  it  eenajest  once.  Miss  Josephine  never 
kept  her  customers  a  waiting  over  more  than  one  Sunday,  only 
when  they  were  very  busy  or  paid  beforehand.  Folks  that  are 
always  a  minding  other  people's  business  used  to  talk  about  Miss 
Josephine,  and  call  her  extravagant  and  stuck  up  ;  but  the  var 
mints  didn't  know  what  they  were  a  talking  about  more  than 
nothing.  If  she  had  her  silks  and  satins  made  up  every  mouth, 
the  making  cost  eenamost  nothing.  The  working  gals  always 
expected  to  sit  up  till  twelve  o'clock  Saturday  nights  in  hurrying 
times;  and  when  it  wasn't  hurrying  time  Miss  Josephine  had 
always  a  frock  to  finish  off  for  herself  or  something  of  that  sort. 
The  frocks  answered  jest  as  well  to  make  bonnets  out  on,  arter 
she'd  dashed  out  in  'em  once  or  twice,  and  the  sleeves  and  waist 
cut  up  scrumptiously  for  ruffles  and  furbelows. 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  understood -the  soft  soclder  principle 
like  a  book.  She  had  a  way  of  bantering  off  the  bonnets  and  gim- 
cracks  that  was  raly  curious.  If  a  customer  happened  to  take  a  no 
tion  to  having  color  and  shape  of  a  bonnet,  she  would  insist  upon  it 
that  she  should  try  it  on  afore  the  glass ;  and  while  the  lady  was 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  l59 

a  gittin  good  natured,  and  a  beginning  to  feel  stuck  up  with  the 
looks  of  herself,  Miss  Josephine  would  twist  about  the  bows,  and 
spread  out  the  ribbands,  and  tell  how  very  nice  it  all  was,  the 
face  and  the  bonnet  agreed  so  well.  She  had  jest  that  face  in  her 
mind  when  the  bonnet  was  under  way — so  delicate — so  graceful — 
^o — so — very  handsome.  Some  people  hadn't  the  least  notion  of 
harmony  and  grace.  It  raly  did  her  heart  good  to  make  things 
for  a  lady  who  knew  which  was  which.  She  always  kept  them 
sort  of  hats  for  her  most  fashionable  customers.  She  wouldn't 
have  them  get  common  for  anything — raly  she  couldn't  tell  how 
that  one  got  out  on  the  counter ;  but  shop  gals  were  the  most 
careless  critters  on  arth — sometimes  she  did  feel  as  if  she  couldn't 
git  along  with  'em — but  in  them  hard  times  it  raly  went  agin  her 
heart  to  turn  'em  away,  so  she  got  along  as  well  as  she  could. 

Here  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  would  break  sharp  off  and  let  the 
customer  look  at  herself  in  the  glass,  only  just  throwing  in  a 
word  once  in  a  while  to  help  along.  Then  she'd  pull  the  bonnet 
a  leetle  for'ed,  tuck  away  the  lady's  curls  under  it,  and  stick  her 
own  head  a  one  side  to  "  take  an  observation ;"  arter  that  she'd 
kinder  put  up  both  hands  and  say  "beautiful!"  jest  as  if  the 
word  bust  right  out,  all  she  could  do  to  help  it.  By-am-by  Mi.-s 
Josephine  Burgess  would  sort  of  fold  her  hands  over  the  black 
apron,  and  step  back  a  leetle  to  give  her  customer  time  to  twi.-t- 
ify  afore  the  glass,  and  wonder  whether  the  milliner  meant  tho 
bonnet  or  her  face,  or  both  together,  when  she  said  "beautiful." 
The  hull  of  it  eeuamost  aiwavs  tarminated  by  Miss  Josephine 
Burgess  selling  the  bonnet,  and  the  lady's  swimming  off  chuck 
full  and  brimming  over  with  soft  sodder,  like  a  darn'd  turkey- 
gobbler,  stuffed  out  with  Injun  meal. 

If  a  customer  did  not  take  a  notion  to  the  bonnet,  or  seemed 
to  hanker  arter  something  else,  Miss  Josephine  had  nothing  to 
do  but  to  alter  her  tune  for  another  sort  of  a  dancer. 

.  "Folks  with  homely  faces,"  sez  she,  "ought  to  be  squeamish 
about  colors;"  in  fact  they  couldn't  help  it,  if  they  wanted  to 
look  decent ;  but  some  folks  raly  seemed  to  look  harnsome  in  any 
thing  •,  it  was  the  face  arter  all  that  sot  off  the  bonnet.  Some 
people  had  such  clear  skins  that  they  could  bear  a  bright  orange 

color,  and  look  purty  as  a  pink  arter  all.     Once  in  a  while  Miss 


16C  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    TORK. 

Josephine  sartinly  did  overdo  the  bisness  a  leetle,  but  she  almost 
always  made  out  to  trade  somehow,  without  her  customer  turn 
ed  out  to  be  some  sly  coot  of  a  sister  milliner  a  running  round  tc 
hunt  up  patterns,  or  some  darned  critter  out  a  shopping  on  a 
fourpence-ha'penny  capital. 

Besides  tending  her  shop,  and  cutting  and  trimming,  and  all 
that,  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  found  time  to  do  a  leetle  courting, 
over  work,  with  a  finefied  sort  of  a  pothecary  feller  that  sold  doc 
tor  stuff  over  the  way  agin  her  store.  But  she  didn't  let  this  take 
up  much  of  her  time,  nor  no  sich  tiling — she  wasn't  a  gal  to  let 
her  heart  run  away  with  her  head,  any  how  they  could  fix  it. 
"While  the  finefied  stuck  up  leetle  'pothecary  shut  up  his  shop  over 
the  way,  and  sot  more'n  half  the  time  twisting  up  the  thread  and 
leetle  bits  of  ribbon  that  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  snipped  off  with 
a  pair  of  sharp  pinted  scissors,  hitched  to  her  side  by  a  black 
watch  guard,  and  kept  a  puckering  up  his  mouth  and  a  talking 
darned  finefied  nonsense,  as  sweet  as  the  jujube  paste,  and  the 
peppermint  drops  that  he  brought  in  his  trousers'  pocket,  she  sot 
as  independent  as  a  cork-screw,  with  one  foot  stuck  upon  a  bon 
net  block,  a  twisting  up  bows,  and  a  sticking  pins  and  feathers 
into  a  heap  of  silk  and  millinery  stuff.  Once  in  a  while  she  ma 
naged  to  stick  a  peppermint  drop  into  her  leetle  mouth,  and  to 
turn  her  eyes  to  the  'pothecary  with  sich  a  look,  so  soft  and  kill 
ing,  it  went  right  straight  through  his  heart,  like  a  pine  skewer 
through  a  chunk  of  butcher's  meat. 

There  was  never  anything  went  on  so  slick  as  these  critters 
did,  arter  they  took  to  hankering  arter  each  other — it  raly  was 
better  than  a  play  to  see  how  they  got  along.  The  'pothecary 
chap  was  a  sneezer  at  figures.  He'd  cyphered  thro'  Dayboll's 
Arithmetic  three  times,  and  could  say  off  the  multiplication  tablo 
without  stopping  to  catch  breath.  So  he  sometimes  over 
hauled  the  milliner's  books,  not  because  he  wanted  to  know  any 
thing  about  them,  but  'cause  women  folks  are  so  apt  to  be  impos.- 
ed  on.  lie  writ  out  her  leetle  bills,  and  kept  a  sort  of  running 
notion  of  her  cash  accounts,  for  she  warn't  much  of  a  judge  of 
money,  and  so  always  sent  her  bank  bills  over  to  his  shop  to 
know  whether  they  were  ginuiue  or  not.  She  did  all  these  leetle 
trifles  in  a  delicate  genteel  sort  of  a  way,  that  was  sartinly  very 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  161 

gratifying  and  pleasant  to  the  'pothecary ;  he  raly  begun  to  fat  Tip 
and  grow  pussy  on  the  strength  on't;  it  wouldn't  aben  human 
natur  if  he  hadn't. 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  was  a  setting  in  her  back  shop  a  think 
ing  over  the  'pothecary  chap,  and  the  dollars  and  cents  she'd 
skinned  out  of  the  gals'  wages  that  week,  a  making  them  work  at 
half  price  because  the  times  were  so  bad,  when  the  'pothecary 
came  a  tip-toeing  through  the  store  looking  as  tickled  as  if  he'd 
found  a  sixpence.  He  took  two  ball  tickets  out  of  his  vest  pock 
et  and  held  one  on  'em  out  to  the  milliner,  and  stood  a  bowing 
and  a  grinning  like  a  darned  babboon  till  she  read  the  writin' 
on  it. 

"  I  raly  don't  know  what  to  say,"  sez  she,  "  I  never  have  been 
to  the  Tammany  hall,  and  I — I " 

"  It'll  be  the  top  of  the  notch,  this  one,"  sez  the  chap,  "  they're 
a  goin  to  be  awful  partickler  who  they  invite — nothing  but  the 
raly  genteel  who  get  tickets,  I  promise  'em." 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  puckered  up  her  mouth,  and  said  "she 
didn't  know :  she  was  afeard  she  might  meet  with  some  of  the 
working  classes — she " 

"  Don't  say  no — it'll  break  my  heart,  it  will  sartinly,"  sez  the 
lovyer.  "  Don't  drive  me  to  takin  pison  on  your  account — oh 
don't." 

Miss  Josephine  kinder  started  up — gave  a  sort  of  a  scream — and 
said  she  wouldn't  drive  the  'pothecary  to  taking  pison,  and  that 
she  would  go  the  ball.  The  minit  she  said  that  the  leetle  chap 
went  right  off  into  a  fit  of  the  dreadful  suz :  he  slumped  right 
down  on  his  marrow  bones,  and  begun  to  nibble  away  like  all 
natur  at  the  four  little  fingers,  that  stuck  out  of  Miss  Josephine 
Burgess's  right  hand  mit. 

"  Oh,  say  only  jest  one  thing  more,  and  I  shall  be  so  happy,  I 
shall  want  to  jump  out  of  my  skin,"  sez  he,  all  in  a  twitteration. 

"  Oh,  dear  me,  what  do  you  mean  ?  I  swanny,  I'm  all  in  a 
fluster,"  sez  she. 

"  Here,  down  on  my  knees,  I  ask,  I  entreat,  I  conjure,  most 

beautiful  of  wimmen  folks,"  sez  he,  "  that  you  be  my  partner, 

not  only  at  the  ball,  but  through  this  ere  mortal  life,  that  is  a 

etretching  before  us  like  a  great  paster  lot  covered  over  with  tan 

11 


4 
162  HIGH    LIFE    IS    XEW    YORK. 

pey,  wild  rbnbarb  and  sage  roots  all  in  bloom — don't  blush,  my 
aniiel,  but  speak!" 

Now  Miss  Josephine  knew  as  well  as  could  be,  that  it  was  the 
fashion  to  feel  dreadfully  at  sich  times — to  get  up  a  caniption  fit, 
or  any  how  to  give  right  up  and  set  kivered  all  over  with  blush 
es  ;  but  the  bit  of  cotton  wool  that  she  used  always  to  put  on  her 
blushes  with,  was  tucked  away  in  the  top  of  her  stocking,  and 
she  couldn't  get  at  it  handy  without  being  seen.  So  she  pucker 
ed  up  her  mouth  and  looked  as  if  she  had  just  lost  her 
granny. 

"  Give  me  one  word  of  hope,  now  du,"  sez  the  anxious  'pothe- 
cary,  a  sqneezing  the  milliner's  hand,  mit  and  all,  between  both  of 
his,  and  a  twisting  his  head  a  one  side,  and  a  rolling  up  his  eyes, 
like  a  hen  that's  jest  done  drinking. 

u  Oh  dear  suz,  what  can  I  answer  ?"  sez  Miss  Josephine  Bur 
gess,  a  wriggling  her  shoulders  and  kivering  up  her  face  with  one 
hand,  "  I  never  felt  so  in  all  my  life — dear  me." 

"Don't  spurn  me  away  from  these  ere  leetle  feet — nobody  will 
ever  love  you  so  agin,"  sez  the  anxious  chap,  and  with  that  he 
struck  his  hand  sort  of  fierce  agin  his  heart,  that  was  floundering 
away  under  his  yaller  vest  like  a  duck  in  a  mud-puddle. 

u  Git  up — oh  dn,"  sez  Miss  Josephine,  catching  a  sly  peek  at 
the  'pothecary,  through  her  fingers. 

"  One  word  of  hope,"  sez  the  chap,  a  giving  his  bosom  ano 
ther  tarnal  dig ;  "  say  that  you  will  be  mine." 

"  I'll  think  about  it,"  eez  Miss  Josephine  Burgess,  a  sighing 
through  her  fingers. 

"Say  that  you  will  be  mine,  or  I  will  die  on  this  ere  very  spot, 
and  be  sent  down  to  posterity  a  living  monument  of  wimmen's 
hard-heartedness,"  sez  the  'pothecary,  a  running  his  fingers 
through  his  hair,  till  it  stuck  up  sort  of  wild  every  which  way 
over  his  head.  "  Do  you  want  to  make  this  ere  body  a  morter, 
and  pound  my  loving  heart  to  pieces  with  the  pestle  of  delay  ? 
If  not,  speak  and  say  that  my  love  is  returned." 

"  It  is,"  said  Miss  Josephine  Burgess,  kinder  faint  from  behind 
her  hand. 

"  Angelic  critter,"  sez  the  lovyer. 


; 

BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  163 

"  Now  leave  me,"  sez  Miss  Josephine  Burgess. 

"  Harnsomest  of  created  wimmen !  I  will,"  sez  the  'pothecary. 

"Oh  how  ray  heart  beats,"  sez  Miss  Josephine  Burgess. 

"  And  mine,"  sez  the  'pothecary,  a  getting  up  and  a  spreading 
his  hand  out  on  his  yaller  vest. 

"  Leave  me  now,"  sez  Miss  Josephine  Burgess. 

"  My  dear  critter,  I  will,"  sez  the  'pothecary. 

"With  that  he  made  tracks  across  the  street,  opened  his  empty 
money  drawer  with  a  sort  of  a  chuckle,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  if 
you're  starved  out  in  this  way  much  longer  I  lose  my  guess,"  and 
then  he  drank  off  a  glass  of  cold  water,  with  a  leetle  brandy 
in  it. 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  sat  still  as  a  mouse,  till  the  'pothecary 
chap  made  himself  scarce,  then  she  let  down  her  hands  and  took 
a  squint  in  the  glass  to  see  how  her  face  stood  it.  Arter  that 
she  went  to  a  big  drawer,  where  she  kept  her  slickest  dry  goods, 
and  cut  off  a  lot  of  shiney  red  velvet,  which  she  took  up  stairs, 
and  told  the  gal  that  had  charge  of  the  work-room,  to  have  it 
made  up  into  a  ball  dress  before  the  gals  went  home.  The  ten 
poor  tired  young  critters  were  jest  a  beginning  to  think  about 
going  hum  to  supper,  but  they  sot  down  agin  and  looked  in  each 
other's  faces,  as  melancholy  as  could  be,  but  said  nothing.  The 
young  gal  that  had  charge  of  the  work-room,  happened  to  say 
that  in  the  course  of  a  week  they  would  have  a  prime  lot  of  rod 
velvet  bonnets  to  sell.  At  this  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  looked  as 
cross  as  if  she'd  swallowed  a  paper  of  darning  needles,  and  told 
the  young  gal  to  hold  her  tongue,  and  mind  her  own  business. 
At  this  the  young  gal  drew  up,  and  was  a  going  to  give  the  milli 
ner  her  change  back  agin,  but  jest  that  minit  she  happened  tt» 
think  that  taking  sarce  from  a  stuck  up  critter  was  bad  enough, 
but  that  starving  was  a  good  deal  worse ;  and  so  she  choked  in 
and  went  to  work  at  the  dress,  with  her  heart  a  swelling  in  her 
harnsome  bosom,  like  a  bird  when  it's  first  caught. 

"  Don't  let  them  gals  go  to  sleep  over  their  work,"  sez  M!as 
Josephine  Burgess,  as  she  was  a  going  down  stairs. 

The  yonng  gal  who  had  charge  of  the  work-room,  said  some« 
thing  sort  of  loud  about  people's  having  no  feeling. 


164  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

"  What's  that  you  say  ?"  sez  Miss  Josephine  Burgess,  a  com 
ing  back  as  spiteful  as  could  be. 

"  Nothing,"  sez  the  young  gal  who  had  charge  of  the  work 
room. 

"  It's  well  you  didn't,"  sez  the  milliner,  and  with  that  she 
*vent  down  stairs,  and  the  poor  tuckered  out  young  critters  didn't 
get  hum  to  supper  till  ten  o'clock  at  night,  because  they  had  to 
stay  and  finish  off  Miss  Josephine  Burgess's  ball  finery. 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  was  a  sitting  in  tue  leetle  room  up 
over  her  store,  ready  dressed  for  the  ball,  when  the  little  appren 
tice  gal  cum  up  and  told  her,  that  the  gentleman  from  over  the 
way  was  a  waiting  down  stairs.  The  milliner  jumped  up  and 
began  to  wriggle  about  afore  the  looking  glass  to  be  sartin  that 
the  red  velvet  frock,  the  golden  chain,  and  the  heap  of  posies 
that  she'd  twistified  in  her  hair,  were  all  according  to  gunter. 
Arter  she'd  took  a  purty  gineral  survey,  she  went  down  stairs 
about  the  darndest  stuck  up  critter  that  you  ever  sot  eyes  on. 

The  'pothecary  stood  afore  the  looking  glass  a  trying  to  coax 
his  hair  to  curl  a  leetle,  and  a  pulling  up  fust  one  side  of  hia 
white  satin  stock  and  then  t'other,  to  make  it  set  up  parpendicu- 
lar.  He'd  got  a  leetle  speck  of  dirt  on  his  silk  stockings  and  his 
shiney  dancing  pumps,  a  coming  across  the  street,  so  he  took  his 
white  hankercher  out  of  his  pocket  and  began  to  dust  them  off; 
out  the  minit  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  cum  in  he  stopped  short, 
stepped  back  agin  the  wall,  and  held  up  both  hands  as  if  he  raly 
didn't  know  what  to  da  with  himself,  and  sez  he — 

"  I  never  did !  Talk  about  the  Venus  de  Medici,  or  the  New 
York  beauty !  Did  ever  anything  come  up  to  that  are  ?" 

Arter  this  bust  of  feeling,  he  gin  a  spring  fore'd  and  ketching 
her  hand,  eenamost  eat  it  up,  he  kissed  so  consarned  eager.  It 
didn't  seem  as  if  there  was  any  contenting  the  darn'd  love-sick 
3oot.  But  when  he  hung  on  too  hard,  the  milliner's  vartuous  in 
dignation  begun  to  bile  up,  and  so  he  choked  off  and  begged  her 
pardon ;  but  said  he  couldn't  help  it,  as  true  as  the  world  he 
couldn't,  his  heart  was  brim  full  and  a  running  over. 

I  ruther  guess  the  people  stared  a  few  when  the  leetle  'pothe 
cary  walked  along  the  Tammany  ball-room  with  Miss  Josephine 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  166 

Burgess,  in  her  red  velvet  and  golden  chains,  a  hanging  on  his 
arm.  Sich  dashers  didn't  show  themselves  at  every  ball  "by  a 
great  sight.  There  was  a  ginuine  touch  of  the  aristocracy  in  the 
way  the  leetle  'pothecary  turned  up  his  nose,  and  flourished  his 
white  gloves ;  and  when  they  stood  up  to  dance,  Miss  Josephine 
held  oat  her  red  velvet,  and  stuck  out  her  foot,  and  curcheyed 
away  as  slick  as  any  of  the  Broadway  gals  could  a  done  it.  But 
jest  as  she  was  a  going  to  dance,  who  should  stand  afore  her  in 
the  same  reel  but  the  very  young  gal  that  took  charge  of  her 
work-room.  The  milliner  had  jest  took  a  fold  of  the  red  velvet 
between  her  thumb  and  finger,  and  was  flourishing  out  her  foot 
to  balance  up  as  genteel  as  could  be,  but  the  minit  she  ketched 
sight  of  the  working  gal,  she  gin  her  head  a  toss  and  reaching 
out  her  hand  to  the  'pothecary,  walked  off  to  a  seat  in  a  fit  of 
outraged  dignity  that  was  raly  beautiful  to  look  at.  Arter  this 
Miss  Josephine  Burgess  said  she  wouldn't  try  to  dance  among 
sich  low  critters  ;  and  so  she  and  the  'pothecary  sidled  about,  eat 
peppermint  drops  and  talked  soft  sodder  to  one  another — alers 
taking  care  to  turn  up  their  noses  when  the  harnsome  working 
gal  cum  within  gun-shot  of  'em. 

"Who  can  that  gentleman  be,  that's  a  eyeing  me  through  his 
glass,"  sez  Mis»  Josephine  Burgess  to  the  'pothecary,  "  what 
harnsome  whiskers  he's  got,  did  you  ever?" 

"  I  don't  see  anything  over  genteel  in  him,  any  how,"  sez  the 
'pothecary  a  looking  sort  of  oneasy.  "  I  really  can't  see  how 
you  ladies  can  take  a  fancy  to  so  much  hair." 

"  But  how  nicely  he's  dressed,"  sez  she. 

"  I  aint  over  fond  of  shaggy  vests  and  checkered  trousers," 
says  the  'pothecary. 

"Dear  me  he's  coming  this  way,"  sez  the  milliner  all  in  atwit- 
ter, — "I  hope  he  wont  think  of  speaking." 

"I  hope  so  too,"  sez  the  'pothecary,  a  looking  as  if  he'd  jest 
eat  a  sour  lemon,  without  any  sweetening. 

The  chap  come  along  sort  of  easy  and  independent,  and  stood 
close  by  'em. 

"Shan't  we  go  t'other  end  of  the  room?"  sez  the  'pothecary 
to  the  milliner,  kinder  half  whispering,  and  a  eyeing  the  strango 
chap  as  savage  as  a  meat-ax.  u  Not  yet,"  sez  the  milliner,  giv- 


166  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

ing  a  slantindicular  sort  of  a  look  at  the  strange  chap.  Hi.  wasn't 
a  feller  to  be  sneezed  at  in  the  way  of  good  looks  any  how,  nor 
a  man  that  was  likely  to  lose  anything  by  his  bashfulness  ;  for  it 
warn't  more  than  three  minutes  afore  he  asked  the  milliner  to 
dance,  and  walked  her  out  as  crank  as  could  be,  right  afore  the 
'pothecary's  face.  Didn't  the  poor  leetle  chap  look  wamble- 
cropped  when  he  see  that.  There  he  stood  all  alone  in  a  corner, 
feeling  as  sick  as  if  he'd  swallowed  a  dose  of  his  own  doctor's 
stuff,  and  there  he  had  to  stand;  for  arter  the  tall  chap  and  Miss 
Josephine  Burgess  had  got  through  danc'ng,  they  sot  down  to 
gether  by  a  winder  and  begun  to  look  soft  sodder  at  one  another, 
and  talk  away  as  chipper  as  two  birds  on  an  apple  tree  limb  in 
spring  time.  It  didn't  do  no  good  for  the  'pothecary  to  rile  tp 
and  make  motions  to  her — she  didn't  seem  to  mind  him  a  bit;  so 
he  stood  still  and  grit  his  teeth,  for  it  seemed  to  him  as  if  the 
milliner  and  the  red  velvet,  besides  the  account  books,  the  stock 
in  trade,  and  the  hard  chink  too,  was  a  sliding  out  of  his  giip 
like  a  wet  eel. 

41  Darn  the  feller  to  darnation,"  sez  he,  arter  he'd  bore  it  as 
long  as  he  could — and  with  that  he  went  up  to  Miss  Josephine 
Burgess,  sort  of  humble,  and  asked  her  if  it  wasn't  about  time 
to  be  a  going  hum  ? 

The  milliner  said  she  wasn't  in  any  hurry  about  it,  and  went 
to  talking  with  the  tall  chap  agin.  It  was  as  much  as  the  poor 
lovyer  could  do  to  keep  from  busting  out  a  crying,  or  a  swear 
ing,  he  warn't  parti c'lar  which ;  he  felt  all  struck  up  of  a  heap, 
and  went  off  to  his  corner  agin  as  lonesome  as  a  goose  without 
a  mate. 

By-atn-by  the  milliner  she  come  up  and  told  him  .she  was 
about  ready  to  go  hum  ;  the  tall  chap  he  went  down  stairs  with 
them,  and  stood  a  kissing  his  hand  to  her  till  she  got  into  the 
street.  The  'pothooary  raly  felt  as  if  he  should  bust,  and  he  gin 
her  a  pnrty. decent  blowing  up  as  they  went  along  Chatham- 
street.  Slie  didn't  give  him  much  of  an  answer  though,  for  lu-r 
head  was  chuck  ful'  of  the  tall  chap's  soft  sodder,  and  she  didu't 
know  more  than  half  of  what  he  was  a  jawing  about. 

The  leetle  'potheoary  went  hum  and  hurried  up  to  bed,  but  all 
he  could  du  he  couldn't  get  a  wink  of  sleep.  lie  got  up  arly  in 


BY   JONA.-HAN    SUCK.  167 

the  morning,  but  he  hadn't  no  appetite  for  his  breakfast,  and 
kinder  hung  about  his  shop  door  a  keeping  a  good  look  out  to  see 
if  anybody  went  to  the  milliner's,  and  a  wondering  if  it  was  best, 
for  him  to  go  over  and  see  how  she  seemed  to  be  arter  what  he'd 
said  to  her  the  night  afore.  So  he  brushed  up  his  hair  and  was 
just  taking  his  hat  to  go  over  and  try  his  luck,  when  a  harnsome 
green  buggy  waggon  hauled  up  jest  agin  the  milliner's,  and  out 
jumped  the  tall  chap  with  the  whiskers. 

The  'pothecary  he  turned  as  white  as  a  sheet  and  begun  to 
cuss  and  swear  like  all  natur.  lie  had  plenty  of  time  to  let  his 
wrathy  feelings  bile  over,  for  it  was  more  than  three  hours  afore 
the  green  buggy  waggon  driv  away  agin.  The  minit  it  was  out 
of  sight,  the  'pothecary  snatched  up  his  hat  and  scooted  across 
the  street  like  a  crazy  critter.  Miss  Burgess  was  a  sitting  in  her 
leetle  back  room  dressed  out  like  anything.  This  made  him 
more  wrathy  than  he  was  afore,  for  she  never  dressed  out  when 
he  was  a  coming,  so  he  went  straight  up  to  her,  and  sez  he,  sort 
of  wrathy, 

"Miss  Josephine  Burgess,  what  am  I  to  think  of  this  ere  treat 
ment  ?" 

The  milliner  looked  up  as  innocent  as  a  kitten,  as  if  she  hadn't 
the  least  idee  what  he  meant. 

"What  treatment?"  sez  she,  as  mealy-mouthed  as  could  be. 

The  'pothecary  felt  as  if  he  should  choke;  he  griped  his  hand, 
and  the  words  came  out  of  his  month  like  hot  bullets. 

*'  Oh  you  perfidious  critter,  yon,"  sez  he,  "  how  can  you  look 
in  my  face  arter  you've  been  a  sitting  three  hull  hours  with  that 
darn'd  nasty  tall  coot  that  you  danced  with  all  the  time  last 
night." 

"  I'm  sure  I  don't  know  what  you  mean  more  than  nothing.  I 
danced  with  a  gentleman  last  night,  and  he  has  been  here  this 
morning,  but  I  raly  don't  see  why  you  should  trouble  yourself 
about  it,"  sez  Mi»s  Josephine,  a  taking  up  her  work,  and  a  begin 
ning  to  sew  as  easy  as  she  ever  did  in  her  life. 

The  'pothecary  was  so  mad,  he  couldn'c  but  jest  speak  out  loud. 
<l  Look  a  here,  Miss  Burgess,"  sez  he,  a  speaking  sort  of  hoarse, 
"aint  we  as  good  as  married?  didn't  you  engage  yourself  to  me? 


168  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    TORE. 

and  wasn't  the  day  eenajest  sot  afore  that  consamed  etarnal 
ball  ?" 

"  Not  that  I  ever  knew  on,"  says  Miss  Burgess,  a  pinning  a 
pink  bow  on  to  a  bonnet  she  was  to  work  on,  and  a  holding  it 
out  to  see  how  it  looked,  "  I  raly  don't  know  what  you  mean." 

The  'pothecary  begun  to  tremble  all  over,  he  was  so  tarnal 
mad  to  see  her  setting  there  as  cool  as  a  cucumber. 

"  You  don't  know  what  I  mean,  do  you  ?"  sez  he.  "  Look  a 
here,  marm,  haint  I  been  to  see  you  off  and  on  for  more  than  a  year  ? 
Haint  I  footed  up  your  books  and  made  out  bills  and  done  all 
your  out-door  business,  this  ever  so  long  ?  Haint  I  give  yoa 
ounces  on  ounces  of  jujube  paste,  emptied  a  hull  jar  of  lemon 
drops,  and  more  than  half  kept  you  in  peari  powder  and  cold 
cream  ?" 

"  Wai,  you  needn't  talk  so  loud  and  tell  everybody  of  it,"  sez 
the  milliner  a  going  on  with  her  work  all  the  time,  but  the  leetle 
chap  had  got  his  grit  up,  and  there  was  no  "  who"  to  him.  On 
he  went  like  a  house  afire. 

"  Wasn't  it  me  that  stopped  you  from  taking  them  are  darn'd 
Brandreth's  pills.  Didn't  I  tell  you  they  warn't  no  better  than 
rank  pisin,  and  that  no  rale  lady  would  ever  think  of  stuffing  her 
self  with  such  humbug  trash  ?  I'll  be  choked  if  I  don't  wish  I'd 
let  you  swaller  fifty  boxes  of  'em — I  wish  I  had — I  do  by  gra 
cious  I" 

"Don't  make  such  a  noise,"  sez  the  milliner,  "it  wont  do  DO 
good,  I  can  tell  you." 

"  "Wont  it  though  ?  wont  it?  I  rather  guess  you'll  find  out  in 
the  end.  I'll  sue  you  for  a  breach  of  promise — if  I  don't  jest 
tell  me  on't,  that's  all." 

The  'pothecary  was  a  going  on  to  say  a  good  deal  more,  but 
jest  as  he  begun  to  let  off  steam  agin  some  customers  come  into 
the  front  shop.  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  put  down  her  work  and 
went  out  as  if  nothing  on  arth  had  happened.  The  'pothecnry 
waited  a  few  minits  a  biling  over  with  spite,  and  then  he  kicked 
a  bonnet  block  across  the  room,  up^et  a  chair,  and  cut  off  through 
the  store  like  all  possessed.  The  milliner  was  a  bargaining  away 
with  her  customers  for  dear  life — she  looked  up  and  larfed  a  little 


BT  JONATHAN    SLICK.  169 

easy,  as  the  poor  feller  :•  *aked  through  the  store,  and  that  was 
all.  she  cared  about  i'u. 

The  poor  coot  wf  «*»  Apothecary  went  over  to  his  shop  and 
elammed  the  dvxn  tu  hard  enough  to  shake  the  house  down. 
Then  he  went  b«ck  of  the  counter,  took  down  a  jar  full  of  cor 
rosive  supplement  and  poured  some  on  it  out  in  a  tumbler,  but 
somehow  there  was  something  in  the  thought  of  dying  all  ot  a 
sudden,  that  didn't  exactly  come  up  to  his  idee  of  comfort ;  so  he 
poured  back  the  pison  and  took  a  mint  julep  instead — that  sort 
of  cooled  him  down  a  trifle — so  he  made  up  his  mind  to  put  off 
drinking  the  pison  till  by-am-by. 

Every  day  for  three  weeks  that  green  buggy  waggon,  and  the 
tall  man  with  the  whiskers,  stopped  before  Miss  Josephine  Bur- 
ge*i'  door.  The  'pothecary  grit  his  teeth  and  eyed  the  pisin  with 
Vf  awful  desperate  look  every  time  the  buggy  came  in  sight ;  and 
M  hen  he  heard  that  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  was  a  gitting  her 
redding  frock  made,  and  was  raly  a  going  to  be  married  to  a 
oreign  chap  as  rich  as  a  Jew,  that  had  fallen  in  love  with  her  at 
ihe  Tammany  ball,  he  filled  the  tumbler  agin  brimming  full,  and 
Jien  chucked  the  pison  in  the  grate,  and  said  he'd  be  darned  if 
he  made  sich  an  etarnal  fool  of  himself  any  longer  ;  the  critter 
wasn't  worth  taking  a  dose  of  salts  for,  much  less  a  tumbler  brim 
full  of  pison.  Arter  this  he  bore  up  like  a  man  ;  and  one  day 
when  he  saw  the  green  buggy  come  a  trifle  arlier  than  ever  it  did 
afore,  and  see  the  tall  chap  jump  out  all  dressed  off  tu  kill,  with 
white  gloves  on,  and  a  white  Imnkerchef  a  streaming  out  of 
his  coat  pocket,  he  jest  put  his  teeth  together  and  looked  on  till 
he  saw  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  come  out  with  a  white  silk  bon 
net  on,  and  a  great  long  white  veil  streaming  over  it,  and  see  her 
take  a  seat  in  the  buggy  waggon  with  the  tall  man  in  whiskers. 
It  wasn't  no  news  to  him  when  he  heard  that  Miss  Josephine 
Burgess  was  married,  and  had  sold  out  her  shop  ;  but  when  he 
heard  that  the  young  gal  that  took  charge  of  the  work-room  had 
got  some  relation  to  buy  out  the  stock  for  her,  the  apothecary 
brightened  up  like  anything ;  and  he  vas  heard  to  say  that  arter 
all  the  young  gal  that  took  charge  of  the  work-room  wasn't  to 
be  grinned  at  in  a  fog ;  for  his  part,  he  thought  her  full  as  ham- 
some  as  Miss  Josephine  Burgess. 


]70  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

There  was  no  two  ways  about  it, — Miss  Josephine  Burst 
raiy  married  to  the  tall  man  in  whiskers,  and  she  had  sold  out  to 
the  young  gal  that  had  taken  charge  of  the  work-room.  About 
three  days  arter  the  wedding,  the  tall  man  with  whiskers  sot  in  the 
room  over  what  had  been  Miss  Josephine  Burgess's  store,  aud  leetle 
she  that  had  been  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  herself,  sot  in  the  tall 
man's  lap,  with  one  arm  round  his  neck.  Her  purty  slim  fin 
gers  had  been  a  playing  with  his  shiny  black  cnrls  so  long  that 
some  of  the  black  color  came  off  and  made  them  leetle  fingers 
look  sort  of  smutty.  Once  in  a  while  the  bride  would  pat  the 
tall  man's  cheek  aud  call  him  a  naughty  critter,  and  ask  him  how 
many  ladies  he'd  been  in  love  with  afore  he  see  her;  and  the 
tall  man  would  say — "  not  one  upon  my  honor!"  at  which  she 
would  pat  his  cheek  agin  and  say  she  didn't  believe  a  word  on 
it.  Then  the  tall  man  in  whiskers  would  begin  to  look  as  if  he 
raly  had  been  a  killing  critter  with  the  women  folks,  and  would 
say  that  he  wouldn't  deny  it — he  had  now  and  then  his  lectio 
flirtations,  like  all  men  of  rale  fashion — but  he'd  never  in  his 
whole  life  took  sich  a  notion  to  a  critter  as  he  had  to  her.  "With 
that  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  (that  was)  would  fling  both  of  her 
arms  round  the  tall  man's  neck,  and  declare  that  there  was  not 
so  proud  and  happy  a  critter  on  the  hull  artli  as  she  was. 

Wai,  arter  this,  the  tall  man  in  wiskers  took  hold  of  the  chain 
that  hid  bride  had  round  her  neck,  and  sez  he,  "  My  dear  love,  I 
raly  can't  bear  to  see  you  rigged  out  in  these  ere  old  fashioned 
things.  When  you  was  only  a  milliner  they  did  well  enough,  but 
now  you  musn't  wear  no  jewelry  that  uint  at  the  top  of  tho 
notch  ;  jest  pack  all  on  'em  up,  that  are  watch  of  yonr'n  and  all, 
and  I'll  go  and  swap  'em  oft"  for  a  set  of  jewelry  that's  worth 
while.  When  I  take  you  hum  among  all  my  folks,  they'd  larf 
at  these  awk'ard  tilings." 

With  that  the  bride  begun  to  looked  streaked  enough,  so  she 
got  to  work  and  lugged  out  all  the  gold  things  she  had ;  her 
•watch  and  great  heavy  chain,  and  ear-rings,  and  ever  s;>  tn.-uiv 
gim-cracks.  So  the  tall  man  put  them  all  in  his  pocket  and  took 
up  his  hat,  and  sez  he,  "I'll  soon  get  rid  of  these  ere  things,  and 
bring  you  something  that  is  something." 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  that  was,  taid  there  never  was  so  kind 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  17] 

a  critter,  and  jest  to  let  her  see  that  she  wasn't  much  out  in  say 
ing  that  are,  he  cum  back  from  the  door,  and  sez  he,  "  Seeing  aa 
I'm  a  going  out,  I  may  as  Avell  take  that  are  little  sum  of  money 
and  put  in  some  hank  for  you ;  of  course  I  don't  want  anything 
of  it,  but  it  raly  don't  seem  jest  safe  here,  among  all  these  sew 
ing  gals."  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  that  was  went  to  her  chest 
of  drawers  and  took  out  a  heap  of  bank  bills  and  :;ave  them  to 
him.  The  tall  man  in  whiskers  put  the  bills  in  his  trousers' 
pocket,  buttoned  it  up  tight,  then  give  the  pocket  a  leetle  slap 
and  was  a  going  out  agin.  But  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  that  was 
she  follered  arter  and  sticking  her  head  through  the  door  she 
sung  out  sort  of  easy,  sez  she, 

w  My  dear  darling,  you've  forgot  something!" 

"  You  don't  say  so,"  sez  the  tall  man  in  whiskers,  and  he  stood 
up  straight  as  a  loon's  leg,  "  what  is  it — any  more  jewelry,  my 
pet?" 

"  Can't  you  guess  ?"  said  Miss  Josephine  Burgess  that  was, 
sort  of  sly,  a  twisting  her  head  a  one  side,  and  pussing  out  hei 
mouth  awful  tempting. 

"  Oh,"  sez  the  man  in  whiskers,  and  then  there  was  a  littlo 
noise  as  if  a  bottle  of  Newark  cider  had  been  uncorked  kinder 
easy. 

"You'll  come  right  straight  back,  dear?"  sez  Miss  Josephine 
Burgess  that  was,  a  running  to  the  door  agin — "you  will,  won't 
you?" 

"  Sartinly,  my  sweet  love,"  sez  the  tall  man  in  whiskers,  a 
stopping  on  the  stairs  and  kissing  her  hand  over  the  railing. 

u  By-by,"  sez  Mi^s  Josephine  Burgess  that  was. 

"  By-by,"  sez  the  tall  man  in  whiskers. 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  that  was  sot  by  the  window  and 
looked  arter  the  tall  man  till  he  got  eenamost  doAvn  to  Chatham 
square.  She  waited  a  hull  hour  and  he  didn't  come  back ;  then 
she  waited  two  hours ;  then  all  night;  and  the  next  week  and 
the  next,  till  she'd  been  a  waiting  three  hull  months, — and  arter 
all  the  tall  man  in  whiskers  didn't  seem  to  hurry  himself  a 
bit. 

About  a  year  arter  tho  Tammany  ball,  the  leetle  'pothecary 
was  sitting  iu  the  back  room  of  what  onoe  was  Miss  Josephine 


172  HIGH    LIFE    15    5KW   TCWK. 

Burgess's  milliner  store — his  wife  that  used  to  take  charge  of  the 
work-room,  stood  close  by;  and  the  'pothecary  was  a  looking  over 
hia  wife's  day  book.  Jest  as  he  was  a  adding  up  a  tarnal  long 
row  of  figures,  one  of  the  hands  come  down  stairs  and  was  a  go 
ing  out. 

"  Look  a  here,  Miss  Josephine  Bnrgess,  or  Miss  what's  your 
name."  sez  the  'pothecary,  "  if  you're  determined  to  go  home 
the  minit  your  hour  is  up,  these  hurrying  times,  it's  my  idee  that 
you'd  better  look  out  for  some  other  shop  to  work  in." 

The  color  riz  up  in  the  poor  woman's  face,  but  it  was  her  turn 
to  be  snubbed  and  drove  about,  without  daring  to  say  her  soul 
was  her  own.  So  instead  of  riling  up,  she  spoke  as  meek  as 
could  be,  and  sez  she,  "  I  aint  very  well,  I've  got  a  dreadful 
headache." 

"  Cant  help  that,"  sez  the  'pothecary,  "  we  pay  yon  twenty 
shillings  a  week,  fust  rate  wages,  to  work,  so  you  may  jest  step 
back  to  the  work-room  with  your  headache,  or  I'll  dock  off  fifty 
cents  when  it  comes  Saturday  night  if  you  don't.  Go  troop — I'll 
have  you  to  know  you  aint  mistress  in  this  shop,  or  master 
neither." 

Miss  Josephine  Burgess  had  a  temper  of  her  own,  but  she 
owed  for  her  board,  and  so  choked  in  and  went  up  stairs  as 
mad  as  all  natur. 

The  apothecary's  wife  was  a  good  hearted  critter,  and  it  raly 
made  her  feel  bad  to  see  her  old  boss  used  so. 

"  Don't  speak  so  to  her,''  sez  she  to  the  'pothecary,  "  she  raly 
looks  tired  and  sick,  don't  hurt  her  feelings." 

"  Humbug,"  sez  the  'pothecary,  stretching  himself  np,  and  a 
buttoning  his  trousers'  pocket  as  pompously  as  could  be,  "  hum 
bug,  what  bisness  have  sewing  girls  with  feelings." 

"  I  was  a  sewing  pal  once,"  sez  the  'pothecary's  wife. 

"  Yes — and  how  did  that  darned  stuck  up  critter  use  you,  tell 
me  that?"  sez  he. 

The  'pothecary's  wife  didn't  answer;  but  the  minit  her  hus 
band  had  gone  out  she  went  into  the  kitchen  and  took  a  bowl  of 
ginuine  hot  tea  up  to  the  work  room.  Miss  Josephine  Bnrgess 
that  was,  sot  on  a  stool  looking  as  mad  as  a  march  hare ;  she  be 
gan  to  sew  as  soon  as  the  'pothecary'a  wife  come  in,  as  grouty 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  173 

as  could  be ;  but  when  the  kind  critter  gin  her  the  bowl  of  tea,  and 
told  her  it  would  be  good  for  her  head-ache,  the  poor  sewing 
girl  boo-hooed  right  out  a  crying. 

JONATHAN  SLIOK. 


LETTER  XVII. 

Jonathan  gets  111  and  Homesick — Resists  all  entreaties  to  go  to 
Washington,  and  resolves  on  going  back  to  "  the  Humstead  "  with 
Captain  Doolittle. 

DEAR  PAR : 

Wai,  arter  writing  that  story  about  the  Bowery  Milliner,  I  be 
gun  to  think  York  was  a  going  to  be  rather  too  hot  to  hold  me. 
All  the  boss  milliners  in  York  got  into  a  tantrum  and  kicked  up 
sich  a  darned  rumpus  that  I  raly  begun  to  be  afear'd  that  they'd 
cum  down  to  my  office  in  Cherry-street,  and  get  up  a  fourth  of 
July  oration,  or  a  she  caucus,  and  girt  me  to  death  in  a  pair  of 
them  darned  French  corsets.  But  the  peaked  little  working  gals, 
they  were  eenamost  tickled  to  death  with  that  story,  and  there 
warn't  no  eeiid  to  the  harnsome  sweet  critters  that  cum  to  my 
office  a  crying  and  yet  half  a  smiling,  to  thank  me  for  taking  up 
on  their  side.  One  thing  though  made  me  feel  bad  enough. 
That  etarnal  leetle  stuck  up  old  maid  got  so  allfired  wrothy  that 
she  turned  Susan  Read  out  of  her  place,  and  cheated  her  out  of 
some  of  her  wages  too.  Darn  her  it  makes  me  gritty  only  jest 
to  think  on  it.  But  she'd  better  look  out,  I  can  tell  her;  for  if 
I  take  her  up  agin,  consarn  me  if  I  don't  use  her  up  till  she  aint 
bigger  than  the  tip  eend  of  a  pine  stick  whittled  down  to  no 
thing. 

Wai,  as  the  spring  come  on  I  began  to  git  peaked,  and  every 
morning  felt  sort  of  wamblecropped  in  my  stomach  when  I 
woke  up.  I  s'pose  it  was  cause  I  couldn't  git  pork  and  dande- 
lines  and  prime  fresh  young  onions  right  out  of  the  arth,  as  I 
used  tu  tc  hum.  The  editors  of  the  Express,  they  wanted  me  to 


174  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

take  an  emetic,  bnt  I  told  'cm  I  couldn't  think  of  sich  a  thing,  it 
•was  agin  natur.  I  looked  sort  of  solemn,  jest  as  I  always  do 
•when  they  use  any  of  them  French  words  that  I  don't  under 
stand,  and  made  up  my  mind  to  look  in  Boyer's  Dictionary, 
arid  find  out  the  meaning  of  emetic  the  fust  tiling  arter  I 
got  hum. 

"  Wai,"  sez  they,  "if  you  don't  like  that,  Mr.  Slick,  s'posing 
rou  take  a  trip  to  the  Seat  of  Gineral  Government,  and  see  bow 
them  Loco  Foco  chaps  are  a  carrying  on  there,  it  '11  answer  all 
the  same." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  arter  thinking  it  all  over  in  arnest,  "  it  seems  to 
me  as  if  I  was  kinder  hankering  arter  the  green  trees  and  the 
grass  and  cows,  and  the  wind  that  comes  straight  down  from 
heaven,  where  you  can  breathe  it  out  on  your  own  hook,  and 
not  take  it  second  hand,  as  we  do  in  York.  I  raly  think  I  should 
feel  like  a  new  critter  if  I  could  only  go  hum  a  spell  and  weed 
the  young  onions."  With  that  I  begun  to  think  about  the  hum- 
sted,  and  how  it  was  gitting  towards  planting  time  ;  and  think 
sez  I,  par  '11  miss  me  about  these  times,  and  marm  too,  for 
she  wont  have  any  body  to  do  her  milking  when  it  rains,  nor 
to  bring  water  and  du  up  all  the  leetle  chores  that  I  al'rs  did  for 
her.  Then  I  seemed  to  see  our  orchard  all  a  leaving  out  thick 
and  kivered  over  with  apple  blows ;  and  it  seemed  tu  me  as  if  I 
was  a  setting  on  the  stun  wall,  jest  as  I  used  to  when  I  was  a 
leetle  shaver,  a  looking  how  fast  the  grass  grew  and  a  wonder 
ing  how  long  it  would  be  afore  green  apple  time.  There  was  the 
well-crotch  and  the  pole,  and  the  bncket  a  hanging  to  it,  as 
plain  as  day,  and  the  peach  tree  that  grows  by  it  chuck  full  of 
pink  blows.  There  was  you  a  gitting  out  the  oxen  to  go  to  plough 
ing,  and  there  was  marm  out  in  the  meadow  at  the  back  door,  a 
picking  plantin  leaves  for  greens,  with  her  old  sun  bonnet  on, 
and  a  tin  pail  to  put  the  greens  in. 

Oh  dear,  how  humsick  I  did  feel !  I  could  a  boo-hooed  right 
out,  if  it  would  a  done  any  good,  when  I  sort  of  come  tu,  and 
found  out  that  I  was  setting  in  the  Express  office,  with  nothing 
but  picters  of  that  old  critter,  Gineral  Harrison,  and  a  heap  of 
newspapers  scattered  every  which  way  over  the  floor,  to  look  at 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  175 

"Wai,"  sez  the  Editor,  sez  he-,  "  Mr.  Slick,  what  do  you  think 
about  it?  you  raly  ought  to  go  to  Washington,  to  see  the  Presi 
dent  and  the  lions." 

I  put  one  leg  over  t'other,  and  winked  my  eyelids  for  fear  he'd 
see  how  near  I  come  to  crying ;  and  arter  a  leetle  while,  sez  I— 

"I  haint  no  kind  of  doubt  that  that  are  Washington  is  a 
smasher  of  a  city  ;  but  somehow,  if  you'd  jest  as  livs,  I'd  a  lee 
tle  rutlier  go  hum." 

"  Yes,"  sez  he,  "  I  haint  the  least  doubt  on  it ;  but  then,  if  you 
git  out  of  the  city,  it  don't  make  much  difference  which  way 
you  go." 

I  see  that  he'd  made  up  his  mind  to  have  his  own  way ;  but 
think  sez  I,  you  don't  git  it  without  another  tough  pull,  anyhow; 
BO  sez  I — 

"I  raly  feel  as  if  I  must  doctor  a  fcetle;  and  when  a  feller 
feels  tuckered  out,  or  down-hearted,  there  is  no  place  like  hum, 
if  it's  ever  so  homely, — and  nobody  can  Lake  care  of  a  feller  like 
his  own  marm.  Now  I  know  jest  how  it'll  be — the  minit  I  gii 
hum,  the  old  woman  Avill  go  to  making  root-beer ;  she'll  sarch 
all  over  the  woods  for  saxafax-buds  to  make  tea  on,  and  there'll 
be  no  eend  to  the  snake  root  and  fennel  seed  bitters  that  she'll 
make  me  drink.  I  raly  feel  as  if  I  must  go;  so  don't  you  say 
any  more  about  it,"  sez  I ;  u  I  shall  come  back  agin  as  bright  as 
a  new  dollar." 

If  there  is  anything  on  arth  that  holds  on  hard,  it's  a  York 
Editor;  a  lamper-eel  is  nothing  to  one  on  'em.  They'd  have 
their  own  way,  if  the  Old  Nick  himself  stood  afore  them  as  big 
as  the  side  of  a  house. 

By-am-by  the  hull  truth  come  out;  sez  the  Editor,  sez  he,  a 
speaking  as  soft  and  mealy-mouthed  as  could  be,  sez  he — 

"But,  Mr.  Slick,  you  can't  write  any  letters  for  us  in  Wea- 
thersfield ;  so  jest  make  up  your  mind  to  start  right  off.  YDU 
can  go  hum  any  time." 

"  But  I  want  to  doctor,"  sez  I. 

"Oh,  take  a  box  of  Sherman's  cough  lozengers,"  sez  he,  a 
smiling;  "  they  cured  you  last  winter,  you  know."  With  that, 
he  let  off  a  stream  of  soft  sodder,  sez  he,  "  a  man  of  your  talents 
oughtn't  to  bury  himself  in  the  country.  The  members  of  Cor- 


176  HIGH    LIFK    IX    NEW    YORK. 

gress  are  all  a-tip-toe  to  see  you,  and  so  are  the  gals  in  Washing* 
ton — the  Russian  Elbassador's  wife  and  all  on  'eui." 

It  warn't  in  human  natur  to  stand  agin  this;  so  I  sort  of 
relented. 

U0h,  you're  a  joking,"  sez  I,  a  hitching  on  my  chair; 
"I  don't  raly  s'pose  the  Washington  gals  ever  heard  of  me 
in  their  hull  lives." 

"  Hain't  they,  though,"  sez  he. 

"Wai,"  sez  I,  "I  should  kinder  like  tu  go,  jest  to  see  what 
Congress  people  look  like.  I've  a  sort  of  a  notion  that  mehby  I 
shall  run  for  Congressman  myself  one  of  these  days.  I  don't 
believe  there's  a  feller  in  all  York  better  qualified.  When  I  corno 
away  from  Weathersfield,  I  could  lick  any  feller  there,  big  or 
loetle  ;  and  I've  a  sort  of  a  sort  of  a  notion  that  I  can  dress  out 
any  of  them  varmints  in  the  Capitol,  if  they  do  practice  a  leetle 
more  than  I  du." 

The  Editor  of  the  Express,  he  larfed  a  leetle  easy,  and  sez  he, 
"  Well,  Mr.  Slick,  it's  all  settled  then — and  the  sooner  you  start 
the  better." 

"  I'll  think  about  it,"  sez  I. 

Wai,  I  went  back  tu  the  office  and  sot  down,  kinder  loth  tu 
go  so  far  from  hum  as  Washington  City,  and  yet  anxious  to 
oblige  the  Editor  of  the  Express ;  but  all  I  could  du,  thoughts 
of  the  humsted  kept  a  crowding  intu  my  mind  till  I  couldn't 
stand  it  DO  longer,  but  kivered  up  my  face  with  both  of  my 
hands  and  took  tu  crying  like  a  sick  baby.  Jest  then — while 
I  was  a  feeling  dreadfully — somebody  opened  the  door  of  my 
office,  and  in  walked  Captain  Doolittle,  with  his  hand  out,  and 
a  grinning  from  ear  tu  ear  as  if  he  was  eenajest  tickled  tu  death 
to  see  me  agin. 

I  jumped  right  up  and  shook  hands  with  him,  while  I  turned 
my  face  away  and  wiped  my  eyes  with  the  cuff  of  my  coat,  for 
I  felt  ashamed  to  let  him  ketch  me  a  crying. 

But  there  is  no  cheating  that  old  coot,  he's  wide  awake  as 
a  night  hawk. 

"  Jonathan,"  sez  he,  "  What's  the  matter — you  took  as  thin  as 
a  shad  in  summer — consarn  me  if  I  don't  believ*  you  Mv«  f»e«n 
boo-hooing." 


BY   JONATHAN   SUCK.  177 

"  You've  lost  your  guess  this  time,"  sez  I,  a  trying  to  put  on  a 
stiff  upper  lip. 

The  old  feller,  be  looked  in  my  face,  and  then  agin  on  the  cuff 
of  my  coat — then  he  folded  his  arms  and  stepped  back  and  eyed 
me  all  over,  and  sez  he  at  last, 

"  Jonathan,  one  thing  is  sartin,  either  you've  been  a  crying,  or 
you've  told  a  whopper  to  yonr  old  friend,  or — " 

"  Or  what  ?"  sez  I,  wiping  the  cuff  of  my  coat  on  my  trou 
sers'  leg — "  or  what  ?" 

"Or  your  deginerated — deginerated!"  sez  he,  "deginerated 
from  the  "Weathersfield  stock  !" 

"  "Wai,  I  don't  seem  to  understand  how  you'll  make  that  out," 
sez  I. 

"  Jonathan,"  sez  he,  as  arnest  as  could  be,  "  there  was  tears 
in  your  eyes  jest  as  I  come  in,  and  you  was  ashamed  on  'etn. 
Now,  slch  tears  as  a  smart,  honest  young  man  may  feel  in  his 
eyes  naturally,  are  nothing  to  be  ashamed  on  ;  when  he  gets  to 
thinking  of  hum  or  old  friends,  or  perhaps  them  that  are  dead 
and  gone, — the  drops  that  come  up  unawares  to  moisten  his  eyes 
we  wholesome  to  his  natur.  I've  seen  the  time,  Jonathan,  when 

.-minister's  prayer  didn't  seem  half  so  easing  to  the  heart.  An 
«.oi;est  chap  might  as  well  feel  streaked  about  saying  the  Lord's 
/Vayer ;  for  the  tears  that  thinking  of  them  that  we  love  sets  a 
going,  have  eenamost  as  much  religion  in  'em  as  singing  and 
prayiug  and  going  to  meeting  altogether.  Prayer,  Jonathan, 
prayer  falls  upon  the  natur  like  the  warm  sun  on  a  patch  of 
young  onions — and  tears,  ginuine  tears  that  come  from  tender 
thoughts,  Jonathan,  darn  me  if  they  ain't  the  rain  that  keeps  the 
young  shoots  green.  You  wouldn't  have  been  scared  about  my 
seeing  sich  tears,  Jonathan,  and  I  know  you've  got  tu  much  grit 
for  any  other — you  aint  the  chap  to  snuffle  and  cry  because  things 
go  crooked  with  you — I'm  sartin  of  that." 

"  I  reckon  you  may  be,"  sez  I. 

"  Wai,  Jonathan,"  says  the  captin,  a  folding  his  arms  close  up 
to  the  red  shirt  that  kivered  his  bosom,  "  there  aint  but  one  way 
of  accounting  for  it.  I  never  would  a  believed  it,  but  you've 
deginerated.  These  Yorkers  have  larned  you  to  be  ashamed  of 
eating  onions — it's  jest  arter  dinner  time — I  seo  through  it  all— 
12 


178  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    VORK. 

you've  been  a  thinking  of  hum,  and  tried  a  rnw  onion  for  once 
— your  eyes  aint  used  to  it  now,  and  that's  what  makes  'em  so 
red  and  misty.  I  have  seen  the  time,  Jonathan  Slick,  when  you 
could  cut  up  a  hull  peck  without  winking;  I've  seen  you  cronch 
one  like  a  meller  apple ;  and  now,  arter  living  in  York,  this  is 
the  eend  on't." 

"  Come,  captin,"  sez  I,  a  holding  out  my  hand,  "  don't  make 
a  coot  of  yourself,  I  can  eat  a  raw  onion  without  winking  as  well 
as  ever  I  could.  Seeing  as  you  can  peak  so  consarned  far  into  a 
rnill-stun,  I  may  as  well  own  up  and  settle  the  hash  to  once.  I've 
been  kinder  peaked  and  hum-sick  ever  since  spring  opened.  I 
sot  down  here  all  alone,  got  a  thinking  of  old  times  and  things 
to  hum,  and  that  sort  of  made  me  cry  afore  I  knew  it ;  that's  the 
hull  truth,  and  I'd  jest  as  livs  yon  knew  it  as  not." 

Oaptin  Doolittle,  he  gin  ray  hand  a  grip,  and  sez  he,  "That's 
right,  Jonathan,  own  up  like  a  man,  I  see  intu  it  now — hum-sick 
as  git  out — -just  what  I  wanted.  The  old  sloop  is  ready  to  sail 
right  off — pack  up  your  saddle-bags,  jump  aboard,  and  we'll  be 
in  Weathersfield  in  less  than  no  time.  Your  par  and  mar,  and 
Judy  White,  and  all  the  folks  tu  hum  will  be  tickled  eenamost  tu 
death  to  see  you." 

I  felt  my  heart  jump  right  intu  my  month,  but  it  sunk  agu» 
like  a  chunk  of  lead  when  I  thought  that  I'd  eenajest  agreed  M 
po  tu  "Washington.  "  Captin,"  sez  I,  "  I'm  afeared  I  can't  go — 
I've  nigh  about  promised  to  go  tu  Washington  City." 

"  Washington  City  be  darned,"  sez  he.  a  going  intu  my  back 
room  and  a  lugging  out  my  saddle-bags;  "Washington  City  can't 
hold  a  candle  tu  Weathersfield  this  time  of  the  year.  You  can't 
think  how  fresh  and  green  everything  looks;  the  square  beforo 
the  meeting-house  is  as  green  as  gra<s  can  be — the  laylock  trees 
ia  front  of  the  humstead  are  all  in  full  blow — we've  had  young 
letttiee  and  pepper-grass  there  these  three  weeks — think  of  that! 
with  good  sharp  vinegar,  plenty  of  pepper  and  salt,  and  a  sprin 
kle  of  young  onion-tops  mixed  in  jest  as  they  come  from  the 
patch  by  the  eend  of  the  barn, — Goth,  but  don't  it  make  your 
mcuth  water  only  to  thrnk  on  it,  Jonathan." 

"I  swow,  c;iptin,  there's  no  standing  it,  I  must  go." 

"  Sartinly  you  must — the  old  woman  would  go  olf  the  handle 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  ]7P 

if  I  should  come  back  without  you  and  Judy  White.  That  Judy 
is  a  nation  luirnsonie  gal,  Jonathan.  She  told  me  tu  jest  mention 
that  the  orchard  over  agin  the  house  was  in  full  blow  and  every 
tree  chuck  full  of  robins'  nests.  You  can  smell  that  orchard 
half-a-mile  off,  Jonathan,  but  Judy  says  it  kinder  makes  her 
molencholy  tu  see  the  trees  a  budding  out  so  agin,  and  the  birds 
a  singin  from  morniii  to  night  among  'em,  and  nobody  tu  enjoy 
it  but  her." 

"  I'll  go,  by  gnuly  offalus — I'll  go,"  sez  I,  "  but  wLat.  will  the 
editors  of  the  Express  say,"  sez  I,  feelin  all  over  in  spots  about 
goin  off  so. 

"  The  Express  go  tn  grass,"  sez  Captin  I)oolittle,  a  crowding 
my  pepper  and  salt  trousers  intu  the  saddle-bags. 

"Jest  so,"  sez  I,  a  helping  him  strap  up  the  bags;  "I'll  write 
a  letter  hum  tu  say  I'm  jest  astartin,  and  send  it  through  the  Ex 
press,  and  that  will  let  the  editors  know  what  I've  detarmined  on." 

"Jest  so,"  sez  Captiii  Doolittle,  "and  I  gaess  I'll  go  down  to 
the  sloop  with  the  saddle-bags.  I  only  jest  got  in  last  night, 
took  out  the  ladin  this  morning,  and  we  shall  be  a  cuttin  down 
the  Eust  river  afore  sunset;  quick  work,  I  reckon,  don't  you 
thir,K  so,  Jonathan  ?" 

"  I  should  ruther  think  it  was,"  sez  I. 

u  Wai,"  sez  he,  a  shoulderin  the  saddle-bags,  "  write  off  the 
letter  and  come  right  down.  You  mustn't  let  the  grass  grow 
under  your  feet,  now  I  tell  you.  Your  inarm  will  be  about  the 
tickledest  critter  that  you  ever  sot  eyes  on  when  you  git  back 
agin — she',  got  a  hull  lot  of  winter  apples  saved  up  yit  agin  you 
cum.  I  wirh  you  could  a  seen  the  old  critter  a  knittin  away  all 
the  long  winter  evenings  tu  git  you  a  hull  grist  of  socks  mado 
up;  she  seamed  every  darned  one  on  'em  clear  through,  jest 
because  it  was  for  you,  Jonathan." 

"You  don't  say  so!"  sez  I,  kinder  half  cryin  agin;  "now  du 
git  out,  will  you?  I  want  1u  write  my  letter  " 

With  that,  the  Captin  he  went  otT  saddle-bags  and  all.     I  sot 

down  and  wrote  off  this  letter  about  the  quickest,  I  can  tell  you. 

I  shah1  send  it  up  tu  the  Express  office,  and  if  we  have  good  luck, 

it  won't  be  long  arter  you  git  it  afore  you  will  shako  hands  with  us. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLIOK. 


180  HI01I    LIFE    IN    NEW     FORK. 


LETTER  XYIII. 

JONATHAN  SLICK  BETUBNED. 

Jonathan's  Arrival  in  New  York  from  the  onion  beds  at  Weathcrs- 
field — Jonathan  puts  up  at  the  Astor  House — His  notion  of  that 
great  heap  of  stones — Jonathan's  Ideas  of  a  New  York  Cab,  and 
the  usual  quarrel  of  a  Stranger  with  Cabmen — A  Sensation  is 
created  at  the  Astor. 
DEAB  PAE: 

Here  I  am  down  in  York  agin,  as  large  as  life  and  as  springy 
as  a  steel  trap.  Hurra !  but  don't  it  make  a  feller  feel  as  suple 
as  a  green  walnut  gad  to  have  these  stun  side  walks  under  his 
shoe  leather  once  more!  I  raly  felt  as  if  I  could  a'most  have 
jumped  over  the  housen,  eend  foremost,  I  was  so  glad  to  git 
ashore  at  Peck  Slip.  Gaptin  Doolittle,  he  kept  his  gab  a  going, 
a  hull  hour,  a  trying  to  make  out  it  warn't  worthy  a  ginuine 
Yankee  to  hanker  after  the  York  big  bugs  so.  Now  my  opinion 
is,  Captin  Doolittle  ain't  no  bad  judge  of  onions  and  other  garden 
sarse,  and  he  did  run  the  old  sloop  down  here  as  slick  as  grease, 
but  when  he  sets  himself  up  to  talk  about  genteel  society,  he 
raly  is  green.  - 

Look  a  here,  par,  did  I  ever  tell  you  what  a  looking  place  that 
Astor  House  is?  If  I  didn't,  jest  you  suppose  that  all  the  stun 
walls  in  old  Connecticut  had  been  hewed  down  as  smooth  as 
glass,  and  heaped  together,  one  a-top  of  t'other,  over  two  acres 
of  clearing,  up  and  up,  half  away  to  the  'sky  and  a  leetle  over ; 
suppose  then  the  hull  etarnal  great  heap  cut  up  into  winders  and 
doors,  with  almighty  great  slabs  of  stun  piled  up  for  steps  and 
pillars  standing  on  eend,  on  the  top,  to  hold  them  down — bigger 
than  the  highest  oak  tree  you  ever  sot  eyes  on,  and  then  you 
have  some  idee  what  a  whopping  consarn  that  Astor  House  is. 

At  fust  I  felt  a  leetle  skeery  at  going  to  board  there,  for  think 
sez  I,  if  they  charge  according  to  the  size  of  the  house,  I  guess 
it  '11  make  my  puss  strings  ache ;  but,  think  sez  I  agin,  the  best 


BY    JONATHAN    SUCK.  181 

taverns,  according  to  my  experience,  all'rs  charge  the  leastest 
prices,  I  will  give  'em  a  try  any  how. 

I  gin  a  cuffy  on  the  wharf  two  cents  to  go  and  get  a  carriage 
for  me,  for  I  meant  to  du  the  tiling  up  in  genteel  style,  and  cut 
the  hull  figger  when  I  once  begun.  Besides,  the  cabin  was  so 
stived  up  with  onion  barrels  and  heaps  of  red  cabbages,  besides 
the  turnips  and  winter  squashes,  that  I  hadn't  no  room  to  fix  up 
in  till  I  got  a  hum  somewhere  else,  and  my  dandy  clothes  have 
got  a  leetle  the  wus  for  wear,  and  don't  cut  quite  so  much  of  a 
dash  as  they  used  tu.  I  hadn't  but  jest  time  to  rub  them  down 
a  trifle  with  a  handful  of  oat  straw  that  I  took  from  one  of  the 
winter  apple  barrels,  and  to  slick  down  my  hair  a  few,  with  both 
my  hands,  when  the  nigger  cum  back  and  said  he  couldn't  find  a 
carriage,  but  he'd  got  a  fust  rate  cab. 

Sartinly  that  cab  was  one  of  the  darndest  queer  animals  that 
ever  run  arter  a  boss.  It  looked  like  a  set  of  stairs  on  wheels, 
with  a  great  overgrown  leather  trunk  sot  on  eend  half  way  up, 
with  the  lid  turned  over  one  side.  The  horse  was  hitched  to  the 
lowermost  step,  and  on  the  top  step  of  all,  clear  back,  sot  a  feller 
histed  up  in  the  air  with  a  great  long  whip,  and  lines  that  reach 
ed  clear  over  the  hull  consarn  to  the  horse's  head,  and  this  chap 
was  the  driver ;  but  he  looked  as  if  he'd  been  sot  there  wrong 
eend  foremost,  and  felt  awfully  streaked  and  top-heavy  about  it. 
It  raly  was  curious  to  watch  the  chap  as  he  laid  his  lines  on  the 
top  of  the  box  and  crept  down  stairs  to  stow  away  my  saddle- 
bagjf  and  the  hair  trunk  that  marm  gin  me.  When  he'd  got 
through,  I  jest  lifted  one  foot  from  the  ground,  and  there  I  sot  in 
a  little  cushioned  pen,  like  a  rooster  in  a  strange  coop,  or  a  rat  in 
an  empty  meal  bin.  The  feller  slam'd  tu  the  door  and  went  up 
the  steps  behind  agin,  then  I  ketched  sight  of  the  lines  a  dang 
ling  over  head,  like  a  couple  of  ribbon  snakes  a  twisting  about 
in  the  sunshine ;  and  away  we  went  trundling  along  like  a  great 
oversized  wheelbarrow,  with  a  horse  before,  a  driver,  behind,  and 
a  poor  unfortunate  critter  like  me  cooped  in  the  middle,  with  a 
trunk  and  pair  of  saddle-bags  for  company. 

Well,' on  we  went  hitch-a-te-hitch,  jerk-a-ty-jerk  through  the 
carts  and  horses  till  we  got  out  of  the  slip,  and  then  we  kept  on 


182  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

a  leotle  more  regular  till  by-and-by  the  horse  he  stopped  all  of 
himself  jest  afore  the  Astor  House. 

"Wai,"  sez  I  to  the  driver,  a  feeling  in  ray  trousers'  pocket 
for  a  ninepence — tor  the  nigger  told  me  that  them  new  fangled 
cabs  had  sot  up  a  sort  of  cheap  opposition  to  the  hacks — so 
sez  I, 

"Wai,  what's  the  damage?" 

"Only  a  dollar,"  sez  he,  a  giving  my  saddle-bags  and  trunk  a 
jerk  onto  the  steps,  and  eying  my  old  dandy  clothes  sort  of  su 
percilious,  as  if  he  thought  it  would  be  a  tough  job  for  me  to 
hand  over  the  chink.  I  begun  to  rile  up  a  leetle,  but  arter  a 
minit  I  happened  to  think  that  no  ginuine  gentleman  ever  gits 
mad  with  sich  a  ruff  scuff,  so  I  jest  looked  in  his  face,  and  sez  I, 

"How  you  talk!" 

"With  that  I  gin  him  a  quarter  of  a  dollar,  for  I  didn't  want  to 
be  mean ;  but  the  varmint  begun  to  bluster  up  as  if  he  wanted  to 
kick  up  a  tantrum.  I  didn't  seem  to  mind  it,  but  the  critter 
hung  on  yit  for  a  whole  dollar,  like  a  dog  to  a  sassafras  root,  and 
when  some  waiters  cum  down  and  took  away  my  things,  he  fol 
lowed,  and  ketching  hold  of  the  saddle-bags,  said  the  things 
shouldn't  go  till  he'd  got  his  pay.  With  that  I  went  up  to  him 
agin,  and  sez  I, 

"  Make  yourself  scarce,  you  etarn.il  mean  coot,  or  I'll  give  you 
the  pnrtyest  specimen  of  Weathersfield  sole  leather  that  you 
ever  sot  eyes  on— one  that'll  send  you  up  them  wheelbarrow 
steps  of  yourn  swifter  than  you  cum  down,  a  darned  sight.  You 
needn't  look  at  me — I'm  in  arnest,  and  I'll  du  it,  or  my  name 
aint  Jonathan  Slick." 

Oh  human  natur',  how  the  varmint  wilted  down  when  I  said 
this ;  he  took  off  his  hat,  and  sez  he— as  mean  as  a  frozen  pota- 
ter — says  he, 

"  I  didn't  know  as  it  was  you." 

"  I  rather  guess  you  didn't,"  says  I. 

The  feller  seemed  to  feel  so  sheepish  that  it  sort  of  mollified 
me,  and  so  I  up  and  gave  him  another  four-pence-h;i'penny. 
Will)  that  I  went  up  the  steps,  up  and  up  till  I  cum  to  a  great 
long  siun  hall  that  reached  tu  all  creation,  with  a  kind  of  a  bar- 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  183 

room  at  one  end.  It  was  a  sort  of  a  stun  side-walk  a  shut  up  in 
a  house ;  for  lots  of  men  were  talking  and  walking  about  as  easy 
as  if  they'd  been  in  the  street.  I  went  up  to  the  bar-room,  where 
a  chap  sot  with  sour  looks,  as  if  he  felt  to  hum  all  over,  and 
says  I — 

"  Do  you  take  in  boarders  here  ?" 

The  chap  looked  at  me  from  the  top  of  my  head  to  the  sole  of 
my  foot,  as  if  he'd  never  seen  a  full  sized  Yankee  in  his  life ;  and 
after  fidgeting  about,  says  he — 

"  Yes,  we  du  sometimes,  but  mebby  you've  mistook  the  place." 

"  I  reckon  not,"  says  I.  "  How  much  du  you  charge  a  week  ? 
J  paid  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents  down  in  Cherry-street,  but  I 
s'pose  you  go  as  high  as  four  dollars,  or  say  four  fifty." 

The  feller  looked  sort  of  flustered ;  so  thinks  says  I,  I  haint 
got  up  the  notch  yet,  so  I'll  give  one  more  hist. 

"  Wai,  sir,  it  goes  agin  the  grain  ;  but  seeing  as  it's  the  Astor 
House,  per'aps  I  might  give  as  high  as  five  dollars,  if  you'd 
tlirow  in  the  washing.  I  aint  hard  on  clothes,  say  a  shirt  and 
three  dickeys,  with  a  pair  of  yarn  socks  a  week,  and  a  silk  han- 
kercher  once  a  fortnight.  I  shall  have  to  be  a  trifle  extravagant 
-in  that  line." 

The  feller  grew  red  in  the  face,  and  looked  as  if  he  was  tick 
led  tu  death  at  gitting  such  an  offer.  Think  sez  I,  I  hope  to  gra 
cious  I'haint  made  a  coot  of  myself,  and  bid  up  too  high.  I  got 
so  'consarned  before  the  chap  spoke,  that  I  sort  of  wanted  to  git 
off  edgeways.  There  was  a  great  day-book  a  lying  by  him,  and 
sez  I — 

"I  see  you  trust  out  board  by  your  books;  but  I'm  ready  to 
Land  over  every  Saturday  night ;  so  per'haps  you'll  take  less  tor 
cash." 

The  feller  sort  of  choked  in  a  larf,  and  sez  he — 

"That  aint  a  day-book,  only  one  w-e  keep  for  folks  that  come 
here  to  write  down  their  names  in." 

Think  sez  I,  I  guess  I'll  write  my  name,  and  then  he'll  see  that 
he's  got  hold  of  a  cute  hand  for  a  bargain,  and  may  dock  off  a 
trifle  on  that  are  five  dollars. 

"  0,"  sez  I,  "  that's  it ;  well,  give  us  hold  here,  and  I'll  write 
my  name  right  off  for  you." 


184  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    VORK. 

The  feller  handed  over  the  pen.  I  stretched  out  my  right  arm, 
turned  the  cuff  of  my  coat  over,  flourished  off  a  long-tailed  J, 
till  the  ink  spattered  all  over  the  book ;  then  I  streaked  along  to 
the  S,  curled  it  up  harnsomely,  and  finished  off  with  a  K  that 
would  have  made  Mr.  Goldsmith,  the  writing-master,  in  Broad 
way,  feel  awk'ard  if  he'd  seen  it. 

I  wish  you  could  have  seen  that  Astor  House  chap,  when  lie 
read  the  name ;  he  looked  as  if  he  didn't  know  what  to  du,  but 
at  last  he  stepped  back,  and  he  made  a  bow,  and  sez  he, — 

"  Mr.  Slick,  we  are  glad  to  see  you  at  the  Astor  House,  and  we 
hope  you'll  stay  with  us  as  long  as  you  remain  in  the  city !" 

I  made  him  a  snubbed  sort  of  a  bow,  for  I  didn't  want  him  to 
think  I  was  over  anxious  to  stay  till  we'd  clinched  the  bargain 
about  the  board,  and  sez  I, — 

"  Wai.  now  about  the  price  of  your  fodder ;  I  s'pose  you'll 
dock  a  leetle  on  that  offer  of  mine.  It's  an  allfired  hard  price, 
now  ain't  it  ?" 

"  0,"  sez  he,  "  never  mind  the  board,  Mr.  Slick,  we  shan't  be 
hard  with  you  on  that  score.  The  man  will  show  you  a  room, 
and  I  hope  you'll  feel  yourself  quite  to  hum  with  us." 

With  that  a  feller  cuin  up  to  look  at  the  big  book,  and  then 
he  whispered  to  another,  and  it  wasn't  two  mimts  afore  a  hul 
squad  of  fellers  cum  around,  as  if  I'd  been  a  bear  set  up  for  a 
show,  at  a  copper  a  head. 

One  of  the  chaps  he  cut  up  stairs  like  all  possessed,  as  if  he 
was  a  going  tu  bring  up  somebody  else,  so  I  begun  to  think  it 
about  time  for  me  to  cut  stick  ;  so  I  hollered  arter  a  waiter,  and 
told  him  to  take  me  up  where  he'd  put  my  trunk.  The  chap 
went  ahead,  and  I  fullered  arter. 

I  tell  you  what,  it  wants  a  steady  head  to  navigate  through 
all  them  long  entry  ways,  and  up  them  stairs,  around  and  across 
every  which  way,  as  I  did,  till  I  came  to  a  room  door  up  at  tho 
tip  top  of  the  house.  My  head  went  around  like  a  fly-trap. 
When  the  door  was  shut  I  was  so  dizzy,  I  opened  the  winder, 
nnd  looked  out  tu  see  if  the  cold  air  wouldn't  du  me  good.  O 
gracious  me !  didn't  it  make  me  ketch  my  breath  tu  see  how  liitjh 
up  they'd  stuck  me.  The  clouds  seemed  to  be  purty  close  neigh 
bors.  I  looked  right  straight  over  the  biggest  trees  in  the  park, 


"  I  wish  you  coulj  a  seen  that  Astor  House  chap  when  he  read  the  name :  he 
looked  as  if  he  didn't  know  what  to  du  .but  at  last  he  stepped  back,  and  he  mode 
a  bow,  and  sez  he—" — Page  184. 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  185 

fca  if  they'd  been  black  alder  bushes,  and  my  nose  cum  jest  about 
on  a  line  with  the  City  Hall  clock.  It  sartinly  did  make  rue  feel 
a  leetle  skittish  to  look  down  into  Broadway.  The  men  went 
streaking  along  like  a  crowd  of  good-sized  rats  a  going  out  a 
visiting,  and  the  gals  that  went  sidling  along  under  their  parasols, 
were  the  darndest  harnsome  little  finefied  things  I  ever  dreamed 
of.  It  seemed  as  if  all  the  wax  dolls  had  broke  loose  from  the 
store  winders,  and  was  a  walkin  out  to  take  the  air  with  each  on 
'em  a  toad-stool  to  keep  the  sun  of.  Taking  the  hul  together, 
men  and  gals,  coaches,  cabs,  trees,  and  horses,  it  was  about  the 
funniest  sight  I  ever  sot  eyes  on. 

It  was  worth  while  to  look  down  on  the  front  of  the  housen 
too,  only  one  felt  all  the  time  as  if  he  was  a  goin  to  topple  down 
head  fust.  The  winder  to  my  room  wasn't  none  of  the  largest, 
and  a  round  vine,  all  cut  out  of  the  solid  stun,  was  twistified 
round  it  on  the  outside ;  and  a  heap  of  the  same  sort  stretched 
along  the  right  and  left  side  like  a  string  of  purty  picters  hung 
out  for  show.  Think  sez  I,  if  any  body  would  look  up  and  see 
me  a  standing  here,  they  might  see  the  true  profile  of  Jonathan 
Slick  cut  off  at  the  shoulders  and  hung  in  a  frame,  a  live  picter, 
without  paint  or  whitewash.  I  wish  to  gracious  some  of  them 
York  artists  would  paint  me  jest  so,  for  I  raly  must  a  looked  like 
a  picter  while  I  stood  in  that  winder,  but  it  made  me  worse  insted 
of  better,  so  I  hauled  in  my  head. 

Arter  I'd  gin  myself  a  good  sudsing  in  the  wash-hand  basin, 
I  unbuckled  my  saddle-bags,  and  thought  I'd  fix  up  a  leetle,  for 
somehow  my  clothes  seemed  to  smell  sort  of  oniony  arter  sleep 
ing  so  long  in  the  sloop  cabin.  Since  I've  been  hum  my  hair  has 
grown  about  right,  only  it's  a  leetle  sun-barnt ;  but  that  don't 
show  much  when  I've  combed  it  out  slick  with  a  fine  tooth  comb, 
and  rubbed  it  down  with  a  ball  of  pomatum,  scented  with  winter- 
green.  I  parted  it  straight  down  the  middle,  like  some  of  the 
gals  afore  class  meeting ;  and  I  slicked  it  down  with  both  hands, 
till  it  glistened  like  a  black  cat  in  the  dark. 

Arter  I'd  purty  near  satisfied  myself  with  that,  I  sot  tu  and 
put  on  the  red  and  blue  checkered  trousers  that  inarm  cut  and 
made  arter  my  dandy  clothes  made  in  York.  They  are  a  ginuine 
fit,  except  that  they  strain  rather  severe  on  the  galluses,  and 


186  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

pucker  jest  the  leastest  mite  about  the  knee  jinta ;  but  they  aint 
eo  coarse  for  all  tow,  nor  the  cam-colored  coat  neither.  The 
cotton  dicky  that  you  and  Judy  fixed  up  for  me,  curled  up  around 
my  chin  and  under  the  ears  about  the  neatest ;  they  looked  as 
good  as  linen,  every  mite ;  and  when  J  twisted  that  checkered 
silk  scarf,  that  Judy  gave  me  for  a  keep-sr  ke  arter  *-he  got  molli 
fied  about  my  going  to  York,  around  my  neck,  and  let  the  long 
ends,  fringe  and  all,  hang  down  sort  of  careless  over  my  green 
vest,  criscrossed  with  red  streaks,  I  ruther  guess  you  haiut  seen 
a  chap  of  my  size  dressed  up  so  in  a  long  time. 

You  know  that  great  harnsome  broach  that  I  bartered  away 
the  apple  sarse  for  in  Hartford  last  fall.  Wai,  I  was  jest  a  stick 
ing  that  into  my  shirt  bosom,  and  a  thinking  what  a  consarned 
harnsome  feller  was  a  peaking  at  me  out  of  the  looking  glass, 
•when  somebody  knocked  at  the  door.  I  stopped  to  twistify 
my  dicky  down  a  trifle,  and  to  shake  a  leetle  speck  of  essence  of 
wintergreen  on  my  hankercher,  and  then  I  went  to  the  door. 

One  of  the  chaps  that  I'd  seen  down  stairs  was  there ;  he 
didn't  say  nothing,  but  made  a  bow  and  gin  me  a  piece  of  stiff 
paper  about  as  big  as  the  ace  of  spades,  with  "  Fanny  Elssler  " 
printed  right  in  the  middle  on  it. 

Wai,  think  sez  I,  u  what  on  arth  does  this  mean  ?  I  haint  seen 
a  door  yard  fence  nor  a  post  since  I  come  to  York,  but  this  ere 
etarnal  name  was  stuck  up  on  it,  and  now  I'll  be  choked  if  it 
haint  chased  me  up  here  into  the  tip  top  of  the  Astor  House." 
Aa  I  was  a  thinking  of  this,  I  kinder  turned  the  paper  in  my 
hand,  and  there  on  t'other  side  was  a  heap  of  the  purtyest  leetle 
finefied  writing  that  I  ever  did  see.  It  was  as  plain  as  print, 
and  as  fine  as  a  spider's  web,  but  I  couldn't  make  out  a  word  of 
it  to  save  my  life.  ' 

I  never  was  so  flustrated  in  my  born  days,  but  arter  thinking 
on  it  a  jiffy,  I  seemed  to  understand  it,  and  was  sartin  that  some 
body  had  writ  a  new  fangled  sort  of  a  letter  to  Fanny  Ellsler, 
and  had  sent  it  to  my  room  instead  of  her'n. 

I  run  out  into  the  entry  way  and  hollered  "lie! low"  to  the 
chap  like  all  natur,  but  he'd  made  himself  scarce,  and  so  I  went 
back  agin.  I  swanny,  if  I  knew  how  to  fix  it.  I  didn't  want 
the  pesky  critter's  letter,  and  then  agin,  I  didn't  much  want  to 


BT   JONATHAN    SLICK.  187 

go  and  carry  it  to  her,  for  fear  she'd  take  mo  for  one  of  them 
long-haired,  lanteru-jawed  coots  that  hanker  round  sich  foreign 
she  critters,  like  lean  dogs  a  huntin  around  a  bone.  But  then 
agin  I  raly  had  a  sort  of  a  sneaking  notion  to  see  her,  if  I  could 
as  well  as  not.  So  I  up  and  went  to  the  looking  glass  and  gin 
my  hair  a  slick  or  two,  and  took,  a  sort  of  giueral  survey,  to  be 
sartin  that  I  was  according  to  gunter. 

There  wasn't  no  mistake  in  that  chap,  I  can  tell  you.  Every 
thing  was  smooth  as  amber-grease,  and  my  hair  was  so  shiney 
and  slick  that  a  fly  would  a  slipped  up  if  he'd  ventured  to  settle 
on  it.  I  ony  jest  pulled  the  corner  of  my  new  liandkercher  out 
of  my  coat  pocket  a  trifle,  then  I  put  my  hat  on  with  a  genteel 
tip  upwards,  and  down  I  went,  chomping  a  handful  of  pep 
permint  drops  as  I  went  along  in  case  my  breath  hadn't  quite 
got  over  the  smell  of  fried  onions  that  Captin  Doolittle  gin  me 
for  breakfast  aboard  the  sloop. 

"  Look  a  here,"  sez  I  to  a  chap  that  I  cum  across  in  one  of  the 
entry  ways  as  I  was  a  trying  to  circumnavigate  down  stairs,  "  you 
don't  know  where  abouts  Miss  Elsslcr  lives,  now  du  you?" 

"Yes,"  sez  he,  a  stopping  short,  "she  has  the  large  parlor  iu 
front,  jest  over  the  great  entrance  on  the  second  floor." 

u  What!  she  don't  live  here  in  the  Astor  House,  does  she?" 
sez  I, 

"  Sartinly,"  sez  he. 

"You  don't  say  so,"  sez  I. 

"Yes  I  do  say  so,"  sez  he,  a  larfin. 

"Wai,  now  I  cum  to  think  on  it  I  guess  you  du,"  sez  I;  "but 
I  say  now,  you  hadn't  jest  as  livs  as  not  go  and  show  me  the 
door,  had  you  ?" 

"  Oh,  I  haint  no  particular  objections."  sez  he,  and  with  that 
he  begun  twistifying  down  stairs  and  around  and  across,  and  I 
arter  him  like  the  tail  to  a  kite,  till  by-am-by  he  hauled  up  close 
to  a  room  door,  and  arter  saying,  "  this  is  the  room,"  and  giving 
a  bow,  cut  off1  before  I'd  ti^ie  to  ask  him  how  his  marm  was. 
Your  affectionate  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


188  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    VOKK. 


LETTER  XIX. 

JONATHAN  SLICK  AND  FANNY  EL8SLEB. 

A  live  Yankee  and  the  Parisian  Danseuse ! — Fanny  sends  her  Card 
and  Jonathan  makes  a  call — Down  East  Yankee  and  French-Eng 
lish  rather  hard  to  be  understood — Jonathan  quite  killed  off  by 
Fanny's  Curchies  and  Dimples — A  little  sort  of  a  Flirtation — An 
Invitation  to  see  Fanny  in  Nathalie,  which  is  accepted. 

DEAB  PAR: 

I  swow,  I  thought  I  should  a  choked,  ray  heart  riz  so  when  I 
see  that  I'd  got  to  go  in  alone,  and  when  I  took  hold  of  the 
chunk  of  brass  that  opens  the  door,  I  felt  the  blood  a  biling  up 
into  my  face  like  hot  sap  in  a  sugar  kettle.  I  kinder  half  opened 
the  door,  and  then  I  kinder  shut  it  agin;  arter  ketching  a  good 
long  breath  I  give  the  door  a  rap,  and  begun  to  pull  up  my  dicky 
sort  of  careless  to  let  'em  know  I  wasn't  scared  nor  nothing,  and 
then  I  rapped  agin. 

Gracious !  before  I  took  my  fist  away,  the  door  opened  softly 
as  if  it  slid  on  ile,  and  there  stood  a  woman  sort  of  harnsome 
and  sort  a  not,  with  a  leetle  cap  chuck  fall  of  posies  stuck  on 
the  back  of  her  head,  a  looking  me  right  in  the  face  as  cosey  as 
if  she'd  been  acquainted  with  me  when  I  was  a  nussing  baby.  I 
put  my  foot  out  to  give  her  my  primest  bow,  but  think  sez  I, 
mebby  it  aint  Miss  Elssler  arter  all ;  she  looks  too  much  like  an 
old  maid  for  that ;  so  I  gin  my  foot  a  jerk  in  and  my  hand  a 
genteel  flurish  towards  her,  and  sez  I — 

44  How  do  you  du  marm  ?" 

She  looked  at  me  sort  of  funny,  and  her  month  begun  to  puck 
er  itself  up,  but  sez  she,  "  How  do  you  du  ?"  a  biting  off  the 
words  as  short  as  pie  crust. 

44  Pnrty  well,  I'm  obliged  to  you,"  sez  I,  "  Miss  Elssler  aint  to 
hum,  is  she  ?" 

The  critter  looked  at  me  as  sober  as  a  clam  in  high  water,  but 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  189 

yet  she  seemed  to  be  kinder  tickled  inside  of  her,  and  turning  her 
head  round  she  let  out  a  stream  of  stuff  to  somebody  inside.  It 
•wasn't  talking,  nor  singing,  nor  scolding,  nor  yet  was  it  crying, 
but  some  sort  of  sounds  kept  a  running  off  from  her  tongue  as 
soft  as  a  brook  over  a  bed  of  white  pebble  stuns,  and  about  as 
fast  tu.  She  kept  her  hand  a  running  up  and  down  as  if  she'd 
half  a  notion  to  beat  time  to  her  own  new  fashioned  singing,  till 
all  tu  once,  up  cum  a  critter  from  t'other  eend  of  the  room,  all 
dressed  in  white,  as  if  she'd  jest  cum  out  of  a  band-box,  with' 
allfired  harnsome  black  hair  sleeked  down  each  side  of  her  face, 
with  a  hull  swad  of  it  twisted  up  behind,  with  a  golden  pin  stuck 
through  the  heap,  like  one  of  marm's  spindles  spiked  through  a 
hunk  of  flax.  The  head  of  the  pin  was  as  big  as  a  shag-bark 
walnut,  and  some  sort  of  stun  was  sot  in  it  that  was  like  a  gal's 
mind,  no  two  minits  alike — now  it  was  red,  now  yaller,  now 
green,  and  again  all  these  colors  seemed  jumbled  together  and  a 
flashing  inside  of  it  till  you  couldn't  tell  which  was  which.  I 
swanny,  if  it  didn't  glisten  so  that  I  eenamost  forgot  that  it  was 
stuck  in  a  woman's  head,  and  that  she  was  a  looking  into  my 
face  as  mealy-mouthed  and  soft  as  could  be. 

"  Has  the  gentleman  mistook  the  room,"  sez  she — 

The  words  were  sort  of  snipped  off,  but  oh  gracious,  warn't 
they  sweet !  lasses  candy  and  maple  sugar  was  in  every  syllable. 
It  seemed  as  if  the  critter  had  been  fed  forever  on  nothing  but 
mellow  peaches  and  slippery  elm  bark,  she  spoke  so  soft.  She 
kinder  smiled  tn,  but  it  was  nat'ral  as  could  be.  Think  sez  I 
mebby  the  coot  has  led  me  into  the  wrong  goose  pen,  but  there 
aint  no  help  for  it  now.  So  I  jest  walked  a  step  for'ard,  and 
BCZ  I — 

"  How  do  you  du  marm  ?" 

"  I  kinder  guess  there  aint  no  mistake  worth  a  mentioning.  If 
Miss  Elssler  aint  to  hum  I'll  make  tracks  and  cum  agin,  it  aint  no 
trouble,  I'd  just  as  livs  as  not,  but  I  guess  I'll  leave  this  ere  letter' 
for  fear  she  may  want  it.  Some  etarnal  coot  brought  it  up  to 
my  room,  but  I  suppose  the  critter  didn't  know  no  better — some 
of  these  York  chaps  are  green  as  young  potatoes,  don't  you  think 
BO,  marm  ?" 

I  didn't  wait  for  no  answer,  but  handed  over  the  new  fangled 


190  HIGH    LIFE    IN"    NEW    YORK. 

letter,  and  was  a  going  right  off  agin,  but  she  looked  at  the  letter 
sort  of  astonished,  and  then  at  me,  till  I  didn't  know  what  to 
make  of  it.  Arter  a  rainit,  sez  she — 

u  Why  dis  is  the  card  for  Mr.  Slick,  one  of  de  Editors  of  de 
Express  who  has  just  arrived ;  certainly  ho  could  not  be  so  rude 
as  to  send  it  back  airain." 

Oh  gracious!  think  sez  I,  "  Jonathan  Slick,  if  you  haint broke 
your  onion  string  now  !" 

"  Was  the  gentleman  out  ?"  sez  she,  looking  at  the  paper,  and 
then  at  me  a<pn. 

Think  sez  I — "You'd  better  ask  his  marm,"  for  I'll  be  darned 
if  he  can  tell  that,  or  anything  else.  I  aint  quite  f-artin  if  he 
knows  jest  this  iniuit  which  eend  his  head's  on.  But  there's 
nothing  like  keeping  a  stiff  upper  lip  in  sich  places  as  York.  In 
less  than  half  a  jiffy  I  reached  out  my  hand  sort  of  easy,  and 
took  the  paper  out  of  her  hand,  and  then  I  gin  her  a  smile,  as 
much  as  to  say,  aint  I  a  careless  shote?  and,  sez  I, 

'•  NOw  I  swanny,  did  you  ever  !  Well  now  who'd  a  thought 
it," — and  with  that  I  began  to  feel  in  my  vest,  and  dug  my  hands 
down  in  my  trousers'  pockets,  as  if  I'd  give  the  wrong  paper, 
and  had  lost  something  else,  and  wouldn't  give  up  till  I'd  found 
it.  I  didn't  seem  content  till  I'd  pulled  out  my  yaller  hanker- 
cher  and  shook  it,  and  then  I  ."lopped  still,  and  sez  I, 

"Now  if  this  don't  beat  all.  aint  I  the  beatermost  feller  for 
losing  things?  Ilowsomever,  it's  well  it  aint  no  worse.  lean 
write  another  almost  any  time.  Jest  tell  Miss  Elssler  thfct  Mr. 
Slick  has  called  in  to  thank  her  for  her  harnsome  little  keepijcke, 
and  that  he's  felt  awfully  wamblecropped  when  he  found  out  she 
wasn't  to  hum." 

The  woman  that  come  to  the  door  fust,  she  looked  at  the  other 
and  begun  gabbling  away,  and  then  the  black  haired  one,  sez  she, 

"Oh,  Mister  Sleeke,  pardon!  pardon!  I  am  so  sorry  to  keep 
you  PO  long  standing.  I  did  not  know!  walk  in,  walk  in.  I  am 
most  happy  to  see  gentlemen  of  de  press — most  happy  of  any  to 
see  Mister  Sleeke."  With  that  she  stepped  back  and  made  the 
purtyest  leetle  curchy  that  ever  I  see ;  it  was  Jike  a  speckled 
trout  diving  into  a  brook  jest  enough  to  give  a  curve  to  the  watej 
and  no  more. 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  191 

"  Oh  dear!"  think  sez  I,  "  Jonatban  Slick,  if  yon  havn't  been 
a  weeding  in  tbe  wrong  bed  agin.  That  critter  is  Fanny  Elssler 
as  true  as  all  creation  ;  no  woman  on  arth  could  make  sich  a 
curchy  but  her."  I  guess  my  face  blazed  up  a  few,  but  I  seen 
that  there  was  no  backing  out,  so  not  to  be  behind  hand  in  good 
manners  I  stepped  back,  put  out  my  foot  with  a  flourish  that 
made  the  seams  to  my  new  trousers  give ;  then  I  drew  my  right 
heel  into  the  hollow  of  my  left  foot,  and  kept  a  bending  for'ard 
all  the  time  with  a  sort  of  deliberate  gentility,  till  my  eyos  had  to 
roll  up  the  leastest  mite  to  keep  sight  of  her'n.  Then  I  drew  up 
agin  easy,  like  a  jack-knife  with  a  tough  spring,  and  finished  off 
with  a  flurish  of  my  hand  up  to  my  hat  and  back  agin ;  that  last 
touch  left  mo  standing  parpendic'lar  right  before  her,  as  a  free 
born  citizen  of  America  ought  tu. 

"  Miss  Elssler,"  sez  I,  how  do  you  du?  You  haint  no  idea  how 
tickled  I  am  to  see  you." 

That  and  the  bow  of  mine  did  the  bisness  for  her.  I  never 
did  see  a  critter  act  so  tickled — the  dimples  kept  a  coming  and 
going  round  that  sweet  mouth  of  her'n  like  the  bubbles  on  a 
glass  of  prime  cider.  Her  eye."  were  brimful  of  funny  looks,  and 
she  grew  harnsomer  every  minit.  Her  face  realy  was  like  a  pic 
ture  book ;  every  time  I  took  a  peak  it  seemed  as  if  she'd  turned 
over  a  new  leaf  with  a  brighter  pictur  painted  on  it. 

She  went  along  towards  a  bench  all  cushioned  off,  that  looked 
as  if  it  was  tu  good  to  be  sot  on,  and  there  she  stood  a  waving 
that  white  hand,  as  much  as  to  say,  set  down  here  Mr.  Slick, 
and  don't  be  parti clar  about  gittirig  too  fur  off  from  them  square 
pillars  for  I  shall  set  agin  them  myself. 

I  made  her  a  kind  of  a  half  bow,  and  then  arter  giving  my 
hand  a  wave  to  match  her'n, — sez  I — 

"  Arter  you  is  manners  for  me." 

The  critter  understands  what  good  manners  is;  her  black  eyes 
begun  to  sparkle  and  the  smile  came  around  her  little  mouth 
thicker  and  faster,  like  lady  bugs  around  a  full  blown  rose.  I 
begun  to  feel  to  hum  with  her  right  off,  so  when  she  sot  down 
and  looked  into  my  face  with  them  sarcy  mischievous  eyes  of 
her'n,  and  hitched  up  to  the  square  cushion  sort  of  inviting,  I 
jest  divided  my  coat  tail  with  both  hands  and  sot  down  tu. 


192  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

But  when  I  got  down  I'll  be  darned  if  I  knew  what  on  artli  to 
talk  about ;  I  stretched  one  of  my  new  boots  out  on  the  carper, 
and  then  crossed  t'other  over  it  aud  then  I  did  it  all  over  agin, 
but  still  I  kept  growing  more  and  more  streaked,  till  by-am-by 
I  jest  sidled  towards  her  kind  of  insinuating,  and  sez  I — 

"  Wai,  Miss  Elssler,  what's  the  news?" 

"  E — a  de  what,"  sez  she,  a  looking  puzzled  half  to  death. 

"Oh  nothing  partic'lar,"  sez  I.  "I  swow,  Miss  Elssler, 
you've  got  a  tarnal  purty  foot — git  out  you  critter  you!"  and 
•with  that  I  gave  my  yaller  hankercher  a  flirt  and  upset  a  fly 
that  had  lit  on  the  tip  eend  of  her  finefied  silk  shoe.  Arter  I'd 
finished  his  bisness,  I  folded  up  my  hankercher  and  wiped  my 
nose,  and  then  put  it  in  my  pocket  agin.  Then  I  begun  to  think 
it  was  best  to  take  a  new  start,  and  sez  I — 

"  Its  rather  pleasant  weather  for  the  season,  don't  you  think 
BO — beautiful  day  yesterday,  wasn't  it  ?" 

She  gave  me  one  of  her  sweet  smiles,  and  sez  she — 

"  Yes  it  was,  indeed.  I  was  on  board  one  French  vessel  in 
the  harbor  yesterday,  and  was  so  delighted." 

"  What  sort  of  a  consarn  was  it  ?"  sez  I,  "  a  sloop  mebby  " — 

"  Oh  no,"  sez  she,  "  it  was  a  La  Belle  Poule." 

"  Oh,"  sez  I,  "  they  don't  call  them  sloops  in  France,  I  s'pose ; 
but  I  say,  Miss  Elssler,  have  you  ever  been  aboard  a  regular 
Yankee  craft,  say  a  Connecticut  river  sloop  or  a  two  mast 
schooner  from  down  East?  them's  the  ginuine  sea  birds  for  youl 
Now  my  Par's  got  one  a  lying  down  to  Peck  Slip  that'll  take  the 
shine  off  from  any  of  your  Bell  pulls  or  Bell  ropes  either,  I'll  bet 
a  cookey.  I  should  raly  like  to  show  yon  the  critter,  I'm  sartin 
Captin  Doolittle  would  go  off  the  handle,  he'd  be  so  tickled. 
Supposing  you  and  I  go  down  some  day  and  git  a  peep  at  her, 
and  take  a  glass  of  cider  and  a  cold  bite  in  the  cabin.  Now 
what  do  you  say?" 

"  Oh,  I  shall  be  very  happy ;"  eez  she,  yet  I  thought  she  looked 
kinder  puzzled,  and  so  to  make  her  feel  easy  about  it  sez  I — 

u  Don't  be  oiieasy  about  the  trouble,  it  won't  be  no  put  out  to 
Oaptin  Doolittle,  he's  al'rs  on  hand  for  a  spree.  Supposing  we 
set  day  after  to-morrow,  it's  best  to  give  the  old  chap  time  to 
slick  up  a  leetle,"  sez  I. 


BY    JOrfATHAJJ    6I.ICK.  193 

"Any  time  that  pleases  ifr.  bieeke,"  extz  she,  a  bowiug  her 
Load. 

I  wish  to  gracious  Par,  you  could  Lear  how  the  critter  talks. 
She  nips  off  some  words  and  strings  out  otLers,  like  a  baby  jest 
larning.  The  way  she  draws  out  Mr.  Slick  is  funny  enough, 
you'd  think  she'd  been  greasing  her  tongue  to  do  it  fust  rate. 

Wai,  arter  we'd  settled  about  the  sloop,  there  come  another 
dead  cairn  and  I  begun  to  feel  awk'ard  agin,  so  I  got  up  and  went 
to  a  table  that  was  a'most  kivered  over  with  tumblers  and  chiny 
cups,  stuffed  full  of  posies,  and  taking  one  of  'em  up,  I  stuck  my 
nose  into  the  middle  on  it  "and  giv  a  good  snuff.  By  the  time  I 
got  through,  Miss  Elssler  she  cum  and  stood  close  by  me,  alook- 
ing  so  tempting  that  I  bust  rite  out  and  sez  I — 

u  I  swan,  Miss  Elssler,  its  eenamost  as  sweet  as  your  face." 

She  looked  at  me  again,  sort  of  wild,  as  if  she  wasn't  used  to 
have  folks  praise  her,  so  I  choked  in,  and  sez  I — 

"  Are  you  fond  of  posies  ?" 

She  chewed  up  some  soft  words  that  I  couldn't  make  out,  and 
then  sez  I  agin — 

"  You've  got  a  swad  of  'em  here,  any  how.  Some  of  your 
beaus  sent  them  to  you,  now,  I'll  bet  something." 

"  Oli,"  sez  she,  a  larting,  "  dey  were  all  flung  on  de  stage  last 
night,  de  new  York  gentlemen  dey  are  so  gallant." 

I  said  nothing  but  kept  a  darned  of  a  thinking.  There  wasn't 
a  ginuine  prime  posey  among  'ern,  nothing  but  leetle  finefied 
roses,  and  buds  and  leaves,  and  white  posies  tied  up  in  bunches, 
jest  sich  leetle  things  as  a  feller  might  give  to  a  young  critter  of  a 
gal  that  he  took  a  notion  tu,  but  no  more  fit  for  sich  a  smasher 
as  Miss  Elssler  than  a  missionary  psalm  book.  She  begun  to  un 
tie  one  of  the  bunches,  and  stuck  a  tew  into  her  bosom,  and  then 
she  twisted  the  ribbon  round  a  harnsome  red  rose  and  a  heap  of 
green  leaves,  and  puckering  up  that  sweet  mouth  of  her'n,  she 
gin  it  to  me  with  a  half  curchy.  Gaury  1  didn't  my  heart  floun 
der,  and  didn't  the  fire  flash  up  into  ray  eyes.  I  pinned  the 
<>se  into  my  shirt  bosom  with  my  new  broach,  and  then  I  looked 
at  the  posies  that  lay  on  her  bosom  so  tan/arizing,  and  sez  I — 

u  Oh  dear !  how  I  wish  I  was  a  honey  bee — I  guess  I  know 
what  bunch  of  posies  I'd  settle  in." 
13 


JP4  HIGH    TJFR    TN    XVW    YORK. 

8he  didn't  seem  to  know  how  to  take  this,  atul  I  was  eenamost 
beared  into  a  caniption  tit  to  think  what  I'd  been  a  saying. 
Think  sez  I,  now  Jonathan,  if  you  hain't  done  it!  I  ruther 
guess  you'd  better  cut  dirt,  and  not  try  agin ;  so  I  took  out  my 
watch,  and  sez  I — 

"  Goodness  gracious  1  its  time  for  me  to  be  a  going.  Don't 
forgit,  our  bargin  is  clinched  about  the  sloop,  will  you  now,  Miss 
Elssler?" 

"With  that  I  edged  towards  the  door,  and  arter  making  another 
prime  bow,  I  went  out,  feeling  sort  of  all-overish,  I  can't  tell 
how.  I  kinder  think  she  wasn't  very  wrothy  arter  all,  for 
she  curchied  and  smiled  so,  I  guess  there  wasn't  much  harm 
done. 

The  minit  I  got  to  my  room  I  was  all  in  a  twitter  to  find  out  what 
was  on  the  paper  Miss  Elssler  had  sent  to  me,  for  I  hadn't  found  out 
yet.  Every  word  that  I  could  make  out  was,  Madame  ma  Selle 
Elssler,  and  something  that  looked  like  compliments  spelt  wrong: 
you  can't  think  how  I  was  puzzled.  I  turned  the  paper  upside 
down,  and  up,  and  every  which  way,  but  if  the  rest  wasn't  writ 
in  some  sort  of  hog  Latin,  I  hadn't  no  idqe  what  it  was,  for  I 
couldn't  make  out  another  word,  so  at  last  I  chucked  the  paper 
onto  the  mantel-shelf,  for  I  wouldn't  hold  in  no  longer,  and  sez 
I,  all  alone  to  myself,  as  wrathy  as  could  be,  sez  I, 

"  Madam  ma  Selle  Elssler,  and  be  darned,  for  what  I  care ;  I 
wish  to  gracious  she  knew  how  to  write  coarser." 

By-am-by  I  took  up  the  thing  agin,  for  it  made  mo  feel  sheep 
ish  to  think  I  couldn't  make  out  to  read  so  much  Latin  as  a  gal 
could  write,  arter  going  to  grammar  school  so  long,  but  it  wasn't 
of  no  use,  so  think  sez  I.  I'll  jest  go  down  to  the  bar-room  and 
see  where  the  critter  is  to  be  sold,  and  what  madam  it  is  that's 
going  to  knock  her  off.  So  down  I  went,  and  sez  I  to  the  man 
sort  of  easy,  sez  I, 

"  So  you're  a  going  to  have  an  auction  here,  aint  you  ?" 

The  chap  looked  up,  and  at  fust  he  didn't  seem  to  know  n.e 
agin  in  my  fix  up,  but  arter  a  minit  he  smiled,  and  sez  he, 

"  Dear  me,  Mr.  Slick,  is  it  you  agin  ?  An  auction !  no,  not  as 
I  know  on." 

"  Oh  !"  sez  I.  and  with  that  I  begun  to  twistify  the  square  paper 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  195 

about  in  my  fingers,  and  at  last  I  seemed  to  bo  a  reading  it  as 
arnest  as  could  be,  all  the  while  a  leaning  sort  of  easy  towards 
him  as  if  I'd  forgot  he  was  there.  He  kept  a  eyeing  it  kinder 
slantindicular,  till  at  last,  sez  he — 

"  That's  purty  writing,  Mr.  Slick — a  lady's,  I  should  think  ?" 

"  Mebby  you've  seen  it  afore,"  sez  I,  a  trying  to  look  careless, 
and  as  if  I'd  read  every  word  on't  a  dozen  times.  "  Euther 
scrumptous  leetle  curlecues  them  are,  don't  you  think  so  ?" 

With  that  I  handed  over  the  pesky  thing  kind  of  nat'ral,  as 
if  I  didn't  really  think  what  I  was  a  doing,  and  he  seemed  to 
read  it  off  as  easy  as  water. 

"  Oh  yes,"  sez  he,  "  this  is  her  own  handwriting ;  a  great  com 
pliment,  Mr.  Slick.  I  know  of  many  a  fine  feller  that  would 
give  his  ears  to  get  sich  a  card  from  '  the  Elssler.' " 

"  Oh,"  sez  I,  u  if  she  has  a  notion  for  ears,  she'd  better  bar 
gain  for  them  Baltimore  chaps  that  we've  heard  on.  She'll  get 
prime  ones  there,  as  long  as  beet  leaves,  but  I'm  afeared  she'll 
find  'em  ruther  scarce  here  in  York ;  the  sile  ain't  rich  enough 
for  'em." 

Here  the  chap  bust  out  a  larfing,  and  haw-hawed  till  it  seemed 
as  if  he'd  go  right  off  the  handle.  He  tried  to  choke  in,  but 
that  only  made  him  top  off  short  with  a  touch  of  the  hooping- 
cough.  Arter  a  while  he  wiped  his  eyes,  and  sez  he — 

"Very  good,  Mr.  Slick!  very  good  indeed!  But  of  course 
you  accept  the  Elssler's  invitation  to  the  theatre  to-night!" 

"To  the  theatre,"  sez  I,  "so  she  goes  off  there,  does  she; 
well,  a  feller  may  see  the  fun  without  bidding,  so  mebby  I'll 
go." 

"  Jest  inquire  for  the  Astor  House  box,  and  it'll  be  all  right," 
sez  the  chap,  and  with  that  he  took  up  tbe  thick  paper,  and, 
sez  he, 

"  How  neatly  they  do  turn  off  these  compliments  in  French, 
don't  they?" 

"In  what?"  sez  I. 

"  In  French,"  sez  he. 

"  Oh !"  sez  I,  and  more  and  more  I  was  anxious  to  find  out 
what  the  French  gal  had  writ  to  me. 


198  HIGir    LIFE    IV    NEW    YORK. 

"  How  beautifully  she's  turned  this  sentence  about  yoa? 
talents,"  soz  he. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  all  of  a  twitter  inside,  but  cool  as  a  encumber 
for  what  he  knew.  "  Yes,  purty  well,  considering,  but  look  a 
here  now,  I'll  bet  a  cookey  you  can't  turn  that  into  fust  rate 
English  as  soon  as  I  can,  and  I'll  give  you  the  fust  chance 
tu." 

The  chap  larfed  agin,  and  sez  he,  "If  you'd  a  said  fust  rate 
Yankee  I  should  a  gin  right  up  tu  once,  but  I  ruther  think  I  can 
cum  up  to  you  in  English." 

"  The  proof  of  the  pudding  is  in  eating  the  bag,"  sez  I. 

"  "Wai,"  sez  he,  "  I  can  but  try  ;"  so  he  looked  at  the  paper, 
and  read  it  off  jest  as  easy  as  git  out. 

"  Miss  Blaster's  compliments  to  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick,  and  hopes 
that  he  will  do  her  the  honor  to  accept  a  seat  in  a  private  box 
at  the  theatre  this  evening,  where  she  performs  in  Nathalie  and 
the  Cachuka."  Then  he  went  on  with  a  grist  of  the  softest 
sodder  that  ever  you  heard  on,  about  my  talents  and  genius,  and 
the  cute  way  I  had  of  writing  about  the  gals,  that  put  me  all  in 
a  twitteration ;  but  he  read  so  fast  that  I  couldn't  ketch  only 
now  and  then  a  word  sartin  enough  to  write  it  down,  and  if 
I  could  it  would  make  me  feel  awful  sheepish  to  think  Judy 
"Wliite  would  ever  see  it,  so  the  least  said,  the  soonest 
mended. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  sort  of  condescending,  when  the  chap  had  got 
through,  "  I  give  up  beat — you've  done  it  as  cute  as  a  razor.  I 
raly  could  a  parsed  the  words  as  you  went  along.  Mebby  you 
might  have  tucked  in  a  few  more  long  words,  but  all  things  con 
sidered,  it  aint  best  to  be  critical,  so  I  guess  I  may  as  well  agree 
to  owe  you  the  cookey."  "Wlih  that  I  went  to  ray  room  agin. 
Your  affectionate  son, 

SLIOK. 


BY  JONATHAN   SLICK.  19? 


LETTER  XX. 

Jonathan  goes  to  the  Express  Office — His  Opinion  of  Zeke  Jones  and 
the  "  Brother  Jonathan"  Newspaper — Explains  his  Absence,  and 
enters  into  a  new  Agreement  with  the  Editors. 

DEAB  PAR  : 

Arter  I'd  made  a  visit  to  Miss  Elssler,  I  went  up  to  my  room, 
as  I  was  a  telling  you,  and  begun  to  think  over  what  we'd  been 
a  talking  about,  and  it  made  me  feel  sort  of  streaked  to  think  she 
took  me  for  one  of  the  Editors  of  the  Express,  when  I  was  eena- 
most  scared  to  death  for  fear  they  wouldn't  print  my  letters  agin, 
arter  I  give  them  the  mitten  so  slick,  and  went  off  to  Weathers- 
field.  I  didn't  suppose  the  critters  ever  knew  what  it  was  to  be 
humsick,  as  I  was  in  this  tarnal  place,  and  was  afeard  they  might 
rise  right  up  agin  having  anything  to  do  with  me.  But  think 
sez  I,  there's  nothing  like  keeping  a  stiff  upper  lip,  and  putting 
on  -airs  of  independence,  and  talking  right  up  to  these  news 
paper  chaps ;  so  I  on  with  my  hat,  and  cut  along  towards  the 
Express  Office,  detarmined  to  du  up  my  chores  in  that  quarter, 
without  chawing  over  the  matter  any  longer. 

Wai,  I  streaked  it  aiong  about  the  quickest,  like  a  string  of 
onions  broke  loose  at  the  leetle  eend.  I  begun  to  feel  awful  anx 
ious  jest  as  I  got  in  sight  of  the  office,  and  the  feeling  made  me 
slack  foot  and  ketch  breath,  I  can  tell  you.  As  I  went  by  the 
corner  in  a  sort  of  a  half  canter,  with  my  hands  in  both  pockets 
— for  I  felt  kinder  ashamed  of  the  streaked  mittens  marm  knit 
for  me  when  my  yaller  gloves  wore  out,  they  didn't  exactly  gibe 
with  my  other  fix  up — the  people  stopped  and  stared  like  all 
possessed. 

ulf  that  aint  Mr.  Slink  I"  soz  one; — "Sure  enough,"  sez 
another,  "so  it  is."  "Didn't  I  tel]  you  he  wasn't  dead,"  sez 
nnot.her. 

With  that  I  shirked  up  a  leetle,  and  sez  I  to  myoelf,  sez  I — 


*ytf  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

"Who  cares  if  the  Editors  of  the  Express  be  mad,  cause  I  cut  stick 
when  they  wanted  to  send  me  off  to  Washington,  when  it  was 
as  hot  as  all  natur,  and  jest  planting  time.  If  my  letters  were 
good  for  any  thing,  they'll  be  glad  on  'etn  agin,  and  if  they  aint, 
•why  I'll  let  'em  see  that  I'm  a  true  born  ginuino  American,  died 
in  the  wool,  and  that  I  can  up  stakes  and  go  hum  agin  in  the  old 
sloop  as  independent  as  a  cork  screw. 

Arter  I'd  hung  about  the  corner  of  the  office  a  leetle  while,  I 
pot  up  pluck,  and  walked  right  straight  ahead  into  the  office.  I 
begun  to  feel  to  hum  the  minit  I  opened  the  door — every  thing 
looked  so  nat'ral.  There  was  the  counter,  jest  like  old  times, 
and  the  pigeon  holes  stuck  full  of  newspapers,  and  a  pile  of  white 
printer's  paper  a  lying  up  in  one  corner,  and  there  sot  the  dark, 
a  rale  ginuine  cute  leetle  Yankee;  he  was  a  writing  on  leetle 
scraps  of  brown  paper,  and  a  looking  as  if  all  creation  would 
stop  if  he  didn't  go  ahead. 

I  jest  give  a  peak  in  for  a  minit  and  streaked  it  up  stairs,  to 
see  if  I  couldn't  find  somebody  there.  I  wish  you  could  have 
seen  how  the  work  hands  stared  and  looked  at  one  another  when 
T  went  in,  but  I  didn't  stop  to  say  nothing  to  nobody,  but  up  I 
went,  through  a  room  chuck  full  and  brimming  over  with  work 
nands,  and  there  in  a  leetle  room,  about  as  big  as  an  undersized 
calf  pen,  sot  the  critter  hisself,  eenamost  buried  up  in  a  pile  of 
newspapers.  It  raly  did  my  heart  good  to  look  at  him,  he'd 
grown  so  chirk  and  hearty,  it  seemed  to  me  as  if  he  must 
a  fat*ed  up  two  inches  on  the  ribs  since  I'd  seen  him. 

"  Gracious  me,"  sez  I  to  myself,  u  I  kinder  wish  I'd  stuck  to 
and  tried  to  tucker  it  out  last  year,  and  mebby  I  should  a  had 
something  to  fat  up  about.  Now  I  wonder  what  he's  a  reading 
that  tickles  him  so." 

Jest  as  I  was  a  thinking  this,  the  Editor  of  the  Express  he 
looked  up,  and  see  me  a  standing  there,  as  if  I'd  been  a  growing 
on  that  identical  ppot  ever  since  last  summer.  Gauly  offilus !  but 
didn't  the  newspapers  fly,  when  he  was  sartin  who  it  was.  I  see 
that  he  was  eenamost  tickled  to  death  to  see  me  agin. 

"  I  ham't  lost  my  chance  hero  yet,"  sez  I  to  myself,  and  so  I 
walked  right  straight  up  to  him,  and  held  out  my  fist,  mitten 
and  ail,  <uid  suz  i — 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  199 

"  How  do  you  do  ?" — jest  so. 

"  Why  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  he,  "  where  did  you  come  from  ?" 

"  Right  straiglit  from  hum,"  sez  I ;  "  but  how  du  you  git  along 
about  these  times — every  thing  going  along  about  straiglit,  I 
o'po.se." 

By  this  time  he  seemed  to  think  that  there  was  something 
that  he  ought  to  git  mad  about.  You'd  a  thought  he'd  swollered 
a  basket  of  cowcumbers  all  of  a  sudden,  he  looked  so  frosty. 

"  Now  for  it,"  sez  I  to  myself. 

"  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  he,  a  looking  as  parpendicular  as  if  he'd  eat 
tenpenny  nails  for  breakfast,  and  topped  off  with  a  young  crow 
bar,  "  Mr.  Slick,  I'm  happy  to  see  you  in  York  agin,  but  what  on 
arth  was  the  reason  that  you  left  us  in  the  lurch  about  them  let 
ters  from  Washington?" 

"Did  you  ever  have  a  touch  of  humsickness?"  sez  I,  a 
straightening  up  and  putting  my  hands  in  my  pockets,  till  the 
tip  eend  of  my  nose  eenamost  come  on  a  level  with  his'n. 

"  I  ruther  think  I  have,"  sez  he,  a  hitching  up  his  shoulders. 

"  And  the  ager,  too  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Don't  mention  it,"  sez  he,  jest  a  shaking  the  leastest  mite  all 
over  with  thinking  about  it. 

"  Awful  sort  of  a  chilly  animal,  that  ager,  ain't  it  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Dreadful,"  sez  he. 

"  Didn't  it  seem  as  if  you'd  have  to  take  up  all  your  bones  for 
salt  and  battery  on  one  another,  afore  they'd  keep  still  ?"  sez  I. 

"  A  most,"  sez  he,  a  larfing. 

""Wai,"  sez  I,  "I  didn't  ketch  the  fever  and  ager." 

"  What  did  you  ketch,  then  ?"  sez  he,  sort  of  impatient. 

"  Oh,  I  felt  kinder  as  if  I  should  git  it  if  I  didn't  go  hum  and 
doctor,"  sez  I. 

"  But  that  wasn't  quite  reason  enough  for  your  goin  off  so," 
sez  he. 

"Wasn't  it?"  sez  I,  "but  that  wasn't  all;  I  got  a  letter  from 
par,  and  he  wrote  that  marm  was  ailing,  and  that  he  was  getting 
down  in  the  mouth,  and  didn't  feel  very  smart  himself,  and  there 
Vasn't  nobody  to  weed  the  onions — only  Judy  White — and  she 
seemed  sort  of  melancholy,  and  so" 

"  Oh,  I  understand,"  sez  he,  a  cutting  me  off  short  in  what  I 


JJOO  H1U11    L1KK    IN    KKW    YORK. 

was  going  to  say.  I  guess  he  took  notice  how  the  blood  biled 
up  in  my  face,  for  he  went  right  to  talking  about  something  el>e 
as  nat'ral  as  could  be. 

So  arter  confabulating  a  spell  about  things  in  general,  the 
Editor  of  the  Express  he  begun  to  poke  around  among  the  news 
papers  agin,  and  to  hitch  around  as  if  he'd  jest  as  lief  I  wasn't 
there.  I  pulled  out  my  mittens,  for  it  was  cold  enough  to  snap 
a  feller's  ears  off,  early  as  it  was.  So  I  put  'em  on  sort  of  delib 
erate,  and  begun  to  smooth  up  the  red  and  blue  fringe  on  the 
top,  jest  as  if  I  wanted  to  go,  and  yet  didn't  feel  in  much  of  a 
hurry. 

"  By-am-by  I  got  up,  and  sez  I,  "  Wai,  good-day — I  s'pose  it's 
about  time  for  me  to  be  a  jogging." 

"  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  he,  a  tumbling  over  the 
newspapers  all  the  time. 

Think  sez  I,  u  If  you  have  any  notion  to  print  my  letters,  it's 
about  time  to  come  up  to  the  scratch  tu  once;"  but  he  kept  on 
a  reading,  and  sez  I,  a  sliding  back'ards  towards  the  door, — 

"  I  shouldn't  be  in  such  a  pucker  to  go,  but  I  want  to  stop  at 
the  office  of  the  Brother  Jonathan  to  see  Zeke  Jones,  from  our 
parts.  He's  a  prime  feller,  Zeke  is ;  one  of  them  sort  of  chaps 
that  make  one  proud  of  human  natur.  "We  used  to  be  as  thick 
as  three  in  a  bed  afore  either  of  us  took  to  literature.  I  haint 
seen  him  since,  but  his  stories  are  the  clear  grain  and  no  chaff, 
gimrine  all  over,  and  enough  to  bring  the  tears  into  a  feller's 
eyes  once  in  a  Avhile,  I  can  tell  you.  The  critter  '11  go  right  off 
the  handle  when  he  sees  me,  he'll  be  so  tickled,"  sez  I,  "  and  I 
haint  no  doubt  but  he  can  get  the  editors  of  that  creation  largo 
paper  to  print  some  of  my  letters  for  me." 

"There,"  think  sez  I,  "if  that  don't  bring  him  up  to  the 
trough,  fodder  or  no  fodder,  I  don't  know  what  will." 

Sure  enough,  I  hadn't  but  jest  got  the  words  out  of  my  mouth, 
when  the  chap  he  spoke  up  like  a  man. 

"Mr.  Slick,"  sez  he,  "don't  think  of  sich  a  thing  as  writing 
for  any  paper  but  the  New  York  Express.  I  can't  bear  the  idee 
of  it  a  minit.  You  raly  can't  think  how  bad  we  felt  for  fear 
you  was  dead  when  we  didn't  git  no  more  letters  from  you  arter 
YOU  went  to  TVeathersfield.  Now  what  do  you  say  to  staying 


BY    JONATHAN    SLiCK.  201 

in  New  York  and  going  ahead  agin  ?  Supposing  you  pull  off 
your  mittens  and  take  hold  now?" 

I  seom'd  to  sort  of  deliberate  a  spell,  for  I  didn't  want  him  to 
think  I  c(  me  to  York  a  purpose  to  stay ;  so  arter  a  while 
*ez  I, — 

t;  Wai,  I'll  think  about  it.  Par  is  a  getting  old,  but  I  guess 
he'd  about  as  lief  do  the  foddering  an  help  marm  about  the 
chores  as  not  fhis  winter,  and  mebby  Captain  Doolittle  will 
l-oard  there  and  help  about  when  he  hives  up  for  the  winter. 
But  I  don't  jest  know  how  to  manage  it.  I  hain't  no  go-to- 
meeting  clothes,  that  are  quite  up  to  the  notch.  The  knees  of 
my  dandy  trousers  bust  out  the  fust  time  I  got  down  to  weed 
onions  in  'em,  and  I  feel  rather  tinsartiri  how  this  new  fix  of  mine 
would  take  the  gals'  eyes  in  Broadway." 

"  Oh  !  don't  stand  on  trifles  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  he,  •'  Editors  never 
do," — and  with  that  he  took  a  squint  at  my  trousers,  as  if  he 
was  mightily  tickled  with  the  fit  of  'em  and  wanted  to  get  a 
pattern.  This  sot  me  in  conceit  of 'em  a  leetle. 

"  A  feller  might  see  that  with  half  an  eye,  any  how,"  sez  I. 
"  But  now  I  come  to  think  of  it,  this  ere  suit  of  go-to-meeting 
clothes  that  I've  got  on  aint  to  be  sneezed  at,  now,  are  they  ? 
Marm  spun  and  made  them  for  me  afore  I  cum  away  from  hum. 
She  cut  'em  by  my  dandy  coat  and  trousers,  and  got  a  purty 
scrumptious  fit.  So  mebby  they'll  be  jest  the  thing.  Every 
body  in  Weathersfield  took  to  cuttin  their  clothes  arter  mine," 
sez  I,  sort  of  bragging, — because,  you  know,  with  some  folks 
it's  best  to  put  the  best  foot  for'ard,  and  pass  for  all  you're 
worth,  and  sometimes  for  a  leetle  more,  tu. 

It's  all  a  mistake  for  a  man  to  think  tu  well  of  himself;  but 
the  experience  I've  had  here  in  York  tells  me,  that  a  man,  to 
make  others  think  well  of  him,  must  make  the  most  of  himself 
and  of  all  his  imperfections.  "  A  good  outside  for  the  world, 
and  a  good  heart  within,"  was  one  of  the  best  lessons  you  lamed 
me,  par,  when  I  left  Weathersfield  for  York.  So  sez  I  to  the 
editor,  standing  as  straight  as  a  broomstick,  and  striking  my 
hand  upon  iny  hat,  and  then  putting  both  in  my  pockets,  to 
appear  sort  of  independent, — 

ulf  you  think  they'll  du,  why  I  don't  care  if  I  hitch  tackle 


202  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YCRK, 

with  you  agin  ;  but  if  the  notion  takes  me  to  cut  stick  for  Wash 
ington  or  Weathers-field  some  of  these  days,  I  ain't  sartin  but 
you'll  find  me  among  the  missing,  but  howsomever,  I'll  give  you 
a  try  at  a  few  letters  ;  but  I've  got  my  hand  out,  I  can  tell  you. 
Stringing  onions  and  writing  letters  on  genteel  society,  ain't  tho 
same  thing  by  no  sort  of  means.  So  now  that's  all  settled,  I'm 
oil'  like  shot  off  a  shovel." 

With  that  I  shook  hands  with  the  Editor  of  the  Express,  and 
made  tracks  for  the  sloop  about  the  tickledest  feller  that  ever  you 
did  see. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SUCK. 


LETTER  XXI. 

Jonathan  Visits  Mr.  Hogg's  Garden  and  gets  a  Bouquet — Puzzled 
about  the  propriety  of  Paying  for  it — Purchases  a  Ribbon  and 
starts  for  the  Theatre. 

DKAK  PAR : 

The  minit  I  got  to  the  sloop  I  took  off  my  coat,  for  I  didn't 
seem  to  hum  enough  in  the  Astor  House  to  write  there.  I  sot 
down  in  the  cabin,  and  stretching  out  my  legs  on  a  butter-tub, 
I  turned  up  my  ristbands  and  wrote  off  the  letter  that  I  sent  you 
t'other  day  on  the  top  of  an  onion  barrel,  without  stopping  once, 
I  was  so  tarnationed  anxious  to  let  you  know  how  I  was  a 
getting  along. 

I  had  to  bite  off  ehort,  for  a  chap  come  aboard  the  sloop  with 
Jfiptin  Doolittle  to  bargain  for  the  cargo  of  cider  and  garden 
earse.  I  was  afeared  that  they  would  want  to  overhaul  my 
writing  desk,  and  so  made  myself  scarce,  and  went  up  to  tho 
Express  with  the  letter  stuck  loose  inside  the  crown  of  my  hat, 
adit  or  fashion. 

I  left  the  hull  letter  with  the  dark,  and  axed  him  where  on 
arth  a  chap  could  git  a  smashing  bunch  of  posies,  if  he  took  * 
wjtion  to  want  sich  a  thing.  He  told  me  to  go  right  straight  up 


BY    JONATHAA    SLICK.  203 

to  Mr.  Hogg's,  clear  up  town  along  the  East  River,  and  said  tbttt 
I'd  better  git  aboard  a  Harlem  car,  and  it  would  carry  me  right 
chock  agin  the  spot  for  a  ninepence. 

u  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  the  expense  aint  nothing  to  kill,  so  I  guess  I'll 
ride." 

With  that,  I  got  into  one  of  them  allfired  awk'ard  things  that 
look  like  a  young  school-house  sot  on  wheels,  and  running  away 
with  the  scollars  stowed  inside ;  and  arter  shelling  out  my  nine- 
pence,  we  sot  out  up  Centre-street,  through  the  Bowery,  and  all 
along  shore,  till  we  stopped  short  nigh  agin  the  Astoria  ferry, 
clear  up  town.  Arter  searching  around  a  little,  I  found  Mr. 
Hogg's  gardin,  and  went  in.  A  great,  tall,  good-natured  looking 
chap  cum  up  to  me  as  I  was  a  peaking  about — a  feller  that  made 
me  feel  hum-sick  in  a  minit,  he  looked  so  much  like  our  folks. 

"How  do  you  du?"  sez  I,  u  I'm  tickled  to  see  you  ;  they  told 
me  that  you  keep  posies  about  these  ere  premises,  but  I  don't  seo 
no  signs  of  'em." 

"  Oh,"  sez  he,  as  good  as  pie,  "  come  this  way,  and  I  guess  we 
can  find  as  many  as  you  want." 

"  Wai,"  that'll  be  a  good  many,  for  I'm  a  hard  critter  on  mary- 
golds  and  holly-hocks,"  sez  I,  "and  I  want  a  smashing  heap  on 
'em." 

With  that,  Mr.  Hogg,  instead  of  taking  me  into  a  garden,  jest 
opened  the  door  of  a  great  long,  low  house,  with  an  alltired  great 
winder  covering  the  hull  roof,  and  sez  he — 

"  Walk  in." 

I  guess  I  did  walk  in,  for  the  house  was  chuck  full  of  the  harn- 
somest  trees  and  bushes  that  I  ever  sot  eyes  on,  all  kivered  over 
with  posies,  and  smelling  so  sweet,  that  a  bed  of  seed  onions, 
jest  as  it  busts  out  in  a  snow-storm  of  white  flowers,  aint  noth 
ing  compared  to  it.  Didn't  I  give  good  long  snuffs  as  I  went  in! 
This  idea,  to  my  notion,  of  posies  amongst  big  trees  and  bushes, 
are  like  wimmen  folks  and  young  ones  in  the  world  of  hu 
man  natur.  If  they  arnt  good  for  something  else  they 
are  plnguey  harnsome  to  look  at,  and  the  world  would  be  awful 
dark  and  scraggy  without  them.  Some  wimmen  may  ba  bad 
enough  and  hateful  as  henbane,  but  consarn  me  if  I  wouldn't 
rather  love  thorn  bushes  than  none  &t  all. 

There  was  one  tree  that  took  my  aye  the  minit  I  went  in;  it 


204  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

hung  chuck  full  of  great  big  oranges,  and  tell  me  I  he  right  out, 
if  there  wasn't  a  swad  of  white  posies  a  busting  out  through 
the  great  green  leeves  in  hull  handfuls,  all  around  ou  the  same 
limbs  where  the  oranges  were  a  growing.  Think  sez  I,  this  raly 
is  a  ginuine  scripture  lesson,  spring  and  fall  a  gitting  in  love 
witli  each  other  and  hugging  together  on  the  same  bush ;  oh, 
gracious!  how  the  parfume  did  pour  out  from  the  middle  of  that 
tree !  I  felt  it  a  steaming  up  my  nose  and  creeping  through  my 
hair,  till  I  begun  to  feel  as  sweet  as  if  I'd  been  ducked  all  over  m 
a  kettle  full  of  bilcd  rose  leaves. 

Mr.  Hogg  he  went  along  among  the  great  high  rows  of  bushes 
sot  in  a  heap,  one  on  top  of  t'other  almost  to  the  glass  ruff,  with 
a  good  sized  jack-knife  in  his  hand,  and  then  he  cut  and  slashed 
among  the  green  leaves  and  red  roses,  and  piled  up  a  bunch  of 
posies  about  the  quickest !  Yet  I  wasn't  satisfied,  he  didnt  seem 
to  pick  out  the  rale  critters,  but  tucked  in  the  leetle  finefied  buds 
jest  as  if  he  couldn't  guess  what  I  wanted  'em  for. 

"Oh,  now  you  git  out,"  sez  I,  when  he  handed  over  a  hull 
Bwad  of  posies  done  up  in  a  grist  of  leaves ;  "  you  don't  mean  to 
put  me  off  with  that  ere !  why,  it  aint  a  flee-bite  to  what  I  want. 
Come  now,  hunt  up  a  few  hollyhocks,  and  marygolds,  and  poppies, 
and  if  you've  got  a  good  smashing  hidaranger,  purple  on  one  side 
and  yaller  on  tother,  tuck  it  in  the  middle." 

Mr.  Hogg  he  stood  a  looking  right  in  my  eyes  with  his  mouth, 
a  little  open,  as  if  he  didn't  know  what  to  make  of  it. 

"  The  season  is  over  for  those  things,"  sez  he,  "  and  I  haint  got 
one  in  the  hot-house." 

"Wai,"  sez  I,  "du  the  best  you  can,  all  things  considering, 
only  tuck  in  the  big  posies  and  enough  on  'em,  for  I'm  going  to 
give  'em  to  a  sneezer  of  a  harnsorne  gal — so  don't  be  too  spar 
ing." 

With  that  M.  Hogg  sarched  out  some  great  red  and  yaller 
posies,  with  some  straaming  long  blue  ones  a  sticking  through 
them,  and  arter  a  while  he  lvanded  over  something  worth  while — 
a  great  smashing  b"cci.  '/,  "osies  as  big  as  a  bell-squash  choked 
in  at  the  neck. 

Artor  I'd  exa£ui*ed  the  c  sarn  to  be  sartiu  that  all  was  ship 
shape,  I  made  Mr.  Hogg  a  ',  v,  and,  sez  I, 

"  I'm  much  obliged  to  yti      -if  ever  you  come  to  Weathers- 


BV   JONATHAN    SLICK.  205 

field  in  the  summer  time,  inarm  will  give  you  jest  as  many  and 
be  tickled  with  the  chance.  She  beats  all  uatur  at  raising  these 
sort  of  tilings." 

He  looked  at  me  sort  of  arnest,  but  yet  he  didrt^t  seem  to  le 
jest  satisfied,  and  after  snapping  his  thumb  across  the  blade  of 
his  jack-knife  a  minit,  he  spoke  out,  but  seemed  kinder  loth. 

"We  generally  sell  our  bokays,"  sez  he,  arter  hamiug  and 
hawing  a  leetle  while. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  mebby  I  shall  want  one  some  of  these  dap, 
and  then  I'll  give  you  a  call — but  any  how  I'm  obliged  to  y  a 
for  the  posies  all  the  same." 

I  wanted  to  offer  him  a  fourpence  for  the  trouble  of  picki  .g 
the  posies,  but  he  looked  so  much  like  a  gentleman  and  a 
"Weathersfield  Deacon,  I  was  scared  for  fear  he'd  think  I  wanted 
to  impose  on  him  if  I  offered  money.  So  I  made  him  another 
bow,  and  went  off,  -while  he  stood  a  looking  arter  me  as  if  I J 
been  stealin  a  sheep.  I  have  wished  since  that  I'd  offered  hi^i 
the  fourpence,  for  he  kinder  seemed  to  calculate  on  something 
like  it.  I  stopped  into  a  store,  and  bought  a  yard  of  wide  yaller 
ribbon,  and  arter  tying  it  round  my  bunch  of  posies  in  a  double 
bow  not,  with  great  long  eends  a  streaming  down,  I  took  th« 
critter  in  my  hand,  and  cut  dirt  for  the  theatre,  for  it  was 
a  gittiug  nigh  on  to  dark. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  Bit  OK. 


206  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 


LETTER  XXII. 

Jonathan  gives  a  Description  of  the  Theatre,  Private  Boxes,  Drop- 
Scene,  &c. — His  Ideas  of  Miss  Elssler's  Dancing,  and  Dancing  Girls 
in  general — Jonathan  mistakes  Williams  in  his  Comic  Song  of 
"  Old  Maids  and  Old  Batchelors  to  Sell,"  for  aa  Auctioneer  who  is 
knocking  off,  "  La  Belle  Fanny,"  to  the  Highest  Bidder — Jonathan 
is  indignant  that  she  is  not  his,  after  so  much  hard  bidding,  by 
winks,  &c. — He  flings  his  Bouquet  at  Fanny's  Feet — Jonatbi&'a 
Visit  Behind  the  Scenes,  and  his  Idea  of  Things  seen  there — Gal 
lants  Fanny  home  to  the  Astor  House. 

DEAR  PAE : 

The  man  who  keeps  the  door  at  the  Park  Theatre  didn't  seem 
*o  know  me  at  fust,  but  the  minit  I  writ  out  my  name  the  hull 
length,  and  handed  it  over,  curlecues  and  all,  and  told  him  I 
wanted  the  Astor  House  box,  he  was  as  perlite  as  a  basket  of 
chips.  He  handed  me  over  to  another  chap,  who  took  me  up 
stairs  and  along  a  dark  entry  way,  till  he  ended  in  a  harnsome 
leetle  pen,  all  curtained  off  with  red  silk,  with  purty  mahogany 
frames  that  slid  UP  and  down  over  a  sort  of  red  pulpit  cushion 
that  run  round  the  front  side. 

The  feller  he  shut  me  up,  and  I  sot  down  on  one  of  the  chairs 
in  the  box,  and  took  a  gineral  survey  of  the  theatre.  From 
where  I  sot,  it  looked  as  if  somebody  had  laid  down  an  allfired 
big  horse-shoe  for  a  pattern,  and  then  built  after  it  one  tier  of 
seats  above  another  till  they  got  tired  of  the  fun,  and  topped  off 
with  a  young  sky  all  covered  over  with  golden  picters  and 
curlecued  work. 

There  was  a  consarned  great  curtain  hung  down  afore  the 
stage,  with  a  sort  of  an  Injun  mound  in  the  middle,  and  a  house 
built  on  top  of  it.  A  lot  of  painted  fellers  hung  about  the  front 
of  the  curtain,  niggers  and  Injuns,  some  a  setting  down  and  some 
a  standing  up,  and  looking  like  human  meat-axes  gone  to  sleep. 
One  feller  that  was  squat  down  with  his  back  leaned  ngin  a  post, 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  207 

had  something  that  looked  like  a  bunch  of  pr '.me  onions  with 
the  tops  on,  stuffed  inter  his  bosom,  and  he  held  a  kind  of  a 
short  handled  frying-pan  in  his  hand  as  if  he  meant  to  cook 
gome  and  have  a  smart  fry,  as  soon  as  he  could  git  tu  a  fire. 

I  hadn't  sot  long  when  the  men  begun  to  stream  into  the 
theatre  like  all  possessed,  with  a  small  sprinkling  of  the  feminine 
gender,  jest  enough  to  take  the  cuss  off  and  no  more. 

In  less  than  no  time  the  house  was  jammed  chuck  full  and 
running  over,  till  I  raly  felt  as  if  it  was  wicked  to  keep  so  much 
room  all  to  myself,  when  the  rest  was  stowed  and  jammed  up 
so  close  that  you  couldn't  a  hung  up  a  flax  seed  edgeways 
between  'em,  but  think  sez  I,  every  one  for  himself — I  know 
when  I'm  well  off,  and  that's  enough.  So  I  leaned  over  the 
cushion,  and  let  one  hand  hang  a  leetle  over  the  edge,  as  inde 
pendent  as  if  the  whole  theatre  was  mine. 

By-am-by  the  curtain  begun  to  roll  up,  and  I'd  like  to  have 
larfed  right  out  to  see  them  painted  .chaps  du  themselves  up  and 
curl  over  the  roller — fust  their  feet  doubled  up,  then  their  legs 
and  hips  and  shoulders — then  the  roller  took  a  slice  off  from  the- 
bottom  of  the  mound,  and  turights,  the  hull  was  twisted  up  into 
a  beam,  and  hitched  to  the  ruff — goodness  gracious  knows  how, 
I  don't! 

Wai,  when  the  curtain  was  all  rolled  up  snug,  there  raly  was 
a  picter  worth  looking  on  behind  it.  There  was  a  great  high 
mormtain  with  rail  fences  cutting  across  it,  and  bridges  and 
trees,  that  made  a  feller  feel  oneasy  to  git  into  the  shade,  and 
oxen  and  cows  and  folks  a  driving  'em*  going  along  the  road, 
that  run  around  slantindicular  to  the  top,  and  there,  jest  at  the 
foot  of  the  hill,  was  a  purty  leetle  house  half  kivered  over  with 
grape  vines  and  morning  glories  that  made  me  think  of  hum  till 
I  could  a  bust  out  crying  as  well  as  not. 

All  to  once  there  was  a  toot  horn  sounded  up  among  the 
rocks,  and  then — oh  creation !  what  a  grist  of  harnsome  gals  cum 
a  danciug  and  larfing  and  hopping  down  the  mountain,  all  with 
curls  a  Hying  and  posies  twisted  among  'em,  and  white  frocks 
on,  and  ribbons  a  streaming  out  every  which  way,  and  sich  feet, 
I  swanny  it  made  me  ketch  my  breath  to  see  'em  a  cutting 
ebout  under  their  white  petticoats. 


208  llOll    LIFE    IN    NEW    VOI'.K. 

When  they  got  down  onto  the  flat  before  tho  house,  the  way 
they  cut  it  down  heel  and  toe,  right  nnd  left,  down  outside  and 
up  the  middle,  was  enough  to  make  the  York  tippes,  the  darned 
lazy  coots,  ashamed  of  themselves.  It  was  Down  East  all  over ! 
— they  put  it  down  about  right,  with  the  ginuine  Yankee  grit. 
I  felt  all  in  a  twitter  to  git  down  and  shake  a  toe  with  them. 
It  would  be  worth  while  to  cut  a  double  shuffle  among  so  many 
harnsome  gals,  with  a  hull  pen  chuck  full  of  fiddles  a  reeling  off 
the  music  for  you.  I'll  be  darned,  Par,  if  I  don't  believe  it  would 
make  the  blood  streak  it  through  your  old  veins  about  the 
quickest,  if  you  be  a  Justice  of  the  Peace  and  a  Deacon  of  the 
Church. 

Arter  a  while  a  feller  cum  up  that  looked  just  like  a  tin  pedler 
out  of  work. — a  sneaking  critter  with  a  face  like  a  jack-knife,  and 
a  white  hat  on  turned  clear  up  on  the  sides  till  the  fio..*  «m 
back  was  pinted  like  a  butter  scoop.     He  begun  stepping  abo 
and  making  motions  with  his  arms,  till  the  gals  cut  up  the  hill 
to  work  agin,  like  a  coop  full  of  chickens  scattered  by  a  hen 
Lawk. 

The  chap  was  a  strutting  about  as  crank  as  a  woodchuck,  when 
in  come  Miss  Elssler  a  hundred  times  handsomer  than  she  was  to 
hum,  wheeling  a  wheel-barrow  with  a  churn  in  it. 

Gauly  oppalns!  but  wasn't  she  a  sneezer!  The  rest  wasn't  no 
more  to  compare  with  her  than  a  dandalion  is  to  a  cabbage  rose. 
On  she  cum  a  teetering  along  as  genteel  as  a  bobalink  in  a  wheat 
lot.  She  had  ">n  a  straw  hat  curled  up  at  t!ie  sides  that  mad« 
her  handsomo  face  look  so  cunning;  besides  this  she  wore  a  sort 
of  a  new  fashioned  jacket  with  short  sleeves,  that  showed  a  pair 
of  the  roundest  fattest  arms  all  sort  of  tapering  off  to  the  hand — 
n  purty  lectio  fmefiecl  hand  as  white  as  curd,  and  that  looked 
eenamost  as  sotY  too.  Wild  the  hr.t  on  and  the  jacket  you  might; 
have  took  her  for  an  allfired  harnsome  boy.  but  there  was  no  mis 
take  about  the  rest.  Mary  Beebo  couldn't  raise  a  bigger  bump 
than  she  had  on.  Arter  all,  the  boys'  and  gals'  clothing  pulled 
about  an  even  yoke  on  her.  She  had  on  a  short  petticoat  that 
showed  a  purty  considerable  chunk  of  understandings,  that  ta 
pered  off  into  a  pair  of  feet,  that  looked  as  if  they  couldn't  ba 
hired  to  keep  still  on  no  account.  Take  her  for  all,  I  can't  but 


3V    JON" ATI! AX    SI.Tf'K.  206 

allow,  that  she  was  a  smasher  in  the  way  of  beauty,  and  her 
manners  were  sartinly  very  genteel. 

The  minit  she  cum  on,  the  folks  in  the  theatre  begun  to  stomp, 
and  yell,  and  kick  up  a  darned  of  a  fuss;  with  that  she  dropped 
her  wheel-barrow  as  if  it  had  been  a  hot  potater,  and  begun  to 
curchy,  ana  smile,  and  put  that  consarned  hand  agin  her  heart, 
till  I  betmn  to  ketch  breath  like  a  pair  of  bellerses. 

It  took  nigh  upon  three  minits  afore  the  consarned  fellers 
would  stop  their  yop ;  but  when  they  did  choke  in  a  leetle,  she 
ketched  up  the  wheel-barrow  and  scooted  up  the  mountain  with 
:'t,  a  teetering  and  sidling  along  like  a  young  colt  when  they  are 
a  breaking  him  to  the  bit. 

The  tin  pedler  chap,  he  poked  on  arter,  and  gin  the  wheel 
barrow  a  boost  once  in  a  while  as  chipper  as  could  be.  It  made 
my  dander  rise  to  see  the  chap  a  hankering  arter  her  so.  If  she 
wanted  to  take  a  shine  to  a  Yankee  why  couldn't  she  a  found  a 
feller  worth  a  looking  at  ?  But  sometimes  it  does  seem  as  if 
these  gals  couldn't  tell  bran  when  the  bag's  open — the  brightest 
on  'em.  I  say  nothing,  but  it  seems  to  me  that  she  might  a  gin 
one  peak  up  to  the  Astor  House  box.  I  guess  it  would  have 
made  that  chap  sing  small  if  she  had. 

Wai,  arter  all,  the  critters  both  came  back  agin.  The  gal  had 
a  red  ribbon  in  her  hand  and  she'd  lost  her  straw  hat  somewhere 
in  the  bushes.  It  raly  did  beat  all  how  she  tanteralized  that  he 
coot  with  the  ribbon ;  fust  she  made  as  if  she'd  give  it  to  him, 
and  jest  as  he  gripped  it,  away  it  slipped  through  his  fingers  and 
she  nourished  it  now  on  one  side  his  head,  and  now  on  t'other, 
as  if  it  had  been  a  streak  of  lightning  she  was  a  playing  with.  It 
tickled  me  eenamost  to  death  to  see  how  darned  sheepish  the 
critter  looked  when  she  sort  of  hovered  about  him  with  the  rib 
bon,  now  a  sticking  that  tarnal  sweet  coaxing  face  into  his'n  so 
pert,  and  then  darnsing  off  as  easy  as  git  out,  with  the  red  ribbon 
a  streaming  from  her  fingers  so  sarsy. 

Oh  gracious !  I'd  a  gin  something  to  have  been  in  that  feller's 
shoes,  I  swan  if  I  wouldn't  a  give  her  a  buss  right  before  'em 
all — I  couldn't  a  help'd  it  if  all  creation  had  been  at  the  door,  and 
I  swan,  Par,  I  believe  you'd  a  up  and  give  her  a  smack  tu  if  you'd 
been  by,  old  as  you  bo  The  sight  of  her  tarnal  sweet  winning 
14 


210  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

•ways  was  enough  to  rile  up  the  blood  in  a  feller's  heart,  if  he  was 
as  old  and  frosty  as  Mathusaler's. 

I  don't  wonder  that  the  fellers  stomped  and  clapped  their 
paws, — I'm  afear'd  I  let  out  a  young  arthquake  myself  in  thut 
way.  I  tried  to  hold  in,  but  it  wasn't  the  leastest  might  of  use. 
That  gal  is  like  a  sky-rocket,  she  busts  right  on  a  feller  and  takes 
away  his  senses  with  the  blaze.  I  settled  right  down  like  a  cab 
bage  sprout  in  a  hot  sun. 

Arter  a  while  the  gals  all  come  down  from  the  mountain  agin, 
and  begun  to  cut  up  their  tantrums;  then  a  harnsome  man  with 
a  cap  and  feathers  on,  and  clothes  all  kivered  with  silver  and 
gold  and  precious  stones,  come  tipping  along  leading  a  great 
strapping  woman  as  tall  as  all  out-doors,  and  dressed  off  in  green 
like  a  bull-frog.  They  went  into  a  leetle  sort  of  a  cubby  house 
with  glass  winders,  and  sot  down  to  see  the  rest  dance. 

Didn't  they  cut  the  dashes  though !  helter  skelter,  hurra  boys ; 
they  went  at  it  like  a  flock  of  sheep  at  salting  time.  By-am-by 
they  all  give  out,  and  my  gal,  Fanny,  she  stood  up  with  tlie  leetle 
Yankee  as  if  she  was  a  going  to  dance  a  jig.  She'd  put  on 
another  petticoat  streaked  yaller  and  blue,  but  insted  of  running 
up  wnd  down,  the  streaks  were  a  foot  wide,  and  run  round  and 
ronnd  like  the  hoops  of  a  barrel.  She'd  lost  her  hat,  and  a  swad 
of  the  shineyest  black  hair  that  ever  I  saw  on  a  gal's  head  was 
kinder  slicked  down  on  the  sides,  and  twistified  up  in  a  knot 
behind  her  harnsorae  shaped  head,  and  then  topped  off  with  a 
bunch  of  red  roses  and  a  pink  ribbon  that  hung  streaming  down 
her  back  about  as  long  as  marm  ties  your  cue,  Par,  when  you  go 
to  meeting. 

Wai,  the  leetle  chap  he  begun  to  dance  fust,  and  I  thought  I 
should  a  haw-hawed  right  out  to  see  him  strain  and  exart  him 
self,  while  she  stood  by  with  her  tarnal  cunning  head  stuck  a 
one  side,  so  tickled,  that  the  tee-hee  fairly  bust  through,  and 
made  her  larf  sort  cf  easy  all  over,  but  he  didn't  seem  to  know 
that  she  was  a  poking  fun  at  him. 

When  the  chap  got  through,  Miss  Elssler  she  jest  sidled  up  as 
softly  as  a  snow  storm — gin  her  foot  a  twirl,  and  took  a  sort  of 
genteel  dive  as  if  she  was  a  going  to  swim  in  the  air.  Oh  dear, 
didn't  she  swim,  too  !  It  was  like  a  bird  on  an  apple  tree  limb 


\ 
BY   JONATHAN    SLICK,  211 

In  spring  tine,  or  a  boy's  kite  a  sailing  and  ducking  to  a  south 
wind.  She  didn't  kick  about,  and  shuffle,  and  all  that,  as  I've 
seen  'em  do ;  nor  did  she  pucker  and  twist  and  sidle  like  the 
darned  lazy  varmints  that  I've  seen  among  the  fashionable  big 
bugs ;  but  she  was  as  chirk  as  a  bird,  as  quick  as  a  grasshopper, 
and  as  soft  as  a  mealy  potatoe  with  the  skin  off. 

By-am-by  she  broke  off  short,  and  spread  out  her  hands,  and 
curchied  to  the  chap  sort  of  sarsy,  as  if  U>  say,  "  Beat  that  if 
you  can." 

Then  the  feller  he  tried  agin,  and  then  she,  turn  about,  till  at 
last  she  let  herself  off  like  a  fire  cracker  on  the  fourth  of  July. 
One  foot  flew  up  into  the  air  like  a  bird's  wing,  and  whiz — off 
she  went  like  a  she  comet  kicked  on  eend.  Then  she  sort  of  let 
her  foot  down  by  degrees,  as  a  hawk  folds  its  wing,  and  sloped  off 
easy,  a  spreading  her  hands  to  the  feller,  and  curchying  so  sarsy, 
as  much  as  to  say, 

"  Try  and  beat  that,  now  du !  all  over  agin  if  you  can." 

The  critter  sneaked  off  as  if  he  couldn't  help  it,  then  the  show 
went  on,  all  of  'em  talking  in  signs  like  deaf  and  dumb  folks. 
But  it  would  take  a  week  of  Sundays  to  tell  you  all.  To  give 
you  the  butt  eend,  she  was  married  to  the  harnsome  chap  that 
run  off  with  her  ;  and  out  she  cum  all  in  white,  with  diamonds 
in  her  hair  and  on  her  neck,  and  her  frock  shone  with  'em  like 
a  snowball  bush  kivered  with  dew  in  the  arly  summer.  Good 
ness  gracious !  wasn't  she  a  beauty  without  paint  or  whitewash, 
and  didn't  she  dance !  The  folks  stomped  and  yelled  like  a  pack 
of  Injuns,  when  the  chap  gave  her  a  grip  round  the  waist,  and 
she  stood  on  one  toe  with  t'other  leg  stuck  out,  and  her  head 
twisted  toward  his  bosom,  a  twittering  like  a  white  swan  that 
would  a  flown  clear  off,  if  the  feller  hadn't  held  on  like  all  natur. 
It  raly  seemed  as  if  you  could  a  seen  the  white  feathers  a  ruffling 
up  she  was  so  eager  to  fly  away. 

Consarn  that  chap — darn  him  to  darnation,  I  say !  It  mado 
me  riley  to  see  him  a  holding  on  her  as  if  there  warn't  nobody  in 
creation  but  himself.  I'll  be  hanged  and  choked  to  death  if  it 
wouldn't  a  done  me  good  to  have  licked  him  on  the  spot.  The 
mean  flnefied  varmint!  It  was  lucky  the  curtain  went  down 


212  HIGH    LIFE   IX    NEW    YORK. 

ca-smash  as  it  did.  It  give  mo  time  to  kinder  think  what  I  wai 
H  doing,  or  he'd  a  ketched  it. 

I'd  eenamost  forgot  about  the  auction,  for  arter  the  Astor 
House  chap  read  the  card,  I  begun  to  think  there  was  some  mis 
take  ;  but  by-am-by  out  come  a  queer  looking  chap,  as  chirk  aa 
a  catydid,  and  he  begun  to  sing  off  a  lot  of  men  and  women  folks 
to  auction. 

Think  sez  I,  goodness  gracious  !  if  any  body  but  me  bids  off 
that  harnsotne  critter,  I  shall  go  off  the  handle ;  I  sartinly  shall. 
He'd  knocked  off  an  old  maid  and  a  widder,  and  an  Irishman, 
and  was  jest  a  crying  up  an  old  bachelor,  when  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  bid  on  her  any  way,  if  I  had  to  sell  the  old  sloop, 
garden  sarse  and  all,  to  toe  the  mark. 

I  knew  the  sloop  and  cargo  wasn't  mine,  but  that  gal  had  got 
into  my  head,  and  I  didn't  seem  to  know  right  from  wrong.  I 
forgot  Judy  White  and  all  the  gals  on  arth  for  the  time  being. 
The  feller  kept  a  singing  out  and  a  knocking  on  'em  off,  but  I 
didn't  hear  nobody  bid,  so  I  s'posed  they  did  it  by  winking. 
They  tell  me  that's  the  fashion  at  the  big  York  vendues.  At 
the  very  tip  eend  of  the  batch,  he  up  and  said  he'd  got  the  best 
one  yet  for  the  young  men  to  bid  on,  a  gal  jest  eighteen,  and 
then  he  run  on  with  a  lot  of  soft  sodder  about  her,  but  I  can't 
write  what  he  said,  I  was  in  such  a  twitteration.  Think  sez  I, 
it's  Fanny  Elssler  as  sure  as  a  gun,  and  I'll  be  darn'd  if  any  of 
them  chaps  out-wink  me,  so  I  got  up  and  bent  for'ard  clear  over 
the  cushion,  and  the  way  I  snapped  my  eyewinkeru  at  the 
auctioneer  was  awful  savage  I  can  tell  you. 

"  No  more  bids,"  sez  he,  a  histing  his  fist,  "  no  more  bids, — 
going  !"  Here  I  winked  like  all  natur.  "  Going."  1  snapped 
my  eyes  till  they  a'most  struck  fire,  and  I  stuck  out  my  fist  to 
arms  length  and  my  breath  seemed  to  stop  short,  I  was  so  dread 
ful  ea^er.  "Gone!"  sez  the  chap,  a  stepping  back  and  a  lifting 
his  hand  as  if  he  didn't  care  if  I  shook  to  death,  and  then  he 
made  a  bow  to  the  folks  in  ginral,  and  sez  he, 

4  Yours  with  one  eye  out." 

I  sallied  back  and  clapped  my  hand  to  my  eye,  for  at  first  I 
thought  inebby  it  was  out,  I'd  winked  so  etarnal  arrest  •  but 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  213 

there  it  was,  safe  and  sound,  and  some  etarnal  wall-eyed  coot 
bad  got  that  harnsomo  critter  away  from  me.  At  first  I  was 
mad  enough  to  bite  a  tenpenny  nail  in  tu  without  chawing  ;  then 
I  began  to  feel  dreadful  wamblecropped,  and  eenamost  boo- 
hooed  out  a  crying.  In  the  eend  I  made  up  my  mind  that  it 
was  a  mean  cheat,  and  that  I'd  have  the  gal  in  spite  of  all  the 
one-eyed  fellers  in  all  creation ;  "  for,"  sez  I,  "  it  aint  the  natur 
of  things  that  a  critter  could  wink  with  one  eye  as  fast  as  I  could 
with  both  winkers  under  full  steam,  so  I  jest  made  up  my  mind 
to  look  out  the  auctioneer,  and  stick  up  for  my  rights. 

There  was  another  play,  but  I  felt  so  down  in  the  mouth  that  I 
up  and  went  right  straight  off  in  sarch  of  that  auctioneer,  but 
nobody  seemed  to  understand  who  I  wanted,  till,  arter  wander 
ing  around  like  a  cat  in  a  strange  garret  ever  so  long,  I  asked  the 
man  at  the  door ;  and  he  said  the  chap  had  gone  hum,  but  that 
he'd  be  there  agin  to-morrow  night. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "I'll  come  and  see  him  agin,  and  he'll  find  out  I 
aint  to  be  imposed  upon  if  I  am  from  the  country." 

"With  that  I  went  back  to  the  Astor  House  box,  jest  in  time  to 
see  Fanny  Elssler,  the  critter  I'd  been  bidding  oft',  out  on  the 
stage  agin. 

There  she  was,  all  dressed  out  in  yaller  silk,  with  heaps  on 
heaps  of  the  black  shiney  lace  a  streaming  over  it,  a  hopping 
about  and  twistifying  round  like  a  love-sick  yaller-hammer  han 
kering  arter  a  mate.  She  had  a  rattle-box  on  each  hand,  arid  she 
gin  a  rattle  at  every  new  twist,  and  sometimes  it  was  rattle,  rattle, 
rattle,  as  swift  as  lightning,  and  then  twist,  twist,  twist;  now  her 
head  eenamost  bumped  agin  the  floor,  and  the  hump  on  her  back 
stuck  up  higher  than  ever;  then  her  arms  went  curlecueing  ovei 
her  head,  and  the  rattle-boxes  gin  out  a  whole  hail-storm  of 
noises,  and  then  she'd  stick  her  arms  out  at  full  length  and  sidle 
off,  dragging  her  feet  along  kind  of  easy,  till  I  raly  didn't  know 
what  she  was  a  doing,  till  I  looked  on  the  piece  of  paper  the  man 
gin  me,  and  saw  that  she  was  a  doing  up  a  Cachuca ;  but  if  it 
wasn't  dancing,  it  sartinly  was  fust  cousin  to  it,  or  I  aint  a  judge 
of  cat-fish.  But  then  who  knows  but  Cachuca  is  French  for 
dnncing?  I  don't!  any  how,  she  sartinly  cachukied  it  off1  like 
nil  natur,  and  no  mistake. 


?14  HICJII    LIFE    IN    NKW    YOHK. 

By-am-by  she  give  her  foot  a  flirt  out  and  her  arms  a  flourish 
tip  wards,  and  off  she  was  a  going  like  a  trout  with  a  nsh-hook  in 
his  mouth  ;  but  the  folks  begun  to  holler  and  yell,  and  take  on 
so,  that  she  had  to  cum  back  whether  or  no. 

>She  cum  back  sort  of  modest,  a  curchying  and  a  smiling,  and 
looking  eo  consarned  harnsome  and  mealy-mouthed,  that  I 
thought  the  men  would  bust  the  ruff  right  off  from  the  theatre, 
tli3y  stomped  and  yelled,  and  made  such  darned  coots  of  them 
selves.  All  to  once,  down  cum  a  hull  baking  of  posies,  all  around 
her,  as  thick  as  hops.  But  there  wasn't  none  of  them  a  priming 
to  the  one  I  had  stuffed,  stem  downwards,  in  the  crown  of  my 
hat. 

I  jt.mped  up,  and  gripped  the  consarn  with  both  hands,  and 
•when  the  rest  had  got  through,  I  drew  back  both  hands  with  a 
;t-rk,  and  it  whizzed  downwards  with  the  yaller  ribbons  a  stream 
ing  out,  right  over  the  row  of  lamps,  and  the  pen  full  of  fiddlers, 
till  it  fell  ca-swash  right  down  to  Miss  Elssler's  feet. 

Gaulyoffilus!  didn't  she  give  a  jump!  and  didn't  the  folks  in 
the  theatre  set  up  another  pow-wow,  that  a'most  lifted  the  ruff 
off  the  theatre!  The  chaps  seemed  to  have  a  notion  what  a 
bunch  of  posies  ought  to  be  when  mine  cum  down  amongst  the 
mean  leetle  bunches  that  they'd  been  a  throwing,  and  sent  them 
a  streaming  every  which  way. 

Miss  Elssler,  arter  the  fust  jump,  looked  tickled  a'most  to  death 
to  sea  such  a  whopper  a  lying  there,  so  tempting  and  sweet;  and 
I  ruther  guess  she  took  a  squint,  and  sent  one  of  her  tarnal  killing 
amiles  towards  a  good  looking  sort  of  a  chap,  about  my  size,  that 
pot  with  a  checkered  vest  on  a  leaning  over  the  Astor  House  box. 
I  say  nothing,  but  Jonathan  Slick  haint  been  to  husking  balls  and 
apple  cuts  ever  since  he  was  knee  high  to  a  toad,  without  know 
ing  the  cut  of  a  gal's  looks  when  she's  taken  a  shine  to  you,  or 
wants  you  to  see  her  hum. 

I  gin  her  a  sort  of  a  knowing  squint  and  a  half  bow,  jest  to  let 
her  see  that  she  needn't  feel  uneasy  for  fear  that  I  shouldn't  toe 
the  mark ;  and  then  I  sot  still,  but  awful  impatient,  till  a  chap 
cut n  in  and  picked  up  a  hull  armful  of  the  posies  Ho  had  to  git 
down  on  one  of  his  marrow  bones  and  boo.«t  hard  at  the  whop 
per  that  I  flung;  and  when  Miss  Elssler  took  'era  all  in  her  arms, 


15VT    JONATHAN    SLICK.  215 

end.  curchied  over  and  over  agin,  thut  bunch  of  mine  lay  riglit 
agin  her  bosom,  and  spread  out  so  us  a'niost  to  kiver  her  harn- 
some  white  neck.  Jest  as  she  was  a  going  off  on  one  side,  she 
gin  another  of  her  tarnal  sweet  squints  up  to  where  I  sot,  and 
then  stuck  that  harnsome  face  of  her'n  down  into  my  posey  so 
tantalizing,  I  swan,  I  couldn't  stand  it  no  longer,  but  up  I  got, 
and  in  less  than  no  time  I  coaxed  the  door-keeper  to  show  me 
the  way  back  of  the  theatre,  where  the  critter  was. 

The  chap  took  me  along  that  entry  way,  up  stairs  by  the 
Astor  House  box,  and  through  a  leetle  narrow  door,  and  there  he 
left  me  on  the  top  of  a  lot  of  stairs  that  looked  as  if  they'd  take 
me  down  into  sumbody's  cellar.  Sich  a  tarnal,  dark,  pokerish  set 
of  things  I  never  did  see,  that's  a  fact.  But  I'd  got  the  steam  up, 
and  there  aint  no  whoa  to  me  at  sich  times, — so  down  I  went, 
Lickle-te-picklety,  head  fust  among  the  paint-pots  and  boards, 
and  slabs,  and  smoky  lamps,  and  arter  wandering  around  like  the 
babes  in  the  woods,  I  earn  ca-smash  right  into  a  room  chuck  full 
of  the  darncing  gals  that  I'd  been  half  in  love  with  all  the 
evening. 

Oh  gracious !  it  made  me  sick  to  think  what  a  tarnal  coot  I'd 
been  a  making  of  myself.  Some  of  the  critters  that  I'd  thought 
BO  darned  harnsome  were  as  old  as  the  hills,  and  as  homely  as  a 
sassafras  root,  close  tu.  The  paint  and  white- wash  was  an  inch 
thick  on  some  of  their  faces,  and  most  on  'em  were  a  cutting  about 
the  room  as  awk'ard  as  a  flock  of  sheep  jest  arter  shearing  time 
— and  these  were  the  light  purty  critters  that  had  a'most  drove 
me  off  the  handle,  they  looked  so  harnsome  and  taking  a  leetle 
way  off.  I  swow,  but  it  a'most  sot  me  agin  all  the  feminine 
gender  to  think  I'd  made  such  a  shote  of  myself  as  to  take  such 
a  shine  to  them  as  I  had. 

The  room  was  chock  full  of  folks.  There  were  old  men  and 
young  ones,  and  all  sorts  of  critters  dressed  off  jest  as  I'd  seen 
'em  in  the  play ;  but  they  didn't  look  no  more  like  the  same  crit 
ters,  close  to  'em,  than  chalk's  like  a  new  milk's  cheese.  That 
clarn'd  leetle  Yankee  chap  was  there,  and  while  I  was  consider 
ing  whether  it  was  best  to  scrape  acquaintance  or  not,  the  identi 
cal  auctioneer  that  had  knocked  off  the  old  maids  and  widdera; 
and  Fanny  Elssler  into  the  bargain,  stood  riglit  agin  me.  I  fe:i 


*Ji  HIOH    UTJi    IN    .VK\V    YORK. 

tny  dander  rise  the  minit  I  sot  eyes  on  him,  so  I  went  up  to  the 
Yankee  chap,  and  sez  I — 

"You  can't  tell  me  who  that  chap  is,  can  you?" 

The  Yankee  looked  round,  and  sez  he— 

"Oh,  yes,  that's  Billy  "Williams,  a  good  hearted  comical  chap  aa 
ever  lived.  Don't  you  know  him  sir?  I  thought  everybody 
knew  Billy  Williams." 

"I  don't  know  jest  yet,  but  I  guess  I  shall  afore  long,"  sez  I, 
a  looking  pitchforks  and  hatchel  teeth  at  the  auctioneer,  and  with 
that  I  walked  right  straight  up  to  him,  with  my  hands  dug  down 
into  my  trousers'  pockets,  as  savage  as  could  be,  and  sez  I — 

"  How  do  you  du  sir  ?  I'll  jest  speak  a  few  words  to  you,  if 
YOU  haint  no  objection." 

"  Sartinly,"  sez  he,  as  easy  as  all  natur,  and  with  that  he  got 
up  and  walked  out  of  the  room,  and  I  arter  him,  till  we  cum  out 
onto  a  sort  of  an  etarnal  big  barn  floor  that  was  shut  out  from 
the  rest  of  the  Theatre,  by  that  whopping  curtain  that  I'd  seen 
the  t'other  side  on  it.  There  was  a  hull  regiment  of  empty  hay 
lofts — or  what  looked  jest  like  'em,  great  naked  rafters  and  posts. 
with  rows  of  smoky  lamps  stuck  on  'em,  and  what  looked  like 
pieces  of  board  fence  daubed  over  with  all  sorts  of  paint,  and  th* 
wind  come  a  whistling  and  croaking  among  them  all,  till  my 
teeth  a'most  begun  to  chatter  in  my  head. 

I  was  so  busy  a  wondering  what  on  arth  those  awfnl  dismal 
premises  could  be  used  for,  that  I  forgot  the  auctioneer,  till  he 
turned  round  as  good  natured  as  a  sucking  pig,  and  asked  what  I 
wanted  of  him. 

"  Look  a  here,"  sez  I,  as  wrothy  as  could  be  for  the  cold,  "  I 
want  the  gal  that  I  bid  off  in  the  Theatre  to-night,  so  you  jest 
hand  over  and  save  trouble,  that's  all." 

The  feller  he  stared  at  me  like  a  stuck  pig,  and  then  he  bust 
right  out  a  larfing  in  my  face  as  if  he  meant  to  make  fun  of  it- 
all,  but  he'd  got  hold  of  the  wrong  chicken  for  that  sort  of  corn, 
and  I  give  him  to  understand  as  much  afore  he'd  done  with  me. 

"Mow,"  sez  I,  " look  a  here.  It  aint  of  no  use  for  you  to  try 
to  bamboozle  me  with  your  haw-hawing.  I  want  the  gal  that 
1  bid  off — I  don't  care  how  ranch  the  charge  is.  I'll  hand  over 
tiirt  chink  the  minit  you'll  go  to  one  of  them  pesky  lawyers  and 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  217 

git  the  deed  drawn  out.  I'm  sartin  that  I  outwinked  every  chap 
in  the  theatre,  and  darn  me  if  I  give  up  to  any  of  era." 

lie  stared  at  fust  like  a  calf  s  head  jest  dressed,  and  then  he 
bust  out  a  larfin,  till  I  was  mad  enough  to  kick  him  on  eend  till  ho 
tlew  up  into  one  of  the  empty  hay  lofts. 

44  Come,"  sez  I,  "  do  you  mean  to  toe  the  mark  or  not?  I'm 
getting  awful  tingley  about  the  fingers  eends,  I  can  tell  you.*' 

44  Now,"  sez  he,  a  sobering  down  a  leetle,  "  did  you  take  me 
for  an  auctioneer,  in  rale  arnest?" 

I  began  to  feel  sort  of  unsartin  what  to  say,  and  instead  of 
speaking  right  out,  I  circumnavigated  a  leetle,  for  a  sort  of  a 
notion  cum  over  me,  that  mebby,  arter  all,  it  wasn't  nothing  but 
make-believe,  and  that  I  was  jest  on  the  point  of  making  a  con- 
sarued  coot  of  myself. 

"'  Wai,  now,  you  did  it  up  as  cute  as  a  razor,  didn't  you?"  sez 
I.  "  It  was  eenamost  enough  to  make  a  feller  think  that  you 
was  in  arnest,  wasn't  it  ?  but  then  I  aint  quite  sich  a  green  horn 
as  some  chaps  that  come  from  the  country,  and  know  what's 
what.  I  haint  seen  anything  that  tickled  me  so  much  as  that — 
that " 

"  Comic  song,"  sez  he. 

41  Oh,"  sez  I,  as  quick  as  wink,  "  you  needn't  take  a  feller  up 
tifore  he's  down.  I  was  jest  a  going  to  say  that  you  raly  are  a 
sneezer  at  saying  over  them  comic  songs,  and  sartinly  you  do 
look  as  nat'ral  as  life.  In  course  I  knew  there  warn't  no  wail- 
eyed  critter  a  bidding,  and  thought  I'd  jest  see  if  you  was  as 
cute  a  looking  critter  close  to.  More  than  that,  I've  got  a  notion 
to  take  a  peak  at  the  fixins  back  of  the  eurtain  close  tu — so 
s'posing  you  and  I  jest  walk  among  them  hills,  and  housen,  and 
trees,  that  looked  so  plaguey  cool  and  shady." 

I  kept  on  a  talking  so  that  he  needn't  see  how  tarnal  sheepish 
I  felt,  arter  making  sich  a  coot  of  myself  as  to  believe  he'd  sold 
Miss  Elssler  in  rale  arnest. 

"Why,"  sez  he,  as  good  natured  as  could  be,  "here  you  are, 
right  in  the  midst  of  all  the  trees  and  hills  and  houses  that  you 
saw  in  front." 

44  Ob,  now,  you  git  out !"  sez  I,  "  I  aiat  green  enough  to  swal- 
ler  that,  any  how." 


918  1IIQII    LIKK    IN    NEW    VOiiK. 

lie  looked  roaud  at  a  pile  of  old  wooden  partitions,  daubed 
over  with  paint,  and  a  standing  edgeways,  and  sort  of  slantiudi- 
cular,  under  the  naked  rafters  and  hay  lofts,  and  sez  he — 

"  I'm  in  arnest  now — this  is  all  the  scenery  that  you  saw  from 
the  front.  You  stand  on  the  stage,  jest  back  of  where  I  sung  my 
comic  song,  and  that  is  the  curtain." 

"What,  that  old  sloop  sail?"  sez  I.  "How  you  du  talk!  I 
sniggers,  but  I  can't  believe  it." 

"Jest  go  to  the  curtain  and  look  through  the  edge  there,"  sez 
he. 

And  with  that  he  went  with  me,  and  pulled  back  the  edge  of 
the  curtain,  and  I  gin  a  sudden  peak  through.  Sure  enough,  the 
theatre  was  right  before  me,  chuck  full  of  folks,  jest  as  I'd  left  it ; 
and  the  pen  full  of  fiddlers,  was  a  streaming  out  the  music  right 
under  my  nose,  till  I  couldn't  hear  myself  think.  When  I  turned 
round  agin,  and  see  how  awful  d;irk  and  chilly  every  thing  looked, 
and  found  myself  wandering  with  Mr.  Williams  among  a  hull 
univarso  of  posts,  and  boards,  and  lamps,  and  painted  cloth,  I  felt 
cliilled  through  and  through,  as  if  I'd  got  ketched  in  a  rain  storm, 
and  had  found  kiver  in  a  saw  mill.  Nothing  but  a  rickety  old 
barn,  or  a  lot  full  of  white  pine  stumps,  could  look  half  so  dismal. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  if  this  is  the  theatre,  I  pity  the  poor  critters 
that's  got  to  get  a  living  in  it,  any  how." 

"  It's  bad  enuf,"  sez  Mr.  Williams,  a  twistifying  up  his  face  sort 
of  comical,  and  yit  looking  as  if  he'd  bust  out  a  crying  if  you 
snid  two  words  more,  "its  bad  enuf,  but  then  we  put  the  best 
side  out." 

"I  should  think  you  did,"  sez  I,  a  looking  round;  but  jest  that 
minit  I  got  a  squint  at  a  gal,  a  streaking  it  through  the  posts  and 
boards,  all  kivered  over  with  a  cloak,  but  there  warn't  no  cheat 
ing  me  in  the  critter.  I  knew  in  the  dark  who  it  was — nobody 
on  arth  but  Miss  Elssler  could  walk  so  teaterish.  My  heart  riz 
in  my  mouth,  and  without  stopping  to  say  goodnight,  I  cut  away 
from  Mr.  Williams  and  pulled  foot  after  her  like  all  possessed. 
She  was  jest  a  going  out  of  a  dark  entryway  that  led  out  doors, 
when  I  ketched  up  with  her. 

"  How  do  you  du,  Mi.ss  Elssler?"  sez  I, all  in  a  twitter  ;  "shall 
I  have  the  pleasure  to  see  you  hum  ?" 


Bi*    JONATHAN    SLICK.  219 

With  that  I  crooked  my  right  elbow  and  looked  right  straight 
down  into  the  darndest  consarned,  harnsomest  pair  of  eyes,  as 
arne«t  as  could  be, for  I  was  awfully  afeard  of  gitting  the  mitten; 
hut  she  looked  up  and  see  who  it  was  a  standing  there,  with  the 
blood  a  biling  up  into  his  face,  and  a  trembling  all  over,  he  was 
so  arnest ;  and  then  she  up  and  give  me  one  of  them  tantalizing 
smiles  of  her'n,  and  sez  she,  as  nat'ral  as  life,  sez  she — 

"Oh,  Mr.  Slick,  I  am  so  pleased  to  see  you  again,"  and  with 
that  she  laid  them  party  white  fingers  of  her'n  on  my  coat  sleeve 
jest  as  if  I  had  been  her  twin  brother.  Gracious  goodness!  how 
the  blood  did  tingle  and  cut  about  up  my  arm,  and  all  around  the 
vicinity  of  my  life  engine,  the  minit  that  etarnal  purtyleetle  hand 
touched  my  arm;  but  when  I  helped  her  down  them  dark  steps, 
and  had  to  put  my  arm  kinder  round  her  waist  to  keep  her  from 
slipping  up,  I  never  did  feel  so  all  overish  in  my  hull  life.  It 
seemed  as  if  I  could  a  danced  on  one  toe  with  her  to  all  eternity, 
aud  never  felt  a  hungry  nor  a  dry.  There  was  a  coach  stood  close 
to  the  steps  right  by  the  back  door  of  the  theatre,  and  a  feller 
stood  by  it  a  holding  the  door  open.  Miss  Elssler  kinder  staggered 
a  trifle  as  I  went  to  help  her  in,  so  I  lent  her  the  leetlest  mite  of 
a  genteel  boost  and  got  in  arter  her,  jest  as  if  I  was  tu  hum.  The 
inside  of  the  carriage  was  chuck  full  of  posies,  and  there  I  sot 
right  in  tho  twiddle  on  'em,  with  that  consarned  harnsome  critter 
a  smiling  ar,u  a  talking  her  soft  sodder  right  in  my  face  till  I  got 
to  the  Astor  House.  Gaully  offilus  !  wasn't  I  as  happy  as  a  bee 
oa  a  red  clover  top  I  You  don't  know  nothing  about  it,  Par. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN   Sl-IOK. 


H1UU    LIFE    IS    SEW    TOUK. 


LETTER  XXIII. 

Jonathan  gets  out  of  love  with  Fanny  Elssler — Doctors  the  Ague  fa 
her  Face  and  Leaves  her — Receives  an  Invitation  from  his  Pussj 
Cousin  to  a  Thanksgiving  Dinner,  with  a  three  cornered  Note  for 
Lord  Morpeth — Jonathan's  Opinion  of  the  Travelling  Lords  and 
Democratic  Hospitality. 

DEA.B  PAB  : 

When  I'd  seen  Miss  Elssler  hum  arter  the  Theatre,  I  couldn't 
shut  my  eyes  all  night  a  thinking  about  her.  She  seems  to  get 
into  a  critter's  head  like  a  glass  of  Cousin  Beebe's  cider,  and 
dances  about  there  till  everything  else  is  kicked  out.  Her  harn- 
some  face  seemed  to  be  a  bending  over  mine  and  smiling  into  my 
eyes  through  the  dark  all  night,  and  if  it  was  to  save  my  life,  I 
couldn't  get  a  wink  of  sleep.  Sometimes  it  seemed  as  if  she  was 
a  whirling  round  and  round  with  one  toe  on  the  bed  post,  a 
spreading  out  her  hands  so  tempting,  and  flymg  about  jest  at  m  j 
feet.  Then  again  it  seemed  to  me  as  if  she  was  a  standing  in  a 
Corner  of  the  room  and  holding  her  finger  up  jest  to  tantalize  me, 
Virfing  in  her  sweet,  cunning  way,  and  a  cutting  up  all  sorts  of 
tantrims,  jest  to  keep  me  awake  all  night.  I  got  up  arly  in  tho 
morning,  but  it  wasn't  of  the  leastest  mite  of  use  my  trying  to  do 
anything  but  think  of  that  consarned  critter;  so  arter  trying  to 
write  a  letter  without  making  out  anything  for  two  hull  hours, 
T  .-licked  up  and  went  down  to  Miss  Elssler's  room  determined  to 
give  up  to  uiice,  and  not  try  any  more,  but  jest  stay  with  her  till 
it  was  time  to  go  to  the  sloop,  and  take  a  cold  cut  as  we'd  agreed 
on. 

I  felt  in  a  tarnation  twitter,  for  all  she'd  asked  me  to  cnra ;  but 
I  knocked  at  the  door  and  walked  straight  in  as  if  I'd  been  tu 
hum.  Miss  Elssler  was  a  half  lying  on  that  settee  that  I  wrote 
to  you  about;  her  head  was  boosted  up  with  pillows  and  cush 
ions  wiih  tos<eb  to  the  arms,  and  them  cons.inied  leetlc  feet  of 
horn  jest  peaked  out  fro:n  under  a  great  red  shawl  that  she'd  fluiig 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  221 

over  'em.  She  ris  up  sort  of  quick  as  I  cum  in,  and  kinder  tried  to 
smile,  but  oh  !  gracious,  how  her  face  looked !  I  cut  right  off  snort 
•with  a  jerk  in  the  bow  I  was  a  making,  and  stared  at  her  with 
all  the  eyes  I'd  got  in  my  head.  She'd  got  the  ager,  and  that 
harnsome  face  of  hern  was  puckered  and  twistified  up  till  it  look 
ed  as  if  she'd  been  fed  on  crab-apples  for  a  whole  month. 

Her  cheeks  were  swelled  a  trifle  and  as  red  as  a  piney,  and  her 
eyes  kinder  sunk  in  till  you  couldn't  but  jest  see  'em  twinkle,  and 
when  she  started  herself  to  larf,  her  mouth  tipped  up  at  one  cor 
ner  and  down  at  t'other,  till  it  cut  across  her  face  slantindic'lar, 
and  made  her  look  all  one  side  every  time  she  squinched  her  face. 
I  swow,  but  it  made  me  feel  wamblecropped  to  see  her ;  I  begun 
to  think  there  wasn't  much  chance  for  a  cold  bit©  aboard  the 
sloop  that  day,  bnt  think  sez  I,  there's  no  harm  in  doctoring  any 
how.  So  I  thought  over  all  the  cures  marm  has  for  the  ager,  and 
arter  calling  a  waifer,  I  told  him  to  bring  up  about  apeck  of  hops 
biling  hot  with  vinegar. 

When  the  chap  cum  back,  I  tied  a  hull  swad  of  'em  in  a  pink 
silk  long  shawl  that  I  found  a  lying  on  a  chair,  and  crossed  them 
over  the  critter's  face,  and  tied  the  shawl  in  a  double  bow  knot 
on  the  top  of  her  head ;  but  the  hops  were  rather  hot  I  reckon, 
and  she  squalled  out  like  all  natur  till  I  took 'em  off,  and  sent  the 
waiter  off  for  a  ginger  plaster  and  a  bag  of  hot  ashes.  Arter 
she'd  tried  them  a  few  minits,  they  seemed  to  mollify  the  ager 
quite  considerable ;  but  as  the  pain  went  off,  her  face  begun  to 
swell  and  puff  up,  like  a  baking  of  bread  wet  up  with  turnpike 
emptins,  and  I  see  that  there  warn't  no  chance  left  of  her  going 
to  Oaptin  Doolittle's  cold  bite,  nor  nowhere  else  for  a  long 
spell. 

By-am -by  that  old  maid,  that  I'd  seen  before,  she  cum  in,  and 
begun  too  look  pitchforks  and  darning-needles  at  me,  as  if  she 
thought  my  room  was  as  gciod  as  my  company,  so  I  up  and  went 
off,  jest  stopping  to  make  a  leetle  chunk  of  a  bow  at  the  door,  to 
let  the  old  maid  see  I  hadn't  forgot  my  manners  if  she  had. 

I  cut  for  my  room,  feeling  a  leetle  streaked  to  think  how  I'd 
been  a  fullering  round  arter  Miss  Elssler.  I'd  been  a  hankering 
arter  that  critter  for  nothing  on  arth  but  her  harnsome  face  and 


222  HIGH  L:FK  IN  NEW  YORK. 

finefied  manners,  when  a  trifle  of  cold  could  transmogrify  it  so 
tarnally.    It  made  me  feel  cheap,  and  I  couldn't  help  it. 

Mann  al'rs  said  that  harb  tea  was  a  cure  all,  but  raly  I  never 
should  a  thought  of  taking  it  to  get  rid  of  a  lovesick  fit,  and  arter 
all  I'm  afeared  that  Miss  Elssler's  face  will  git  cured  up  afore  I 
git  over  the  tantrum  it's  sot  me  into. 

Wai,  when  I'd  got  to  my  room  agin,  there  was  a  letter  on 
the  mantle  shelf,  sealed  with  a  great  whopping  bunch  of  wax,  and 
stomped  down  with  a  round  "  O,"  as  big  as  a  cent,  with  a  roos 
ter  stuck  right  in  the  middle  of  it.  I  broke  the  consarn  open, 
and  found  out  it  was  an  invite  to  Thanksgiving  Dinner  to  Cousin 
Jason  Slick's.  Arter  writing  a  hull  page  of  soft  sodder,  the 
pussy  coot  let  the  cat  out  of  the  bag.  There's  an  English  lord  a 
putting  up  here,  and  he  wanted  me  to  ask  him  up  to  his  house  to 
dinner,  and  said  Lord  Morpeth  would  sartinly  come  if  I  asked 
him,  because  we  were  both  kinder  of  literary  together. 

Now,  if  there's  anything  on  arth  that  I  despise,  it's  a  genuine 
true  born  Yankee  a  hankering  arter  the  big- bug  lords  that  come 
over  here,  on'y  jest  because  they've  got  along  tail  to  their  names. 
For  my  part,  I  haint  no  idee  of  demeaning  myself  in  that  way 
anyhow.  If  a  lord  behaves  himself  like  folks,  he's  as  good  as  a 
Yankee  any  day ;  and  he  ought  to  be  treated  jest  as  well,  and  I 
don't  think  the  most  ginuine  republican  amongst  us  ought  to  be 
ashamed  to  ask  him  to  take  pot  luck  or  a  glass  of  drink,  if  he 
likes  it. 

As  long  as  they  treat  us  according  to  gunter,  when  we  go  to 
see  them  on  t'other  side  of  the  water,  it  is  no  more  than  the  fair 
thing  if  we  take  turn  about,  and  do  the  genteel  by  them  a  trifle. 
We  ought  to  feel  streaked  with  all  our  lands  and  barns  full  of 
grain,  if  we  can't  give  a  foreign  chap  something  to  eat  and  drink 
without  grudging  on  it,  and  then  agin,  without  being  tickled 
to  death  because  they  don't  feel  too  much  pomposity  to  eat  it. 

Jason  had  sent  a  leetle  finefied  letter  inside  of  mine,  doubled 
over  and  twisted  up  at  the  corners  like  an  old  fashioned  cocked 
hat,  and  smelling  as  sweet  as  a  garden  pink  root  in  full  blow.  It 
was  directed  in  leetle  finefied  writing  to  His  Highness  the  Right 
Honorable  Lord  Morpeth — Howard  Member  of  Parliament,  &C., 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  223 

&c.  Think  sez  I,  this  English  chap  needn't  be  consarned  that 
his  kite  wont  sail  high  among  the  Yankees  for  want  of  a  long 
tail  to  it,  if  they  all  tuck  the  etceteras  onto  his  name  so  strong 
as  cousin  Jase  does. 

But  I  hadn't  no  idee  of  being  waiter  to  my  pussy  cousin,  any 
how.  If  Jase  has  a  mind  to  send  his  invite  to  a  lord,  done  up 
like  a  cocked  hat,  let  him  be  his  own  nigger,  or  else  send  it  by  the 
post-office — I  wasn't  a  going  to  do  it  for  him  nor  touch  it.  No 
lord  that  is  any  great  shakes  will  think  the  better  of  an  honest 
Republican  for  acting  as  if  he  was  scared  to  ask  him  to  eat  din 
ner,  or  tickled  to  death  if  he  didn't  feel  tu  much  stuck  up  to  come 
with  plain  Yankee  asking. 

I  made  up  my  mind,  that  if  Lord  Morpeth  took  a  notion  to 
eat  Thanksgiving  with  Jase,  he'd  be  jest  as  likely  to  get  his  paper 
cocked  hat  from  the  Post  Office,  as  anywhere.  So,  as  I  was  a 
going  through  the  Park,  I  took  the  consarn  between  my  thumb 
and  finger,  for  fear  of  siling  it,  and  tucked  it  through  a  slit  in  the 
post  office,  made  a  purpose  for  city  letters ;  and  off  I  went,  a 
tickling  myself  eenamost  to  death,  with  thinking  how  the  post 
office  clarks  would  giggle  and  stare,  and  snuff  up  their  noses  to 
eee  such  a  pinted  critter  directed  to  a  Lord,  and  a  smelling  so 
sweet,  with  a  long  tail  of  names  curled  up  in  all  the  corners, — 
and  Lord  Morpeth,  tu,  wouldn't  he  set  our  Jase  down  for  a 
Bhaller  pated  coot  ?  I've  a  kind  of  a  sneaking  notion  that  it's  as 
like  as  not  he  would,  but  that's  none  of  my  bisness.  In  this  coun 
try,  a  feller  aint  to  blame  for  his  relations,  that's  one  comfort. 
Tour  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SUOK. 


224  HIGH    LIFK    IV     NEW    YOUK. 


\ 

LETTER  XXIV. 

Description  of  Cousin  Jason's  Equipage — Figure  cut  by  Mrs.  Jason 
Slick  and  her  Daughter — Manners  of  a  Noble  Lord — The  Dinner. 
— Jason  boasts  of  his  Birth,  Heraldry,  and  Coat  of  Arms — Jonathan 
creates  great  Consternation  by  proclaiming  the  Head  of  the  Family 
as  a  Shoemaker — Makes  a  Speech. 

DEAE  PAK  : 

Wai,  next  day  was  Thanksgiving,  and  down  coine  another  let 
ter  to  say  that  Lord  Morpetli  was  a  coming,  and  that  Jase  was  a 
going  to  send  down  his  span  fired  new  carriage  to  the  Astor 
House,  arter  Lord  Morpeth  and  I,  afore  dinner  time  ;  and  he  gin 
me  to  understand,  that  if  I  could  keep  the  carriage  a  spell  afore 
the  Astor  House  steps,  where  folks  could  get  a  chance  to  see  the 
new  fixings  and  horses,  there  wouldn't  be  no  harm  done  to 
nobody, — the  darned  mean  pussy  coot !  When  a  feller  tries  to 
make  me  do  a  mean  thing  I'm  awful  ugly,  my  Yankee  grit  is  up 
in  a  jiffy,  and  I'm  jest  like  a  skeery  horse  that  al'rs  backs  up  hill 
when  you  want  to  lead  him  down. 

Afore  this  I'd  been  on  a  cyphering  voyage  through  my  purse 
to  see  if  I  couldn't  afford  to  go  down  to  Lynde  &  Jennings'  and 
bye  a  new  narrow  collar'd  coat  and  some  other  dandy  coiisarns, 
seeing  I  was  a  going  to  dine  witn  a  Lord  ;  but  when  this  letter 
cum  i  uetamimed  to  go  in  the  old  fix  up,  jest  to  let  this  Lord  and 
my  pussy  cousin  see  a  ginuine  Yankee  that  wasn't  ashamed  of 
hisself  in  a  homespun  coat  and  trousers. 

Howsomever  I  gin  myself  a  purty  good  sudsing,  and  shaved  as 
close  as  a  Wall  street  broker ;  besides  I  did  some  extra  fixing  to 
my  collar  and  hair,  and  paired  off  my  finger-nails  harnsomely,  and 
scrubbed  the  yaller  from  off  my  teeth  with  the  corner  of  a  brown 
towel  that  I  found  in  my  saddle-bags ;  for  there  aint  no  reason 
that  I  know  on,  why  a  true  born  American  shouldn't  wash  up 
and  keep  a  clean  face  and  a  stiff  upper  lip,  if  he  does  weed  his 
own  onions  and  wear  a  humspun  coat.  A  chap  may  live  in  a  land 


BT   JONATH.iN    SLICK.  225 

of  Liberty  and  let  these  lords  know  it  tu,  without  swellin  like  a 
toad  to  outshine  the  British,  or  going  slouching  about  as  if  we 
put  a  tax  on  soap  and  water,  jest  as  they  do  on  winder  glass. 

For  my  part,  I  didn't  mean  to  let  Lord  Morpeth  think  that  we 
give  so  much  soft  soap  here  in  York  without  keeping  enough  to 
wash  our  own  faces  on  thanksgiving  day. 

When  I  was  fixed  up  about  tu  the  right  noch,  down  stairs  I 
went,  with  the  eend  of.  my  checkered  silk  neck-hankercher  a 
tucked  under  n.y  streaked  vest,  my  hair  slicked  down  on  both 
sides,  my  face  a  shining  like  a  new  pin,  and  my  boots  blacked  up 
till  they  glistened  like  a  gal's  eye. 

I  tucked  up  my  yaller  silk  hankercher  clear  into  my  coat 
pocket,  for  I  didn't  feel  like  showing  all  out  to  once,  and  I  put  my 
new  mittens  on  sort  a  careless,  and  streaked  the  blue  and  red 
fringe  up  as  I  went  down  the  Aslor  House  steps  through  a 
double  row  of  dandies  that  had  swarmed  out  of  the  stun  hall 
above  to  see  my  pussey  cousin's  carriage  and  horses  that  stood  a 
glistening  jest  afore  the  house. 

There  the  carriage  stood  right  in  Broadway,  about  the  dash- 
ingest  consarn  that  ever  I  sot  eyes  on.  The  wheels  were  a  good 
ways  apart  and  black  as  a  minister's  coat,  and  a  great  harnsome 
box  swung  over  'em,  shut  up  tight,  and  a  glistening  in  the  sun  till 
it  a'niost  blinded  a  feller's  eye-sight  to  look  on  it.  There  was  a 
door  on  each  side  as  big  as  them  in  the  pulpit  of  our  meeting 
house,  with  a  whopping  square  of  glass  in  the  top  and  bottom  all 
figgered  off  with  gold,  and  then  croiichonts,  and  lions,  and 
roosters  all  pictered  out  in  gold  tn,  and  looking  as  nat'ral  as  life, 
for  all  they  were  so  yaller  and  jammed  down  in  a  heap  till  it 
seemed  as  if  the.  lions  would  roar  right  out,  and  the  rooster  give 
a  coo-co-doo-dle-do  if  any  body  went  tu  tuch  them. 

Behind  the  hull  consarn,  was  a  great  wide  flat  stair,  with  two 
pussy  fellers  a  standing  on  it, — each  on  'em  holding  to  a  yaller 
tossel  fixed  tight  to  the  coach  and  dressed  out  like  folks  in  the 
theatre,  with  great  high  boots,  and  topped  off  with  a  wide  rim 
of  white,  wide  white  cuffs  to  their  coats,  and  white  ribbons  and 
beaus  twisted  round  their  hats. 

Eight  in  front  was  a  seat  witli  a  great  square  cushion  on  it, 
*nd  all  hung  off  with  the  finest  kind  of  boughten  cloth  and  piles 
15 


226  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

of  heavy  yaller  fringe,  with  the  golden  lions,  and  cronchants,  and 
roosters  pictered  out  and  a  glistening  among  the  folds,  till  it 
a'most  outshined  the  sun — and  that  was  purty  bright  for  No 
vember. 

A  tall  feller  dressed  out  like  the  chaps  behind,  sot  on  this  heap 
of  giracracks  with  a  great  long  whip  stuck  up  by  his  elbow,  and 
a  holding  in  two  tremendous  harnsome  black  horses  that  stood 
hitched  to  the  carriage,  under  a  hull  net  of  black  shiney  leather, 
golden  buckles,  and  deers'  heads  cut  out  in  chunks  of  gold,  ami 
sot  on  to  the  blinder,  and  saddle-trees,  and  every  place  an  inch 
square  that  they  could  be  poked  in. 

If  there  is  a  critter  on  arth  that  I  take  tu,  it's  a  good  horse, 
and  I  couldn't  help  but  be  proud  of  them  smashing  arnimals  as 
they  shook  their  heads  up  so  sarsy,  as  if  the  sun  hadn't  no  busi 
ness  in  their  great  eyes  that  had  fire  enough  in  'ein  without  its 
help,  and  pawed  on  the  ground  with  their  fore-feet — the  mettle 
some  varmints! — like  a  couple  of  harnsome  women,  chuck  full 
of  music  and  crazy  to  dance  it  off. 

When  the  chaps  saw  me  a  coming  down  the  Astor  House 
steps,  one  of  'em  jumped  down  and  opened  the  door  and  let  out 
a.hull  grist  of  steps  down  to  the  ground,  all  kivered  over  with 
the  brightest  kind  of  carpet,  till  it  looked  as  if  somebody  had 
been  a  flinging  hull  baskets  full  of  posies  all  over  'ern  for  me  to 
stomp  down  with  my  shiney  boots,  if  I  wanted  tu. 

Jest  as  I  was  a  thinking  whether  it  was  best  for  Lord  Morpeth 
to  come  before  I  got  in  myself — for  I  didn't  want  to  du  nothing 
that  wasn't  according  to  gunter,  if  he  was  a  lord — a  feller  como 
down  the  Astor  House  steps  dressed  off  to  the  nines,  with  a  harn 
some  cloak  slung  across  his  shoulder,  and  one  side  of  his  hat 
tipped  up  jest  enough  to  show  a  hull  swad  of  curly  hair  a  frizzling 
round  his  oars. 

lie  had  a  leetle  dab  of  hair  a  curling  jest  under  his  nose,  and 
another  leetle  peaked  consarn  up  in  a  pint  from  his  chin. 

"When  this  clinp  come  down  the  steps,  the  orher  varmint  that 
stood  behind  the  carriage  in  his  white  topped  stumpers  give  a 
dive  to  the  arth,  arid  stood  a  one  side  the  door  which  t'other  one 
held  open.  Think  sez  I,  this  is  Lord  Morpeth  as  sure  as  a  {.run  ; 
so  I  haul'd  back  my  foot  from  the  fust  step,  for  I  was  jV.-t  a  going 


BY    JONATHAN    SUCK.  227 

to  get  in,  and  I  stepped  back  as  the  ch.ip  come  up,  and  arter 
making  him  a  half  bow — for  I  never  give  off  the  extra  touches 
in  a  bow  only  to  the  liarnsome  gal* — sez  I, 

"Walk  in,  Lord  Horpeth,  and  I'll  fuller  arter." 

The  feller  looked  at  me  sort  of  supercillious,  and  I  could  see 
the  dab  of  hair  on  his  lip  curl  the  leastest  mite  scornful  as  if  he 
smelt  something  that  didn't  agree  with  him.  He  didn't  make  a 
bow,  but  stepped  back  as  if  he  didn't  jest  know  what  to  du. 

I  give  my  mitten  a  short  flourish  towards  my  hat,  and  arter 
stepping  back  agin,  sez  I — 

"Arter  you  is  manners  for  me.  Make  yourself  to  hum,  Lord 
iforpeth." 

The  chap  looked  at  me  agin,  and  then  he  went  close  to  the 
feller  that  held  the  door,  and  said  that  Lord  Horpeth  couldn't  go 
jest  yit,  but  that  we'd  better  go  on  and  he'd  come  by-am-by  ; 
and  with  that  he  went  up  the  steps  agin  without  as  much  as 
saying,  git  out,  to  me. 

Gawrie,  but  wasn't  I  wrothy  to  see  that  crowd  of  York  dandies 
see  me  slighted  so  by  a  lord.  There  they  stood  a  puckering  up 
their  faces  like  monkeys  in  a  show,  and  there  I  stood  feeling  as 
mean  as  the  meanest  among  'em ;  but  arter  a  minit  my  dander 
ris  right  up. 

"Darn  the  critter,"  sez  I,  "  a'most  out  loud,  and  a  pulling  my 
mitten,  up  so  wrothy  that  a  whole  swad  of  frieze  gin  away  iu  my 
hand.  Does  the  stuck  up  varmint  feel  above  riding  with  an 
honest  Yankee,  because  he  haint  got  no  title  ?  I'll  be  licked  if 
a  lord  ever  gets  a  speck  of  good  manners  from  me  agin,  consarn 
the  hull  biling  on  'em." 

With  that  I  gin  an  alln'red  jump,  and  settled  down  in  the  car 
riage,  as  savage  as  a  young  arthquake,  and  sot  down  on  one  of 
the  harnsome  cushions  kivered  over  with  silks  and  figgered  off 
with  blue  and  white  roses,  that  kivered  the  two  seats  and  sort 
of  sprangled  up  over  the  sides  and  ruff  of  the  carriage.  A  nar 
row  finefied  border  squirmed  all  around  the  cushions,  around  the 
doors,  and  into  all  the  corners,  and  the  hull  consarn  made  a  chap 
feel  as  if  he  was  shut  up  in  a  band-box,  lined  with  silk  and  with 
a  chunk  of  the  sky,  white  clouds  and  all,  shut  over  him  for  a  lid. 

I  was  so  allfired  wrothy,  that,  without  thinking  on  it,  I  histed 


228  HIGH    LIFE    IN    XEW    YORK. 

my  boots  agin  one  of  the  cushions,  jest  as  it's  nat'ral  tu,  -when  a 
feller's  so  mad  he  can't  help  it,  and  left  a  purty  considerable 
smooch  of  blacking  amongst  the  blue  and  white  posies,  that  sot 
them  off  ruther  more  than  cousin  Jase  would  like,  I  calculate. 

Them  carriages  do  cut  dirt  so  soft  and  easy  like  a  streak  of 
greased  lightning,  that  there  is  no  knowing  how  fast  a  feller  gets 
along.  It  didn't  seem  more  than  a  half  a  jiffy  when  we  drew  up 
co-wallop  right  afore  Jase's  house.  Down  got  the  two  varmints 
in  white  topped  stompers,  open  went  the  door,  and  out  I  jumped. 

I  didn't  have  to  ring  at  the  silver  knob,  but  the  door  swung 
open  of  itself,  or  seemed  tu,  and  in  I  poked,  as  independent  as  a 
clam  in  high  water,  but  not  afore  I'd  ketched  a  squint  at  that 
shaller  little  Jemima,  a  peaking  out  from  behind  the  winder  cur 
tains  to  see  who  was  coming  with  me. 

A  chap  took  my  hat  and  things  in  the  entry  way,  and  asked 
me  what  ray  name  was,  sort  of  low,  as  if  it  was  something  I 
ought  to  be  ashamed  of;  and  the  minnit  I  told  him,  he  went  to 
the  door  of  the  keeping-room  and  bawled  out, 

"  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick." 

I  went  in  and  there  sot  our  Jase,  in  a  great  armed  chair,  as 
red  and  pussy  as  a  turkey-gobbler,  jest  afore  Christmas.  He  got 
up  and  come  for'ard,  but  looked  nation  wamblecropped  when  he 
see  that  there  wasn't  nobody  with  me.  That  wife  of  his'n  cum 
up  with  her  fat  hands  stuck  out,  and  asked  how  I  was,  and  why 
Lord  Morpeth  didn't  cum,  and  Jemima,  she  stood  a  giggling 
worse  than  ever,  and  a  tossing  them  ynller  curls  of  her'n  about 
on  her  shoulders  and  cousined  me  off  to  kill. 

I  told  Jase  how  Lord  Morpeth  had  sarved  me,  but  he  didn't 
seem  to  mind  that,  arter  he  found  out  that  he  was  a  coming  by-am- 
by,  so  we  sot  down.  I  took  a  sort  of  a  survey  of  the  premises. 
Now  if  there  is  anything  that  makes  me  mad,  it's  to  oee  a  chap 
a  selling  off  his  harnsome  things  when  they  git  a  little  siled  or 
eut  of  fashion.  I  couldn't  no  more  sell  a  cheer  or  a  table  thut 
any  of  my  friends  had  eat  off  from,  or  sot  on,  thai  I  would 
strike  my  granny.  Jest  think  how  you'd  feel  to  see  grand  p.-ir 
Sack's  arm'd  chair  sold  at  Vandue,  or  the  chest  o'  drawers  that 
marm  kept  her  "leetle  things"  in  when  I  was  a  baby  bought  in 
by  the  noighbors.  It  makes  me  feel  wamblecropped  only  jest  U> 


BT   JONATIIAS    SLICK.  229 

think  of  it,  and  yet  there  wasn't  a  single  thing  in  the  two  great 
rooms  that  I  went  into  at  Cousin  Jase's,  that  had  a  place  where 
it  was  the  last  time  I  was  there.  Everything  looked  spick-span 
new,  and  I  haint  no  doubt  that  the  hull  house  had  been 
transmogrified  and  titivated  up  jest  cause  a  Lord  was  coining 
to  eat  dinner  there.  The  carpets  were  a'inost  all  red,  with  a 
vine  of  pink  and  yaller  a  running  crinkle-crankle  all  over  'em  an 
it'  somebody  had  been  a  scattering  a  hat  full  of  butter-cups  and 
meadow  pinks  all  over  it,  the  whole  consarn  giving  under  your 
feet  like  a  flat  meadow  lot  thick  with  a  fall  arter  growth. 

Great  smashing  looking-glasses  were  set  into  the  wall  from 
top  to  bottom  between  the  winders,  and  a  hull  dry-goods  store 
of  red  silk  curtains  sot  off  with  yaller  bordering,  fell  in  great 
heavy  winrows  from  over  a  couple  of  long  spikes,  feathered  off 
at  the  eend,  and  a  glistening  with  gold,  kivered  both  ends  of  the 
room  all  but  the  looking-glasses  and  winders.  A  Avhopping 
great  picter  of  Jase  a  setting  in  his  easy  chair,  and  reading  a 
book,  kivered  with  velvet  and  gold,  was  hung  over  one  mantle- 
tree  shelf,  and  over  t'other  sot  his  wife,  all  feathers  and  flowers, 
and  silks  and  satins,  with  her  red  pussy  face  a  shining  among 
the  whole,  and  all  pen'd  up  in  a  gold  frame,  as  wide  as  a  slab, 
and  a  glist'ning  like  all  natur. 

Cousin  Jase  had  gone  into  the  fine  arts  to  kill,  arter  he  got 
hopes  of  a  Lord.  There  was  Jemima's  shaller  head  cut  out 
in  marble,  a  kind  of  half  swarry,  with  stun  curls  a  hanging  like 
icicles  down  her  back,  and  a  stun  post  to  stand  on,  a  rolling  up 
its  eyes  to  a  corner  of  the  room  ;  and  there  were  two  funny  sort 
of  women,  with  wings  that  looked  as  if  they'd  been  made  of  gold 
at  fust,  and  then  touched  off  with  a  thin  coat  of  blacking,  that 
made  a  sort  of  amalgamation  critters,  black  and  gold,  stood  each 
side  of  the  looking-glasses,  a  holding  back  the  silk  curtains  that 
would  have  fell  ca-swash  over  the  whole  eend  of  the  room  if  it 
hadn't  beenfor  them;  thenouton  the  carpet  w  as  tables  made  out  of 
black  shiny  stuff,  and  the  whole  round  tops  kivered  over  with 
picters  that  seemed  as  if  they  were  polished  down  clear  into  the 
black  wood,  and  all  around  was  benches  and  foot-stools  of  the 
same  black  wood,  sprigged  off  with  gold,  and  cushioned  off  with 
red  silk,  besides  the  settees  that  had  high  backs  and  high  arms 


130  HIGH    LIKK    1*    NKW    YORK. 

at  one  eend,  but  curlecued  down  at  the  back,  tapered  off  to  a 
square  bench  on  t'other,  and  sot  out  like  the  stools  with  thick 
red  cushions. 

Right  over  the  pictered  tables  -was  a  sort  of  a  golden  tree, 
chained  to  the  ruff,  and  kivered  over  and  over  with  chunks  of 
glass,  that  shone  like  tears  in  a  gal's  eye,  when  she  gits  the 
grit  up. 

Besides  all  these,  was  tu  great  round  silk  cushions,  as  thick  as 
mother's  cheese  tub,  a  sitting  right  squat  on  the  carpet,  and 
tabled  off  to  kill,  with  a  mess  of  other  things  that  I  hadn't  a 
chance  to  look  at  afore  the  door  was  pushed  open  by  the  help 
that  stood  in  the  hall ;  and  there  stood  a  tall  man,  with  a  blue 
coat  on,  and  gilt  buttons,  each  on  'em  pictered  off  like  our  ten 
cent  pieces,  on'y  instead  of  the  Eagle,  there  was  a  Lion,  and 
some  kind  of  a  one-horned  animal,  a  pawing  up  hill  arter  a  sort 
•  of  a  cap  with  pints  to  it. 

Afore  I  saw  these  pictered  buttons,  I  kinder  thought  the  chap 
must  be  Lord  Morpeth  himself,  for  he  come  in  sort  of  softly,  and 
yit  independent,  like  a  feller  that  felt  himself  to  hum  any  where, 
but  yit  didn't  want  to  walk  over  other  folks,  as  them  big  bug 
foreigners  al'rs  du ;  but  on  a  second  peak  I  see  that  it  wasn't 
the  chap  that  I  had  seen  at  the  Astor  House,  and  beside  that  he 
was  shaved  clean,  and  hadn't  a  speck  of  hair,  only  on  his  head 
and  eye-brows,  and  that  was  a  little  mite  gray ;  so,  think  sez  I 
to  myself,  that  other  chap  was  the  Lord,  and  this  is  his  waiter, 
cum  to  tell  Jase  that  the  big  bug  has  gin  up  cumin.  For  no 
Lord  that  can  git  dye  stuff  or  buy  a  wig,  would  ever  come  A 
visiting  with  gray  hairs  in  his  head.  You  wouldn't  ketch  one 
of  our  York  tippies  at  that,  let  alone  a  ginuine  Lord. 

I  never  saw  Jase  so  wrothy  as  he  was  when  he  ketched  sight 
of  the  feller,  for  he  got  a  peak  at  the  buttons  the  fust  thing,  and 
sez  he, — 

"  By  gracious  1  if  his  lordship  haint  sent  word  to  say  he  can't 
come!" 

With  that  he  went  to  the  door,  and  sez  he  to  the  man,  sez 
he,- 

"Wai,  Sir,  did  you  oring  a  note  forme,  or  what?" 

And  then  he  strutted  right  in  the  door-way,  as  pussy  and  porn- 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  201 

pous  as  a  prize  pig  jest  afore  killing  time,  and  there  stood  the  tall 
chap,  jest  afore  him,  a  looking  right  into  his  red  face,  with  a  pair 
of  eyes  as  black  and  keen  as  a  weazle's,  yit  sort  of  easy  and  good 
natured,  as  if  he  couldn't  think  what  the  matter  was.  He  took 
off  his  hat  sort  of  easy,  and  kinder  bent  his  head  a  leetle,  and  sez 
he, — 

"Is  it  Mr.  Slick?" 

He  spoke  so  soft  and  humbl*  that  it  seemed  to  mollify  Jase;  he 
stepped  for'ard  and  waved  his  hand  about  as  big  as  cuffy,  and  sez 
he,  as  condescending  as  could  be,  sez  he, — 

"  Put  on  your  hat,  my  good  fellow,  I've  been  a  poor  man  myself. 
What  word  did  his  lordship  send?  don't  be  afeard  to  speak!" 

The  chap  looked  at  Jase,  and  I  could  see  his  mouth  pucker  up 
the  leastest  mite  in  the  world,  and  his  eyes  begun  to  twinkle  as 
if  he'd  choked  back  a  smile  from  his  lips  that  was  detarmined  to 
break  through  somewhere.  He  bowed  his  head  a  little,  and  then 
he  handed  over  a  piece  of  square  pasteboard  jest  like  that  Miss 
Elssler  gave  to  me. 

Didn't  my  pussy  cousin  look  as  if  he'd  fell  through  a  thin  place 
in  the  ice !  He  wilted  right  down,  and  looked  as  sneaking  as  a 
a  tnrkey  gobbler  ketch'd  out  in  a  rainy  storm ;  but  when  he  see 
that  Lord  Morpeth  didn't  seem  to  know  that  he'd  mistook  him 
for  a  waiter,  he  walked  into  the  room  a  spreading  his  hands 
aiid  a  sending  out  a  storm  of  excuses,  and  welcomes,  and  friend 
ships,  like  a  junk  bottle  of  cider  letting  off  steam. 

Lord  Morpeth,  he  walked  along  into  th^  room  jest  as  if  he'd 
been  to  hum,  and  then  Jase  he  spread  himself  agin,  and  made  him 
acquainted  with  his  wife. 

Lord  Morpetli  made  a  little  slow  bow,  and  Mrs.  Jase  Slick  she 
gin  he  r  turban  a  toss,  spread  out  the  skirts  of  her  velvet  frock  that 
^ras  jest  the  color  of  a  wild  cherry,  and  then,  after  sticking  out 
her  fat  foot,  she  began  to  fold  up  her  jints,  till  she  threatened  to 
settle  down  on  the  carpet  all  in  a  heap,  before  she'd  a  let  out  all 
her  kinks  agin.  Jemima  she  come  tip  and  begun  to  flourish  out 
her  foot,  and  show  her  cuds,  and  her  teeth,  and  twitter  about, 
while  Lord  Morpeth  was  a  bowing  to  her.  I  swow,  it  made  me 
grit  my  teeth  to  see  what  tarnal  coots  the  whole  consarn  were  a 
making  of  themselves!  Then  cum  my  turn.  I  stood  a  leaning 


-'-.">2  HIOU    L1FK    IN    NKW    YOKK. 

agin  the  mantle-shelf,  detarniined  to  show  this  Lord  that  all  the 
Slicks  on  arth  warn't  darned  etarnal  chucklelicads  if  some  of 
them  was.  I'd  a  seen  him  in  Guinea  and  further  yet,  afore  he'd 
u  got  one  speck  of  a  bow  more  than  he  give  me. 

Well,  Lord  Morpeth,  he  bowed  his  head  rather  sparing  of  hw 
neck,  and  I  stood  right  straight  up,  and  gin  him  as  good  as  he  sent, 
and  no  more  on  it,  by  hokey ;  yet  there  was  something  about  thU 
critter  that  took  ray  notion  amazingly ;  ho  didn't  seem  stuck  up 
a  bit,  nor  yet  as  if  he  wanted  to  poke  fun  at  us,  but  pot  down  on 
one  of  the  curlecued  settee-,  and  begun  to  talk  about  the  weathei, 
and  tilings  in  general,  jest  like  our  folks.  Miss  Slick,  she  sot 
down  by  him,  and  purty  soon  let  him  into  the  state  of  tilings 
here  in  York.  She  went  into  a  n't  of  the  dreadful  suz,  to  think 
Lord  Morpeth  didn't  ride  up  in  the  carriage — it  was  a  dreadful 
thing  to  walk  in  the  streets  among  the  common  people — her 
daughter  Jemima  had  once  brushed  the  skirt  of  her  tunic  agin  a 
mechanic,  as  she  went  down  Broadway,  and  they  felt  it  their 
bounden  duty  to  keep  her  from  walking  ever  since, — Jemima  was 
so  delicate,  so  very  literary,  so — here  Jemima,  who  sot  on  a  bench 
close  by  the  settee,  turned  up  them  eyes  of  her'n  and  gin  a  sigh 
that  made  the  pucker  come  to  Lord  Morpeth's  mouth  agin,  and 
when  Miss  Slick  got  up  and  handed  over  some  varses  that  she 
said  Jemima  had  writ  the  minitshe  heard  that  Lord  Morpeth  had 
come  to  this  country,  the  tickle  burst  into  his  eyes,  and  he  went 
to  the  winder  with  the  paper  in  his  hand,  jest  as  if  he  wanted  to 
read  it  over  agin.  Miss  Slick  she  stretched  tip  and  looked  at  Jase, 
and  Jemima,  and  me,  and  nodded  her  head,  as  much  as  to  say — 
"That's  clenched  the  business.  If  Lord  Morpeth  don't  take 
a  shine  to  my  darter  arter  reading  that,  I  want  to  know,  that's 
nil  I" 

Jase  he  twirled  his  great  gold  watch  key,  and  peaked  at  Lord 
Morpeth  from  tinder  his  eye-brows,  and  Jemima,  she  struck  her 
head  a  one  side  and  tried  to  look  as  if  she  couldn't  help  it,  till 
Lord  Morpeth  he  come  back  agin  from  the  winder,  a  looking  as 
meek  as  a  gray  cat  with  a  dab  of  cream  on  her  whiskers,  jest  as 
if  lie  hadn't  been  tickling  himself  to  death  behind  the  curtains 
there ;  and  I,  con>arn  me,  if  I  didu't  feel  as  mean  as  a  frozen  pota- 
ter,  to  think  my  name  was  Slick. 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  233 

Slick  she  spread  herself  out  on  the  settee  agin  beside  Lord 
Morpeth,  and  give  him  another  dose  of  soft  sodder,  till  I  ralyfelt 
sorry  for  the  poor  critter.  She  held  up  her  two  chunked  hands, 
and  rolled  up  her  eyes  like  all  natur,  when  lie  told  her  which  sido 

f  Broadway  he  come  up;  but  Lord  Morpeth  said  the  west  sido 
»va»  the  most  crowded,  and  so  he  took  t'other. 

"On'y  jest  to  think,  Jemima,"  sez  Miss  Slick,  "Lord  Morpeth 
ooine  up  on  the  east  side  of  Broadway,  dear  me!" 

Jemima  she  lifted  up  her  head,  and  looked  a  whole  biling  of 
lasses  candy  at  Lord  Morpeth,  and  said  she  shouldn't  wonder  if  re 
would  be  all  the  fashion  to  walk  that  side  after  that. 

Lord  Morpeth  bowed  agin,  and  looked  as  meek  as  new  milk, 
and  kinder  acted  as  if  he'd  jest  as  lives  talk  about  something 
else,  but  my  pussy  cousin  stuck  to  him  like  a  dog  to  a  briar. 

u  Xow  my  Lord,"  sez  she,  a  laying  her  hand  on  to  his'n, 
rings  and  all,  "  now,  arter  reading  my  darter's  poetry,  jest  give 
me  your  opinion ;  we  shouldn't  think  of  ever  letting  her  print 
anything,  on'y  we've  heard  that  it's  getting  to  be  the  fashion  for 
English  Lords  and  ladies  to  be  sort  of  literary,  and  Jemima  is 
so  full  of  poetry  and  writes  so  sweet  and  soft— don't  you  think 
so,  my  Lord  ?" 

"Very  soft,"  says  Lord  Morpeth,  as  sober  as  a  deacon,  but  yet 
giving  a  sort  of  a  sly  b.juint  at  Jemima,  where  she  sot  a  pucker 
ing  up  her  mouth  and  halt'  simtting  her  eyes,  and  a  shaking  for'- 
ard  her  yaller  curls,  till  they  eenamost  touched  her  lap,  and  a 
trying  to  look  like  a  love-sick  robin  c  n  an  apple-tree  limb. 

"  Oh,  you  can't  form  no  idee,  you  can't,  indeed,"  sez  Mks 
Slick,  "  without  you  hear  Jemima  read  them  herself,  but  she's  M> 
modest,  so  sensitive — but  mebby  she'll  be  persuaded  by  your 
lordship." 

Lord  Morpeth  giro  another  squint  at  the  stuck  up  little  varmint, 
and  sed,  "  he  was  afeared  to  urge  the  young  lady  agin  her  feel 
ings." 

"  Oh,  but  she'll  do  it  to  oblige  you,  I'm  sartin  she  will,"  sez 
Miss  Slick  agin;  "  and  here's  our  literary  cousin,  he  will  persuade 
her,  I  am  sure;"  and  with  that  she  cum  across  the  room  and  put 
her  hand  on  my  coat  sleeve,  and  sez  she,  "  Now  do,  cousin." 

"  Oh,  you  go  to  grass,"  sez  I ;  "If  Jemima  there  is  a  mind  to 


234  HKill    l.IKK    IV     XKW    YORK. 

make  a  coot  of  herself,  she  can  do  it  without  my  boosting  het 
along."  Lord  Morpeth  kinder  give  a  start,  and  looked  at  me 
like  all  natur,  but  yet  he  didn't  look  mad. 

"  Why,  Cousin  Slick !"  sez  my  pussey  she  cousin,  a  dropping 
her  hand  as  if  it  had  gripped  a  hot  potatoe. 
"Oh  dear!"  sez  Jemima. 

Jase  he  let  his  watch-key  drop,  and  turned  as  red  as  a  tomato 
"  What  on  arth  do  you  mean  by  that,  Mr.  Jonathan  Slick  ?"  se7 
he. 

"  Wai,  I  reckon  I  mean  just  what  I  say,"  sez  I,  a  dropping  my 
hands  into  my  trousers  pockets ;  and  a  crossing  one  boot  over 
t'other,  as  I  leaned  sort  of  slantindicular,  with  my  shoulder  agin 
the  mantle-tree.  "  If  there's  anything  on  arth  that  makes  a 
man  sick  of  all  the  feminine  gender,  it's  the  etarnal  hankering 
which  some  on  'em  get  to  show  off  and  trot  themselves  out  afore 
the  men  folks,  jest  to  show  that  their  stockings  have  been  in  a 
dye-tub,  and  that  what  they  are  lacking  in  brains,  is  made  up  by 
impudence.  I  wouldn't  marry  a  gal  that  could  get  up  afore  a 
stranger,  before  a  hull  room  full  on  'em,  and  shake  her  curls 
about,  roll  up  her  eyes  like  a  pious  hen,  and  squinch  her  face  over 
a  lot  of  poetry,  whether  it's  her's  or  anybody  else's.  I  swow,  I 
wouldn't  marry  her  if  her  heart  was  a  solid  lump  of  gold,  and 
every  hair  of  her  head  strung  with  diamonds.  That's  my  opinion, 
and  Cousin  Jemima  is  welcome  to  it  such  as  it  is." 

I  wish  you  could  a  seen  Jase  and  his  wimmen  folks  when  I 
burst  out  with  that  speech.  Didn't  they  turn  red  and  white  iu 
streaks?  I  ruther  guess  so!  And  Lord  Morpeth!  I  never  seed 
a  teller's  face  brighten  up  as  his  did.  Jase  put  his  arm  through 
mine,  and  asked  me  to  slip  into  the  hall  a  minit. 

"  Look  a  here,  cousin,  this  is  ruther  too  bad,"  sez  Jase,  een- 
amost  crying;  "you  ought  to  make  apology  to  his  lordship  for 
speaking  so  afore  him — wliat'll  he  think  of  American  manners?'1 

"  What'll  he  think,"  sez  I,  "  darn  me  if  I  care  what  he  thinks; 
if  he's  a  ginuine  nobleman — one  that's  got  good  English  common 
sense — he  wont  think  the  better  of  us  for  trying  to  make  believe 
we're  a  notch  above  what  we  raly  be,  and  he'll  like  iny  human 
natur  better  than  your  soft  sodder  by  a  jug  full.  If  he  expects 
the  hull  nation  of  America  to  pucker  and  twist  itself  out  of  all 


BY   JONATHAN    SUCK.  235 

nat'ral  shape  jest  to  gibe  with  his  notions,  he  ought  to  be  disap 
pointed  and  that's  the  long  and  the  short  of  it ;  and  if  he  believes 
that  we  want  to  see  our  wimmen  folks  to  be  spitting  out  poetry 
and  varses  afore  strangers,  or  that  the  ginuine  wimmen  of  Ame 
rica  want  to  du  sich  things,  he'd  better  stay  to  hum  and  read  Mrs. 
Trollope's  books.  Now,  jest  hold  your  gab,  Jase,"  sez  I,  as  he 
was  a  going  to  speak  again,  "  I'm  in  the  right  on't — if  we  want 
to  give  these  English  Lords  a  true  idea  of  us,  act  out  human 
natur,  and  give  me  a  warm,  honest  welcome,  but  less  soft  soap." 

As  I'd  spoke  out,  jest  so,  the  bell  rung,  and  a  hull  grist  of  big 
bugs  got  out  of  some  carriages  at  the  door  and  come  in.  There 
was  three  or  four  harnsome  wimmen  and  gals  dressed  off  in  silks 
and  satins,  with  the  dresses  all  fringed  off  round  the  bottom  and 
a  hugging  tight  up  to  them  white  necks  as  close  as  the  skin  to  an 
eel,  and  a  showing  off  the  wide  shoulders  and  leetle  tapering 
waists  about  the  best  of  any  dresses  I  ever  sot  eyes  on.  The 
men  folks  had  on  span  white  gloves,  and  looked  as  if  they'd  jest 
come  out  of  a  band-box.  While  Jase  was  a  blustering  about  from 
one  to  t'other,  I  jest  cut  stick  for  the  other  room,  detarmined 
not  to  have  any  more  jaw  with  the  critter  if  I  could  help  it. 
Miss  Slick  and  Jemima,  looked  sour  enough  to  turn  new  milk ; 
but  Lord  Morpeth  he  cum  right  up  to  me  and  begun  to  talk  as  if 
I'd  been  his  twin  brother.  He  asked  me  about  every  thing  on 
avth,  and  more  too ;  all  about  the  way  we  raise  onions  and  gar 
den  sarce,  how  much  hay  our  "Weathersfield  meadows  give  to  an 
acre,  and  all  about  our  district  schools,  meeting  houses,  and  the 
old  blue  laws  of  Connecticut.  "When  I  told  him  that  a  man  was 
fined  five  dollars  for  bussing  his  wife  on  the  sabberday  arter  he'd 
been  away  to  sea  four  years,  Lord  Morpeth  lie  larfed  right  out  as 
nat'ral  as  could  be.  Then  I  took  turn  about  and  asked  him  a  few 
pozers  about  Old  England,  and  he  answered  right  up  like  a  man 
that  understood  things,  for  all  he  was  a  Lord.  I  raly  took  a  shine 
to  the  critter,  though  I'd  made  up  my  mind  agin  it,  tooth  and 
nail,  and  while  he  was  a  talking  I  took  a  good  squint  at  his  head 
and  face. 

He  aint  so  over  harnsome,  not  quite  so  good  looking  as  a 
partin  chap  I  could  tell  you  on  if  I  wasn't  so  mealy-mouthed,  but 
then  he's  got  an  allfired  big  head,  high  up  over  the  ears,  and  one 


230  HIOJI    lit'Z    IX    NliW    VOXX. 

that  looks  chuck  full  of  brains  as  an  egg  is  full  of  meat.  His 
eyes  aint  great  black  starers  like  some  folk's,  but  as  bright  as 
diamonds,  and  as  sharp  as  a  hull  paper  of  cambrick  needles,  and 
they  know  how  to  look  right  straight  through  a  feller  without 
flinching  the  first  glance. 

Party  soon,  the  gals  and  them  chaps  I'd  seen  in  the  hall  cum 
a  pouring  in,  and  then  there  was  no  more  talk  with  Lord  Mor- 
peth;  he  had  to  be  led  around  like  a  race-horse  by  Miss  Slick 
and  Jemima,  and  I  cum  in  for  my  share  of  the  fun,  for  arter  he 
and  I  got  so  thick  together,  they  begun  to  think  what  I'd  said  was 
according  to  guuter,  and  sot  it  all  down  for  eccentricity  of  genius 
instead  of  ginuine  common  sense;  howsoraever,  I  did  not  care  so 
long  as  all  was  ship-shape  agin  with  'em,  for  I  hate  to  get  a 
woman  a  pouting  with  me,  for  if  I'm  ever  so  right  it  makes  me 
feel  kinder  ugly. 

THE    DINNER    SCENE. 

WE  hadn't  but  just  got  settled  down  when  the  great  wide  look 
ing-glass  that  I've  told  you  of,  seemed  to  slide  back  of  the  cur 
tains  to  the  lower  eend  of  the  room,  and  by  gaul y !  there  was 
another  room  further  on,  with  a  table  sot  in  it  all  kivered  over 
with  silver  plates,  and  soup  dishes,  and  Chiny  ware,  with  one  of 
them  trees  of  gold  and  glass  all  lighted  up,  and  swung  to  the 
wall,  a  glittering,  and  flashing,  and  pouring  down  the  shine  over 
the  heap  of  silver  things,  till  it  made  a  feller  ketch  his  breath 
on'y  jest  to  peak  in. 

Lord  Morpeth  he  gin  his  arm  to  my  pussy  she  cousin — Jase  gin 
his  to  a  harnsome  gal  that  stood  close  to  him,  and  I  crooked 
my  elbow  up  to  Jemima,  for  I  kinder  wanted  to  make  up  for 
•what  I'd  sed  about  her  reading — poor  critter!  she  aint  to  blame 
if  she  is  a  little  shaller.  The  rest  on  'em  followed  on  two  and 
two,  and  arter  a  little  we  all  sot  down  round  the  table  with  six 
great  strapping  fellers,  with  blue  and  white  regimentals  on,  and 
gloves  on  nil  their  twelve  hands,  a  standing  up  behind  our  chairs. 
I  can't  give  you  no  idea  of  what  we  had  to  eat,  for  they  called 
every  thing  by  some  daru'd  jaw-breaker  of  a  name,  and  kept  a 
carrying  things  ou  and  off  and  giving  a  feller  clean  plates  all  of 


I!T   JONATHAN    SLICK.  237 

solid  silver,  till  it  a'most  made  me  dizzy  with  seeing  them  a  flash 
ing  about  so  in  the  critters'  hands.  They  had  all  sorts  of  mince 
meat  with  hard  names  tucked  to  it,  and  fish  kivered  with  gravy, 
and  butter,  and  every  thing  else,  and  sich  a  darn'd  heap  of  things 
that  I  can't  begin  to  tell  you  all.  I  tried  to  take  a  bite  of  every 
thing,  but  it  wasn't  of  no  use — I  was  purty  well  filled  up  afore 
the  puddings,  and  pies,  and  custards  cum  on,  and  arter  they  were 
carried  off  I  thought  we'd  all  made  a  purty  good  Thanksgiving 
dinner,  considering  it  wasn't  to  hum,  and  I  can't  tell  when  I'vs 
felt  so  big  and  pussy ;  but  jest  as  I  was  thinking  we'd  got  about 
through,  the  fellers  went  to  work  and  swept  the  hull  table  clean 
as  could  be,  and  by-am-by  on  they  cum  agin  with  silver  baskets 
full  of  grapes,  and  oranges,  and  prunes,  with  a  grist  of  fust  rate 
apples,  and  hull  bunches  of  raisins  that  made  a  feller  feel  wrothy 
because  he'd  eat  enough,  they  looked  so  tempting  a  hanging  over 
the  sides  of  them  silver  baskets,  and  a  looking  so  meller  in  the 
light  that  curn  a  shining  down  from  the  consarn  overhead. 

When  the  wimmen  folks  had  jest  eat  a  few  grapes,  and  mebby 
a  chunk  of  orange  or  so,  Miss  Slick  she  got  up  and  off  they  went 
into  t'other  room,  but  yet  a  looking  back  sort  of  longing,  jest  as 
Eve  did  when  the  angels  made  her  quit  the  garden  of  Eden, 
poor  critter ! 

The  minit  the  wimmen  folks  had  made  themselves  scarce  tho 
servants  begun  to  cut  about  like  all  possessed,  and  a  hull  regi 
ment  of  decanters  and  cider  bottles  with  sheet-lead  caps  to  'em, 
nmrched  onto  the  table,  and  arter  them  cum  another  regiment  of 
glasses,  some  of  'em  round  and  bulky  with  short  stems  and 
kinder  dark  green,  some  white  as  ice,  and  then  agin  some  that 
was  short  and  slender,  cut  on  in  squares,  and  red  as  a  gal's  lip, 
besides  the  long  necked  cider  glasses  that  stood  poking  up  among 
the  rest,  like  a  Down  East  gineral,  and  his  officers  ready  to  lead 
on  the  red  and  green  militia  agin  the  hull  squad  of  bottles  and 
decanters,  till  one  side  gin  up  beat.  The  help  gin  the  first  shot,  for 
each  on  'em  took  a  bottle,  and  pop,  pop,  pop,  went  the  corks — 
then  the  red,  and  green,  and  white  glasses  marched  up,  and  cum 
off  chuck  full  and  a  brimming  over  with  plunder.  As  for  me,  I 
sent  up  a  long  necked  feller  and  took  a  swig  at  the  cider,  and  Lord 
Morpeth  he  went  dead  into  the  green  glasses,  but  they  put  me 


238  HIGH    LIFE    IN    Nfc'.V    1GRK. 

in  mind  of  an  old  maid's  goggles,  and  I  couldn't  take  a  notion  to 
'em  till  arter  I'd  drunk  two  hull  glasses  of  the  cider,  and  then  I 
didn't  seein  to  care  what  I  drank  out  on.  By'-am-by  some  one 
called  out  and  wanted  a  toast.  I  never  heard  of  topping  off  a 
Thanksgiving  dinner  with  toast  afore,  but  it  made  me  think  of 
hum,  and  so  I  thought  I'd  have  one  tu. 

"Look  a  here,"  sez  I  to  the  chap  that  stood  back  of  my  chair, 
"  you  may  make  me  a  toast  tu,  but  none  of  your  dry  stuff  now, 
but  make  it  as  marm  used  to,  you  remember  Jase,"  sez  I,  "  half 
a  pint  of  hot  milk  with  a  chunk  of  butter  about  as  big  as  a  piece 
of  chalk  melted  in,  and  then  the  hull  soaked  up  with  slices  of 
toasted  bread — hum  made  is  best — one  slice  laid  on  top  of  t'other. 
Now  you  git  out,  and  make  some  right  off,"  sez  I  to  the  chap, 
sez  I. 

"  Look  a  here,  Jonce,  what  are  you  about  ?"  sez  Jase,  a  poking 
his  elbow  sort  of  sly  into  my  ribs.  "  It  aint  that  we  mean,  we're 
a  going  to  drink  a  toast." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  u  I  haiut  no  artlily  objection,  but  if  the  feller 
makes  it  according  to  rule  it'll  be  ruther  tough  to  swaller  without 
some  chawing." 

"  I  tell  you,"  sez  Jase  agin,  u  we  are  a  going  to  drink  a  toast 
to  Lord  Morpeth  in  wine." 

"  Wai,"  sez  I  agin,  "  I  haint  no  objection,  if  Lord  Morpeth  likes 
toast  and  wine,  it's  his  idee  of  what's  good,  and  I  can't  help  it ;  but 
as  for  me,  hand  over  a  bowl  of  ginuine  toast  and  cider  with  the 
bread  crumbled  in,  Weathersfield  fashion,  rusher  hot,  and  sweet 
ened  well  with  lasses,  that's  my  notion.  Lord  a  massey,  tiow 
inarm  does  mix  them  critters  up,  it's  enough  to  make  a  feller's 
nose  tingle  to  think  on  it,  aint  it,  cousin  Jase." 

It  warn't  of  no  use  a  speaking  to  him,  there  he  stood  a  strut 
ting  over  back  with  a  glass  in  his  hand  and  a  singing  out,  4t  Our 
noble  guest,  Lord  Morpeth,"  like  all  possessed.  Every  critter  at 
the  table,  excepting  Lord  Morpeth  and  I,  jumped  up  with  glasses 
in  our  hands,  and  begun  to  drink  like  a  patch  of  seed  onions  after 
a  six  weeks'  dry  spell ;  but  Lord  Morpeth  and  I  sot  still  and 
looked  as  if  we  didn't  know  what  possessed  the  critters;  but  the 
minit  they  sot  down  up  he  jumped  like  a  house  a  fire,  and  the 
way  he  cracked  jokes  and  said  smart  things,  made  the  fire  fly 


BT   JONATHAN    SLICK.  239 

from  every  body's  eyes  round  the  table.  I  swanny,  if  he  didn't 
take  me  a'most  off  the  handle  with  his  consarned  sweet  voice  and 
harnsome  manners.  It  raly  was  eenamost  as  good  as  a  play,  to 
hear  him  reel  out  the  common  sense  and  soft  sodder  about  this 
land  of  liberty  and  old  England.  When  he  sot  down,  it  was  as 
much  as  I  could  du  to  keep  from  going  right  up  and  giving  him 
a  hug,  if  he  was  a  lord.  Arter  this  we  mixed  in  the  talk  alto 
gether,  like  lemon,  and  sugar,  and  brandy  in  a  punch  bowl,  as 
sociable  as  so  many  chickens  in  a  coop,  till  by-am-by,  Jase  he 
begun  to  swell  up  and  talk  to  Lord  Morpeth  about  the  Slicks,  and 
the  crouchants,  and  lions,  that  belonged  to  the  family  coat  of 
arms  as  he  called  it ;  he  gin  us  all  to  understand  that  the  Slick's 
warn't  a  family  to  be  sneezed  at  by  any  of  the  English  Lords,  and 
gin  out  some  purty  broad  hints  about  a  barron-night,  and  a  lord, 
that  gin  a  start  to  the  name  ever  so  long  back  in  England  ;  then 
the  consarned  shote  branched  out  into  a  sarmon  about  ancient 
birth,  and  pure  blood,  a  running  from  one  generation  to  another, 
without  being  siled  by  anything  low  since  the  Slick's  cum  to  this 
country,  jest  arter  the  Pilgrims,  and  a  hull  lot  of  the  darndest 
stuff  that  ever  a  transmogrified  hand-cartman  thought  on.  I'd 
topped  off  my  cider  with  two  or  three  glasses  of  hock,  the  feller 
called  it,  and  it  made  me  feel  dreadful  smart,  and  I  felt  jest  like 
tackling  Jase  in  his  own  camp. 

"  Look  a  here,  cousin  Jase,"  sez  I,  "  what  on  arth  do  yon  want 
to  make  out  that  we  Slick's  are  anything  but  jest  what  we  be, 
for  aint  it  a  darned  sight  more  to  our  credit,  Yankees  as  we  are, 
and  Republicans  as  we  ought  to  be,  to  own  it  at  once, "that  we 
had  to  hoe  our  own  row  up,  and  found  it  a  purty  tough  one  ?" 
Now  you  know  well  enough,  for  all  your  crouchongs,  and  lions, 
and  roosters, — that  you've  picked  up,  lord-a-massey  knows  where 
—that  you  begun  life,  or  any  how  begun  to  save  up  chink,  fust 
by  a  horse  cart  on  Peck  Slip,  and  that  wife  of  your'n  went  out  a 
nussing  other  folk's  children  till  arter  you  married  her,  and  that 
aint  no  disgrace  to  her  nor  you  neither,  so  long  as  you  don't  try 
to  make  out  that  you're  something  more  than  you  raly  be.  It  is 
too  bad  you're  trying  to  make  out  that  you're  a  English  big  bug, 
when  you  can  prove  yourself  as  good  a  nobleman  as  ever  lived, 
by  going  back  to  our  grand-par,  the  brave  old  shoemaker,  that 


240  HIGH    LIFE    IX    KKWYORK. 

•wung  his  lap-stone  over  his  shoulder  when  the  Revolution  broke 
out,  and  jined  the  patriots  when  their  struggle  was  dark  as  the 
grave.  The  old  man  never  gave  way  once,  but  fought  like  a  lion 
when  fighting  was  to  be  done.  He  clung  to  his  companions  in 
good  and  bad  luck,  and  though  he  fought,  and  marched,  and  suf 
fered  with  the  toughest  of  'em,  never  once  gin  out  or  got  dis 
couraged,  but  arter  a  long  day's  march  would  unsling  his  lap-stone, 
take  out  his  rusty  tools,  and  hammer  and  stitch  away  half  the 
night  long,  to  make  up  shoes  for  his  tired  and  sore  footed  feller 
soldiers,  whenever  he  could  find  a  scrap  of  sole  leather  or  a  piece 
of  cow  skin  to  make  up!" 

I  was  a  going  on,  but  Lord  Morpeth  he  got  up,  and  sez  he, 
"  Let  us  drink  to  the  memory  of  Mr.  Slick's  ancestor,  the  '  brave 
Slioemaker.' " 

Jase  looked  sort  of  ugly  about  what  I'd  said — but  I  couldn't 
help  that,  and  when  Lord  Morpeth  jined  in,  the  hull  biling  on  us 
got  up,  and  another  squad  of  wine  glasses  was  put  into  action. 
When  the  rest  had  sot  down,  I  felt  as  if  I  couldn't  break  off  so, 
but  I  thought  it, wouldn't  do  no  harm  to  give  'em  a  short  speci 
men  of  Weathersfied  chin  music,  seeing  as  there  was  a  lord  to 
hear  me. 

"  Now,"  sez  I,  "  it's  of  no  use  denying  that  we  Yankees  do 
think  a  good  deal  of  noble  birth  and  pure  blood,  and  all  of  them 
ere  things  that  the  English  have  boosted  up  their  throne  with  so 
many  hundred  years ;  for  my  part,  I  du  feel  a  kind  of  love  and 
reverence  for  a  family  of  any  kind,  whose  blood  has  run  pure 
from  one  generation  to  another,  through  brave  men  and  good 
women,  till  it  beats  full  of  warm  ginerous  human  natur  in  the 
heart  of  a  true  nobleman,  whether  he  has  a  title  or  not.  It  gives 
a  man  something  to  be  proud  of,  something  to  guard  and  keep 
himself  good  and  honorable  for.  A  man  must  be  mean  as  pus- 
ley,  and  meaner  yet,  who  could  do  a  small  action  while  he  knew 
that  his  blood  had  been  kept,  pure  as  spring  water,  by  a  hull  line 
of  guod  men,  all  a  sleeping  in  their  graves." 

"  But,  arter  all,"  sez  I,  u  what  is  the  nobility  of  Old  England 
more  than  that  which  we  Yankees  have  a  right  to  ?" 

"  Was  William  the  Conqueror,  that  they  brag  so  much  about, 
any  thing  to  be  comp^ired  to  our  Washington  ?  Was  his  con- 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  241 

quest  of  Old  England,  half  so  great,  or  so  tough  a  job  as  the 
tussle  we  had  to  get  New  England  into  our  own  native  land  ?  Now, 
the  whole  truth  is,  blood  is  like  wine,  the  older  it  is,  the 
stronger  and  clearer  it  grows.  If  it  warn't  for  that,  we  Yankees, 
that  had  forefathers  in  the  Revolutionary  war,  have  as  good  a 
right  to  brag  about  our  pure  blood,  as  the  greatest  and  oldest 
line  of  proud  England."  Here  I  stopped  jest  long  enough  to 
make  a  bow  to  Lord  Morpeth,  and  on  I  went  agin.  "  I  say," 
sez  I,  a  stretching  out  my  arm,  "there  aint  a  true  born 
American  on  arth,  if  he  owns  the  truth,  that  haiiit  English  grit 
and  pride  enough  about  him  to  feel  a  kind  of  respect  for  an 
English  nobleman,  if  he  behaves  himself  like  folks :  but  if  he 
don't,"  sez  I,  "  we've  got  a  right  to  dispise  him  more  than  we  do 
one  another  when  we  act  mean;  for  he  not  only  disgraces 
hisself,  but  all  the  forefathers  that  he  ought  to  be  proud  on,  and 
a  man  that  can  do  that  must  be  mean  as  git  out  and  meaner  tu, 
a  darned  sight.  Now,"  sez  I,  a  looking  at  Lord  Morpeth,  "  we 
Yankees  and  the  English  are  purty  much  alike,  for  all.  If 
they've  got  their  lords,  and  dukes,  and  princes,  haiiit  we  no 
military  captins,  and  generals,  and  deacons,  and  squires, — rather 
small  potatoes  compared  to  the  English,  but  yet  it  shows  a  sort 
of  native  notion  we've  got  arter  sich  things,  and  don't  du  no  sort 
of  harm  one  way  nor  t'other.  Now,"  sez  I,  "in a  few  hundred 
years  from  this,  we  Americans,  shall  have  a  sort  of  republican 
nobility  of  our  own.  I  aint  sartin  about  the  titles,  but  by-arn- 
by,  when  the  '  tea  party,'  and  the  battle  of  Bunker  Hill  lies  clear 
back  in  our  history,  as  William  the  Conqueror's  does  among  the 
British,  Cousin  Jase  there,  wouldn't  have  to  make  up  a  story 
about  his  British  ancestors;  for  the  pure  blood  of  this  ere 
country  will  be  that  which  goes  right  back  to  the  Revolutionary 
Avar.  All  Yankee  noblemen  will  have  to  sarch  for  their  titles  on 
the  pension  list  of  this  ere  very  generation ;  and  the  old  man 
that  now  draws  his  twenty  dollars  a  month,  will  be  the  founder 
of  a  line,  jest  as  noble  as  any  that  ever  sprung  up  in  the  heart  of 
old  England !  That's  my  ginuine  opinion.  Now,"  sez  I,  "  if 
we  Slicks  wanted  to  make  out  that  we  are  any  great  shakes,  it 
aint  no  very  hard  job  to  du  it.  It  aint  by  no  means  sartin  that 
we,  any  on  us,  ever  had  any  forefathers  afore  the  old  Shoemaker, 
16 


242  HIGH    LIFE    IS    NEW    YORK. 

that  we've  jest  been  a  telling  on ;  but  he  was  a  hull  team  and 
horse  to  boot.  When  the  ammunition  gin  out  at  Bunker  Hill,  he 
flung  away  his  gun,  and  went  to  storming  a  hull  regiment,  tooth 
and  nail,  on  his  own  hook,  till  in  the  eend  he  was  shot  down 
dead  with  a  piece  of  the  old  lap  stun  in  his  hand,  that  he 
gripped  like  an  Injun  arter  his  teeth  was  sot,  and  his  fingers 
stiff  and  stun  cold.  Old  England,  I  must  own,  has  got  a  grist 
of  noble  families  and  great  men,  that  are  an  honor  and  etarnal 
glory  to  it,  but  the  blood  that  biled  up  in  that  old  man's  heart, 
was  as  red,  as  brave,  yes,  and  as  noble  tu,  as  ever  poured  itself 
out  on  the  sile  of  old  England,  in  the  time  of  William,  or  any 
other  Conqueror ;  and  if  I  ever  set  up  for  a  big  bug,  and  put 
picters  on  my  carriage  door,  I  kinder  think  that  I  shan't  be 
much  ashamed  to  have  Jonathan  Slick's  coat  of  arms,  a  '  hand 
gripped  hard  on  a  lap-stun;'  for  consarn  me,  if  we,  any  on  us, 
ever  get  to  be  much,  it  will  be  through  the  old  Shoemaker,  and 
I  aint  ashamed  to  own  it." 

With  that  I  took  another  swig  at  the  hock,  and  was  a  going 
on  agin,  but  all  tu  once  my  head  began  to  whirl  round  like  a 
top.  The  table  began  to  spread  itself  into  half  a  dozen,  and  it 
seemed  as  if  the  glass  consarn  over  head  had  got  a  hull  family 
of  leetle  ones  around  it,  dancing  jigs  and  pouring  out  the  shino 
all  over  the  room — and  then  the  wine  bottles,  and  the  decanters, 
and  the  grapes,  and  apples,  and  raisins,  seemed  to  get  onsteady, 
and  more  on  'em  kept  a  starting  up.  Then  the  waiters  in  regi 
mentals  grew  taller  and  taller,  and  I'm  consarned  if  Lord 
Morpeth  hadn't  half  a  dozen  chaps  a  looking  like  so  many  twin 
brothers  a  dodging  up  and  down  all  around  him,  awful  onsteady 
though,  for  Lords.  Then,  arter  all,  the  floor  begun  to  rise  and 
pitch  up  and  down  till  I  was  obliged  to  give  up,  and  so  I  sot 
down,  and  held  onto  my  chair  with  both  hands,  and  called  Out 
*  Whoa '  like  a  house  afire,  for  it  seemed  as  if  everything  was  a 
getting  upsot ;  and  between  you  and  I  and  the  post,  Par,  my 
ginuine  opinion  is,  that  all  the  chaps  in  the  room  had  got  about 
half  seas  over,  except  me.  I  was  as  steddy  as  a  judge,  and  sot 
up  parpendicular  and  independent,  jest  as  a  true  born  Republican 
ought  tu,  detarmined  to  set  that  English  Lord  and  the  rest  on 
'em  a  good  example.  It  wasn't  no  wonder,  though,  that  they 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  243 

got  a  leetle  how-come-you-so,  for  they  all  drank  wine,  but  I 
only  took  that  sparkling  white  cider  and  hock,  for  I  was  detar- 
mined  not  to  make  a  shote  of  myself.  Yet  it  made  me  feel  so 
bad  to  see  how  they  went  on,  that  I  got  a'most  sick  thinking 
about  it. 

Arter  a  while  we  all  went  back  into  the  keeping-room,  and 
there  the  wimmen  folks  sot  on  them  red  benches,  all  in  pimlico 
order,  drinking  coffee  out  of  some  leetle  finefied  cups,  but  I'm 
afeared  they  didn't  set  up  so  straight  as  young  ladies  ought  tu 
in  company — their  heads  did  seem  to  set  rather  unsartin  on 
their  shoulders  every  time  I  looked  at  'em. 

I  drunk  off  a  cup  of  coffee  jest  to  oblige  Jase,  and  then  I 
begun  to  be  kinder  sociable  with  a  young  gal  that  sot  by  Jemi 
ma,  while  Jase  took  Lord  Morpeth  round  to  look  at  his  marble 
head,  and  the  two  whopping  picters  of  himself  and  wife. 

Arter  he  had  gone  the  rounds — as  we  Editors  say  of  a  prime 
article — Lord  Morpeth  made  his  bow  and  went  out,  I  begun  to 
feel  kinder  as  if  I'd  like  to  take  a  snooze,  and  so  I  jest  gin  one 
smashing  bow  at  the  door  for  all,  and  arter  getting  my  hat,  1 
fullered  Lord  Morpeth  out.  It  was  tarnal  cold,  and  I  begun  to 
chirk  up  a  leetle,  when  I  see  that  Jase's  carriage  stood  there. 
Lord  Morpeth  stepped  back  when  he  see  me  close  to  him,  and 
moved  his  hand  as  much  as  to  say — Git  in ;  but  I  stepped  back, 
and  sez  I,  "  I  guess  I've  been  taught  better  manners  than  to 
help  myself  fust," — so  with  that  he  got  in,  and  I  arter. 

We  had  a  good  deal  of  talk  in  the  carriage ;  and  when  we 
both  got  out,  Lord  Morpeth  shook  hands  with  me  as  if  I'd  beeo 
his  twin  brother,  and  asked  me  to  come  and  see  him  to  his  room, 
for  he  wanted  to  talk  with  me  about  picters  and  the  fine  arts, 
and  things  in  general. 

I  gin  his  hand  an  allfired  grip,  and  sez  I,  "  Lord  Morpeth,  you 
can  depend  on  this  chap,  for  he'll  tell  you  the  truth  and  no  soft 
sodder.  I  didn't  take  much  of  a  notion  to  you  at  fust,  for  I  aint 
a  chap  to  run  arter  you  because  you're  a  lord,  but  I  like  you  in 
tpite  of  that,  for  you're  a  darned  good  hearted,  smart  critter, 
and  lord  or  no  lord,  that's  enough." 

"With  that  I  shook  hands  agin,  and  went  up  stairs  to  bed. 


244  HIGH  un  ix  nw  TOBS. 


Ttmmj  Hanii  ifiili"!  li  n mil  i  llnl  nljlil  T  iniUsi     That 

YOTravwinwsDn, 


IKTTKR  XXV. 


i  to  Mffl— fte  Mfflerite  ExateaMot— His  Marat  waits 
the  World  to  eosse  to  m»  End— Letter  from  >>w  York— The 


7*  tic  Eiittn  •fOuNtm  Ytrk  Erprat,  a  4svw4  yrwU  3~« 
paper  4***  i*  York. 


er  came  dawn  from  York  Eke  *  streak  at 
rhalr,  has  Fre  got  kinder  oat  of  the  Bterwr  world  since  I  cat 
back  tan  here,  and  I  didn't  hew  m  wotd  about  it  tin  the  Hi  at 
April,  jest  *$  an  Weatbentfeld  had  «ot  their  robes  made  and 
their  caps  sot  for  t'other  world. 

Fd  been  OK  to  work  aD  daj  in  the  onion  patch,  and  toward 
it  wouldn't  do  no  harm  to  take  a  ride  and  git 
of  mj  back.  So  I  jest  went  to  the  barn,  and  arter 
;  the  old  hone;  and  nKunrmg  oat  Mine  rre  from  the  bin 
I  want  into  the  boose  foe  ao«ne  bags,  and  coododed  Fd  go  to 
nrill,  and  take  the  waj  back  by  old  White's,  jeat  to  sec  how 
Jadj  got  along  arter  the  hat  ainging  achooL 

Wai,  I  took  a  short  col  throogfa  the  orchard,  and  it  made  me 
fed  kinder  chirk  to  hear  the  robins  a  singing  in  the  apple  tree*, 
and  to  aee  the  yoonj  bods  bo<tmg  oat  all  orcr  mr  head,  and  the 
grass  a  apronting  onder  mj  fret,  all  oa  it  a  looking  fresh  as  a 
gaTs  Bp,  and  greener  than  a  hoD  meetin-hoow  foil  of  MiUerke*. 
Thfc  peach  trees  in  the  back  yard  had  jeat  began  to  blow  om ; 
they  wnrnH  in  fall  blow  yet,  INC  seemed  to  be  kinder  Hatting 
afl  over  at  their  own  badfardneas;  and  that  are  old  pear  tree  by 
ft*  wdl,  looked  as  if  natnr  had  shouk  a  floor  bag  ad  or«r 


BT  JOXATHAS   SLICE.  C15 

It,  and  jit,  the  old  critter  wasnt  in  fell  blow  more  than  the  rest 
on 'em.  I  wasn't  dry,  but  the  air  srodt  so  tarnal  sweet,  and  the 
water  in  the  bucket,  that  was  a  leede  leaky,  kept  a  falling  drop, 
drop,  drop,  down  the  well,  so  kinder  tempting,  that  I  couldn't 
help  ketching  hold  of  the  well-pole  as  I  went  by,  and  after 
tilting  the  backet  on  the  curb,  I  tipt  it  down  and  took  a  drink 
that  raly  did  me  good. 

Wai,  I  went  through  the  yard,  and  opened  the  bade  kitchen 
door  to  ask  marm  for  the  bags,  and  there  she  sot}  dose  by  the 
table,  with  her  linsey  wcwlsey  apron  on  yit,  jest  as  she'd  washed 
the  morning  dishes.  Her  old  gray  hair  was  sort  a  rumpled  up 
under  her  cap,  and  her  steel  spectacles  had  slid  half  way  down 
her  nose,  she  was  bending  so  arnest  over  the  big  Bible,  and 
reading  the  Prophecies  of  DanieL  Poor  old  marm,  she  looked 
dreadfully  wamblecropped,  as  if  she'd  jest  made  the  discovery 
of  a  new  mare's  egg  in  the  Bible,  and  was  waiting  to  see  what 
sort  of  a  critter  it  would  hatch  out. 

"Maim,"  sez  I,  "if  youTl  give  me  die  bags  TO  go  to  the  mill, 
the  last  grist  must  be  party  nearly  out  by  this  time." 

Marm  sotstilL,  looking  at  the  Bible,  and  didn't  seem  to  know 
as  I  was  talking.  She  shook  her  head  kinder  awful,  till  the 
specs  rattled  on  her  nose,  and  then  she  groaned  oat  something 
consarning  fire  and  brimstone  and  the  eend  of  all  things  ;  and 
she  wiped  her  eyes  with  her  apron,  as  if  she  felt  dreadfully  and 
couldn't  help  it. 

"Marm,"  ser  I,  "what  on  arth  ails  you ?  you'll  make  meboo- 
hoo  right  out,  if  you  look  so  melancholy  and  take  on  so." 

Marm  give  a  jump,  and  looked  up  sort  a  skeery,  and  sex  she, 
**  Oh,  dreadful  suz !  Jonathan,  is  it  only  you  I" 

"  Wai,  I  reckon  so,"  sez  I;  tt  where's  the  bags!* 

"Oh,  Jonathan!"  sez  she,  "are  you  ready  for  the  eend!1* 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  "I  guess  I  be;  I  rather  calculate  these  two 
strings  are  tough  enough  to  tie  up  the  eend  of  any  bag  on  these 
ere  premises." 

Marm  shook  her  bead  agin,  and  her  lace  was  as  solemncholy 
as  a  gal  that's  got  the  mitten,  and  sez  she,  "Jonathan,"  sez  she, 
"Lave  you  ever  calculated  on  the  beast  with  the  horns f 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  a  putting  my  hands  in  my  pockets,  "  I  can't  say 

. 


246  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

«« 

that  I  ever  calculated  much  on  them,  critters ;  if  you  and  par 
•want  me  to  take  'em,  I  don't  object  to  the  old  oxen,  bnt  I'd  a 
leerle  ruther  have  the  black  steers,  if  you'd  jest  as  lives." 

Mann  shook  her  head  worse  than  ever. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  the  old  oxen  will  do,  so  chirk  up  and  tell  mo 
•where  the  hags  are." 

With  that  I  went  up  the  back  stairs  and  found  the  things 
myself,  and  was  a  going  out  whet,  she  called  arter  me,  and,  sez 
elie,  "Jonathan,  Jonathan,  don't  go  on  so— oh  dear  me,  poor  un- 
regenerate  critter,  what  do  we  want  of  another  grist;  have  you 
forgot  Miller  and  his  promise  ?" 

"  Goodness  gracious,  no,"  sez  I,  a  swinging  my  bags  over  the 
old  horse,  "  how  could  I  forget  him — he's  as  clever  a  critter  as 
ever  lived,  and  he  promised  to  give  this  grist  a  tarnation  bolting : 
I  told  him  how  mad  you  was  about  t'other." 

With  that  I  got  out  the  horse,  hitched  up  the  bags  to  make  'em 
lie  even  under  me,  give  the  bfidle  a  shake  and  jogged  on, 
wondering  what  on  arth  had  sot  marm  up  so.  Jest  as  I  was  a 
turning  down  the  lane  toward  Squire  White's,  I  looked  back  and 
there  she  was  a  standing  by  the  winder,  with  both  hands  up,  and 
her  cap  knocked  a  one  side  like  a  crazy  critter.  Jest  then  par 
come  across  the  corn  lot,  where  he  and  old  uncle  White  had  been 
a  ploughing,  and  I  told  him  what  a  tantrum  marm  was  in  about 
the  oxen  and  the  grist. 

Par  shook  his  head,  and  sez  he,  "Consarn  that  Miller!  she's 
been  a  brooding  over  the  varmint's  nonsense  this  ever  so  long, 
till  she  couln't  sleep  a  nights,  and  now  as  it's  jest  coming  on  to 
the  23d  of  April,  I  s'pose  she's  broke  out  in  a  new  spot." 

"Darn  the  old  scamp  to  darnation!"  sez  I,  "it's  jest  got 
through  my  head  what  ails  marm ;  the  sneaking  old  varmint,  he 
ought  to  be  sung  to  death  by  screech  owls,  and  knocked  into  the 
middle  of  next  week  by  crippled  grasshoppers !"  With  that  I 
rode  along,  and  par  went  hum,  a  looking  jest  as  if  he  was  ready 
to  bust  out  a  crying  or  a  swearing,  he  didn't  care  which. 

Wai,  I  was  purty  much  womblecropped  a-11  the  way  to  the 
mill,  for  somehow  it  made  me  feel  sort  of  all-overish  to  think  how 
near  the  time  had  come.  I  wasn't  raly  a  skeered,  but  every 
thing  looked  pokerish  all  around.  Tho  mill  was  shet  up,  so  I 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  247 

up  my  grist  at  the  door,  and  got  on  to  the  old  horse  agin, 
C*'tarmined  to  ride  into  town  and  see  if  I  could  find  any  thing  to 
chirk  me  up.  Jest  as  I  got  agin  the  post  office,  a  chap  hollered 
out  that  they'd  got  a  letter  for  me  from  York,  post  paid  and  all. 
I  turned  up  and  laid  the  bridle  on  the  old  horse's  neck,  while  I 
broke  open  the  letter  and  read  it.  By  ganley !  didn't  it  make  my 
heart  jump  right  up  into  my  mouth !  But  yet  I  felt  a  leetle 
i.neasy  about  it.  I  wanted  to  come  like  all  natur,  but  par  hain't 
been  willing  to  hear  a  word  about  York  never  since  I  took  sich  a 
shine  to  Miss  Elssler,  at  the  Astor  House,  and  I  was  afeard  that 
Le'd  say  no  to  it.  Then  there  was  inarm  and  Judy  White  both 
on  'em  sot  agin  York,  and  hating  Miss  Elssler  like  rank  pison ; 
howsomever,  I'm  purty  good  grit  when  I  sot  out  in  arnest,  and 
I  rode  along  thinking  the  matter  over  till  I  got  to  old  Mr. 
"White's.  Judy  come  out  with  her  calico  sun  bonnet  on,  looking 
good  enough  to  eat. 

"  Come,  Judy,"  sez  I,  "  jump  on  behind,  and  go  hum  with  me ; 
marm  has  got  a  fit  of  the  dreadful  suz,  about  that  tarnal  old  Mil 
ler's  bisness,  and  I  want  you  to  chirk  her  up  a  leetle,  if  you 
can." 

Judy  run  up  to  the  fence,  so  I  made  the  old  horse  side  up 
while  she  took  off  her  check  apron  and  spread  it  on  behind. 
"  Come  up,"  sez  I  agin  to  the  old  critter ;  he  got  so  close  to  the 
fence  that  he  a'most  smashed  my  leg  agin  the  boards,  and  then 
Bhied  agin ;  but  Judy  White  is  clear  grit  and  no  mistake — she 
give  a  jump  and  cum  down  square  right  on  the  crooper  with  one 
arm  round  me.  The  horse  shied  agin ;  Judy  kinder  slipped  a 
leetle,  and  she  hung  on  to  me  closer  yit,  and  larfed  till  you 
couldn't  tell  which  made  the  sweetest  noise,  she  or  the  robins  in 
old  White's  orchard.  When  I  turned  to  ketch  her,  them  pesky 
red  lips  of  her'n  were  poked  right  agin  my  face ;  the  harnsome 
varmint  hung  on  to  me  with  both  arms  like  all  natur,  and  every 
time  she  larfed  out,  that  tempting  breath  of  her'n  come  right 
over  my  mouth.  Oonsarn  the  critter,  I  eenamost  gin  her  a  buss 
afore  I  knew  it,  and  when  the  tee-hee  bust  out  through  them 
lips  agin,  I  had  to  stop  her  mouth  for  fear  she'd  scare  the 
horse. 


248  HIGH    LIFE    IN    XEW    YORK. 

4tN"ow  you  git  out,  Jonathan  I"  sez  she,  a  righting  herself  agin 
in  no  time ;  "  aint  you  ashamed  ?" 

That  stubborn  old  varmint  begun  another  double  shuffle,  right 
there  in  the  street,  and  it  was  all  I  could  du  to  hold  him  in,  so  I 
hadn't  no  time  to  mollify  Judy  with  another  buss.  The  critter 
•wouldn't  speak  a  word  all  the  way  hum,  but  there  she  sot,  with 
one  arm  round  me  kinder  loose,  as  if  she'd  a  kept  herself  on  some 
other  way  if  she  could,  and  a  holding  on  her  sun  bonnet  with 
t'other  hand,  till  one  couldn't  git  the  leastest  peep  at  her  face. 
It  was  purty  near  dark  when  we  got  hum.  The  cows  stood  by 
the  gate  a  lowing  to  be  milked.  The  old  hens,  setting  ones  and 
all,  come  round  us  hilter-skilter,  as  if  they  were  eenamost  starved 
to  death,  and  when  we  got  into  the  kitchen,  there  stood  the  table 
jest  as  it  was  left  arter  breakfast,  covered  with  dirty  dishes;  the 
strainer  lay  in  a  leetle  wad  in  one  of  the  sarsers,  and  the  cat  was 
a  licking  off  the  cream  from  a  pan  of  milk  that  stood  on  a  chair 
by  the  cheese-room  door.  Mann  had  gone  off  and  shut  herself 
up  in  the  out  room,  with  the  Bible  and  a  hull  heap  of  the  "Mid 
night  Ory"  newspapers. 

I  swanny,  it  eenamost  made  me  boo-hoo  right  out  to  see  how 
the  things  lay  about  the  house.  There  never  was  a  neater  critter 
on  arth  than  marm  ;  but  the  hull  premises  raly  looked  more  like 
a  hog  pen  than  any  thing  else.  Judy  and  I  went  to  work  like 
good  fellers — she  forgot  to  be  mad  and  tackled  to,  washing  dishes 
and  gitting  supper,  while  I  went  out  to  milk.  Marm  wouldn't 
come  to  supper,  and  par  eenamost  choked  with  every  mouthful 
he  eat,  and  yit  he  looked  more  than  half  wrathy,  as  if  he'd  about 
as  much  trouble  to  keep  his  dander  down  as  to  hold  up  the  tears 
that  every  once  in  a  while  kept  a  dropping  from  under  his  eyes 
down  the  side  of  his  nose. 

I  guess  you  never  sot  eyes  on  so  melancholy  a  set  of  critters 
as  sot  round  our  kitchen  till  midnight,  for  marm  wouldn't  go  to 
bed,  and  we  were  afeard  to  leave  her  up  alone  in  the  out  room 
with  that  pictur  of  the  horned  beast  a  staring  her  right  in  the 
eyes.  When  the  old  clock  struck  twelve,  we  heard  the  out  door 
room  shut  to,  and  by-am-by  marm  come  where  we  sot  in  the 
kitchen,  dressed  out  in  a  great  long  consarn  like  an  overgrown 


BT  JONATHAN    SLICK.  249 

night-gown,  with  white  shoes  on  her  old  feet,  and  that  gray  hair 
of  hern  a  hanging  down  her  back ;  I  swow,  it  made  me  ketch 
my  breath  to  see  her ! 

I  haint  got  the  heart  to  write  all  the  shines  marm  cut  np  that 
night  and  all  day  the  Sunday  arter — it  seems  like  pokin  fun 
at  one's  own  marm — as  she  went  from  one  room  to  t'other,  a 
ringing  her  hands  and  a  crying  her  eyes  out,  because  we  wouldn't 
put  on  the  robes  she'd  made  for  us,  and  go  right  np  to  heaven 
without  making  a  fuss  about  it.  I  thought  it  wouldn't  do  no 
harm  to  try  and  rile  her  up  to  thinking  of  something  besides  the 
horned  beast. 

"  Marm,"  sez  I,  all  tu  once,  "  I  can't  think  of  fixing  up  for 
t'other  world  yit,  no  how.  I've  jest  got  a  letter  from  York,  and 
if  you're  so  detarmined  on  going  to  heaven,  I  ruther  guess  York's 
the  place  for  me." 

Marm  jumped  right  up  from  her  knees,  and  sez  she,  "Jonathan 
what  du  you  mean?" 

My  heart  riz ;  it  was  the  only  sign  of  gumption  she  had  made 
for  a  hull  day.  Par  looked  op,  and  his  chin  kinder  quivered,  for 
he  thought  I  was  poking  fun  at  the  old  woman,  and  Judy  White, 
she  sidled  up  to  me,  and  sez  she,  all  in  a  twitter,  "Jonathan  you 
aint  in  arnest  now  ?" 

"  If  I  was,  would  you  give  up  and  let  me  go  ?"  sez  I. 

Darn  the  harnsome  critter,  how  mad  she  looked !  "  No  1 
won't  nor  touch  tu  I"  sez  she,  and  afore  I  knew  it,  she  bust  right 
out  a  crying  and  went  out  of  the  room. 

I  didn't  foller  her,  for  marm  had  got  down  on  her  knees  agin, 
and  was  a  looking  through  her  specs  at  a  tarnal  big  thunder  cloud 
that  cum  a  rolling  its  blackness  in  knolls  and  furrows  all  over  the 
sky,  as  if  the  world  had  raly  cum  to  an  eend,  and  all  the  niggers 
in  creation  was  a  going  up  fust. 

Marm's  face  was  as  white  as  a  taller  candle,  she  was  enough 
to  scare  anybody  out  of  a  week's  growth,  a  kneeling  there  in  that 
white  gown,  and  her  old  hands  a  wrenching  away  at  each  other, 
like  a  crazy  critter.  Thinks  I,  I'll  try  and  rile  her  up  agin,  but 
it  wasn't  of  the  leastest  use,  she  Avouldn't  git  up  from  the  winder, 
but  knelt  there  stock  still — with  her  head  jqung  back'ards,  and 
the  lightning  a  blazing  over  her  steel  specs,  an^  the  grizzley  hair 


250  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

that  hung  away  down  her  back.  I  swan  to  man,  it  made  my 
hair  stand  on  eend  to  look  at  her.  By-am-by  the  thunder  come 
a  rolling  and  tumbling  through  the  clouds,  as  if  somebody  was  a 
blasting  rocks  up  above ;  and  the  lightning  come  a  streaming  out 
agin  in  great  blazes  of  fire,  till  it  seemed  as  if  all  natur  was 
turned  wrong  eend  up,  and  all  the  brick  kilns,  coal  mines,  and 
founderies  on  arth  were  a  playing  away  in  the  clouds,  and  a 
groaning  and  hissing  through  the  rain  that  came  down  in  pails- 
full,  and  a  scaring  folks  to  death. 

"  There! — look  a  there!"  sez  marm  all  tu  once,  a  jumping  up, 
and  a  stretching  her  arm  through  the  winder.  "  I'm  ready — I'm 
a  coming! — Look  a  there,  Deacon  Zephaniah  Slick — look  there, 
my  unregenerated  son — look!" 

Sure  as  a  gun,  there  was  something  all  dressed  out  in  white  a 
standing  in  the  orchard,  right  agin  the  winder.  Par  and  Judy 
White — for  the  critter  ran  back  from  the  out  room  when  she  see 
that  I  wasn't  a  going  to  foller  her — riz  right  up,  and  they  wur 
about  the  streakedest  looking  critters  that  ever  you  sot  eyes  on. 
Je?t  then  cum  aloud  noise — snort,  snort,  snort — from  the  orchard. 
"  Oh  gracious  me !"  sez  marm — "  the  trumpet !  the  trumpet !" — 
and  down:  she  slumped  on  her  knees  agin. 

"  By  gracious,"  think  sez  I,  "  I'll  see  what  the  matter  is,  any 
how ;"  so  I  gin  a  dive  to  the  winder,  and  I  hollored  out,  "shew 
— stuboy — git  out!"  but  I  kinder  think  I  didn't  yell  over  loud, 
the  words  stuck  like  wax-eends  in  my  throat,  and  afore  I  could 
git  'em  untangled,  out  cum  the  noise  agin,  louder,  and  twice  as 
earcy  as  it  was  before. 

Think  sez  I,  "  Gracious  know?,  I'm  afeard  we're  gone  suckers, 
but  I'll  try  agin  anyhow;  so  sez  I,  a  clapping  my  hands,  "git 
away,  you  varmint,  tramp — scoot — stuboy — y — y — " 

I  gne^s  I  yelled  it  out  like  a  training  gun  that  time.  The 
white  spirit  seemed  to  feel  it  tu,  for  it  flung  it*  arms  in  the  dark, 
and  pin  us  another  blast  of  his  consarned  old  trumpet.  Jest  then 
the  lightning  came  cutting  down  agin,  and — oh,  git  out! — it  was 
oi'ly  the  old  white  horse,  a  snorting  and  a  kicking  up  his  heels. 
in  the  orchard.  I  sot  down,  and  haw-hawed  right  out,  till  it 
was  all  I  could  dr  to  catch  my  breath  agin ;  then  I  bust  out 
ttyin,  till  par  aT  u  Judy  jined  choru.«,  and  we  made  the  old 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  251 

house  ring  as  if  there  had  been  a  quilting  frolic  in  it:  just  then 
the  clock  struck  twelve. 

"Hurra!"  I  sung  out,  "  mann,  the  23d  of  April  has  cum  and 
gone ;  come,  mann,  git  up,  the  storm  is  blowing  over,  and  the 
moon  haint  turned  to  blood  yit.  Hurra  1" 

I  was  jest  a  going  to  give  poor  old  mann  a  buss,  but  par  had 
got  her  in  his  arms  a  kissing  her  white  face,  and  a  boo-hooing, 
the  old  coot,  like  a  spring  colt.  So  as  the  buss  was  all  made  up, 
and  too  heavy  for  my  mouth,  I  gin  it  to  Judy.  And  she  handed 
over  a  cuff  for  pay,  the  tanterlizing  little  snapping  turtle. 

Judy  was  all  sot  to  rights  agin,  afore  the  old  horse  had  got 
over  his  double  shuffle. 

"  Oh  dear,  only  to  think  that  I  should  a  cut  up  such  a  heap 
of  factory  cloth,  and  all  for  nothing !"  sez  inarm  arter  a  while. 

We  didn't  say  much  to  marm  that  night,  but  when  par  and 
she  got  up  to  go  to  bed,  she  took  a  slantindicular  look  at  her  robe, 
and  then  gin  a  sneaking  squint  at  us.  I  couldn't  hardly  keep 
from  busting  right  out  agin,  but  choked  in.  And  par  says, — he 
never  seems  to  mind  it — "  you  can  use  it  for  a  night-gown." 
When  the  old  folks  had  gone,  Judy  and  I  went  into  the  out  room, 
and  seeing  as  it  was  Sunday  night,  and  nobody  to  interfere,  we 
sot  down,  and  hitching  our  chairs  close  together,  didn't  get  sleepy 
till  nigh  about  morning^  but  kept  on  talking,  as  chipper  as  two 
birds.  I  didn't  say  anything  to  Judy  about  coming  to  York;  she 
is  a  sneezer  when  her  dander  is  once  up,  and  I  kinder  think  it 
best  to  come  off,  and  then  write  a  letter  to  her  arter  it  is  all  done. 
She's  allfired  jealous  of  the  York  gals,  and  dreads  them  that 
dance  like  Miss  Elssler  as  a  cat  hates  hot  soap. 

I  guess  I  shall  cum  any  how,  but  not  jest  yit.  I  must  git  in 
all  the  onions  fupt,  and  help  about  the  grain  some ;  arter  that, 
you'll  see  me  at  the  office  as  large  as  life,  and  twice  as  nat'ral. 
Par  wont  hear  a  word  on  it  yit,  I'm  sartin,  he  got  so  allfired 
uneasy  about  me  and  Miss  Elssler,  that  he  sent  for  me  right  hum, 
when  I  was  at  the  Express  office ;  he  thinks  politics  and  dancing 
gals  about  the  meanest  things  that  a  feller  can  hanker  arter.  But 
Til  set  Captin  Doolittle  to  arguing  the  matter  with  him,  and  as 
for  mann,  I  guess  she'll  feel  rather  tu  streaked  to  make  much  ot 
a  fuss  about  any  thing  jest  now.  I  meant  to  cum  the  soft  sodder 


252  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

over  her  a  leetle  any  how ;  so  this  morning  I  went  ont  to  my 
onion  bed  back  of  the  barn,  where  the  sun  comes  all  day  from 
mornine  till  night,  and  I  pulled  up  a  harnful  of  young  onions 
that  would  make  your  month  water;  they  had  the  tenderest 
green  tops  you  ever  see,  and  when  I  held  'em  up  and  shook  the 
dirt  off,  they  looked  more  like  a  harnful  of  snow  drops  a  blowing 
out  at  the  wrong  eend,  than  anything  else.  I  gin  these  to  marm, 
jost  as  she  was  a  setting  down  to  breakfast.  She  was  eenamost 
tickled  to  death  with  them,  and  I  reckon  that  is  one  long  step 
towards  York. 

Mebby  I  shall  be  in  York  afore  yon  git  another  letter  from 
these  parts  and  mebby  not,  there's  no  knowing  when  I  can  git 
away. 

Yours  tu  command, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


LETTER  XXVI. 

Jonathan  arrives  in  New  York — Travels  on  the  Deacon's  Mare — Has 
Trouble  with  the  Colt — Embarks  from  Peck  Slip,  on  Capt. 
Doolittle's  Sloop,  to  meet  the  President — His  Introduction — 
Jonathan's  Idea  of  the  Cold  Collation — The  Reception — Landing 
at  Castle  Garden — Review  of  the  Troops — The  Procession,  Ac. 

DEAR  PAB: 

Here  I  am,  safe  and  sound,  but  about  the  tiredest  critter  that 
you  ever  sot  eyes  on.  Afore  I  got  to  Bridgeport,  I  begun  to  be 
kinder  sorry  that  I  didn't  stand  my  chance  and  come  on  with 
Captin  Doolittle  in  the  sloop,  for  the  fust  thing  that  I  see  arter  I 
got  tu  cousin  Smith's  in  Bridgeport,  was  the  old  sloop  a  scooting 
down  the  Sound  like  a  fovr  horse  team,  with  all  sails  sot,  and 
loaded  down  to  the  water  with  garden  sarce.  It  seemed  tu  me 
that  I  could  a'most  see  Captin  Doolittle  hisself,  a  standing  on 
the  deck  and  a  poking  fun  at  me  for  coming  down  on  the  old 
mare.  The  poor  colt  tu  was  eenamost  tuckered  out,  and  I  begun 
tu  feel  sort  o'  wamblecropped  for  fear  something  would  happen 
tu  one  of  the  poor  critters  afore  I  got  tn  York ;  but  my  keeping 
didn't  cost  nothing,  and  I  got  consin  Smith  to  put  a  cood  feed  ii» 


BY   JONATHAN   SLICK.  253 

one  eend  of  ray  saddle-bags,  and  gin  the  colt  a  warm  drink  of 
milk  afore  we  started  in  the  morning,  so  we  all  three  on  ua 
jogged  on  towards  Stamford,  in  purty  good  condition,  considerin', 
Our  cousin  at  Stamford  warn't  tu  hum,  so  I  had  to  put  the  old 
mare  and  colt  up  to  a  tavern,  and  arter  letting  into  a  few  of 
marm's  doughnuts,  that  lightened  one  eend  of  my  saddle-bags 
quite  a  considerable,  I  turned  in  till  morning.  The  barkeeper 
made  me  pay  three  York  shillings  for  the  horse  keeping.  My 
grit  riz  at  it,  for  the  old  mare  looked  as  lank  as  a  shad ;  but  I 
didn't  want  to  git  into  a  scrape,  so  I  shelled  out,  and  rode  along 
darning  all  the  cousins  to  darnation.  What  are  the  varmints 
good  for,  if  they  can't  be  tu  hum  when  a  feller  travels  their  way  ? 

It  was  purty  well  into  the  morning  when  I  got  down  to  York; 
the  old  mare  was  eenamost  tired  out,  and  I  begun  to  think  she 
wouldn't  cut  much  of  a  dash ;  but  jest  as  we  were  turning  down 
the  Bowery,  she  got  a  sight  of  one  of  them  consarned  great  rail 
road  cars,  arid  seemed  to  take  it  for  a  stable  trying  to  run  off;  for 
she  gin  a  snort,  stuck  her  tail  right  straight  out  and  her  ears  right 
up,  and  away  she  streaked  it  arter  the  cars,  like  a  house  a  fire 
and  no  engines  to  be  had.  The  colt,  it  come  a  whinnering  arter, 
and  if  we  didn't  cut  a  figger,  you  never  saw  one  in  the  multipli 
cation  table.  My  coat  tail  was  a  streaming  out  behind,  and  I  held 
on  to  my  bell-crowned  hat  with  one  hand  while  I  shook  my  bridle 
with  t'other,  and  stnboyed  the  old  critter  along ;  for  I  didn't 
want  the  people  to  think  that  I  was  afeard  to  go  as  fast  as  any 
thing  in  creation  took  a  notion  to,  if  it  was  a  steam  engine  loaded 
with  fire  and  brimstun,  instead  of  a  harnsome  bay  mare  with  a 
nussing  colt. 

Jest  as  we  got  away  down  the  Bowery,  the  cars  stopped  stock 
still,  and  the  mare  cum  up  and  saw  that  it  was  only  a  box  full  of 
folk?,  she  kicked  up  her  heels  till  I  was  eenamost  spilt  in  tho 
etreet.  The  colt  it  come  up  and  flurished  its  leetle  spindle 
shanks  agin  the  car,  jest  as  its  mother  had  afore,  and  away  we 
went,  cutting  dirt  down  Chatham  street  like  a  streak  of  iled 
lightning,  till  I  drew  the  mare  up  with  a  snort  and  a  kick  that 
tapered  off'  into  a  double  shuffle  right  agin  the  Express  office. 

I  jumped  off  and  streaked  it  into  the  office,  and  right  upstairs, 
three  steps  at  a  time. 


i  ,  I  11  Hi II    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

I  walked  right  into  the  editor's  room,  with  ray  hand  out,  and  sez  I, 

"How  do  you  du?" 

Afore  he  could  answer,  a  clock  in  the  City  Hall  steeple  struck. 
The  editor,  he  jumped  up,  and  sez  he, 

"  We?re  tu  late,  the  boat  is  off.  There's  your  ticket,  Mr.  Slick, 
but  it's  of  no  use  now." 

I  took  the  paper  that  he  gin  me, — it  was  an  invite  to  meet  the 
President,  and  the  boat  was  off. 

"Darn  rne,  .f  I  don't  ketch  np  with  him!"  sez  I,  and  out  I 
went,  right  ahead  down  stairs,  with  out  another  word. 

"  Look  a  here,"  sez  I  to  the  boy  that  held  the  mare,  "  when 
the  President  comes  in,  you  jest  lead  my  horse  down  to  the  land 
ing,  and  I'll  give  you  a  four-pence-ha'peuny,  clear  silver." 

ul'll  du  it,"  sez  the  little  chap. 

"You'll  be  a  man  before  your  marm,"  sez  I,  a  turning  the 
corner,  to  go  the  shortest  cut  to  Peck  Slip. 

Oaptin  Doolittle,  was  jest  a  hauling  in,  but  I  gin  the  old  bell 
crown  a  swing,  and  sez  I,  "  Hold  on,  you  consarned  old  coot,  hold 
on,  and  hist  sail  arter  the  President." 

"With  that  I  jumped  aboard  a  boat,  and  afore  I  reached  the 
sloop  she  had  worked  about  and  was  ready  for  a  chase.  The 
wind  was  coming  right  up  the  East  River — and  the  minit  I 
jumped  aboard,  Captin  Doolittle,  he  and  the  black  boy  gin  a 
hurra,  and  the  way  we  cut  water  was  a  caution  to  small  craft. 
"We  ploughed  right  ahead,  full  chisel,  down  the  harbor,  till  by- 
am-by  we  saw  two  steamboats  a  coming  towards  us,  brim  full, 
and  a  running  over  with  people — with  banners  a  flying,  and 
colors  a  streaming — toot  horns  a  blowing,  and  fifes  ft  letting  off 
Yankee  Doodle — drums  a  rattling  out  "  Hail  Columbia,"  and  the 
big  paddles  a  playing  the  water  up,  till  it  seemed  tu  kinder 
ketch  fire  in  the  hot  sun,  and  drop  into  the  waves  to  get  cool  agin. 

"Captin,"  sez  I,  "hist  another  flag." 

The  captin,  he  put  his  chaw  of  terbacco  into  t'other  cheek,  and 
sez  he,  "  I  haint  got  none." 

"  I  guess  I  have,"  sez  the  leetle  nigger,  a  running  down  into 
the  cabin. 

In  a  minit  he  cum  back  with  one  of  the  captin's  red  woollen 
shirts  fastened  to  the  eend  of  a  bean  pole,  and  he  stuck  it  up  on 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  255 

the  stern  of  the  sloop,  jest  as  we  cum  bearing  right  down  on  the 
two  steamboats. 

A  tall  chap  with  a  sort  of  good  natered  face,  but  the  darndest 
fish-hawk  nose  that  you  ever  sot  eyes  on,  stood  with  a  lot  of 
i'ellers  on  the  deck  of  the  boat  that  had  the  most  music  in  it — au 
old  codger,  with  a  blue  coat  lined  and  faced  all  over  with  yaller, 
and  a  cocked  hat  right  on  his  head,  with  one  eend  curling  up. 
Jest  over  his  nose,  like  a  hen-hawk  ready  to  pick  his  eyes  out, 
and  with  his  two  legs  swallered  up  in  a  pair  of  black  and  yaller 
boots,  stood  close  by  the  man  with  the  nose. 

"  Captin  Doolittle,"  sez  I,  "  get  out  the  gun,  there's  the  Presi 
dent." 

"  "What,  that  old  chap  with  the  yaller  legs  and  breast,"  sez  he, 
"  that  looks  like  an  overgrown  grasshopper  a  skipping  out  of  the 
last  century  into  this?" 

"  Jest  so,"  sez  I,  "  that's  the  President  of  the  United  States,  I 
liaint  no  doubt — so  three  cheers,  and  then  blaze  away !" 

The  nigger,  he  went  down  and  brought  up  the  old  gun — Captin 
Doolittle,  he  loaded  her  down  purty  tight,  pushed  the  charge 
hum  with  his  ramrod,  shook  down  the  powder  in  the  pan,  and 
arter  trying  it  tu  his  shoulder,  sez  he, 

"Jonathan,  go  ahead." 

"  I  took  a  squint  at  the  leetle  nigger  tu  see  if  all  was  ready,  and 
then  I  off  with  my  old  bell-crown,"  and  sez  I,  "  now" — witl  that 
I  gin  it  a  flurrish — "  Hurra  1 !!"  I  yelled  out  like  the  bust  of  a 
cannon — "  Hurra! !"  sung  out  Captin  Doolittle  on  the  taper  eend 
of  my  yell — "Hurra!"  squeaked  the  leetle  nigger.  With  that 
the  old  gun  banged  away,  and  the  tall  man  with  the  nose,  he 
bowed  and  flnrrished  his  hand  at  us,  and  with  that  I  saw  Alder 
man  Purdy,  a  chap  that  used  to  come  to  the  Express  office  when 
I  was  there  afore,  and  the  minit  he  saw  that  it  was  me,  the  boat 
stopped  all  tu  once,  and  begun  tu  snort  and  roll  on  the  water  like 
a  sick  porpoise,  and  some  one  sung  out,  "  Cum  aboard." 

Captin  Doolittle  and  the  nigger,  they  let  down  the  boat,  an<? 
afore  I  knew  it  there  I  was,  standing  in  the  steamboat.  The 
minit  I  stepped  aboard,  the  swad  of  fellers  on  deck  with  toot- 
horns  and  fifes  and  drums,  let  out  a  hull  thunder  storm  of  music. 
Captin  Doolittle,  he  banged  off  the  old  gun  agin ;  the  leetle  nig- 


256  HIGH    LIFE    IN'    NEW    YORK. 

ger,  he  got  up  an  extra  shirt  and  gin  another  leetle  hurra ;  *nd 
Mr.  Punly,  eez  he, 

''•  Mr.  Slick,  the  President  wants  to  see  you." 

u  Wai,"  sez  I,  "I  haint  no  objection,  only  give  me  time  to  slick 
op  a  mite." 

With  that  I  took  out  my  hankercher  and  kinder  dusted  off  my 
new  coat  and  trousers,  and  slicked  down  my  hair  a  leetle,  and  I 
fullered  Mr.  Purdy,  right  up  tu  where  the  President  was  a  stand 
ing,  in  his  yaller  clothes  and  his  cocked  hat. 

u  Mr.  Tyler,  how  do  you  du  ?''  sez  I,  a  taking  one  hand  from 
my  trousers'  pocket,  and  a  holding  it  out. 

The  yaller  chap,  he  stepped  back  a  leetle,  and  the  tall  coon, 
with  the  nose,  he  gin  my  hand  a  tarnal  grip,  and  sez  he, 

"Mr.  Slick,  I'm  glad  tu  see  you." 

"  You're  kinder  got  the  advantage  of  me,  I  reckon,"  sez  I,  but 
that  minit  Alderman  Purdy  whispered  to  me, 

"  Why,  it's  the  President,"  sez  he. 

"  Gauly  oppilus,"  sez  I,  "  you  don't  say  sol" 

"  Mr.  President,  how  do  you  du,  and  how  are  all  the  folks  tu 
hum,  about  these  times,  all  purty  smart  I  s'pose?"  With  that  I 
worked  away  at  the  old  chap's  hand,  with  both  mine,  as  if  I'd 
made  up  my  mind  tu  pump  an  office  out  of  him,  afore  I  let 

go- 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  Oaptin,  I  hope  yon  mean  to  stay  in  York  a 
spell,  now  you've  got  here ;  some  harnsome  gals  about  these 
diggings  jest  now,  rale  sneezers  in  the  way  of  beauty — you  haint 
no  idee  of  that  sort,  nor  nothing  have  you  ?"  sez  I,  a  giving  him 
a  slantindicular  squint  from  one  eye,  and  a  leetle  punch  in  the 
ribs  with  the  tip  eend  of  my  finger,  "no  you  haint  now." 

The  captin  he  larfed,  and  sez  he,  "  Oh  no,  I'm  only  making  a 
little  unpremeditated  tor.r  a — " 

u  Jest  so,"  sez  I,  u  an  accidental  visit." 

The  captin  gin  me  a  squint  across  his  nose,  and  th«n  I  made 
him  a  low  bow,  and  sez  I,  "Jest  so,  but  the  folks  seem  tu  be 
ruther  tickled  with  sich  accidents,  don't  they  ?" 

This  seemed  to  kinder  mollify  the  captin,  and  jest  as  I  was  a 
spreading  myself  for  a  new  speech,  a  feller  cum  up  with  a  great 
red  and  green  and  white  rosy,  pinned  on  to  his  coat,  and  he 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  257 

whispered  tu  the  President,  and  the  President  looked  round  tu 
me,  and  sez  he, 

"  Mr.  Slick,  they  tell  me  that  the  collation  is  ready — will  you 
go  with  me  into  the  ladies'  cabin,  and  lead  down  one  of  my  fair 
friends  ?" 

I  made  him  a  prime  bow — a  rale  darnsing  school  smasher — 
and,  sez  I, 

"  Wai  now,  I  don't  know  what  kind  of  horned  cattle  a  collation 
is,  but  seeing  as  it's  you,  I'll  tackle  in,  if  it's  only  tu  git  acquaint 
ed  with  a  downright  ginuine  fair  friend  of  your'n,  captin,  for 
folks  say  that  your  friends  are  party  darned  unfair  in  a  gineral 
way." 

"  Folks  don't  du  me  justice,"  sez  he,  a  turning  red  in  the  gills ; 
"  No  man  ever  had  better  or  devoted  friends  on  arth." 

"  What  there  is  on  'em,"  sez  I. 

The  captin  didn't  seem  tu  hear  me,  but  he  took  out  his  chaw  of 
terbacco  and  pitched  it  over  the  side  of  the  boat.  I  dug  both 
hands  into  my  trousers'  pockets,  and  sez  I  tu  the  man  with  the 
silk  rosy,  sez  I — 

"  Come,  now,  I  s'pose  it's  about  time  for  you  and  I  and  the 
President  to  be  a  movin.  Where  du  you  keep  that  critter  of 
your'n  ?" 

"  What  critter  ?"  sez  he. 

"  Why,  the  collation  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Down  in  the  cabin,"  sez  he. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  I  hope  the  varmint  is  considerable  tame  ;  but 
come  on,  whose  afeard  !" 

With  that,  Captin  Tyler  and  I  and  the  old  yaller  chap,  with  a 
hull  swad  of  fellers,  some  on  'em  in  training  clothes,  and  some 
on  'em  with  cocked  hats  on,  went  into  a  leetle  room  fenced  off 
from  the  deck,  and  there,  jest  as  sartin  as  you  live,  were  five  or 
six  wimmen  folks,  right  in  amongst  all  them  men,  like  one  clover 
top  tu  a  hull  hive  of  honey  bees,  a  lookin  as  contented  as  git  out. 
"Wai,"  think  sez  I,  "If  they  ain't  scared,  I  ain't."  The  Presi 
dent  seemed  to  know  'era,  for  he  put  his  arm  right  under  mine 
eo  arnest,  that  he  eenamost  lifted  my  right  hand  out  of  my  pock 
et  ;  and,  sez  he, — 

"  Ladies,  Mr.  Slick,  of  the  New  York  Press." 
17 


258  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    TORE. 

"With  that;  I  took  off  old  bell-crown  with  one  hand,  and  I  put 
out  my  right  foot  and  gin  a  draw  kinder  softly  into  the  holler  of 
t'other,  and  I  bent  down  like  a  jack-knife;  ray  eyes  had  tu  kinder 
roll  up  a  leetle,  to  look  into  the  gals',  and  sez  I, — 

"  Ladies,  I  hope  you're  purty  well  ?" 

One  on  'em  kinder  got  up  half  way,  she  was  a  proper  purty 
woman,  and  looked  as  good  natered  and  kind  as  a  robin  red 
breast  in  the  spring  time,  and  reached  out  that  harnsome  white 
hand,  and  smiled  sort  of  softly,  and  sez  she — 

"  Mr.  Slick,  we're  happy  tu  see  you." 

Another  harnsome  critter  in  a  checkered  frock,  a  rale  ginuine 
beauty,  without  paint  or  whitewash,  she  gin  her  leetle  foot  a 
twirl,  and  was  a  beginning  tu  reel  off  a  curchy,  so  I  jest  stuck 
out  my  left  stomper,  and  sot  the  hinge  of  my  back  a  going  for 
her ;  but  jest  as  I  was  gittin  head's  up  agin  and  my  arms  a  swing 
ing  back  tu  their  place,  I  ketched  her  a  looking  at  t'other  one, 
and  a  puckering  up  them  lips  of  her'n,  till  they  looked  like  two 
red  rosberries  jest  a  going  to  drop  off  from  their  bushes.  I  set 
tled  both  hands  back  in  my  pockets  agin,  and  stood  right  up  par- 
pendicular,  as  a  true  born  American  ought  tu. 

"Mann,"  sez  I,  "what  do  you  think  of  the  weather*"  and 
with  that,  I  jest  curled  my  upper  lip  and  gin  her  a  ginnine  grin 
from  one  ear  tu  t'other,  and  sez  I,  "Look  a  here,  inarm,  if  you 
want  tu  do  this  kinder  business  up  harnsome,  take  a  lesson  from 
me ;  I  ile  the  jints  of  my  under  jaw  every  morning.  Them  screw 
larfs  ain't  good  for  the  mouth,  you  may  be  sartin  of  that." 

The  critter,  she  colored  all  over,  till  she  looked  as  sweet  as  a 
pina,  then  a  lot  of  fun  bust  right  into  them  blue  eyes  of  her'n, 
and  her  pesky  leetle  mouth  begun  tu  tremble  and  work  itself 
about,  like  a  red  rosy  a  trying  tu  fold  itself  up  into  a  bud  agin  ; 
and  then  she  bust  right  out  into  a  leetle  finefied  haw-haw  ;  and 
two  leetle  teenty  gals,  dressed  out  in  black,  they  begun  to  titter 
like  two  pigeons  on  a  gutter — pesky  sweet  leetle  varmints — and 
a  smasher  of  a  woman,  that  was  older  than  any  of  'em,  she  jined 
in  and  larfed  sort  of  easy  and  nat'ral,  as  if  she'd  fed  on  nothing 
but  ripe  muskmellons  for  a  hull  fortnight ;  and  then  the  Presi 
dent  he  jined  in,  and  we  ha  I  a  fust  rate  haw-haw,  right  there  in 
the  cabin. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  259 

Jest  then,  a  leetle  chap,  with  an  allfired  swad  of  yaller  hair  a 
sticking  out  all  round  his  head,  cum  in,  and  the  good  natered 
lady  in  the  gray  dress,  she  hitched  on  to  the  President,  and  a 
great  tall  chuckle-headed  feller,  dressed  out  in  frock  and  trousers 
like  a  boy,  Avith  gold  buttons  a  glittering  all  over  his  bosom,  and 
a  streak  of  gold  a  running  across  his  ^shoulder,  he  made  a  dive  at 
the  harnsome  gal  in  the  checkered  frock,  the  consarned  over 
grown  coot !  but  I  jest  then  sidled  right  up  with  my  elbow  ready 
crooked,  and  sez  I,  a  looking  as  peiiite  as  all  natur,  sez  I — 

"  Arter  me  is  manners  for  you." 

The  feller  looked  mad  enough  tu  eat  me  hull,  without  vinegar 
or  sarse — but  I  didn't  seem  to  mind  it.  The  harnsome  gal  had 
clenched  her  white  fingers  over  my  coat  sleeve,  as  loving  as  a 
young  grape  vine  round  a  black  elder  bush ;  and  when  I  git 
hitched  on  to  a  fust  rate  gal,  all  the  fellers  in  creation  may  go  to 
old  Nick,  for  what  I  care.  The  old  Sogers,  they  mixed  in  with 
us  and  the  fellers  with  silk  rosies,  and  out  we  went,  on  deck  and 
down  stairs.  The  music,  it  bust  out  agin,  and  one  of  the  fellers 
with  a  silk  rose,  he  yelled  out,  M  Make  room  for  the  President !" 
so  the  free-born  Americans  on  deck,  they  crowded  back  and 
made  a  lane  for  us. 

"  Make  room  for  the  President  and  his  sweet,"  the  feller  sung 
out  agin. 

Think  sez  I,  u  That  aint  fair  now. ;  the  gal  with  the  President 
is  a  nice  critter  as  ever  lived ;  but  darn  me  if  mine  aint  sweeter 
than  his'n,  a  pesky  sight," — so  I  sung  out,  and  sez  I — 

u  Make  room  for  Jonathan  Slick  and  his  sweet ;"  with  that  I 
took  a  marching  step  and  went  down  stairs  heads  up,  and  with 
the  gal  hanging  on  my  arm,  as  independent  as  a  cork-screw. 
Gaury,  but  wasn't  there  a  feed,  considering  it  was  nothing  but  a 
cold  cut — sich  hunks  of  beef,  and  ham,  and  pork,  and  piles  of 
bread,  and  bottles  of  "  the  critter,"  you  never  sot  eyes  on,  with 
out  it  was  day  arter  thanksgiving.  We  all  sot  down  at  one  eend 
of  the  table,  and  afore  we'd  got  a  single  bite,  the  doors  banged 
open,  and  down  cum  the  free-born  citizens  from  on  de<;k,  helter 
skelter,  higgle-te-pigglety,  black  coats,  red  coats,  blue,  green, 
every  color  on  arth,  and  sogers,  spartans,  tailors,  shoemakers — 
every  sort  of  two-legged  animals  under  'em,  eating  away  for  dear 


260  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    TORK. 

life,  and  a  drinking  like  so  many  house  gutters,  right  afore  the 
face  and  eyes  of  the  President  and  me,  with  all  the  harnsome 
leetle  sweets  a  setting  round  us, — I  swan  tu  man,  it  eenarnost 
sot  me  agin  my  victuals :  and  the  harnsome  gal  by  my  side,  she 
looked  kinder  scared,  as  if  she  hadn't  ought  tu  be  there. 

uTry  and  take  a  bite,  du  nowl"  sez  I,  a  piling  some  cold 
pork  on  her  plate,  "  it  aint  a  mite  rusty,  and  makes  me  feel 
a'most  to  hum,  it  tastes  so  nat'ral." 

She  put  the  leastest  mite  between  them  temptin  lips,  but 
didn't  seem  to  eat  with  a  relish  yet.  "  I  swan,"  sez  I,  a  bending 
down  to  take  a  squint  at  her  face,  "  I  only  wish  I  could  git 
aboard  the  sloop,  and  bring  you  a  prime  bunch  of  young  onions. 
"Wait  a  minit  and  I'll  try?" 

"  Oh,  no,  no,"  sez  the  sweet  critter,  "  I'd  ruther  not — don't 
leave  me,  Mr.  Slick." 

"  Darn  me,  if  I  du — onions  or  no  onions,"  sez  I,  but  I  felt 
kinder  disappointed  though,  for  a  bunch  of  white  onions,  tops 
and  all,  would  a  ben  prime  with  the  cold  pork — howsouiever,  I 
gin  in  as  a  feller  ought  tn,  when  a  gal  is  in  the  case ;  but  I  didn't 
feel  a  bit  satisfied  about  the  stomach.  When  the  President  got 
up  tu  go  on  deck  agin,  I  looked  into  the  gal's  eyes,  and  tried  not 
tu  feel  a  hungry. 

Oh,  par,  I  wish  you'd  a  ben  standing  on  the  deck,  with  us, 
when  we  went  up.  It  was  a  tarnation  harnsome  sight ;  the 
water  was  a  blazing  with  the  sun,  and  a  shining  around  us,  all 
checkered  over  with  boats,  and  sloops,  and  shipping  of  all  sorts. 
then  right  ahead  was  the  hull  city  of  York,  steeples,  housen,  and 
wharves,  piled  together  and  heaped  up  with  people  a  swarming 
down  tu  the  shore,  a  hanging  over  the  water,  and  a  climbing  up 
the  masts  all  along  tho  East  and  North  rivers,  like  bees  in  hiving 
time.  Two  allfired  big  ships  sot  on  the  water,  right  agin  the 
Battery,  with  a  hull  regiment  of  men,  all  dressed  out  in  white,  a 
standing  up  in  the  rigging,  tu  see  the  President  and  us  cum  in. 
The  hills  all  round  Brooklyn,  was  kivered  thick  with  folks  a 
hurraing  and  a  flinging  their  hats  up — and  a  leetle  island  that 
lies  close  up  tu  York,  was  chuck  full  and  a  running  over  with 
human  live  stock. 

When  we  got  agin  the  big  ships,  the  men  in  the  riggin  flur- 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  261 

rished  their  hats,  and  gin  us  a  thundering  loud  hurra.  The 
President  he  took  his  hat  off,  and  I  and  the  old  yaller  chap 
boosted  him  up  onto  a  chair,  that  everybody  might  have  a  good 
squint  at  him.  Mr.  Curtis  wanted  tu  hold  on  tu  his  coat  tail, 
and  make  believe  boost,  but  the  old  yaller  chap  and  I — we  shov 
ed  him  off  about  the  quickest. 

"  Git  out,"  sez  I,  "  git  out !  if  a  President  of  the  United 
States,  can't  stand  without  the  help  of  a  pack  of  office-holders, 
he'd  better  fall  tu  once.  Here's  this  old  revolutionary  soger, 
and  I — the  army,  and  the  people — if  we  can't  keep  him  up,  he'll 
have  tu  go  tu  grass  that's  all !" 

But  while  we  was  talking,  the  two  ships  blazed  away  with 
every  darn'd  gun  in  their  sides,  and  the  sailors  hurraed  agin, 
and  afore  we  knew  it,  a  hull  thunder  cloud  of  hot  smoke  cum 
a  pouring  over  us  all — ca-smash  went  the  chair,  and  the  Presi 
dent  he  pitched  head  for'ard,  right  amongst  the  office  holders. 
The  old  yaller  chap  and  I  shook  our  heads,  and  begun  to  feel  a 
trifle  streaked. 

"  I'm  afeard  he's  a  gone  shote,"  sez  I,  as  the  old  feller  put  his 
cocked  hat  on  agin. 

"  A  unfortunate  accident"  says  a  feller  close  by. 

"  Not  so  unfortunate  as  you  think  for,"  sez  Captin  Tyler,  a 
jumping  up  and  a  nussing  his  nose  with  one  hand,  "  Pve  had 
worse  falls  than  this,  and  riz  agin  arter  all.  Give  us  another 
boost,  feller  citizens — I  stand  ready  for  a  second  boost." 

The  office-holders  made  believe  help  him,  but  Lord  a  massy  I 
they  hadn't  grit  enough  tu  hist  a  grasshopper  out  of  a  bog  of 
swamp  grass ;  but  I  and  the  yaller  gineral,  though,  we  sot  him 
up  as  good  as  new,  afore  half  the  smoke  cleared  off. 

Jest  as  all  was  put  tu  rights  agin,  the  brass  cannon  at  the  eend 
of  our  boat,  let  off  a  blast  of  young  thunder.  "We  gin  the  ship 
a  fust  rate  hurra,  and  the  minit  we  were  a  done,  Oaptin  Doolittle 
and  the  nigger,  they  got  up  a  small  chance  of  a  cheer,  and  let 
off  the  old  gun  agin  right  under  our  starn.  Arter  that,  we  made 
a  curlecue  round  both  the  ships  with  our  music  a  rolling  out  and 
our  flags  a  flying,  and  Captin  Doolittle  he  chased  right  arter 
with  the  red  shirts  a  cutting  capers  from  the  bean-poles ;  and  the 
lee  tie  nigger,  he  stood  on  the  bows  a  rolling  his  eyes  and  a 


262  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

i 

blowing  away  at  Yankee  Doodle  on  a  crooked  fife  like  all  natur. 
I  swan  tu  man,  it  was  enough  tu  set  a  feller's  patriotism  to  work 
ing  like  a  beer  barrel.  "We  giu  the  ship  another  hurra  and  cut  for 
the  Battery,  with  Captin  Dooliitle  and  the  sloop  a  streaking  it 
right  arter ;  the  guns  on  the  little  island  they  bellowed  away  at 
us  as  we  cut  by,  and  the  folks  on  the  Battery,  they  flung  up 
thuir  hats  and  hollered  eenarnost  as  loud  as  the  guns  that  kept 
a  roaring  every  rninit,  till  by-am-by  in  we  went  ca-smash,  right 
amongst  the  trees  and  a  hull  gineral  training  of  sogers.  The 
President  and  us  we  walked  ashore  and  went  right  into  Castle 
Garden.  It  was  chuck  full  of  feller  citizens  and  sogers,  and  the 
mayor  was  a  waitin  for  us  to  cum  up ;  he  measured  off  a  hull 
bilin  of  soft  soap  to  the  captin,  and  then  the  captin  he  stuck  out 
his  right  arm  and  gin  the  mayor  back  as  good  as  he  sent,  with 
a  pint  cup  full  over.  Then  we  went  out  amongst  the  trees,  the 
captin  he  got  on  tn  a  horse  all  finefied  off  with  gold  and  shiny 
leather,  and  then  the  leetle  boys  that  hung  on  the  trees  as  thick 
as  acorns  in  the  fall,  they  gin  us  a  cheer,  and  jest  that  minit 
I  see  the  newsboy  a  leading  my  mare  right  towards  me.  I 
forked  over  a  fourpence-ha'penny  and  got  on  tu  the  critter,  tick 
led  eenamost  tu  death  tu  git  a  chance  tu  sit  down  agin. 

That  mare  is  clear  grit,  par,  and  no  mistake ;  the  music,  and 
the  guns,  and  tho  shoutin,  had  sot  her  blood  a  bilin,  and  she 
danced  about  like  a  two  year  old  colt  jest  off  grass. 

I  rode  through  the  trainers  full  chisel  arter  the  President,  and 
the  colt,  he  cum  a  kickin  up  his  heels  amongst  the  wimmen  and 
children  as  crazy  as  a  bed  bug.  I  pushed  in  close  up  tu  the  cap- 
tin,  and  he  and  I  and  the  rest  on  'em  rode  along  afore  the  sogers 
as  crank  as  you  please.  But  the  mare,  she  didn't  seem  tu  like 
the  way  they  pinted  them  guns  at  her,  and  once  in  a  while  she'd 
kick  up  and  grow  a  leetle  sarcy,  and  snort  right  in  their  faces 
like  a  tin  toot-horn  about  dinner  time.  When  we'd  got  about 
half  way  through  the  sogers — and  it  seemed  as  if  all  creation 
had  got  intn  regimentals  jest  then — the  mare  she  got  anxious 
about  the  colt,  and  sot  up  a  whinner  that  a'most  shook  me  off 
from  her  back.  I  tried  tu  make  her  git  along,  but  she  only  bust 
out  in  a  new  spot,  dug  her  hoofs  close  tu  tho  ground  and  lacked 
into  the  crowd  till  I  got  wrathy  as  all  natur  with  her ;  b^t  the 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  203 

more  I  paid  the  gad  on,  the  worse  she  got,  till  by-am-by  site 
stood  stock  still,  a  shakin  her  head,  a  stompin  with  her  fore  foot, 
and  a  yellin  arter  the  colt  like  a  lovesick  gal. 
.  The  President  he  was  a  gitting  ahead,  and  the  darn'd  coots  all 
around,  begun  to  larf  and  poke  fun  at  us,  when  the  colt  he  cum 
a  scampering  through  the  trees,  and  a  scattering  huh1  squads  of 
wimmen,  and  boys,  and  babies,  every  jump,  till  he  ended  ofi'  in 
a  crazy  caper,  all  around  the  mare  and  me.  This  pacified  the 
critter,  and  arter  whinnering  over  the  colt  a  leetle,  she  jogged 
on  as  meek  as  a  cosset  lamb,  and  the  colt  he  follered  close  tu, 
till  I  came  up  with  the  captin  agin,  and  then  he'd  stop  every 
once  in  a  while,  and  face  about,  look  right  into  the  sogers'  eyes, 
so  arnest,  that  they  couldn't  help  but  bust  out  a  larfin,  if  the 
President  and  I  was  a  lookin  at  'em. 

It  was  about  the  greatest  show  that  I  ever  sot  eyes  on.  The 
Battery  is  one  of  the  harnsomest  spots  on  arth,  all  kivered  with 
grass,  and  chuck  full  of  trees,  and  a  hull  army  of  sogers,  some 
in  brown  regimentals,  some  in  green,  with  yaller  feathers,  and 
some  in  red,  yaller,  blue,  and  all  sorts  of  colors,  a  wheelin  round 
under  the  trees,  was  enough  to  make  a  feller  proud  of  his 
country. 

When  we  got  to  the  gate,  which  opens  at  the  eend  of  Broad 
way,  Captin  Tyler  he  got  into  a  carriage,  and  wanted  me  to  git 
in  tu,  but  I  was  afeard  to  leave  the  mare,  and  so  Kobert  Tyler, 
the  chap  with  the  yaller  hair,  we  agreed  to  hitch  tackle,  and 
ride  aloug  with  one  another.  A  hull  army  of  sogers  with  their 
drums  a  beating,  and  colors  a  flying,  went  ahead ;  Robert  Tyler 
and  I,  and  the  colt,  and  a  hull  squad  of  other  great  men  cuin 
next,  and  then  come  on  the  President  with  his  hat  off,  and  a 
bowin  to  all  the  winders  and  stoops  as  he  went  along.  "Wasn't 
them  winders  and  ruffs  and  stoops  a  sight  tu  behold!  Every 
square  of  glass,  and  every  railing  that  a  critter  could  hold  on  to 
was  kivered  with  folks.  In  my  hull  life,  I  never  see  so  many 
hnrnsome  gals.  It  seemed  as  if  every  man  in  York,  had  hung 
out  a  sample  of  his  family,  for  the  fellers  to  pick  and  choose 
from.  I  swan  tu  man,  if  it  didn't  seem  to  me  as  if  all  the  gals 
in  creation  was  a  swarming  round  the  President  and  I,  like  yal 
ler  butterflies  round  a  mud  hole,  all  jn  'em  anxious  for  a  smile 


2H4  HIGH    LIFE    IX    KKW    YOKK. 

at  one  or  t'other  on  us.  It  made  the  blood  kinder  tingle  all  ovel 
me  to  feel  that  hull  battery  of  bright  eyes  a  pouring  fire  down 
on  us.  I  raly  don't  see  how  the  President  stood  it!  He 
couldn't,  if  the  crowds  of  free  born  citizens  that  swarmed  every 
step  of  the  way,  layer  on  layer,  hadn't  kept  him  a  shakin  hands 
out  of  the  carriage  a'most  every  step,  till  he  was  clear  tuckered 
out,  and  a'most  wilted  down  in  ther:arriage,  long  afore  we  got 
up  the  Express  office.  When  the  news  boys  see  me  and  the  colt, 
they  sot  up  a  hurra  that  outdid  anything  I'd  heard  since  we 
come  away  from  the  Battery,  all  the  purty  gals  waved  their 
hankerchers  about,  and  every  winder  was  jammed  full,  and  all 
on  'em  a  lookin  straight  at  me  and  Bob  Tyler  and  the  colt.  So 
I  lifted  my  right  hand  kinder  slow,  and  took  off  the  old  bell- 
crown — I  drew  in  the  bridle  so  as  to  make  the  mare  caper  about 
right,  and  made  six  bows  one  arter  t'other,  till  my  forred  near 
about  touched  the  old  marefc  neck. 

They  gin  me  three  more  cheers  of  the  tallest  kind,  as  they  say 
in  York,  but  when  I  looked  round,  there  was  Bob  Tyler  with  his 
hat  off,  and  a  shakin  that  swad  of  yallerhair  about,  jest  as  if  our 
news  boys  would  cheer  him,  or  any  body  else,  when  /  was  a 
goin  by ! 

''That's  right,  Mr.  Slick,"  sezhe,  when  he  see  my  bell-crown  off. 

"  Par  the  President  must  be  a'most  tired  to  death,  a  bowin 
and  a  shakin  hands  so  much,  it's  quite  proper  that  you  and  I 
should  do  a  little  on  it  for  him." 

"  "Wai,"  think  sez  I,  "  if  you  aint  a  self-conceited  critter,  I 
don't  know  who  is,"  but  the  feller  looked  as  innocent  as  a  lamb, 
and  I  was  afeard  he'd  feel  about  as  sheepish  as  if  I  let  out  on  him 
— so  I  put  my  bell-crown  on  agin,  with  a  leetle  knock  at  the  top, 
for  I  had  to  settle  the  grit  somehow,  and  sez  I, 

"  Wai,  Mr.  Tyler — to  git  on  a  new  subject — how'll  you  swap 
horses  ? — say  my  mare  and  colt  agin  that  harnsouie  critter  of 
your'n,  saddle  and  bridle  thrown  in  ?" 

The  feller  kinder  smiled,  but  didn't  answer  right  off,  so  I  jest 
turned  about,  and  leaned  one  hand  on  the  old  mare's  cropper, 
while  I  whistled  the  colt  up  tu  us,  and  pinted  out  his  harnsome 
head  and  chist,  and  the  clean  notion  that  he  has  got  of 
out  his  legs. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  265 

"  He's  a  smart  critter,  I  can  tell  you,"  sez  I ;  "  and  as  for  the  old 
mare  here,  she's  worth  her  weight  in  silver  dollars.  Haint  got 
but  one  fault  on  arth." 

"And  what's  that  ?"  sez  Mr.  Eobert  Tyler,  sez  he. 

u  Why,  she's  troubled  with  the  botts  a  leetle,  once  in  a  while, 
but  it  aint  no  thin  worth  mentionin." 

Mr.  Robert  Tyler  he  give  a  start,  and  he  turned  as  white  as 
skim  milk  in  the  face.  Sez  he,  all  in  a  twitter,  sez  he,  "Don't 
mention  it,  Mr.  Slick.  My  par,  the  President,  wouldn't  let  a 
horse  go  into  his  stable  that  had  ever  gin  symptoms  of  the  botts. 
It's  an  awful  disease.  Don't  mention  it  to  him,  for  he'd  never 
git  over  it  if  you  did !" 

"Wai,  then,  I  s'pose  we  can't  trade,"  sez  I.  "  Think  on  it  agin. 
Mebby  you'll  change  your  mind  to-morrow." 

"  Hello !"  sez  I  agin.  "  What's  that.  Captin  Tyler's  druv  hia 
carriage  right  out  of  the  ranks,  aft  is  gone  fair  split  down 
Broome  street." 

Mr.  Robert  Tyler  he  turned  his  horse,  and  he  and  I  and  the 
colt  took  arter  the  President  full  chisel.  We  cum  up  with  him 
jest  as  he  was  a  gittin  out  before  the  Howard  Hotel.  He  was  so 
beat  out  and  tuckered  down  that  I  raly  felt  sorry  for  him  ;  for 
arter  all  that  folks  say,  I  believe  that  he's  a  good  hearted  old 
chap,  and  wants  to  du  the  thing  that's  about  right,  if  he  could 
only  be  sartin  what  it  was.  He  couldn't  but  jest  hold  up  his 
head,  and  had  tu  go  to  the  Theatre  yit.  As  I  was  a  looking  at 
him,  a  notion  cum  intu  my  head,  and,  sez  I — 

"  Captin,  jest  put  on  your  hat  a  minit,  and  drive  down  to  the 
sloop — I've  got  somethin  there  that'll  make  your  nose  tingle,  and 
ehirk  you  right  up,  till  you'll  be  as  chipper  as  a  squirrel  in  the 
tall  time." 

Captain  Tyler  he  got  right  up,  and  sez  he — "  I'll  do  anything 
on  arth  that'll  make  me  feel  better."  "  Mr.  Robert,"  sez  I,  "  tell 
the  gals  that  we'll  come  back  right  off" — so  down  we  went,  I 
helped  the  President  into  the  carriage,  and  in  less  .than  no  time 
we  got  out  and  went  aboard  the  sloop. 

"  Captain  Doolittle  had  gone  ashore,  and  there  wasn't  nobody 
aboard  but  the  leetle  nigger.  I  sent  him  to  the  wharf  for  a 
pitcher  of  cold  Croton  water,  and  then  I  asked  the  President 


»66  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

down  into  the  cabin.  It  was  cleared  out,  and  swept  as  neat  as 
a  new  pin.  The  table  that  stood  in  the  middle  of  the  cabin  was 
ecoured  off  as  white  as  milk,  and  Captain  Doolittle  he'd  hucg  up 
the  checkered  cnrtins  that  marm  made  for  him,  right  over  the 
highest  berth,  till  it  looked  as  temptin  as  our  spare  bed.  I  gin 
the  Captin  a  chair,  and  he  sot  his  hat  down  on  the  table,  close 
by  old  bell-crown,  while  I  opened  a  locker  and  took  out  a  hull 
dishfull  of  doughnuts  that  marm  biled  up  for  me  afore  I  cum 
away.  Just  as  I'd  sot  them  on  the  table,  the  nigger  cum  with 
the  cold  water.  I  took  it  tip  tu  the  locker,  and  filled  in  with 
vinegar  and  lasses  enough  to  make  it  prime  switchel,  such  as 
marm  mixes  up  for  the  workin  hands  since  you  took  the  pledge, 
par.  "When  I  stirred  it  up  well,  and  took  a  swig,  to  see  if  it  was 
the  rale  critter,  I  got  a  tumbler,  and  arter  filling  one  for  the  Pre 
sident,  I  sot  down,  and  sez  I  — 

"  Now,  Captin,  make  ycWself  to  hum,  and  take  hold." 
.  He  didn't  need  much  urgin,  for  the  switchel  was  ginuine  stuff, 
sweety  and  yet  sort  of  tart,  and  cool  as  a  cowcumber,  and  the 
doughnuts  beat  all  natur. 

The  President  hadn't  eat  more  than  half  a  dozen,  and  had  his 
tumbler  filled  about  as  often,  afore  he  begun  to  chirk  up,  and 
look  as  good  as  new  agin. 

"  Mr.  Slick,"  sez  he,  "  this  is  what  I  call  livin,"  but  my  month 
was  half  full  of  a  middling-sized  doughnut,  and  I  had  to  wash  it 
down  afore  I  could  answer. 

"  Help  yourself,  Captin  ;  don't  be  afeard — there's  enough  more 
where  these  cum  from,"  sez  I,  a  swollering  the  last  mouthful. 

"  Wai,  I  think  I've  done  pnrty  well,"  sez  he,  a  stretching  his- 
self  up  and  putting  his  hands  in  his  pockets,  "  I  raly  begin  to 
feel  like  myself  agin ;  that's  excellent  drink  of  yourn,  aint  it, 
Mr.  Slick?" 

"  Coolin,"  sez  I,  u  and  ruther  toothsome ;  shall  I  mix  another 
pitcher,  captin?" 

"  No,  not  now,"  sez  he,  "  but  I  wish  you'd  write  me  ont  a 
receipt." 

u  I'll  do  it,"  sez  I,  u  and  glad  of  the  chance,  for  darn  me  if  I 
baint  took  a  sort  of  a  notion  to  you ;  my  opinion  is  that  you're 
a  rale  ginuine  feller,  if  them  consarned  politicians  would  only  let 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  26*7 

you  be ;  all  yon  want  is  a  downright  honest  chap  that'll  tell  you 
the  truth  right  out,  and  that  you  can  trust,  he'd  be  worth  a  hull 
bilin  of  Whigs,  or  Loco-focos  either." 

"But  where  is  he  to  be  found?"  sez  the  President,  sort  of 
melancholy. 

"Look  a  here!"  sez  I,  a  flingin  one  arm  over  the  chair  and  a 
leaning  t'other  elbow  on  the  table  ;  "  look  a  here !" 

The  President  he  sot  with  both  hands  in  his  pockets  a  looking 
right  in  my  face  for  ever  so  long,  and  sez  he  at  last,  sez  he — 

"  Mr.  Slick,  will  you  go  back  with  me  to  the  hotel,  and  sleep 
with  me  to-night?  I  want  to  have  some  talk  with  you :  of  course 
you'll  go  with  us  to  the  Park  Theatre  ?" 

"  With  all  the  pleasure  in  natur,"  sez  I,  "  and  we'd  better  be 
a-goin ;  take  another  swig  of  the  pitcher,  captin,  and  stow  away 
some  of  the  doughnuts  in  your  pockets,  they'll  be  prime  at  the 
Theatre." 

The  President  said  he'd  eat  enough,  so  as  I  was  a  fullering  up 
my  own  advice,  he  got  up  and  was  a  puttin  on  his  gloves,  when 
he  see  his  own  pictur  a  hanging  by  Captin  Doolittle's  berth,  and 
I  could  see  that  he  was  kinder  tickled  with  it. 

"  Captin  Doolittle  aint  much  of  a  politician,"  sez  I,  "  but  he 
bought  that  picter  because  he  parsists  that  it  proves  you  to  be 
the  most  consistent  President  that  ever  lived,  when  you  veto  so 
many  bills." 

"  How  does  my  face  prove  that,"  sez  he,  looking  sort  of 
puzzled. 

"  Why,"  sez  I,  '•'  he  sez  that  a  man  that  runs  so  ginerally  to 
nose  can'c  be  expected  to  say  yes  when  he  don't  want  to." 

''"he  President  he  bust  right  out  a  larfin,  and  with  that  I  took 
Old  bell-crown,  and  arter  sending  the  nigger  to  put  up  the  mare 
and  colt  I  follered  on  to  the  hotel ;  but  it's  gittin  late  and  I  can't 
write  any  more  till  next  week ;  but  mebby  you'll  hear  from  me 
then,  for  the  President  and  I  went  to  the  Theatre,  and  slept  to 
gether,  and  are  as  thick  as  three  in  a  bed  jest  now,  and  if  he 
haint  no  objections  I  shall  write  all  about  it,  but  'twill  be  jest  as 
>t  takes  my  notion  whether  I  send  it  right  on  or  print  it. 

I  send  you  my  pictur  and  the  captin's  tu,  but  it  was  engraved 


268  HIGH    L1FK    IN    NEW    YOKK. 

in  a  hurry,  aud  aint  nigh  on  so  harnsorae  as  either  on  us;  by-am- 
by  I'll  set  tor  another,  and  then  you'll  see  a  chap  worth  while  a 
figgering  in  the  Express  agin.  Your  dutiful  son, 

JONATHAN  SUOK. 


LETTER  XXVII. 

JONATHAN  SLICK  IN  NEW  YORK. 

Jonathan  attends  the  President  at  the  Howard  House — Visits  the 
Park  Theatre  with  the  President  and  his  Handsome  Girl — Goes 
with  Mr.  Robert  Tyler  to  have  his  Hair  Cut  at  Clairhugh's — Takes 
Refreshments  with  the  Ladies  at  the  Howard  House — Bed-chamber 
Scene  with  the  President — Serenade,  &c. 

DEAE  PAR: 

I  begin  tu  feel  a  leetle  sort  of  batter,  but  nothing  to  brag  on 
yit.  I  raly  believe  that  I'd  a  been  a  gone  sucker,  if  it  hadn't 
been  for  the  mustard  plasters  and  the  onions  that  Cap  tin  Doolit- 
tle  kept  a  filling  into  me,  outside  and  in,  till  I  can  a'most  feel 
myself  sprouting  out  greener  than  ever,  and  twice  as  strong. 
My  gracious !  when  this  ere  influenza  does  git  hold  of  a  feller, 
it  aint  a  critter  that  you  can  scare  off  in  a  hurry.  It's  the  worst 
kind  of  a  Down  East  cold,  double  and  twisted  strong ;  and  if  you 
don't  humor  it  like  a  cosset  lamb,  jest  as  like  as  not  it  ups  and 
goes  off,  stuboy,  into  a  galloping  consumption ;  and  the  worst  on 
it  is,  it  carries  you  off  with  it,  whether  you  will  or  no. 

Let  me  see ;  I  was  a  telling  you  about  the  President,  and  how 
he  seemed  tu  enjoy  the  doughnuts  and  switchel  aboard  the  sloop. 
The  old  chap  took  tu  it  like  a  nussin  baby,  and  if  he  wasn't  clear 
grit,  and  no  mistake,  arter  it,  I  don't  know  the  symptoms  of 
prime  living. 

Wai,  we  went  back  to  the  Howard  Hotel,  and  the  President 
he  jumped  out  of  the  carriage  as  spry  as  a  kitten,  and  both  on 
us  run  up  the  steps  that  open  out  of  Maiden  Lane,  to  git  rid  of 
a  hull  swad  of  office-holders  that  was  a  hurraing  at  the  front 
door  in  Broadway. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  269 

The  President  he  took  off  his  hat,  and  slicked  down  his  hair 
a  leetle  in  the  entry-way,  and  I  pulled  up  rny  dickey  a  trifle,  ana 
hauled  out  a  corner  of  my  yaller  hankercher,  and  sez  I — 

"  Cap  tin,  go  ahead,  I'm  all  ready." 

We  went  right  intu  the  harnsomest  room  that  I  ever  sot  eyed 
on  in  my  hull  life.  Nothing  that  I  ever  see  at  the  Astor  House 
was  a  primin  to  it.  The  carpeting  was  all  finefied  off,  and  cur- 
lecued  with  posies,  and  green  leaves,  and  morning-glory  vines 
went  a  twistitying  all  over  it  as  nat'ral  as  life,  and  all  on  'em 
seemed  kinder  tangled  up  and  trying  to  unsnarl  all  over  the  floor, 
till  it  raly  seemed  like  treading  on  a  patch  of  wild  pos'.es,  with 
the  moonshine  a  streamin  over  it ;  you  would  a'most  smell  the 
roses  when  a  feller  sot  his  foot  on  a  bunch  on  'em,  they  were 
pictered  out  so  nat'ral  and  teinptin. 

The  President,  he  sidled  off  to  one  of  the  cushioned  benches, 
and  sot  down  right  in  a  swad  of  the  harnsomest  of  the  gals  that 
sot  in  the  room.  They  squeezed  together  tu  make  room  for  him, 
and  larfed  so  good  natered,  and  looked  all  in  a  twitter  they  was 
eo  tickled  tu  git  him  among  'em ;  and  there  I  was,  eenamost 
alone,  a  standin  up  parpindicular,  and  a  feelin  as  streaked  as  a 
pair  of  old  cotton  trousers  in  washing  time.  That  pesky  harn- 
some  critter  that  wore  the  checkered  frock  aboard  the  boat,  she 
got  nigh  agin  the  door,  so  when  she  see  me  a  standin  there,  she 
pinted  with  that  leetle  white  hand  of  her'n,  and  sez  she — 

"  Why  don't  you  take  a  seat,  Mr.  Slick  ?" 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  a  bowin,  "  I  don't  care  if  I  du,  jest  to  oblige 
you ;;'  so  down  I  sot,  but  the  cushion  give  so,  that  I  sprung  right 
up  on  eend  agin,  and  when  I  see  it  rise  up  as  shiney  and  smooth 
as  ever,  I  looked  at  her,  and  sez  I — 

"  Did  you  ever!" 

"  It's  elastic,"  sez  she,  a  puckering  up  her  mouth. 

"  I  don't  know  the  name  on  it,"  sez  I,  "  but  it  gives  like  an 
old  friend,  so  I'll  try  it  agin." 

"  These  cushions  are  very  beautiful  and  pleasant,"  sez  she. 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  a  spreadin  tay  hankercher  over  the  cushion  and 
a  settin  down,  "  they're  as  soft  and  blue  as  them  tarnal  sweet 
eyes  of  your'n,  but  not  half  so  bright." 

She  k'nder  larfed  a  leetle  cozy,  and  begun  tu  play  with  a  tosse) 


'270  HIGH    LIFE    IX    XKW    YORK. 

that  hung  to  a  corner  of  her  seat,  and  then  she  went  to  talkin 
with  the  fat  woman  that  sot  t'other  side,  like  all  possessed — the 
darned  tanterlizin  varmint. 

The  President  he  was  as  chipper  as  a  blackbird,  with  the  gals 
around  him  a  smiling  and  a  twitterin  as  tickled  as  so  many  trout 
round  a  bait.  It  raly  made  my  dander  rise  tu  see  it,  and  me  a 
Bettin  there  as  lonesome  as  git-out.  There,  jest  afore  me  on  the 
wall,  was  a  great  smashin  pictur, — a  rale  j*n  of  gold,  with  a  man 
and  a  woman  a  huggin  and  kissin,  and  a  lookin  into  each  other's 
eyes,  right  in  the  middle  on  it, — as  if  there  wasn't  enough  rale 
live  temptin  critters  to  rile  a  feller  up  without  tanterlizin  him 
with  picturs  tu. 

I  say,  par,  did  you  ever  see  a  checkered  adder  a  charmin  a 
bird,  with  his  head  stuck  up  in  the  sun,  and  kinder  slanted  a  one 
side, — his  mouth  wide  open,  and  that  are  leetle  forked  tongue  a 
tremblin  in  the  middle  on  it,  as  if  it  was  sot  to  dancin  by  that 
lazy  hum,  hum,  hum,  that  comes  etarnally  a  bilin  up  from  the 
pison  critter's  throat  ?  Haint  you  never  observed  the  purty  bird, 
half  scared  tu  death,  and  yit  a  flutterin  closer  and  closer  to  the 
varmint,  till  by-am-by,  she  lights  right  in  his  jaw,  and  lies  a 
twitterin  there  while  he's  a  *waUerin  it  hull  ?  Wai,  par,  jest  take 
away  the  pison,  and  you've  some  idee  how  I  and  old  bell-crown 
come  the  soft  sodder  round  that  gal ;  but  I  didn't  want  to  git  her 
to  hankering  arter  me  tn  much,  for  nothin  on  arth  is  so  likely 
to  cure  a  chap  of  a  love-sick  fit,  as  to  see  the  gal  a  gittin  tu  strong 
a  notion  arter  him ;  so  I  gin  my  fingers  another  snap,  to  change 
the  tune,  and  tapered  of  into  Old  Hundred  with  a  touch  of  Green- 
bank,  and  that  froze  b^r  down,  eyes,  feet  and  all,  in  less  than  no 
time. 

The  Theatre  was  chuck  full  of  folks,  and  the  mi  nit  we  went 
in,  the  hull  bilin  on  'em  got  up  and  begun  to  fling  their  hats  about 
and  yell  agin  like  all  possessed.  I  tell  you  what,  par,  these  ere 
Yorkers  are  nigh  about  tickled  tu  death  to  think  that  I've  cum 
back  agin  The  President  and  I,  we  both  pot  up  and  laid  our 
hands  aginst  our  vest  pockets  on  the  left  side,  and  then  we  begun 
tu  grin  like  two  'vhipporwills  in  a  black  alder  bush,  and  sot  tu 
bowin  and  rollin  up  our  eyes,  till  they  went  at  it  a  consnrned 
sight  wore  fenrce  than  ever.  Arter  they  begun  to  cool  down  a 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  271 

trifle,  the  President  and  I,  we  sot  down  on  one  of  the  front  bench 
es  ;  so  1  jest  gin  the  harnsome  gal  a  wink  to  set  down  close  tu 
t'other  side,  and  then  the  hull  on  'em  begun  tu  pile  in,  till  we 
cut  about  as  harnsome  a  dash  as  a'most  anybody  need  tu  see. 

The  mayor,  he  was  a  goin  tu  set  down  by  the  President,  but 
when  he  see  me,  of  course  he  gin  away,  and  sot  on  t'other  seat. 

Jest  then  the  curtain  cum  down  ca-chunk,  and  the  folks  all  riz 
and  gin  me  three  cheers  that  made  the  blood  bile  in  my  heart 
like  maple  sap  in  a  sugar  kittle.  Then  a  leetle,  lank,  office-seekin 
chap  sticks  hisself  up  in  the  back  seats,  and  yelled  out,  "  Three 
cheers  for  the  President." 

But  lord  a  marcy,  cheers  aint  to  be  hauled  out  of  a  crowd  of 
free-born  citizens  like  fish  from  a  mill  pond.  Two  or  three  mean 
looking  shotes  like  him  squealed  out  "  Hurra !"  but  that  bait 
•wasn't  temptin  enough  for  known  fish.  I  didn't  want  to  make 
the  President  feel  bad,  nor  jealous,  nor  nothin,  so  I  jest  gin  old 
belUcrown  a  whirl,  and  hollered  out,  "Three  cheers  for  my 
friend,  the  captin." 

Gaury,  didn't  they  let  into  it  then  !  the  ruff  with  all  its  pic- 
turs  and  curlecues  seemed  a  liftin  right  up  from  the  walls,  hats 
and  hankerchers  streamed  out ;  and  sich  a  blast  of  human  thun 
der  aint  heerd  every  night  at  the  Park  Theatre. 

"That'll  du,"  sez  I,  a  sinkin  old  bell-crown,  and  letting  my 
self  off  in  a  bow  like  an  iled  jack-knife.  "  That  '11  du.  Now, 
captin,  I  guess  we'd  better  go  hum." 

"But  I've  got  to  goto  the  Chatham  Theatre  yit,"  sez  the 
President,  a  takin  up  his  hat.  "  The  Democracy,  the  Democracy, 
you  know,  Mr.  Slick,  that  must  be  our  fust  consideration." 

"You  aint  a  goin,  Mr.  Slick?"  sez  the  harnsome  gal,  a  lookin 
with  them  two  eyes  right  into  mine,  and  a  clinchin  them  ere 
white  fingers  over  the  edge  of  old  bell  crown. 

"•  I  ruther  guess  not,"  sez  I,  a  droppin  my  yaller  hankercher 
over  that  pesky  white  hand,  for  it  looked  so  temptin  that  I  was 
afeard  the  President  would  want  to  git  hold  on  it,  and  somehow 
a  President  al'ers  does  purty  much  as  he's  a  mind  to  with  the 
gals,  except  now  and  then  one  that's  got  a  right  idee  of  her  place. 

""Wai,"  sez  I,  "captin,  if  you're  detarmined  to  tackle  in  with 
that  armrnal  that  you  jest  mentioned,  make  up  your  mind  to  cut 


272  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    TORK. 

your  own  fodder.  I  go  for  human  natur  in  giiural — the  best 
part  of  natur  I  take  to  be  the  wimmen  folks — so,  if  you'd  jest 
as  lives,  I'll  stay  and  go  hum  with  the  gals." 

With  that,  Capjin  Tyler  and  the  mayor,  and  the  chaps  with 
the  silk  rosies  went  off;  but  Robert  Tyler  and  I  jest  hitched  ontu 
the  wimmen  critters,  and  took  them  hum  to  the  Howard  Hotel. 
The  landlord,  he  sent  us  some  drink  that  was  enough  to  make 
your  eyes  water,  besides  a  great  dish  of  pine-apples  sliced  up, 
sugared  off  and  with  wine  poured  all  over  'em,  that  he  sot  right 
under  the  glass  dish  full  of  fire,  where  they  lay  yaller  and  shiny 
enougli  to  tempt  a  tee-totaler  to  break  bis  pledge.  The  wimmen 
they  all  drawed  up  round  the  table,  and  while  they  were  laying 
into  the  eatables  and  drinkables,  I  jest  sidled  round  to  the  harn- 
some  gal  and  took  one  of  mann's  doughnuts  out  of  my  pocket, 
and  I  slid  it  into  her  hand.  I  gin  her  a  wink,  and,  sez  I, 

"Keep  dark,  I  don't  want  tu  be  mean,  nor  nothin ;  I  haint  got 
enough  to  go  all  round." 

She  was  so  tickled  that  she  turned  red  all  over,  and  eenamost 
larfed  out ;  but  she  took  the  hint  and  rolled  the  doughnut  up  in 
her  hankercher,  not  to  make  the  rest  jealous. 

Jest  then,  I  slipped  out  and  run  down  tu  the  sloop,  for  I  felt  a 
dry  agin,  and  them  pine-apples  made  me  feel  sort  of  womble- 
cropped  about  the  stomach.  Your  dutiful  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICE. 


LETTER  XXVIII. 

JONATHAN  SLICE  IN  NEW   TOKK. 

Jonathan  goes  to  see  Mr.  Macready — Description  of  the  Theatre — In 
troduces  himself  to  a  Handsome  Girl  at  the  Theatre — Enters  into  a 
Flirtation — Promises  to  Visit  her — Jonathan  takes  a  Novel  Method 
of  providing  himself  with  a  Fashionable  Dress — Quarrels  with  Cap 
tain  Doolittle — Is  reconciled,  and  starts  off  to  mako  a  Morning  Cull 
on  the  Handsome  Girl. 

DEAR  PAR: 

Here  I  am  agin,  safe  and  sound,  large  as  life,  and  chipper  as  a 
grasshopper  on  a  high  rock  in  a  sunshiny  day.     I  tell  VOH  what. 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICK.  27.3 

a  few  ginuine  huskings  to  hum,  with  purty  gals  to  put  the  music 
in  a  feller's  elbows,  as  he  strips  the  husks  off  from  the  corn,  ig 
jest  the  sort  of  occasions  to  put  the  grit  into  a  feller  from  top  to 
toe— jest  top  them  off  with  an  apple  cut  or  so,  sich  as  we  had  to 
our  house  when  you  and  inarm  cut  about  amongst  the  gals  and 
the  young  chaps,  like  two  spring  colts  jest  let  out  to  grass ;  and 
taper  the  hull  off  with  a  week  sich  as  I  had  a  ropin  onions  with 
Judy  White,  with  her  pesky  red  pouters  a  one  side,  and  two  or 
three  prim  Weathersfield  gals  on  t'other  a  turning  their  good  na- 
tured  eyes  at  a  feller  every  string,  till  his  heart  is  a  cuttin  pigeon 
wings  agin  his  ribs  to  the  music  of  their  larf— jest  let  a  chap  get 
used  to  that  sort  o'pastur,  and  consarn  me,  if  it  don't  do  more  to 
wards  making  a  ginuine  man  of  him  than  a  hull  etarnity  of  York 
life,  where  every  other  man  and  gal  you  meet  have  got  their 
hearts  so  tarnally  used  up,  that  they  have  to  lean  agin  their  back 
bones  to  rest  more  than  half  the  time,  and  likely  as  not  get  sound 
to  sleep  at  that. 

The  old  sloop  jest  hit  the  nail  on  the  head,  and  hauled  into 
Peck  Slip  the  night  arter  Mr.  Macready,  a  smashin  actor  from 
the  old  country,  got  to  the  Park  Theatre,  where  he's  been  n  act 
ing  out  things  that'd  make  your  hair  stand  right  up  an  eend  eena- 
jest  to  see  it.  I  tell  you  what,  he's  a  hull  team  and  a  horse  to 
let — no  mistake  in  that. 

Did  you  ever  see  a  race  horse  up  on  eend  for  a  run,  with  his 
neck  curled  over  like  an  ox  bow,  and  Lis  skin  shinen  like  a  junk 
bottle  ?  Did  you  ever  look  into  the  critter's  eyes,  and  see  the 
fire  dancing  through  the  black  ?— arnimal  lightning,  every  darned 
spark  on  it.  If  you've  seen  that  are,  then  you've  got  some  idee 
of  the  allfired  smashin  critter  that  my  arm  was  eenamost  girting 
afore  I  took  a  squint  at  her  face. 

Wai,  she  squinched  a  trifle  and  gin  a  leetle  start,  and  then  gin 
me  a  look  with  them  etarnal  long  big  eyes  that  made  me  a'most 
jump  on  eend,  and  yit  I  sot  like  a  great  gawk  a  staring  right 
intu  her  face,  jest  as  if  I  hadn't  no  marners.  Quill  wheels  and 
cheese  presses !  wasn't  that  critter  something  worth  while !  sich 
lips— red  as  a  blood  beet,  and  shiny  as  a  harnful  of  wintergreen 
berries  t  Consarn  it,  if  ther'd  been  a  honey  bee  in  the  theatre, 
he  couldn't  a  kept  from  lighting  right  between  'em ;  and  if  he 
18 


274  HIGH    UFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

didn't  find  the  breath  as  sweet  agin  as  all  the  honey  he  ever 
stole  from  a  clover  top,  I  must  a  been  darndly  cheated  by  the 
looks  on  'em — that's  jest  it.  Her  neck,  and  that  great  broad  1'or- 
red  of  her'u,  looked  sort  brown  and  slick,  alike  a  hazlenut  jest 
afor*>  it  rattles  from  the  shuck  ;  and  I  never  see  a  crow  a  flying 
in  the  hot  sun  so  black  and  shiny,  as  the  thick  swad  of  hair  that 
hong  braided  and  twistified  up  with  gold  chains,  rale  ginuine  gold, 
al'  round  that  harnsome  head  of  her'n.  I  swan  tu  man,  she  was 
the  fast  gal  that  ever  made  Jonathan  Slick  feel  as  if  he  wasn't 
tu  hum  in  good  company.  Our  black  colt,  with  his  taperin  limbs, 
that  soft  shiny  mane,  and  them  eyes  that  seemed  to  ketch  fire 
when  the  sun  strikes  'em — is  about  as  much  like  a  common  cider 
mill  horse,  as  she  is  like  the  generality  of  wimmin  folks.  She 
was  eenajest  as  tall  as  I  be,  and  big  enough  every  way  to  match 
— a  rale  downright  sneezer  of  a  gal,  that  a'most  took  away  my 
breath  every  time  my  eye  ketched  her'n :  and  consarn  me,  if  that 
wasn't  every  two  seconds  while  I  sot  there. 

TVal,  there  we  sot  and  sot,  till  the  curtin  right  afore  us  came 
down  ca-chunk  agin  the  floor,  and  all  the  folks  riz  up  as  if  it 
was  i  ime  tu  be  a  goin.  The  gal  got  up,  took  the  bottle  and  han- 
kercher  in  one  hand,  and  seemed  tu  be  kinder  lookin  around  for 
something.  I  was  jest  a  crookin  my  elbow,  and  had  eenamost 
said,  "  Shall  I  have  the  pleasure  to  see  you  hum  marm  ?"  as  we 
do  at  singin  school,  when  a  feller  that  had  been  settin  right  be 
hind  us  riz  up  and  stuck  out  his  hand  as  nat'ral  as  git  out. 

The  gal  kinder  gin  a  turn,  and  while  she  made  bleeve  pin  her 
shawl,  chucked  a  piece  o'  paper  into  my  hand,  and  put  the  con- 
sarned  little  hand  that  I'd  been  a  nussing  in  mine,  right  through 
that  tall  chap's  arm,  and  went  olf  as  if  nothing  was  the  matter. 
I  turned  round  like  a  great  gawk,  and  took  arter  em.  I  jest 
ketched  one  squint  at  them  tarnal  black  eyes  and  at  a  swad  o' 
hair  that  stuck  out  on  his  upper  lip,  like  a  gray  cat's  whiskers, 
and  then  I  found  myself  standing,  like  any  other  darned  coot,  all 
alone  under  a  street  lamp,  a  tryin  to  cypher  out  the  leetle  fine- 
fied  words  writ  out  on  that  piece  o'  paper.  Arter  a  good  deal 
of  extra  spellin  I  found  out  the  meanin,  and  that  was  an  invite 
to  come  and  see  that  gal  in  the  morning,  at  a  house 
iu . 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  2 To 

"Wai,  I  did  the  paper  up,  put  both  hands  in  my  trousers  pock- 
t>-s,  and  arter  lookin  at  myself  from  top  to  toe,  sez  I— 

"  Jonathan  Slick,  you  must  be  a  consarned  sight  harnsomer 
chap  than  ever  I  took  you  to  be,  that's  sartin." 

Wai,  I  couldn't  ketch  a  wink  of  sleep  all  night,  but  kept  up  a 
tarnal  thinkin  about  that  gal ;  and  there  lay  Captin  Doolittle  a 
snorin  away  in  the  berth  right  aVove  me,  like  a  tin  peddler's  toot- 
horn  run  crazy.  I  swan,  it  was  as  much  as  I  could  du  to  keep 
from  gettin  up  and  chokin  the  varmint.  Turights  the  daylight 
cum  a  sneakin  intu  the  cabin  as  lazy  as  ever  you  see  daybreak 
come  on  ;  and  jest  arter  the  sun  got  up,  Captin  Doolittle  begun 
to  stir  his  stumps  about  breakfast.  He  and  I  and  the  little  nigger 
sot  down,  but  I  felt  kinder  peaked  and  couldn't  hoe  my  row  a 
bit ;  so  the  Oaptin  and  the  nigger  did  extra  duty,  and  stowed 
away  for  me. 

Your  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SUIK. 


LETTER  XXIX. 

Jonathan  Visits  the  Handsome  Girl — Describes  a  Gambling-House  in 
the  Morning  before  it  is  put  to  rights — Visits  the  Lady's  Boudoir — 
Describes  the  Furniture,  the  Lady,  her  Dress,  and  Conversation — la 

'  Interrupted  by  the  Gentleman  of  the  House — And  leaves  with  a 
promise  to  return  and  escort  Miss  Sneers  to  Mad.  Castellan's  Con 
cert. 

DEAR  PAR : 

Wai,  as  I  was  sayin,  I  pulled  foot  down  one  of  them  streets 
that  run  off  kinder  catecorned  by  the  Park,  till  I  cum  right  agin 
the  house  pinted  out  in  the  paper  which  that  harnsome  gal  had 
gin  me.  1. kinder  cut  across  the  street  and  stood  over  agin  the 
house,  detarmined  tu  take  a  sort  o'  observation  afore  I  sot  my 
foot  inside  the  doorway.  It  wag  an  allflred  harnsome  consarn, 
with  one  story  piled  atop  of  t'other,  till  you  could  count  four 
rows  of  winders,  besides  a  row  of  young  ones,  stuck  right  in  TU 
the  edge  of  the  ruff.  A  lot  of  stone  sttps  run  up  tu  the  front 
door,  and  an  iron  fence  twistified  and  curlecued  round  the  edges 


276  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

ran  along  each  eend.  The  winders  all  on  'em  had  green  slats 
bhut  over  'em,  the  door  follered  the  fashion,  and  the  hull  consarn 
seemed  tu  be  shut  tip  agin  winter. 

Wai,  I  cut  across  the  street  and  went  straight  up  the  steps. 
There  was  a  great  chunk  o'  silver  sot  intu  a  kind  of  a  silver  sar- 
ser  nailed  agin  the  door  post,  and  with  a  name  writ  round  the 
edge  on  it.  Arter  giving  the  chunk  a  sneakin  pull,  to  be  sartin 
it  would  give  and  meant  somethin,  I  gin  it  an  allfired  jerk — and 
turights  there  was  a  tinklin  and  ringin  inside,  as  if  an  old  wether 
with  a  fust  rate  bell  on,  had  took  to  scootin  over  the  house. 

I  hadn't  more'n  got  my  hand  off  the  chunk,  when  the  green 
slats  swung  open  jest  as  easy,  and  a  yaller  nigger  stood  inside  a 
eyeing  me  from  top  tu  toe,  as  if  he  had  a  sort  of  hankerin  arter 
some  human  arnimal,  but  didn't  think  me  jest  good  enough  tu 
eat  hull  without  considerable  sarse. 

"  How  do  you  du,"  sez  I,  as  mealy  as  a  pink  eyed  potater  jest 
oat  o'  the  pot — "  How  are  all  the  folks  this  mornin  ?— purty 
smart  I  reckon." 

The  coot  stared  and  kinder  shook  the  two  great  swads  o'  curly 
hair  that  stuck  out  over  each  side  of  his  head ;  and  arter  lookin 
back  intu  the  house,  then  up  the  street,  and  then  agin  at  me,  sez 
he,  "What  du  you  want?"  sez  he. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  a  divin  both  hands  down  to  where  my  pockets 
ought  to  a'been,  but  eenamost  keelin  head  over  heels  with  the 
dive  I  gin  without  finding  bottom — "  I  seem  tu  surmise  that  I 
want  tu  see  some  body  a  trifle  more  like  folks  than  you  seem  tu 
be — so  I  guess  I'll  walk  in." 

With  that  I  gin  the  chap  a  shove  with  one  of  my  mudgrap- 
plers,  and  walked  right  intu  the  long  entry-way,  as  crank  as  a 
militia  trainer  with  his  regimentals  on. 

"What's  your  name  and  who  do  you  want?"  sez  the  yaller 
nipger  kinder  wrothy,  and  a  shakin  that  swad  o'  curly  hair  at 
me  like  a  darned  great  sun  flower  in  a  foggy  storm. 

"Wai,"  sez  I,  "you  ought  tu  go  Down  East  and  learn  to  ask 
questions.  If  your  tongue  was  only  half  as  greasy  as  your  faco 
now,  you  could  a  done  it  as  slick  agin.  I  aint  got  no  name  tu 
speak  on,  and  nil  I  want-  o'  you  is  jest  tu  tell  the  harnsome  crit 
ter  that  lives  here,  that  I'm  on  hand,  a  waitin  down  here  as  sprj 


BV    'ONATHAN    SLICK.  277 

as  a  cricket,  and  about  as  arnest  tu  see  her  agin  as  ever  a  chap 
was." 

The  chap  he  kinder  eyed  me  askew.  Fust  he  took  a  squint  at 
jay  puffy  trousers,  then  at  old  bell  crown,  and  then  at  me  all  over. 

"  You  can't  be  the  gentleman  that  she  told  me  to  let  in,"  sez 
lie;  "does  Miss  Sneers  expect  you?" 

"  Wai,  I  kinder  reckon  she  does,"  sez  I. 

'•Wai,"  sez  the  feller,  lookin  sort  o'  unsartain,  "jest  step  intu 
this  room  and  I'll  go  and  see." 

"  That's  a  leetle  more  like  folks,"  sez  I,  a  followin  the  chap 
intu  a  room  at  one  eend  of  the  entry-way,  where  I  sot  down 
with  old  bell  crown  over  my  knees,  and  took  a  squint  round.  It 
was  kinder  dark,  for  them  between  slats  shut  out  the  light ;  but 
I  could  see  that  the  room  hadn't  been  fixed  up  since  over  night. 
Two  of  the  chairs  lay  keeled  up  on  the  carpet — the  kiver  was  a 
slidin  off  from  the  table  a'most  tu  the  carpet,  and  slopped  over 
with  wine  that  wasn't  dry  yit — a  decanter  with  a  trifle  o'  wine, 
or  per'aps  brandy,  stood  on  the  table  where  the  cloth  had  left  it 
bare,  and  an  allfired  purty  wine  glass  lay  on  the  harnsome  carpet 
broke  to  smash  ;  and  round  under  the  table  and  close  around  my 
chair  was  a  hull  squad  of  jlayin  cards,  a'most  new,  as  if  some 
body  had  got  beat  a  playin  high-low-jack  and  the  game,  and 
flung  the  hull  bilin  down  in  a  huff.  I'd  jest  picked  up  two  or 
three  of  the  cards,  when  the  yaller  nigger  turned  back  and  sez  he — 

kv  It  aint  of  no  use — I  can't  tell  my  mistress  who  wants  tu  see 
her,  if  you  wont  give  me  your  name,  or  a  card." 

uWal,"  sez  I,  "if  you  must  have  one  or  t'other,  there's  a  card 
— now  git  out,  and  don't  let  me  see  that  consarned  yaller  face 
agin  till  it's  wanted." 

With  that  I  handed  over  the  jack-o' -spades ;  he  turned  his 
great  sarser'eyes,  fust  on  the  leetle  feller  that  sot  stuck  up  on  the 
card,  and  then  agin  at  me,  as  if  he  didn't  know  what  tu  make 
on't.  There  was  no  satisfy  in  him,  I  could  see  that,  but  I'd 
begun  to  get  tired  o'  waitin,  and  sez  I, 

"  Wai,  there's  the  card,  and  a  harnsome  one  tu — my  name  is 
Jonathan  Slick  of  Weathersfiehl — my  father  is  a  Squire  and  a 
Deacon  of  the  Church — my  mother  was  Jerusha  Pettebone — my 
but  ^arn  me,  if  you  aint  satisfied  now,  you  consarned  pryin 


278  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

sbote,  you  may  go  tu  grass,  and  the  harnsome  gal  with 
you." 

The  feller  cot  stick  afore  I'd  half  done,  and  cum  back  a  bowin 
and  a  scrapin,  as  if  he'd  got  a  set  of  new  jints  while  he  was  a 
goin  up  stairs. 

"  My  mistress  wants  tu  know  if  you're  the  gentleman  that  she 
saw  at  the  theatre  last  night." 

"Jest  so,"  sez  I,  a  flingin  down  the  ten  spot  o'  clubs  and  the 
ace  o'  diamonds,  for  somehow  I  jest  didn't  like  the  touch  of  the 
varmints — "jest  so !" 

"  Walk  up  stairs,"  sez  lie,  a  bowin  eenamost  tu  the  ground. 

"  Wai,  I  don't  care  if  I  du,"  sez  I,  follerin  the  chap. 

I  took  off  old  bell  crown  and  riled  up  my  curls  with  a  leetle 
flourish  o'  fingers  amongst  the  thickest  on  'em,  as  I  went  up 
Btairs — then  I  kinder  shook  up  the  pletes  of  my  trousers,  and 
pulled  out  the  eend  of  my  yaller  hankercher,  as  I  went  along 
behind  the  buff  colored  nigger. 

I  swan  tu  man,  Par,  it  was  like  \valkin  through  a  footpath 
kivered  over  with  meadow  grass  and  wild  posies,  as  I  went  up 
the  stairs,  all  carpeted  off  and  a  shinin  with  bars  of  gold.  Jest 
at  the  top  stood  a  black  figger,  a'most  as  large  as  life  and  all  but 
naked,  a  holdin  one  finger  tu  his  lips  and  with  a  lamp  in  t'other 
hand,  that  seemed  as  if  it  had  burnt  itself  out,  for  there  wasn't 
any  ile  in  if,  and  the  wick  was  sooty  as  a  nigger's  eye  lashes. 

Wai,  I  follered  on  intu  another  entry- way,  where  another  fig 
ger  stood,  as  white  as  if  it  had  been  cut  out  of  a  fust  rate  cheese 
curd.  It  had  one  foot  up,  as  if  it  was  a  darncin,  one  arm  was 
flung  over  its  own  head,  and  both  its  pesky  leetle  hands  was 
chuck  full  of  posies,  that  looked  as  if  they'd  been  planted  in  a 
pnow  bank  and  watered  with  new  milk,  afore  that  harnsome 
half  dressed,  indecent  figger  had  found  'em.  She  looked  like  a 
ginuine  purty  gal  froze  tu  death  for  the  want  of  kiverin. 

"  Wai,  while  I  was  a  lookin  at  the  poor  critter,  that  yaller 
nigger  he  opened  the  door  and  stood  a  flurishin  his  hand  about, 
jest  as  our  minister  does  when  he  dismisses  meetin,  and  is  tu 
allfired  lazy  tu  use  both  hands  tu  once. 

I  Avent  by  the  varmint  and  there  I  stood  stock  still  in  the  door 
way  a  starin  about  like  a  stuck  calf.  I  swan,  P,->r,  I  never  sot 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  279 

eyes  on  any  tiling  that  could  shake  a  stick  at  that  are  room  in 
rny  born  days.  The  floor  was  all  spread  off  with  a  carpet,  like  a 
meadow  that  slants  tu  the  fust  spring  sun  when  the  grass  is  a 
springin  up,  and  sot  off  thick  with  dandelions,  buttercups  and 
clovertops;  and  I  swan  tu  man,  there  was  something  in  the  room 
that  smelt  just  about  as  sweet. 

The  room  wasn't  over  large,  and  a  whoppin  winder  eenamost 
took  up  one  eend  on't.  Yet  it  was  kinder  dark  for  all  that,  for 
a  hull  harvest  of  shiny  silk,  as  thin  as  a  locust's  wing,  and  sort 
a  rosy  colored,  like  a  gal's  cheek  jest  arter  a  chap  has  kissed  it 
— was  kinder  tumblin  down  the  winder  in  winrows  turned  length 
wise,  one  arter  t'other,  till  the  hull  was  grabbed  up  in  one  alfired 
swad,  and  ketched  back  in  a  great  hook  all  of  solid  gold,  that 
glistened  like  a  lookin-glass  frame  when  the  fire  light  ketches  it 
fair. 

There  wasn't  but  two  chairs  in  the  room,  and  they  seemed  tu 
be  made  out  o'  solid  gold  tu,  stuffed  down  with  shining  silk 
figered  off  with  posies  redder  than  the  winder  silk,  and  yet  kin 
der  like  it.  There  was  a  bench  agin  the  winder,  standin  on 
chunks  o'  gold  cut  out  like  a  lion's  paw,  and  that  tu  was  all 
cushioned  off  with  shiny  silk  like  the  chairs,  and  on  the  back  on 
it,  right  agin  the  wall,  two  pillars  were  stuck  up,  all  kivered  over 
with  posies  that  looked  good  enough  tu  smell  on.  Right  agin 
the  door  was  the  harnsomest  consarn  that  I  ever  sot  eyes  on.  It 
was  a  kind  of  a  round  table  cut  in  tew  in  the  middle,  dressed  up 
in  white  and  ruffled  off  with  harnsome  lace,  like  a  gal  when  she 
means  tu  cut  a  dash.  A  lookin  glass  stood  on  it  sot  in  a  gold 
frame  work,  curlecued  off  like  a  great  vine,  with  the  golden 
grapes  a  bustin  out  all  over  it,  and  sort  a  droppin  down  over  the 
glass.  I  snum,  if  it  wasn't  a  sight  tu  behold  !  There  was  a  fine 
fied  gold  watch  about  as  big  as  a  ninepence,  a  lyin  on  the  table, 
and  some  leetle  red  morocco  boxes,  with  a  newfangled  pitcher 
pictured  off  tu  kill,  chuck  full  of  ginuine  roses  and  green  leaves, 
that  looked  as  if  they'd  that  minit  cum  off  from  the  bushes. 

There  was  one  thing  more  a  standin  up  in  the  corner  that  beat 
all  I  ever  did  see.  It  was  an  allfired  overgrown  candlestick  a 
stand  in  on  legs,  and  eenamost  as  tall  as  I  be.  That  tu,  seemed 
to  be  of  solid  gold,  curlecned  off  with  little  picters.  On  the  top 


280  HIGH    LIFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

was  a  great  golden  sarser,  and  what  chawed  me  n .  was  a  stream 
o'  smoke  that  ris  from  the  sarser,  and  kinder  spread  all  over  the 
room,  jest  enough  to  let  a  chap  know  that  there  was  a  fire  some 
where  about.  Jest  behind  the  whoppin  candlestick  was  the  fig- 
ger  of  a  critter,  sort  o'  half  bird  and  t'other  half  baby,  the  cun- 
ninest  varmint  that  I  ever  did  see.  The  wings  grew  out  of  his 
chubby  shoulders,  and  the  pesky  little  scamp  seemed  tu  be  a  lar- 
fin  at  me  through  the  smoke  all  the  while  that  he  made  believe 
that  he  was  a  droppia  somethin  down  intu  the  gold  sarser.  The 
critter  was  as  white  as  a  tomb  stun  ;  but  if  it  hadn't  kept  still,  I 
should  eenamost  thought  it  was  alive.  There  I  stood  bendin 
for'ard,  with  my  mouth  kinder  opened  and  old  bell  crown  be 
tween  both  hands,  a  lookin  at  that  little  varmint,  and  there  he 
was  a'most  winken  at  me,  when  somebody  said, — 

"  Walk  in  Mr.  Slick,— pray  walk  in !" 

I  gin  a  jump  and  dropped  old  bell  crown,  for  it  seemed  tu  me 
as  if  the  flyin  baby  had  spoke ;  but  in  stoopin  tu  pick  up  old  bell 
crown  agin,  I  kinder  turned  round ;  and  there,  on  a  bench  cush 
ioned  off  with  silk,  like  the  one  I've  told  you  on,  sot  the  gal  I'd 
seen  at  the  theatre  last  night ;  but  oh,  get  out !  more  than  as 
harnsome  agin.  She  was  all  dressed  out  in  a  white  gown,  that 
hung  kinder  slimsy  from  that  purty  neck,  till  it  eenajest  kivered 
the  pesky  leetle  feet  that  lay  on  a  footstool  like  two  black  squir 
rels  asleep  together.  The  cloth  that  her  dress  was  made  on,  was 
so  thin  that  I  could  a  seen  her  arms  through  clean  tu  the  wrist,  if 
the  sleeves  hadn't  been  made  so  full,  that  every  time  she  moved 
the  hull  arm  got  more  than  half  unkivered.  I  swan,  it  made  me 
ketch  my  breath,  when  she  kinder  half  ris  and  reached  out  that 
are  soft  hand,  a  smilin  all  the  time  as  if  she  was  tickled  eenajest 
tu  death  tu  see  me. 

I  gin  her  hand  a  leetle  mechin  shake,  and  turned  round  tu  set 
down  in  one  of  the  chairs,  for  I  couldn't  help  but  feel  a  trifle 
Btreuked  amongst  all  that  heap  o'  silk  and  gold.  But  before 
I  was  quite  sot  down  she  settled  back  aginst  the  pillar,  and 
whilst  she  let  one  foot  drop  from  the  stool,  she  fixed  t'other  pil 
lar  agin  the  wall;  and  while  she  was  a  pattiu  the  posies  on  it 
with  her  hand,  she  lifted  them  tarnal  black  eyes  and  gin  me  a 
smile  that  had  more  than  the  sweetness  of  a  hull  bilin  of  sugar 


BY    JONATHAN    SUCK.  281 

in  it ;  and  there  she  sot  with  that  hand  kin  ler  stuck  intu  the 
pillar  yet. 

Now,  Par,  you  don't  think  I  was  shote  enough  tu  set  down  in 
the  big  chair  arter  that,  do  you?  I  guess  I  wheeled  round,  about 
the  quickest,  and  sot  down  so  close  by  that  harnsome  critter, 
that  I  could  feel  her  breath  on  my  hair ;  and  yit,  I  sot  as  fur 
<>1F  as  I  could,  and  close  on  the  edge  of  the  bench,  but  it  was 
orful  short,  and  I  had  tu  set  close  any  how ;  but  oh  gauly,  didn't 
my  fingers  tingle.  There  was  that  leetle  hand,  as  soft  and 
•white  as  a  snowball,  a  lyin  among  the  posies  worked  on  that 
pillar  right  behind  me,  and  I  hadn't  but  jest  tu  lean  back,  and 
that  are  arm  would  a  been  a'most  round  me.  But  there  I  sot, 
close  on  the  edge,  all  in  a  flusterfication,  fust  a  lookin  at  that  are 
hand,  then  at  her  smilin  face,  and  then  agin  at  old  bell  crown, 
and  so  over  agin.  Arter  I'd  sot  about  a  minit,  I  hitched  back  a 
trifle,  and  gin  a  kind  o'skeery  squint  at  her — she  was  eenajest 
larfin.  With  that,  I  gin  another  hitch,  and  looked  right  straight 
at  old  bell  crown,  as  if  I  wanted  tu  eat  it.  The  harnsome  crit 
ter  didn't  seem  tu  rile  up  any,  so  I  jest  dropped  bell  crown, 
dived  tu  pick  it  up  agin,  and  riz  right  up  parpendicler  agin  the 
pillar.  I  could  feel  the  leetle  hand  a  movin  on  the  pillar  agin  my 
back,  like  a  chip  squirrel  in  its  nest ;  but  think  says  I,  you'r  ketch- 
ed  this  time,  any  how,  and  I  guess  you  may  as  well  lie  still.  "With 
that,  I  turned  my  head  sort  of  a  slow,  and  larfed  a  leetle,  jest 
enough  tu  show  my  teeth  round  the  edges,  and  sez  I, 

"  How  do  you  du  marm  ?" 

Did  you  ever  see  a  spring  begin  tu  gurgle  and  shine  up  all  tu 
once,  when  you  've  parted  the  peppermint  that  grows  over  it,  and 
let  in  the  broad  daylight  on  the  water?  If  you  have,  per'aps 
you  have  some  idea  how  consarned  harnsome  the  smile  was  that 
cum  bustin  all  over  that  gal's  face,  a  dimpling  up  them  pesky  red 
lips,  and  a  dancin  through  them  great  black  eyes.  I  could  see  the 
tantelizen  critter  a  bitin  them  plump  lips  of  hern,  to  keep  from 
snickerin  out  in  my  face ;  so  I  put  on  a  leetle  extra  grin  myself, 
for  I'm  a  hull  team  at  larfin,  and  a  boss  tu  let,  when  I  once 
begin.  By-am-by,  sez  she,  as  well  as  she  could  git  it  out, 
sez  she — 

"  I  hope  you  enjoy  yourself  in  to-.vn,  Mr.  Slick." 


282  HIGH    LIFE    IX    KEW    YORK. 

"  I  reckon  I  du  jest  now,"  sez  I,  '•  quite  a  considerable  deal, 
and  Mpwards." 

With  that  she  sort  a  smiled  agin,  and  somehow  that  other 
feetle  hand  in  her  lap  kinder  crept  along  under  the  loose  slimsey 
sleeve,  as  if  it  wanted  tu  get  better  acquainted  with  mine.  My 
mudgrappler  didn't  object  tu  be  introduced. 

"  It's  orful  pleasant  weather,  for  time  o'year,"  sez  I,  and  ray 
hand  kinder  crept  along  towards  hern  a  mite. 

"  Very,"  sez  she,  a  looking  at  the  tall  candlestick  as  soft  as 
summer  butter ;  "  very." 

"  I  also  kinder  like  tu  go  intu  the  woods  in  the  fall,  and  see 
the  trees  a  turnin  all  sorts  o'  colors,  red  and  blue  and  yaller ;  and 
see  the  chesnuts,  jest  ripe  enough  tu  drop  from  there  prickly 
shucks,  and  hear  the  but'nuts  a  ratlin  down  tu  the  dry  leaves. 
Oh,  gauly!  I  wish  you  and  I  was  there  now,  if  it  was  ony 
jest  tu  watch  the  chip-rnunks  and  gray  squirrels  a  carrying  off 
the  nuts  in  their  mouths  and  fore  paws.  Did  you  ever  see  a 
liarnsome  black  squirrel,  with  a  shagbark  between  his  whiskers, 
a  hoppin  among  the  trees,  arter  they're  stript  more'rn  half 
naked  by  the  frost  ?" 

Then  my  fingers  begun  to  travel  agin  like  anything. 

"  Yes,"  sez  she,  "  I  love  a  pet  squirrel  dearly."  * 

By  this  time  my  hand  had  got  tu  the  eend  of  its  journey  and 
put  up. 

"  Harnsome  critters,  aint  they,"  sez  I,  a'most  out  o'breath,  I 
was  so  skeared.  "Captin  Doolittle  has  got  a  rale  sneezer  down 
at  the  vessel,  as  black  as  git  out,  his  tail  curls  up  over  his  side 
like  the  feather  in  a  pal's  bonnet,  and  he's  got  an  eye  as  bright 
and  sharp  as  if  it  had  been  cut  out  o'  yonrn.  I'll  hook  it  from 
the  old  coot,  cage  and  all,  and  bring  it  up  tu  you,  if  you've  a 
notion  tu  it,  consarn  me  if  I  don't." 

"You're  very  kind,"  sez  she. 

"  Oh,  you  git  out !"  sez  I ;  "  that  aint  a  primin  tu  what  I  mean 
tu  du,  if  you  and  I  can  only  agree  tu  draw  in  the  same  tacklin. 

aint  mean  as  some  chaps  that  I  know  on — nobody  ever  ketched 
me  a  halving  a  long  nine,  or  askin  a  gal  tu  pay  her  own  shot 
when  she  went  a  slayin  with  me — ask  Captiii  Doolittle,  if  you 
don't  believe  twf." 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  283 

The  critter  looked  up  and  kinder  smiled  agin  so  darned  winnin, 
that  I  lasted  her  hand  tu  my  lips,  and  gin  it  a  nibble  afore  I  knew 
what  I  was  about.  She  seemed  tu  try  tu  pull  it  away,  and  turned 
her  head  so  that  I  couldn't  see  her  face. 

"  You  aint  mad  nor  nothin  ?"  sez  I,  a  lettin  go  her  hand. 
"  I  swan  tu  man,  you  looked  so  darned  sweet  I  couldn't  help 
it." 

She  got  up  and  went  tu  the  table  that  was  dressed  off  so,  and 
smelt  of  the  posies  on  it,  and  then  she  curn  back  agin  and  sot 
down  as  good  natured  as  a  pussey  cat ;  but  she'd  put  me  in  such 
a  tantrum,  for  fear  I'd  made  her  mad.  that  I  didn't  know  what 
tu  say  next ;  so  there  I  sot,  a  feelin  streakeder  and  streakeder 
every  minit ;  but  arter  a  while  I  bust  out  agin — 

"  Speakin  of  the  woods,"  sez  I,  "  aint  the  maple  trees  harn- 
eorne  ?  Did  you  ever  see  the  leaves  when  they're  jest  a  turnin 
red,  a  kinder  tremblin  on  the  limbs,  as  if  every  one  on  'em  was 
kinder  afraid  of  fallin  off  ?  I've  seen  'em  over  night  as  green  as 
some  of  these  country  chaps  when  they  fust  come  tu  York ;  and 
then  agin  in  the  mornin,  as  red  as  your  lips ;  and  a'most  as  bright 
when  the  sun  shines  on  'em." 

I  could  see  them  lips  begin  to  pucker  up  agin,  as  if  they  wanted 
to  give  ine  a  chance  of  judgin.  So  I  kept  on — 

"  I  swan,"  sez  I,  "  sometimes  it  seems  to  me  as  if  the  sugar 
had  stuck  up  through  the  leaves  and  turned  'era  red,  they  look 
so  pesky  sweet.  Speakin  o'  that,  du  you  love  maple  sugar?" 

"  Very  much,"  sez  she. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  "  next  time  I  cum  I'll  bring  you  an  allfired  hunk, 
eee  if  I  don't.'? 

Jest  then,  the  chap  that  I'd  seen  at  the  theatre  with  her  the 
night  afore,  opened  the  door  and  cum  straight  in.  I  eenamost 
jumped  on  eend  and  dropped  her  hand,  that  some  how  or  other 
had  got  intu  mine  agin,  as  if  it  had  been  a  hot  chesnut. 

But  the  chap  only  looked  around,  and  made  a  sort  of  a  slidin 
bow,  and  shet  the  door  agin. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  all  in  a  twitter,  for  my  heart  had  riz  right  up 
•intu  my  mouth  ;  "  I  guess  I'll  be  goin." 

"  So  soon  ?"  sez  she,  a  liftin  them  eyes  sort  o'  mournful. 

I  wilted  right  down  agin,  like  a  cabbage  plant  11  the  sun. 


284  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

u  And  who  may  that  chap  be,"  sez  I,  for  I  begun  tu  feel  ugly 
about  the  heart. 

44  Oh,  he's  only  my  brother,"  sez  she,  "  never  mind  him.  Are 
you  fond  of  music,  Mr.  Slick  ?" 

"  I  guess  I  be,"  sez  I.  "  When  the  chorister  is  gone,  I  al'era 
lend  the  singin  at  meetin  tu  hum." 

"  Have  you  ever  heard  Castellan  ?"  sez  she. 

44  No,"  sez  I,  "  I  don't  know  as  ever  I've  heard  that  instru 
ment,  but  I'm  great  on  the  bas-viol,  and  could  beat  all  natur  on 
the  toot  horn  when  I  was  a  leetle  shaver,  not  more  than  knee 
high  to  a  toad." 

Consarn  the  critter,  I  couldn't  speak  but  what  that  pesky  mouth 
of  hern  would  brighten  and  pucker  up. 

"  Would  you  like  to  go  with  me  and  hear  her  this  evening  ?" 
sez  she.  "  We  shall  hear  some  fine  music." 

44  If  you'll  only  talk  tu  me  there  can't  be  a  doubt  on  it,"  sez  I, 
a  bowin. 

44  Then  you  will  go  ?"  sez  she. 

44 1  reckon  I  will,"  sez  I,  "  twice  over  if  you  want  me  tu,  and 
tickled  to  death  with  the  chance." 

4'  Wai,"  sez  she,  "  I'll  be  ready  at  half  past  seven." 

4' You'll  find  me  on  hand,"  sez  I ;  "and  now  I  guess  I  must  bt 
a  goin." 

With  that  I  took  up  old  bell  crown,  and  arter  makin  a  primt 
bow,  was  a  goin  out ;  but  I  happened  tu  think  what  a  coot  I'A 
been,  and  turned  back. 

44 1  swan,"  sez  I,  u  I'd  a'most  forgot  tu  ask  what  you  wanted 
tu  see  me  for." 

I  snum,  it  seemed  as  if  the  maple  leaves  I'd  been  a  talking  of 
had  been  flung,  a  hull  swad  on  'em  into  her  face,  she  turned  sc 
red  ;  but  afore  she  could  speak  I  heard  that  chap  a  comin  agin ; 
so  I  made  her  a  low  bow,  but  sudden,  like  a  jack-knife  opened 
and  shet  in  a  hurry,  and  I  cut  for  the  sloop  agin. 

Your  dutiful  son, 

JONATHAN  SLICK. 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  2S5 


LETTER  XXX. 
The  Gambling  House — Jonathan  is  taken  in  with  Cards. 

DEAR  PAR: 

I've  tried  to  write  tu  you  agin  and  agin  since  my  t'other  letter, 
but  I  felt  so  dreadful  bad,  there  was  no  makin  it  out,  all  I  could 
du.  I've  been  dreadful  sick,  and  about  the  darndest  melancholy 
critter  that  ever  sot  up  an  eend  in  bed. 

I  own  it  eenamost  kills  me  to  begin,  but  the  truth  will  out 
some  time  or  other  ;  and  a  feller  that  aint  ashamed  to  du  wrong, 
must  be  a  snakin  shote  if  he  can't  pick  up  courage  tu  own  up  tu 
the  truth,  like  a  man.  It's  a  tough  job,  though,  to  own  that 
youVe  been  made  a  darn'd  coot,  and  a  leetle  wus  than  that — 
but  all  I've  got  to  du  is  to  grin  and  bear  it.  I  was  a  tellin  you 
that  Miss  Sneers  gin  me  an  invite  to  supper.  I  slicked  up  and 
went,  nigh  about  dark,  a  feelin  sort  a  streaked,  I  couldn't  tell  why, 
and  a  thinkin  of  Judy  "White  all  the  way  ;  that  pesky  harnsome 
critter  had  riled  up  my  feelins  so  desperately  that  I  raly  hadn't 
known  which  eend  my  head  was  on — but,  somehow,  as  I  went 
along,  Judy  seemed  close  by  me,  with  her  hand  on  my  arm,  kin 
der  holdin  me  back  ;  and  once  I  was  eenamost  tempted  tu  turn 
back,  and  never  think  o'  this  York  gal  agin  on  arth.  I  swow,  I 
raly  believe  the  tears  stood  in  my  eyes  when  I  went  up  the  steps 
— for  I  couldn't  keep  from  thinkin  of  hum  all  I  could  du,  and  it 
seemed  jest  as  if  you  and  marm  were  a  holdin  family  prayers, 
and  all  for  my  sake,  jest  3en.  I  do  believe,  Par,  that  the  spirits 
of  live  folks  that  love  you  are  as  likely  agin  to  haunt  a  feller 
when  he's  in  danger  as  them  of  dead  people.  "Wai,  I  rung  the 
door-bell  kinder  loth,  for  I  hadn't  felt  very  chipper  all  day,  and, 
somehow,  thinkin  of  hum  and  sich  tilings  gin  me  a  kind  of  timer- 
some  feelin.  The  buff  nigger  was  on  hand  in  no  time.  He 
swung  open  the  door,  and  stood  a  bowin  and  a  shakin  that  etar- 
nal  swad  of  hair  till  I  got  clear  inl  o  the  entry- way.  I  was  a  goin 


280  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YORK. 

right  up  stairs,  but  the  nigger  he  opened  a  side  door,  and  sayg 
he,  "  walk  in." 

u  Jest  so,"  sez  I,  and  I  went  through  the  door  inter  a  room 
that  was  sot  off  tu  kill  with  all  sorts  o'  notions  and  foreign  fixins. 
The  winders  were  shut  up  close,  and  kivered  from  top  tu  bottom 
with  a  hull  Niagara  of  red  silk.  The  benches  and  settees  and 
chairs  shone  and  glistened  all  around,  and  overhead  was  one  of 
them  concerns  of  fire  and  chink  glass,  a  blazin  and  flashing  round 
us  till  it  seemed  as  if  the  ruff  overhead  was  made  of  solid  gold. 
The  wall  were  kivered  all  over  with  picters — them  golden  frames 
was  all  cirlicued  off,  and  shone  out  dreadful  harnsome,  I  can  tell 
you.  Right  under  that  heap  of  swinging  glass,  and  jest  where 
the  fire  felt  strongest,  there  was  a  table  about  as  large  round  as 
marin's  cheese  tub,  and  kivered  over  with  a  red  cloth,  all  figured 
off  that  fell  clear  to  the  carpet,  and  looked  sort  o'  rich,  like  a  pile 
of  winter  apples  heaped  afore  a  cider  mill. 

Two  or  three  chaps  sot  afore  the  table,  larfin  and  a  talkin  to 
gether,  while  they  kinder  tilted  back  the  chairs  they  sot  in,  and 
seemed  to  make  themselves  tu  hum  all  over. 

I  looked  around  for  Miss  Sneers,  but  she  wasn't  there  yit,  and 
the  chaps  by  the  table  didn't  seem  tu  know  that  I  was  standin 
there,  and  a  lettin  off  my  prime  bows  all  for  nothin.  But  jest 
as  I  was  a  goin  to  back  out,  a  feller  that  lay  on  one  of  these  new 
fangled  settees  that  have  an  arm  chair  at  each  eend,  and  a  bench 
in  the  middle  all  cushioned  off  with  red  silk,  he  kinder  riz  up, 
and  I  see  it  was  the  chap  that  waited  on  Miss  Sneers  at  the 
theatre  the  first  time  I  ever  saw  her.  He  cum  for'ard  on  seein 
me,  and  a  lookin  eenamost  tickled  tu  death  tu  think  I'd  cum.'  He 
told  the  chaps  by  the  table  who  I  was,  and  they  got  up  tu,  and 
was  in  a  mighty  takin  about  my  bein  there.  I  sot  down  on  a 
chair,  and  histed  one  leg  top  of  t'other,  and  begun  tu  teeter  my 
right  foot  sort  of  independent,  and  looked  abont  for  Miss  Sneers. 
She  wasn't  there  jest  then,  and  I  begun  to  feel  rather  awkward. 
But  the  man  that  I'd  seen  with  her  at  the  theatre,  he  sot  down 
close  by  me,  and  begin  to  talk  as  chipper  as  if  he'd  known  me  a 
hundred  years.  I  hadn't  had  a  good  chance  tu  look  at  the  fel 
ler  before  in  arnest,  but  now  as  he  sot  agin  me,  I  gin  him  con 
siderable  observation.  He  was  a  tall,  harnsome  chap,  with  hair 


BY   JOXATIJAS    SLICK.  28? 

as  thick  and  black  as  midnight.  His  eyes  were  black  tu,  and  as 
sharb  as  darningneedles,  but  you  never  could  ketch  them  a  look- 
in  at  yon  more'n  a  minute  at  a  time — they  al'ers  shied  when  a 
feller  looked  right  straight  into  them.  His  voice  was  as  soft  as 
a  mealy  potater,  and  he  kinder  slid  up  to  you  across  the  room 
like  a  gray  cat,  and  seemed  tu  be  jest  about  as  innocent.  He  be 
gun  tu  talk  about  farming,  and  the  price  of  produce  in  York,  jest 
as  cozey  as  git  out,  and  seemed  tu  be  right  tu  hum  on  any  sub  • 
ject  that  cum  up.  The  other  chaps  they  jined  in'  and  laid  on  a 
considerable  soft  sodder  about  my  letters  in  the  Express — but 
they  did  it  slick,  I  can  tell  you,  smoothed  it  down  nice  and  ily, 
till  you  couldn't  jest  tell  exactly  whether  it  was  soft  sodder  or 
not. 

Arter  a  few  minutes,  Miss  Sneers  she  cum  in — I  felt  my  heart 
jump  intu  my  mouth,  and  the  blood  bile  up  over  my  face,  like 
hot  flip  when  the  iron  is  put  in.  It  seemed  tu  me,  as  if  she  never 
did  look  so  harnsome  afore — her  frock  was  all  blue  shiny  velvet, 
as  bright  as  a  damson  plum — that  ere  round  neck  so  pesky  white, 
hadn't  no  kiverin  on,  but  a  leetle  finefied  gold  chain,  and  another 
gold  chain  was  tangled  up  with  the  great  swad  of  hair  that  was 
twistified  up  on  the  nap  of  her  neck.  She  kinder  slid  intu  the 
room  sort  of  easy,  jest  like  a  trout  sailin  along  the  bottom  of  a 
brook — her  cheeks  looked  as  fresh  as  a  full  blown  rosy,  and  her 
mouth,  the  darned  provokin  thing,  looked  jest  like  a  bunch  of 
ripe  strawberries,  ready  tu  drop  from  the  stems. 

She  kinder  bowed  tu  the  chaps  that  sot  by  the  table,  and  then 
cum  right  up  tu  where  I  stood  with  both  her  hands  out  tu  once, 
as  if  she  was  tickled  all  over  tu  see  me  agin. 

Both  them  little  white  hands  wasn't  more  than  one  handful  for 
me,  and  I  wasn't  in  no  very  great  hurry  tu  let  go,  when  I  once 
got  a  good  grip  at  'em — she  didn't  seem  tu  mind  my  havin  'em, 
but  sot  down  right  between  me  and  her  brother,  and  there  she 
sot  a  smilin  right  intu  my  eyes  and  a  askin  so  arnest  arter  my 
helth  that  I  couldn't  but  jest  speak,  my  heart  riz  so.  The  critter 
really  seemed  tu  have  took  a  notion  tu  you,  and  marm.  She 
was  dreadful  arnest  tu  know  if  I'd  hearn  from  you,  and  how  you 
stood  the  cold  weather,  and  then  consarn  me !  if  she  didn't  ask 
how  Captin  Doolittle  did,  jest  as  if  the  old  coot  had  a  ben  her 


288  HIGH    UFE    IX    NEW    YORK. 

own  Par.  By-am-by  she  bent  over,  and  kinder  whispered  tu 
me,  and  sez  she — 

u  I  must  go  and  speak  tu  the  gentlemen  there — you  make  me 
forget  everything  but  yourself." 

With  that  she  gin  my  fingers  a  leetle  grip  and  went  up  tu  the 
table. 

"  You  seem  dull,"  sez  she,  "  supposin  you  take  a  game  at  cards 
till  supper  is  ready." 

"  If  Mr.  Slick  hain't  no  objection"  sez  her  brother,  a  lookin  at 
me  kinder  anxious.  u  His  father's  a  deacon  you  know." 

They  all  turned  on  their  chairs,  and  looked  at  me.  as  if  a  man 
that  didn't  like  cards  must  a  have  been  brought  up  in  the  woods. 
It  made  me  feel  kinder  streaked — so  sez  I,  "  oh  never  seem  tu 
mind  me,  I  aint  a  skeerer1  «tt  a  pack  of  cards,  if  my  Par  is." 

"  Du  you  ever  play,"  so.  Miss  Sneers,  a  smilin  on  me  like  a 
June  sun. 

"  Wai,"  sez  I,  speakin  up  crank,  "  I  haint  done  much  at  it, 
since  I  was  a  little  shaver,  and  used  tu  play  high-low-jack  and 
the  game,  with  one  of  our  workmen  in  Par's  barn  tu  hum,  but  I 
was  a  considerable  of  a  sneezer  at  it  in  them  days,  I  recon." 

Miss  Sneers's  brother,  sez  he,  "  Wnl  then,  supposin  you  take  a 
hand  here." 

I  felt  kinder  bad  at  the  idea  of  touching  cards  arter  promisin 
you  not  tu,  Par,  when  you  ketched  me  at  it  and  gin  me  that  all- 
fired  lickin  in  the  barn — but  Miss  Sneers  stood  right  afore  me, 
shuffling  a  bran  new  pack  o'  cards  in  them  little  white  hands  and 
a  lookin  at  me  so  cunnin  that  I  couldn't  stand  it — yet  I  felt  sort 
o'  loth  and  held  back. 

"I'm  afeared  I've  eenajest  forgot  how,"  sez  I;  a  loungiu 
back. 

"  Oh  never  mind,"  sez  one  of  the  chaps  in  a  red  and  green 
vest,  and  with  checkered  trousers  on,  "Miss  Sneers  will  show 
you  how." 

"  Certainly,"  says  the  harnsome  critter — a  smilin  right  in  my 
face  again ;  "Shall  I  be  your  teacher,  Mr.  Slick?" 

"  Jest  so,"  sez  I — "  I'd  jump  down  my  own  throat,  if  you  on'y 
told  me  tu." 

With  that  I  sot  down  by  the  table — crossed  one  leg  a  top  of 


BJT   JONATHAN    BUCK.  289 

f>nt,hpf  and  wiped  my  nose.    Miss  Sneers,  she  leaned  b«>»  arm  on 
mv  chair  and  the  rest  sot  down. 

"Wai,  what  shall  we  play  ?"  sez  the  chap  in  checkered  trousers. 

U0h,  high-low-jack  and  the  game — Mr.  Slick  understands 
that" — sez  the  rest,  sort  a  larfin.  I  begun  to  rile  a  trifle — "  I 
guess  Mr.  Slick  knows  a  thing  or  two  besides  that,"  sez  I ;  "he 
wasn't  born  in  the  woods  tu  be  skared  at  owls !"  sez  I. 

They  all  choked  in  at  that — one  feller  shuffled  the  cards,  I  cut, 
and  the  checkered  trousers  took  the  deal.  I  got  an  allfired  good 
hand  the  first  dive — ace,  jack  and  the  two  spot  of  trumps,  besides 
a  ton.  Miss  Sneers  she  bent  over  until  I  could  feel  her  breath 
agiii  my  cheek,  as  warm  and  sweat  as  the  steam  from  an  apple- 
sarse  cag  when  the  sarse  is  sot  off  to  cool.  I  swow,  it  made  me 
feel  so  kinder  unsettled,  that  the  cards  danced  afore  my  eyes, 
like  picters  run  crazy.  We  begun  to  play.  Miss  Sneers  kept  a 
pokin  that  pesky  little  finger  of  hern  amongst  my  cards  every 
minute,  puttin  out  them  that  I  ought  to  play,  one  by  one — and 
afore  I  knew  it  myself,  I'd  beat  the  hull  biling  on  'em  three 
games  without  stoppin.  Miss  Sneers  she  seemed  to  be  eenamost 
tickled  to  death  to  think  I'd  done  'em  up  so  slick,  and  the  men 
they  looked  streaked  enough.  I  tell  you — that  one  in  the 
checkered  trousers  above  all.  Jest  as  we  was  cuttin  in  for  a  new 
deal,  the  doors  right  afore  me  slid  back  iu-er  the  wall,  and  there 
was  another  room  spread  out  afore  us  like  a  picter.  It  was  as 
light  as  day  from  one  eend  of  the  room  tu  t'other — and  it  was 
^nough  to  dazzle  one's  eyes  to  see  the  shiney  silk  tumblin  down 
from  the  golden  poles  over  the  winders — the  great  whoppin 
lookin  glasses  a  blazin  all  over  that  eend  of  the  room — the  carpet 
kivered  over  and  trod  down  with  posies — the  picters  agin  the 
walls  and  leetle  marble  babies  a  standing  round,  with  the  candle 
light  a  pourin  down  over  'era.  Oh,  Gosh!  it  was  enough  to 
T-.ake  a  feller  loose  his  breath,  and  never  ketch  it  agin.  There, 
right  in  the  midst  of  the  room,  was  a  table  a  shinin  and  a  glis- 
tenin,  like  a  heap  of  ice-chunks  and  new  half  dollars  piled  up, 
together  in  the  hot  sun.  The  plates  and  the  knives  and  forks 
epoons  and  all,  was  solid  silver— everything  else  was  silver  but 
the  glasses,  and  they  were  all  pin  ted  and  pictered  off,  apct  «at 
19 


•-".»(>  HIGH    LIFE    IK    SETT    YORK. 

down  in  lines,  till  there  was  nothing  but  flash,  flash,  flash  wner- 
ev«»r  the  light  fell,  and  that  was  strong  enough;  for  right  ov*t- 
head  was  another  of  them  great  gold  spangles  branching  oul 
every  whicli  way,  and  runniii  over  with  tire. 

Miss  Sneers  she  put  her  hand  on  ray  arm,  jest  so  as  tu  let'  tha 
tip  eend  of  her  leetle  finger  lie  agin  my  wrist.  I  snore  it  nuuta 
the  blood  tingle  up  my  arm.  We  went  intu  the  room  with  tlie 
rest  a  follerin  arter,  Indian  file.  A  great  strappin  nigger  stood 
at  each  side  of  the  door-place,  when  we  went,  with  white  j,love-i 
on,  and  towels  in  their  hands — they  bowed  a'most  tn  the  carpet 
as  we  went  by,  aud  when  we  sot  down,  then  they  stood  right  uo 
on  eend  behind  our  chairs,  like  militia  trainers  jist  tryin  tu  drill. 
They  lifted  up  the  kivers  from  a  lot  of  dishes,  and  up  riz  tli9 
steam  among  the  glasses  and  silver,  till  it  seemed  as  if  they  hunt; 
in  a  cloud.  Oh  gracious,  I  can't  begin  to  tell  you  all  that  them 
dishes  had  in  'em.  There  was  leetle  teinty  tonty  birds  cooked 
hull,  claws  and  all — partridges  with  their  stomachs  stuffed  till 
they  looked  as  pussey  as  cousin  Jasin — squirrels  a  lyin  there  like 
human  babies  jest  baked  over  a  trifle,  and  all  sorts  of  wild  var 
mints  that  a  feller  ever  thought  of  killin. 

The  niggers  they  dodged  about,  fillin  plates  and  a  handin  'em 
round  like  lightnin.  They  gin  Miss  Sneers  and  I  each  on  us  H 
leetle  bird — darn  me  if  I  know  what  it  was,  without  it  was  a 
woodpecker  stewed  hull.  It  raly  seemed  tu  be  a  shame  tu  sties 
a  fork  iutu  the  teinty  varmint.  I  kinder  diddled  my  knife  and 
fork  about,  till  Miss  Sneers  got  purty  intimate  with  her  bird,  f<>»- 
I  wanted  tu  see  if  it  was  the  fashion  tu  swaller  'dm  down  in'aros 
and  all.  She'd  used  her  little  chap  purty  well  up,  when  I  sot 
my  jaw  i  workin  in  arnest.  The  bird  went  down  inv  thro-', 
the  qm>kw»t..  It  was  awful  sweet  tastin;  and  the  leg  bones 
scratched  a  trifle  as  they  went  down,  but  nolhin  tu  speak  on. 

"Wai,  we  laid  into  the  squirrels  and  other  wild  critters  rather 
bard,  till  I  begun  tu  feel  a  dry.  There  was  a  leetle  bottle  or 
water  stood  agin  each  plate.  I  poured  some  out  of  mine,  nr,i 
was  a  goin  tn  drink,  but  Miss  Sneers,  she  laid  her  hand  on  the 
glass,  and  sez  she — 

44  Mr.  Slick,  let  me  help  you  tu  wine  ?" 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  ?91 

"  Not  o?  yon  know  on,"  sez  I,  a  bowin,  and  a  takin  the  tumble/ 
from  under  her  hand — "I'm  a  teetotaler,  rnarm,  tu  the  back 
bone!" 

"  Oh,  I'd  forgot,"  sez  she,  a  lookin  at  her  brother.  He  took 
up  a  bottle  with  leetle  chunks  of  sheet  lead  a  stickin  tu  the  neck, 
and  sez  he — 

"  You  will  not  refuse  a  glass  of  this  cider,  Mr.  Slick — therea 
no  alcohol  in  this,  I  can  tell  you." 

I  was  jest  a  goin  tu  say  no,  but  Mi?s  Sneers,  she  held  out  her 
glass,  and  all  the  time  that  ciJer  was'a  gurglin  out  of  the  bottle 
and  a  sendin  up  sparkles  in  her  glass,  she  kept  them  smilin  eyes 
a  pourin  their  brightness  right  intu  mine.  When  the  glass  was 
full,  she  touched  it  tu  her  mouth,  and  gin  a  leetle  sip,  jest  enough 
tu  make  them  pesky  lips  look  a  trifle  damp,  and  redder  than 
ever,  and  sez  she,  a  reachin  the  glass  towards  me — 

"You  must  drink  this,  Mr.  Slick." 

I  felt  the  blood  bile  intur  my  face  agin.  I  kinder  part  reached 
out  my  hand— then  I  pulled  it  back,  and  sez  I— 

"  I've  signed  the  pledge." 

"Not  agin  this  harmless  cider,"  sez  they  altogether. 

"  Not  when  a  lady  kisses  the  glass,"  says  Miss  Sneers— a  holdin 
out  the  tumbler  yit,  and  a  lookin  kinder  anxious,  as  if  she'd  cry 
right  out  if  I  didn't  give  up. 

"  Take  it  for  n-y  sake,"  sez  she,  a  bendin  close  tu  me,  and  u 
holdin  the  glass  right  up  tu  my  lips.  They  were  all  a  lookin  at 
rne,  and  kinder  l&,.*5n,  as  if  they  thought  I  darsent  take  it. 

"  You  see  Mr.  Slick  will  not  give  up  the  point,  even  tu  you 
Miss  Sneers,"  sez  .he  man  with  checkered  trousers.  "Allow  m<> 
to  drain  the  glass  your  sweet  lips  have  kissed." 

"  You  be  darnec ."  sez  /,  a  takin  the  cider  and  drinkin  it  do  we 
a'most  at  three  swallers. 

"Bravo!"  they  all  sung  out  tu  once.  "Here's  to  the  ladies!'1 
Miss  Sneers,  she  he^d  out  my  glass  agin.  Her  brother  lifted  tha 
bottle,  and  this  time  the  cider  splashed  over  that  leetle  whit  a 
hand,  and  come  drippin  over  the  table  all  the  way  tu  my  mouth. 
I  felt  streaked  about  makin  any  more  touse  about  a  leetle  ciuer, 
and  poured  the  glass  down  without  squinchin.  By  the  time  I 
found  the  bottom  of  that  glass,  I  didn't  feel  askeared  ef  the  next 


292  man  LIFE  IN  NEW  YORK. 

one  the  leastest  might  in  the  world.  But,  somehow,  the  more  I 
drank,  the  plates  seemed  to  grow  brighter  and  more  unsteady. 
The  birds  that  lay  yet  in  one  of  the  silver  dishes  seemed  to  grow 
smaller,  but  more  on  em,  like  young  robins  in  a  nest,  when  they 
jest  begin  tu  feather  out.  The  wine  decanters  blazed  out  redder 
and  redder,  and  the  cider-bottles  popped  and  foamed  h'ke  ginger- 
beer  in  the  summer  time.  The  folks,  tu,  sot  orful  oneasy,  and 
somehow,  the  feller  that  sot  agin  me  looked  jest  as  if  he'd  found 
a  twin  with  checkered  trousers,  and  a  red-and-green  vest,  as 
much  like  his'n  as  two  peas  in  a  pod. 

I  kinder  seemed  tu  remember  that  Miss  Sneers  kept  a  kissia 
the  glass*?  for  me,  till  by-ani-by  I  sot  out  to  do  it  myself,  and 
kissed  her  instead.  With  that,  she  went  intu  tother  room.  We 
followed  arter,  and  the  two  niggers  arter  us  with  the  cider  and 
wine  decanters  in  their  hands. 

"  Now,"  sez  Miss  Sneers'  brother  sez  he,  "  less  have  another 
game ;  I'll  bet  Mr.  Slick  wont  beat  three  times  runnin  agin." 

"  I'll  bet  he  will,"  sez  Miss  Sneers,  a  pintin  tu  a  seat  by  the 
table,  and  a  lookin  good  enough  tu  eat. 

I  sot  down,  and  the  chap  in  checkered  trousers  he  begun  to 
shuffle  away,  like  a  house  a  fire. 

Miss  Sneers  she  bent  over  me  agin,  and  her  brother  he  sot 
down  and  cut  cards.  I  beat  agin,  right  straight  ahead ;  the  hull 
•wad  on  em  begun  to  grow  kinder  wamblecropped  at  thatf  and 
Miss  Sneers  she  larfed  so  good-natured,  and  bent  forward  so 
much  that  her  cheek  a'rnost  lay  agin  mine  all  the  next  game. 

By  gauly,  I  beat  agin ;  and  by  that  time,  they  all  begun  tu  look 
a  trifle  rily.  The  checkered  trousers  he  took  the  cards  and  gin 
em  a  snap  along  the  eends  that  might  a  ben  heard  in  the  street. 
With  that,  he  slapped  em  down  on  the  table,  and  sez  he,  a  nod- 
den  his  head  at  me,  sez  he,  "  I'll  bet  fifty  dollars  you  don't  beat 
this  time."  With  that,  he  larfed  till  the  hair  on  his  upper  lip 
curled  up  and  showed  his  teeth,  like  a  dog  when  he  snarls. 

"  Nonsense,"  sez  Miss  Sneers,  "  we  can  beat  twenty  such  fel- 
ers — you  and  I,  Mr.  Slick,  can't  we  ?" 

"  I  ruther  thinks  so,"  sez  I.  y 

"I'll  bet  fifty  dollars,"  sez  checkered  trousers,  "that  we  beal 
you  all  hollow." 


Br   JONATHAN   SLICK.  293 

"  I'll  bet  you  don't,"  sez  I,  a  rilin  up. 

"Plank  the  money," sez  he,  a  slappin  the  cards  agin,  "plank 
the  chink." 

I  took  your  old  wallet  from  the  leetle  pocket  in  my  under 
vest,  and  unrolled  the  bills  that  I'd  put  there  arter  sellin  out  the 
Bloop  load — "  I  spose  you  think  I  haint  got  it,"  sez  I,  a  shakin 
the  harnful  of  bills  that  was  left.  "Hurra  for  old  Connecticut !" 
The  other  chaps  they  shell'd  out,  and  a  hull  heap  of  bills  lay  on 
the  table.  Miss  Sneers  she  went  away  a  minute,  and  then  bent 
over  me  agin,  with  another  glass  of  that  white  cider  in  her  hand 
— she  held  the  glass  to  my  lips,  and  wouldn't  take  it  away  till 
I'd  drunk  the  hull. 

That  was  prime  cider,  and  I  was  a  beginnin  to  fee*  dry  agin, 
so  I  drunk  another  glass ;  and  at  it  we  went,  shovel  and  tongs. 
As  true  as  you  live,  they  raly  did  beat  that  game ;  and  wheu 
they  saw  how  wrothy  I  was,  they  offered  tu  bet  a  hundred  dol 
lars  on  my  luck  the  next  time.  I  don't  know  who  beat  artei 
that ;  for  somehow  I  seemed  tu  be  sort  o'  dreamin ;  the  candles 
seemed  tu  be  a  darncin  round  us,  and  it  seemed  as  if  the  cards 
were  leetle  teenty  folks,  all  alive  and  a  grinnin  at  us  as  we  han 
dled  em.  I  took  out  the  old  wallet  every  few  minutes — I  du 
seem  to  remember  that — and  arter  it  was  empty,  Miss  Sneer's 
brother,  sez  he,  "  Never  mind,  my  boy,  we'll  take  your  auto 
graph." 

"  I  don't  keep  any  such  new-fangled  varmints,"  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  on'y  jest  write  your  name  here,"  sez  he,  a  handin  over 
a  strip  of  paper. 

"  Jest  so,"  sez  I,  a  takin  the  pen  he  held  out ;  "  jest  so,  but 
good  gauly,  du  hold  the  paper  still.  I  can't  ketch  up  with  it  if 
it  moves  about  the  table  this  way.'' 

"  It's  your  hand,"  sez  he. 

"  My  hand '"  sez  I — "  you  git  out  I" 

I  gin  a  dive  at  the  paper  and  held  it  kinder  still,  while  I  did 
up  a  long  tailed  J.  I  had  tu  begin  agin  at  the  S,  but  arter  a  dive 
or  ta,  I  curlecued  it  up  about  right,  and  then  we  went  tu  playin 
cards  agin.  They  seemed  tu  take  a  great  shine  tu  my  name  that 
night,  and  kept  a  askin  me  for  it  every  few  minutes,  till  I  went 
away.  I  don't  jest  know  when  Miss  Sneers  went  away,  or  exact- 


294  mon  LTFS  TV  xsw  YORK. 

ly  how  I  got  away  myself;  bnt  the  next  moming  I  woke  up  In 
my  bunk  with  the  darndest  head  ache  that  L  ever  dreamed  on 
Oaptin  Doolittle  he  sot  in  the  cabin  a  lookin  at  me,  and  a  rryin 
like  a  great  baby. 

"  What's  the  matter,  Captin  ?"  sez  I,  a  turnin  over. 

"  Jonathan,"  sez  he,  "  a  risin  from  the  locker,  and  diggin  both 
hands  in  his  old  trousers  pocket,  "  Jonathan,  its  time  for  us  tu 
haul  up  stakes  and  go  hum." 

The  tears  run  down  the  old  chap's  face,  as  he  said  this,  and  he 
turned  his  face  away  that  I  shouldn't  see  them. 

I  tried  tu  think  of  what  had  turned  up  tu  make  the  captin 
take  on  so.  My  head  beat  like  a  drum — I  partly  remembered 
the  cider,  the  cards  and  Miss  Sneers.  I  looked  at  Captin  Doo 
little  ;  he  had  the  poor  old  empty  wallet  in  his  hands,  and  I  could 
pee  the  tears  drop  into  it. 

I  lay  down  agin,  kivered  my  face  with  the  piller,  and  burst 
out  a  cryin. 

I  guess  I  lay  still  a  cryin  like  a  baby  as  much  as  ten  minutes 
and  there  sot  Captin  Doolittle  a  holdin  the  empty  wallet  all  the 
tina«.  At  last  I  sot  up  an  eend  and  looked  at  the  captin  as  well 
as  I  dare,  and  sez  I, 

"  Captin  what  shall  I  du  ?" 

The  Captin  he  looked  up,  and  sez  he, 

"  Jonathan  you'd  better  fust  tell  me  jest  what  you  have  done 
a'ready."  I  sot  to  as  well  as  I  could  and  told  him  the  hull  story 
about  Miss  Sneers,  the  theatre,  playing  cards,  the  bird  supper, 
and  the  cider.  When  I'd  got  through  he  shook  his  Lead  sort  of 
mournful,  and  sez  he — 

"  Jonathan,  this  is  a  bad  business ;  you've  made  a  shote  of 
yourself  and  gambled  all  your  father's  money  away  ;  it's  eena- 
jmost  as  bad  as  stealen."  . 

"  Oh  don't  say  that  are,"  sez  I,  a  kiverin  my  face  with  both 
hands.  "  I  feel  bad  enough  without  bein  twitted  of  what  I've 
done,  gracious  knows?" 

"  Wai,  I  know  it  aint  generous  tu  strike  a  feller  when  he's 
down,"  sez  the  captin,  "  but  what  is  to  be  done  ?  That's  the 
question." 

"  Wai,"  sez  the  Captin,  "  supposin  you  pat  on  your  things  ant1 


Ur   JONATHAN    SLICK.  295 

we'll  go  up  in  that  consarned  gamblin  hole  and  see  if  any  thing 
cau  be  done  to  git  the  money  back.  I  hain't  no  doubt  b<-.i  that 
Miss  Sneers  will  be  tiokled  tu  death  tu  see  you  agin." 

I  got  up  and  dressed  myself  as  well  as  I  could  for  my  hea<*. 
aohed  as  if  it  would  crack  open.  The  Oaptin  he  was  as  good  :ts 
any  thing ;  he  poured  a  hull  pitcher  full  of  cold  water  over  my 
hair,  and  arter  making  me  drink  a  strong  cup  of  tea,  I  felt  kin 
der  better  about  the  head,  but  oh  Lord  a  massy,  ho^  my  heart 
ached  I 

I  felt  so  down  in  the  mouth  tha*,  I  couldn't  talk,  so  we 
started  off  towards  that  consarned  house  agin. 

"  Now  Jonathan,"  sez  the  Captin,  as  we  got  agin  the 
"  it  goes  agin  the  grain  tu  say  so,  but  you  jest  make  believe  thai 
I  am  a  police  officer,  and  keep  a  stiff  upper  lip,  ring  the  bell  and 
walk  right  in ;  I'll  come  arter  and  we'll  du  their  blsness  for  eui 
in  less  than  no  time." 

I  rung  the  bell. 

"  Is  Miss  Sneers  tu  hum  ?"  sez  I. 

"No,"  sez  he,  as  quick  as  "  she  went  into  the  conn- 

try  this  morning." 

I  was  a  going  tu  say  that  I'd  seen  her,  wheii  Captin  Doolittle 
pushed  right  by  and  giving  the  nigger  a  shove  on  one  side,  sez  he, 

"  Walk  in,  Jonathan,  walk  in  and  make  yourself  tu  hum.~ 
"With  that  he  dove  into  the  hall  and  I  arter  him — he  opened  the 
side  door  into  the  room  we  were  in  the  night  before,  and  gin  ;?. 
peak  round. 

"  Nobody  there,"  sez  he,  "  go  up  stairs,  I'll  settle  the  nigger  ii 
he  gets  obsvropulous,  and  then  follow  arter." 

I  went  right  up  stairs,  and  was  jest  a  knocking  at  the  door  of 
Miss  Sneers'  room,  when  I  see  that  it  was  open  a  trifle ;  ana  as 
I  gin  a  peak  through,  there  was  the  chap  that  she  called  her. 
brother  shying  out  through  the  eend  door — I  jest  gin  a  knock 
that  sent  the  door  a  flyin  open,  and  went  in.  Miss  Sneers  wa§ 
settin  on  that  silken  bench,  dressed  out  in  a  ruffled  white  frock, 
and  with  her  hair  twisted  back  in  a  hurry,  and  kinder  tousled 
up  with  a  gold  chain  in  it,  as  if  she  hadn't  touched  it  since  thfc 
night  afore.  She  jumped  half  up  when  she  see  me,  and  then 


VlOU  HIGH    l^FE    IN    XK^f    YOU*. 

settled  down  agin  with  her  iips  shot  tight  together,  and  a  lookin 
hard  in  Try  eyes  a*  if  uncertain  who  it  was. 

I  walked  right  up  to  her  and  held  out  my  h.-md,  "  How  do  you 
dn  this  morning,  Miss  Sneers,"  sez  I. 

She  kinder  leaned  back,  and  lookin  right  straight  in  my  eyes, 
sez  she, 

41  You  must  have  mistook  the  rootA,  sir,  I  do  not  nbuaMy  re 
ceive  company  here." 

I  swow,  it  seemed  as  if  the  critter  had  swallered  a  chunk  of 
ice,  she  spoke  so  stiff  and  cold.  I  looked  around  the  room  a 
minit,  and  then  I  turned  tu  her  agin,  and  &ez  I, 

44  Look  a  here  mann,  you  don't  seem  tu  be  over  tickled  tu  see 
me  this  morning,  so  I'll  make  myself  scarce  the  minit  you'll  give 
me  a  chance  tu  see  that  brother  of  yourn." 

41  Yon  are  laborin  under  another  mistake,"  sez  she,  ac  frosty  aa 
ever.  44  My  brother  is  not  in  the  house." 

41  Perhaps  you'll  tell  me  by-am-by  that  I  mustn't  believe  my 
own  eyes,"  sez  I  a  getting  wrothy.  4t  Jest  ask  that  mean  shote 
to  come  out  of  the  other  room  there — I  saw  him  sneak  off  v/itr 
my  own  eyes  not  three  minutes  ago." 

She  turned  a  trifle  red  when  I  talked  up  to  her  so,  and  arter 
c^okin  a  second,  sez  she,  as  cool  as  a  cowcumber,  sez  she, 

';  Not  my  brother,  you  did  not  see  my  brother,  he  is  *ny  hus 
band,  sir." 

I  felt  the  blood  Vile  in  my  veins  »nd  my  face  seemed  afire. 
*  Your  husband  marm  ?"  sez  I,  a  getting  ur>  a  laugh  Vnat  eended 
off  in  a  savage  grin,  "  and  ao  you're,  you're," — 

44  His  wife  sir,"  sez  she,  with  a  cold  tarntalisin  smile,  4'  and 
now,  as  I  am  particularly  engage*!,  perhaps  you  will  leave  the 
house." 

14  Not  jest  yet,"  sez  Captia  Doolittle,  a  bolting  intu  the  room. 
44  We've  got  some  business  with  that  husband  of  your'n,  inarm." 

"And  who  are  you  ?ir?"  sez  the  woman  a  turnin  -white  as 
curd  and  sittin  down  half  scared  tu  death. 

44 1  don't  know  as  that  is  any  consarn  of  your'n,"  sez  he,  a 
kauling  H  pieoe  of  paper  folded  up  square  from  his  pocket.  4l  1 
wai?t  that  -jwiudlin  scamp  tha*  you  call  husband,  and  its  nay 


BY   JONATHAN    SLICK.  297 

pinion  that  he  and  I  get  better  acquainted  afore  I  leave  these 
ere  premises." 

I  never  see  a  poor  critter  wilt  down  as  she  did,  her  face  was 
as  white  as  snow,  so  was  her  mouth,  and  I  could  see  it  begin  tu 
tremble  all  she  could  du  to  help  it. 

"  Surely,  surely,  you  havn't  brought  a  police  officer  here  ?"  sez 
she,  a  lookin  at  me,  and  them  soft  eyes  of  her'n  were  a  swimmin 
in  tears.  I  begun  to  relent. 

"  Jonathan,  don't  make  a  coot  of  yourself,"  sez  the  Captin,  a 
givin  me  a  sly  poke  in  the  ribs ;  then  he  went  right  up  tu  her, 
arid  sez  he, 

"I  don't  wonder  you're  surprised  marm,  it  aint  often  that  you, 
get  a  decent  chap  like  me  in  this  nest  of  varmints,  but  when  one 
on  us  du  come  we  generally  make  purty  clean  work  of  it,  I  can 
tell  you  that !  Perhaps  your  husband  won't  be  the  only  one  that 
Avill  get  hauled  over  the  coals.  I've  seen  purtyer  women  than 
you  are  afore  the  police  magistrates  afore  now." 

The  critter  began  tu  tremble  and  looked  at  me  as  pitiful  as  a 
rabbit  in  a  trap. 

"  It  ain't  of  no  use,"  sez  Captin  Doolittle  a  pushin  me  back, 
"  salt  won't  save  you  if  that  scamp  of  your'n  don't  shell  out. 
Mr.  Slick  here  haint  nothin  to  du  with  the  bisness  now  that  he'a 
gin  it  up  tu  the  law.  You  haint  got  sich  a  mealy  hearted  chap 
as  him  to  deal  with,  I  can  tell  you." 

"But  what  du  you  want?"  sez  she,  a  shakin  as  if  she  was  *» 
cold. 

"  I  want  the  money  you  swindled  out  of  this  young  feller  las 
night,"  sez  he.  '*  The  money  and  the  notes  you  made  him  givo 
and  by  the  living  hokey  it'  it  aint  handed  over  in  less  than  toi 
minutes,  I'll  have  every  darned  varmint  in  the  house  marched 
off  tu  the  tombs." 

The  poor  critter  grew  wuss  and  wuss ;  after  a  minute  she 
turned  to  me  and  sez  she,  a  sobbin  like  all  natur, 

"  So  you've  indicted  the  house,  have  you  ?" 

I  didn't  just  know  what  she  meant,  and  the  Captin  seemed  as 
bad  off,  but  he  gin  me  a  poke  to  keep  still,  and  sez  he,  "  You'll 
find  out  I  reckon,  but  as  that  are  husband  of  yourn  seems  loth  tu 
come  out  I'll  jest  give  him  a  little  invite."  With  that  he  went 


298  HIGH    LIFE    IN    NEW    YOKK. 

into  t'other  room  and  arter  a  little  noise  of  scuffling  cum  out 
ngin  a  leadin  the  woman's  brother  or  husband  by  the  enr.  lie 
had  taken  an  orful  hard  grip,  and  the  critter's  souse  looked  as 
red  ns  if  it  had  just  been  scalded. 

"  Are  yon  a  goin  to  shell  out  or  not?"  sez  the  Captin.  The 
feller  gin  a  pull,  and  the  Captin  follered  suit,  which  stretched 
his  ear  rather  more  than  he  seemed  to  relish. 

"  Come,  we're  in  something  of  a  hurry,"  sez  the  Captin, 
"  we'd  jist  as  leave  have  you  as  the  money." 

The  feller  gin  his  head  a  jerk,  but  the  Captin's  fingers  made  a 
fust  rate  vice,  and  the  old  feller  put  on  the  screws  tight  enough. 

"  Jake,  Jake !"  the  feller  yelled  out. 

"  If  your  nigger's  name  is  Jake  I'm  afeared  he  won't  hear," 
562  the  Captin  a  puttin  a  chaw  of  tobaccer  intur  his  mouth  with 
one  hand,  while  he  gin  the  ear  an  extra  pinch  with  the  other. 
"  I  locked  him  up  in  a  pantry  down  stairs,  plenty  of  wine  bottles 
there,  he's  comfortable  enough,  don't  disturb  the  poor  nigger  now, 
don't." 

The  feller  gin  the  Captin's  side  a  dig  with  his  fist ;  with  that 
the  Captin  jest  gin  him  a  jerk  towards  the  door,  and  sez  he,  a 
turning  tu  me  as  cool  as  get  out,  sez  he,  "  call  the  rest  on  em  up 
Mr.  Slick,  I  can  du  this  feller's  business ;  but  the  lady  there  may 
want  two  oeaus  agin — call  'em up." 

T  .eally  felt  sorry  for  the  poor  woman,  she  jumped  up  and 
flung  her  arms  around  the  chap,  and  sez  she, 

"  Du  give  it  up,  du,  I  cannot  bear  this,  they  will  do  it,  you  see 
they  will." 

"  Tell  him  to  let  go  my  ear,"  sez  the  feller  a  turning  his  tarnal 
•white  face  tu  mine,  "  and  I'll  give  you  the  money,  provided  you 
don't  molest  ns  agin/' 

"  Jest  so,"  sez  the  Captin,  undoing  his  grip,  "  shell  out,  shell 
out." 

The  feller  put  his  hand  in  his  pocket- and  hauled  out  a  swad  of 
bills  and  five  slips  of  paper  with  my  name  on  era,  all  rumpled  up 
together. 

"Jest  see  tuhim,"  sez  the  Captin,  a  nodden  his  head  towards 
the  chap,  "  while  I  see  if  it's  all  right."  So  he  sot  down  on  the 
ailk  settee  close  by  that  poor  woman,  and  histiug  one  leg  over 


BY    JONATHAN    SLICh.  29( 

»,  spit  on  his  fingers  and  counted  over  the  money.  It  was 
all  faJr,  so  he  rolled  it  up  in  a  swad,  put  it  intu  the  old  wallet  and 
handed  it  over  to  me. 

"  There,"  sez  he,  "  Mr.  Slick,  I  spose  we  may  as  well  be  a 
jozgin." 

With  that  he  told  the  chap  that  he'd  find  the  key  in  the  closet 
door  and  the  nigger  safe,  and  we  went  down. 

"There  Jonathan,"  sez  the  Oaptin,  "I  rather  guess  we've 
done  it!  But  what  makes  you  look  so  womblecroped ?" 

"  I  don't  know,"  sez  I,  a  brushin  my  hands  across  my  eyes, 
"but  it  seems  tu  me  that  I've  lost  something  more  than  all  that 
money's  worth." 

"And  what  is  that  ?"  sez  he. 

"  It's  the  fust  time  on  earth  that  I  could  believe  that  women 
could  raly  be  so  deceitful  and  bad.  I  feel  as  though  I  never 
should  think  so  well  of  them  agin — as  if  a  part  of  my  own  heart 
had  dried  up  all  tu  once.  Captin,  Captin,  I'd  rather  work  night 
and  day  for  the  money  than  feel  so  lonesome  about  the  heart  as 
I  do  now;  I'd  as  lives  stay  in  a  world  without  sun,  as  to  have  no 
eartinty  in  the  truth  of  women  f  oiks." 

I  remain  your  humble,  but  loving  son, 

JONATHAN  SLIOK. 


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and  Continuation  of  Linda.  Two  vol.i.j 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Courtship  and  Marriage.  Two 
vo'umes,  paper  cover.  Price  One  Dol- 
lai  ,  or  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


II ma  i    or,    The    Snow    Bird. 

Two  vols,  paper  cover.     Price  One  D»l 
lar ;  or  In  one  vol.,  cloth  for  $1.26. 
Marr.us  Warland.     rwovolnam, 
paper  cover.      Price  One  Dollar;    »f 
bound  in  oue  volume,  cloth,  for  $1  29. 

Love  after  Marriage.  Two  voU., 
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bound  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.26. 

Koliiit-t    or,    Magnolia    Valc> 

Two  vols.,  paper  cover.      Price  OM 
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The  Bnnished  Son.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  ot 
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Helen    and   Arthur.    Two  vols., 
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The  whole  of  the  above  are  also  published  in  a  very  fine  style,  bound  in  full 
Crimson,  with  gilt  edges,  full  gilt  sides,  gilt  backs,  etc.,  making  them  the  best  book* 
tor  presentation,  at  the  price,  published.   Price  of  either  one  in  this  style,  $2.00  a  copy. 

MISS    PARDOE'S    WORKS.  . 


Confessions  of  a  Pretty  Wo 
man.  By  Mi««  Pardoe.  Complete 
In  one  large  octavo  volume.  Price  50 
cents. 

Tut  Jealous  Wife.  By  Miss  Par- 
doe.  Complete  in  one  large  octavo 
volume.  Price  Fifty  cents. 

The  Wife'*  Trials.  By  Miss  Par- 
doe.  Complete  in  one  large  octavo 
•volume.  Price  Fifty  cents. 

The   Hlval   Beauties.    By  Miss 


Pardoe.     Complete  in  one  large  octav« 

Tolnme.     Price  Fifty  cents. 
Romnnce   of  the    Harem.    By 

Miss  Pardoe.     Complete  in  one  large 

octavo  volume.     Price  Fifty  cents. 

The  whole  of  the.  dbow  Five  w~rlt»  art 
alto  bound  in  cloth,  gilt,  in  one  laryn 
octavo  volume.     Price  $2.50. 
The     Adopted     Heir.     By   Mis* 

Pardoe.  Two  vols.,  paper  cover.   Price 

$1.00 ;  or  in  cloth,  $1.25.    (In  Press.) 


MRS.  ANN   S.   STEPHENS'  WORKS. 


Mary  Derwent.  This  is  Mrs.  Ann 
S.  Stephens'  last  new  work.  Complete 
in  two  volumes,  paper  cover.  Price 
One  Dollar;  or  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  $1.25. 

Fashion  and  Famine.  Two  vol 
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or  'a  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


The  Old  Homestead.  Two  vol 
umes,  paper  cover.  Price  One  Dullar  ; 
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The  Gipsy's  Legacy;  or,  the 
Heiress  of  Greenhurst.  Two 
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lar  ;  or  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


COOK    BOOKS.      BEST    IN    THE    WOULD. 


IXlNS  Leslie's  New  Cookery 
Book.  Being  the  largest,  best,  and 
most  complete  Cook  Book  ever  got  up 
by  Miss  Leslie.  Now  first  published. 
Out  volume.  Price  $1.25. 

Mm.  Hale's  New  Cook  Book. 
By  Mr*.  Sarah  J.  Hale.  One  volume, 
bouad.  Price  One  Dollar. 


Miss  Leslie's  New  Receipt! 
for  Cooking.  Complete  in  oa/i 
large  volume,  bound.  Price  0*4 
Dollar. 

Widdtfleld's  New  Cook  Bo«b> 
or,  Practical  Receipts  for  the  H&a*» 
•wife.  Recommended  by  all.  One  vol 
ume,  cloth.  Price  One  Dollar. 


MRS.   HALE'S   RECEIPTS. 


Mrs.  Hale's  Receipts  for  the  | 
Million.     Containing  Four  Thon- 
Miid  Five  Hundred  and  Forty-five  Re 
ceipt*,   Facts,  Directions,  and  Know 
ledge    for   All,  la  tUe    Useful,  Orna 


mental,  and  Poni-wtic  Ar>  B«1nf  I 
complete  Family  Erector  «o<t  HOUM- 
bold  Guide  for  th.  Mill!  .a  By  Mm 
Sarah  J.  Hale.  One  volnno,  ttuO  pages . 
strongly  bound  Price,  $1.26 


t    T.  B  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS. 


CHARLES  LEVER'S  WORKS. 

All  neatly  done  up  in  papfr  covers. 


1,'haries  O'Malley,. Price  50  cents. 

Harry    Liorrequer, 50     " 

Horace    Templetoii,...     60      " 
Tom   Burke  of  Ours,    60     " 
Jack       Illatoii,       the 
Guardsman. 60      " 


Arthur  O'Leary,...fVic«  60  MBU 
Knight  of  Gwynne,..    £0     " 
Kate    O'Donoghue,....     SO      " 
Con  Cregan,  the  Irish 

Gil  Bias, 60     " 

Davenport     Dunn,    a 

Man  of  our  Day, 60      " 

A  complete  sett  of  the  above  will  be  sold,  or  sent  to  any  one,  to  any  place,  ,/V«« 
of  postage,  for  $4.00. 

LIBRARY     EDITION. 

THIS  EDITION  is  complete  in  FOUR  large  octavo  volumes,  containing  Charl«« 
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«omely  printed,  and  bound  in  various  styles,  as  follows : 

Price  of  a  sett  in  Black  cloth, $6.00 

"        Scarlet  cloth, 6.50 

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•  "        Half  Calf,  antique, 12.00 

FINER    EDITIONS. 
Charles  O'Malley,  fine  edition,  one  volume,  cloth, $1.M 

"  "          Half  calf, 2.00 

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"  »  Half  calf, 2.00 

Valentine  Vox,  fine  edition,  one  volume,  cloth 1.60 

"  "  Half  calf, 2.00 

"  "  cheap  edition,  paper  cover, 60 

Ten  Thousand  a  Year,  fine  edition,  one  volume,  cloth 1.50 

«  "         Half  calf, 2.00 

"  "         cheap  edition,  paper  cover.  Two  volumes 1.00 

Diary  of  a  Medical  Student.      By  S.  C.  Warren,  author  of  "Ten 
Thousand  a  Year. "    One  volume,  octavo, 60 

HUMOROUS    ILLUSTRATED   WORKS. 


Major  Jones'  Courtship  and 
Travels.  Beautifully  illustrated. 
One  volume,  cloth.  Price  $1.25. 

Major  Jones'  Scenes  in  Geor 
gia.  Full  of  beautiful  illustrations. 
One  volume,  cloth.  Price  $1.25. 

Sam  Slick,  the   Clockmaker. 

By  Judge  Haliburtoa.  Illustrated. 
Being  the  best  funny  work  ever  writ 
ten  by  any  one  in  this  vein.  Two  vols., 
pnper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Simon  Suggs'  Adventures 
and  Tra-vels.  Illustrated.  One 
volume,  cloth  Price  $1.25. 

Humors  of  Kalconbridge.  Two 

volumes,  paper  cover  Price  One  Dol 
lar  ;  or  one  vol.,  clotn,  for  $1.25. 

Prank      Forester's     Sporting 


Scenes  &>  Characters.      Illrs. 

trated.     Two  vols.,  cloth.     Price  $2.50. 

Dow's  Short  Patent  Sermon*. 

First    Series.      By   Dow,    Jr. 

Containing  128  Sermons.  Complete  in 
one  volume,  cloth,  for  One  Dollar  or 
paper  cover,  75  cents. 

Dow's  Short  Patent  Sermons. 
Second  Series.  By  Dow,  Jr. 

Containing  144  Sermons.  Complete  In 
one  volume,  cloth,  for  One  Dollar  ;  o* 
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Dow's  Short  Paten".  Sermon*, 
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one  volume,  cloth,  for  One  Dollar;  01 
paper  cover,  7."i  </,UIB. 

American  Joe  Miller.  With',* 
Illustrations  One  <>t  the  most  Imr  or- 
ous books  i) .  the  world  Price  23  r  ,LL» 


T.  R  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS.    A 


CHARLES  DICKENS'  WORKS. 

fburtttn  Different  Edition*  in  Octavo  ftirra. 

"PETERSON'S"  are  the  only  complete  and  uniform  editions  of  Charles  D1«k«M 
Works  ever  published  In  the  world  ;  they  are  printed  from  the  original  London  Kdl- 
nous,  and  are  the  only  editions  published  In  this  country.  No  library  e.'thet 
pob'Jc  or  private,  can  be  complete  without  haying  in  It  a  complete  sett  of  tin 
works  of  this,  the  greatest  of  all  living  authors.  Every  family  should  posses*  • 
•eit  of  one  of  the  editions.  The  cheap  edition  is  complete  in  Sixteen  Volume* 
paper  cover  ;  either  or  all  of  which  can  be  had  separately,  as  follows : 


Little  Dorrlt, Price  60  cent«. 

Pickwick  Papers, 60  " 

Dickens'  New  Stories,  60  " 

Bleak  House, 60  " 

David  Copperfleld, 60  " 

Dombey   and   Son, 60  " 

Nicholas  Nlckleby, 60  " 

Christmas   Stories, 60  " 

Martin  Chuzzlewlt,....  60  " 


Barnaby  Rudge,... Price  60  cw»U 

Old  Curiosity   Shop,....  60  " 

Sketches  by  "Boz,".....  60  *• 

Oliver   Twist, 60  " 

The  Two  Apprentices,  25  " 
"Wreck   of  the  Golden 

Mary, 25  " 

Perils  of  certain  En 
glish  Prisoners, 25  " 


A  complete  sett  of  the  above  Sixteen  books,  will  be  sold,  or  sent  to  any  ome,  it  <•) 
place,  /ret  c/  pottage,  for  $6.00. 

*•• 


LIBRARY    OCTAVO    EDITION. 

Published  in  Seven  Different  Stylet. 

This  Edition  is  complete  in  SIX  very  large  octavo  volumes,  with  a  Portrait  OB  i«4 
*f  Charles  Dickens,  containing  the  whole  of  the  above  works,  handsomely  printed 
ind  bound  in  various  styles. 

Vol.  1  contains  Pickwick  Papers  and  Curiosity  Shop. 
«      3      do.       Oliver    Twist,    Sketches   by    "  Box,"   and   Bar 
naby  Rudge. 

'<      3       do.       Nicholas  Nickleby,  and  Martin  Chnzzlewlt. 
"      4      do.       David     Copperfleld,     Dombey     and     Son,    >«d 

Christmas  Stories. 

"      5       do.       Bleak  House,  and  Dickens'  New  Stories. 
•«      6       do.        .Little  .Dorrlt.    In  two  books — Poverty  and  Riches. 

Price  of  a  sett,  in  Black  cloth, 99  «• 

Scarlet  cloth,  extra, 10X» 

"               Law  Library  style, 11  OR 

Half  Turkey,  or  Half  Calf, „ 1S.OS 

Half  calf,  rnarhled  edges.  French, _.  14.  M 

"               Half  calf,  real  ancient  antique,. l«,0t 

11               Half  calf,  full  gilt  backs,  etc „  18.00 


ILLUSTRATED    OCTAVO    EDITION. 

THIS  EDITION  IS  IN  THIRTEEN  VOLT7MES,  and  Is  printed  on  very  Otat 
••4  fine  white  paper,  and  Is  profusely  illustrairn  with  all  the  original  Illustrations 
ky  Crnikshank.  Alfred  Crowquill,  Phiz,  etc.,  frum  the  original  London  edition*  cm 
•upper,  steel,  and  wood.  Each  volnme  contain*  -  novel  complete,  and  may  be  KM 
U  complete  setts,  beautifully  bound  in  cloth,  for  Nineteen  Dollars*  sett:  or  a»y 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


Form  L9-32m-8,'57(.C8680s4)444 


PS     Stephens  . 

2919  High  life  in  New 
S3h   York 


UCLA-Young  Research   Library 

PS2919  .S3h 

y 


L  009  603  303  0 


PS 

2919 

S3h 


IMte  • 


,-w 

•*.***• 


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